It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 1 — Frank's Pretty Woman

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#1
Good morning. South Philadelphia Animal Shelter.
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#2
Yes, hello. I would like to apply for an adoption, please.
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#3
Uh, what are you guys talking about?
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#4
We're adopting a dog-fighting pit bull.
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#5
We're gonna keep it in the bar, all right?
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#6
Well, why wasn't I consulted about this?
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#7
Because last time we tried to get a junkyard dog,
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#8
we wound up getting a junkyard cat,
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#9
and that's exactly where you're gonna go with it.
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#10
Yeah, because I don't want some goddamn snarling hellhound
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#11
running around inside of our bar. Are you crazy?
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#12
Look, we're going to rehabilitate the dog, okay?
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#13
We don't want it to attack other dogs.
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#14
Now we would like for it to attack people.
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#15
- If it attacks a person, great. - Yeah.
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#16
And, if the dog, or when the dog bites a customer,
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#17
that person then can go home and have a great story for their friends.
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#18
- It's a win-win for everybody. - Yeah, that's true, you know,
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#19
You can be, like, "Dude, I got bit by a pit bull at a bar."
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#20
- At Paddy's. It was awesome. - Awesome.
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#21
And if you're an intruder, you should get bit by a pit bull.
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#22
- I don't understand. - See, the biggest...
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#23
Uh, how long do you think this process...
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#24
...usually ta-it's just a dial tone now. She just hung up on me, for some reason.
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#25
Come here. Come here.
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#26
Gimme that. Gimme that. Gimme that.
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#27
Wait for me in the back-back.
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#28
Okay, babe.
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#29
Hey, who's that?
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#30
It's my new girlfriend. Roxy.
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#31
Mmm. Now that woman seems like a prostitute.
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#32
That's because she is.
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#33
You're dating a prostitute?
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#34
Not for long.
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#35
I'm gonna make that whore my wife.
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#36
Oh, yeah!
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#37
- What the hell? - Oh, no.
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#38
- Are they... - Oh, no.
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#39
Yeah!
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#40
- You did not just do that. - Oh, ho, ho.
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#41
That broad is a live wire.
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#42
Whoo!
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#43
I'm goin' outside, 'cause this place is a shithole.
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#44
What are you cocks lookin' at?
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#45
Frank,
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#46
that woman is unspeakably crass.
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#47
You're gonna marry that, Frank?
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#48
She's been my number-one girl for a long while now,
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#49
but she's still plowing other dudes.
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#50
In fact, Tiger Woods has been calling her lately.
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#51
- No, no, no. Hey, bullshit. - That can't be the truth, right?
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#52
There is no way that Tiger Woods is interested in that woman.
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#53
Look, can't you find someone who loves you for who you are?
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#54
- Well... - That woman's only in it for the money.
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#55
Mmm-mmm. Let me stop you real quick.
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#56
Someone love Frank for who he is?
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#57
Come on. No. He's got a ton of good qualities.
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#58
- No, not really. - Yes, he does.
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#59
- I mean, like what... Like what? - Dude, the other day,
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#60
we were hanging out under the bridge.
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#61
We found a box of denim, and I'm like,
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#62
"You know, these look like good jeans in here."
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#63
And he's, like, "You want to split it with me, 50-50?"
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#64
I mean, that's a nice thing to do.
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#65
- I wanted you to have half of that denim. - He shared half the jeans.
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#66
- I mean, we should... - Charlie. Charlie.
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#67
Stop wearing clothes you find washing up under bridges.
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#68
- Oh, they're boiled. Yeah, we boil... - Yeah.
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#69
- We boil all our denim. - Oh, good.
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#70
- Well, they're boiled, so... - Hey.
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#71
Hey, you know, there is some dirty crack whore in the alley,
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#72
blowing the busboy from the restaurant down the street.
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#73
This is exactly why we need that dog.
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#74
Let's get that dog.
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#75
Mac, you look bad. Really, really bad.
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#76
- What? - Yeah, is that your shirt or my shirt?
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#77
- That's, like, way too small for you. - You look fat as shit.
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#78
Okay, I'm getting... I'm getting very concerned
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#79
with the integrity of our organization here.
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#80
Mac, you have gained, I mean, 50 pounds of fat.
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#81
- Mass. - Of fat.
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#82
- Muscle. - Let's be clear. Fat.
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#83
- It's fat. - Frank, you are talking
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#84
about marrying hookers.
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#85
This is ridiculous. What's going on with our group?
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#86
- We're becoming the Gross Crew. - The Gross Crew?
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#87
The Gross Crew, and I don't like that.
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#88
- I don't want that, all right? - I don't want that.
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#89
So, if we're gonna have this woman hanging around,
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#90
then we gotta clean her up or something.
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#91
I tell you what. What if we took a Pretty Woman
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#92
- and threw it Roxy's way. - Hey...
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#93
- A Pretty Woman? - Uh-huh.
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#94
That was a bullshit movie. People don't change like that.
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#95
People change, Frank. Look at me.
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#96
I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you.
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#97
- You're not helping my argument. - Okay, yeah. And if you're gonna chime in,
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#98
please don't do it with a mouthful of burrito.
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#99
- This is a chimichanga. - You are becoming a chimichanga!
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#100
All right, all of you,
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#101
I'm gonna give you all 24 hours to do whatever you have to do,
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#102
but tomorrow night I am proposing to that dirty whore.
