Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E10 — The Gang Goes to Hell (2)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 10 — The Gang Goes to Hell (2)

#1
All right, so there we were. We're in the brig

#2
and the whole ship just, you know, bumps.

#3
- We get thrown against the wall. - Yeah.

#5
- The sirens are blaring. - Whoa.

#6
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#7
How did we get in the brig in the first place?

#9
I'm very cloudy about the beginning.

#11
- Recap? - A recap would be good, you know?

#12
Just to brush up on everything that happened.

#13
- A recap... - Now, see, I forgot that.

#14
...honestly might be good because

#15
we want him to be completely clear before the final judgment.

#16
- All right, you know... - Right, yeah.

#17
...the amount of energy we're using talking

#19
we may as well just recap, so fine.

#20
There we were. We're on a Christian cruise.

#21
We were all thrown in the brig for various sins that we committed.

#24
asking for forgiveness.

#25
My thing, not a rape.

#26
Move on, you're losing him.

#27
- Move on, you're losing him. - I just want to be clear.

#28
- Okay, yeah. - I just wanted to be clear.

#29
What the hell is that? What're those sirens for?

#30
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

#31
I knew I shouldn't have come on this cruise.

#32
I knew it! I mean, it used to be I would never even leave Philly!

#33
And then, you know, you guys drag me into this,

#34
you drag me into that, and next thing I know,

#37
How do you know it's not...

#38
Well... Oh.

#39
There you go. It stopped.

#40
All right, uh, I guess that's good.

#41
Like, if something went wrong,

#42
they come down here, they'd get us, right?

#43
You know what, guys, what difference does it make?

#44
You know?

#45
Life is just a series of events

#46
with no meaning or plan, you know?

#47
It's like, we live, we die,

#48
we're gay, we're straight, we're tops, we're bottoms.

#49
Wait, wait. Calm down, everybody.

#51
Well, you sure? Like, I don't think we're moving.

#52
We're moving. I can hear the engine buzzing like crazy.

#53
No, I think Charlie's right.

#54
I don't think that we're moving, and besides,

#55
the buzzing would be, like, an electrical system.

#56
You know? The engine sounds more like...

#58
It's got like a big, deep sound, it's like a...

#59
Yeah, if you're starting the engine, but, like,

#61
Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah...

#62
No, you guys are all wrong.

#63
No, boats are mostly computerized these days,

#64
so the engine barely makes any noise at all.

#65
I mean, they make a fake noise

#66
to make people feel better, but it's like...

#67
But it's fake, it's not real, you know?

#68
It's kind of like how I carry a little piece of onion

#69
around with me to elicit tears, you know,

#70
in case someone needs me to feel something

#71
about what they said or are doing, you know what I mean?

#72
Do you have an onion in your pocket right now?

#73
No, I'm taking a vacation from myself.

#74
Was it a vacation from hearing, okay?

#75
'Cause if the engine was going, we would hear a gah, gah, gah,

#76
- gah, gah, gah, gah... - Are you deaf, Charlie?

#77
I was like...

#78
- All right, okay! - I mean, that's ridiculous!

#79
All right, all right!

#80
Goddamn! Okay, look.

#81
Let's just... Let's all agree

#82
that it doesn't sound like a speedboat

#83
or something that's off-roading, all right?

#84
It does make a little bit of a buzz. Yeah?

#85
But most modern ships these days, their engines,

#86
they don't make a lot of noise,

#87
but they do make a little bit of noise.

#88
Can we all just agree on this?

#89
- Yeah. - Fine, I can live with that.

#90
- Fine, I can live with it. - Fine.

#92
How long have we been talking about this?

#93
Four hours, six minutes.

#94
Well, there's some pros and some cons, guys.

#95
We've cut our conflict resolution time in half.

#96
Four hours, that's good for us.

#97
- That's huge. - Good work.

#98
Charlie's right, the ship is probably not moving

#99
because we definitely would've been in the Bahamas by now.

#100
What?

#101
- Yep. - Oh.

#102
Well, that's not good, right?

#103
No. It's not good.

#104
I mean, four hours?

#105
- Well... - The boat not moving!

#106
No one comes down to say anything like,

#108
No, they've forgotten about us!

#109
And we're gonna die in here! Oh, my God, I'm freaking out.

#110
- We got to get out of here. Help! - Whoa, Charlie.

#111
- Calm down, Charlie. - Help!

#112
- Help us! - Charlie!

#113
- You got to help! - Hey! Hey!

#114
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

#115
Mmm, yep, yep, yep. Mmm.

#116
- Wow. - Yeah?

