Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E07 — The Gang Gets Quarantined

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 7 — The Gang Gets Quarantined

#1
Motownphilly's back again

#2
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

#3
Doing a little East Coast swing

#4
Boyz II Men going off

#5
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

#6
- Not too hard, not too soft - Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

#7
Back in school

#8
We used to dream about this every day

#9
Could it really happen

#10
Or do dreams just fade away?

#11
No, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop, stop.

#12
God, guys, damn it.

#13
I mean, you know, I need a little…

#14
a little buoyancy in the harmonies.

#15
I mean, listen to the lyrics, right?

#16
"Not too hard… not too soft."

#17
You were coming in pretty hard, I would say.

#18
The lead's got to cut through, Dee.

#19
I don't know, man. I thought we sounded pretty good.

#20
Oh, we sounded "pretty good."

#21
Oh, hi, super group Boyz II Men,

#22
please let us win your contest.

#23
We sound, eh, pretty good.

#24
Come on, man.

#25
If we're gonna open for Boyz II Men

#26
at the Boyz II Men concert, we need to dazzle them with our harmonies.

#27
- Mmm… - Okay.

#28
He's dead.

#29
Rodriguez is dead.

#30
Frank, will you get out of here?

#31
We're in the middle of Boyz II Men rehearsal.

#32
Well, hold on a second. I'll bite. Who's Rodriguez?

#33
That sweet old man from our building.

#34
This is the worst flu that Philly has ever seen.

#35
Wow.

#36
- We have to quarantine ourselves. - What?

#37
Frank, we're not gonna die of the flu

#38
because we're young and vital.

#39
You are old and feeble.

#40
Actually, Frank does bring up a good point.

#41
We can't afford to get sick right now.

#42
'Cause you know what you can't do when you get the flu?

#43
- Sing? - Sing.

#44
Yeah, I mean, I was gonna…

#45
You wanted to say it?

#46
Yeah, but I wanted to say it.

#47
Oh, shit, well, I'm sorry, man.

#48
Uh, do you want to ask it again, or…

#49
Ask us again.

#50
Uh, you know what you can't do when you get…

#51
Nah, forget it, it's fine.

#52
Quarantine, baby!

#53
All right, this is gonna be good.

#54
Everybody find a spot to put your sleeping bags

#55
and we'll be all set.

#56
All right, Frank, where we at, my man?

#57
Well, right there.

#58
You know, you don't have to sleep together.

#59
It's a comfort thing.

#60
Guys, I got to say, I'm excited to play quarantine.

#61
Oh, my God, for the last time,

#62
we're not playing quarantine,

#63
this is a quarantine.

#64
- Huh? - I'm gonna get so blacked out.

#65
Yeah!

#66
What are you talking about?

#67
Mac, do you want to lose this singing contest?

#68
Why do you think we're quarantining ourselves in the first place?

#69
To protect my life!

#70
No, to preserve our vocal cords, okay?

#71
Which also means no alcohol, guys.

#72
- What are you talking about? - Come on, dude!

#73
- That's crazy. - Wait a minute, that's a good idea.

#74
Because alcohol lowers your immune system.

#75
Well, why the hell are we quarantining ourselves in a bar,

#76
if we can't drink? We got to drink.

#77
Yes, hi, I'd like to order two pepperonis, one combo

#78
and breadsticks, like, a shitload of breadsticks…

#79
Hey!

#80
You can't do that.

#81
This is a quarantine.

#82
Nothing goes out, nothing comes in.

#83
Especially a pizza guy.

#84
Going house to house, handling money,

#85
banging lonely broads. They're filthy!

#86
All right, come on, listen.

#87
I'm gonna take all your cell phones.

#88
You lost your privileges.

#89
- Thanks a lot, Dee. - Just until the vaccine is replenished.

#90
He does make a good point, you know?

#91
Vaccines really do work.

#92
My mom used to vaccinate me,

#93
like, every month, and I never got sick.

#94
The reason you didn't get sick

#95
was because you and your mom would wear

#96
those ridiculous bubble boy suits during the flu season.

#97
Okay, what are we gonna do in here if we can't eat pizza or drink beer?

#98
Well, I'll tell you exactly what we're gonna do.

#99
Practice.

#100
Come on, man, you know, like, just let me do it.

#101
Like, why do you keep doing that?

#102
Why do you guys keep stealing that from me?

#103
Dum-dum-dum-da-da

#104
Dum-dum-dum-da-da

#105
Die-ya-ya-yada

#106
Da-da-da-ah-oh

#107
Yes! That was good.

