Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E06 — The Gang Saves the Day

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 6 — The Gang Saves the Day

#1
This place has got the best hot dogs in Philadelphia.

#2
Once you nosh on these,

#3
you're not gonna want to eat another hot dog after this.

#4
Might as well get some snacks while we're here.

#5
I'm getting a beer.

#6
Well, don't grab a beer. We're on our way to a bar, which we own.

#7
- I'm gonna get a beer, too. - Are you serious?

#8
- Anyone else? - Yeah, I'll have a beer.

#9
- Of course I want a beer. Yeah. - Don't…

#10
All right, well, I'm not gonna be the only one

#11
not drinking beer, so come on.

#12
Don't move!

#13
Oh, sh…

#14
Open the register.

#15
Open it!

#16
Oh, shit, oh, God, we're all gonna die.

#17
Put the money in the bag.

#18
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!

#19
What are we gonna do?

#20
Put the money in the bag.

#21
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!

#22
What are we gonna do?

#23
I will shoot you In the teeth.

#24
- Okay. I… - Give me the money.

#25
Hey, bozo.

#26
Walk away now, and I let you live.

#27
Or stick around and repent for your sins.

#28
You better step your ass back.

#29
- And you better say "cheese." - Huh?

#30
Crisis averted.

#31
Holy shit!

#32
Mac, that was amazing!

#33
Oh, my God.

#34
Did you like my "say cheese" line?

#35
I didn't quite get that, if I'm being honest.

#36
Yeah, I was a little bit confused by that as well.

#37
It was a pun, 'cause I flung cheese in his face, you know?

#38
- No, I got that, but… - Yeah, but that's not really a pun.

#39
- No. - No, if you…

#40
If you had taken his photograph,

#41
- and then you flung cheese in his face… - There it is.

#42
- That would be a pun. - Yeah, you take a guy's picture,

#43
- you say, "Say cheese!" - That would've done it.

#44
Should I go get a camera?

#45
You know what? Yeah, he's missing the point.

#46
- It doesn't matter. - Let's get past it.

#47
What you just did

#48
- was badass. - Oh, my God.

#49
Now let's take a look at who this scumbag is.

#50
Oh, shit.

#51
Yakuza.

#52
Go, go!

#53
- Oh, shit! - Go!

#54
Oh, my God.

#55
- Hyah! - Hyoh!

#56
Mac, watch out!

#57
Hyah!

#58
Very impressive.

#59
Your technique is impeccable.

#60
Cool off.

#61
My God, Mac, that was amazing.

#62
And that's a great pun, dude. You used the pun right!

#63
- Yeah, you got the pun right, dude. - "Cool off."

#64
Huh? What pun?

#65
"Cool off!" And you kicked him in the fridge!

#66
- He's not getting it, is he? - No, he's not. Forget it.

#67
What is a pun?

#68
- You know what, move past it. - I'll take his photograph.

#69
Hey!

#70
What the hell is the matter with you?

#71
Why would you do that?

#72
I killed the boss.

#73
That's not the boss, you idiot.

#74
He's my father! He owns the store!

#75
Whoops. My bad.

#76
Now, is your throat okay?

#77
Is it… Is that from the smoke, or…

#78
Is that a pun?

#79
Oh, my God, Mac, no!

#80
Mac, Mac, listen to me.

#81
We're sorry for doubting your awesomeness.

#82
- Yeah. - I can't live without you.

#83
- Don't die. - Please.

#84
I…

#85
Don't…

#86
Forgive you.

#87
No!

#88
No, no…

#89
I love you!

#90
I love you!

#91
God?

#92
Hello, Mac.

#93
Those were some pretty sweet moves.

#94
Thank you, my Lord and Savior.

#95
Won't you join me?

#96
Is that seat for me?

#97
You're goddamn right it is.

#98
Oh, hey, Rex.

#99
'Sup, bro?

#100
So what do we do now?

#101
Now we ignore everyone's prayers.

#102
Put the money in the bag.

#103
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!

#104
What are we gonna do?

#105
Damn it, Dee, this is all your fault.

#106
- What? - It is your fault.

#107
- It's because of you. - How is this my fault?

#108
It just is, you stupid bitch.

#109
Guys, you thinking what I'm thinking?

