Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E08 — Charlie Catches a Leprechaun

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 8 — Charlie Catches a Leprechaun

#1
Okay, gather round, everybody.

#2
Gather round, please.

#3
Yeah, I have a presentation.

#4
Now, because of everyone's A.D.D., I know I'm gonna

#5
lose your attention in about three minutes,

#6
- and Frank's gonna fall asleep. - No way.

#7
I slept 26 hours last night.

#8
You still seem sleepy. Can I start my presentation?

#9
- Where's the easel? - I'm not using an easel. Don't interrupt.

#10
- You want me to go get the projector? - No, I don't want the projector.

#11
- And I don't want the easel. - What are you gonna point with?

#12
Don't want whatever the hell you're gonna say.

#13
It's all gonna be old and outdated, all right?

#14
Let me start my presentation, which is actually about that.

#15
It's about innovation. Not taking questions. Goddamn.

#16
Let me do my thing. Stop interrupting.

#17
Okay, so, um, as we all know, um, tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day,

#18
traditionally our most profitable day.

#19
However, recently, profits have been declining.

#20
Every year. And we need to change.

#23
These days, people like to have things on demand.

#24
Instead of having to go to a bar,

#25
we will bring the bar to you.

#26
Oh, is that, like, a car service type of thing?

#27
Where we pick people up and take 'em around from bar to bar

#28
and jack up the prices?

#30
The Paddy's wagon is the bar.

#31
No, Dennis. If we want to make money,

#32
we need to honor ancient Irish traditions,

#33
like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people

#34
who are genetically predisposed to having alcohol problems.

#35
Right. St. Patrick started that tradition,

#36
and that's why we celebrate him today.

#37
Yeah... No, that's not what he did.

#38
He played the flute for some kids,

#39
and then he lured them into a cave somewhere,

#40
- and he diddled them. - Nah.

#41
- You got him mixed up with the Pied Piper. - Right.

#42
St. Patrick didn't play the flute.

#43
He drove the kids out of Ireland.

#44
And then he molested 'em.

#45
No, no, if St. Patrick molested kids,

#46
- he would be regarded as a scoundrel. - No, no, no.

#47
I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church,

#48
pedophiles were regarded as heroes.

#49
All right, look, guys, uh,

#51
- He drove the snakes out of Ireland. - I don't know about all this.

#52
I kind of want to just do the traditional thing

#54
- and trying to catch the leprechaun. - No!

#55
We don't want to do the leprechaun thing again.

#56
- Stop, guys... - I'm gonna catch one.

#57
- I'm this close. - You're not gonna catch him

#59
You know what... I don't even know

#60
if I've set up my glue traps for him yet.

#61
Enough with the leprechaun!

#62
- Can you believe him? - Okay, wait.

#63
- Who cares? I'm trying to... - You know what

#64
I might want to get myself a flute.

#66
I feel like it's a really fun...

#68
Go get a flute!

#69
Everybody go get a flute!

#70
...in the sixth grade, I feel like it's kind of simple.

#71
Frank, look...

#72
Let me explain it to you, at least.

#73
No, he's gone.

#74
Okay.

#75
So, Frank... here's the plan.

#76
We're gonna fill the wagon with hip, attractive clientele.

#77
We're gonna use my streamlined system to process drink orders.

#78
We're gonna take photographs with a retro filter for the Web site.

#80
to comment and spread brand awareness

#81
over various social media platforms.

#82
That seems insanely complicated. Why don't we just take cash?

#83
No. What I'm talking about's way simpler than cash.

#84
It's... It's streamlined.

#85
- I'm lost. - I'm trying to explain it to you.

#86
- I feel like you're not listening. - I...

#87
Top o' the morning, you filthy lads.

#88
I'm fixing to have a whale of a time in this here mobile pub.

#89
I'm sorry... What is this?

#91
Yeah. Why?

#92
- 'Cause it's fun. - No.

#93
I thought that's the thing about St. Patrick's Day...

