Home » Scrubs » S01E08 — My Fifteen Minutes

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 8 — My Fifteen Minutes

#3
I can't believe we're going to a strip club for lunch.

#4
I don't think about it that way. It's a place to buy a burger

#5
that's a convenient two-and-a-half mile walk away from the hospital.

#6
[crowd] No skin! We all win!

#7
Let's get outta here before we end up on the news.

#8
Excuse me, are you gentlemen visiting the club?

#9
No, we're protesting.

#10
I'm worried about the kids.

#11
So what's that in your pocket?

#12
Oh, this is, uh... It's $38 in singles.

#13
I bought a newspaper and this is the change from my 40.

#14
[thud and clatter]

#15
Neil...

#16
[J.D.] Sir...

#17
- No pulse. - Starting CPR.

#18
Call an ambulance!

#19
Coming to you live as two young doctors

#20
are trying to resuscitate my cameraman.

#21
Well, maybe I'm biased, but to me,

#22
every doctor here at Sacred Heart is a hero.

#23
Does that mean I'm a hero? I don't know.

#24
Ah! There's my dynamic duo!

#25
[journalists] Dr. Dorian! Dr. Turk!

#26
Holy inferiority complex, Batman!

#27
How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?

#28
It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.

#29
Damn you, sir.

#32
- Who cares? It's only a grade. - Really? What did you get?

#33
An A-plus. I turned on the waterworks and the resident changed it to an A-plus-plus.

#34
A proud day for women everywhere.

#35
What are you worried about? With the whole hero thing,

#36
whoever evaluates you will give you a gold star.

#37
Listen, Supergirl.

#38
I'm gonna break you into so many pieces that my grandmother,

#39
who can do a 1,000-piece puzzle of clear blue sky in less than an hour,

#40
will never be able to put you back together,

#41
even if she goes go back in time to when her vision was perfect.

#42
Somehow I doubt it.

#45
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#46
Before you deny you like looking at strange naked women again,

#47
I should remind you that when you stay at my place, it's not a hotel.

#48
The movie titles do come up on the bill.

#49
I'm sticking with "we were protesting."

#50
- J.D.? - Outraged and disgusted.

#51
Take Bambi out tonight.

#52
Maybe with all the hype you can finally get him a girl.

#53
[music and laughter]

#54
Who hasn't bought us drinks yet?

#55
It could happen.

#56
[pager beeps]

#57
- Don't wait up for me tonight. - Okay.

#58
So do you wanna get drunk and beg me for sex now

#59
or do you wanna wait till two o'clock tonight?

#60
- Let's wait. - Cool.

#61
You know, I'm off tonight. What are you doing, Carla?

#62
Just having dinner with a friend.

#64
She's not gonna get the invite.

#66
You could take Elliot with you.

#67
Great. I can't wait.

#68
Have a good time tonight.

#69
Did you lose something?

#70
No, why? Did you take something?

#71
- No. - What'd you take?

#72
Nothing.

#73
What'd you take?

#74
[whistles] Newbie. Come.

#77
Look, Doogie,

#78
I'm up to my cha-chas in busywork,

#79
so I'm gonna take a rain check on your report card

#80
and just have you do it yourself.

#81
You didn't even fill out my name.

#82
Well, now, I think it's John, or Jimmy or Ji or mmm.

#83
[Dr. Cox] It's in the J family.

#84
But if you get in trouble, just ask the nurses for help.

#85
Sir, I've been the hospital's legal counsel for,

#86
well, let's just say, when I started, I had hair.

#87
And a wife and family.

#88
The point is, I'll never get a raise without the support of senior staff like yourself.

#89
- Can't do it. - Well, you did what you could.

#90
Dr. Dorian, how are you?

#91
Well, these evaluations...

#92
Just a pleasantry, keep it moving.

#93
Listen, I've been thinking.

#94
All the publicity you and your friend have been getting,

#95
it would be silly not to milk it a little bit.

#96
See if we can't promote the hospital, what do you say?

#97
Okay, whose breasts haven't I signed yet?