#110
- Let's sacrifice her. - What…

#111
- No… - Sir, sir!

#112
- Please, take her, take her! - Taker her! Take the girl!

#113
Have your way with the whore!

#114
Oh.

#115
Let me blow these assholes away.

#116
No, no, wait, wait, wait, please, please!

#117
Please, don't shoot my friends. Listen, listen to me.

#118
Just give me the gun, okay?

#119
We'll work something out.

#120
Just give me the gun.

#121
Give it to me.

#122
There you go.

#123
- Dee did it! - You saved our lives!

#124
- You saved the day! - You're the hero.

#125
I'll see you in hell, boners.

#126
No witnesses.

#127
I like your style.

#128
We should team up. Us ladies need to stick together.

#129
I tell you what.

#130
I got your back for life.

#131
She did it.

#132
What?

#133
You bitch!

#134
You're dead! You hear me?

#135
Miss Reynolds?

#136
We need to get you into

#137
the witness protection program immediately.

#138
Let me ask.

#139
Are you good at playing characters?

#140
Hello, love, I'm your new butler.

#141
Albert Covington's the name.

#142
Is your mom about?

#143
I'm sorry, their mother's no longer with us.

#144
Oh.

#145
Well, then, it looks like I've come at the right time.

#146
Children, your chariot awaits.

#147
Ah, Miss Sarah,

#148
ham and cheese, no crust, just the way you like it.

#149
Ah, ah, ah!

#150
Who slayed Achilles?

#151
Uh, Paris, Hector's brother.

#152
Well done, lad!

#153
- An extra treat for you. - Yes!

#154
- Mr. Covington, have you seen my… - Briefcase, sir.

#155
Oh, Mr. Covington.

#156
You're the best, Mr. Covington.

#157
How long are you staying with us?

#158
Well, Sarah,

#159
something tells me I'm gonna be here a long time.

#160
Why is that?

#161
Your sweater's on backwards.

#162
Paper plates for dinnerHouse is a mess

#163
Life for a single parent Is full of stress

#164
Makes you want to put a gun In your mouth

#165
Or get real high

#166
But with a little help

#167
I think we'll just get by

#168
By now, everyone knows the remarkable story

#169
of Dee Reynolds, a government witness

#170
whose turn as a British butler was so convincing

#171
that it was spun off into the highest rated sitcom of all time.

#172
Today she is here to talk with us

#173
about her upcoming blockbuster Mother Earth.

#174
Tell us more about it.

#175
Well, this time I play a very beautiful woman.

#176
Uh, a warrior princess who saves the world.

#177
It's already grossed over $900 million in presale tickets,

#178
but I don't care about that.

#179
You know, I'm more interested in exploring truth through character.

#180
- Amazing. - Yes.

#181
And I understand you've recently become engaged

#182
to young heartthrob crooner, Josh Groban.

#183
When I found out that Mr. Covington was actually a chick,

#184
yeah, I had to have her.

#185
I mean, look at her.

#186
She's smart, she's sexy, she's hilarious.

#187
She pops.

#188
He likes his ladies to pop.

#189
That's true, Groban does like his ladies to pop.

#190
Isn't he cute?

#191
Sing her that song you wrote for me.

#192
- Which one? - The one you wrote for me.

#193
- Oh, God, put me on the spot. - It's great.

#194
Oh, you're gonna love it!

#195
She's got blonde hair

#196
She's perfect in every way

#197
Feet not too large

#198
Not too small

#199
Blonde hair

#200
She's gorgeous

#201
Not like a bird

#202
But like a beautiful woman

#203
Definitely not like a bird

#204
Oh.

#205
I love this man so much.

#206
Tell you what.

#207
I've got the feeling

#208
we're gonna be together a long time.

#209
That's how babies are made.

#210
But they didn't stay together a long time,

#211
their marriage only lasting a shocking 17 minutes

#212
before Reynolds met a new man

#213
who she claimed she had to have.

#214
I'll shoot you in the teeth.

#215
- Okay! I… I'm going… - Give me the money!

#216
Put the money in the bag.

#217
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!

#218
What are we gonna do?

#219
Give me the money!

#220
You're going about this all wrong, friend.

#221
What the hell do you know?

#222
More than you think.

#223
A fisherman always spots another fisherman from afar.

#224
Hard candy?

