Home » Scrubs » S01E09 — My Day Off

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 9 — My Day Off

#2
So when you have a night off,

#4
- How's it goin'? - I have no idea who you are.

#5
What's up, dude?

#7
This is not good.

#8
First, I already told her I got a girlfriend.

#9
Second, you just put your bare lips on my ear.

#10
- How's it going? I'm... - J.D., I know.

#11
He won't stop talking about you. I'm Jennifer.

#12
Mmmm, Jennifer...

#13
Do you really spend every day saving children's lives?

#14
Tell the nice lady.

#15
I do what I can.

#16
It's on! It's on.

#17
It's on!

#18
Oh, yeah.

#19
I know two things about bars.

#22
I was laughing so hard, milk was coming out of my nose.

#23
I once tripped over an IV and blood shot over everyone.

#24
[record scratches]

#25
Every... uh...

#26
A little got on my nose.

#27
Every damn day, saving those children.

#28
Who wants margaritas?!

#29
Dude, less blood, more fruity drinks.

#30
Right.

#31
That's the thing about Turk.

#34
Dude.

#35
This girl's pretty hot.

#36
- So try not to blow it, okay? - Why do you say that?

#37
Because you're like a 24-hour convenience store. You never close.

#38
That sounds like a Fat Albert joke.

#39
Don't worry about it, I feel good tonight, know what I'm saying?

#40
Good.

#41
Except for this stabbing pain in my side.

#42
Up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.

#43
- Dude! - Oh, my bad.

#44
Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like,

#45
you know what I mean?

#46
See ya later, buddy.

#47
Poor Bambi.

#48
Don't worry. Carla will take care of you.

#49
Make sure he's admitted right away.

#50
All right.

#53
You know people die here?

#54
You're a good friend.

#55
Mm, I do what I can. Can I have your stuff?

#58
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#59
So did you talk to any girls last night?

#60
Baby, I'm an attractive man, we both know this.

#61
It's just a burden you're gonna have to live with.

#62
One of many.

#63
Ah... J.D. talked some girl up.

#64
Really? Are you gonna call her?

#65
Ew...! Euch!

#66
Not right away.

#67
All right, showtime. Clear out so I can check him out.

#68
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're examining me?

#69
I don't want you to see my unmentionables.

#70
I've seen underwear before.

#71
I use the word unmentionables for my genitals as well.

#72
68-year-old male with respiratory distress and...

#73
Save your breath.

#74
Hello, Dad.

#75
Never thought you'd call me that again, after I left.

#76
- Dr. Cox! - Relax, Carla.

#77
The man I'm smothering isn't really my father.

#78
Dr. Benson used to be the Chief of Medicine here.

#79
[muffled] Hi, how are you?

#80
Still have that great rapport with the nurses, huh?

#81
Carla totally gets me. That's why I've been systematically trying to drive her away.

#82
Did you ever see that therapist I recommended?

#83
Not yet, no.

#84
Shortness of breath? Dizziness? Problems urinating?

#85
No. No...

#86
Is it a problem if it whistles?

#87
Oh, you're making this so much easier.

#88
- Are you sexually active? - Oh, it's active.

#89
I'll write "rare dry spell" in the margin.

#90
Okay, time for the physical.

#91
C-c-cold h-hands.

#92
Suck it up!

#93
[choking noises]

#96
Oww! God!

#97
See, it wasn't so bad. All done.

#98
I'm still puking every hour and my fever's high,

#99
but you're sure it's okay for me to be out of bed?

#100
Look, Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor,

#101
so don't do that annoying thing.

#102
- What annoying thing? - When you talk.

#103
- Come on. - There it is.

#104
- Does that not drive you crazy? - You get used to it.

#105
I know you're excited with the gown on but under no circumstances are you to curtsy.

#106
He can say what he wants.

#108
[Cox] Dr. Benson.

#109
Just give us a second, will ya, big guy?

#110
Did you hear about her?

#113
Ho, hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, ho.

#114
[drum, cymbal]

#115
Any questions?

#116
Good.

