Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E05 — Mac Day

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 5 — Mac Day

#1
A reading from the Holy Bible.

#2
Genesis, chapter one.

#3
"God created the heaven and the Earth,

#4
"and the Earth was without form and void,

#5
"and darkness was upon the face of the deep…"

#6
Hey, buddy, do we have to be kneeling this entire time?

#7
Yeah, this is not comfortable.

#8
Yes, you need to be kneeling.

#9
It's 11:58, and Mac Day's about to officially start.

#10
I want there to be ceremony.

#11
Are we gonna be in the dark the whole time?

#12
My goodness, this is a lot of complaining.

#13
Charlie, can you please remind everyone of the rules?

#14
We are about to officially begin Mac Day.

#15
For the entirety of this day,

#16
we will forced to do everything Mac wants us to do.

#17
And if anyone is caught complaining?

#18
An extra day is added to Mac Day.

#19
If you cannot resist the urge to complain,

#20
you are allowed one scream a day into the ceremonial screaming pillow.

#21
That's right. Charlie, when it was your day,

#22
did I complain about searching for goblins for 10 hours straight?

#23
Well, ghouls, and, no, you didn't complain,

#24
'cause we found three. It was pretty sweet.

#25
We found none.

#26
We found no ghouls, we found no goblins, we found no gremlins,

#27
because they don't exist.

#28
Well…

#29
Guys, this whole thing was meant to bring us closer together,

#30
and by the end of it,

#31
you're gonna feel a little bit closer to me,

#32
and if I've done my job right, a little bit closer to God.

#33
Because I've modeled my day after the seven days of God's creation,

#34
making my one day feel like an entire week.

#35
- Oh! - Come on, man. Really?

#36
Three, two, one, begin!

#37
On the first day, God said, "Let there be…

#38
"…Mac."

#39
Seven straight hours of lecturing?

#40
Yeah, and five hours alone

#41
dedicated to the evils of homosexuality… From him?

#42
Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?

#43
- Of course. - How could you miss it?

#44
I mean, it was, like, shooting…

#45
Shh, shh, shh! Here he comes.

#46
Okay, guys, I want to introduce a new theme to the day.

#47
So I'd like to infuse the religious angle with the theme of badass.

#48
I quote once again from Genesis.

#49
"And God said, 'Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters,

#50
"'and let it divide the waters from the waters.'

#51
"And God made the firmament and divided the waters

#52
"which were under the firmament

#53
"from the waters which were above the firmament.

#54
"And it was so."

#55
There you have it.

#56
There we have what?

#57
Uh, the what… What are you saying?

#58
It's water.

#59
I'm saying "water," 'cause it said water, like, eight times.

#60
So, it's water. That's what the whole thing is, water.

#61
Water what?

#62
Water and badass, badass and water.

#63
- Ah. - Yes!

#64
We're doing a Project Badass video over the Schuylkill River.

#65
- Yes! Yes! - Ah!

#66
All right! Hey!

#67
Do you guys hear the motorcycle?

#68
I have another special surprise.

#69
We will be joined by my cousin all day!

#70
Your cousin?

#71
Yeah, my cousin from the country.

#72
I haven't seen him in, like, forever, but, guys, trust me.

#73
He's, like, the second biggest badass I know,

#74
so it's gonna be awesome.

#75
Country Mac coming to the big city.

#76
Country Mac!

#77
Hey, City Mac!

#78
Holy shit, there's two of them.

#79
Okay, I think I like this framing.

#80
I don't even know what it is you want us to do.

#81
Well, I'm gonna jump from the Strawberry Mansion Bridge.

#82
- What? - Yes!

#83
What do you mean, "from it"? To the water?

#84
- What? - Yeah, I'm gonna jump

#85
from the top of the bridge to the water.

#86
Okay, I need you to act like concerned citizens,

#87
but I need this to feel real, okay, guys?

#88
So, I need you to be neutral about the jumper

#89
prior to the jump, 'cause you don't know me.