#225
Oh. I…

#226
I dares it… I dar-dar-dar…

#227
A crammy hand…

#228
A crammy handle bit.

#229
A crammy handle bit aye.

#230
Der…

#231
I love you.

#232
Oh, God!

#233
I…

#234
Am…

#235
God.

#236
I think he's awake. His eyes keep opening.

#237
Ah, I don't know, man. He looks weird.

#238
Can he hear us?

#239
No way.

#240
His eggs are scrambled.

#241
Mr. Reynolds, are you there?

#242
Blink if you can understand me.

#243
Where am I?

#244
You were shot in the head during an armed robbery.

#245
The bullet narrowly missed your brain stem

#246
and exited the back of your skull.

#247
Does… Does my dick work?

#248
No.

#249
Your penis does not work.

#250
Kill me.

#251
Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Reynolds.

#252
It's important that you maintain a positive attitude.

#253
Now, with a lot of hard work

#254
and the support of your friends…

#255
Ah, it appears they've left.

#256
Well, not to worry.

#257
We have a top-notch rehabilitation staff

#258
and they're gonna do everything they can

#259
to improve your quality of life.

#260
In fact, here comes your nurse now.

#261
Till now

#262
I always got by on my own

#263
I never really cared

#264
Until I met you

#265
Hello, Dennis.

#266
From the Channel Five News weather team.

#267
Once upon a time, yes.

#268
But I left that to do something more meaningful with my life.

#269
Now, what do you say we get you back on your feet?

#270
The forecast calls for sunshine.

#271
Come on, come on, come on.

#272
I can't do it.

#273
That's it.

#274
Use your strength. That's right.

#275
You're so strong.

#276
That's it. Good.

#277
- Oh, I'm so proud of you, yes! - Oh, my God!

#278
Yes!

#279
Yeah!

#280
Ah, yes!

#281
Yes!

#282
Yes.

#283
Jackie…

#284
- I need to tell you something. - Okay.

#285
I am in love with you!

#286
She's lucky to be alive.

#287
She broke her arm, few ribs, punctured a lung,

#288
shattered her pelvis…

#289
Compound fractures in both legs.

#290
Her breasts?

#291
Excuse me?

#292
What about her breasts?

#293
I'm afraid that they were, um…

#294
Obliterated.

#295
Believe me, we did everything in our power

#296
to try to save them, but…

#297
Now, look, she has a long, difficult road ahead of her,

#298
but you above all people should know

#299
that anything is possible.

#300
She is lucky to have you in her life.

#301
Could you give us a moment, please?

#302
Of course.

#303
I'm walking on sunshine

#304
Whoa oh

#305
I'm walking on sunshine

#306
Whoa oh

#307
I'm walking on sunshine

#308
Whoa oh

#309
Rest easy, my angel.

#310
Put the money in the bag.

#311
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!

#312
What are we gonna do?

#313
Let's go, buddy. Today!

#314
Everybody stay calm.

#315
I'll handle this.

#316
- What? - No, Frank. Hey, Stop it.

#317
Frank, don't be…

#318
- Are you crazy? - Frank, what are you doing?

#319
Hurry up.

#320
Move faster, or I'll shoot you in the face.

#321
In the bag. In the bag.

#322
I'm gonna shoot you if you don't move faster.

#323
Let's go.

#324
I don't have all day. Come on.

#325
You're surrounded.

#326
Put your weapon down and come out with your hands up.

#327
You're gonna have to kill me!

#328
All right, send in the K-9.

#329
Oh, get him off me! Goddamn it, no!

#330
Whoa, easy, puppy.

#331
All right, the girl's dead,

#332
but we can still save the others.

#333
Mmm…

#334
I will shoot you in the teeth.

#335
Give me the money.

#336
Put the money in the bag.

#337
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!

#338
Put the money in the bag.

#339
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!

#340
Waitress, no!

#341
You dick!

#342
Come on!

#343
Oh, my God, Charlie, that was so brave.

#344
Anything for you, my love.

#345
Charlie. What are you doing, dude?

#346
Huh? Nothing. What are you doing?

#347
Will you focus? We're in a serious situation here.

#348
What are we gonna do, you guys?

#349
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

#350
Yeah.

#351
What the… The big bills, underneath.

#352
Give me the big bills.

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