Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E09 — The Gang Goes to Hell (1)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 9 — The Gang Goes to Hell (1)

#2
didn't think any of us would be standing in front of you here today.

#3
- No, no, I mean... - Shit, no.

#4
I thought we were going straight to hell. Yeah.

#5
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. Right, well...

#6
- But that being said, we're good people. - Oh, yeah.

#7
I did what I did. You don't like it,

#8
- you can kiss my ass. - Oh, oh.

#9
- Easy, easy. - Hey, could we be judged individually?

#10
'Cause I don't want to be lumped in with him.

#11
Look, I know you're gonna judge us.

#12
But before that cruise ship went down,

#13
- we prayed. - Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah.

#14
I mean, like, sure, we've done some bad things,

#15
you know, but we've changed, I promise.

#17
So please just reserve your judgment, okay?

#18
Because once we're finished,

#19
I'm sure you'll judge us accordingly.

#20
Mmm-hmm.

#23
This is a Christian cruise.

#24
Yeah, and I got to say, winning raffles, going on cruises...

#25
I like this new church of yours, Mac.

#26
- I think you found the right one. - Yeah.

#27
Oh, I didn't find them. They found me.

#28
And it's all, of course, a part of God's plan.

#29
It's also a part of God's plan

#30
that we all get closer to him through fellowship.

#31
Hey, Mac, is God gonna be able to protect against the ship sinking?

#34
Guys, we don't have to worry about drunk captains,

#36
- Yeah. - Yeah, I do. And about that, um,

#37
where exactly does God stand on that dry thing?

#38
Is that a hard, fast rule or is there some wiggle room?

#39
Look, this cruise is an opportunity for us to get away

#40
from the sins of everyday life. That being said,

#42
You know, just to stave off the shakes.

#43
- Smart. Don't want to get sick. - Oh, thank God.

#44
Okay, guys, I am gonna head up to Bible study right now.

#45
- Oh, right now. - Uh, this is our suite.

#46
Yeah, you guys can check in or whatever.

#47
But do you want to meet me there?

#48
- Do we? - Yeah, yeah, we'll, we'll...

#49
We got to set our bags down and then, uh...

#50
I have to unpack, I always do.

#51
All right. Peace be with you.

#52
- All right. - Okay. Yeah, yeah.

#53
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

#54
You're supposed to say, "And also with you."

#55
- Why is that? - Would you say...

#56
I'm not gonna say that. Uh, you know what, I'll say it,

#57
if it's gonna help you get out of here

#58
and go to your Bible study. But I'm not gonna mean it.

#59
Oh, you don't have to mean it. Yeah, you just have to say it.

#60
Okay. And also with you. Bye.

#61
Guys, this is gonna be the best cruise ever.

#62
- Yeah. - I'm not saying it.

#63
- Take care. - I'm not saying that.

#64
You don't have to mean it.

#65
- Mmm. - Yeah.

#66
Oh, shit.

#67
- Yeah. - I needed that.

#68
Man, and the beer calms my nerves, too.

#69
I feel like I could drink that whole suitcase.

#70
Oh, God, me, too. But let's not, okay?

#71
'Cause this is the only alcohol on the entire ship.

#72
- Ooh, yeah. - Yeah. All right, okay.

#73
- That'd be bad. - But it's time to suit up now,

#74
- so we can get into some nonsense. - What do mean, suit up?

#75
Did you bring costumes?

#77
No, no, no, I'm putting a stop to this right now.

#78
No costumes, no high jinks.

#79
Okay? Can we just... Guys, can we take a vacation

#80
from our usual bullshit?

#81
You know, I'm not saying we got to do the God stuff,

#82
but let's not do a bunch of anti-God stuff either, okay?

#83
So don't be gluttonous.

#84
Okay? You, no wrath.

#85
No lust for me. You know, which is gonna be difficult,

#86
given the implications of being on a boat.

#87
All right, well, I'm taking a vacation from you guys, okay?