#108
- That sounded… That's harmony. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#109
It was terrible, let's try it again,

#110
- let's try, let's do it again. - Terrible?

#111
We've been working this forever.

#112
- I think it's fine for now. - Yeah.

#113
You think "fine" is good enough for the Boyz II the Men?

#114
Ah, calm down.

#115
Okay, guys, I think we're focusing a little too much

#116
on the singing and not enough on the showmanship.

#117
Yeah.

#118
You know, maybe we should work out a couple of sweet dance moves, you know?

#119
What is that? Yeah.

#120
Like, that we could all do in unison.

#121
Or maybe we could wear the same outfit!

#122
Okay, yes!

#123
We'll create a visual harmony,

#124
same outfit, good.

#125
Oh, you guys, you guys, if we want to stand out,

#126
you know what we got to do?

#127
We got to focus on our story.

#128
Yes!

#129
Those competitions are all about how singing

#130
helped you overcome some major obstacle, you know?

#131
So I'll do, like, a stutter,

#132
and I'll say I got it from, from watching,

#133
like, a friend get blown to bits in Iraq.

#134
Ooh, ooh, you know what?

#135
And do it with a Southern accent and talk about Jesus a lot.

#136
- Yeah! - Good, good.

#137
Okay, so we'll be, like, a group of, like,

#138
Southern, stuttering army vets

#139
- with, like, a religious bend. - Mmm-hmm.

#140
Okay, and then we'll all be in the same outfit.

#141
Oh, we should be, like, carnies.

#142
- We're gonna be carnies. - Oh!

#143
- Religious stuttering army carnies. - Oh!

#144
- Who love Jesus. - And watched our friends explode on stage.

#145
And have pearls and sing…

#146
My friend exploded

#147
My friend exploded…

#148
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - It's great, no?

#149
Hey.

#150
No.

#151
Absolutely not. Are you kidding me?

#152
- What? - What?

#153
It's a singing competition.

#154
So can we please work on our harmonies?

#155
And not talk about dressing like army carnies?

#156
But then maybe one of us can be a…

#157
One, two, three.

#158
Goddamn it! Come out here!

#159
Come on out here.

#160
- What? What? What? - What is your problem?

#161
This.

#162
I found it in the back office in the garbage.

#163
It's still warm.

#164
This whole quarantine has been compromised.

#165
What… me?

#166
Come on… Come on.

#167
Why would I do it? You guys would suspect me.

#168
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a recent delivery you made to Paddy's Pub.

#169
I'll get to the bottom of this.

#170
Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?

#171
Spider-Man.

#172
That's very clever, yeah, yeah, yeah.

#173
Dennis, ask him how it's possible

#174
for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.

#175
How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph…

#176
I cut it when I found the pizza.

#177
Holy shit.

#178
Dennis is Spider-Man.

#179
No… no one is Spider-Man.

#180
Fine, yeah. Oh, yeah, it was me,

#181
the evil villain with the perfect voice

#182
who ordered the pizza,

#183
but, guys, you don't have to worry about me, all right?

#184
I can fight off whatever stupid illness

#185
this pizza may or may not have had, all right?

#186
I'm in perfect control of my body.

#187
Just like I am with my voice.

#188
I can go from flaccid to erect at a moment's notice.

#189
He can, I've seen it.

#190
Buddy, you're seeing it. You're all seeing it.

#191
'Cause I'm doing it right now.

#192
Flaccid, erect.

#193
Flaccid, erect.

#194
Flaccid, erect.

#195
Not too hard, not too soft.

#196
Come on, what are you doing?

#197
You're gonna quarantine me inside a quarantine, really?

#198
Oh, sh…

#199
Now, this is the look that I was talking about.

#200
You got the bow ties and the ball caps.

#201
It's casual formal.

#202
Yeah, right, right, right.

#203
Like, are they bat boys or are they butlers?

#204
You don't know, but it's like a sweet look.

#205
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma

#206
Ma-ma-ma

#207
What is he doing?

#208
Oh, I'm just warming up my voice a little bit.

#209
You guys should, uh, keep warm. Stay warm.

#210
- My God, I'm loving him in the bathroom. - Me, too.

#211
- I mean, it's great. - Yeah.

#212
Now, I did a little sketch of the outfit myself.

#213
And I wasn't quite sure what you were going for.

#214
Like, if we were all each gonna be a body part,

#215
or if you wanted us mashed in this thing

#216
side-by-side somehow?

#217
What are you talking about?

#218
Well, you said that we're all in the same outfit, right?

#219
So I'm trying to figure, like, who goes where.