#90
You don't know this man.

#91
But I need you to react at the same time

#92
because I need to draw the jump in later

#93
to match your reaction.

#94
You lost me there. What do you mean, "Draw the jump"?

#95
You're not jumping?

#96
No, I'm not gonna jump. Of course I wouldn't jump.

#97
I draw it in later because it's like a post effect.

#98
Well, what's badass about that?

#99
Your reaction is badass, you know?

#100
I want you to scream, "Badass! You know, "That dude is badass!

#101
"I've never seen anything as badass as that." You know?

#102
But don't say my name, 'cause you don't know this man.

#103
That's why it feels real, you know?

#104
Now, later, if you want to do, like, a Rudy-type situation

#105
where you carry me through the streets of Philadelphia,

#106
- you know, that's cool. - We won't.

#107
I can put that in the schedule.

#108
It's not a post effect?

#109
No, that's a practical effect, that would happen real,

#110
but only if it's organic, you know?

#111
- I'm lost. I'm lost. - This is a goddamn mess.

#112
This whole thing's a goddamn mess.

#113
You're not gonna be badass, but you're gonna…

#114
This is all sounding a little bit like a complaint from you guys.

#115
Who's complaining? We don't know what's going on!

#116
We don't know you.

#117
Mac! Mac! Mac!

#118
Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

#119
Badass! Badass! Badass!

#120
Badass! Badass!

#121
All right, Country Mac, let's do…

#122
- Keep it going. Keep it going. - All right.

#123
Let's do this! Let's do this!

#124
It's pretty high, it's good. It's excellent, it's gonna be great.

#125
You better jump quick before somebody tries to stop you.

#126
Trust me, no one's gonna try and stop me.

#127
Jump, asshole!

#128
Yep. See, in the big city, nobody cares whether you live or die.

#129
Jump, you pussy!

#130
All right, have a nice day.

#131
Okay, so I'm gonna run to the end, book as fast as I can to the fence,

#132
climb up to the top, stop, climb back down to safety.

#133
That's it.

#134
So, you're not gonna jump?

#135
I don't jump. Why does everybody think I jump?

#136
Nobody jumps. Evel Knievel didn't jump.

#137
Johnny Knoxville doesn't jump.

#138
Okay, this is big Hollywood stuff, okay?

#139
Just stand back. I don't want you to get hurt.

#140
Let me handle it.

#141
Oh, wow!

#142
Oh, there's a man standing on the bridge.

#143
- What? - Yes, he looks like…

#144
- Look at that. - His name is Mac.

#145
- No, we don't know his name. - We don't know it.

#146
His name is Rudy, I believe, you guys.

#147
That's what it was, Rudy.

#148
We don't know what his name is,

#149
and that's okay, but we don't know each other.

#150
- Hi. - How are you?

#151
Nice to meet you.

#152
But it looks like he may commit suicide.

#153
- Ah! - Oh!

#154
Suicide is badass.

#155
No, no, no, no, Rudy's not trying to kill himself.

#156
We don't know his name.

#157
He just likes to jump, I guess.

#158
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

#159
Mac is the one who's the badass, remember that.

#160
No, we don't… Will you stop, stop, stop?

#161
Everybody stop. Come on, guys.

#162
What are we doing?

#163
- I don't know. - We gotta get on the same page.

#164
It's so unclear. He gave us, like…

#165
Maybe just you talk.

#166
Well, whatever it is, we got to get on the same page.

#167
Otherwise, we're gonna have to do it over and over and over…

#168
- Did someone just go plop? - Someone just jumped. Someone jumped.

#169
He jumped! He jumped, guys! He jumped!

#170
The day's over, the day's over.

#171
Country Mac is gone, he's dead. Let's get out of here.

#172
- Look! Look, look, look! - What? What? Oh.

#173
- Whoa! - Oh, holy shit!

#174
- Oh, my God! - Oh, wow! Wow!

#175
Well, how'd that look?

#176
- Oh, amazing! All right! - Great!

