Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E02 — Gun Fever Too - Still Hot

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 2 — Gun Fever Too - Still Hot

#1
Good morning, Philadelphia.

#2
With us today is Frank Reynolds,

#3
local business owner and a man with a harrowing story.

#4
That's right.

#5
A few days ago, three thugs tried to mug me.

#6
And I want to be very clear about something.

#7
Um, Mr... These pieces of garbage, they

#8
don't know who the hell they're dealing with.

#9
Mr. Reynolds, excuse me.

#10
Do you think maybe you could eat that sandwich later?

#11
I'm starving.

#12
You don't have nothing to eat in this show.

#13
Let's get back to your story.

#14
Right, so these punks... Yes.

#15
...I don't know if they wanted money or they wanted

#16
something more sexual.

#17
Wow.

#18
But it's a lucky thing I had my pieces.

#19
Your-your pieces?

#20
My guns.

#21
Oh, my.

#22
Anyway, I started blasting.

#23
Bah! Bah!

#24
Now, I don't see so good, so I missed, then they ran away, I

#25
ran after them.

#26
Okay.

#27
Bang! Tried to shoot them in the back, but I don't run so

#28
good either.

#29
Anyway, you guys all think I'm a hero, and I'll accept that

#30
responsibility.

#31
Now, weren't you concerned though that an innocent

#32
bystander may have... Look, crime in this city is

#33
out of control. Mm.

#34
Thank God I went down to Gunther's Guns and picked up a

#35
spare. I don't think one would've done

#36
it. I'm gonna go out and buy some more. Okay.

#37
And I think you should, too. Don't be a victim.

#38
- It's time to fight back. - This is crazy.

#39
- Completely insane. - Oh, it's driving

#40
- me nuts. - The whole gun thing,

#41
it just makes me really hot. Yeah, well, it's a hot issue

#42
and I'm getting hot about it, too.

#43
This is good, we're all hot at the same time.

#44
We should do something about... I mean, our schools aren't

#45
safe. There are people out on the

#46
streets with assault rifles? We're living in constant

#47
fear! Aw, guys, we got to get more

#48
guns on the streets! Yeah!

#49
Wait, what? We got to get more guns onto

#50
the streets. Yeah, we got to get guns in

#51
the right hands. I mean, we're just not safe.

#52
That's what you guys are hot about?

#53
Yeah, didn't you hear what Frank said?

#54
Yeah, what are you hot about? There are too many guns on

#55
the streets as it is. Guns off the streets is what we

#56
need. It's way too easy for anybody

#57
to just walk into a store and get a gun.

#58
No, it's not. It getting harder and harder.

#59
The government's trying to take our guns away.

#60
It's way harder than you think, dude.

#61
Guys, we're hot about the complete opposite.

#62
Shoot. Which is a bummer, 'cause I

#63
thought we were on the same page for once.

#64
Still very hot though.

#65
Yeah. Oh, I'm even hotter if I'm being honest. Still hot.

#66
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#67
Good call on these outfits, dude.

#68
It's the only call.

#69
You know what I mean?

#70
Like, you need a guy in a school

#71
that even from a mile away, the school shooter sees that guy

#72
and says, "Uh-uh."

#73
"I ain't messing with that dude."

#74
"I'm not messing with that dude.

#75
I'm not going near that school." Uh, gentlemen, I

#76
understand that you would like to...

#77
You... How-how did you find me? Oh, shit, I know this dude.

#78
Who-Who's this? This guy was the principal at

#79
the high school where I was doing the janitor thing.

#80
Yeah. Right, so why are you at a

#81
middle school now? Well, I was... I was

#82
transferred. See, I have tenure, so they

#83
couldn't actually fire me, which was, of course, their first

#84
choice, thanks to you. Well, let's not throw barbs

#85
at each other. Look, we're actually here for a

#86
good cause. We want to protect this school.

#87
Oh. Yeah, we want to be the armed

#88
security guards. Yeah, I brought a piece.

#89
We're good. Hey, hey, hey, no, no!

#90
Calm yourself. No, you got to put... no...

#91
It's not currently loaded. That's not the...

#92
Just put it away. I hear you, buddy.

#93
I would not want to be around this guy with a gun either.

#94
He has got a hair trigger. I mean, one little move and

#95
he'll just start blasting. Uh, bullshit.

#96
Look, the point is he shouldn't have a gun in a school

#97
in the first place anyway. No.

#98
Guns just do not belong in schools.

#99
No, they do not. That is why I brought along a

#100
saber. Aw, Jesus Christ.

#101
Which is just about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen

#102
in my life, because how are you gonna stop a gunman with that?

#103
Bro... He's gonna get you from a

#104
distance. If I come at you, I'll get to

#105
you faster. We have been arguing about this

#106
all day. Because it's insanity.

#107
Ooh, maybe you can be the judge.

#108
I don't want... What? Here we go.

#109
I'm gonna holster my weapon, he'll holster his weapon.

#110
No, we, no... I'll do, like, a one, two,

#111
three count, you tell us who goes faster.

#112
Please don't do this in here. Look, dude, this is the only

#113
way to tell, okay? And then we can protect your

#114
school, but we got to go one step at a time, all right?

#115
I mean, for God's sake... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#116
Sorry, sorry. Look out!

#117
Ah.

#118
I guess I do have a hair trigger, huh?

#119
Yeah. All right.

#120
Look at all these maniacs. Goddamn bloodthirsty freaks

#121
walking in off the street. So easy for anybody to just

#122
waltz in and buy a gun. Let's do it.

#123
Let's buy assault rifles and just prove to Mac and Charlie

#124
how easy it is. Oh, we're gonna, we're gonna.

#125
That's what we'll do. Hi, how are you, sir?

#126
Howdy, I'm Gunther. What can I do for you?

#127
Oh, Gunther himself, purveyor of destruction.

#128
I would like to buy a man destroyer from you, please.

