Home » It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005) » S11E04 — Dee Made a Smut Film

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005)

Season 11, Episode 4 — Dee Made a Smut Film

#1
DEE: Hey, guys. Here we go. I'm ordering it.

#2
MAC: Drop the bluff, Dee.

#3
No one believes you're in an actual movie.

#4
You guys are gonna feel hella stupid when you see me

#5
acting in a feature film. "Hella." Are we saying "hella" now?

#6
'Cause I like it. No, we're not saying "hella," okay?

#7
No. Nobody's saying "hella" anymore.

#10
Can we watch, like, a superhero movie or something?

#11
This is such a waste of our...

#13
It's beautiful.

#15
He's, like, this foreign art house director.

#16
Oh. Ooh... Foreign director. Very impressive.

#17
Okay, you guys, be quiet. This is my scene.

#18
Pretty early for a whiskey.

#19
Or pretty late.

#20
Why don't you make it a double.

#21
Oh, yeah? A little hair of the dog that bit you?

#22
(chuckles) MAC: Yeah, Dee,

#23
I got to hand it to you. Y-You've been talking

#24
about doing this for years, and... Is that Richard Grieco?

#25
Hi.

#26
Aw, Grieco. I love that guy. Where's he been?

#27
Richard Grieco is in an art house movie?

#29
But, you know, they-they always got to get some kind of a name

#30
in order to finance the mo... Oh, now he's being blown. DEE: Right.

#31
(gang exclaiming, laughing)

#32
Okay. Now-now this makes sense.

#33
So, Dee, you clearly made a porn. This is a porno!

#34
What? No? It's not a porn. You guys,

#36
This is... this is art.

#37
(woman grunting)

#38
(moans)

#39
Dee, what channel did you order this from?

#40
Cinemax.

#41
ALL: Cinemax?!

#42
Cinemax doesn't make art.

#43
You guys, Pedro is-is an edgy, foreign director.

#44
Where's he from?

#45
Puerto Rico. Oh!

#46
Puerto Rico? Puerto Rico? Puerto Rico!

#47
MAC: Oh, man...

#48
Dee, you made a Skinemax flick with a Puerto Rican pervert.

#49
Congratulations. Good thing you got us all together.

#50
Listen, hey, I did not make a smut film.

#51
GRIECO: Gobble that cock.

#52
(laughter)

#53
MAC: Now, why is Grieco resorting to Skinemax?

#55
Actually, it makes sense. I mean,

#56
erotic films are very, very in right now.

#58
I think he thought he was doing the next

#59
Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever.

#60
I mean, it's a... it's a fine line

#61
these days between art and smut.

#62
It really is. Art's a tricky thing.

#63
The whole art world is bullshit nowadays.

#64
I mean, like, anything can be considered art. I'll bet you

#65
Charlie's doodlings could be considered art by some people.

#66
Well, that's 'cause my drawings are art.

#67
You're not an artist, dude. You're drawing with chalk.

#68
No, I'm drawing with marker and, like, pen and stuff.

#69
I'm just eating the chalk.

#70
Charlie, don't eat chalk.

#71
Well, it settles my stomach.

#72
My stomach's a little...

#73
If your stomach hurts, eat a Tums.

#74
What's the difference? One is chalk!

#75
Well, I don't like wasting Tums.

#76
Tums is very good to draw with.

#77
This maniac is an artist?

#78
I'll bet you if I hung one

#80
people would not know the difference.

#81
Mm. No. No, I disagree.

#82
No, art has to come from a more meaningful place.

#83
It can't just be silly nonsense.

#84
I mean, take my erotic memoirs,

#85
for example. (chuckles)

#86
Now, that was art. That was smut.

#87
No, dude, what I do is art. And you know what else?

#89
I mean, guys, I'd be a fool not to ride this erotic tidal wave

#91
do the next Fifty Shades of Grey, my style, you know?

#92
My film would be real, it would be tasteful,

#93
it would be... it would be subtle.

#94
It wouldn't be some goddamn Puerto Rican smut.

#95
I'm down to try this, like, art gallery idea of yours.

#96
What do you think Grieco would do?

#97
He wouldn't eat chalk.

#99
to dress like Richard Grieco.

#100
Well, because he's a cool bro and I'm a cool bro.

#101
I just want to do a Grieco thing. I'm vibing with it.

#102
I'm vibing with it, man. Stop saying that you're vibing and "bro."

#103
You know what, why don't you go mingle, and Frank and I

#104
will handle this. Thank you. All right, you do it.