#177
- How did it look? - How'd it look?

#178
- It looked badass, dude. - It looked badass.

#179
I cannot believe you jumped. Whoa!

#180
No, that's not really badass, guys. That's dangerous.

#181
Um, can we put him on our shoulders and parade him around like Rudy?

#182
- I'm feeling that now. - I want to do that.

#183
Yeah, yeah…

#184
No, no, no, no, no,

#185
I don't think that's gonna work anymore.

#186
That's not gonna fit into our schedule, you know?

#187
It was your idea.

#188
No, we're very full. We're very full now.

#189
This is not gonna play.

#190
We're gonna move on to day four now.

#191
Well, wait, wait, wait, wait. You skipped day three.

#192
Uh, day three is when God created trees and grass and nature.

#193
You know, kind of a bullshit day,

#194
so we're gonna move on to day four where God created the stars.

#195
If you look at the Orion constellation and then track across to the Big Dipper,

#196
you'll see a gaseous, cloud-like area.

#197
Okay, I'm gonna need you guys

#198
to go ahead and ignore everything that this clown is saying.

#199
God created the stars 5,000 years ago.

#200
Uh, who has the pillow? I need the pillow.

#201
I thought of a way

#202
that we can work day three into this experience.

#203
No, we're on day four.

#204
And, besides, there's no trees or herbs in the planetarium.

#205
- But there's herb. - Hmm?

#206
Who wants to smoke a J?

#207
Oh, shit. You brought weed?

#208
No, no, no, we're not smoking weed, okay?

#209
It's still illegal in the state of Pennsylvania.

#210
- Puff, puff, pass, bitches. - Yeah.

#211
Yeah, come on, Mac, shut up. I thought you were a badass.

#212
There's nothing badass about breaking the law, Charlie.

#213
This is gonna make it way more fun, dude.

#214
This isn't about fun.

#215
It's about fearing God, okay?

#216
I'm trying to convert you guys.

#217
Oh, my God, is that what this is about?

#218
You're not gonna convert me in one day.

#219
I don't believe in God.

#220
Well, you should.

#221
Because if you don't, God will make a flood or a famine, okay?

#222
He will destroy you with tornadoes and earthquakes and AIDS.

#223
Where do you think AIDS came from?

#224
Uh, hello, God's gift to the gays.

#225
You're gonna ruin this high, dude.

#226
Mac, I think you're a little confused there.

#227
I mean, yeah, sure, bad things do happen.

#228
But what about sunsets?

#229
Oh… Yeah.

#230
French kisses.

#231
- Oh… - The smell of rain.

#232
Yeah.

#233
That's why I believe in God.

#234
Yeah.

#235
Not because of the things that he takes away from us,

#236
but because of the things that he gives to us.

#237
- Oh… dude. - Shit, dude.

#238
You just ripped a hole in my mind.

#239
See, that's the God… I like that.

#240
I'm choosing that one.

#241
Excuse me, who's talking back there?

#242
Shut up, science bitch.

#243
Yeah. Yeah, shut up, science bitch!

#244
- Aw, dude, dude, dude. - Come on, man.

#245
He just said it. He just said it.

#246
He just did it.

#247
Oh. What the hell?

#248
Carbs-wise, this is gonna set me back, but I don't even give a shit.

#249
Yes.

#250
Country Mac's awesome.

#251
- Yes. - Yeah.

#252
This weed that he gave us is awesome.

#253
It's…

#254
- Yes. - Yeah.

#255
All these years I've been feeling like I hate karate.

#256
And, like, I hate Project Badass and, like…

#257
I hate God.

#258
Yes.

#259
But, like, I realize…

#260
You know what I really hate?

#261
Is Mac.

#262
Yes.

#263
Like, he's made all those cool things suck.

#264
Not only is he, like, ruining my life,

#265
but with all this God shit that he's into,

#266
he could be ruining my afterlife.

#267
Yes.

#268
I thought that one was gonna…

#269
Let me try.