#220
"Same" as in "matching,"

#221
not same as in jammed into the same set of clothing.

#222
Okay, not sure that's as good,

#223
'cause this really makes a splash with the crowd.

#224
Dee, what do you think about all this?

#225
D… Don't, Don't put me on the spot.

#226
I'm just, I'm just a Jesus-loving ex-Marine.

#227
That's really good. I mean, it's so, so sad.

#228
It's supposed to be sad.

#229
It's supposed to guilt them into voting for us, you know.

#230
That's not all.

#231
This Bible's a Bible of my daddy who just di-di-died

#232
in my arms of throat cancer, from eating

#233
some bad pussy.

#234
Hmm. Hmm.

#235
You just earned your spot at the head of the suit, Dee.

#236
That was really good. That was good.

#237
Frank, what the hell are you doing, dude?

#238
I'm getting rid of all this contaminated crap!

#239
Now, come on, you're going crazy with this food thing, Frank.

#240
We need to eat.

#241
We need to eat, but we only eat protected food from now on.

#242
Like, oranges and coconuts and snow crab.

#243
No! No snow crabs!

#244
The shells could lacerate your throats.

#245
Absolutely not.

#246
Okay, well, someone's gonna have to go out and get this food,

#247
so I'll do it.

#248
No, no, no! You can go out together.

#249
You can't go out alone.

#250
In case one of you get sneezed on,

#251
the other one can report back.

#252
Frank, tell you what.

#253
Mac and I will go out.

#254
And I guarantee we won't get sneezed on.

#255
All right, dude, first things first.

#256
Let's get some beer, man.

#257
You know, screw Dennis and his rules.

#258
The guy's, like, you know, such a dick about shit.

#259
Yeah, dude, he can be so controlling, you know?

#260
He can do really cool stuff with his dick, though.

#261
You gotta ease up on talking about dicks, man.

#262
Like, it's just… It's too much by this point.

#263
You think? Oh, wait a second.

#264
There's no… There's no opening to this.

#265
Shit, I'm sorry, dude. I forgot, there's no opening in yours.

#266
But my mom rigged hers with a special pouch

#267
so that she could have her cocktails.

#268
See? It fills up.

#269
Your mom rigged her suit so she could drink booze?

#270
Dude, you mom's an alcoholic.

#271
My mom's not an alcoholic!

#272
No, bro! She is, but it's totally cool,

#273
because it skips a generation.

#274
That's why you're not an alcoholic.

#275
That's not good right there, man!

#276
There's too many bogeys!

#277
Let's get some fruit, let's get out of here,

#278
let's get back to the quarantine.

#279
That's right, man. Let's get out of here.

#280
Whoa! Stop!

#281
What is this? I love it!

#282
- Huh? - What was all this?

#283
Oh, it's just a little dance move I've been working on.

#284
It's stupid. I was just practicing.

#285
No, man, that's sweet as hell. Show me that shit.

#286
- You like it? - Yeah!

#287
It sort of like a Fly Girl power spin.

#288
I've been working on it. It's a…

#289
You want to see the whole thing? It's sort of a…

#290
Whoo!

#291
Oh, shit, you all right?

#292
It's a balance thing.

#293
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You got a breach!

#294
Oh, shit!

#295
Come on.

#296
All right, all right! Close your pit!

#297
- Close your pit! - Don't tell Frank.

#298
- I won't tell Frank. - Okay.

#299
- Hold your arm. - Don't tell Frank.

#300
Hold your breath. Go! Move!

#301
Charlie, don't tell Frank!

#302
Look at all the hair. Look at the hair.

#303
It's like a goddamn barbershop.

#304
Be on the lookout, Deandra!

#305
Yeah, copy that. Looking for hair.

#306
Stop talking about hair, please.

#307
It's very annoying to me.

#308
That's what carries the disease, Dennis, the hair.

#309
We don't really need it.

#310
Look at us.

#311
We're evolving without it.

#312
We came from the apes, and look at us now.

#313
One day, we'll be completely hairless and totally pure.

#314
Yeah, you should write that down.

#315
What are you doing?

#316
Cleaning, cleaning.

#317
You know, you said scrub the place from top to bottom.

#318
And it was a good thing that I did, too,

#319
because I'll tell you what.

#320
Mad dusty up there.

#321
Yeah, good, good… Good thinking.

#322
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

#323
Were you eating pizza and drinking beer up there?

#324
Yes, Frank, I was eating and drinking in a ceiling.

#325
I mean, will you use your head?

#326
- No, I'm getting a little stir crazy. - Yeah.

#327
That's, that's…

#328
Yeah, it's driving you nuts.

