Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E03 — The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 3 — The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award

#1
Just use 'em, dude.

#2
I'm not going to wear gloves while I work!

#3
I'm sorry, it makes no sense.

#4
It absolutely makes sense.

#5
You're a janitor who snakes toilets with his bare hands.

#6
So my hands get a little dirty from time to time.

#7
I appreciate the concern. I'm fine.

#8
It's not for you! It's for us!

#9
- Use gloves! - Use gloves.

#10
- Oh, look at this. Check it out. - What?

#11
The Restaurant and Bar Association's Best Bar Award is coming up.

#12
We could get nominated.

#13
Frank, we never get nominated for awards.

#14
And we don't give a shit, because they're stupid.

#15
Yeah, we don't care about that kind of stuff, all right?

#16
Am I curious as to why we never get nominated?

#17
Sure, yeah. Do I care? Not in the slightest.

#18
No, I don't care about it. I mean, all right.

#19
It is a little odd we've never been nominated.

#20
Yes, it's odd. It's…

#21
At some point it becomes a little aggressive.

#22
So what is it? We don't deserve it?

#23
We're not cool enough?

#24
- Whoa. - Whoa, okay, Frank.

#25
Now, if… If I do something, you better believe it's cool.

#26
Yeah, if I'm gonna put my name on somethin', it's gonna be

#27
- award-worthy. - Yeah.

#28
I can't imagine that other people are doing what we're doing better.

#29
I mean, it's serving up drinks.

#30
It's just upsetting. I'm sorry, I'm getting upset.

#31
- I don't care about winning. - If you wanna get a nomination,

#32
you gotta play the game.

#33
Nah, I don't wanna play a game

#34
- to get an award. - No.

#35
- That feels lame. - It is lame.

#36
Oh, is that your ass?

#37
Oh, closer to the hole, sir?

#38
Ugh.

#39
You know what's lame? Being around this long and never getting an award.

#40
Makes you look like a bunch of assholes.

#41
Mmm.

#42
You're really driving this home. It's upsetting,

#43
'cause now I'm getting the neck thing.

#44
I feel… I'm getting upset.

#45
- The neck, again. - Yeah,

#46
- your neck's going nuts? Yeah. - Yeah! You're getting that?

#47
They're making me feel like an asshole.

#48
They are making us feel like assholes.

#49
All right, you know what? We'll play the game. I'll kiss ass.

#50
- Yeah, let's play the game. - I'm okay with it,

#51
because who cares?

#52
- All right, fine. Let's play the game. - Sure.

#53
But I wanna be very clear about something.

#54
This literally means nothing to me.

#55
This office sucks.

#56
It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.

#57
- Yup. - It's the Restaurant and Bar Association.

#58
It's a stuffy organization.

#59
They're not in touch with the young people like us.

#60
Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.

#61
He starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.

#62
We should all spit.

#63
Look, we're not spittin', all right?

#64
Just keep your mouth shut and let me do the talkin'.

#65
- I know what I'm doin'. - Okay.

#66
Sorry. Sorry to keep you waiting.

#67
Frank Reynolds, Paddy's Pub.

#68
These are my associates.

#69
Stand up. Show him some respect.

#70
I stand for no one.

#71
Please, it's not necessary. Have a seat.

#72
You heard the man. Sit down.

#73
Well, now I feel like standing.

#74
But I don't want to stand through an entire meeting

#75
'cause I don't know how long it's gonna last, so I'll sit down.

#76
- Hmm. - It's my choice.

#77
With much dignity and grace,

#78
we've come to talk to you about the Best Bar Award.

#79
Now, in the past,

#80
our group has not

#81
paid you any attention.

#82
But now we are prepared

#83
to pay you what you deserve.

#84
In attention.

#85
If you get my drift.

#86
I don't.

#87
Ponder lettuce and shrimp.

#88
- Excuse me? - He's inviting you

#89
out to lunch, bozo. You gonna go or not, yes or no?

#90
Actually, it's 3:30 in the afternoon. I've already eaten.

#91
This dickhead doesn't want a second…

#92
He's being offered lettuce and shrimp. He doesn't wanna…

#93
- Do you eat once a day? - Everybody, I had food.

#94
All right, you know what, I am out of here.

#95
I don't need this limpdick telling me whether my bar's cool, okay?

#96
No, no! No spittin'.

#97
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#98
Look, how much is it gonna cost us to get on the ballot?

#99
- Ten dollars. - Huh?

#100
The entry fee is $10.

#101
All you have to do is fill out the paperwork.

#102
Why have we never received this form?