#270
So…

#271
Yeah, I get that.

#272
Okay, I feel like we got a little bit off the rails back there,

#273
but I'm ready to get back on.

#274
Did you guys see the way Country Mac was riding his motorcycle?

#275
Badass, dude!

#276
No, it was reckless once again.

#277
I thought it was awesome!

#278
He was like Batman, just zipping through the cars.

#279
- Totally. - He beat us here by, like, an hour.

#280
Oh, I want to get a motorcycle, man.

#281
Dude, we should all get motorcycles!

#282
Okay, that's enough!

#283
Enough about Country Mac. It's still my day.

#284
- Yeah. - Thank you.

#285
"On the fifth day, God made fish,"

#286
so we'll just skip right past that.

#287
Yeah, we'll skip that. You're skipping a lot of days, dude.

#288
Well, you can't fit it all into one day. That's preposterous.

#289
You're the one who came up with the structure,

#290
so that's preposterous.

#291
All right, "On the sixth day,

#292
"God created the beasts of the Earth

#293
"and he made man in his own image.

#294
"And beholdeth the image of

#295
"God."

#296
Oh, shit.

#297
Okay, everybody grab some grease.

#298
Why?

#299
Because we're gonna grease up these beefcakes.

#300
- No! No! Come on! No! - Easy, Frank.

#301
Frank, you better take it easy!

#302
Listen! These guys work off

#303
their beautiful glutes for our enjoyment, okay?

#304
The least we can do is pay them back in tan and grease.

#305
- Greasing dudes. - Yep.

#306
- That's why we're here today. - I ain't doing this!

#307
About time you guys got here.

#308
- Hey, there you are. - Country Mac, man. Hey, bro.

#309
Listen, dude, can you get us out of here?

#310
Yeah, you got to get us out of here, man.

#311
Get out of here? I'm lovin' it.

#312
I've been gettin' phone numbers left and right.

#313
Oh, sweet, there's chicks here?

#314
Chicks? No.

#315
Dudes.

#316
I'm into dudes.

#317
Oh… You're gay.

#318
Loud and proud, brother. Loud and proud.

#319
Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that.

#320
There's nothing wrong with that.

#321
Honestly, it's, like, refreshing to hear.

#322
You know what? Happy hunting, bro, get after it.

#323
- Cool, cool, cool. - Good luck.

#324
I'll see you all in a little bit.

#325
Cool, yeah, yeah.

#326
See, he doesn't want us to grease them, you know?

#327
- God, that's awesome. - Because he wants them.

#328
Right. He wants them for himself.

#329
It's so much more comfortable

#330
- when someone's gay and open about it. - It's fantastic.

#331
And, like, I know we've never said this as a group, but…

#332
- Mac's gay. - Mac's gay.

#333
- He's gay. - He's gay.

#334
- I mean… Okay, smiles. - Hey! Hey!

#335
What's with all the chit-chat?

#336
Legs and hammies are drying up by the second.

#337
We got stoned and we're uncomfortable.

#338
We're trying to deal with the whole thing.

#339
You guys need to start greasing some dudes or I'm gonna freak out, all right?

#340
I'm gonna freak out, and I'm gonna add another day!

#341
No, no. We'll grease, we'll grease, we'll grease.

#342
We're ready to grease. Give me the grease.

#343
We'll grease the dudes and…

#344
Okay, that's what I like to hear.

#345
But don't blow your wads on these guys, okay?

#346
I mean…

#347
We still have the karate tournament.

#348
We're gonna watch you fight?

#349
Fight? No.

#350
No, day seven is God's day of rest and judgment.

#351
So I'm gonna sit back and watch and judge

#352
everybody else in the tournament.

#353
Hey, Mac. I'm drying up over here.

#354
Sorry, Big Moe. Sorry about that.

#355
I'll be right there. Get to work. Get to work.

#356
Come on. Yeah, okay.

#357
- All right. - Yeah.

#358
- All right, bud. - He's got the boner again.

#359
Yeah. Yeah.