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#103
This is gonna be a little bit harder than we thought.
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#104
- This woman is a real piece of shit. - Uh-huh.
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#105
Where's Frank?
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#106
Don't worry about Frank, Roxy.
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#107
Uh, we're here to help you turn your life around.
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#108
See, a lot of times, the second act of someone's life
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#109
- can be much better than the first. - Mmm-hmm.
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#110
Well, yeah, we just want to make some changes in your life, Roxy.
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#111
- Perhaps get you some new clothes. - Uh-huh.
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#112
Uh, hopefully, teach you some manners.
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#113
Shut up, baby dick.
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#114
- All right. Well, I'm out of here. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
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#115
- No, I... - Don't go. Don't go.
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#116
- We haven't even started yet. Come on. - Come on. Frank was right.
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#117
This woman cannot change. People don't just change.
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#118
People change. She can change. I'm gonna change.
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#119
What? You're gonna change? What the hell are you talking about?
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#120
Well, I'm gearing up to get into my second act, you know?
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#121
That's very exciting for me, and I'd like to help Roxy
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#122
- do the same thing, that's all. - No. No, no, Dee...
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#123
- Aw, really? - What?
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#124
- No, you're already in your second act. - Me?
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#125
Yeah. We're all in our second acts. Don't you see that?
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#126
And I, for one, I don't want things to change.
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#127
I want them to stay the way they were, because my first act was awesome.
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#128
See, your first act was shit,
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#129
and that's why you're so desperate for things to be different.
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#130
But they rarely ever do get different.
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#131
If anything, God, they get worse. I mean, look at Mac.
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#132
- I got salsa on my shirt. - He got salsa on his shirt.
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#133
Okay. Here's how things need to go from here on out.
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#134
You gotta deal with this woman, because I can't handle it. All right?
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#135
She made things personal, and I won't stand for that.
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#136
Somebody needs to take care of Mac, and that's gonna be me,
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#137
because his fatness is starting to affect our entire crew.
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#138
- Mmm-hmm. - So I'm gonna take him with me,
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#139
because the man is carrying around trash bags filled with Mexican foods.
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#140
What's that smell?
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#141
Crack.
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#142
- That is crack rock. - Mmm-hmm.
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#143
- She's smoking crack. - Oh, she's smoking crack.
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#144
Okay, she's smoking crack.
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#145
This is no longer a safe environment for me.
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#146
- Mmm-hmm. - Mac, let's go. Come on.
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#147
I gotta get out of here. Whew.
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#148
I got a really good thing going with Roxy. She's a sweet bitch.
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#149
Yeah, but she's mean.
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#150
Dude, she's definitely only into you for the money.
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#151
Well, so? Barbara was only into me for the money.
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#152
Yeah, but you deserve better than that, man.
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#153
Look, I'm already on it, okay?
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#154
I signed you up on a dating website. I got you a date, dude.
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#155
- Yeah? - Check it out though.
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#156
I got a little twist on this date.
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#157
This girl does think she's meeting a millionaire.
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#158
Why'd you say that, Charlie? That... Defeats the purpose.
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#159
Well... I'm gonna be the millionaire.
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#160
- Oh. Explain. - All right, check it out.
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#161
You're gonna play my limo driver, right?
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#162
You're just like a regular working stiff to this girl.
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#163
She doesn't think you're a millionaire. Okay?
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#164
Then we're out on the date and I'm like,
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#165
"Oh, I don't... I don't feel very well. I gotta go home.
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#166
"But let's not waste this date.
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#167
"Why don't you finish the date with my limo driver?"
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#168
- You know what I mean? - Smart, Charlie.
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#169
I mean, yeah, she's not gonna be able to resist an opportunity like that.
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#170
- A night with a limo driver? - This is a good idea.
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#171
- Right? - I wanna give it a whirl.
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#172
- All right, man. - All right, Charlie.
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#173
Oh, here. I think these are done.
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#174
- That first one's done? All right. - Yeah, this batch is done.
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#175
Just get 'em out. Get 'em out. Whoo, baby!
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#176
Whoa! I burned myself on a rivet.
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#177
Yeah.
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#178
Mac, these blood tests are gonna show you
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#179
the damage that you've been doing to your body,
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#180
and my hope is that it will incentivize you
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#181
to finally lose some of this disgusting weight you've put on.
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#182
This is ridiculous, dude, okay?
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#183
We're getting older. We're not gonna look 20 forever.
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#184
No, I am gonna look 20 forever, Mac,
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#185
because the older I get, the more vigilant I become.
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#186
All right, I don't eat lunch anymore, for instance.
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#187
Yeah, and on odd days, I don't eat breakfast.
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#188
- That sounds miserable. - No, dude, it's not miserable.
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#189
Well, yeah, it is a little bit miserable, but it has to be, man.
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#190
No pain, no gain. I am also constantly in motion.
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#191
Like, right now, dude, I am doing leg lifts that are
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#192
imperceptible to the human eye.
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#193
I call 'em hummingbirds.
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#194
And although I seem relaxed, I'm actually incredibly tense at all times.
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#195
Dude, we've been through this, okay?
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#196
- I'm cultivating mass. - Stop staying that.