#103
Well, we've actually sent you the form many times in the past,

#104
and as I recall, it always comes back covered in fecal matter, urine, and

#105
- racial slurs. - Oh.

#106
- That was a joke. - Hey, that's just,

#107
all in good fun, man.

#108
That's just our sense of humor. You'll get us.

#109
Shut up! Let bygones be bygones.

#110
- Yeah. Right, right. - We're here now to play the game.

#111
- Yeah. - Yes. Playing the game.

#112
I assume you take cash.

#113
Oh! So sorry.

#114
That wasn't meant for you.

#115
- That was actually meant for you. - That was meant for him.

#116
We thought maybe you would think that was funny.

#117
Yeah, if it exploded in your face,

#118
but I can tell by the look on your face that you don't think that's funny.

#119
- That's not your style. - No, that's a shame.

#120
Yeah, that's sort of our sense of humor.

#121
Guys, he's not gonna get us.

#122
- I think we gotta get out of here, right? - All right, guy.

#123
What'd I say, idiots?

#124
You wanna get nominated, you gotta play the game.

#125
- We are playing the game, Frank. - Nah, you're not playing…

#126
We're just not vibing with that guy. He's a stiff.

#127
We were vibrating, but maybe at a different frequency than that guy.

#128
- I like that. - No, Frank is right, though.

#129
We're too fringe. I mean, yeah, it's given us a lot of street cred,

#130
but I think we've alienated a lot of people in this town.

#131
You wanna win awards, you gotta campaign for it.

#132
It's an industry award.

#133
- It's true. We know we're cool. - Mmm.

#134
And our customers know we're cool,

#135
but the industry doesn't get it yet.

#136
All right, you know what? Can you guys actually drop me off back at the bar?

#137
I'm gonna go work on the Best Song.

#138
What Best Song?

#139
The Best Song Award.

#140
There's no Best Song Award.

#141
What are you talking about?

#142
Well, that's all the more reason to do a Best Song, right?

#143
We'll be the only bar who did it.

#144
And that's a good chance. We'll cover all the bases.

#145
I'll tell you what.

#146
Let's drop him off either way.

#147
- Okay. Good idea, Charlie. - That sounds good.

#148
- Good idea. Come on. - What?

#149
Where you think you're goin', baby?

#150
Hey, I just met you

#151
And this is crazy

#152
But here's my number

#153
So call me maybe

#154
I can't believe that this place won Best Bar.

#155
I mean, who comes to this place?

#156
A shitload of people.

#157
Sudz is a super popular place.

#158
I can't believe how bright it is in here. I don't like it.

#159
Yeah. And what's with all the loud, fake colors?

#160
I mean, where's the subtlety?

#161
All right, let's go grab a drink. We'll suss out the competition.

#162
I'm gonna go find the manager. Introduce myself, give him this swag bag.

#163
What's in that bag?

#164
Ah, it's just stuff I had our names printed on.

#165
I got a bottle opener, a keychain, egg.

#166
- Why would you give him an egg? - It's like a paperweight.

#167
Trust me, Deandra. People eat this shit up.

#168
Look, you gotta play the game.

#169
- I know how to do it. - All right.

#170
- Good luck. Let's get a drink. - Yup.

#171
Hey, guys. How you doin'?

#172
My name is Greg. I'll be your bartender tonight.

#173
You ever been to Sudz before?

#174
You wish.

#175
- Don't think so, pal. - Okay, well, welcome, then.

#176
For our first-timers, I like to recommend

#177
our blended signature cocktail, The Blue Hole.

#178
It's served with three straws in a fishbowl.

#179
It's pretty darn good. Some people say it's better than an orgasm.

#180
Not that he's ever had one. Oh!

#181
Okay, Maxwell.

#182
Remind me to find a new best friend.

#183
Ugh.

#184
Two margaritas for table six, Greg.

#185
Hey, Amanda. What's wrong?

#186
Lemme guess.

#187
Your boyfriend canceled on you.

#188
Conference got extended.

#189
What can I say? He loves his work.

#190
Well, I think he should spend a little less time on his work

#191
and a little more time on you.

#192
Aw.

#193
- Thanks. You're so sweet. - Hmm.

#194
- What in the hell is happening? - What are they doing?

#195
Okay, sorry about that. So, one Blue Hole?

#196
Uh, well, let's see. There's three of us, so, three drinks.

#197
Yeah, well, they're generally shared, 'cause they're pretty big…

#198
- We said three, dickbag. - Get three!

#199
Mmm-hmm.

#200
- I don't care for that guy. - Me neither.

#201
- No. - Too soft.

#202
I want a little edge in my bartender. This is Philadelphia.

