Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E10 — The Gang Squashes Their Beefs

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 10 — The Gang Squashes Their Beefs

#1
Oh, there it is, Mac.

#2
- There it is. - I can't believeit finally arrived.

#3
Oh, my God, Thundergun Express: The Unrated Director's Cut.

#4
Thirteen extra minutes of movie in this one.

#5
And it's unrated. They were not able to rate it.

#6
This is gonna be the best Thanksgiving ever.

#7
Oh, yeah, absolutely, man.

#8
Thundergun, hoagies

#9
and four extra seconds dedicated solely to the dong shot.

#10
Buddy, that's what I'm thankful for.

#11
So much better than a traditional Thanksgiving.

#12
Oh, yeah, dude, I hate Thanksgiving.

#13
What is that? What am I supposed to be thankful for exactly?

#14
Who am I meant to be thanking, right?

#15
I've had to scratch and claw for everything I've got.

#16
- If anything, I should be thanking myself. - Yeah.

#17
Hey, man.

#18
Welcome to Mahndo Video.

#19
How may we help you?

#20
What are you guys doing here?

#21
We own the store. We bought this bitch.

#22
We wanted to invest in an emerging market.

#23
An emerging market? Video stores are a dying market.

#24
This is, like, one of the only ones left.

#25
Then we're gonna corner that market.

#26
Okay. Whatever. Liam, what is on your eye?

#27
Someone ate my eye at my wedding. Don't you remember, man?

#28
The eyepatch is flesh-colored to make people less uncomfortable.

#29
I'm way more uncomfortable.

#30
Yeah, absolutely. You look like a man who was born without an eye, which is

#31
- way creepier than a man who lost one. - Yeah.

#32
Just get a black eyepatch, you know? Embrace it. Losing an eye is badass.

#33
It's not badass. I have no depth perception!

#34
- It's all your fault. - What are you…

#35
How is it our fault? What are you talking about?

#36
Let's not get into a whole thing about missing eyes and whose fault they are.

#37
We'll just rent the video, and we'll be out of here.

#38
You are not renting shit.

#39
You are not welcome in this store.

#40
Your video-renting days are over!

#41
No, come on, don't do that, dude.

#42
It's not even… It's not even close. I mean, I…

#43
- Let me get that for you. - Thanks, man.

#44
Don't cut… Don't…

#45
Goddamn it.

#46
All right, look, just pay the man already. We'll be done with it.

#47
It's freezing in there.

#48
No can do, Charlie.

#49
It's the principle of the thing.

#50
You guys having a principle fight?

#51
No, we're not having a principle fight.

#52
We're having a heat fight, okay?

#53
'Cause our heat's broken, and Hwang won't fix it until this guy pays the rent.

#54
This guy's not gonna pay the rent till Hwang fixes the heat.

#55
So you got one of those snafus,

#56
- where you got old assholes… - It's a deadlock.

#57
It's a deadlock of butting heads.

#58
We got a disaster on our hands, a disaster.

#59
The McPoyles bought Mahndo Video. They revoked our membership.

#60
- You didn't get Thundergun? - Nope.

#61
- We didn't get shit! - Aw…

#62
Hang on.

#63
Dee, why do our hoagies reek of gasoline?

#64
Maybe 'cause I got 'em at the gas station, I guess.

#65
Why?

#66
Why didn't you get the ones we like from the Wawa?

#67
Because Gail the Snail works at the Wawa, okay?

#68
And we got mad beef. She won't serve me.

#69
- Oh, my God. - This is a mess.

#70
This a mess. We can't get the sandwiches we want,

#71
we can't get the videos we want, my apartment's an icebox.

#72
Thanksgiving's gonna be ruined, you know.

#73
It's not just Thanksgiving, pal.

#74
You know what the real problem is?

#75
We have too many beefs all over town.

#76
It's jamming us up.

#77
- We made a lot of enemies over the years. - We have made enemies.