#360
Well, at least this time it makes sense, huh?

#361
All right, listen.

#362
I got an idea.

#363
Ooh, I don't know about this.

#364
This doesn't feel right.

#365
No, this is good. This is gonna be good for him.

#366
I promise. This is the only way.

#367
- Oh! - Hey.

#368
I got you guys all notebooks and pens.

#369
We're gonna start with the yellow belts 'cause it's an inferior class.

#370
Actually, we've got a surprise for you, Mac.

#371
Yeah. We signed you up. You're competing.

#372
Huh?

#373
You're gonna go fight a guy. A black belt actually.

#374
You're in the tournament.

#375
No, no, I, I don't think that's a good idea.

#376
Mostly because I don't have the right gear, and I'm not…

#377
- You're wearing a gi. - You are wearing a gi.

#378
- Yeah, that is the gear. - That's the only gear.

#379
I notice you're also wearing a black belt.

#380
Now, you are a black belt, correct?

#381
Um, not technically.

#382
Um, only because I haven't subscribed to one

#383
discipline.

#384
But you are good enough to fight in a black belt tournament.

#385
- 'Cause you're wearing a black belt. - Of course.

#386
Shit, Mac, you can do it. Just go right for the guy's throat.

#387
I know I can do it. That's not the…

#388
I feel like you're talking a lot throughout the day.

#389
I know I can do it.

#390
So if you can do it, then do it.

#391
I'll sign up if Mac doesn't want to.

#392
I'm gonna do it. I said I was…

#393
I was never not gonna do it.

#394
- I'm excited. - Yeah.

#395
I'm, I'm really excited to see this, man.

#396
You are gonna kick that guy's ass, whoever he is.

#397
- This is cruel. - Oof.

#398
I can't watch it, you know?

#399
Trust me, this is for his own good.

#400
If he doesn't face this now, he never will.

#401
Yeah, it's too bad,

#402
but he's got to get his ass kicked.

#403
Yep. It's time for this to end.

#404
Hi.

#405
Okay, now bow.

#406
- Not to me, Karate Kid, to him. - Oh.

#407
- Bow. - Bow.

#408
Ready. Fight!

#409
Block, point, Mac!

#410
Shit.

#411
Guys, did you see that? I got a point! I got a point!

#412
No!

#413
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

#414
That was badass!

#415
He kicked the shit out of that guy!

#416
Well, I got the actual point. Did you see that?

#417
Who cares? You lost. Country Mac won.

#418
Yeah, but it's about the art, okay?

#419
Oh, the art.

#420
You got your ass kicked, that's what happened.

#421
I scored an actual point in an actual karate tournament

#422
and against an actual black belt.

#423
Country Mac beat the shit out of that guy with a beer and his T-shirt.

#424
Yeah, and where is he always getting those beers, man?

#425
That's the most badass thing I've ever seen.

#426
Out of the blue, he gets a beer.

#427
No, it's years of training finally paying off,

#428
and an uncontested black belt point is

#429
the most badass…

#430
We're never gonna hear the end of this.

#431
Stop, stop! Hold on a second, Mac.

#432
No, no. Listen, you got your ass kicked today,

#433
that's what happened, plain and simple.

#434
- So I want you to admit it. - Dennis, don't.

#435
The day's almost over. We only have a couple of hours.

#436
No, no, no, Dee, we have a lifetime of this to look forward to,

#437
and I for one can't stand it.

#438
You are not a badass, pal. Admit it to us right now.

#439
Get on your knees!

#440
- Get on your knees! - You are not a badass!

#441
- I have a lecture. - Oh, my God!

#442
Hey, what's wrong with you, guy?

#443
You got a problem?

#444
You got the problem, asshole.

#445
Look out!

#446
Shit.

#447
You bring a knife to a fight,

#448
you better be ready to use it, you jabroni.

#449
Just don't come back here, you punks.

#450
Aw, you made him look like a bitch!

#451
- Holy shit. - Nice.