#203
What's with the, uh… What's with the black friend that no one is acknowledging

#204
is black… I feel like it's weird if you don't talk about that.

#205
It's strange to have one black friend and not be constantly talking about it.

#206
Yeah, shine a light on it. Make sure everybody sees and knows,

#207
like, "I have a black friend," and that's a thing.

#208
'Cause it's weird that a black person is friends with white people.

#209
- Hmm. I don't… - It's not that weird, but it's a thing.

#210
- Don't think it is. - It is.

#211
Here you guys go.

#212
- Oh. - There we go.

#213
Oh, drink up!

#214
What the hell was that?

#215
That's a Sudz alert.

#216
When we ring that bell, everybody's gotta drink, right?

#217
Yeah!

#218
I don't need a bell telling me when to drink.

#219
I'll drink when I'm goddamn good and thirsty.

#220
I'm pretty sure I know when to take a drink.

#221
Screw their stupid bell.

#222
I wish I had drank when everybody else drank, though, 'cause it seemed like fun.

#223
- Now I feel left out. - Can we drink now?

#224
- Let's drink now. - Together?

#225
- 'Cause I… - Now I'm angry.

#226
What are you doing in my office?

#227
Oh.

#228
You snuck up on me.

#229
Frank Reynolds, owner of Paddy's Pub.

#230
I just thought I'd come by and say hello.

#231
Pay my respects.

#232
Also, I got you a little goody bag here.

#233
Some trinkets, knickknacks that you might enjoy.

#234
There's a broken egg in here.

#235
Oh, shit.

#236
That wasn't the hard-boiled one.

#237
Hey, you want me to cook that up for you?

#238
Ooh! Goddamn.

#239
That went down easy. I like this.

#240
- Yeah. - Guys, I'm starting to like this place.

#241
It's growing on me, too. I like the chemistry that the staff have.

#242
Did you guys see that charged moment between Greg and Amanda?

#243
- Yes. - Boy, I tell ya.

#244
She's got a boyfriend, but I think she and Greg should end up together.

#245
- Ooh. - Hmm.

#246
I'd like to come back next week to see if they do.

#247
- Yeah. Me, too. - I mean, she is cute.

#248
- She is just super cute, right? - She's cute.

#249
- So cute. - She is very cute.

#250
- She's not funny, though, so. - Yeah, but no,

#251
but she doesn't need to be funny because she's cute, she's loveable,

#252
everybody likes her, and then, if she can tell a joke,

#253
yeah, it's just a bonus.

#254
Let's get outta this dump.

#255
Oh, actually, this place is not a dump, Frank.

#256
It's pretty great. Hey, hey, Greg, can you get this man a Blue Hole?

#257
- You gotta try this thing. - I got news for you.

#258
Our secret's out, and it stinks.

#259
This manager's been to Paddy's,

#260
and he said it's nothing but a bunch of people yelling over each other.

#261
- Well… - So what? That's what we do.

#262
We yell at each other, and if people wanna tune in and listen,

#263
then they're welcome to.

#264
Yeah, but I think that's off-putting to the customer.

#265
I mean, Greg would never yell at Amanda.

#266
All right, I'll tell you what we gotta do.

#267
We gotta up our game.

#268
We should host an industry night.

#269
Invite all the people who vote, who's in the industry,

#270
to come to our bar, and we'll show 'em what we're made of.

#271
Yeah, yeah. But I'd like to tweak a little bit

#272
of who we are and what we're made of, right? Soften the edges a little bit.

#273
All right. We'll tweak it a little bit.

#274
We'll show these bastards who's award-worthy.

#275
Yeah.

#276
Drink! Drink!

#277
Okay, guys. If we're gonna show

#278
these industry folks tonight that we're likeable,

#279
we need to have some funny banter like Greg and Maxwell have.

#280
Yeah. Don't worry. I'm gonna be zinging one-liners all night long.

#281
Uh, actually, Dee, you won't be zinging anything around,

#282
because men are intimidated by funny women. All right?

#283
So, what we need you to be is just pretty and benign.

#284
But we are gonna do a will-they-or-won't-they thing

#285
between you and Mac.

#286
- Dee and I don't wanna be together. - No.

#287
But the customers want you to be together.

#288
That's fun for them.

#289
Why would it be fun for them to watch two people not want to be together?

#290
Well, no. You do want to be together.

#291
The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together,

#292
but you do, deep down, want to be together.

#293
The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together.

#294
I need you to want to be together.

#295
- Oh. - Question.

#296
Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough

#297
to where you'll want to be with her.