#78
We got to do something about this, guys, okay?

#79
So I say we use Thanksgiving as an opportunity

#80
to squash some of those beefs.

#81
All right, guys, this is really coming together.

#82
It's looking good.

#83
You know, this was the original meaning of Thanksgiving anyway.

#84
The Pilgrims and Indians had beef.

#85
So what did they do?

#86
They got together, they sat at a table,

#87
they ate some delicious food and they squashed that beef.

#88
And that's exactly what we're gonna do.

#89
Mac and I are gonna squash the McPoyle beef,

#90
you guys are gonna squash Hwang…

#91
And you guys are gonna squash with Bruce.

#92
- What? - Say what?

#93
Bruce Mathis, I invited him.

#94
- What? What? - Why would you do that?

#95
Because he is your dad, and Thanksgiving is a holiday for families.

#96
I also invited Charlie's mom, my mom and my dad, but they didn't want to come.

#97
- So just Bruce? - You know what? It's okay.

#98
We'll manage very carefully, and it'll be fine.

#99
Hey, maybe we can squeeze some money out of the guy.

#100
I'm confused though. In this whole scenario

#101
with the Pilgrim and the Indians, which one are we?

#102
The Pilgrims.

#103
- They came out on top. - I don't know about that, Frank.

#104
The Indians, they've got sports teams, they've got casinos.

#105
They're a very celebrated people.

#106
Yeah, that's true, actually. You don't see people walking around

#107
with the tall hat with a buckle on the front.

#108
Makes no difference, though, in our scenario

#109
with what we're trying to accomplish here, okay? They buried the hatchet.

#110
That's what they did, and that's what we're gonna do.

#111
Okay, so, to that end, here's the plan,

#112
once the guests arrive, we will ply them with liquor

#113
and then I will present to them this peace treaty that I will have them sign.

#114
Why do you always want people to sign creepy documents?

#115
Well, Frank, once something's in writing, that means it's set in stone.

#116
Then no one can do anything to stop me.

#117
When do you want me to serve the squash and the beef?

#118
So we're literally serving squash and beef?

#119
You said we're squashing beef.

#120
I thought it would be part of the ceremony to have squash and beef.

#121
Yeah, it's all about the ceremony.

#122
That's why I got this bucket of dirt and a hatchet,

#123
so we can have a ceremonial burying of the hatchet.

#124
Right. And after we do that,

#125
we're going to wipe the slate clean.

#126
Wait, no, guys, look, this is all very on the nose and totally unnecessary.

#127
- Where's food? - Walk right in, why don't you, Hwang?

#128
Thanksgiving, food.

#129
Yeah, Thanksgiving. There'll be food, Hwang.

#130
Have a seat, have a seat, man!

#131
- What do you live in, a barn? - Have a seat, Hwang.

#132
All right, guys, listen, regroup, regroup.

#133
Let's put on some music, lighten the mood and get this party started.

#134
- Dee. - Hmm.

#135
- Go break the ice. - What?

#136
- Yeah. - Why me?

#137
Yeah, yeah, someone's got to do it. Just go to go over there…

#138
Go, go, go.

#139
- Some good crackers. - Huh?

#140
Mmm. Mmm.

#141
- They are delicious. - Yeah.

#142
What's wrong? Is it the eye?

#143
Why would… I don't even know why you would say that.

#144
- They made me feel self-conscious. - Did they?

#145
I don't…

#146
Yeah. Is it off-putting? Or does it look real?

#147
The skin tone is a… Is a…

#148
A good match.

#149
Oh, well, when you move the other one,

#150
I guess I can tell a little bit, if I'm being honest.

#151
Hey, turkeys, gobble, gobble.

#152
Cricket, what the hell are you doing here?

#153
Word around town is you guys are squashing beef.

#154
We don't have beef with you.

#155
You don't have beef with me?

#156
I was a priest before I got involved with you guys. Unbelievable.