#452
- Oh, you are badass, dude. - Very nice.

#453
How'd you know he had a knife on him?

#454
I gave him an ocular pat-down. Assessed the threat level.

#455
Clocked a knife in his boot.

#456
Oh, my God!

#457
Guys, I may have had a little bit of an accident in my pants,

#458
so I think I got to change out of this gi.

#459
He just gave that guy an ocular pat-down,

#460
- and it actually worked. - It worked.

#461
He made a lucky guess, and he put us all in danger.

#462
You made a poopy in your pants!

#463
Did anybody else do a poopoo in their pants?

#464
- No. Of course not. - This is our head of security!

#465
I don't need to listen to this, okay?

#466
I'm gonna change out of this gi,

#467
and then we're gonna keep going with the day, okay?

#468
I have a series of lectures that we're gonna get to.

#469
Go get the poop out of your pants.

#470
I can't wait for the lectures. Goddamn, man.

#471
The guy is in complete denial about absolutely every aspect of his life.

#472
And there is nothing we can do about it.

#473
- I say we switch him out. - Huh?

#474
Country Mac for Paddy's Mac.

#475
We send Mac to the country, bring Country Mac here.

#476
- Yeah, to the bar. - That's not a bad idea.

#477
I mean, look, we'd be safer with an actual badass in the bar.

#478
We might actually become a little bit more badass ourselves.

#479
We would become more like Country Mac, which'd be great.

#480
We have a lot to learn from him. We should all get motorcycles.

#481
And drink much more beer.

#482
And smoke more weed, you guys.

#483
And get in fights and do all those things.

#484
- Can we make this happen before he… - Let's talk to him.

#485
Hey, um… Hey, Country Mac,

#486
can we just talk to you for one quick second, buddy?

#487
Um, listen, we were just talking

#488
and, man, we sure would like for you to stay with us.

#489
I mean, like, stay with us forever.

#490
Will you be part of our gang?

#491
Yep.

#492
Uh… Just "yep"? Just, like… That's it?

#493
You're not gonna give a speech or lecture us or anything like that?

#494
No bossiness?

#495
No pontificating?

#496
It's not my style.

#497
I just go with the flow.

#498
Let the wind blow through my hair.

#499
- Yeah. - Oh.

#500
- Oh, wow. - I love that guy.

#501
Aw, look at him go.

#502
- Really badass. - Where's he even going?

#503
I mean, the fact that we don't know where he's going

#504
makes him all the more badass.

#505
- Uh-oh. Whoops. - Whoopsie.

#506
- He fell, huh? - Tipped over a little bit.

#507
Ooh.

#508
He's probably okay, though, right?

#509
Well, yeah, he just popped over.

#510
A little, little bump.

#511
He's fine. He's good, he's good, he's good, he's good.

#512
Country Mac lived a reckless life.

#513
He wasn't the kind of guy

#514
that could score a point in a black belt karate contest.

#515
And it turns out, he was totally queer.

#516
Which, as we all know, is a sin.

#517
And that, coupled with his radical religious beliefs,

#518
has most likely landed him in Hell,

#519
where he will burn for all eternity.

#520
Oh, wow.

#521
So I will ask for a moment of silence,

#522
in which I will beg God's forgiveness

#523
for Country Mac's evil, homo ways,

#524
while simultaneously doing a series of karate moves

#525
that I know Country Mac would've enjoyed so much.

#526
Well, guys, I think the real lesson here is that

#527
there's nothing badass about riding a motorcycle without a helmet.

#528
Right.

#529
- Plus, he was drunk all the time. - Yeah.

#530
You know what's badass? Being alive.

#531
Yeah. So, uh, what do we do about this guy?

#532
Namaste. Namaste.

#533
Okay, we will now pile into the car,

#534
where we will go to the countryside to leave Country Mac's ashes

#535
in a place that he loved so well.

#536
Actually, we won't.

#537
Because it's officially Frank Day, so…

#538
All right, Pee Country Mac.

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