#298
- Yes. - Okay. See, what I'm gonna do is

#299
I'm gonna shellac her with makeup, and I'm gonna blast her with light

#300
to soften up all those features.

#301
- I am into that, yes. - Yes. Okay, great.

#302
So. Guys, I got us banter cards.

#303
Mac, you're gonna welcome the customer in,

#304
and then I'm gonna execute with a quip. Let's give it a shot.

#305
"Hey! I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

#306
"I would like to recommend to first-timers

#307
"our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise.

#308
"People say it's better than an orgasm."

#309
Not that he's ever had one.

#310
I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms!

#311
I've had one with your mom!

#312
I will strangle you. I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!

#313
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, relax. Relax.

#314
Sit down. What are you doin'?

#315
- Okay. - You came at me.

#316
And I gave it back to you hard,

#317
- 'cause… - Uh, yeah, I'm getting that.

#318
Look, I'm just doing the thing.

#319
- Oh. - See?

#320
What you just did, that's how we normally talk.

#321
- That's very aggressive. - I came at you hard.

#322
You came at me real hard,

#323
and people aren't comfortable with that sort of behavior.

#324
That's why we're tryin' something different here.

#325
- Oh. - Okay, guys?

#326
Memorize these lines, okay?

#327
We need to seem like it's coming off the cuff.

#328
Right. Plus, she didn't even feel a thing.

#329
- What? - What?

#330
That's the punch line to Mac banging our mom.

#331
She didn't even notice.

#332
Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your timing is so bad.

#333
- He just said it. - Look, there's a timing concern.

#334
Look, stop. Don't do the jokes, okay?

#335
Let's settle into our new roles here.

#336
- Okay? Little bit of role play. - Change of plans. Change of plans.

#337
We gotta go darker with Industry Night.

#338
- What? - Edgier.

#339
No. Frank, don't derail us.

#340
We're doing bright lights, bright colors, and funny banter.

#341
- That's what wins. - Wrong.

#342
Artemis and I went to a burlesque bar last night.

#343
There were women strippin', but it was classy.

#344
It was dimly lit. They were serving martinis.

#345
Period costumes.

#346
There weren't a lot of people in there,

#347
but this bar has won a shitload of awards.

#348
Do you guys think that our location is the problem?

#349
- That could be it, yeah. - Hmm.

#350
Well, no. See, there was that bar that just opened last year

#351
right down the street,

#352
and they've already won a ton of awards.

#353
- Oh. Mmm-hmm. - Ah, right.

#354
Is it us?

#355
- No. No, no, no. - Us?

#356
- No way. - No, it can't be us.

#357
- I highly doubt it's us. - It's their problem,

#358
- not us. - We don't have the…

#359
Yo! Hey, hey, hey!

#360
I got it! I got it!

#361
Got what?

#362
The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song.

#363
It's amazing. Get with the program.

#364
- All right? - Yes, Charlie, please.

#365
We're all clamoring to hear.

#366
Whoa, they say the world's your oyster

#367
Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me

#368
You're the belle of the ball, but you ain't my cup of tea

#369
They always vote you best in show, but this doggie disagrees

#370
'Cause I like life in Paddy's Pub

#371
Okay.

#372
There's a place for me

#373
It's the place I go

#374
Where the beer is cheap and the lights are low

#375
It's Paddy's Pub

#376
I like Paddy's Pub

#377
Let the record show the greatest place to go

#378
Is that bar called Paddy's Pub

#379
I like life in Paddy's Pub

#380
- My goodness! - Hey, hey!

#381
- Well, well, well. My goodness. - Wait,

#382
you guys really like it? You're not just bullshitting me?

#383
I tried to go down the middle,

#384
- Middle America, Randy Newman… - Yes.

#385
Yeah, I didn't catch any rape references,

#386
nothing about spiders, nothing about ghouls.

#387
- No. Rats and cheese, or… - Why would there be rape?

#388
You're always talkin' about rape and spiders, so…

#389
You guys misinterpret it, but…

#390
Charlie, that was great. It was really great.

#391
- Hey. Yeah. - You really knocked it outta the park.

#392
Let's go down to the basement and get some lemons for the party.

#393
Oh, yeah! Sure, okay.

#394
I'm glad you like the song, man.

#395
- Are you locking me in here? - Yeah.

#396
Well, we just couldn't have him do that song.

#397
- No. No. - Doesn't make any sense. It's ridiculous.

#398
All right. Let's put on a good show.

#399
Hey, I just met you

#400
And this is crazy

#401
But here's my number

#402
So call me maybe

#403
People are starting to arrive.

#404
- This is great. So when a customer… - Yeah.

#405
- …comes up to you, keep it light. - Light.