#129
Yeah, nice to meet you, Gunther.

#130
Hey, maybe you could recommend something that could blow a hole

#131
through an elephant, you know. 'Cause I need that for my home

#132
protection. Yeah.

#133
I guess you're looking at an AR-15.

#134
Oh, look at that. Yeah, that's great.

#135
Now, theoretically, Gunther, would I be able to slaughter a

#136
roomful of innocent people with that weapon?

#137
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Brother, that'd be on you.

#138
That would be on me, wouldn't it?

#139
Yeah, that wouldn't be on you at all.

#140
But here you go. But here you go.

#141
But here you go. Okay, great, we'll take one of

#142
those, please. Yeah, we got it.

#143
How much would that be? Uh, that's $1,500.

#144
Woof! $1,500 for the privilege, okay.

#145
Hey, what is your, uh, what is your return policy there?

#146
30 days, no charge. All right.

#147
Ooh, 30 days, sounds fair. My goodness, Dennis, this feels

#148
good. Feels good in my hands.

#149
Oh, good my kids are safe.

#150
I saved everyone! Yeah, my yard's protected.

#151
So, of course, it feels good, you know?

#152
But that only proves our point even more.

#153
We'll take two of these, Gunther.

#154
Great. I'll need your licenses for the

#155
background checks. Okay, yeah.

#156
Yeah, you can drive, you can kill!

#157
Oh, Christ, look at this.

#158
Oh, God. Oh, shit, I love this guy.

#159
...become a bit of a local lightning rod in these gun

#160
debates here. Exactly.

#161
Gun sales have skyrocketed.

#162
We're running out of guns, and we have to manufacture more

#163
guns; supply is not meeting the demand.

#164
Can we... can we cut?

#165
Will my hands look this small on the screen?

#166
Uh, we're live, sir.

#167
I thought the camera would add ten pounds to my hands, and

#168
I don't like the way they look.

#169
Your hands look fine.

#170
Put them down.

#171
This is Jack Kelly.

#172
He's my attorney.

#173
He specializes in Constitutional Law.

#174
Our rights are being infringed upon.

#175
And people like my client won't take it anymore.

#176
The Constitution guarantees our Second Amendment rights.

#177
And these liberals like Al Gore,

#178
they're trying to take that away

#179
from us with this global warming bullshit.

#180
So, you see the two issues as related somehow?

#181
Damn right.

#182
The government of today has no right telling us how to live

#183
our lives, because the government of 200 years ago

#184
already did.

#185
Yeah.

#186
Oh, okay.

#187
They also protected us from tyranny against the seizure of

#188
tasteful, artistic photographs of beautiful bodies.

#189
Not now, Jack.

#190
That same government wants to

#191
come into our home, tell us what is and what is not art?

#192
That's not right!

#193
Okay, well, I'm gonna try and, uh, keep things on track

#194
here, so... Yeah.

#195
Get out and get those guns before they run out, and the

#196
government changes the laws.

#197
All right! Yeah!

#198
These idiots are buying this? It's crazy.

#199
What is going on? That was fast.

#200
You've been denied. What?

#201
That's ludicrous. Why?

#202
It says here you have an extensive history of felonious

#203
behavior. Oh, there have been

#204
incidents, sure, yeah, a few minor indiscretions, but,

#205
you know, I-I'm simply a person of interest in most of those

#206
cases, all right? Being wanted and being "wanted

#207
for questioning" are very, very, very different things, Gunther.

#208
And you've been institutionalized.

#209
Me? She... she... yeah.

#210
What... I mean, one time, for a short period of time.

#211
That-that was against my will. That doesn't even really count.

#212
That's the only time it counts, Dee.

#213
Okay, look, it was, like, a teeny thing that happened with a

#214
college roommate. It was really no big deal.

#215
Uh, yeah. Says here you burned her.

#216
I burned her, yeah. I burned her.

#217
But... She was so annoying.

#218
I mean, it... She deserved it, okay?

#219
She was wearing my stuff, and she was copying me, and...

#220
You were copying her. I was copying her, she was

#221
copying me... It doesn't matter.

#222
Look, I'm sorry, but I can't sell you the guns.

#223
Oh, God. Oh, well, look at you.

#224
Oh, Gunther the morality king. "Hi, I'm Gunther, I've never lit

#225
anybody on fire before." You know, you light one bitch on

#226
fire, and everybody freaks out! Oh, you son of a bitch.

#227
It was one time and one thing, I just...

#228
All right, all right, all right, relax, relax.

#229
Okay, take it easy.

#230
Look, there are other ways to buy guns where people don't go

#231
snooping around in your past. Listen, pal...

#232
you just made my list. Your list?

#233
Yeah, I have a... Shh.

#234
Whatever, let's just go. Let's go.

#235
How is that tasteless? It's art.

#236
Get that out. Get that out.

#237
You can't even see the child... We'll be right back.

#238
Weather, traffic and a trip to the zoo, coming right up.

#239
Okay, Charlie, I'm gonna demonstrate to you how to thwart

#240
an attack. Mm-hmm.

#241
Now, pretend that this dummy is a school shooter.

#242
Right. I want you to stand back,

#243
'cause I don't want you to get hurt.

#244
Before he can draw his weapon... Hie-aught!

#245
Hup, hut, hut! Hie!

#246
How awesome was that? Well, yeah, that's-that's

#247
pretty awesome, but I feel like he would've shot you from a mile

#248
away. No, no, he wouldn't, because

#249
you saw how I was zigzagging like this and making sounds?

#250
It was distracting. Yeah, but did you ever see

#251
Indiana Jones, where the guy does the whole sword thing and

#252
then he just shoots him dead? Are you asking me if I've

#253
seen Indiana Jones? Are you seriously asking me?

#254
I've seen that movie... That is my...

#255
You're not understanding. Do you remember it?