#105
All right, Frank. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Leave him alone.

#106
Look, here's a spot. Here's a spot. What?

#107
Yeah. Just keep... keep an eye out.

#108
Okay.

#109
That's good. That's good. Mmm.

#110
(quietly:) Oh, yeah. Looks perfect.

#111
Oh, wow. I like this one. Oh.

#112
That's art. That's art. I like that piece. Yes, that's...

#113
MAC (whispering): She's going for it.

#114
She loves it.

#115
She loves it. She's going for it.

#116
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? Whoa. Hey, lady. Lady.

#118
Oh, that wasn't art. It was garbage.

#120
I mean, how-how is that art

#121
and this is trash? I mean, who's to say, really?

#122
Well, I'm to say. It's my gallery. (chuckles)

#124
how that is art

#125
and this is garbage.

#128
with meaning. For example, this artist

#129
worked for 30 years

#130
before finally finding his voice.

#131
He left his home when he was a boy

#132
to escape the Nazis, fled to Paris,

#133
and painted the poor children he saw in the streets.

#135
(man shouting in German) The ambiguity he uses to paint children

#138
It raises questions.

#139
Are we children? (children chattering)

#140
Are we animals?

#141
(all sounds overlapping) Are children animals?

#142
♪ ♪

#143
(overlapping sounds rewinding)

#144
MAC: If it's context

#145
you want... Context. Okay.

#146
Well, the artist that did this, his life is, like, total shit.

#147
I mean, like, way worse than this Nazi painter.

#149
Yeah, uh... What-what are you doing, man?

#150
What's up, bro? Hey, uh,

#151
this is Charlie. He's the, uh... he's the artist.

#152
C-Could you tell the lady how your... Don't do that.

#154
so that she... It's not sw... Oh, my life's pretty sweet, bro.

#155
Hang out at a bar all day with my bros.

#156
You know? Go on lots of adventures. I'm really kind of

#158
He's an illiterate janitor whose mother tried to abort him in...

#159
Frank, Frank, tell her, please. Huh?

#160
What is it?

#161
What-what is it?

#162
It's-it's what we discussed. It's what we've been discussing. Oh.

#163
Tell her that Charlie's life is a piece of shit. Please.

#164
Thank you. I've got one of those hella sweet lives...

#166
he doesn't normally say "hella."

#167
I don't know where he picked this up.

#168
I'm sorry. I'm just not interested. Okay,

#169
well, wait, wait, we just need to take one... I'm not interested, either.

#170
I go for more of the Pam Anderson type,

#171
you know what I mean? Oh, my God. Okay, look...

#172
I'm not interested. Goddamn it. Why did I even bring you two?

#173
"A man enters.

#174
"The room wouldn't be the only thing he'd enter that day.

#175
His name was Dennis."

#176
I'm-I'm sorry-- what is happening?

#177
"Silence." Okay.

#178
"He said. 'A woman's mouth

#179
"'is not for the exiting of words

#180
"but for the entrance of a man's... dick.'

#181
"And then he did put it in there.

#182
In her mouth, I mean."

#183
Okay.

#184
And then they-they have sex all over the library.

#185
Okay, I, uh,

#186
I-I'm sorry, I don't know what's happening here.

#187
You must think I'm somebody else.

#188
Look, look. Sure, I could leave here right now,

#189
I could take this to Frank and he would finance it.

#190
But he's gross, you know?

#191
He's basically, like, the Cinemax of humans.

#192
Okay, I think I'm catching up here. So you want to make a film

#193
based on the pornographic book you're reading from.

#194
Look... this is my Fifty Shades of Grey, lady.

#195
All right? Was the guy who wrote that gross?

#196
It was written by a woman.

#197
Na... You... no, I know.

#198
That it was written by a woman.

#199
Everybody knows that.

#200
Yeah, but that's why you needed to let me get to the...

#201
This was also written by a woman. Yeah.

#202
Writ-Written and to be directed by...

#203
my sister.

#204
What do you think?

#205
(doorbell rings)

#206
Hey, Dee. (door closes)

#207
Dee, you're not doing anything that matters, right?

#208
You know, I think I'm finally figuring out

#210
a pretty prime-time acting reel here.

#211
I doubt it. Don't show it to me. I don't...

#212
♪ ♪

#213
Pretty early for a whiskey.

#214
A little hair of the dog that bit you?

#215
Using a multi-tiered distribu...

#216
Multi-level marketi...

#217
The Invigaron system.