#117
- He seemed nice. - Careful, newbie.

#118
I'm hearing it now. It is kind of annoying when I talk.

#121
So Elliot's exam was that bad?

#122
- Dude, she violated me. - In a good way?

#123
- What's the deal? - Aaagh!

#124
[Turk] I think I broke my ass!

#125
You're telling everyone I violated you.

#126
Not everyone, just the people that work here.

#127
And my parents.

#128
Was there something wrong with my exam?

#131
Well, you're kinda rough.

#132
Yeah, you're rough and you're a little businesslike.

#133
- You're cold. - You mean my hands?

#134
Yeah, those too. I just think you could be more comforting.

#136
Do you know how annoying you are when you talk?

#137
Maybe not.

#138
[man and woman shout on TV]

#139
- Hey, I was watching that. - It's broken.

#140
Dr. Cox.

#141
Did you get my memo reminding senior staff

#142
that lab coats must be worn at all times?

#143
You know, I did get it, Bob, and at first I just threw it away,

#144
but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture.

#145
So I made a replica of you out of straw

#146
and then I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket,

#147
then invited the kids in the neighborhood

#148
to come over and light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

#149
Uh-huh.

#150
So, I have been looking at Dr. Benson's chart.

#151
His chest x-ray was normal,

#152
his vitals are stable, so let's discharge him.

#153
Well, now hold the phone there, skipper.

#154
Now, Dr. Benson should be able to stay here

#155
until he feels he's ready to go.

#156
I mean, give me a break, he was only Chief of Medicine for ten years.

#157
Well, I haven't had my coffee yet,

#158
so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colorful way to say "Who gives a crap?"

#159
Actually, that wasn't half bad.

#160
[Kelso] Our next patient is a 26-year-old male

#161
who has presented vomiting, abdominal cramps and fever.

#164
[Kelso] Still, Rodin's masterpiece makes us wonder,

#165
why didn't he spend a little less time thinking

#166
and a little more time at the gym?

#167
[rusty clanking]

#168
I do cardio.

#169
Which most likely indicates what, Dr. Reid?

#170
I'd say he has a simple case of appendicitis.

#171
[Kelso] How would you proceed, Dr. Dorian?

#172
Well, for starters, I would give me that news in private, no matter how angry I was at me.

#173
Sounds like there's some fascinating back story here.

#174
Turf him to surgery. Moving on.

#175
You'd better watch it, Bambi.

#176
You don't want a 100lb white girl mad at you.

#177
You'll flinch every time you hear a Range Rover.

#178
I can't believe I have to spend all Thanksgiving here.

#179
Tell me that wouldn't kill you.

#180
Not really.

#181
Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in your homeland?

#182
You mean Chicago?

#183
You have a Chicago?

#184
Be nice to me. I'm getting surgery.

#185
Dr. Wen is the attending.

#186
Who's the intern doing all the work?

#188
♪ I get to cut you open ♪

#189
♪ I get to cut... ♪

#190
Go, girl!

#191
Go get it.

#192
And go, uhn, and down, unh

#193
and down, unh, unh, unh...

#194
Oh, good God.

#195
[Elliot] Mr. Davis, you won't be home for Thanksgiving

#196
but you'll be eating leftovers by Saturday.

#197
Great. And doctor, thank you so much.

#198
You're welcome.

#199
We've gotten to know each other over the last week, haven't we?

#200
I'd say so.

#201
As a doctor, you found me comforting?

#202
Oh, God, no.

#203
Come on, I'm pretty good with people.

#204
- You're horrible with people. - I'm warm.

#205
You're very cold. I mean, your hands...

#206
- It's like you're a yeti. - I have bad circulation.

#207
I do this all day and it doesn't help.

#208
Listen, sweetie,

#209
you're a very efficient, competent doctor.

#210
But your exams...

#211
Do you examine everyone like that

#212
or just people you feel have wronged you in some way?

#213
- I appreciate your opinion. - It's not an opinion.

#214
You see those guys right there?

#215
They're pretending to be asleep so you won't manhandle them.