#256
Yes. But if I were to come at you,

#257
it's all about how I...

#258
Okay, in that circumstance, maybe you got there a little bit

#259
faster. I got you.

#260
But if I...! Okay.

#261
I got you again. But I... What if I zigzag

#262
like this? It's so easy to get you.

#263
And that's... that's not necessarily...

#264
I don't think that that's... Hold-hold on a second.

#265
Look at this kid. Ooh, he's wearing all black,

#266
he's walking by himself. What do you think he's doing

#267
on that phone? Oh, I'll tell you exactly

#268
what he's doing. He's playing one of those games

#269
where you shoot everyone. I'm gonna profile this guy

#270
really quick. Excuse us.

#271
Yeah. Hey, kid, kid, kid. Stop, stop.

#272
Son, son, I'm sorry, hold up, hold up.

#273
What are you doing on the phone there?

#274
None of your business.

#275
A sass-mouth, huh? That's a red flag.

#276
Son, you were asked a question by an adult, okay?

#277
You've been asked a question, all right?

#278
We're trying to ensafen your school here, okay?

#279
And you're acting like a punk? Let me see the phone.

#280
I want to see. Oh! He's killing zombies!

#281
I'm taking this. What the hell, man?

#282
Hey, kid, you're getting off easy!

#283
Now get to school. Go to school.

#284
Just know we're watching you. Go to class.

#285
Be careful. Look.

#286
This is a red flag. These are the kids that are the

#287
threats to society, the ones playing the violent video games,

#288
man. I play violent video games.

#289
Well, yeah, I also play violent video games.

#290
I watch violent movies. Well, yeah, violent movies

#291
are the best movies. And I don't want to kill

#292
people. No, I mean...

#293
All right, this... Yeah, it's not really the best

#294
way to tell, you know, who's gonna be a threat or who's not

#295
gonna... What is going on out here?

#296
Nothing, thanks to us, bro. Well, are-are you stealing

#297
kids' cell phones? Stealing, sir? No.

#298
I've been confiscating them as potential evidence.

#299
Are you aware that you're holding children up with a gun

#300
and-and a sword? You just... you need to stay off

#301
of school property. Sir, we are not on the school

#302
property, okay? Yeah, we're outside of the

#303
fence by, like... We're on the sidewalk, see?

#304
You need to stay 1,000 yards away from school property.

#305
I mean, we're trying to keep the school safe!

#306
I know, well, yeah. Well, yeah, we would all feel a

#307
lot safer if you were further away.

#308
All right, I'm taking this guy out.

#309
Hey, whoa, settle! Settle, settle, settle!

#310
Settle. Settle down. Would you please stop

#311
pointing that gun at me?

#312
The school is safe, thanks to us.

#313
Here's the damn phone. Well... please, just... if

#314
you could just get away from the school.

#315
Get away from the children. Hey!

#316
Just-just stay away from the children.

#317
Have a good day, sir. Thank you.

#318
Have a good day. Go.

#319
We're leaving! We're leaving, we're leaving.

#320
We're leaving. You know, Charlie, if we

#321
can't be in the school zone, maybe we need to train somebody

#322
who can be. You know, someone you'd never

#323
suspect could stop a shooter. I got an idea.

#324
And here we are, Dee, at a gun show, huh?

#325
Lowest common denominator. Is that a bazooka?

#326
Insanely dangerous, this place is.

#327
It's crazy. Oh, look at this guy right here.

#328
He'll probably sell us a gun. Excuse me, sir.

#329
Um, I would like to buy a gun from you.

#330
Something that is unnecessarily powerful, something you would

#331
never need in Philadelphia. Yeah, ooh, ooh, but you know

#332
what you shouldn't do though, is look into our very sketchy

#333
pasts. No.

#334
Uh, it's not a problem. We all got a sketchy past.

#335
Oh, genuine creep. Wonderful.

#336
Perfect. Hey, sir, could you please sell

#337
us this AR-15? Yeah.

#338
Uh, despite, you know, who or what we plan to obliterate

#339
with it. And don't ask questions, okay?

#340
No. 'Cause we just want to prove

#341
to our friends how easy it is to buy a high-capacity rifle.

#342
Absolutely. All right, man, great.

#343
Hey, so give this guy his 1,500 bucks, and we'll just saunter

#344
right out of here with a weapon of mass extinction.

#345
Three grand. What? I'm sorry.

#346
That's $3,000. No, not for this.

#347
No, for this, for this. No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

#348
At Gunther's it's $1,500. Oh, this ain't

#349
Gunther's. This a price gouge?

#350
Oh, my. That's illegal.

#351
Oh, you see, I'm a private seller.

#352
That means I can do whatever I want.

#353
Shit. Fine. That's fine.

#354
We'll buy it, and we'll return it.

#355
All sales are final. Come on!

#356
I'll show you what's final, you redneck son of a bitch!

#357
I will burn you alive like the last bitch who crossed me!

#358
Okay, all right, all right, Dee.

#359
That's not getting us anywhere. Okay, she's hot.

#360
I went... I went hot real fast; it just happened.

#361
Well, our whole crew's been hot lately.

#362
We're trying to cool down, but you're not making it any easier.

#363
Mm-mm. All right, listen, I want

#364
this gun, pal. Okay, I want it, because it's

#365
easy to buy a gun. And I need to prove that to

#366
some people, so give me the gun at a fair price, and do it now.

#367
$4,000. Shit!

#368
Four thou...? $4,000? Really?

#369
I'll tell you what.

#370
How about I just take it, huh? 'Cause I'm a maniac with a

#371
gun, and there's nothing you can do about it.

#372
Oh. Oh, oh. Okay.

#373
Oh, okay. Oops.

#374
Putting the gun down now. Okay, this is just a... just an

#375
exercise, okay, to prove how unsafe it is...

#376
for everyone to have guns, okay? But I see now that I was the

#377
maniac with the gun. And you all made it safer...