#406
- Keep it playful. - Playful. Okay.

#407
- All right? - Y'all ain't gotta worry about me.

#408
'Cause I'mma be chattin' these fools up like a mug.

#409
Cool. Okay, thanks, Z.

#410
Yeah, I'm a little worried about him.

#411
We should've gotten a less intense black guy for diversity,

#412
but we don't have any in our roster.

#413
But maybe we could find another one, throw him into the mix?

#414
To counter Z's vibe?

#415
You gotta be really careful about the ratio.

#416
We get too many black guys,

#417
people think it's a black bar. That will not help us.

#418
- Black bars don't win awards. - No.

#419
I don't know why, but they don't.

#420
Loving these lights, you guys.

#421
I am glowing like an angel over here.

#422
Oh, my God.

#423
Hi, can I get a drink?

#424
Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

#425
I like to recommend to our first-timers our signature cocktail.

#426
Caribbean Paradise.

#427
Some people say it's better than busting a nut.

#428
Excuse me?

#429
Busting a nut.

#430
It's like blowing your load.

#431
- Oh, God. - He said it was a funny joke.

#432
- Well, no… Hold on. - Yeah.

#433
It's like coming all over you.

#434
- No. - It's light, it's playful.

#435
Yeah, well, no. I think what my friend is trying to refer to

#436
is an orgasm, which is light and playful,

#437
- but he overstepped himself… - Oh, yeah.

#438
…and got a little bit too specific.

#439
Sorry. We jizz in the drink, and that's what makes it light.

#440
No, no. Nobody's jizzing on anything.

#441
- Well, where do I jizz? - You don't jizz.

#442
How can I orgasm if I don't jizz?

#443
- No. Ma'am, I think what… - Just tell me where I jizz,

#444
so I can give this lady her drink.

#445
Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.

#446
Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.

#447
- Holy shit, you're late. - She was late.

#448
- Go back in your light. - Really? Okay.

#449
We're all set up back there.

#450
Deandra, grab a couple bottles of champagne. Let's go.

#451
No, no, no. I got it, I got it. Dee, stay in your light.

#452
Come with me.

#453
All right. Listen, listen, listen.

#454
What was that?

#455
All right. Look, look, look.

#456
You two do the charged moment, huh?

#457
- Will they or won't they? - Mmm-hmm.

#458
We are never ever ever

#459
- What's wrong, Dee? - Oh, nothing.

#460
- Lemme guess, boyfriend troubles? - Hmm.

#461
This guy doesn't know what he's got.

#462
He's really ugly, too.

#463
- I'm sorry, are you talking to me? - Yeah.

#464
I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.

#465
Okay, he's not ugly, all right?

#466
That wouldn't make any sense. That's… He's not ugly.

#467
- Dude's a total tool, too. - It's…

#468
You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos

#469
and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother…

#470
- What? Don't talk shit about my mom! - Whoa, hey! Hey!

#471
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop.

#472
- What the hell's going on over here? - I was just…

#473
That man is choking that woman.

#474
Get over here. What are you doing?

#475
This isn't will they or won't they?

#476
This is I know they won't, and I know I don't want them to.

#477
Excuse me, there's a guy crawling out of your floor.

#478
Oh, uh,

#479
that's okay. That's just our janitor.

#480
Uh, don't worry about it, gentlemen.

#481
- What are you doing, dude? - I broke out.

#482
Are you high?

#483
You put me in the basement with spray cans. I got high.

#484
Do me a favor, go back in the basement, okay?

#485
Get higher if you want.

#486
Just go back in. Don't sit down there.

#487
No, no, no, don't, don't. God damn it.

#488
- What are we gonna do? - Well, it looks like Z brought friends.

#489
- Yo, yo, yo. What up? - Aw, jeez.

#490
That's too many black guys, dude. The ratio's off.

#491
- Dennis, the ratio's off! - Okay, you know what?

#492
Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque. Remember?

#493
Burlesque. Yes, yes, yes.

#494
Hey, guys… Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

#495
How about something a little bit more upscale, yeah?

#496
Here, come with me. I wanna show you somethin'.

#497
- Yeah, this is classy. - Oh!

#498
- Whaddaya need? Put the bottle in! - Oh, my God. I did!

#499
Put it in.

#500
- Get the bottle out, get the bottle out! - I'm trying!

#501
Don't judge me. This is art.

#502
- Shut the door! - This is not art!

#503
Attention.

#504
Attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub.

#505
I'm a singer.

#506
- Charlie's doing the song. - Yeah.

#507
- The song was light. - Yeah.

#508
The song was light. That'll lighten things up.