#218
♪ ♪

#219
Brains.

#220
♪ ♪

#221
It i...

#222
it's missing something, isn't it?

#223
Nah, it's great.

#224
Uh, Dee, you know what I think

#225
the real problem, though,

#226
with the acting business is? Uh-huh?

#227
Every actor these days is a multi-hyphenate.

#228
They're doing everything-- they're writing,

#229
they're directing, you know.

#230
Mm. So here's a thought I just had.

#231
How would you like to, um,

#232
direct my erotic memoirs?

#233
I've always wanted to direct.

#234
And you want me to do it?

#235
Yeah, yeah. Smart.

#236
Smart. You bring a female perspective in.

#237
Mm-hmm. It's a very interesting layer. I like that.

#238
Yeah, it's-it's a good layer. That's really smart of you.

#239
Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that for you.

#240
Okay, so, um... great.

#241
So you'll do that, and, um... Yeah, yeah.

#242
now we just need a star that we can attach on-on short notice.

#243
Don't worry, I got... I got an idea. I got a lot of ideas.

#244
All right, what about this one? You know,

#245
I had a dream about, um, you know, boiled eggs.

#246
So, I, uh... Okay. What do the... what do the eggs represent?

#247
Eggs, you know? Like, uh... from a chicken.

#248
Just eggs? No. Charlie, you're not getting it.

#249
I need you to draw something that's profound, you know?

#250
That comes from someplace deep.

#251
But is also childlike and stupid, to prove my point.

#252
Hey, bro, uh, maybe stop telling me what to do all the time,

#253
you know? 'Cause if you tell me what to do, then, like,

#254
you know, that's, like, I got, like, a lame,

#255
kind of square dude telling me

#256
what to do, you know? And that's

#257
not really where art comes from. Okay, you...

#258
And so I'm gonna draw eggs that represent eggs, bro.

#259
And it's gonna... it's gonna be hella cool, man.

#260
You're gonna like these eggs.

#261
Can I ask you a question? Do you... do you

#262
want to sell this art or not?

#263
Bro, is this about making money for you

#264
or is it about proving your point?

#265
Like, I don't even know what it is, man.

#266
It's becoming about both for me. I don't know

#267
what it's becoming for you.

#268
Come on, man.

#269
I'm ripping this up.

#270
I'm ripping this up. That's it.

#271
Bro, stop ripping up my art, man!

#272
Get in there! Okay.

#273
You stink! Ugh.

#274
I found him turning tricks in the scrap metal yard.

#275
Good news, Charlie. We're gonna use Cricket now.

#276
Oh. Use me how? Use what part of me?

#277
Relax. You are gonna be the face of Charlie's art.

#278
What? Why, man?

#279
Because he's got, like, the worst life imaginable,

#280
and that's clearly what those people want.

#281
That's true, I do have the worst life. (chuckles)

#282
You know what, Cricks, why don't you come over here,

#283
why don't you tell Charlie what to draw.

#284
Okay. Tell me wh... I don't want to draw his drawings.

#285
No, Charlie, this is gonna work, all right?

#286
Just jump on board, jump on board. Okay, go ahead.

#287
All right, bro... bro.

#288
Oh, all right, fine.

#289
Talk to me, brother.

#290
What's up?

#291
What is he doing?

#292
He's doing, like, a Grieco thing.

#293
Okay. Uh, all right.

#294
Well, what do you want to hear about?

#295
You want to hear about a... dog orgy

#296
or when a cat bit off my toe?

#297
Dog orgy, brother.

#298
CRICKET: Dog orgy. Okay.

#299
This is going great.

#300
Okay, now, Frank, I need you

#301
to go talk to that gallery owner. Convince her to come

#302
to Paddy's for an art opening that we're gonna have here.

#303
Oh. You know? Flash a little cash.

#304
Pretend you're, like, a high-society art type.

#305
Oh, I got this. I-I used to hang with an art crowd in the '70s.

#306
I know these people.

#307
O-Okay. All right. But-but... play it subtle, all right?

#308
Subtle. Yeah.

#309
Frank. Play it subtle.

#310
(whispers): Subtle.

#311
Hello! Hello?

#312
Ango Gablogian, the art collector.

#313
Charmed, I'm sure.

#314
Yes. I'm gonna invite you to a show.

#315
Okay. But first...

#316
allow me to destroy your gallery. Oh.

#317
Bullshit.

#318
Bullshit.

#319
Derivative.

#320
That... I love.

#321
I absolutely love.

#322
Um, that's just the air conditioner.