#117
- Yep. - Oi, oi, oi.

#118
What was that, dude? You sound like a soccer hooligan.

#119
Yeah, that's just something I've been doing

#120
with Charlie lately when he gets a little wound up.

#121
You know, it seems to work.

#122
- Say yup, yup, yup. - That's good.

#123
The most important thing for us to do now

#124
is to keep our wits together.

#126
Why don't we play a few games?

#127
No! I just wanted to get away from you guys, just for a few days.

#128
Now we're stuck in a box,

#129
and you're gonna play some games now?

#131
- What? - What the hell do you mean you're out?

#132
- I'm out. Nobody talk to me. - No, Dee.

#133
That's not a very good idea.

#134
You know, when my dad was in solitary confinement,

#135
I used to write to him every day to see how it was.

#136
He never wrote back, but if he did, he would've said,

#137
"Son, you've got to keep your mind active.

#138
Also, I love you."

#139
Are you sure he wouldn't say,

#140
"Remind me who you are again"?

#141
Ho!

#142
That was great! That was Luther!

#143
- My dad knows who I am. - Yeah.

#144
Hey, do the voice again, but this time say,

#145
- "I love you, son." - Nah.

#146
- Oh. - But, no,

#148
like any kind of impressions you got, like any kind of...

#149
You want to hear me do a couple of impressions?

#150
That'd be fun. Yeah, okay, so let's see.

#151
All right, so let me know which ones you want to hear.

#152
I'm sorry, Dee, I thought you were sitting out.

#153
I was out, but then these guys wanted to hear

#154
some impressions, and since I'm always wanting to be of service,

#155
- here I am. - They don't want to hear your impressions.

#156
- They want to hear my impressions. - No.

#157
Your impressions are terrible.

#158
Are you out of your mind? No.

#159
My impressions are fantastic.

#161
Do Obama.

#162
Obama? Well, I can't do that.

#163
- Why not? - Why can't you do Obama?

#164
'Cause he's a black man and I'm a white woman.

#165
Can you give me a white woman?

#166
You think I can't do a black woman? I mean...

#167
- No. - I... okay, give me... Name one.

#168
C.C.H. Pounder.

#169
- Who's that? - C.C.H. Poun...

#170
The actress from The Shield.

#171
Love that show. Okay. No, I can do that.

#172
Let's see.

#173
God damn it, Dutch!

#174
What other errands do you have us running for the D.A.?

#175
- Wow! - Holy shit!

#176
That was great!

#177
That was spot-on!

#178
- Thanks, man. - "Spot-on"?

#179
You don't even know who she is, Frank.

#180
I just assumed she's a no-nonsense black broad from the precinct.

#181
That's exactly who she is.

#182
Fine, fine. I'll do Obama, okay?

#183
Okay, what do you got?

#186
- Oh! - Oh!

#187
- Oh, my God, Dee. - That is bad!

#188
What are you doing?

#189
That was so racist.

#190
- Are you kidding me? - Very racist!

#191
Deandra, he is the president of the United States.

#192
- That's our president. - Well, hold on a second.

#193
Why was that racist, but what he did was fine?

#195
Uh... okay, well, you know, I... I'm just warming up.

#196
Let me... Let me try again. Um...

#197
Hey, yo, where my senators at, dawg?

#198
Oh!

#199
Oi, oi, oi, oi! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

#201
I'm gonna have lots of these types of functions

#202
in the future, you know, with my new lifestyle.

#203
Wow, you're really just diving right into that, huh?

#204
Just, stereotypes and all.

#205
- We are gonna have an imaginary meal. - Mmm.

#206
I read about this. Yes.

#208
- That's true. - Okay.

#209
Can I have a broad with me with big tits?

#210
No, because that's gonna force us

#211
to imagine things that we don't want to imagine.

#212
- Good point. - So get rid of my dog?

#213
Yeah, no dogs.

#214
Go! Go! Hey, get out of here!

#215
- Don't kick it. - Get!

#217
Our house? Why's it our house?

#219
Let me set the scene: the food.

#220
- The menu. - Ooh, yeah, start with the...

#222
Paint a nice picture for us. I'm starving.

#223
You're gonna start with a big hunk of chicken.

#224
You know, boiled and skinless, or whatever.

#225
Huh. Okay.

#226
And then, um, you're gonna want brown with the white, right?

#227
So, like, maybe, like, um, some, like, brown rice.

#228
No... No butter or... Or seasoning or...

#229
- Really? - I want mashed potatoes.

#230
No, no mashed potatoes, that's just empty carbs.

#231
Why can't we just imagine whatever we want?