#98
- It could happen. - Excuse me?

#99
Anything for the hospital, sir.

#100
So what are we doing tonight?

#101
Going out to dinner, I guess.

#102
Dinner! Where are we gonna eat?

#103
Oh, I don't know, some restaurant.

#104
Some restaurant!

#105
Be honest, um...

#106
Does this look, uh, hip enough?

#107
Since when are khakis, a pink shirt and a neckerchief not hip?

#108
True.

#109
[pager beeps]

#110
Hey.

#111
- Hi. - Hey, Darryl.

#112
Um, I have to make a quick call.

#113
So, Patricia, Darryl, this is Elliot.

#114
- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

#115
- I'm gonna get out of here. - Okay.

#116
Thanks for the ride.

#117
- Someone's a cradle-robber. - Darryl's my son.

#118
Come on, the only way he could be your son was if you had him when you were 15.

#119
- 14. - Oh.

#120
I was close.

#121
I'm sorry, that was my mom. I'm gonna have to cancel.

#122
I can't evaluate myself.

#123
Would you describe me as warm, professional, or both?

#124
I'd describe you as "I'm on my lunch."

#125
I don't know whether to be easy or hard on myself...

#126
Can't you see I'm watching my stories?

#128
Dr. Cox. Have you been here the whole time?

#129
No, I just came in through the couch door. Move.

#130
You said you were too busy to do my evaluation.

#131
I am.

#132
Didn't her daddy sell the coalmine?

#133
- Contract didn't stick. - Oh, that's interesting.

#134
- Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm.

#135
Okay, we're almost ready.

#136
Anything you wanna say before we get started?

#137
Yeah, I've got something to say to Dr. Cox.

#138
I'm gonna give you the best damn evaluation that you ever did see.

#139
And this Friday, at the Steel Cage Medi-Slam,

#140
I'm gonna give you a physical you ain't never gonna forget.

#141
I'm gonna probe ya, 'cause I'm The Intern.

#142
Nothing. Okay, I'll be right back.

#143
She is tasty.

#144
Watch me play a cat and mouse game with her.

#145
She's married to the soundman, bud.

#146
That thing clipped to your collar, that's a microphone.

#147
[whispers] I'm so sorry. And I love ZZ Top.

#148
I'm not looking forward to this.

#149
Okay, we're rolling.

#150
So, how's my cameraman doing?

#151
Good enough that he asked me for mouth-to-mouth again.

#152
[J.D. laughs]

#153
Dr. Turk, are there any specific challenges

#154
being a young black doctor in an inner city hospital?

#155
[TV drowned out by music]

#156
I'm sorry, I really wanna hear this.

#157
Is it possible to turn up the volume?

#158
That's as high as it goes.

#159
Elliot.

#160
Hi!

#161
Listen, let me tell you what happened.

#162
Elliot.

#163
Damn.

#164
When I saw that it was missing,

#165
did you not think I'd come to you?

#166
I don't know what you're talking about.

#167
So you're gonna play it that way, huh?

#168
Touché.

#169
- I finished my evaluation. - Oh, great.

#170
I thought it would take longer so the marching band won't be here until this evening.

#171
Enjoy. I think you'll find it's a good read.

#172
Hey, newbie. This thing actually does matter,

#173
so were you completely honest with yourself?

#174
Yeah.

#175
[Dr. Cox whistles]

#176
Say it right into the camera, hotshot.

#177
Now you can have this thing back any time you want.

#178
You're gonna have to bark like a dog, though.

#179
I'm-I'm not gonna bark like...

#180
It's your call.

#181
Woof.

#182
Good boy.

#184
I got something to show you.

#185
Is this an uncomfortable moment that'll change our friendship?

#186
No, no, no. You're going to like it.

#187
Good, 'cause I need some good news, man.

#188
Can you believe that news lady? "What's it like to be a black doctor?"

#189
I just wish this was over.

#190
Why have we stopped?

#191
[J.D.] Roll 'em up.

#192
Roll 'em up.