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#197
You are not cultivating mass, and if you are,
77966f7279d641efb481695bdeaff6cd.gif
#198
stop cultivating and start harvesting.
51b0566246cc40f0838d5f2d57b3824b.gif
#199
Bro, check this out. Try to move me.
1a7172e23e0a440e8eba1776d681f12d.gif
#200
- Well, I'm not gonna try... - Try and move me, bro.
d8d8c7927fad49718e9379a01773eebd.gif
#201
Take a running start. Take a running start.
b5f53bd2ba5d419cac3e4fbc48d765b0.gif
#202
Excuse me.
83dfb8b9a6ac42a189b656bbb4d324b5.gif
#203
Did you want me to read these test results or not?
1cb5e36955e24a5c9f8b696a7b15c907.gif
#204
Yeah. I was just trying to... Trying to move him.
026f598ce56c4a6fa2337fef782debf5.gif
#205
- He's like a brick wall. - You try to move me, Doc.
41c994c99b1a49c28b9b898076cbf105.gif
#206
No, no, no, you're... read the results, Doc.
2053502ecbe4492c859e2d4669cc7ab7.gif
#207
Well, I see, uh, severe dehydration here,
4fc1371db6b94e22a193db0deb053924.gif
#208
multiple vitamin deficiencies, anemia, low blood pressure.
77027303872c4c2d991c619f193476e3.gif
#209
Ooh. Mac, look, I don't want you to fret, okay?
a0a2ac1e6572473eb43de6498881e77f.gif
#210
I'm gonna get you on my exercise program.
8f87b8d608934dbd9757237b9e53f523.gif
#211
- I'm gonna get you fit as a fiddle. - These are...
c36319d91249492b943ed51e2e47246f.gif
#212
These are your results, Mr. Reynolds.
469216fb92604b58a0280eac8603de4d.gif
#213
What? No, those can't be my results.
66f26008d8864e12b3c1e2fe478c586c.gif
#214
I'm healthy as shit.
899b755563c64a16a87e2f3720875241.gif
#215
Well, uh, not according to your tests.
d883fa173a5046a7a9af220b44a1128f.gif
#216
I'm healthier than you, bro.
3e25d21fe2df42a3b3b10e9ee09f349c.gif
#217
Well, I wouldn't exactly say you're healthy.
f7d8d1a1c6d94b41afc5a3e276d16411.gif
#218
You have type 2 adult-onset diabetes.
752c39f701b6470d96b52c05c28fe4ad.gif
#219
Type 2 adult-onset diabetes?
92251ca4b64c41dfb55a4851da145b7c.gif
#220
What does that mean for me?
41c0feeec4fe4186b1ba7f7458dc587e.gif
#221
Well, that means you're going to have to inject yourself
b7a7dacf381c416190b5ec1617fecceb.gif
#222
several times a day with insulin,
e614b157327341c8a92257f2e9281da7.gif
#223
or else you probably need to think about losing a little weight.
77e2066bd12d44f89f58f835e08f80aa.gif
#224
Whoa.
04658a35d48c46d586cf09c76cf674f1.gif
#225
- But I'm healthy besides the diabetes? - Um, no.
4209f1a8f0814272b9e0ae88a7f3c917.gif
#226
But I'm more healthier than he is,
5bab8b03c5d8498d8ed4fd4ef3505f3d.gif
#227
I think is the point that you're trying to make.
ed943980620e4da8a066065a260bd15a.gif
#228
- Even with the diabetes. I am more... - Dude, stop saying "diabetes."
b890c751cb6c4db7b672a313cabbe3f7.gif
#229
You sound like an ass...
5e1111284cb141698d3ea1510de8a694.gif
#230
You okay, dude?
f81daa1fd7324bada0faf5e275c27e5a.gif
#231
I'm fine. I've just, uh...
1c8924bee88a43aab19c143fe585ab8c.gif
#232
been doing a lot of hummingbirds today. I'm good.
ee482ac355cf4637a423b9a5b28253a7.gif
#233
- Have you eaten anything today? - No.
673ab03171114076bbfd3a4776bfc393.gif
#234
All right. Let's get out of here, bro.
1c3fc9d03bfb4e86a1a5ae6f7618c342.gif
#235
I'm going to get you something to eat.
3ed251b7fe8944cfb607c115a88bf0b0.gif
#236
- Okay... - I'm gonna lift you up.
70231e02322742ecb4f8e4a530474c42.gif
#237
Lift me up! What the hell?
a4bd1559747e4966a65ef621ff8dd69d.gif
#238
I'm not as strong as I thought, Dennis.
613e014858ee4503903bd364ed8c37e9.gif
#239
Okay, I've hurt my back.
1b1f40d5d520466590595fba39b65b8e.gif
#240
- Oh! - I'm shit-faced.
cb86ec06c3a348e487cd365af1dbd2f2.gif
#241
Yeah, well, you downed that bottle of schnapps like it was a soda pop.
56c27de5e2304ca098546b23b8472a78.gif
#242
Look, Roxy, I'm trying to give you a second chance here,
3024f4e04af243c19397aa0d9de6729d.gif
#243
- but you're making it very difficult. - Hey, this jacket is awesome!
dca2daeef1c8450fa36725948e55b5b4.gif
#244
Ooh, and it's tighter than dick skin, man.
f10fbf9c74f549e0840f2095b98ea37c.gif
#245
Can you watch your language, please, Roxy?