#329
- Driving me nuts. - I get it.

#330
Right.

#331
- One more thing. - Hmm?

#332
That's not mine.

#333
Hey, Frank, are you kidding me?

#334
Goddamn it, it's just one beer!

#335
It only takes one germ, Dee.

#336
Oh, Jesus!

#337
Of course, how anybody thinks that a germ could survive

#338
a scalding hot pizza is beyond me.

#339
Oh, Dennis, you don't look good.

#340
Trust me, Dee, if I found myself getting sick,

#341
I would simply say…

#342
"Sickness be gone!"

#343
It's all here, you know, oranges, hand sanitizer,

#344
- basically everything. No snow crabs. - Good.

#345
Hey, where's Dee?

#346
Quarantined.

#347
There was a breach.

#348
No breaches on your end, right?

#349
- No. - No, no breaches.

#350
- Yeah. Everything's cool. - No, no, breaches.

#351
Yeah, everything was cool. Yeah, everything was good.

#352
Good. I'm gonna go shave.

#353
Get all this filthy hair off my face.

#354
Oh.

#355
Then when I come back,

#356
we'll play some games so nobody goes nuts or nothing.

#357
Uh, movie, movie. Okay, movie.

#358
Two, three, four, five words. Doesn't matter?

#359
Ocean's Eleven.

#360
Ocean's Twelve!

#361
Ocean's Thirteen!

#362
Frank, I can't concentrate when you look like this.

#363
You look ridiculous, man.

#364
It was What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

#365
That's where all the bacteria lies, Charlie, in your hair.

#366
That's why I shaved it off.

#367
Now it just flows off my body.

#368
You should do the same, mmm-hmm.

#369
He breached! He breached!

#370
His suit ripped in the store!

#371
He tried to do, like, a power spin, and it ripped.

#372
And he probably got sick!

#373
That's not true! Oh, you rat!

#374
This is bullshit! This is bullshit! I feel fine.

#375
You should stand over there

#376
'cause I think I'm really getting the flu.

#377
Oh, I'm… I'm sick as a dog already.

#378
Oh, if you guys are getting sick, then stay away from me.

#379
Holy shit, dude!

#380
I think we need to call 911 for you.

#381
Hey, should we work on our harmonies?

#382
Seriously, dude?

#383
I think we need to get you to a hospital.

#384
Does that sound like a man who needs to be in a hospital?

#385
- Yeah, dude. - From the top.

#386
Motown…

#387
Motownphilly…

#388
Ugh!

#389
Charlie? Charlie, look at that.

#390
Look how clean I am.

#391
Dude, you look like a shriveled raisin.

#392
It's all about purity, Charlie.

#393
Humans are filthy.

#394
Dirty filthy.

#395
All right, man.

#396
You got them mixing with beasts…

#397
fowl, rodents.

#398
People do what they do, man.

#399
What am I gonna do about it?

#400
When I get out of here,

#401
- I'm gonna clean Philadelphia. - Good.

#402
A giant cleanse.

#403
Well, good luck with that.

#404
Not the city… the population.

#405
Okay, well, go for it.

#406
I can't stop shaking.

#407
It's so hot and also so cold.

#408
What's up, what's up? Talking hot and cold?

#409
Mmm-hmm.

#410
Charlie, are you sick, too?

#411
Hmm, sick? Nah, Frank's all trying to shave me and shit.

#412
I'm like, "Dude, no way."

#413
So, I figured I'd hang out with you guys instead, you know?

#414
We're very sick, we have the flu.

#415
If you… If you stay in here, you're gonna get sick.

#416
Good. He deserves it for ratting me out.

#417
Please, Mac, I've been vaccinated for every disease in the book.

#418
I'm gonna be just fine.

#419
Oh, God. That's a lot of throw up.

#420
This flu is so brutal.

#421
Hey, guys?

#422
I think I might be coming down with something, too.

#423
Are you kidding me, dude?

#424
Like, I think you're gonna die.

#425
I think I'm gonna die.

#426
I've never felt like this before in my life.

#427
If I'm gonna die, I\'m gonna go down drinking.

#428
Anyone want some booze?

#429
I knew you drank cleaning supplies.

#430
No, dude, this is booze. I stash whiskey in here.

#431
Dude, you are an alcoholic.

#432
Whatever.

#433
Dee stashes warm beer in the ceiling of the back office.

#434
I keep a flask of creme de menthe behind the jukebox

#435
in the bar, it's not a big deal.

#436
Just drink, you know, because this might be our last chance.

#437
Bottoms up.

#438
I'm not getting it.