#323
I want it.

#324
It's everything.

#325
I mean, look at us.

#326
We're just air conditioners. I mean, after all,

#327
we're just walking around on the planet, breathing,

#328
conditioning the air. Right.

#329
I condition it hot,

#330
that conditions it cold.

#331
I mean, it's symbiotic, no?

#332
No, it is. I mean, we're just the air conditioners

#333
walking around on this planet,

#334
screwing each other's brains out.

#335
So true. I never thought of it like that.

#336
♪ ♪

#337
Oh... hello, you.

#338
(gunfire, explosions)

#339
This room won't be the only thing

#340
that I'll be entering today.

#341
Hey, teach. DEE: Cut!

#342
A woman's mouth is not for exiting of words,

#343
but for the entrance of a man's penis.

#344
DEE: Cut! DENNIS: Grieco, Grieco, Grieco, come on, man.

#345
Shoot her tits. I need some... I need a couple... Just...

#346
Get mostly tits on this one. Lots of emotion.

#347
And I want to feel a little bit of, uh,

#348
of sadness coming from your tits. And, action.

#349
A woman's mouth... DEE: Cut!

#350
"Not for the exiting of words, it's for the entrance..."

#351
Dee, can you just let him... GRIECO: Is there really...

#352
is there really a frigging difference between "exiting"

#353
and "entering"? Hey! Excuse me, every... You know what?

#354
Is there a difference between "exiting" and "entering"?

#355
GRIECO: I know there is, but is there... but words exit.

#356
Okay, okay, you know what? I-I need a seaweed break.

#357
Grieco, you've had 15 packages of seaweed today.

#358
Guys, Richard needs a seaweed five.

#359
Another...? Oh, goddamn it!

#360
Can we just get the scene, please?

#361
Just like it was in high school?

#362
You know, about that.

#363
What exactly happened in high school?

#364
'Cause it sounds like you had sex with a teacher.

#365
Uh, well, no, she wasn't a teacher.

#366
She was a hot young librarian.

#367
Are you talking about Ms. Klinsky? Yeah.

#368
She was like 50. Yeah, she looked good for her age.

#369
She looked like Rick Moranis.

#370
Moranis was always in pretty good shape, yeah.

#371
Plus, when she took her hair out of the bun,

#372
she went from Moranis to Alanis.

#373
Gross. You were 14.

#374
So, technically, you were raped.

#375
It wasn't rape. Can't rape a guy. Huh?

#376
You can't rape... I was... I was willing.

#377
You know, you can't rape... I mean, it's cool.

#378
Like, I bedded an older woman. That's cool.

#379
Right, Grieco? You know what?

#380
Let me use your pain in the scene. What are you talking about?

#381
You can't use somebody else's pain, Grieco.

#382
Do you know how acting works?

#383
Look... (exhales)

#384
Touch my finger...

#385
and transfer your pain into me. DEE: Mm-hmm, it's a good idea.

#386
Touch... touch my finger. I'm not touching your finger, man.

#387
I'm not touching your finger! Dennis.

#388
Seriously, touch my finger. What the hell is...? You know what?

#389
Why don't you just shoot me doing the goddamn scene?

#390
I'll seduce the librarian.

#391
You know what? That seaweed's making me a little sick.

#392
Uh, can I get a chalk break or something like that? Uh-oh.

#393
♪ ♪

#394
I call this one "Dog Three-Way."

#395
'Cause I was recently in a dog three-way.

#396
Actually, four with me, so, four-way.

#397
I was in a dog orgy.

#398
God, he's making a mockery of my art, bro.

#399
Oh. DENNIS: Well,

#400
the shoot was a total disaster.

#401
Dee's incompetent and a bitch, which we all knew.

#402
But, I mean, Richard Grieco.

#403
The man is obsessed with seaweed. It's...

#404
Pump your brakes. You met Grieco?

#405
Yeah, I met Grieco. Yeah, he-he was in my movie,

#406
but, uh, it didn't go very well.

#407
What-what are you doing? Are you doing a Grieco thing?

#408
Yeah, I'm doing a Grieco thing, 'cause-'cause Grieco's the man.

#409
You know, is he the man? No, not really.

#410
Ah, he's not the man? No, he's, he's-- yeah, no.

#411
Hello, boys.

#412
Is that how you played it? That is way over the top.

#413
What are you talking about? This is it. This is the way they are.

#414
Frank, did you buy an air conditioner? Yes, and I bought a painting for $35K.