#88
I'm tired of getting shit on. All right.

#89
That's what I'm talking about, Dee. Nobody's gonna shit on you.

#90
Nobody's gonna call you a bird.

#91
I agree. But first, I got to take the cross off that Mac gave us.

#92
- Oh, yeah. - This thing is burning me to shit.

#93
- Look at that. - Oh.

#94
Oh! Goddamn, Frank.

#95
Oh, my God.

#96
You might actually be the devil.

#97
- Jesus, I'm gonna take mine off, too. - I could be Satan.

#98
Screw God!

#99
Whoa, whoa, what-what was that? Did God do that?

#100
- No, no, no. - Don't go crazy on the God stuff.

#101
That being said, the timing of that big boat noise

#102
was pretty suspect, so, Frank, maybe don't push his buttons?

#103
- Yeah. - I get that. Yeah.

#104
All right, I'll leave him alone.

#105
Hey, Mac.

#106
We are about ready to get started. You feeling okay?

#107
Yeah, David. It's good. I was just, uh, waiting on my friends.

#108
They said they were gonna be here and they're not here yet.

#109
I've sort of taken on a missionary position with them.

#110
You know? They need salvation.

#111
Especially my one friend, Frank.

#113
to burn through his skin.

#114
Why?

#115
Oh, to subtly send the message that he might be a demon.

#116
Oh, well, yikes.

#117
Uh, listen, when your friends are ready, they'll come.

#118
Right, yeah. You know, we should just get started.

#119
- Scott, you ready to go? - Yup, yup.

#121
Why don't we, uh... Well, let's just...

#122
We'll sing through it once and we'll get it on its feet.

#124
Guys, what's that song? I'm not familiar with that hymn.

#126
from Guys and Dolls.

#127
It's for the talent show. We do it every year on this cruise.

#128
- It's fun. - Fun?

#129
No, no, the songs aren't supposed to be fun,

#130
they're supposed to be bleak and dreary,

#131
so we can focus on how bad we are.

#132
Yeah. We need to punish our ears

#133
to pay for the original sin of being born.

#134
Mac, look, uh, I know it can be difficult transitioning into a new church.

#137
But, guys, I can almost guarantee you

#138
that I'm not gonna like this.

#139
Said to myself sit down

#140
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat

#141
And the devil will drag you under

#142
With a soul so heavy you wouldn't float

#143
Sit down, sit down, sit down sit down, sit down

#144
You're rockin' the boat!

#145
Yes!

#146
Yes!

#147
Yes! Yes!

#148
I feel like I've been waiting for this my entire life.

#149
Good. We're glad you had fun.

#150
Yes, yeah. I'm ready to go again.

#151
Well, you've already gone twice. We're sort of

#152
- taking turns... - We're gonna go from the top.

#153
Five, six, seven, eight...

#154
These winter coats were a good idea, it is chilly.

#155
Yeah. Come in handy. They're cranking the air conditioning.

#157
Whoa, look at this place.

#159
Oh. Dude.

#160
I thought you said they didn't have alcohol.

#161
- Look, they got screwdrivers. - Oh, no, Charlie.

#162
That's just orange juice.

#164
Yeah. Yeah, people drink it.

#165
- People drink it. Yeah. - That's crazy to me.

#166
When was the last time you drank straight mixer?

#167
Oh, I had a diet cola mixer a while ago.

#168
Oh, did you? Was it any good?

#169
- Yeah, oh, yeah. - Whoa.

#170
- What? - Dude.

#171
You drinking a beer right now?

#172
What? Get out of town.

#173
You can lie, but that burp told me the whole story.

#174
You holding? What you got?

#175
- You smell the beer? - You holding beer?

#176
Come on, man.

#178
- You can't have alcohol on the ship. - Oh, this, uh, this is an empty.

#179
That was an empty can.

#180
- A pelican dropped it and we... - Yeah, we picked it up.

#181
- Yeah, it was, like... - Do you have any more on you, sir?

#182
- No, not a bit. - Yeah.