#157
Look, we have enough on our plate right now, Crick.

#158
- Yeah. - Come on, guys, let me stay.

#159
I'll eat the gristle.

#160
You can eat it off the floor like a dog, how 'bout that?

#161
- Now you're just creating more beef. - I don't mind.

#162
Woof, woof, baby.

#163
- Great. - Look at that. Beef squashed, huh?

#164
- Beef squashed. - Okay, wait, wait, hold on a second.

#165
Here, sign this treaty.

#166
- Mmm, yeah. - It'll be official.

#167
- Good. - Boom! All right, get out of here.

#168
- Go, go, go. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#169
Okay, let's get started.

#170
I really like your room, Mac.

#171
- Thank you. - Yeah, great. Have a seat, guys.

#172
Um, now, I…

#173
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, a little to the…

#174
To your right. Okay, good.

#175
Now, I know we've had our differences in the past.

#176
Things have been a little tense between us.

#177
What is this?

#178
- What is what? - Standing.

#179
What's with the standing?

#180
You're lording.

#181
We're not lording, we're just having a conversation.

#182
- Yeah, we're just… - Some kind of a status thing?

#183
- A power move? - Some kind of power play?

#184
- Come on, guys. No. - It's not a power move!

#185
We're having a conversation. There's one chair.

#186
- Bring it down. - Just bring it down on the haunches.

#187
- You want us to squat? - Haunch it.

#188
Oh, Christ, fine.

#189
- Just do it, just do it. - All right, look…

#190
Give him the…

#191
Guys, look, I know we've had our differences in the past.

#192
Things have been very, very awkward,

#193
but it's time for us to move forward with our relationship, all right?

#194
It's time to hit the reset button, wouldn't you say?

#195
Here's this. Open it up.

#196
- Mmm-hmm. - It's your gift.

#197
What the hell is this?

#198
It's a peace treaty. We need you to sign that.

#199
I thought I was getting an eye.

#200
An eye?

#201
Why would you think that?

#202
You kept making comments. You were hinting about eyes.

#203
We're not giving you an eye!

#204
Where the Christ would we get an eye?

#205
And if we did get an eye, how would we attach it to you?

#206
I'm not signing shit until I get an eye. You owe me.

#207
- Give him your eye. - You want me to give him my eye?

#208
- Mmm-hmm. - You realize how preposterous that is?

#209
Okay, then apologize.

#210
Apologize for what?

#211
For everything! For all of it!

#212
- This isn't… It's not about apology. - We're not apologizing.

#213
We're not apologizing, okay? Nobody's apologizing.

#214
No one's admitting guilt or anything.

#215
We've all done something wrong.

#216
Okay, it's just about…

#217
It's just about, like, you know, moving forward, moving on.

#218
Look, all you have to do is apologize, and I'll sign it.

#219
Give us a second.

#220
All right.

#221
- How are we gonna get this eye? - I don't know.

#222
Come on, come on, give me some.

#223
Eat the… Eat the,

#224
you know, the skins if you got to eat something.

#225
I'll eat the skins. I'll always eat the skins. I love the skins.

#226
It's where all the vitamins are.

#227
What kind of meat is that, Charlie? Doesn't smell right.

#228
It's not grade A meat. You know, I'm not gonna get grade A meat.

#229
Why are you guys hovering? Don't hover. Answer the door!

#230
Get the door!

#231
All right.

#232
Yeah, all right!

#233
I'm gonna fight with you.

#234
What?

#235
Snail, what the hell are you doing here? Who invited you?

#236
Dee, we invited her, okay? Enough is enough.

#237
You got to squash it with Snail, all right?

#238
- We want to go to the Wawa again. - Goddamn it.

#239
Hey, you want some beef? You want some squash?

#240
You want to pack some beef?

#241
Listen, could you just swallow your spit and then breathe,

#242
- and then we can talk? - Then breathe, and close your mouth.