#378
in here. Yeah.

#379
Good for you. Our bad, our bad for this experiment.

#380
Thank you for joining us. I know you may not see yourself

#381
as a solution to a national problem.

#382
You might not think you have the ability, but, uh, believe

#383
me, you were... you were carefully selected.

#384
And with a little hard work and a whole lot of training, we

#385
can help you keep your school safe.

#386
Are there any questions? Yo, can I get some beer?

#387
No beer. No. We said it, like,

#388
a million times. Guys, guys, how many times do

#389
we have to be through this? No beer, okay?

#390
All right, you know, you can't drink beer and be

#391
effective. But you guys had, like, five.

#392
Don't count beers, Carlos. Not cool.

#393
Yeah. And by the way, Carlos, I've had six.

#394
And I've had seven. So don't be a rat, okay?

#395
And if you are gonna be a rat, get it right.

#396
No more questions. In fact, no more questions.

#397
You guys are the ones that asked for the questions.

#398
Shut up, Carlos! Carlos, shut up!

#399
The time for questions is over.

#400
It's now time for learning. Okay? You're-you're impeding

#401
on your own safety. Okay, now my friend and I

#402
have been arguing all day about the efficacy of swords

#403
versus guns. Okay? So we met in

#404
the middle. Now if you look under your

#405
seat, you'll see that each of you has been provided a weapon

#406
that you could easily find in your own classroom.

#407
Some of you may have compasses, others,

#408
sharp pencils. Okay, there are forks in

#409
the cafeteria, there's piano wire from the music room.

#410
You need to learn how to make every single item in your

#411
school a potentially life-threatening weapon.

#412
Look at the person sitting next to you.

#413
That person wants to take you out.

#414
Guys, safety is the name of the game.

#415
It's all about safety. Let's take it slow.

#416
We're gonna take this in a safe and orderly fashion.

#417
Are you ready to begin? Okay.

#418
And, guys, let's have a little fun.

#419
Shut it, shut it, shut it!

#420
Those-those kids are maniacs! Oh, my God, I think they're

#421
all in gangs or something! There's a lot of score settling

#422
going on in there! Oh, yeah, dude, we created

#423
a HungerGames-type scenario in there.

#424
Imagine if they had guns! Oh, it'd be a disaster!

#425
An absolute disaster! These kids are all too violent.

#426
It's, like, ingrained in them or something.

#427
Oh, my God, dude, we've been singing the wrong tune.

#428
Society is getting more savage. We need to get the weapons

#429
out of their hands! Maybe we should call the

#430
cops, the only people who should have guns!

#431
They got to come in here, they got to calm this down!

#432
Oh! Oh, shit, Charlie, I got

#433
to admit something, dude. I'm bleeding pretty bad.

#434
One of the kids got you? I nicked myself back in the

#435
principal's office just trying to upholster my weapon.

#436
Jesus, man. I didn't want to say anything

#437
'cause it was a little bit embarrassing.

#438
All right, can I go to

#439
the hospital? Yeah, let's go.

#440
- Go, go, go, go, go. - First

#441
they disarm us, then they oppress us.

#442
So I want you to get every gun you can buy and bring

#443
it to 17th and JFK, and we're gonna march on City Hall.

#444
And bring whatever guests you want, regardless of age or

#445
whatever restriction the government puts on our

#446
expression of beauty. Just get the guns and bring

#447
them down to City Hall. Well, you better believe I'll

#448
be there. I know you'll be there.

#449
Bring your kid. You have kids?

#450
Yes, of course, of course. Bring them.

#451
I mean, come on. He's really going off the deep

#452
end, Dee. I don't know.

#453
I hate to admit it, Dennis, but he's got a point, you know.

#454
It doesn't seem like it's all that easy to buy an assault

#455
rifle. No, no, no, no, no.

#456
Don't you start with that shit, Dee.

#457
Well, I'm sorry. It is incredibly easy to buy

#458
assault rifle, and I'm gonna prove to you how easy it is

#459
right now. Okay, here comes our guy.

#460
Mm, mm. No. Hi.

#462
people-killer? Right here.

#463
Oh, ho, ho, ho. That's the stuff, baby.

#464
Now, I got $1,500, which is the fair asking price.

#465
I hope that's okay. Yeah. Give it to me.

#466
All right. There you go. All right, now, I'm not really

#467
totally comfortable rolling the window down.

#468
I'm sure you understand why, so I'm just gonna pop the trunk and

#469
you can, uh, you can throw it in there, all right?

#470
Back there? Yeah.

#471
In the trunk? Yeah.

#472
Okay, I got you. You see how easy that is,

#473
Dee? You just give a man $1,500 and

#474
he gives you an assault rifle. Uh-oh. Ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh.

#475
What? Where's he going? Well, he appears to be

#476
sauntering off. Well, don't do... No.

#477
Well, sir, I gave you the $1,500.

#478
Don't saunter away. I'm try... That's not fair!

#479
No, it's not fair! You stop right now!

#480
Listen, you stop in your tracks! Uh, Dennis, go stop him.

#481
Denni... Go stop...? The man has an assault rifle!

#482
What am I supposed to do?! Shit!

#483
I can't buy one! The only thing that stops a

#484
bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, which we can't get!

#485
Goddamn son of a bitch Frank, you were right!

#486
Frank was right! Shit!

#487
Where's Frank? We're hot. We're coming in super hot!

#488
Where is Frank?! Oh, you guys hot?

#489
You guys are still hot? The whole thing's hot, man!

#490
Oh, yeah, I'm burning up right now!

#491
It's a crazy situation! We're on your side now!

#492
We got to get these guns off the streets!

#493
Boo-yah! Wait, what? No, no.

#494
Off the streets? What are you, crazy?

#495
We need the guns on the streets! Everyone needs to have guns!

#496
We need to flood the streets with guns!

#497
To stay safe. Aw, shit.