#439
So you crawl around on the bed, looking for minerals?

#440
Uh, no.

#441
If I'm looking for minerals, I got to be under the bed.

#442
Minerals on top of the bed doesn't make any sense, actually.

#443
None of this makes any sense. It's insane.

#444
You know, I don't know about you guys,

#445
and I don't know why this is happening,

#446
but I actually feel a lot better.

#447
Well, you look better. You guys all look better.

#448
I'm actually feeling better, too.

#449
- I feel great. - Yeah.

#450
How is that even possible?

#451
All we've been doing is sitting here and drinking.

#452
How could we have gotten better so quickly?

#453
Oh, my God, you guys.

#454
You guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined ourselves into the bar.

#455
At least since we got stuck in the bathroom.

#456
Oh, that's right.

#457
Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying?

#458
That we never had the flu? We were just having alcohol withdrawal?

#459
Yeah.

#460
Alcohol withdrawals! That's great!

#461
Is it great? It means we're all alcoholics.

#462
Ah…

#463
Right.

#464
What do we do with that information?

#465
What do you do with any information?

#466
You just stuff it deep down inside and keep an eye on it.

#467
You keep it.

#468
I'm certainly not gonna stop drinking.

#469
I mean, I physically can't.

#470
No, no, not at this point.

#471
We're in… We're in too deep.

#472
- Yeah. - I'm a… I'm a young guy.

#473
- Just kids having fun, right? - That's right.

#474
We got an audition to make.

#475
So let's bust this door down, Mac.

#476
What do you say, you want to roundhouse the door for us?

#477
I was gonna suggest that!

#478
Yeah, I know you were, buddy. That's why I said it.

#479
- Just do it and get it over with. - Okay.

#480
Hold on, hold on, though.

#481
If we don't want to break the door, I have a key.

#482
You've got a key?

#483
We've been in here this whole time,

#484
and you could've let us out?

#485
I didn't know that we were trapped in here.

#486
I thought we were just playing quarantine.

#487
What the…

#488
No, we're not playing quarantine. We're quarantined.

#489
- Let's go. - Just open the door.

#490
Yo, Frank! We're not sick.

#491
Yeah, we're fine, dude. We…

#492
Whoa. What the hell is this?

#493
Oh, shit, I think it's hand sanitizer.

#494
Hand sanitizer?

#495
- Where is it going? - Frank?

#496
Uh, why is there hand sanitizer all over the floor?

#497
It goes in here and…

#498
- Frank? - Oh, my God!

#499
What the hell did you do to yourself?

#500
I just want to be pure.

#501
God, what are we gonna do about this?

#502
Probably get him to the hospital, right?

#503
Yeah.

#504
Ooh, let's make a quick stop first.

#505
Motownphilly's back again

#506
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

#507
Doing a little East Coast swing

#508
Boyz II Men going off

#509
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

#510
Not too hard, not too soft

#511
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

#512
Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD

#513
Mmm-hmm.

#514
So, what do you think?

#515
In your professional opinion.

#516
You think we got a shot?

#517
We're talking about Boyz II Men here.

#518
- We want to go and we want to win. - Yeah.

#519
Boyz II Men? That concert is canceled.

#520
What? Why?

#521
Yeah, yeah, they all got the flu.

#522
Oh, son of a bitch!

#523
So we did this for nothing?

#524
Well, I mean, no, not nothing.

#525
I mean, guys, look, we came together in harmony.

#526
You know, if I'm being honest,

#527
I'd rather go back to the bar and get drunk,

#528
- than go to some, you know, concert. - Yes!

#529
You know what, guys? We can sing at the bar like we always do.

#530
- That's right. - Yeah, but drink.

#531
- Oh, yeah. - 'Cause I want to drink.

#532
And we got to stay healthy.

#533
- That's right. - We have to stay healthy.

#534
We'll always drink.

#535
- Well, then from the top, shall we? - Okay.

#536
Motownphilly's back again

#537
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

#538
Doing a little East Coast swing

#539
Okay, we've got to get that sanitizer off you, huh?

#540
You ready or your sponge bath?

#541
Shit.

#542
Motownphilly's back again

#543
Doin' a little East Coast fling

#544
Boyz II Men going off

#545
Not too hard, not too soft

#546
Boyz II Men

#547
Yo, these four new jacks is real

#548
- Boyz II Men - Smooth on the harmony tip

#549
Nate, Mike, Shawn, and Wan You know the mentality

#550
- Boyz II Men - Keep flippin' the gift

#551
The spotlight is on us now

#552
Watch us do this

#553
Da-da

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