#243
- Oh! Oh! Oh! See a doctor! - Oh, my God, it was sad for a second,

#244
and now it's right back to… Rah, making me do the…

#245
Go see a doctor.

#246
- All right, oh, let's just… - All right, hold on. Um…

#247
Let's compromise. Is there something that we can do to just,

#248
you know, patch this up between you and Dee?

#249
I want her to be my best friend, yo.

#250
Oh, well, you know what? That's not gonna happen, so…

#251
That's too much.

#252
- Okay… - Hang on, hang on, hang on.

#253
Is there a compromise? Is there anything?

#254
How about just for today?

#255
- Just for today? - Together.

#256
Okay, and then I get my convenience store to be convenient to me again,

#257
- that's the deal? - Word is bond, yo.

#258
Okay. Okay, yeah, that sounds good, let's do it.

#259
- All right, good. - Yes, okay.

#260
Frank, Hwang, you're up. Let's go.

#261
All right, well, somebody say something.

#262
These crackers need more salt.

#263
I agree.

#264
Okay, well…

#265
They're extremely salty, but good. That's a start.

#266
I mean, you know, you guys agree about something.

#267
- Hey! All right. - My doctor say no salt.

#268
Mine, too.

#269
Doctors are shit!

#270
Goddamn medicine men,

#271
trying to tell me how to eat my food.

#272
They're all shit.

#273
Well, look at that.

#274
You guys agree about something! Look at you two,

#275
two extremely hard-headed, unhealthy old men who refuse to listen to doctors.

#276
Come on, you guys are, like…

#277
Can we work this out? All right, Hwang, what if Frank gives you, like,

#278
half the rent now, then you fix the heat?

#279
And then he gives you the other half when the job's done?

#280
- It's okay. - Yeah?

#281
All right, that's a deal. That's a squashed beef.

#282
- Frank, you? - Oh, as a matter of fact…

#283
I could give the whole month's rent right here.

#284
- Well, that'd be… Good. - I'll take it.

#285
Yeah, but I'm not gonna do it, because I'm not gonna let you beat me,

#286
because you're a lousy son of a bitch.

#287
- You're a dog! - I'm a dog, you're a dog, huh?

#288
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. - How's that? Huh?

#289
- You're a fire dog! - Plenty more where this came from.

#290
I could heat that apartment all winter, huh?

#291
- You want it? Ah… - Yeah, yeah, yeah, fire dog.

#292
- Aw! - You're trying to burn me!

#293
Just give us an eye. You don't need both of them.

#294
I only have one good working eye.

#295
Yeah, but I think it might be better if you're blind, anyway.

#296
You know, it's gonna heighten all your other senses.

#297
Let me think about it. I'll think about it.

#298
Okay, give it some thought. Give it some thought.

#299
All right, well, we'll work that angle.

#300
- Ooh, maybe that's Bruce. - Oh, yeah.

#301
Hey, how'd you get him down here anyway?

#302
I told him that his kids wanted to see him for Thanksgiving,

#303
and that you guys wanted to be one big happy family again.

#304
Oh, nice.

#305
Hey.

#306
Who's this jabroni?

#307
I have no idea. Slam the door on his face.

#308
- See you, bozo. - Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

#309
Actually, I know who this guy is.

#310
Holy shit! Dude, this is the guy that Frank and Dee mistook for Bruce,

#311
and Frank got that bad intel, so they went to his apartment,

#312
- instead of Bruce's apartment. - And then we blew up his car.

#313
- Blew the shit out of his car. - Wait a minute. That was you guys?

#314
Huh? No.

#315
I don't even know what you're talking about.

#316
Uh…

#317
- Happy Thanksgiving. - Yeah, yeah.

#318
Wait, wait. Please. Are my kids in there?

#319
Somebody wrote me a note and said that my kids wanted to see me?

#320
I haven't seen 'em since my wife left me. Are they in here?

#321
- Sabrina? - Oh, this is bad.

#322
Marco? Daddy's here.