#509
Do the song, dude. Do the song. Yeah.

#510
Please enjoy this song.

#511
There is a spider

#512
Spider, spider

#513
He's deep in my soul, soul

#514
He's lived here for years, years

#515
He just won't let go

#516
He's laying around

#517
He's got a mean bite

#518
Now he's ready to

#519
Fight

#520
And stand up for what he knows

#521
I don't need your trophies or your gold

#522
I just wanna tell you all

#523
Goyourselves

#524
Oh, shit.

#525
Goyourselves

#526
Whoo, wah-ooh

#527
- Is he spitting? - Oh, he's spitting at them.

#528
- Is that the sign? Spit! Spit! - It's a good sign.

#529
Hey, you!

#530
What is wrong with you people?

#531
- Get out of our bar! - We don't need you!

#532
Get out of here!

#533
I really mean to tell you

#534
you

#535
I don't need you in my bar

#536
- Beat it! - There's your damn award!

#537
Ooh

#538
Did you hear my song?

#539
I heard it. I love it.

#540
- Great song, Charlie. - Yeah, man.

#541
You know what, that felt good. That felt real good.

#542
I mean, I guess it is us

#543
- after all. It's us. - Yeah.

#544
- All right, it's us. - Yeah.

#545
Well, screw them, you know why? 'Cause I like us.

#546
- I like us, too, Dee. - Yeah. Well, because we're awesome.

#547
Yeah, it's 'cause we're good at what we do.

#548
- Yeah! - We do our own thing and we're good at it.

#549
- I don't need their validation. - No.

#550
- That's exactly right. - No, no, I'm happy with us.

#551
- Totally. - Yeah.

#552
- I really wanted an award, though. - I was dying for one.

#553
- Ah, that'd be so nice. - Would've meant a lot.

#554
Yeah.

#555
Drink! Drink!

#556
Okay, guys. If we're gonna show

#557
these industry folks tonight that we're likeable,

#558
we need to have some funny banter like Greg and Maxwell have.

#559
Yeah. Don't worry. I'm gonna be zinging one-liners all night long.

#560
Uh, actually, Dee, you won't be zinging anything around,

#561
because men are intimidated by funny women. All right?

#562
So, what we need you to be is just pretty and benign.

#563
But we are gonna do a will-they-or-won't-they thing

#564
between you and Mac.

#565
- Dee and I don't wanna be together. - No.

#566
But the customers want you to be together.

#567
That's fun for them.

#568
Why would it be fun for them to watch two people not want to be together?

#569
Well, no. You do want to be together.

#570
The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together,

#571
but you do, deep down, want to be together.

#572
The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together.

#573
I need you to want to be together.

#574
- Oh. - Question.

#575
Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough

#576
to where you'll want to be with her.

#577
- Yes. - Okay. See, what I'm gonna do is

#578
I'm gonna shellac her with makeup, and I'm gonna blast her with light

#579
to soften up all those features.

#580
- I am into that, yes. - Yes. Okay, great.

#581
So. Guys, I got us banter cards.

#582
Mac, you're gonna welcome the customer in,

#583
and then I'm gonna execute with a quip. Let's give it a shot.

#584
"Hey! I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

#585
"I would like to recommend to first-timers

#586
"our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise.

#587
"People say it's better than an orgasm."

#588
Not that he's ever had one.

#589
I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms!

#590
I've had one with your mom!

#591
I will strangle you. I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!

#592
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, relax. Relax.

#593
Sit down. What are you doin'?

#594
- Okay. - You came at me.

#595
And I gave it back to you hard,

#596
- 'cause… - Uh, yeah, I'm getting that.

#597
Look, I'm just doing the thing.

#598
- Oh. - See?

#599
What you just did, that's how we normally talk.

#600
- That's very aggressive. - I came at you hard.

#601
You came at me real hard,

#602
and people aren't comfortable with that sort of behavior.

#603
That's why we're tryin' something different here.

#604
- Oh. - Okay, guys?

#605
Memorize these lines, okay?

#606
We need to seem like it's coming off the cuff.

#607
Right. Plus, she didn't even feel a thing.

#608
- What? - What?

#609
That's the punch line to Mac banging our mom.

#610
She didn't even notice.

#611
Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your timing is so bad.

#612
- He just said it. - Look, there's a timing concern.

#613
Look, stop. Don't do the jokes, okay?

#614
Let's settle into our new roles here.

#615
- Okay? Little bit of role play. - Change of plans. Change of plans.

#616
We gotta go darker with Industry Night.

#617
- What? - Edgier.

#618
No. Frank, don't derail us.