33616d1221624e80b75698913c9b2cac.gif
#246
We are in a classy place with classy clothes for classy people, okay?
3a8cea9d47d24fb8b492dfd3316c0bfa.gif
#247
Don't talk about dick skin.
4035f5e61a9240a6bf77036927d383be.gif
#248
Hi. Can I help you with something?
b5e015dd16124cfd96d5c29a7ba6bc14.gif
#249
No, thank you. We're just trying some stuff on.
d8bd7e7f3c344c55ac0a5324a8d80c2c.gif
#250
Um, okay.
3c3ee72a193e4ce88a89eba36e2649d8.gif
#251
Well, you are aware that jacket is $500?
97d8bae9720644f587d58c109482f968.gif
#252
- Are you implying we can't afford that? - Can you?
e96365bf0b37434fa620c783ce6f299f.gif
#253
- That's none of your business. - Um, it's exactly my business.
f185044cef114e9c9a058f6e795618f9.gif
#254
- Uh... - Excuse me.
e550be861d2744958d249dfaff7837b4.gif
#255
- Screw your dick-skin jacket, man. - Oh, no, no, no!
f53190cc96254559a0e09f05d1abce98.gif
#256
No, no! Roxy. Roxy. Oh, God, don't do that.
cd537842a5e94f2883e28e2764e642f4.gif
#257
- How do you like me now, gay boy? - Well, no... Okay. Don't call him gay,
eedccc3c34e1412b92537d42c4f9ad49.gif
#258
'cause it'd be one thing if he wasn't, but he clearly is,
afbfd92ce7114df9be5ad2de6a80da35.gif
#259
- so... - Is there a problem?
9e753c3d53014ced984ddf15c5fdf7ef.gif
#260
- Yeah, there's a problem, man. - No.
994309e994aa4c6ea33048c5586f7734.gif
#261
I'm trying to buy this coat, and this asshole here is giving me shit.
de21712e48a5476f971c3d3bfd5952fc.gif
#262
You are aware of the price?
5bf7d236db8b4837be7d201a7e8bd819.gif
#263
Well, yeah. 'Cause I have money.
e209c29641364e1d85ed7568f6474c59.gif
#264
Oh, shit!
618d5a260193419d9d328cce25f6d17a.gif
#265
Jerry, can I speak with you
aa7e99a6ba314b4c861c66218ed626ea.gif
#266
in my office, please?
67dccb6583524dd5899f323de6eeb5d5.gif
#267
- You have got to be kidding me. - Ooh, boom!
fc1c06647088429c9e1d9f9030882dfe.gif
#268
Face, Jerry! Face. Take a hike.
30229858684c49d4a0a5fedf955af440.gif
#269
Sorry about the gay stuff. That did cross a line.
c962895922654f3ab997a58ec0fac226.gif
#270
Jerry, please? My office.
cec75e6f5c8e48c5acdba8519caea61b.gif
#271
Roxy!
1d0f6e3c51d8426ea00615ad0850ead8.gif
#272
Holy shit! That was amazing.
914df4cda5d641489856ba5e2810f0e2.gif
#273
You humiliated that salesman, and then you had the capital to back it up.
d1f3a6b90c804a1fb320398ecb3cdb2d.gif
#274
I love you, Roxy.
5cd6ab49da954f37b5970a7c4ff7c643.gif
#275
- Ooh, I gotta meet a client. - No, no, no, Roxy.
ad3f3946b4074a5f81e3f9eb84959e24.gif
#276
You don't have to do that anymore. You know what?
682eece2da09423eb89ee4f7dee547ec.gif
#277
We should go find Frank, 'cause he's got a surprise for you.
97b5825b7f6f4510838397b3d81a3600.gif
#278
No, it's Tiger Woods.
e35afdd6fbb74462b6a3a06dd2dfff5d.gif
#279
It's Tiger Woods?
d5f5bd75d5924b8ca0cbbfc6f96120bd.gif
#280
Yeah.
4c6bc288b61e48249b7d1a63a2128773.gif
#281
Okay, this whole thing is blowing my mind.
f08f444a95204be78edc24481b1617aa.gif
#282
Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
944b399980f64f36adfac3b68b4db3e9.gif
#283
Yeah, yeah.
99d2416ae2c741d38d523623b267ff79.gif
#284
Now, help me dig these crack rocks out of my ass.
09eeac5fa04f487693c340f84b538e09.gif
#285
- That's what I was picturing. - Yeah.
1e1ccc83bd8a456a91056af8a697d897.gif
#286
That's more like what I was picturing.
d8812eb576fd4272a6c7683aec77c7ce.gif
#287
Charlie, I feel like a sack of shit
6eb17848092b493e8b1122998d3952a2.gif
#288
- in this thing. - You look good.
5992a8c9808a46fe84b9d5271577b4dd.gif
#289
I feel like I'm a four-year-old going to my sister's wedding.
b674138ffcd04ea58bfb252c539828b3.gif
#290
You're the limo driver. You got to look the part, bud.
c0f528b531cb4f3cb2913f7a7aa7d6f8.gif
#291
You don't look like a millionaire.
d011c6262ab145c59ab3fe383191b1cc.gif
#292
I am a casual millionaire from Texas.
f28a5a206e234afb9ed44a3f9885b082.gif
#293
- Frank... - You look like a farmer.