#232
Because this is my dinner party.

#233
- Well, then take us there! - Yeah!

#234
All right! Everybody's got something to drink.

#235
- Is it a milkshake? - No!

#236
No, not milkshakes. Gatorade.

#238
"Blue" is not a flavor.

#239
How am I gonna taste blue?

#240
Well, just imagine what blue tastes like.

#241
It just tastes like blue.

#242
- Let's just dig in. - Yeah, can we eat?

#244
All right.

#245
Mine's kind of tough. Did you overcook this?

#246
No, I didn't cook it at all.

#247
You...

#248
Spit it out! It's raw! You're gonna get sick!

#250
What are you guys doing? You don't need to spit it out.

#251
For the love of God. Just imagine that it tastes good, okay?

#252
Look at Dennis, see?

#253
Oh, I'm not... I'm not imagining your meal.

#255
Braised with lardons and mushrooms.

#256
- I want that! - Yeah.

#257
Well, then have it... It's right in front of you.

#259
Ah, come here, baby.

#260
Oh, hey!

#261
She got her foot in my raw chicken!

#262
- Get your hooker's foot out of my chicken! - No, no, no, no.

#263
- No dates, no coq au vin, no hookers. - Get it out of my chicken!

#264
- Stop ruining this! - I'm not ruining it.

#266
Oh, this? It's the sound of my blender cranking milkshakes.

#268
- I'll take a milkshake. - I'll have one... Sounds good.

#269
- I'll take one. - That is not what blenders sound like.

#271
- Hey! - What are you doing?

#272
I'm flipping the table! Smash! Crash!

#273
Now I'm breaking a plate! Boom! Smash!

#274
What the hell, dude?

#275
- Oh, that was uncalled for. - That's nice.

#276
Nothing is working, all right?

#277
You know what, I want you guys to just...

#278
Everybody just be quiet.

#279
Why don't we just try not talking for a while?

#280
- I'm fine with that. - Yeah.

#282
- Shh! - Of course.

#283
Yeah.

#285
Okay.

#286
Okay.

#287
Ha!

#288
Well, that was lame.

#289
- So stupid. - So stu...

#290
I hated that show, Stomp.

#291
- Ugh, I hate rhythm. - Hang on. Hang on.

#292
Dee, what was that?

#293
I thought we were all doing, like, a Stomp thing or something.

#294
That bench, you opened that bench.

#295
- What's inside there? - Oh.

#296
- That opens? - Yes.

#297
- Maybe there's food in there. - Is there food in there?

#298
Uh, no, just... Just this water gun.

#299
That's not a water gun, man, that's a flare gun,

#300
which I'll hold onto for safekeeping.

#301
Uh... Why?

#302
Well, because I'm the most responsible person.

#303
Uh, guys, I don't think any of us should have a gun.

#304
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#305
Well, one of us does, so... the end.

#306
Charlie, let me have the gun.

#307
Back up, Frank. Don't come close to me.

#308
- Charlie, calm down. - "Calm down, Charlie"?

#309
We're trapped on a sinking ship, okay?

#310
We're gonna die in here.

#311
I don't know what you guys are capable of.

#312
I will hold the gun, thank you very much.

#313
Wait a second, Charlie, the boat's not sinking, okay?

#314
- It's just stopped. - It's okay.

#315
Everything's gonna be all right as long as everybody remains calm.

#316
What the hell is that?

#317
Oh, my God!

#318
What's going on? What was that?

#319
Oh, this is bad. This is really bad.

#320
All right. Let's think.

#321
If the room's on its side,

#322
does that mean the boat's on its side?

#323
Yeah, that's what it means! What are you talking about?

#324
I don't know how boats this big work. All right.

#325
- Help us! - This is bad!

#326
This is very bad!

#327
We got to get up there and try that door again.

#328
Maybe that lodged something loose.

#329
Get up there? How are we supposed to reach?

#330
Oh! What about a human pyramid?

#331
Yes. Yes, Mac, a human pyramid.

#332
All right, you and I will be the bottoms.

#333
Why? 'Cause I'm gay?

#334
No, not because you're gay, dumbass!

#335
Because we're the strongest.

#336
- God damn it. - All right, and, Frank, Charlie,

#337
you'll be on us.

#338
Dee, you'll be on the very top.

#339
- Okay. - I'll be a bottom now,

#340
but in real life, just to be clear, I'm gonna be a top.

#341
Okay, fine, when you're having gay sex, you can be on the top.

#342
But for now we're on the bottom.

#343
Damn it, the door is locked!

#344
We're done for! We're gonna die in here!