#619
We're doing bright lights, bright colors, and funny banter.

#620
- That's what wins. - Wrong.

#621
Artemis and I went to a burlesque bar last night.

#622
There were women strippin', but it was classy.

#623
It was dimly lit. They were serving martinis.

#624
Period costumes.

#625
There weren't a lot of people in there,

#626
but this bar has won a shitload of awards.

#627
Do you guys think that our location is the problem?

#628
- That could be it, yeah. - Hmm.

#629
Well, no. See, there was that bar that just opened last year

#630
right down the street,

#631
and they've already won a ton of awards.

#632
- Oh. Mmm-hmm. - Ah, right.

#633
Is it us?

#634
- No. No, no, no. - Us?

#635
- No way. - No, it can't be us.

#636
- I highly doubt it's us. - It's their problem,

#637
- not us. - We don't have the…

#638
Yo! Hey, hey, hey!

#639
I got it! I got it!

#640
Got what?

#641
The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song.

#642
It's amazing. Get with the program.

#643
- All right? - Yes, Charlie, please.

#644
We're all clamoring to hear.

#645
Whoa, they say the world's your oyster

#646
Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me

#647
You're the belle of the ball, but you ain't my cup of tea

#648
They always vote you best in show, but this doggie disagrees

#649
'Cause I like life in Paddy's Pub

#650
Okay.

#651
There's a place for me

#652
It's the place I go

#653
Where the beer is cheap and the lights are low

#654
It's Paddy's Pub

#655
I like Paddy's Pub

#656
Let the record show the greatest place to go

#657
Is that bar called Paddy's Pub

#658
I like life in Paddy's Pub

#659
- My goodness! - Hey, hey!

#660
- Well, well, well. My goodness. - Wait,

#661
you guys really like it? You're not just bullshitting me?

#662
I tried to go down the middle,

#663
- Middle America, Randy Newman… - Yes.

#664
Yeah, I didn't catch any rape references,

#665
nothing about spiders, nothing about ghouls.

#666
- No. Rats and cheese, or… - Why would there be rape?

#667
You're always talkin' about rape and spiders, so…

#668
You guys misinterpret it, but…

#669
Charlie, that was great. It was really great.

#670
- Hey. Yeah. - You really knocked it outta the park.

#671
Let's go down to the basement and get some lemons for the party.

#672
Oh, yeah! Sure, okay.

#673
I'm glad you like the song, man.

#674
- Are you locking me in here? - Yeah.

#675
Well, we just couldn't have him do that song.

#676
- No. No. - Doesn't make any sense. It's ridiculous.

#677
All right. Let's put on a good show.

#678
Hey, I just met you

#679
And this is crazy

#680
But here's my number

#681
So call me maybe

#682
People are starting to arrive.

#683
- This is great. So when a customer… - Yeah.

#684
- …comes up to you, keep it light. - Light.

#685
- Keep it playful. - Playful. Okay.

#686
- All right? - Y'all ain't gotta worry about me.

#687
'Cause I'mma be chattin' these fools up like a mug.

#688
Cool. Okay, thanks, Z.

#689
Yeah, I'm a little worried about him.

#690
We should've gotten a less intense black guy for diversity,

#691
but we don't have any in our roster.

#692
But maybe we could find another one, throw him into the mix?

#693
To counter Z's vibe?

#694
You gotta be really careful about the ratio.

#695
We get too many black guys,

#696
people think it's a black bar. That will not help us.

#697
- Black bars don't win awards. - No.

#698
I don't know why, but they don't.

#699
Loving these lights, you guys.

#700
I am glowing like an angel over here.

#701
Oh, my God.

#702
Hi, can I get a drink?

#703
Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

#704
I like to recommend to our first-timers our signature cocktail.

#705
Caribbean Paradise.

#706
Some people say it's better than busting a nut.

#707
Excuse me?

#708
Busting a nut.

#709
It's like blowing your load.

#710
- Oh, God. - He said it was a funny joke.

#711
- Well, no… Hold on. - Yeah.

#712
It's like coming all over you.

#713
- No. - It's light, it's playful.

#714
Yeah, well, no. I think what my friend is trying to refer to

#715
is an orgasm, which is light and playful,

#716
- but he overstepped himself… - Oh, yeah.

#717
…and got a little bit too specific.

#718
Sorry. We jizz in the drink, and that's what makes it light.

#719
No, no. Nobody's jizzing on anything.

#720
- Well, where do I jizz? - You don't jizz.

#721
How can I orgasm if I don't jizz?

#722
- No. Ma'am, I think what… - Just tell me where I jizz,

#723
so I can give this lady her drink.