#323
Oh, my God. We really opened up a can of worms.

#324
- It's a bit messy. - The good news is,

#325
seems that the kids thing took his mind off the car thing, so,

#326
maybe it'll work itself out.

#327
- Okay, good. - All right.

#328
- Mac. - Hey.

#329
Hey, thanks for calling, man.

#330
So, where are the kids? I can't wait to see those little rug rats.

#331
It's been forever.

#332
I'm sure they're around somewhere.

#333
Go ahead and mingle, and maybe you'll find 'em.

#334
My kids aren't really here, are they?

#335
- Uh… - No.

#336
- No. No, I lied about that. - Thank God.

#337
Let's get shit-housed, right, guys?

#338
What a piece of shit that guy is.

#339
Yeah, he's a real piece of shit.

#340
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

#341
What the hell is Ponderosa doing here?

#342
Well, he's the one that's responsible for Liam's eye,

#343
so we figured, you know, he shows up,

#344
it shifts the blame from us to him,

#345
and, worst case scenario, they'll take his eye.

#346
Oh, my God, this is getting way too confusing. We got too many beefs.

#347
- I can't keep up. - God, Dee, we got it.

#348
I'm not honking. I'm just…

#349
- I'm expressing something… - We got it.

#350
I'll admit it, it's getting confusing, there's a lot of people here.

#351
- See? - I'll take some of the blame for that.

#352
- I did invite… - Let us take the lead.

#353
- We got it, we got it. - Okay.

#354
Can't get it to stay.

#355
There you go.

#356
Hi, uh, everybody, I'd like to say something, please.

#357
Uh, could I have your attention, please?

#358
I'd like to say something, yeah.

#359
Um, so, the Pilgrims hated the Indians and the Indians, they despised the Pilgrims.

#360
Yeah.

#361
But nonetheless, on Thanksgiving, they got together, right,

#362
and it wasn't about apologizing to each other.

#363
It wasn't about admitting guilt. Won't do that. Okay?

#364
It was just about making the peace, that was all that it was about.

#365
And if the Indians knew how to sign shit,

#366
they probably would've signed a peace treaty.

#367
Right? So that's what we're gonna do.

#368
We're gonna make peace with each other,

#369
and we're gonna get it in writing.

#370
All right? Is everybody amenable to that?

#371
Sound good?

#372
Great, uh, so we'd like to begin with Bill Ponderosa.

#373
Yes.

#374
Oh.

#375
It's not… There's no need to clap. It's not a clapping event.

#376
No. Right. So… Okay, so, um, Bill,

#377
do you have something you'd like to admit to someone here?

#378
Yes, actually, I do.

#379
Uh, I once broke into Dee's apartment and sniffed on her panties.

#380
What? Goddamn it! Beef!

#381
No, I got beef with that.

#382
Uh, can we, um… Just stay on track.

#383
Um… Bill, is there something you want to say to the McPoyles?

#384
Oh, um…

#385
Hey, hey.

#386
I love that painted-on eye, man. That is fun.

#387
No. No, wait. No, no.

#388
Okay. No, no, no.

#389
All right, hey, hey, hey!

#390
Everybody stop clapping.

#391
All right, Liam, Bill's the one who put bath salts

#392
in the punch at your wedding, all right?

#393
He's the one who is responsible for your empty eyehole.

#394
- Is this true, man? - Maybe. I…

#395
The only thing I remember from that night is

#396
my sponsor Frank giving me the green light to get shit-housed.

#397
- That's true. - That happened.

#398
- I'll back that up. - Then it's your fault.

#399
You owe my brother an eye!

#400
All right, settle down! Settle… Take it easy, all right?

#401
Don't drag him into your beef 'cause I need him to focus on ours here.

#402
Hey, Frank, I'm giving this guy a handy under the table.

#403
Are you jealous?

#404
She's mashing it.

#405
She does that.

#406
I'm very aroused.