#345
- Frank, get yourself together! - We're gonna die in here!

#346
- Stop losing your shit! - All right, relax!

#347
- Nobody's dying! - That's right.

#348
Just listen to Charlie, he seems to have his head straight. Calm down.

#349
'Cause we're already dead.

#350
Come again?

#351
I figured it out.

#352
We're dead. We died.

#353
I don't know when it happened.

#354
It might have happened on the cruise ship.

#355
It might have happened on the drive to the cruise ship.

#356
You were going awful fast, Dennis.

#357
I don't know.

#358
Maybe it happened weeks ago in the bar,

#359
in some sort of colossal and awesome event, I would imagine,

#360
but we're dead, and we're in hell.

#361
We're just being toyed with here.

#362
Maybe we're not in hell yet.

#363
Maybe this is purgatory,

#364
and we're on our way to be judged.

#365
And soon, oh, boy.

#366
Soon, we'll really be in hell.

#367
Won't that be something.

#368
Charlie, calm down. It's gonna be fine, okay?

#369
We can't be freaking out every five minutes.

#370
Now, look, if we work together, everything's gonna be fine.

#371
We're gonna get out of here.

#372
Nah, we're already dead.

#373
I'll prove it.

#374
No!

#375
I think he's coming to.

#376
Oh, shit, that hurt.

#377
Easy.

#378
Well, I guess that means we're alive, huh?

#379
Yeah, guess we are, Charlie.

#380
Good, well, then maybe everything's gonna be okay.

#381
Pal, we're in deep shit here.

#382
- Oh, shit! - Take it easy.

#383
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Take it easy.

#384
It's not good. It's not good.

#385
- Oh. - As long as, um,

#386
we're not gonna get out of here...

#387
And it looks like that's sort of where this is headed...

#388
Is it okay if I just confess something,

#389
get it off my chest before we die?

#390
That's a good idea.

#391
We shouldn't die holding things in about ourselves.

#392
Go ahead, Dee.

#393
Mac owns a Cowboys jersey.

#394
I saw him wearing it in the back office.

#395
- What? - Uh... What?

#396
That's a secret, Dee! What are you...

#397
- Don't say it's Romo. - Of course it's Romo!

#398
- Who else would it be? - Oh, my God!

#399
I'm sorry.

#400
You don't think he deserves to be MVP?

#401
- You son of a bitch. - He's constantly overlooked!

#402
You are a traitor!

#403
- How many Super Bowls have the Birds won? - Oh, shut up!

#404
Go Birds!

#405
- Oi, oi, oi! - Okay, you know what?

#406
I've got something I want to confess.

#407
Charlie changes Frank's prescription on his glasses

#408
to keep Frank dependent on him.

#409
Whoa! Why the hell you blowin' up my spot, man?

#410
- What? - Uh, I'm sorry, Frank.

#411
All right, fine. Well, as long as we're "tattling,"

#412
uh, Dennis ripped up all the letters

#413
that your dad wrote from prison, so... you know.

#414
What? My dad has been writing? Dennis, is that true?

#415
Yeah, man, but you were just gonna be talking about it all the time,

#416
and then your dad was probably gonna come to our house

#417
and, like, try to kill us or eat our butts.

#418
You know? I'm trying to protect you, dude! And me.

#419
Does he still write?

#420
Well, no, pal, 'cause you never wrote him back.

#421
But, hey, if it makes you feel any better,

#422
I read all those letters,

#423
and he never once said that he loved you.

#424
He just mostly wanted you to send him

#425
pornographic magazines and put drugs in your butthole.

#426
I can't believe this. I...

#427
I could've had a relationship with my dad.

#428
But you ruined it.

#429
Normally, I would attack you, but... I... I don't have any fight left.

#430
Wow.

#431
Well, shit, man. I... I... I hurt ya.

#432
I can see that.

#433
And, uh... you know, it was... It was wrong of me.

#434
Oh, God, I'll tell you...

#435
I see how much pain you're in right now.

#436
It's just...

#437
...it's tearing me up inside.

#438
Jesus, Dennis, you're crying.

#439
Well, yeah.

#440
I mean, you've turned me into a blubbering fool here,

#441
because I've hurt...

#442
not just my friend...

#443
...but my brother.

#444
I've hurt my brother.

#445
- Onion! - Onion!

#446
- I just saw it! He's got an onion there! - Aw, I knew it!

#447
- He's got an onion! - You are such an asshole. I...

#448
Now I gotta tell you!

#449
I got a confession.

#450
- What is it, Frank? - I was at Chappaquiddick.