#94
People want clownery and they want to embrace

#95
- the Irish stereotypes. - No. This isn't innovative.

#96
It's outdated and it's gonna offend people.

#98
Okay, Frank, look... No guns.

#100
Okay, trust me, I got this.

#101
- Frank, you're gonna drive. - Drive.

#102
Dee, you're gonna serve drinks.

#103
As a human being. A real one.

#104
- Mmm. - Guys, I'm gonna provide...

#105
the experience.

#106
Ooh.

#107
- Okay. - Yeah, right?

#108
- Yeah, I like this. - Nice.

#109
See, I told you. I know what I'm doing.

#110
Come on, let's go.

#111
Frank, you're driving.

#113
Ho! Check it out, Mac, got some cool stuff.

#115
Great. Why?

#116
The snakes, 'cause we... I don't remember

#117
where we landed on St. Paddy, but I remember snakes were involved.

#118
And the green paint's for the beer.

#120
But why not just use food coloring for the beer?

#121
'Cause beer's not a food.

#122
When was the last time you ate a beer?

#123
When was the last time you drank paint?

#124
Have you been drinking paint?

#125
No.

#126
Let me see your tongue.

#127
Oh, my God, dude!

#128
- Oh, that shit's disgusting! - It's not bad.

#129
- You can't drink paint. - I know. I hear you.

#130
You say that, but I don't think that you're gonna stop.

#131
I get it, though, man. It's right.

#132
I feel like you're saying you get it, but you don't get it.

#133
- It's cool. - It's not cool.

#134
- It is what it is. - Oh, my God,

#135
this is so frustrating!

#136
I'm gonna go down to the basement

#137
and I'm gonna check out my glue traps

#138
- and see if I got a leprechaun in there. - Wait, no, no.

#139
We said no leprechaun this year.

#140
You're not chasing leprechauns.

#141
I know, and I forgot where we landed on that.

#142
I got these great cookie sheets, they're filled with glue, so...

#144
It's a frustrating thing. It's like the guy doesn't

#145
listen to us, man, when we're trying to get through to him.

#146
It's a bummer.

#147
No, not you. Keep moving, let's go,

#148
come on. You kidding me?

#149
Oh, hey, there, fellas.

#150
What's going on? Where you going? You know what?

#151
Don't answer that. Because I already know.

#152
You're going for a ride in the Paddy's Wagon.

#153
Oh, cool. Is this, like, a car service thing?

#154
Can you take us to Center City?

#155
No, it's not a goddamn car service. Why does everyone...

#156
Get in that wagon right now or I'm gonna

#157
sock you a good one right in the kisser!

#158
Yeah, you dumb bi...

#159
- What the hell are you doing? - Just innovating.

#160
I took the Paddy's wig and I cut it into an awesome beard.

#161
- Great new character. - No.

#162
- Hilarious. - You've just created another

#164
The Fighting Irish... it's true.

#165
That's what Irish people do.

#166
They get drunk, they fight people.

#167
Look, guys, don't pay attention to her.

#168
I want to give you an authentic, uh,

#169
once-in-a-lifetime experience here.

#171
No, no. It's not a bang bus, okay?

#172
Look... Just get in the wagon,

#173
- I'll give you a ride to Center City. - Get in.

#174
Gentlemen, let me walk you through how our simple business works.

#175
God, take it easy, Frank!

#176
Don't tell me how to drive, you bitch.

#177
Let's keep it light for the customers, all right, Frank?

#178
As I was saying, fellas, what you're gonna

#179
need to do is you, uh, you're gonna

#181
log in using Facebook, and you're gonna watch

#182
a brief, 30-second advertisement.

#183
And then once we receive your online order,

#184
you will promptly be served a beer.

#185
- Can't I just pay you cash? - That's what I...

#186
No, cash is the way that antiquated companies do business.

#187
I just want a beer. I don't really

#188
want you to have all my personal information.

#189
"A beer. Just want a beer. Don't want you to have my..."