#183
- What's going on here? - Uh, uh, Captain.

#184
Do you have any more alcohol on you?

#185
Uh, not a bit.

#186
- If you'll excuse me. - Yup.

#187
Whoa!

#188
What the hell is that, Frank?

#189
Well, I don't want to run back and forth

#190
to the cabin all the time, it's so far away.

#191
- Son of a bitch! - And you, you have any beer on you?

#192
Aw!

#193
Charlie, you lied to me.

#194
Uh, well, you lied first, man!

#195
Is that the rest of it? Yeah, that's all of it.

#196
We have to confiscate all these beers from you.

#197
Yeah, yeah, yeah, got it.

#198
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no.

#199
That's my seat, bitch.

#200
Excuse me.

#201
Sorry. Got a little worked up.

#202
Uh, not quite in vacation mode yet. Let me try again.

#203
Um, please get your shit off my seat.

#204
I don't see your magazine or towel on it,

#205
and I got here first,

#206
so I don't feel like it's really your seat.

#207
I'm sitting with you.

#208
Thought you were taking a vacation from us.

#209
Yeah, I was trying, but this is the only seat open,

#210
so can you try not to shit on me for, like, the next hour or so, please?

#211
- I'm trying to relax. - Dee, relax. I'm not gonna shit on you.

#212
Okay? Nobody's shitting on you.

#213
How's it going with the wrath thing? You staying away from that?

#214
Well, yeah, you know, I was trying,

#215
but there are certain "see you next Tuesdays"

#216
on this ship that are making it very difficult.

#217
Well, yeah, I feel you. I'm...

#218
I'm already struggling with the lust thing.

#219
See this, uh, flaxen-haired seductress

#220
across the pool over here?

#221
Dennis, she looks like she's 12 years old.

#222
No, she's of age. I checked.

#224
flaunting it for me, and she knows how easy

#225
it would be for me to have her, too, because of the implication.

#226
Not that you would understand. It's not what you think it is.

#227
No, I think I get it. We're out in the middle of the ocean.

#228
She's stuck on a boat. She couldn't possibly say no,

#229
'cause something might go wrong for her if she did.

#230
That's... That's exactly what it is.

#231
How did you get that so fast?

#232
It's like when I'm alone with a guy,

#233
and we're messing around, and he gets all skittish about banging.

#234
So then I insinuate that it would be a shame

#235
if my account of what happened was different from his

#236
and then he ended up getting a call from the sheriff.

#237
You know what I mean?

#238
And then, boom. We plow.

#239
Okay. Yeah. No, I think I get it.

#240
- Yeah, right? Right, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

#241
Oh, my God!

#242
- Oh, a bird shit on me! - Oh.

#243
A bird shit in my mouth! A bird shit inside of my mouth!

#244
I'm literally getting shit on.

#245
I'm literally getting shit on!

#246
- Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! - Whoa!

#247
Oh, yeah! Hey.

#248
- Hey, fellowship was fun. - Yeah, see?

#249
It doesn't have to be all dour and penitent to praise God.

#250
- Is it my turn? - Absolutely.

#251
- Step up. - Okay.

#252
Ahhh! No!

#253
- I failed! - It's okay.

#254
- I failed. I failed you. - Nah.

#255
I failed God.

#256
- All right, get me good. - Whoa. Hello.

#257
- What is... - I brought my cat-o'-nine-tails.

#258
You know, so, flagellate me. Three-three lashes for missing.

#259
Why would you want me to do that?

#260
So I could be a better boy.

#261
Mac, it isn't a sin to miss, okay? That's...

#262
We don't punish ourselves for that.

#263
You don't punish yourselves?

#264
Then how do you become closer to God?

#265
By just appreciating the game and the wonderful day.

#266
Well, sure, yeah, it's a wonderful day now,

#267
but look at that storm coming.

#268
That's impending doom right there.

#269
He probably sent that storm because I keep failing him.