#724
Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.

#725
Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.

#726
- Holy shit, you're late. - She was late.

#727
- Go back in your light. - Really? Okay.

#728
We're all set up back there.

#729
Deandra, grab a couple bottles of champagne. Let's go.

#730
No, no, no. I got it, I got it. Dee, stay in your light.

#731
Come with me.

#732
All right. Listen, listen, listen.

#733
What was that?

#734
All right. Look, look, look.

#735
You two do the charged moment, huh?

#736
- Will they or won't they? - Mmm-hmm.

#737
We are never ever ever

#738
- What's wrong, Dee? - Oh, nothing.

#739
- Lemme guess, boyfriend troubles? - Hmm.

#740
This guy doesn't know what he's got.

#741
He's really ugly, too.

#742
- I'm sorry, are you talking to me? - Yeah.

#743
I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.

#744
Okay, he's not ugly, all right?

#745
That wouldn't make any sense. That's… He's not ugly.

#746
- Dude's a total tool, too. - It's…

#747
You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos

#748
and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother…

#749
- What? Don't talk shit about my mom! - Whoa, hey! Hey!

#750
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop.

#751
- What the hell's going on over here? - I was just…

#752
That man is choking that woman.

#753
Get over here. What are you doing?

#754
This isn't will they or won't they?

#755
This is I know they won't, and I know I don't want them to.

#756
Excuse me, there's a guy crawling out of your floor.

#757
Oh, uh,

#758
that's okay. That's just our janitor.

#759
Uh, don't worry about it, gentlemen.

#760
- What are you doing, dude? - I broke out.

#761
Are you high?

#762
You put me in the basement with spray cans. I got high.

#763
Do me a favor, go back in the basement, okay?

#764
Get higher if you want.

#765
Just go back in. Don't sit down there.

#766
No, no, no, don't, don't. God damn it.

#767
- What are we gonna do? - Well, it looks like Z brought friends.

#768
- Yo, yo, yo. What up? - Aw, jeez.

#769
That's too many black guys, dude. The ratio's off.

#770
- Dennis, the ratio's off! - Okay, you know what?

#771
Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque. Remember?

#772
Burlesque. Yes, yes, yes.

#773
Hey, guys… Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

#774
How about something a little bit more upscale, yeah?

#775
Here, come with me. I wanna show you somethin'.

#776
- Yeah, this is classy. - Oh!

#777
- Whaddaya need? Put the bottle in! - Oh, my God. I did!

#778
Put it in.

#779
- Get the bottle out, get the bottle out! - I'm trying!

#780
Don't judge me. This is art.

#781
- Shut the door! - This is not art!

#782
Attention.

#783
Attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub.

#784
I'm a singer.

#785
- Charlie's doing the song. - Yeah.

#786
- The song was light. - Yeah.

#787
The song was light. That'll lighten things up.

#788
Do the song, dude. Do the song. Yeah.

#789
Please enjoy this song.

#790
There is a spider

#791
Spider, spider

#792
He's deep in my soul, soul

#793
He's lived here for years, years

#794
He just won't let go

#795
He's laying around

#796
He's got a mean bite

#797
Now he's ready to

#798
Fight

#799
And stand up for what he knows

#800
I don't need your trophies or your gold

#801
I just wanna tell you all

#802
Goyourselves

#803
Oh, shit.

#804
Goyourselves

#805
Whoo, wah-ooh

#806
- Is he spitting? - Oh, he's spitting at them.

#807
- Is that the sign? Spit! Spit! - It's a good sign.

#808
Hey, you!

#809
What is wrong with you people?

#810
- Get out of our bar! - We don't need you!

#811
Get out of here!

#812
I really mean to tell you

#813
you

#814
I don't need you in my bar

#815
- Beat it! - There's your damn award!

#816
Ooh

#817
Did you hear my song?

#818
I heard it. I love it.

#819
- Great song, Charlie. - Yeah, man.

#820
You know what, that felt good. That felt real good.

#821
I mean, I guess it is us

#822
- after all. It's us. - Yeah.

#823
- All right, it's us. - Yeah.

#824
Well, screw them, you know why? 'Cause I like us.

#825
- I like us, too, Dee. - Yeah. Well, because we're awesome.

#826
Yeah, it's 'cause we're good at what we do.

#827
- Yeah! - We do our own thing and we're good at it.

#828
- I don't need their validation. - No.

#829
- That's exactly right. - No, no, I'm happy with us.

#830
- Totally. - Yeah.

#831
- I really wanted an award, though. - I was dying for one.

#832
- Ah, that'd be so nice. - Would've meant a lot.

#833
Yeah.

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