#498
I mean, I think, uh... You know, I think we crossed

#499
right past each other like ships in the night, man.

#500
We flip-flopped. Yeah, 'cause we're on the

#501
opposite side now. That side makes no more sense

#502
to me. If we could've just met up,

#503
like, two hours ago... Oh, oh, there's Frank.

#504
Hey, Frank! Frank, is that a box of guns?

#505
What is that? Guns? No.

#506
Water filters. Water filters?

#507
All right, guys, load 'em in. Very nice.

#508
Hey, Frank, why do you have a truck full of water filters?

#509
Uh, you know what, I don't give a shit.

#510
Let's get down to that rally, man.

#511
Rally? Yeah.

#512
Yes, the freedom rally. The one you organized.

#513
Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go down there.

#514
It's gonna be a bunch of nuts with guns.

#515
Too dangerous. Wait, hold on a second.

#516
What's going on? I thought you were into guns.

#517
You know, why have you been on TV talking about all that shit?

#518
I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns.

#519
I got everybody angry and scared.

#520
They bought the guns, I made a fortune.

#521
Oh, my God. This is crazy. So you don't give a shit about

#522
the gun issue at all? Uh, uh...

#523
I mean, what the hell? You're like the NRA.

#524
Yeah, a little bit like the NRA.

#525
Little tiny bit. But I-I think of myself more

#526
like Al Gore. You know, he got everybody

#527
worked up over global warming. Then he made millions.

#528
Huh?! Yeah. Everybody does it.

#529
Liberals, conservatives, doesn't matter.

#530
This is America: you're either a duper or a dupee.

#531
I'm a duper. You guys are the dupees.

#532
I got to go. Where you going now?

#533
With us now is local community activist, Frank

#534
Reynolds, with a terrifying statistic.

#535
Frank?

#536
Yes. Thank you, Chet.

#537
You're welcome.

#538
Do you know that 90% of your water is 100% toxins?

#539
Who knows what the other 10% is?

#540
It's probably far worse, I would imagine.

#541
It's really worse.

#542
I have a water filter for you that you need to put in every

#543
single home.

#544
It will protect you and your entire family.

#545
You can even give that water to your babies.

#546
Wow.

#547
Well, babies, look out, because

#548
this next segment is just for you.

#549
Don't turn that channel.

#550
Your life may depend upon it.

#551
Got to give it to him.

#552
He is good. That son of a bitch.

#553
Goddamn. Yeah.

#554
I think I'm gonna get one of

#555
those water filters. I do kind of want one, right?

#556
For safety, for safety. I mean, he does make some

#557
good points. Yeah.

#558
The water's toxic. I mean, it is. Yeah.

#559
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#560
Good call on these outfits, dude.

#561
It's the only call.

#562
You know what I mean?

#563
Like, you need a guy in a school

#564
that even from a mile away, the school shooter sees that guy

#565
and says, "Uh-uh."

#566
"I ain't messing with that dude."

#567
"I'm not messing with that dude.

#568
I'm not going near that school." Uh, gentlemen, I

#569
understand that you would like to...

#571
Who-Who's this? This guy was the principal at

#572
the high school where I was doing the janitor thing.

#573
Yeah. Right, so why are you at a

#574
middle school now? Well, I was... I was

#575
transferred. See, I have tenure, so they

#576
couldn't actually fire me, which was, of course, their first

#577
choice, thanks to you. Well, let's not throw barbs

#578
at each other. Look, we're actually here for a

#579
good cause. We want to protect this school.

#580
Oh. Yeah, we want to be the armed

#581
security guards. Yeah, I brought a piece.

#583
Calm yourself. No, you got to put... no...

#584
It's not currently loaded. That's not the...

#585
Just put it away. I hear you, buddy.

#586
I would not want to be around this guy with a gun either.

#587
He has got a hair trigger. I mean, one little move and

#588
he'll just start blasting. Uh, bullshit.

#589
Look, the point is he shouldn't have a gun in a school

#590
in the first place anyway. No.

#591
Guns just do not belong in schools.

#592
No, they do not. That is why I brought along a

#593
saber. Aw, Jesus Christ.

#594
Which is just about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen

#595
in my life, because how are you gonna stop a gunman with that?

#596
Bro... He's gonna get you from a

#597
distance. If I come at you, I'll get to

#598
you faster. We have been arguing about this

#599
all day. Because it's insanity.

#600
Ooh, maybe you can be the judge.

#601
I don't want... What? Here we go.

#602
I'm gonna holster my weapon, he'll holster his weapon.

#603
No, we, no... I'll do, like, a one, two,

#604
three count, you tell us who goes faster.

#605
Please don't do this in here. Look, dude, this is the only

#606
way to tell, okay? And then we can protect your

#607
school, but we got to go one step at a time, all right?

#608
I mean, for God's sake... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#609
Sorry, sorry. Look out!

#610
Ah.

#611
I guess I do have a hair trigger, huh?

#612
Yeah. All right.

#614
walking in off the street. So easy for anybody to just

#615
waltz in and buy a gun. Let's do it.

#616
Let's buy assault rifles and just prove to Mac and Charlie

#617
how easy it is. Oh, we're gonna, we're gonna.

#618
That's what we'll do. Hi, how are you, sir?

#619
Howdy, I'm Gunther. What can I do for you?

#620
Oh, Gunther himself, purveyor of destruction.

#621
I would like to buy a man destroyer from you, please.

#622
Yeah, nice to meet you, Gunther.

#623
Hey, maybe you could recommend something that could blow a hole

#624
through an elephant, you know. 'Cause I need that for my home

#625
protection. Yeah.

#626
I guess you're looking at an AR-15.

#627
Oh, look at that. Yeah, that's great.

#628
Now, theoretically, Gunther, would I be able to slaughter a

#629
roomful of innocent people with that weapon?

#630
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Brother, that'd be on you.