4821bc0c4f4e4b10bd4bbd4f22b15c99.gif
#294
...I got the whole thing worked out. Now listen to me.
f81e682d7bc949d39c79b17e5c8c03f3.gif
#295
We go out on the date. I come down with a slight cough.
3b8a87ebf6e34f69811861dad142ac7f.gif
#296
Okay? I ask to be taken home.
9cf13e17035245bea3fce857e505f396.gif
#297
You take over. You charm the hell out of her.
a4d07b4649074424bf62a00e91daa6b6.gif
#298
I'm so nervous.
f228b27ca88f4cafab0600eb7f8fa6f3.gif
#299
You know how long it's been since I've been with a non-pro?
908a355323e1440684cdb39b342f0afe.gif
#300
Will you relax?
529e38d27418429a8ad4840fb25aaf8d.gif
#301
Oh. Hello.
c09a85ffdcd14e738d3c393f63e1b077.gif
#302
Tarnation!
245caa007bed4054b6323ba39bf90950.gif
#303
You look as pretty as a peach.
d7b4793ccfe744c2a49cceced70d2555.gif
#304
Yes, you do.
df6bd8b2f7384ca68ce0f3e3889975a4.gif
#305
Hoss Bonaventure, C.E.O.
054a11ac18c14da699b6f862d8001d3e.gif
#306
- Uh, this here is my limo driver, Frank. - Hi.
805eda1858d744579a6704c27549063e.gif
#307
Now he's the finest driver in all the land,
3e17304ebd564487aba5038895491d2d.gif
#308
so you gonna get on just fine with him.
2d2be8de6106462496868d19a7a8ed31.gif
#309
- Hi. - Uh, hand down. Only say hello once.
1832cd2a67d046ab8b8446550090884d.gif
#310
He's nervous.
dfd34eebb4ec404a96662be2df1ed7af.gif
#311
All right, well, let's... Let's... Let's do this thing.
09c72d3a368b48be82e691c7cf2bd847.gif
#312
Get your stuff and giddy on up.
cd0b278496c84fbfb3e4393a2d904682.gif
#313
Calm down. You're gonna be good.
36f380af317b487aa14eebafc66a327e.gif
#314
All right.
3dc0da5b571b41a38ddaa23dc20d3c65.gif
#315
Said, "hey good looking"
3f334633208c40e0bc751aff33cc2f08.gif
#316
So, uh, how did you make your fortune?
9d9f3cc52bed4164b27ad3e223d6b519.gif
#317
Hmm? Oh, uh...
830b57621c9e4c5194d4af4d23117085.gif
#318
Well, uh, a-hustlin' and a-wrestlin'.
442db22f83ef4e7c9e8518692ef4a6c6.gif
#319
Uh, you know, this and that.
9a37866736cb44509576a98b4924c224.gif
#320
Uh, made a decent penny in boiled denims...
5c77cf4df8c44d6687b51fa4a3620b0e.gif
#321
And, uh, the bridge business mostly.
4fbbb211442a460e87b4c2f6958f9ff8.gif
#322
Uh, oh, Frank up there, though, now, that man is rich in spirit.
b1d1ef5fec3a4cfaa83fb90f6573a9e5.gif
#323
He's rich in "caricature."
bd641adccc754e8fb92dad729ca670ac.gif
#324
Uh, and that's a true fortune, if you're asking me, to have that.
286f610c754d400cb98f908f0e991ace.gif
#325
- So you build bridges? - Um, uh...
c0790c9e453b41f2941f002c655448c8.gif
#326
- I'm kind of into bridges myself. - Yeah.
9179770c476f4bc895982a2675394536.gif
#327
I found a whole case of eggs under a bridge last week.
3c84bf41b61f45759fb745a97d1e1fc8.gif
#328
Perfect condition.
ee531697f1cd4f82bbe95d2baf98e31c.gif
#329
None of them missing. None of them cracked.
7eda0f13d7af4fa598146c9c64518436.gif
#330
I mean, who in their right mind
ae74e0ae3a784c8d97b131dcc3acc433.gif
#331
throws away a perfectly good case of eggs, this day and age?
da439e11321749d88fcb139191505509.gif
#332
It's a sick world, don't you think?
eb4ac1f21cfe46189d19974bc1e4b123.gif
#333
Ah, he's good with the conversation and...
58abbaa8dfe949f3a6fdc287a4fb69f8.gif
#334
Excuse me. Excuse me.
5f3307e77ae34cdabf57fa934c11746e.gif
#335
I believe I'm coming down with a bit of something here.
603bb44902f44906889f8026a5713ed5.gif
#336
I got bit by a crab under that same bridge.
86c4cb7ce1554a068460bb42e38ea6e8.gif
#337
- Oh, did you? - Yeah.
9be52a97a5ba49d091b41de0c53c3015.gif
#338
You ever been bit by a crab, hon?
26fa5f076ef24932b8898e6f76ca3fb2.gif
#339
Can we maybe put this divider up?
39fc386d245045619304f99f9d27fa7c.gif
#340
Well, no. We don't want to exclude a great man like Frank from the conver...
7f2c58ed54f84b39892c6fc503d33b5e.gif
#341
Oh, my God!
6e854b1ccd1c4dc79db060010720f3ee.gif
#342
- Call 911. - No, it's okay.