#216
They are not.

#217
Dude, what are you doing?

#218
Too frank, right?

#219
I know. It's probably why my mom pushed me down the stairs.

#220
She is fat, though. And boring.

#221
[Carla] BP's 60 over palp. Is he having a heart attack?

#222
No, it's hypotension and electrical alternance on the monitor.

#223
This is tamponade.

#224
Viral infections can cause pericarditis

#225
and a rapid accumulation of fluid.

#226
It looks like a heart attack but don't let it fool you.

#227
BP's stabilizing.

#228
- What have we got? - Don't worry. We're fine here.

#231
Dr. Turk, if you will?

#232
We'll mark for the incision right about here.

#234
Dude!

#235
I'm about to bust a mad sliz-ice in your insides!

#236
Sir, I'd prefer if someone other than Dr. Turk performed the surgery.

#237
Fair enough.

#238
Dr. Cotter will perform the procedure tomorrow morning.

#241
- You understand, don't you? - Whatever, man.

#242
You want some salsa for that chip on your shoulder?

#243
I can't believe you. I would never ever do something like this to you.

#244
- You're like school in July. - What do you mean?

#245
No class.

#246
[roaring laughter]

#247
You know, you're not supposed to scare me like that, sir.

#248
It was just a prank. Admittedly, I took it too far.

#249
Well, I still laughed, but...

#250
I felt a little guilty I wasn't here administering...

#251
Hi-ho! I just came to check on my favorite patient.

#252
I must have the wrong room.

#253
- How are you, Dave? - I'm doing great, Bob.

#254
I owe you one.

#255
Hey, doc, you should go ahead and get some rest.

#256
I'll be out of your hair soon enough.

#257
Just a sec, skipper.

#258
You'll stay here until you decide you're ready to leave.

#259
For God's sake, you were the Chief of Medicine here for over ten years.

#260
Am I right?

#261
That was exactly what I said this morning.

#262
Yeah, it sounded familiar.

#263
Huh.

#264
- What? - I was wondering

#265
how you comb your hair so the horns don't show?

#266
I wonder what bothers you the most?

#267
Is it that I saved his life and he likes me as a person?

#268
I bet it's how much he respects me as a doctor.

#269
How does that taste? Bitter? Hard to get down?

#270
[thunderclap]

#271
- Here you go. - Great.

#272
Carla, everyone likes you so much, it makes me wonder...

#273
Why patients think you're a cold fish?

#274
- Oh, my God, you noticed? - Honey, they told me.

#275
Great. If anyone needs me,

#276
I'll be in the supply closet eating sugar packets.

#277
Look, Elliot...

#278
I'm not the kind of person who likes telling people what to do, but...

#279
Here's what you should do.

#280
Here's what I think.

#281
Here's what your problem is.

#282
Stop thinking of your patients as strangers.

#283
I'm dating Turk, I get it. Sometimes he is a big kid.

#284
But when it comes to work, he's as capable and mature as anyone.

#285
[Carla] Take those out.

#286
Baby, I was being a walrus.

#287
You have to realize J.D.'s not only your friend but a patient too, and he's scared.

#288
Kelso is just pushing your buttons.

#289
Every now and then you gotta let something go.

#290
Turk's not that mature. He spent all yesterday being a walrus.

#291
He had straws and stuff...

#292
The only thing J.D.'s scared of is sharks.

#293
And he has a weird thing with pennies. But that's it. He's not scared about this.

#294
Kelso's not just some harmless guy pushing my buttons, Carla.

#295
He's a pod person.

#296
- You're wrong. - You're so wrong.

#298
♪ Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong ♪

#299
♪ You're wrong ♪

#300
♪ You're wrong ♪

#301
I think you're right.

#302
I don't know how to connect with patients.

#303
Start by touching them, you know,

#304
holding their hand, or stroking their hair,

#305
or giving them a reassuring pat on the arm.

#306
What are you doing?

#307
Nothing. You'll be great.

#308
Darn right.

#309
There you go, sir.