#631
That would be on me, wouldn't it?

#632
Yeah, that wouldn't be on you at all.

#633
But here you go. But here you go.

#634
But here you go. Okay, great, we'll take one of

#635
those, please. Yeah, we got it.

#636
How much would that be? Uh, that's $1,500.

#638
Hey, what is your, uh, what is your return policy there?

#640
Ooh, 30 days, sounds fair. My goodness, Dennis, this feels

#641
good. Feels good in my hands.

#642
Oh, good my kids are safe.

#643
I saved everyone! Yeah, my yard's protected.

#644
So, of course, it feels good, you know?

#645
But that only proves our point even more.

#646
We'll take two of these, Gunther.

#647
Great. I'll need your licenses for the

#648
background checks. Okay, yeah.

#649
Yeah, you can drive, you can kill!

#650
Oh, Christ, look at this.

#651
Oh, God. Oh, shit, I love this guy.

#653
debates here. Exactly.

#654
Gun sales have skyrocketed.

#655
We're running out of guns, and we have to manufacture more

#656
guns; supply is not meeting the demand.

#657
Can we... can we cut?

#658
Will my hands look this small on the screen?

#659
Uh, we're live, sir.

#660
I thought the camera would add ten pounds to my hands, and

#661
I don't like the way they look.

#662
Your hands look fine.

#663
Put them down.

#664
This is Jack Kelly.

#665
He's my attorney.

#666
He specializes in Constitutional Law.

#667
Our rights are being infringed upon.

#668
And people like my client won't take it anymore.

#669
The Constitution guarantees our Second Amendment rights.

#670
And these liberals like Al Gore,

#671
they're trying to take that away

#672
from us with this global warming bullshit.

#673
So, you see the two issues as related somehow?

#675
The government of today has no right telling us how to live

#676
our lives, because the government of 200 years ago

#677
already did.

#678
Yeah.

#679
Oh, okay.

#680
They also protected us from tyranny against the seizure of

#681
tasteful, artistic photographs of beautiful bodies.

#682
Not now, Jack.

#683
That same government wants to

#684
come into our home, tell us what is and what is not art?

#685
That's not right!

#686
Okay, well, I'm gonna try and, uh, keep things on track

#687
here, so... Yeah.

#688
Get out and get those guns before they run out, and the

#689
government changes the laws.

#690
All right! Yeah!

#691
These idiots are buying this? It's crazy.

#692
What is going on? That was fast.

#694
That's ludicrous. Why?

#695
It says here you have an extensive history of felonious

#696
behavior. Oh, there have been

#697
incidents, sure, yeah, a few minor indiscretions, but,

#699
cases, all right? Being wanted and being "wanted

#700
for questioning" are very, very, very different things, Gunther.

#701
And you've been institutionalized.

#702
Me? She... she... yeah.

#704
That-that was against my will. That doesn't even really count.

#705
That's the only time it counts, Dee.

#706
Okay, look, it was, like, a teeny thing that happened with a

#707
college roommate. It was really no big deal.

#708
Uh, yeah. Says here you burned her.

#710
But... She was so annoying.

#711
I mean, it... She deserved it, okay?

#712
She was wearing my stuff, and she was copying me, and...

#713
You were copying her. I was copying her, she was

#714
copying me... It doesn't matter.

#715
Look, I'm sorry, but I can't sell you the guns.

#716
Oh, God. Oh, well, look at you.

#717
Oh, Gunther the morality king. "Hi, I'm Gunther, I've never lit

#718
anybody on fire before." You know, you light one bitch on

#719
fire, and everybody freaks out! Oh, you son of a bitch.

#720
It was one time and one thing, I just...

#721
All right, all right, all right, relax, relax.

#722
Okay, take it easy.

#723
Look, there are other ways to buy guns where people don't go

#724
snooping around in your past. Listen, pal...

#725
you just made my list. Your list?

#726
Yeah, I have a... Shh.

#727
Whatever, let's just go. Let's go.

#728
How is that tasteless? It's art.

#729
Get that out. Get that out.

#732
Okay, Charlie, I'm gonna demonstrate to you how to thwart

#733
an attack. Mm-hmm.

#734
Now, pretend that this dummy is a school shooter.

#735
Right. I want you to stand back,

#736
'cause I don't want you to get hurt.

#737
Before he can draw his weapon... Hie-aught!

#738
Hup, hut, hut! Hie!

#739
How awesome was that? Well, yeah, that's-that's

#740
pretty awesome, but I feel like he would've shot you from a mile

#741
away. No, no, he wouldn't, because

#742
you saw how I was zigzagging like this and making sounds?

#743
It was distracting. Yeah, but did you ever see

#744
Indiana Jones, where the guy does the whole sword thing and

#745
then he just shoots him dead? Are you asking me if I've

#746
seen Indiana Jones? Are you seriously asking me?

#747
I've seen that movie... That is my...

#748
You're not understanding. Do you remember it?

#749
Yes. But if I were to come at you,

#750
it's all about how I...

#751
Okay, in that circumstance, maybe you got there a little bit

#752
faster. I got you.

#753
But if I...! Okay.

#754
I got you again. But I... What if I zigzag

#755
like this? It's so easy to get you.

#756
And that's... that's not necessarily...

#757
I don't think that that's... Hold-hold on a second.

#758
Look at this kid. Ooh, he's wearing all black,

#760
on that phone? Oh, I'll tell you exactly

#761
what he's doing. He's playing one of those games

#762
where you shoot everyone. I'm gonna profile this guy

#763
really quick. Excuse us.

#764
Yeah. Hey, kid, kid, kid. Stop, stop.

#765
Son, son, I'm sorry, hold up, hold up.

#766
What are you doing on the phone there?

#767
None of your business.

#768
A sass-mouth, huh? That's a red flag.

#769
Son, you were asked a question by an adult, okay?

#770
You've been asked a question, all right?