5f2a62556df94a5291efce4326ab3853.gif
#343
I have a touch of consumption.
d8021471e95842d79ee448cf0a0fb1df.gif
#344
He's all right. Why don't we drop him off?
16c834cd84224c52bd83ee0fb2f55b0d.gif
#345
You and I will go to dinner, okay?
096c1260122d478b85dee26cbadfd19e.gif
#346
Oh! I think I've been poisoned by my constituents.
404886f5046d465485d2b295743d74ac.gif
#347
Oh, my God!
db163a9db9854703948e01cb7c4b028d.gif
#348
Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time?
9efb4106537640d1975b3f17eecbe0fa.gif
#349
Yeah, he's got an egg. You might...
fed38a3185e842b9bd0b8439d4177df8.gif
#350
Here. I'll pull over, okay?
e76effe0fafb42c38cdfe9b41be9554e.gif
#351
You... You two can go to dinner together.
1feea6f5561548b190465c0c1ee9d07a.gif
#352
Help me, somebody! Please, help me!
fb51245c8dbe484abe41851107e89c10.gif
#353
Aw, shit, Charlie.
c291efa71a724f6faf2422af219cbc5d.gif
#354
What the hell went on back there?
5ed08b576fc946718b33ee7966dbafb5.gif
#355
Uh, I swallowed, like, a million blood "capsulates..."
47a091decfc84f2db4845b38cc0c6185.gif
#356
'Cause I was gonna cough, like, you know, a handful of blood to make it real.
5d27904347af4d9fa1fb5681ac8e28e3.gif
#357
And now I'm thinking, like, you're not supposed to eat them or something,
4b00be7ed1da406198b4b0e043017749.gif
#358
'cause they're making me really sick.
b5ca45ab0eeb45b5b096593a7ac12e12.gif
#359
Aw, Charlie, you blew it.
8ee5b8df0e7f46289d331fc947d71124.gif
#360
You're the one talking about eggs and crabs and shit.
1a214efd384043019259d2caf34816d5.gif
#361
- I love eggs, Charlie. - I like eggs.
504432ca626e4781b53b790ec57f03d1.gif
#362
- And I love crabs. - I like crabs.
f5aa3cd7ca2a4032bb86736a9dbcb62c.gif
#363
And I love boiling denim
ec45a97f559a446796ffe16ea7924727.gif
#364
- and banging whores. - I love boiling... well.
15c996d1a6ec4905a59c319cb6acc3ea.gif
#365
And I don't care if anybody doesn't like that about me.
8710f3cc0654474ab3b8d614fb148952.gif
#366
- They don't have to stick around. - You're right.
40ada6bbb6754cd887115d0b7addd80d.gif
#367
- What's wrong with that chick? - Screw 'em.
283b3c6ce8da47828799c0efca46dc14.gif
#368
- I miss Roxy. - Yeah.
172d3b5f76f049b088708d2584b20de5.gif
#369
- Roxy and I are made for each other. - Yeah.
527aa4c557b54c0b98f8ba7dec336f90.gif
#370
Tell you what, if it's Roxy you want...
91348a19e49a403db67311299e28e184.gif
#371
God.
92b9be14886b46deac0b1e00dacd8172.gif
#372
That's the last of it, I think.
01da40d30c134b548697cc9f97b918af.gif
#373
Tiger Woods? I cannot believe you invited him over here, Roxy.
2c33cdfa4fd04243a8ce07f810179226.gif
#374
My place is a mess.
0c2197d332cc42dea71ed5ef0ba2b5db.gif
#375
Oh, he's here.
4272d9267f4a4b05ba86d92b01628907.gif
#376
Are you ready? I'm ready. I'm very excited.
c3ca635a4c4543b7bc5983822d3e3497.gif
#377
- Hello. - Who are you?
b2a6ca0a5479441ab8debc21ec991a8e.gif
#378
Tiger Woods.
389e989426294252aa50ed3b8b407a45.gif
#379
- Hey, Tiger. - Hey, girl.
f6643ba1f4d14c8ea0534744fa4970f2.gif
#380
- You brought a friend? - Yeah.
dfeca2f7725c447a96185b9588b7b05a.gif
#381
- Good. I like that. - Mmm-hmm.
5fd277fbae61408cb4ce902125b40f86.gif
#382
- So, you ready to do this? - I know who you are.
701f6a6ec1d84ac8afd181d6e6c73523.gif
#383
Of course you do, honey. I'm very famous.
aaa7bd72edd24a36bb2a94d0021c26ab.gif
#384
No, no, no, no, no. Hold on a second.
bea8ff5acfd84c82ba37a2d75176c245.gif
#385
Roxy, this is not Tiger Woods.
86f9146a1e0e470db8197bf897e9f0db.gif
#386
- What are you talking about? - I think this guy's an actor.
64b3e4b752554d42b191c2394c285d6e.gif
#387
He definitely pretended to be Donovan McNabb one time
c68b060c16d544288cd6f9258c1a7ada.gif
#388
when I tried out for the Eagles.
8a9190e40da8433f8861e8d8b090e041.gif
#389
Donovan McNabb? Eagles?
4f40d60ec31e4d69af228af1f11aa201.gif
#390
I don't know what she's talking about. I play golf.