#451
The girl, Teddy Kennedy,

#452
the bridge, the car...

#453
I played a major role.

#454
Jesus, Frank, we're not doing confessions.

#455
We're doing tattling. Keep up.

#456
You know what? That's all right.

#457
Guys, let's stop fighting, okay?

#458
No more confessions, no more tattling on each other, all right?

#459
Look, guys, let's just try to enjoy

#460
these last moments we've got together.

#461
Okay? Or these last hours.

#462
Or, hell... it could even be days.

#463
God, we're gonna drown.

#464
I'm too young to drown!

#465
We should die thinking good thoughts.

#466
- Yeah. - For me,

#467
that's Romo connecting with Dez Bryant.

#468
- Oh, stop it! - You traitor!

#469
- You son of a bitch! - Shut your mouth!

#470
Guys, don't fight. Don't fight, come on.

#471
Oh, we're not good people, we can't even die peacefully.

#472
Yeah.

#473
Amazing grace

#474
How sweet the sauce...

#475
- Sauce? - That made...

#476
It's not "sauce."

#477
Look, you gotta get the words right,

#478
otherwise Jesus is gonna know we're trying to trick him.

#479
Jesus isn't gonna listen to us.

#480
He's just not, 'cause we're bad people.

#481
But if he's gonna listen to anybody, he might listen to Mac.

#482
Mac, you've been talking to him your whole life.

#483
- Mac... - He knows you!

#484
- He doesn't even know who I am. - Save us! Mac, save us.

#485
- Guys, guys... there is no God. - Oi!

#486
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

#487
Okay, okay, okay. One last shot.

#488
Uh, dear Heavenly Father...

#489
Yeah.

#490
...if you do exist, and you are listening,

#491
if you could find it in your heart

#492
to send us a miracle...

#493
- Just send us one miracle, please. - One miracle.

#494
Our goose is cooked!

#495
I'm going down.

#496
Highway to hell, baby!

#497
Sis... I love you.

#498
Whatever.

#499
What? Whatever?

#500
Whatever?

#501
Unbelievable!

#502
Ah, whatever.

#503
I can't believe nobody came to save us.

#504
Should we do this?

#505
Let's go be with the gang.

#506
All right.

#507
And then, uh, you know, and then we all got pulled up.

#508
I mean, it was a miracle. It was an actual miracle.

#509
Yeah. Hey, I'm sorry, can I stop...

#510
Can you just move that light a little bit?

#511
- It's blasting me right in my face. - It's been blasting us this whole time.

#512
- Can you move the light, please? - Just a little bit?

#513
- Sorry about that. - Oh, wow!

#514
So much better.

#515
Should've said something earlier.

#516
Well, harrowing stuff, but I think I got everything I need.

#517
Could you mark down in your report

#518
- that I'm not gay? Because I'm not. - What?

#519
- What do you mean, you're not gay? - Since when?

#520
- He's gay. - Oh, well, because

#521
God answered my prayers and saved us.

#522
That means that there is, of course, a God,

#523
and if there is a God, then in his infinite wisdom,

#524
there's no way he would have made me queer.

#525
Oh. I'm straight.

#526
- All righty. - Look, look...

#527
are we gonna get in trouble because of this accident?

#528
Uh, nope, you're good to go.

#529
I just needed your report for my insurance claim.

#530
Insurance claim? You're not a cop?

#531
Cop? No, I'm an insurance adjustor.

#532
I'm just collecting reports of people's experiences

#533
- for insurance purposes. - Oh.

#534
I'm so relieved.

#535
So, are we gonna get a payout?

#536
Well, you might have, had you not just admitted to breaking...

#537
several laws.

#538
- What? - Right, well... hang on, though.

#539
I mean, we got trapped in a room

#540
by a drunk captain who sunk the ship.

#541
- We almost died, man. - Yeah, man.

#542
No, it wasn't the captain's fault. He was sober.

#543
Well, what happened? Whose fault was it?

#544
Nobody's fault.

#545
The ship just hit a massive wave during the storm.

#546
In the insurance biz, that is what we call

#547
"an act of God."

#548
Well, God is great.

#549
Oh, blessed is he that loves the Lord

#550
Trust in Jesus and he'll restore

#551
Well, when you're low and hard to bear

#552
Jesus will answer prayer

#553
Oh, Jesus

#554
Jesus will answer prayer

#555
Oh, Jesus

#556
Jesus will answer prayer

#557
Well, I know he'll take away your burdens

#558
And he'll take away all your cares

#559
Oh, blessed be the name of Jesus Christ

#560
He hung up there on the cross and died

#561
Oh...

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