#190
Yeah.

#191
Look, if I just gave you a beer and you just gave me cash,

#192
then you wouldn't be able to experience

#193
everything that we've got to offer here, okay?

#194
Look, I'll show you. Let me just pull up my...

#196
But, uh, can't get the goddamn thing to go online.

#198
Dee, why don't you just give 'em a couple free beers?

#199
We'll call 'em "freemiums."

#200
Don't know if you're familiar with that term.

#201
- This is like all foam. - Dee, you goddamn bitch!

#202
Hey! Oh, this thing's bouncing around

#203
like a pinball. Don't blame me.

#204
Keep it light, you bitch!

#205
- All right. - This is weird.

#207
Hey, it's locked. Can you guys let us out?

#209
Why would you call the cops? We're just hanging out!

#210
All right, stop. All right, oh, oh, oh, oh. Push "end." End.

#211
Give the phones to the girl.

#212
Let's go. I don't want to have to do this shit.

#213
Frank, we got to pivot the business.

#214
Mmm-hmm.

#215
Come on, get the hell out. Everybody out.

#216
Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out.

#217
All right.

#218
Don't worry. We're gonna mail your phones back to you,

#219
but we're gonna need your addresses, so fork over your I.D.s.

#220
- Let's go. Come on. - And their money.

#221
We can't have 'em cabbing it back to the city

#222
and going straight to the cops.

#223
God damn it. That's a good point.

#224
You know what? Dee, collect their wallets.

#225
Don't worry, guys. We're not thieves. You'll get your wallets back, too.

#226
- Yeah. - Don't be babies.

#227
Come on, guys, let's go.

#228
- Let's go. - Shut the doors.

#229
Did we just kidnap and rob those guys?

#230
We just drove the snakes out of Philly,

#231
the way St. Patrick did.

#232
Oh!

#233
So, what you're saying is, technically, we gave those guys

#234
a very authentic St. Paddy's Day experience.

#235
- Oh. - Yeah.

#236
- Nice. - In a way.

#237
Oh. All right.

#238
- That's good. That's good. - Yeah.

#239
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here.

#240
Jesus Christ, where's Charlie?

#241
Hey, Mac, somebody stole my damn wallet.

#242
- What? - Beat it, Mauricio!

#243
I need to talk to Mac.

#244
Charlie, where have you been?

#245
I can't run the bar by myself and do security.

#246
People are getting their wallets stolen.

#247
Okay, uh, look, just come to the basement with me really quick.

#248
God damn it! All right. Attention, everybody.

#249
Irish honor system. Please serve yourselves.

#250
Put the money in the bucket. Thank you.

#251
I don't think the Irish honor system's a thing.

#252
Oh, it's a thing. It's an ancient Irish tradition.

#253
Know your history. What could possibly be so important?

#254
Charlie... what the hell am I looking at?

#255
I caught him.

#256
I caught that son of a bitch.

#257
I think you've kidnapped a little person.

#258
Huh?

#259
Nah... nah, nah. First of all, I've captured a leprechaun, okay?

#260
You wouldn't say, "I kidnapped Bigfoot," right?

#261
You'd say, "I captured Bigfoot."

#262
That may be true, but leprechauns aren't real.

#263
So what we're dealing with here is a little person in a glue trap.

#264
I thought about that, ruled it out, okay?

#265
'Cause the basement door was locked, so unless

#266
he's a being who's unrestrained by the laws

#267
of the physical world, he's not getting down here.

#268
If he is a human being, he is going to sue the shit out of us.

#269
If he's a leprechaun, he's got a pot of gold.

#270
Yeah... Well, yeah, that's...

#271
Well, let's not rule one out over the other.

#272
I mean, it's very weird that he's down here, right?

#273
Okay. Let's ask him.

#274
Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask you a direct question.

#275
Are you now or have you ever been a leprechaun?

#276
No, I'm not a goddamn leprechaun!

#277
- Please... - It was pretty convincing.