0a82c15d0e2c4c9aa1431b476a55fec2.gif
#391
Okay, Roxy, see, this is exactly why you gotta stop doing this shit.
3639b6e34cd84dd1999157f1353c61ed.gif
#392
And, sir, seriously?
14e379ea74b5416f8f3fe24a1449be39.gif
#393
Okay, all right. All right, I'm sorry.
136b31c613cf462184213e7ca4b94dc3.gif
#394
You got me, all right? I'm busted.
e26c8df43285481b8d7243d15ef3dd65.gif
#395
I am an actor. My name is Don Cheadle.
60170ca10d6c40279e3c4f3b603c3541.gif
#396
No, you're not Don... What are you doing? What's going on?
5ef211ff679a423381e38bd05c31a23a.gif
#397
I don't care who he is if he pays me 500 bucks to rub my feet.
aa470d6fa24e43c585a54996487285ec.gif
#398
- Did you say 500 bucks? - Mmm-hmm.
1502757c0baf44cfac484bb81f052bdf.gif
#399
- To rub your feet? - Mmm-hmm.
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#400
- You don't have sex with him? - Mm-mm-mmm.
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#401
I'm into foot shit.
ac3e2de9464342b39f738de8e18ceb23.gif
#402
Interesting.
fa1a4b091cbc4e25a633de14b7ce0de4.gif
#403
What shoe size are you, by the way?
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#404
Hey! Your feet are bizarrely huge.
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#405
Man will go crazy for that.
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#406
I don't care for how you describe them, but what are we talking here?
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#407
- What kind of money are we talking? - Uh, well, I don't know.
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#408
Maybe we could pop those boots off and kick it around a bit.
ee26787600d547029005e0f7285c7b6e.gif
#409
Well, it never hurts to talk, does it?
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#410
Just do it.
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#411
That's... He's cute.
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#412
- Oh, God. - Chimichanga, chimichanga...
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#413
- Mac... - Chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga.
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#414
- Chimichangas are delicious. - I told you, dude.
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#415
- So good. Oh! - I told you.
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#416
Why would you not want to eat one of these every day of your life?
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#417
- Oh, my God. - I mean, they're delicious.
95f05b5aaab040e396f8f28bb6621fbd.gif
#418
They're full of carbs, which is great for a pump,
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#419
- and they're cheap as shit. - Oh.
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#420
- Hence the garbage bags filled with them. - Exactly. No restrictions.
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#421
- No restrictions, dude. - No restrictions.
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#422
Oh, I love this no-restrictions thing, man.
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#423
In that vein, I want you to take a look at that chimichanga.
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#424
I want you to say to yourself, "Chimichanga, you are delicious,
eb9760bc867b42749a9674285067d141.gif
#425
- "but what do I really want?" - Do I really want?
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#426
What do you want more than anything else in the entire world?
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#427
What do I want more than anything else in this entire world?
def97c44e46b49ddb874b5f9a0e3ab33.gif
#428
Yes.
8d16fd3e02974a5d9ceb4a258c5b446f.gif
#429
- Crack. - Oh.
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#430
I thought you were gonna say pizza or...
b2467ad5c8d14630b32d1a21c9845350.gif
#431
- Yeah. No, no, no. - Buffalo wings or something.
3dbf8e2c59824ed6976df935e15474fe.gif
#432
- You want crack? - Yeah, crack cocaine.
4a77c65279804f81a982a8ea09b41707.gif
#433
- Now, I've never had crack. - Dude, you are going to love it.
4ae18b3415cc4730aa377217763994ed.gif
#434
- I am? - It's so good.
66c282c1b44a4b40b8d965e0eec24bf0.gif
#435
- Let's do it. - Let's do it.
bf30a99ba68f406f9c26b5107941c060.gif
#436
- No restrictions, baby. No restrictions. - No restrictions.
3546080fa76045cf936e8322809350fb.gif
#437
Aw, man, this is gonna be awesome, dude.
05242256238a484285efb4a9a9ad7f58.gif
#438
- Do you want some insulin? - Oh, shit.
1c63f45974154fa99060eccd87968768.gif
#439
Yo.
12e4387d722b4392a8d59743c75a2085.gif
#440
Uh-huh.
363723916143438da91b4680ce48fe34.gif
#441
You did what now?
84efe289896b49b19cb9d851998f30af.gif
#442
Oh, she is?
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#443
I don't get it, but I don't need to.
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#444
Okay, we'll see you there. Okay, bye.
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#445
Um, dude, so apparently,
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#446
Charlie just puked blood all over some lady in a limousine,
e19414cadb7d46e9ab5aa284cb93091d.gif
#447
and Dee is sucking off Don Cheadle or something.
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#448
And Frank wants to go ahead and get married to Roxy as soon as possible.
47ab2fa00ac2406d9df1a065606f5202.gif
#449
So we gotta fire down there. Dude, we can get crack from Roxy.
e57227146c8f4a15a2d1b454b1d0612f.gif
#450
Let's get crack from Roxy.
85f6ab19c0f8466d85764aef5f092de2.gif
#451
Okay, perfect. Now do you want some of this insulin?
760e77dde4f64319b6baa1439fa19737.gif
#452
- No, I just want crack. - Okay, we'll get down there.
e3ed184574e445639c387b652fcc5fcf.gif
#453
And on the way, let's fire down to John Wanamaker's
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#454
and get ourselves a couple of Tommy Bahama shirts.
e312305df10740c5a5c11be8da0220f3.gif
#455
Are you familiar?