#270
Look, just relax, try it again,

#271
and this time, hey, no guilt.

#272
No guilt?

#273
Okay.

#274
Oh, my. Yes!

#275
- I did it! I did it! - All right.

#276
In your face! I beat your asses.

#277
Whoa. Gay. Gay.

#278
Gay, gay, gay, gay.

#279
What are you doing? Why are you two kissing?

#280
Uh, because he's my husband, and we love each other.

#281
What's going on? What about God? You heard him.

#282
He clapped and said, "No! Boom!"

#283
You think thunder is God clapping?

#284
Oh, no.

#285
Oh, no.

#286
You think there's gonna be anybody here with talent?

#287
I mean, this is a Christian cruise.

#288
This is gonna be boring as shit.

#289
I'm anticipating a boring show.

#290
Oh, there she is.

#291
- Sitting by me again, huh? - Shut up.

#292
I need something to wash the bird shit taste out of my mouth.

#293
- Oh, yeah. - I saw you guys. Where are the beers?

#294
In the captain's stomach.

#295
Yeah, it's, uh...

#296
We kind of got, like, you know, caught with them.

#297
All of them?

#298
- Yup. - Pretty much, yeah.

#299
I knew you couldn't stop from being gluttonous.

#300
Oh, you guys. Uh, all right, fine... It was a mistake, man.

#301
Give me the mouthwash. I need the mouthwash then.

#302
- That's gone, too. Charlie drank it. - I kind of drank all of it.

#303
- He needed to calm down. - You serious?

#304
Goddamn it!

#305
Whoa. See. Oh! See, I don't like the storm, man.

#306
The storm's starting to freak me out. You know what I mean?

#307
- Yeah, WTF? - Yes, yes, the storm is intensifying.

#308
And yet I remain calm in spite of the fact

#309
that this one here is dressed like this.

#310
- Uh... - That's just crazy.

#311
- This girl in the sweater? - He's been doing it all day.

#312
You think that's... Can you just... Can you just drop it?

#313
Well, I would if she wouldn't always be sitting in my eyeline.

#314
Then again, that is what she does.

#315
She wants me looking at her at all times.

#316
She's driving me nuts, I'll tell you.

#317
Maybe I'll send her a drink or something.

#318
A virgin daiquiri for the virgin?

#319
Guys, guys,

#320
guys, guys, guys, guys, I've got news, I've got terrible news.

#321
Oh, see this is exactly what I wanted a vacation from.

#322
There are two guys in this church...

#323
- Yeah. - ...that are gay.

#324
Who's the other guy?

#325
I don't get the joke.

#326
What's wrong with that? So what?

#327
Well, guys, being gay is not Christian.

#328
Oh!

#329
Oh, see? That's... That's freaking me out.

#330
That's the big man! That's the big man.

#331
I don't know what it is, but I don't like it.

#332
Let's go find our beer, man.

#333
We're gonna go snoop around, see if we can find our beer.

#334
Recover that beer and bring some back.

#335
- Yeah. Don't take 'em all. - And why is...

#336
Ladies and gents, it's talent show time.

#337
Please welcome Marlene, the magician.

#338
That's the bitch who stole my chair!

#339
Magic? The dark arts? Are you guys serious?

#340
First the queers. Then sorcery?

#341
- This cruise is going straight to hell. - Okay.

#342
- I'm out of here! - All right. See ya.

#343
Peace be with you.

#344
- We're not saying that other bit. - No.

#345
For my first trick tonight, I'm going to need a volunteer.

#346
Hmm. Hey, you, bird girl.

#347
- Come on up. - Can you believe this bitch?

#348
Go. Go up.

#349
- I don't... - Bird girl.

#350
Yes, we call her bird. We also call her a bird.

#351
Oh, baby. See? These costumes are a great idea, Frank.

#352
So we can go anywhere we want on the ship now.

#353
- Anywhere we want. - And nobody's gonna know.

#354
That's not exactly the first mate's costume I had in mind.