#278
Are you kidding me? If he's a leprechaun,

#279
that's what he has to say, right?

#280
Sir, why are you dressed like a leprechaun?

#281
'Cause it's St. Paddy's Day, you idiots!

#282
- This guy's good. He's good. - Yeah.

#283
Nasty little son of a bitch, isn't he?

#284
- There's a real bite to him. - I know.

#285
You know what I think we should do?

#286
We just rough him up a little bit.

#287
Just get the truth out of him.

#288
It's a great idea. We don't want to bruise him up.

#289
I just wish we had a hose or something.

#290
- Yeah. - We could blast the truth out of him.

#291
- Right? - That'd be good...

#292
Oh, shit. There's a hose right here.

#293
I don't ever remember a hose being down here, do you?

#294
- No. I don't know. - Dude...

#295
do you realize what just happened?

#296
You made a wish, which the leprechaun clearly granted.

#297
Everyone knows, you capture a leprechaun, you get three wishes, right?

#298
We got to think very carefully what our next two are here.

#299
- I wish I could live forever? - What are you doing?

#300
- I wish you don't. How about that? - No! Why did you do that?

#301
- Why did you do that? - Why didn't you say,

#302
"I wish I could live forever"?

#303
- Live forever with you? - Well...

#304
Look, I'm not a leprechaun!

#305
Just let me out of here, you dickheads!

#306
Wish there was a way we could just know for sure.

#307
Charlie?

#308
Get the snake.

#309
You know what the problem was, Frank?

#310
That last group of belligerent hooligans just didn't understand

#311
how to experience our business properly,

#312
but I think this new group is gonna get it.

#313
Plus, they're physically weaker, in case anything goes wrong.

#314
What's happening?

#315
I'll tell ya what's happenin'.

#316
One day you're young and pretty,

#317
and the next, the years of drinking and abuse

#318
have robbed you of your youth.

#319
Abuse? Did these guys hurt you?

#320
No! Me husband did this to me.

#321
Arr!

#322
- Dee... - Mmm?

#323
What the hell are you doing? Are you a pirate?

#324
I can't tell if you're doing a thing now,

#325
or if this is just who you've become.

#326
I'm giving them an authentic Irish experience,

#327
like you were begging for before...

#328
You're giving them a completely inauthentic,

#329
frightening experience, and you're scaring them.

#330
Listen, ladies, nobody's gonna get hurt.

#331
- Will you just let us out, please? - Well, no.

#332
I'm not gonna let you out.

#333
I need you to experience everything I have to offer so you're...

#334
- Rahr! - So, experience... Dee! Shut up!

#335
All right, look, we're gonna have a good time here, okay?

#336
You're experiencing some free beers right now

#337
because I can't get the goddamn Internet to work.

#338
That's a problem for me. Do you guys know how to use tablet computers?

#339
- You're young. - No.

#340
I just want to connect the goddamn thing to the Internet.

#341
They told me it'd be easy. It's not, though.

#342
I'll tell you what.

#343
I'll let you out after I take a couple photographs of you.

#344
How's that sound? Yeah? Take some photographs

#345
for my Web site? So, look happy.

#346
Look like you're having fun. No need to cover those up.

#347
My customers like those. They're like me.

#348
They're gonna want to see that.

#349
Okay, so smiling, smiling, and...

#350
You're not convincing me. Smile!

#351
Goddamn!

#352
This is not supposed to be scary.

#353
This is supposed to be an authentic, fun time for you.

#354
Yeah, all right, well,

#355
I need to buy it, okay?

#356
Please let us out.

#357
I don't want to be on your weird Web site.

#358
If you don't comply with me, then you're gonna end up

#359
on the weird one, okay? So, smile.

#360
Ugh! All right.

#361
You know what? This isn't gonna work.

#362
All right, come on, come on.

#363
Let's go. Come on.

#364
All right, out you go, ladies.

#365
I know you didn't threaten to call the cops,

#366
but you would have... I'm certain of it...