#771
We're trying to ensafen your school here, okay?

#772
And you're acting like a punk? Let me see the phone.

#773
I want to see. Oh! He's killing zombies!

#774
I'm taking this. What the hell, man?

#775
Hey, kid, you're getting off easy!

#776
Now get to school. Go to school.

#777
Just know we're watching you. Go to class.

#778
Be careful. Look.

#779
This is a red flag. These are the kids that are the

#780
threats to society, the ones playing the violent video games,

#781
man. I play violent video games.

#782
Well, yeah, I also play violent video games.

#783
I watch violent movies. Well, yeah, violent movies

#784
are the best movies. And I don't want to kill

#786
All right, this... Yeah, it's not really the best

#787
way to tell, you know, who's gonna be a threat or who's not

#788
gonna... What is going on out here?

#790
kids' cell phones? Stealing, sir? No.

#791
I've been confiscating them as potential evidence.

#792
Are you aware that you're holding children up with a gun

#793
and-and a sword? You just... you need to stay off

#794
of school property. Sir, we are not on the school

#796
fence by, like... We're on the sidewalk, see?

#797
You need to stay 1,000 yards away from school property.

#798
I mean, we're trying to keep the school safe!

#799
I know, well, yeah. Well, yeah, we would all feel a

#800
lot safer if you were further away.

#801
All right, I'm taking this guy out.

#802
Hey, whoa, settle! Settle, settle, settle!

#803
Settle. Settle down. Would you please stop

#805
The school is safe, thanks to us.

#806
Here's the damn phone. Well... please, just... if

#807
you could just get away from the school.

#808
Get away from the children. Hey!

#809
Just-just stay away from the children.

#810
Have a good day, sir. Thank you.

#811
Have a good day. Go.

#812
We're leaving! We're leaving, we're leaving.

#813
We're leaving. You know, Charlie, if we

#815
who can be. You know, someone you'd never

#816
suspect could stop a shooter. I got an idea.

#817
And here we are, Dee, at a gun show, huh?

#819
Insanely dangerous, this place is.

#820
It's crazy. Oh, look at this guy right here.

#821
He'll probably sell us a gun. Excuse me, sir.

#822
Um, I would like to buy a gun from you.

#823
Something that is unnecessarily powerful, something you would

#824
never need in Philadelphia. Yeah, ooh, ooh, but you know

#825
what you shouldn't do though, is look into our very sketchy

#826
pasts. No.

#827
Uh, it's not a problem. We all got a sketchy past.

#828
Oh, genuine creep. Wonderful.

#830
us this AR-15? Yeah.

#832
with it. And don't ask questions, okay?

#833
No. 'Cause we just want to prove

#834
to our friends how easy it is to buy a high-capacity rifle.

#835
Absolutely. All right, man, great.

#836
Hey, so give this guy his 1,500 bucks, and we'll just saunter

#838
Three grand. What? I'm sorry.

#839
That's $3,000. No, not for this.

#840
No, for this, for this. No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

#841
At Gunther's it's $1,500. Oh, this ain't

#842
Gunther's. This a price gouge?

#843
Oh, my. That's illegal.

#844
Oh, you see, I'm a private seller.

#845
That means I can do whatever I want.

#846
Shit. Fine. That's fine.

#847
We'll buy it, and we'll return it.

#848
All sales are final. Come on!

#849
I'll show you what's final, you redneck son of a bitch!

#850
I will burn you alive like the last bitch who crossed me!

#851
Okay, all right, all right, Dee.

#852
That's not getting us anywhere. Okay, she's hot.

#853
I went... I went hot real fast; it just happened.

#854
Well, our whole crew's been hot lately.

#855
We're trying to cool down, but you're not making it any easier.

#856
Mm-mm. All right, listen, I want

#857
this gun, pal. Okay, I want it, because it's

#858
easy to buy a gun. And I need to prove that to

#859
some people, so give me the gun at a fair price, and do it now.

#860
$4,000. Shit!

#861
Four thou...? $4,000? Really?

#862
I'll tell you what.

#864
gun, and there's nothing you can do about it.

#865
Oh. Oh, oh. Okay.

#866
Oh, okay. Oops.

#867
Putting the gun down now. Okay, this is just a... just an

#868
exercise, okay, to prove how unsafe it is...

#869
for everyone to have guns, okay? But I see now that I was the

#870
maniac with the gun. And you all made it safer...

#871
in here. Yeah.

#872
Good for you. Our bad, our bad for this experiment.

#873
Thank you for joining us. I know you may not see yourself

#874
as a solution to a national problem.

#875
You might not think you have the ability, but, uh, believe

#876
me, you were... you were carefully selected.

#877
And with a little hard work and a whole lot of training, we

#878
can help you keep your school safe.

#879
Are there any questions? Yo, can I get some beer?

#880
No beer. No. We said it, like,

#881
a million times. Guys, guys, how many times do

#882
we have to be through this? No beer, okay?

#883
All right, you know, you can't drink beer and be

#884
effective. But you guys had, like, five.

#885
Don't count beers, Carlos. Not cool.

#888
And if you are gonna be a rat, get it right.

#890
You guys are the ones that asked for the questions.

#891
Shut up, Carlos! Carlos, shut up!

#892
The time for questions is over.

#893
It's now time for learning. Okay? You're-you're impeding

#894
on your own safety. Okay, now my friend and I

#895
have been arguing all day about the efficacy of swords

#896
versus guns. Okay? So we met in

#897
the middle. Now if you look under your

#898
seat, you'll see that each of you has been provided a weapon

#899
that you could easily find in your own classroom.

#901
sharp pencils. Okay, there are forks in

#903
You need to learn how to make every single item in your

#904
school a potentially life-threatening weapon.

#906
That person wants to take you out.

#907
Guys, safety is the name of the game.

#908
It's all about safety. Let's take it slow.

#911
And, guys, let's have a little fun.