#355
- Hey, man, you said "first mate." - That's gonna do.

#356
I was, like, Gilligan. That's the only guy I know.

#357
Yeah, no. It's good. It's good.

#358
All right, so what do you think? We find the captain's quarters,

#359
- kick down the door, find our beer. - Oh, no.

#360
- Strangle the guy or something. - Oh, no, no.

#361
That beer? That beer is long gone.

#362
- No, we don't want to do that. - Drank it, huh?

#363
Oh, the party is right down here.

#364
- And right down here below deck. - This is the party?

#365
- That's right. This is it. - I don't hear anything.

#366
All I see is a bunch of pipes.

#367
- How is this a party? - The pipes are the party.

#368
The pipes are the party? What are you talking about?

#369
Well, all the booze we're ever gonna need is running through these pipes.

#370
So, what? Wait, wait. We're just gonna drink straight boat fuel?

#371
No. We're gonna cut it.

#372
With what?

#373
Mixers.

#374
- Hmm? - Mmm.

#375
Oh, good. Yeah, you got one of those.

#376
Lord, hear my prayer!

#377
The only reason I went to this church in the first place

#378
was to become closer to you!

#379
Well, that and the other church was getting super Vietnamese.

#380
I just need to know my purpose!

#381
I-I used to think it was worship

#382
and then song and dance!

#383
I got to be honest, I've really taken to it,

#384
and I think musicals are gonna become

#385
a huge part of my life moving forward!

#386
But now with these gay Christians,

#387
I don't know!

#388
I need you to show me a sign

#389
to tell me my purpose here!

#390
Maybe some lightning!

#391
Maybe some thunder?

#392
No?

#393
Should I have stuck with the Vietnamese?

#394
Is this your card?

#395
Can I... Can I have the deck, please?

#396
I-I got a trick that'll blow you guys out of the water.

#397
Wait, I'm confused. Is that a challenge

#398
or a terrorist threat to the ship?

#399
Give me the goddamn deck.

#400
By all means.

#401
Pick a card, any card.

#402
Hmm...

#403
Now take a good look at that card, please.

#404
You might want to bring it a little bit closer,

#405
just so you can see it well. A little bit closer. Great.

#406
Now, tell me, what suit is your card?

#407
- Spades. - Spades. Ooh. All right.

#408
Now watch while I turn

#409
- these spades into stars. - Oh!

#410
Oh, shit!

#411
Who's getting shit on now, bitch?

#412
What is wrong with you?

#413
You knocked out my tooth!

#414
Did I? That wasn't the plan.

#415
I didn't mean to... I-I'm sorry.

#416
I didn't mean to do that.

#417
Get off the stage, bird girl!

#418
She stole my chair at the pool, and I got so hot about it.

#419
Hey, hey. What? No, no, no, no, no!

#420
Yeah!

#421
What? No. Aw, no, come on!

#422
Well, what is this, boat jail?

#423
I'm not a goddamn Somali pirate, okay?

#424
No, wait, wait! Ah...

#425
Goddamn it.

#426
...thunderstorms, capable of producing gale-force winds...

#427
The storm's worsening, Captain. What should we do?

#428
Fire the torpedoes!

#429
- What? - Full steam ahead!

#430
- Christ, not you again! - Frank, I think I found

#431
- where he's hiding the beer! - What do you got, Charlie?

#432
- No, no, it's just, like, wires and stuff. - Oh, yeah?

#433
Put these men in the brig.

#434
- Charlie. Ah, get your hands off... - Wait, wait.

#435
I'll dispose of those.

#436
- Oh, yeah, yeah, I know where... - No, no, don't let him drink that!

#437
Don't let him drink our torpedo juice!

#438
Dee?

#439
What'd you get thrown in for?

#440
I couldn't control my wrath. You?

#441
- Gluttony. - Yeah.

#442
Been drinking boat fuel and shit.

#443
- Oh, sure. Sure. - Yeah.

#444
Oh, hello.

#445
Wow. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to scare you there.