#367
so I'm gonna need your wallets and your phones.

#368
Give 'em to the girl.

#369
I'm probably gonna pop on your Twitter accounts.

#370
Write us some enthusiastic reviews,

#371
which you would have done, as well, had you experienced our business properly,

#372
but you decided to be...

#373
All right, well...

#374
- Talk, bitch! I'm blasting you! - Come on! Talk!

#375
- Come on, leprechaun, admit it! - Where's the gold?!

#376
What's the point? There's no water pressure.

#377
- I feel like I'm giving him a baby bath. - I know.

#378
Snake's not working either.

#379
That's because the snake is dead.

#380
Because you put it in a plastic bag and it couldn't breathe.

#381
Doesn't matter. He probably killed it

#382
with his leprechaun magic, anyway.

#383
I'm not a leprechaun, you goddamn assholes!

#384
- Yeah, guy. - How are we gonna get his pot of gold

#385
if he won't even admit to us that he's a leprechaun?

#386
If this guy would just admit he was a leprechaun,

#387
- we could be done with this mess. - Yeah.

#388
- Of course. - Fine, you got me.

#389
I'm a leprechaun. I admit it.

#390
- What? - God... I am a... I'm a...

#391
damn... I'm a leprechaun.

#392
Yeah, but you don't have the accent,

#393
- and that's throwing me off, right? - It's throwing me off.

#394
I live in a faraway land,

#395
and I was transported here by a giant magical rainbow.

#396
And you never got me Lucky Charms.

#397
- Oh! - That's it! That's it!

#398
- You were right! You caught a leprechaun! - I told you! I knew it!

#399
Hey, can you let me go now?

#400
- No, you can't go. - No. No.

#401
- We need your pot of gold. Where is it? - Yeah.

#402
It's at the bottom of the rainbow.

#403
- Hmm. - Must be some sort of leprechaun riddle,

#404
'cause there's no rainbows out today.

#405
No, dude... I don't think this guy's talking in metaphors.

#406
I think he means exactly what he's saying.

#407
He's talking about that gay bar

#408
down on Locust Street... the Rainbow.

#409
- You know which one I'm talking about? - No.

#410
I'm gonna go check it out, alone.

#411
Why?

#412
Because you'll be here.

#413
And if the gang comes back,

#414
they'll also be here, and I'll be there, alone.

#415
- Right. - But you'll be here.

#416
- Great. - Great.

#417
- You go do that... - Okay. Yeah.

#418
...and remember, you're there to look for a pot of gold.

#419
Okay. Alone.

#420
You'll be there, alone.

#421
Okay! Got it.

#422
All right, well, that just leaves you and me, and, uh,

#423
we both know there's no pot of gold at that gay bar.

#424
So the question is...

#425
what to do with the little liar.

#426
We haven't made a goddamn penny today.

#427
We actually lost money,

#428
with all the gas we burned going back and forth.

#429
It's not my fault. The business model's flawless.

#430
If you knew how to drive and you knew how to serve

#431
a goddamn beer, we wouldn't be in this mess.

#432
Hmm.

#433
- All right. - Mmm.

#434
Okay, everybody out. Get out. Let's go. Come on.

#435
Go, go, go. You guys are in the wrong demographic.

#436
Where have you taken us?

#437
Right. Yeah, I guess, uh,

#438
we got so used to our routine of picking people up and dropping

#439
'em off outside of town that we never even tried

#440
- to sell you people beer, did we? - They're too old, anyway.

#441
- Who's gonna watch 'em on a Web site? - That's true.

#442
You guys are a little too old for our...

#443
- So... - Wallets and phones. You know the drill.

#444
I don't know why we don't just do the car service thing.

#445
People seem to be needing rides all over the town.

#446
- That idea may work. - You think so?

#447
- Thank you. - You're welcome.

#448
Oh. But before we pivot to that one,

#449
um, Deandra, you mind, uh, jumpin' out

#450
to see about the gas cap? I think I left it off.