#193
What makes you think I'd wanna be a part of this?

#194
Kelso said it would make us role models. I just assumed...

#195
Yeah, everybody assumes that I'm a good athlete,

#196
or that I grew up poor, or that I love Sanford and Son.

#197
But you do love Sanford And Son.

#198
We both do.

#199
[sings theme tune to Sanford And Son]

#200
[sings another phrase]

#201
[responds]

#202
- That's what I'm talking about. - [both sing]

#203
[sing theme high-pitched]

#204
If Dr. Kelso wants me to be a role model for the community

#205
because I'm a great doctor, then that's great.

#206
I will sign on the dotted line.

#207
But that's not what this is about.

#208
All my life, I've been singled out because I'm black.

#209
[whispers] I didn't enter the contest!

#210
Shh. Smile for the picture.

#211
- Remember our college brochure? - They put you on the cover.

#212
Twice?

#213
Oh...! Oh...!

#214
It's different this time, now it's both of us.

#215
[rap music]

#216
You can still see my hand on your shoulder.

#217
And that's when I realized,

#219
This is so unfair. You're supposed to do my evaluation.

#220
And you know what? You're gonna do it, buddy boy.

#221
Buddy boy?

#222
Why, I oughta...

#223
- I'm serious. - Relax, newbie.

#224
It's just an evaluation, it should be easy.

#225
If it's that easy, it won't take you long to do it.

#226
All right, don't you worry about it, newbie.

#227
I'll evaluate the hell right out of you.

#228
- When? - The second I get off work.

#229
- Fine! - Fine.

#230
Great! Here it is.

#231
You get off six-ish, or...?

#232
Oh, danger. Oh, oh...

#233
You're gonna have to see her eventually.

#234
No, I don't. I know the layout to the air-duct system

#235
like the back of my hand.

#236
Of course I'm gonna have to see her again.

#237
So this is the part where all of a sudden it's my fault?

#238
Turk, if you could have seen the look on her face...

#239
I tell you, if I think about it again, it's gonna make me cry.

#240
What am I gonna do?

#241
Keep doing what you're doing.

#242
Eventually, she'll quit and move.

#243
- Why am I even talking to you? - What?!

#244
You're such a guy.

#245
You can't understand something this deep

#246
on any kind of real emotional level.

#247
Hey, Turk. I'm sorry about the poster thing.

#248
It was racially insensitive. I should've been aware of your feelings.

#249
Your intentions were good. There's never been an issue of race between us.

#250
You've been nothing but a friend to me.

#251
I love you, man.

#252
Hit me one.

#253
Keep it real.

#254
We've got some things to work out but we'll get there.

#255
We'll get there.

#256
Sure, it hurt.

#257
But you know what? I'm not gonna wallow in self pity.

#258
Right after work, I'm gonna go straight downtown

#259
and just tear it up, you know?

#260
Maybe I'll have a cigarette, just get a little crazy,

#261
and head wherever the night takes me.

#262
What's that, now?

#263
Thanks so much!

#264
[needle scratches record]

#265
[siren wails]

#266
Taxi!

#267
[man] Hey, baby, how much?

#268
[man] Hey, don't go away, man!

#269
Get me the hell outta here. Hurry!

#270
Here's what we're gonna do.

#271
I'm gonna leave the cart in the closet

#272
and leave the closet unlocked.

#273
If, by magic, it should happen to reappear,

#274
I won't ask any questions.

#275
I don't even know what "it" is.

#276
Then why take it?

#277
I...

#278
Well, if it isn't Dr. Turk,

#279
the friendly face of Sacred Heart.

#280
Yeah.

#281
Dr. Kelso, about these posters...

#282
They're making me uncomfortable.

#283
Oh, I'm so sorry.

#284
I didn't realize you felt that way.

#285
Well, here's what I'm gonna do.

#286
I'm gonna leave them up.

#287
I can live with that. Or I can sue you.

#288
[screech of brakes]

#289
Dr. Turk, you are an employee here.

#290
I can advertise however I wish.