#415
Why? Because I liked it, and that's what it cost.

#416
Is nobody understanding what we're trying to do? (door opens, closes)

#417
I am trying to prove that this is all bullshit,

#418
and you guys are all buying into it.

#419
Oh. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, hi.

#420
Hi. Here's the darling.

#421
Oh. That sold me...

#422
not a painting.

#423
Mm. A revelation.

#424
Oh. Hi, Ango. Oh, oh.

#425
WOMAN: Mm. (laughing) Oh. Oh, great.

#426
Oh, thank you. Thank you, Ango.

#427
Yes. Thank you very much.

#428
And thank you for coming. Oh. Oh, my pleasure.

#429
Yes, we have... we have many paintings by

#430
our featured artist, Rickety Cricket. Ah...

#431
Okay, well, Ango clearly has a great eye.

#432
I do have a great eye.

#433
So I'm excited to see what you have.

#434
Yes, yes. Well, here we have a Cricket.

#435
Oh.

#436
Yes, yes, and, uh, here we have another Cricket.

#437
Uh-huh. And, uh...

#438
Oh, here we have the artist himself.

#439
This is Rickety Cricket. Hey-o.

#440
Wow. Yeah, he literally has the worst life imaginable.

#441
(laughing): He ain't lying.

#442
So now you got some perspective

#443
and some context. Uh-huh.

#444
And like a story or whatever it is that you people need,

#445
so... Uh-huh.

#446
We don't have to talk numbers right now,

#447
but I feel like it should be... DEE: Hey, guys.

#448
I figured this art opening would be the perfect place

#449
to premiere my directorial debut.

#450
No, Dee, absolutely not.

#451
That's a hard "no." MAC: Yeah.

#452
(piano plays gentle melody)

#453
(orchestra joins in)

#454
DENNIS: Oh, come on. There were...

#455
No, Dee. This is ridiculous.

#456
♪ ♪

#457
(orchestra plays upbeat, fast-paced music)

#458
Hey, hoser, remember when I raped you in the library?

#459
Hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser...

#460
Okay, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. That was, uh...

#461
That's not part of the, uh, whole thing.

#462
It's very disturbing. It's very avant-garde.

#463
Mm-hmm. What do you think it's all worth?

#464
Good question. Ango, what do you think?

#465
Millions.

#466
I'd trade my limbs for it.

#467
Well, the market is dictated by what people will pay, so...

#468
Well, right, but how much are you willing to pay for it?

#469
Me? Yeah.

#470
(laughs) Oh, no, no.

#471
I'm really not interested in buying anything.

#472
But you own an art gallery.

#473
Oh, no. Oh.

#474
I rent an art gallery,

#475
or more accurately, my parents rent one for me.

#476
What?!

#477
So that painting I bought from you was worthless?

#478
Of course not.

#479
It meant something to you.

#480
It's worth exactly what you paid.

#481
I want to sell it back. Okay.

#482
In that exchange, it would only be worth

#483
what I would pay for it, which is, again, um, nothing.

#484
I-I don't get it.

#485
When is stuff art?

#486
Uh, hey, guys, guys, um, if I may,

#487
I think I can sum this all up.

#488
You see, art

#489
is an ambiguous thing, yeah?

#490
Yeah, just because you make some art, it doesn't mean

#491
that you're an artist.

#492
But, also, it does mean you're an artist.

#493
But does it mean that that art

#494
is good art?

#495
Is art good just because the right people say it's good?

#496
Yes. Yes.

#497
That's-that's how it works.

#498
Yeah, but keep in mind, you know,

#499
a lot of modern art is... is trash.

#500
I mean, it's shitty. It's not...

#501
You know, it's not good. It's terrible.

#502
You know? And yet, it's a fine line

#503
between Van Gogh and Van Damme,

#504
you know, between Depp and Grieco,

#505
between Banksy and Charlie,

#506
that makes it very difficult to determine what's good art.

#507
You know, what's high art?

#508
What has worth? What has meaning?

#509
Yeah?

#510
But if one thing

#511
has become abundantly clear to me today--

#512
and it should be to all of you, as well--

#513
is that I wasn't raped.

#514
We had a good time, she and I.

#515
Yeah. It was a... it was a two-way road.

#516
The whole thing was... mutual.

#517
And the woman in no way looked like Rick Moranis.

#518
You know?

#519
She totally did. I remember her. Remember her? Yeah.

#520
Um... Real dog. I wouldn't even sleep with her.

#521
(trumpet playing off-key)

#522
Brown.

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