#451
Yeah.

#452
Oop.

#453
Oh! Hey!

#454
Oh, goddamn!

#455
God damn it!

#456
- What you did there was... very funny. - Yeah.

#457
- That bitch was dragging us down. - Yeah.

#458
- She was driving me crazy. - Oh.

#459
- Oh... shit. - What?

#460
She didn't put the gas cap on.

#461
- Oh, is it open for real? - Big-time.

#462
Oh, shit. Let me grab that real quick.

#463
I got it.

#464
No, no, no, no, n... Aw, goddamn!

#465
I can't believe Uber jacks up their prices just because it's a holiday.

#466
It's a scam.

#467
We should have been doing that the entire time.

#468
Are you kidding me? That was my whole idea.

#469
Stop trying to take credit for everything.

#470
What is going on in here? Weren't Mac and Charlie

#471
- taking care of the bar? - Yeah, they were.

#472
- Why is the bar empty? - It ain't empty.

#473
What are you doing back here, you piece of shit?

#474
It's a long story. The business hit a wall,

#475
went up in smoke, and then went under.

#476
Why are you speaking in metaphors?

#477
It ain't a metaphor. I fell asleep,

#478
crashed into a wall, the engine burst into flames,

#479
- and I had to drive it into a river. - Right.

#480
What the hell is that?

#481
To keep this smile from my face

#482
Losing control, yeah

#483
I'm all over the place

#484
Clowns to the left of me jokers to the right

#485
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...

#486
Well, you may be a man.

#487
You may be a leprechaun.

#488
But only one thing's for sure:

#489
you're in the wrong basement.

#490
God damn it! No!

#491
- I'm gonna see if you bleed green. - No! No! No, no, no!

#492
- Whoa, Charlie, what the hell is... - Whoa. Hey!

#493
What are you doing?

#494
What does it look like I'm doing?

#495
It looks like you've tied a little person to a chair

#496
and you're gonna torture him.

#497
No, I've tied a leprechaun to a chair,

#498
and, uh, yeah, I was gonna cut him to pieces.

#499
Charlie... you been drinking straight paint?

#500
Yeah.

#501
Charlie, he's not a leprechaun! Do not hurt him! I repeat:

#502
he is not a leprechaun! Oh, hey.

#503
- What is this? - Why are you covered in glitter?

#504
I would love to answer all of your questions,

#505
but there is no time.

#506
You see, I went to the Rainbow to look for a pot of gold.

#507
- The gay bar? - Oh.

#508
Again, no questions.

#509
And when I got back,

#510
I found this bag full of wallets,

#511
hidden where we keep the towels.

#512
- Why did you need towels? - Not answering questions, okay?

#513
Because apparently this son of a bitch is a pickpocket.

#514
That's why he's been lurking around Paddy's.

#515
Oh! That makes a lot of sense, 'cause he kept saying,

#516
like, "I'm a pickpocket. Stop hurting me.

#517
"I'm not a leprechaun." I just thought that was

#518
a metaphor for "I am a leprechaun."

#519
This little son of a bitch has been picking pockets

#520
at our bar every St. Paddy's Day for years.

#521
Well, we got a whole bag full of wallets and phones, too.

#522
- You did? - Yeah.

#523
That's good. Because the bar did not do so great.

#524
Turns out the Irish honor system, that's not a thing.

#525
We were gonna actually return the wallets

#526
- that we got, but... - Yeah.

#527
...since no one seems to be

#528
being honorable, uh, maybe we keep our wallets

#529
- and those and, you know... - Yeah.

#530
- chalk it up as a win. - Oh, the luck of the Irish.

#531
Let's not make it a tradition.

#532
- Sure. - Yeah, probably better not to.

#533
All right, well, what do we do with this piece of shit?

#534
Oh, shit, that leprechaun just flew up a rainbow!

#535
Stop drinking paint, Charlie.

#536
Huh.

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