#310
I'm sorry. It's my watch, I'll get it.

#311
Hi.

#312
Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me...

#313
See, Dave, at Sacred Heart we don't treat symptoms,

#314
we treat people.

#315
There's something on your back.

#316
What does this one say?

#317
"Never stop kicking me."

#318
And on the other side is my discharge form.

#319
Bob, you tried to discharge me an hour before I almost died?

#320
Well...

#321
How very clever.

#322
What? It wasn't me. In fact...

#323
I think you put it there yourself to get more attention.

#324
It was me. I put it there.

#325
Hey, buddy.

#326
Okay, forget about everything that's going on.

#327
We know that you're bummed out about missing Thanksgiving so...

#328
we decided to bring it to you.

#329
Wow, guys, thanks.

#330
Where's the food?

#331
Who wants the unmentionables?

#332
Aaagh!

#333
[echoing] Bambi? Your fever's spiking.

#334
They're worried your appendix might burst so we're going into surgery now.

#335
Who's on call?

#336
Dr. Turk, let's get started.

#341
Dude, could you not look over my shoulder while I'm doing this?

#342
It's a little unnerving.

#343
You've got a little fever.

#344
Probably atelectasis from lying in bed.

#345
- I'm really uncomfortable. - I'm so sorry.

#346
You're not gonna hug me, are you?

#347
Believe me, I'm done with all that.

#348
If it makes you feel better, I hate this whole touchy-feely culture anyway.

#349
Thank you.

#350
That whole "kiss hello" thing.

#351
Ew.

#352
I don't want anyone touching me unless we have sex.

#353
Even then I don't want them to overdo it.

#354
So where in Connecticut are you from?

#355
- Greenwich. You? - Darien.

#356
I'm really burning up here.

#357
Oh, God, that's fantastic. It's like an ice pack.

#358
Yeah.

#359
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.

#360
Are you at least close with your dad?

#361
You see this right here? That's his work.

#362
Pretty good for a man in a wheelchair, huh?

#363
[Cox] Doc, I'm sorry you gotta be here on Thanksgiving night.

#364
My wife can't cook anyway, she's 22.

#365
- What are you doing? - Forget about me.

#366
What's your wife look like? Any pictures?

#367
Not of this one.

#368
You know, being back at this old place,

#369
you know the thing I have found to be the most disappointing?

#370
I think I can guess.

#371
- You. - Oh, I...

#372
Probably because you do things like show up the Chief of Medicine,

#373
when anybody who's been in a room with Bob Kelso for more than two minutes

#374
knows how big an ass he is.

#375
Hey, go easy, I just thought...

#376
You don't think, Perry.

#377
You're such a talented doctor.

#378
If you would play the game even a little

#379
you'd be in a position where you could change things here.

#380
But you're too stubborn for that, aren't you?

#381
All right, kid.

#382
Gin. Your deal.

#383
Hi. I just need to check on your incision.

#384
- Turk, I was an idiot. - It's okay, man.

#385
No, seriously, man.

#386
I want you to know, if I ever need surgery again,

#387
I want you inside of me.

#388
I want to be the one inside of you.

#389
Look, J.D., I get it.

#390
To me you'll always be the geeky kid with the Pat Benatar t-shirt.

#391
Dude, she rocks.

#392
I just want you to know how serious I am about what I do.

#393
Did you stitch your initials into me?

#394
That's not important.

#395
It's still Thanksgiving for, like, 20 more minutes.

#396
Now, you can have ginger ale

#397
and a cracker.

#398
Mm-hm.

#399
Oh, I forgot. Your change. Two pennies.

#400
Get those pennies away from me.

#401
Happy Thanksgiving, man.

#402
I guess what they say is true.

#404
Like your brother.

#405
And your sister-in-law.

#408
Dr. Cox.

#409
[hisses]

#410
[J.D.] If you want, you can come down here and hang out...

#411
Nobody talk.

#412
Just drink.

#414
Just like Thanksgiving at home.

#415
Drink!

#416
- There was the Nina... - [Cox] Shut up!

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