#291
I can use your image, your name,

#292
I can manufacture tiny little Dr. Turk action figures.

#293
It'll cost $12.95. When you pull the string, it says:

#294
"I don't like these posters of me!"

#295
- Isn't that right, Ted? - Oh, definitely, sir.

#296
You'd certainly be vulnerable from a legal standpoint.

#297
How vulnerable?

#298
That lawsuit would be over so quickly,

#299
I'd advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse,

#300
since Dr. Turk would be driving your Beamer home to his place.

#301
Hippie.

#302
God, that felt good.

#303
Who's the man?

#304
- Is it me? - Damn right it's you.

#305
Oh!

#306
Right, man.

#307
It's me.

#308
Elliot...

#309
There's no excuse for what I did.

#310
No, there's not.

#311
- Are we done? - I'm really sorry.

#312
Don't be.

#313
If I was going out with my friend I wouldn't invite you.

#314
Who am I kidding? Yes, I would.

#315
She'd like you better and neither of you would talk to me again.

#316
I only did it because I hadn't seen Patricia in a long time.

#317
You did it because I don't fit in with you and your friend.

#318
It's no surprise. It's not like I've ever fit in anywhere.

#319
Carla, your friend Patricia's here.

#320
There's a problem with her son.

#321
Why so sad, Marshmallow?

#323
Oh, good. He's not here.

#324
Dr. Cox?

#325
It's time.

#326
Sit down.

#327
What do you want me to say? That you're great?

#328
That you're raising the bar for interns everywhere?

#329
I'm cool with that.

#330
I'm not gonna say that. You're okay.

#331
You might be better than that some day but right now all I see is

#332
a guy so worried about what everybody else thinks of him

#333
that he has no real belief in himself.

#334
I mean, did you even wonder why I told you to do your own evaluation?

#335
I-I can't think of a safe answer, I just...

#336
Clam up!

#337
I wanted you to think about yourself.

#338
And I mean really think.

#339
What are you good at? What do you suck at? I wanted it down on paper,

#340
not so I could see it, or anybody else,

#341
but so that you could see it.

#342
Ultimately, you don't have to answer to me, or to Kelso,

#343
you don't even have to answer to your patients, for God's sake.

#344
You only have to answer to one guy, newbie, and that's you!

#345
There...

#346
You are... evaluated.

#347
Now get the hell outta my sight.

#348
You, honest to God, get me so angry

#349
I'm afraid I just might hurt myself.

#350
So what are you? One of the male nurses?

#351
Actually, I'm a surgeon. I'm doing this as a favor for Carla.

#352
Hey, Carla is fine.

#353
What's she doing with you?

#354
Slummin' a little, God bless her heart.

#355
This is a knife cut, huh?

#356
Yeah, it's cool.

#357
See this right here?

#358
Pinched it in a door. Two stitches.

#359
- Oh, man. You hardcore, man. - Hell, yeah!

#360
Darryl's gonna be fine but I'm worried about you.

#361
You're a little upset. I'll set you up in a room with some fluids and maybe a valium.

#362
- Elliot, thank you. - Hey, there you are.

#363
- Oh... - Elliot, you're coming, right?

#364
- In a sec. - Are you all right?

#366
Hot cocoa, sweetie?

#367
Thanks.

#368
Any time.

#372
Hell, yeah! Hell!

#374
And it didn't feel that good.

#375
I would like to make special mention of one intern here,

#376
John Dorian.

#377
Smart kid, extremely competent, and his enthusiasm

#378
and his determination to always be better

#379
is something I see in him 24 hours a day.

#380
He cares. Probably cares too much.

#381
But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose.

#382
If you have any questions...

#383
I could give a crap, I'm goin' home.

#384
You all get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.

#385
Oh, good, newbie. You found a specialty.

#386
No, I just dropped my pen.

#387
Well, look what magically found its way back home.

#388
What? Your window cleaner?

#389
No. Ammonia.

#390
This is window cleaner, right, uh...

#391
Why?

#392
Now that's just bad luck.

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