#407
Very good.

#408
Look, I'm… I'm sorry.

#409
Which one of you knows my ex-wife and when are my kids getting here?

#410
- They'll get here. Just… - Who's this jabroni?

#411
Uh, this is the gentleman who we mistook for Bruce Mathis.

#412
Right, yep, and then we blew up his car.

#413
- Don't say that! - All of this, and it was you guys.

#414
You owe me a car.

#415
- I don't think that will ever happen. - Whoa, easy, man!

#416
That's a big leap right there.

#417
Buddy, buddy, um, what's the deal with your kids?

#418
You haven't seen 'em in a while. Did you do something?

#419
- Is it… Was it your fault? - Oh. I have a horrible drug problem.

#420
Ooh, I hear you. I know that game, huh?

#421
You want to do a bump here?

#422
Yeah, I guess one little bump won't hurt.

#423
I'll have a few of those delicious nose clams.

#424
Frank, no, come on. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#425
Don't clap for that!

#426
What? I can't have squash?

#427
I can't have blow?

#428
We need you to focus! Sign the damn treaty!

#429
All right, you know what, Hwang, you sign the treaty.

#430
- I'll sign it. - Oh, gross! Don't touch me with that hand!

#431
Put your hand over here. I'll take sloppy seconds.

#432
Absolutely not.

#433
- Mash me, baby. Mash me. - No mashing at the table!

#434
Stop mashing, all right? Come on.

#435
Goddamn it, Frank, I'm starting to think I have beef with you!

#436
- Yeah, us, too! - Okay, I have an idea.

#437
It's time now to wipe the slate clean.

#438
No, you said we were gonna do the hatchet thing first!

#439
Don't worry about the hatchet thing, okay?

#440
That was an unsanctioned move.

#441
Well, none of these moves are working! We got to do something else!

#442
Food fight! Food fight!

#443
I guess!

#444
Sign the treaty!

#445
You owe me an eye, Frank!

#446
Oh, shit!

#447
No, no, no, no.

#448
Oh, this was a bad idea.

#449
We stirred up too much conflict.

#450
Yeah. It smells like smoke. Is something burning?

#451
I think it's coming from your room, dude.

#452
What?

#453
My room's on fire.

#454
Why is my room on fire?

#455
I may have started a money fire.

#456
Why would you start a fire in my room, Frank?

#457
What are we gonna do?

#458
I don't know, I don't know. We got to think, we got to think. Think, think.

#459
I've got an idea.

#460
So we're just gonna lock them in there?

#461
They're definitely gonna burn to death.

#462
Okay, guys, nobody's gonna burn, all right?

#463
There's a fire escape. We'll call 911.

#464
We just need to buy a little time so we can get the hell out of here.

#465
I feel like we're just creating more beef.

#466
Which we will not resolve.

#467
Beefs are best left simmering under the surface, I've learned that now.

#468
The best thing to do with a beef is jam it deep down inside

#469
- and then press forward. - What are we gonna do now?

#470
You know, we could just buy Thundergun and go to a different Wawa.

#471
Yeah, it's a little inconvenient,

#472
but it's better than facing our problems.

#473
Yeah, or saying we're sorry, which I'm not doing.

#474
- Hell, no, I won't do that. - I won't.

#475
All right, you want to go back to my place, get some blankets, bundle up?

#476
- Just us? No one else? - That's what I'm thankful for.

#477
We don't need to get along with anybody else, we got each other.

#478
Yeah, screw everybody else.

#479
I hate people who are different than me, you know?

#480
Why pretend?

#481
Out the window.

#482
Who's got me? Man down.

#483
I'm right back here, guys.

#484
Who's got me? Guys? Hello? Hello?

#485
Time isn't present In that dimension

#486
He'll take my arm

#487
When we're walkin', Rolling and rocking

#488
It's one time I'm glad I'm not a man

#489
Feels like I'm dreaming, But I'm not sleeping

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