#446
Anyway, I, um... I should have introduced myself earlier.

#447
I'm the daiquiri man,

#448
but I suspect you already knew that, didn't you?

#449
Was it good? Was it sweet?

#450
I guess.

#451
Well, it either was or it wasn't.

#452
Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

#453
- Yeah. No, I had one, too. - It was... It was sweet.

#454
You seem sweet.

#455
I've been watching you

#456
and following you, of sorts.

#457
You know, in a good way.

#458
So how'd you like that magic show?

#459
Do you enjoy magic?

#460
You know, I-I can do magic. Whoop.

#461
- Uh, how did you get that? - Get your license?

#462
Don't worry about it.

#463
1996, though. That's good. That makes the cutoff.

#464
There you go. I wasn't gonna steal it.

#465
Um...

#466
So, how about this storm, huh?

#467
I think it's kind of cool, you know?

#468
Here we are on a boat, you know, out in the middle of...

#469
Out in the middle of nowhere, and nobody would ever hear

#470
our screams in this wind, you know.

#471
Oh.

#472
The thunder's really... It's throwing this whole thing off.

#473
It's making everything I say seem sinister,

#474
which it's not intended to be, you know what I mean?

#475
- What's up? - I-I'm sorry. I have to go.

#476
No, no, no, no, no. No. Sorry, no.

#477
It's... There's nowhere to go.

#478
There's really nowhere to go.

#479
You know? So why don't I, uh, come in your room?

#480
"Come in your room." That's not what I meant.

#481
I would like to go in your room.

#482
Um, and I suspect that maybe you might say no, and yet...

#483
I also feel like maybe

#484
you wouldn't dare.

#485
Well, that's not supposed to happen.

#486
Guys, come on, come on! It was a misunderstanding!

#487
The storm made it seem way worse than it is.

#488
She was never in any danger.

#489
Lust?

#490
Yeah.

#491
Oh, my God, Mac. You're soaking wet. Are you okay?

#492
Yeah. I was out in the rain looking for a sign from God.

#493
I never got the timing right,

#494
but doesn't matter.

#495
The point is, I thought I was here

#496
for you guys to open my mind.

#497
But now I realized I'm here to close yours!

#498
I'm sorry, what?

#499
Guys, I'm here to convert you.

#500
From being gay.

#501
- You want to convert us? - Yeah!

#502
You realize how insulting that is?

#503
How would you like it if I tried to convert you?

#504
Uh... I wouldn't care. 'Cause that's, like, impossible.

#505
There's no way you guys could convert me to your lifestyle.

#506
Let's give it a shot.

#507
Well, I'm gay.

#508
- Yeah. - No shit.

#509
Oh, you guys knew this already?

#510
- That you were gay? - From the day we met.

#511
- I've been trying... - Yeah, always.

#512
- Whoa, really? - But what's going on?

#513
Did you just get tossed in here? Or, like, why are you in here?

#514
Oh, no, I just walked in on my own.

#515
What? You let the door close behind you?

#516
I couldn't find you guys. I wanted to hang out.

#517
I had something important to tell you.

#518
- What is it? - There is no God.

#519
- Well, what? - What is happening right now?

#520
Where are you getting this from?

#521
I was like... Okay.

#522
If there was a God, there's no way that he would make me queer, right?

#523
I can't, I can't listen to this anymore. I got to get out of here.

#524
I can't be around you.

#525
I've got to get out of here!

#526
Got to get out of here!

#527
What are you squawking about?

#528
Let me out of here!

#529
Honestly, what's the point anyway? There's no meaning to any of it.

#530
There's no God, there's no heaven,

#531
- there's no hell. - Wrong!

#532
Oh, I just wanted a couple of days.

#533
Just a couple of days away from you guys.

#534
But I can't escape you!

#535
You know where hell is, Mac?

#536
You know where hell is? It's right here.

#537
It's right now.

#538
We are in hell!

#539
Oh, Jesus.

#540
What the shit was that?

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