#912
Shut it, shut it, shut it!

#913
Those-those kids are maniacs! Oh, my God, I think they're

#914
all in gangs or something! There's a lot of score settling

#915
going on in there! Oh, yeah, dude, we created

#917
Imagine if they had guns! Oh, it'd be a disaster!

#918
An absolute disaster! These kids are all too violent.

#919
It's, like, ingrained in them or something.

#920
Oh, my God, dude, we've been singing the wrong tune.

#921
Society is getting more savage. We need to get the weapons

#922
out of their hands! Maybe we should call the

#923
cops, the only people who should have guns!

#924
They got to come in here, they got to calm this down!

#925
Oh! Oh, shit, Charlie, I got

#927
One of the kids got you? I nicked myself back in the

#928
principal's office just trying to upholster my weapon.

#929
Jesus, man. I didn't want to say anything

#930
'cause it was a little bit embarrassing.

#931
All right, can I go to

#932
the hospital? Yeah, let's go.

#934
they disarm us, then they oppress us.

#937
And bring whatever guests you want, regardless of age or

#938
whatever restriction the government puts on our

#939
expression of beauty. Just get the guns and bring

#940
them down to City Hall. Well, you better believe I'll

#941
be there. I know you'll be there.

#942
Bring your kid. You have kids?

#944
I mean, come on. He's really going off the deep

#945
end, Dee. I don't know.

#946
I hate to admit it, Dennis, but he's got a point, you know.

#947
It doesn't seem like it's all that easy to buy an assault

#948
rifle. No, no, no, no, no.

#949
Don't you start with that shit, Dee.

#950
Well, I'm sorry. It is incredibly easy to buy

#951
assault rifle, and I'm gonna prove to you how easy it is

#952
right now. Okay, here comes our guy.

#953
Mm, mm. No. Hi.

#954
- Uh, you got my money? - You got my

#955
people-killer? Right here.

#956
Oh, ho, ho, ho. That's the stuff, baby.

#957
Now, I got $1,500, which is the fair asking price.

#959
All right. There you go. All right, now, I'm not really

#960
totally comfortable rolling the window down.

#962
you can, uh, you can throw it in there, all right?

#963
Back there? Yeah.

#964
In the trunk? Yeah.

#965
Okay, I got you. You see how easy that is,

#966
Dee? You just give a man $1,500 and

#967
he gives you an assault rifle. Uh-oh. Ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh.

#968
What? Where's he going? Well, he appears to be

#969
sauntering off. Well, don't do... No.

#970
Well, sir, I gave you the $1,500.

#971
Don't saunter away. I'm try... That's not fair!

#973
Listen, you stop in your tracks! Uh, Dennis, go stop him.

#974
Denni... Go stop...? The man has an assault rifle!

#975
What am I supposed to do?! Shit!

#976
I can't buy one! The only thing that stops a

#977
bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, which we can't get!

#978
Goddamn son of a bitch Frank, you were right!

#979
Frank was right! Shit!

#980
Where's Frank? We're hot. We're coming in super hot!

#981
Where is Frank?! Oh, you guys hot?

#982
You guys are still hot? The whole thing's hot, man!

#983
Oh, yeah, I'm burning up right now!

#985
We got to get these guns off the streets!

#986
Boo-yah! Wait, what? No, no.

#987
Off the streets? What are you, crazy?

#988
We need the guns on the streets! Everyone needs to have guns!

#989
We need to flood the streets with guns!

#990
To stay safe. Aw, shit.

#992
right past each other like ships in the night, man.

#993
We flip-flopped. Yeah, 'cause we're on the

#994
opposite side now. That side makes no more sense

#995
to me. If we could've just met up,

#996
like, two hours ago... Oh, oh, there's Frank.

#997
Hey, Frank! Frank, is that a box of guns?

#998
What is that? Guns? No.

#1000
All right, guys, load 'em in. Very nice.

#1001
Hey, Frank, why do you have a truck full of water filters?

#1002
Uh, you know what, I don't give a shit.

#1003
Let's get down to that rally, man.

#1004
Rally? Yeah.

#1005
Yes, the freedom rally. The one you organized.

#1006
Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go down there.

#1007
It's gonna be a bunch of nuts with guns.

#1008
Too dangerous. Wait, hold on a second.

#1009
What's going on? I thought you were into guns.

#1010
You know, why have you been on TV talking about all that shit?

#1011
I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns.

#1012
I got everybody angry and scared.

#1013
They bought the guns, I made a fortune.

#1014
Oh, my God. This is crazy. So you don't give a shit about

#1015
the gun issue at all? Uh, uh...

#1016
I mean, what the hell? You're like the NRA.

#1017
Yeah, a little bit like the NRA.

#1018
Little tiny bit. But I-I think of myself more

#1019
like Al Gore. You know, he got everybody

#1020
worked up over global warming. Then he made millions.

#1021
Huh?! Yeah. Everybody does it.

#1022
Liberals, conservatives, doesn't matter.

#1023
This is America: you're either a duper or a dupee.

#1024
I'm a duper. You guys are the dupees.

#1025
I got to go. Where you going now?

#1026
With us now is local community activist, Frank

#1027
Reynolds, with a terrifying statistic.

#1028
Frank?

#1029
Yes. Thank you, Chet.

#1030
You're welcome.

#1031
Do you know that 90% of your water is 100% toxins?

#1032
Who knows what the other 10% is?

#1033
It's probably far worse, I would imagine.

#1034
It's really worse.

#1035
I have a water filter for you that you need to put in every

#1036
single home.

#1037
It will protect you and your entire family.

#1038
You can even give that water to your babies.

#1039
Wow.

#1040
Well, babies, look out, because

#1041
this next segment is just for you.

#1042
Don't turn that channel.

#1043
Your life may depend upon it.

#1044
Got to give it to him.

#1045
He is good. That son of a bitch.

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