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#456
Yeah. See what you mean about these shirts, bro.
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#457
- Yeah. - You'll grow into yours, buddy.
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#458
Yeah. Comfy as shit. They hide your fatness.
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#459
They're ugly as all hell, but I have a feeling
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#460
I'm gonna like 'em a lot more when I'm high as shit on crack.
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#461
What's up, ass-dicks?
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#462
"Ass-dicks?" Is that how you're gonna talk from now on?
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#463
Look. I'm not taking no shit no more, so get used to it.
afbe8eb73fea40c4b385d9fe872610a5.gif
#464
Also, I'm gonna become a foot girl.
683e9582b9b54ebc9d34fc3539d84eda.gif
#465
All right, gross. Whatever. Frank, you ready?
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#466
- Oh, yeah. - I'm ready.
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#467
Okay, Roxy, Frank would like to say a few words.
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#468
- Everybody. - Gather round.
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#469
- Roxy. - Frank.
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#470
You are good shit,
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#471
and I want to make this legit.
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#472
I'm still gonna pay you,
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#473
but I want you to stop banging other guys.
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#474
What do you say? Want to be my wife or what?
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#475
Holy shit.
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#476
- Oh, my God. Oh, my... - Uh. Ooh.
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#477
- Whoops. - Christ!
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#478
No, it's okay. She does this from time to time.
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#479
She's had an excessive amount to drink, so...
e44db3204235478b8b7e9b7a1020d5e2.gif
#480
Okay. Well, Roxy, get up. Come on.
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#481
- Roxy. - Come on, Roxy.
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#482
Big day for Frank here.
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#483
We don't have a ton of time, Rox. Get up!
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#484
The bitch is dead.
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#485
How could she be dead?
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#486
I'm telling you, her heart popped.
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#487
She was smoking crack in the car the whole way here and also all day long.
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#488
- She got no pulse. - Oh, my God.
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#489
- Holy shit. - Call 911.
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#490
- Call an ambulance. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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#491
- No, no, no. No, no, no. - Whoa, whoa. What?
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#492
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
3118254376dd4954aaf90658c97387c8.gif
#493
We gotta think this through, okay?
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#494
Dead hooker in my apartment?
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#495
That doesn't look good for me. I'm covered in blood.
86ef640bace64602aa28cc61d769f325.gif
#496
I mean, it's not good to have a dead hooker, right?
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#497
It would mess up our second acts a little bit.
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#498
I'll tell you guys something, I smoked a little crack in the car on the way over.
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#499
Oh, you bitch. Oh, does she still have any?
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#500
- Yeah, yeah. - We can't leave her here.
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#501
No, no, no. We can't leave her here.
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#502
- Um... - Um...
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#503
- Let's, uh... - Oh, God.
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#504
Okay, well, I mean,
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#505
I don't want to sound insensitive, but we could just put her out in the hall.
96cfaa075336401687fa7ead8f40aeb2.gif
#506
We call in an anonymous tip.
fec7188954bd4fb6833c2ab43fafb9f8.gif
#507
- Someone finds her. - So we're still calling 911...
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#508
- Someone finds her and throws her away. - Just from a pay phone.
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#509
This seems like the best thing to do,
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#510
considering the circumstances. Frank, what do you think?
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#511
I think Roxy would have wanted it that way.
da856ae765c742fc819a23f6247b8b07.gif
#512
- He would know. - Well, there you go.
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#513
- Frank would know. - I mean, that's it.
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#514
- Yeah. - Can I say a few words?
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#515
- Oh, I don't know. - Make it nice.
a9278e2be2b84b8b9f8bb1be7ee1bea5.gif
#516
- Let's make the whole thing nice. - Really?
73dc007915254b678043490b89ef5299.gif
#517
Uh, I just want to get her out of here.
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#518
Oh, nice.
9cd4677fdeaf47e7b09fd890ca2a0146.gif
#519
Roxy, God bless you.
a7af98e630444bff8e7acdf2d03b5f81.gif
#520
You were a good whore.
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#521
You serviced me like no other whore ever did.
4f9c9495d7c0449fb1c09c5f2adfb411.gif
#522
Uh, not only my crank, but my heart.
c3ee75c0df95470896d4cbef8bb5341f.gif
#523
And... I'm gonna miss ya.
3a67e021436c43368a427f851ea0294f.gif
#524
Amen.
d23a7aab06ae4cefadd6d5f8eacad1c2.gif
#525
So should we get the dead whore out of the apartment?
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#526
- Yeah. - Yeah, like outta here.
bedad042456a4225981c62e6e36bfe7b.gif
#527
Pretty woman walkin' down the street
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#528
Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet
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#529
Pretty woman
b6c2ccfbbcd34b3f8baa774905081634.gif
#530
I don't believe you you're not the truth
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#531
No one could look as good as you
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#532
Mercy
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#533
Pretty woman, won't you pardon me?
0bdc2d87365c4f51a43757df1570cdd3.gif
#534
Pretty woman, I couldn't help but see
4d5c2fb71a424382bf6ab945787b5f6b.gif
#535
Pretty woman
514e41c70c4e47bca71aad1133106325.gif
#536
And you look lovely...