Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E08 — Flowers for Charlie

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 8 — Flowers for Charlie

#1
>> MAC: So what if I didn't go to college?

#2
John McClane didn't go to college.

#3
He defeats the bad guys using street smarts, and I got street

#4
smarts.

#5
>> DENNIS: Mac, you do realize John McClane's a fictional

#6
character who's voicing lines written by screenwriters who

#7
almost certainly went to college.

#8
>> DEE: Yeah, but Bruce Willis dropped out of college, and that

#9
supports Mac's argument.

#10
>> Yeah!

#11
>> Uh, no it doesn't, Dee.

#12
And the fact that you can't understand that leads me to

#13
believe that you are complete and total dum-dum, and therefore

#14
are not going to get selected for this intelligence

#15
experiment.

#16
>> Welcome, everybody, and thank you for volunteering in this

#17
intelligence experiment.

#18
I'm afraid, however, that we can only use one test subject.

#19
>> I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um, I noticed you said

#20
"volunteering," which implies a lack of compensation.

#21
>> Volunteering's for suckers.

#22
>> Yes, the selected subject will receive $1,000 in

#23
compensation.

#24
>> DEE: There you go.

#25
>> That's what we're talking!

#26
>> Hey. That's more like it.

#27
Okay, and listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think

#28
you'll find that I am your man.

#29
>> Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.

#30
>> I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with

#31
brainpower.

#32
But you and me, we know different, huh?

#33
>> Uh, "you and I."

#34
>> What? No, not you and I.

#35
Him and I, idiot.

#36
>> In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both

#37
of you.

#38
>> Dee, this man is smart enough to know to avoid a proposition

#39
like that from someone like you.

#40
>> To be clear, we're not looking for a subject with

#41
superior intelligence.

#42
In fact, the complete opposite would be, um, uh, preferable.

#43
Excuse me for a minute.

#44
I'm sorry, wait, wait!

#45
That's a... sorry.

#46
What are you doing?

#47
>> CHARLIE: I was gonna bash your rat and take care of your

#48
rat problem.

#49
>> Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please, this is, this is our lab

#50
rat.

#51
His name's Armitage Shanks.

#52
If he solves the maze, he gets the cheese.

#53
And since we've been feeding Armitage a cerebral enhancement

#54
formula, he's been solving these mazes seven times faster.

#55
We'd like to try a formula out on a human subject.

#56
What would you think about something like that?

#57
A pill that could make you seven times smarter.

#58
[Armitage Shanks squeaking]

#59
>> Cheese, huh?

#60
Yeah, all right.

#61
[buzzer sounds] Ow! Shit!

#62
>> What's your name, young man?

#63
>> It's Charlie.

#64
Hold up, dude, I want to get this cheese here.

#65
[buzzer sounds] Aah! Shit!

#66
>> Why don't you try the cheese under the green light, Charlie?

#67
>> I want this cheese.

#68
[buzzer sounds]

#69
Aah!

#70
>> Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our test subject.

#71
Thank you all very much for coming.

#72
Thank you all very much for coming.

#73
>> Aw, Frank, you're intruding upon my education.

#74
>> This is crazy, Charlie.

#75
That's crazy.

#76
>> Aw, shut up.

#77
>> Whoa, what the hell is this?

#78
What are you doing, man?

#79
>> Well, I'm trying to learn Mandarin and listen to Beethoven

#80
at the same time.

#81
You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste

#82
to only listen to one thing.

#83
>> Let me guess this straight.

#84
You just realized that you have

#85
two ears?

#86
>> Taking a pill is not gonna make you smarter, Charlie.

#87
>> I don't know about that, Frank.

#88
I've listened to five books on tape already this morning, five.

#89
>> Charlie, come on, any idiot can listen to books on tape.

#90
You're only doing that because you can't read, all right?

#91
Trust me, if you're feeling any smarter, it's just a classic

#92
case...

#93
>> BOTH: ... of the placebo effect.

#94
>> I considered that, but I don't think that's it, Dennis.

#95
>> Whatever, you don't even know what the word placebo...

#96
>> Placebo means from the Latin "placebo," meaning "I shall

#97
please."

#98
I listened to a chapter on that this morning.

#99
>> This is...

#100
>> Such bullshit?

#101
>> I wasn't gonna say...

#102
>> Gonna say that?

#103
>> Dude, just because you're finishing our sentences, doesn't

#104
make you s-s-s...

#105
>> BOTH: Intelligent.

#106
>> Oh!

#107
[Charlie laughs] >> Guys, guys, we've got a huge

#108
problem back there.

#109
>> Ugh, big rat, like the biggest ever in the back office.

#110
>> Uh, that sounds like Charlie work, so, Charlie, why don't you

#111
hop on that, and be smart about it.

#112
>> Good pleasantry, cute.

#113
How about no?

#114
>> What do you mean "no"?

#115
>> How about you kill the rat?

#116
You know what, that might occupy you guys for about a week or so,

#117
and that'll give me some time to continue my education in peace.

#118
That be nice. Let's do that.

#119
>> What are you talking about?

#120
>> A week? To kill a rat?

#121
Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat are we talking about?

#122
>> You have to be a real moron to get outsmarted by a rat,

#123
dude.

#124
>> Well, bonjours,killing the the rat, my friends.

#125
♪ >> Oh, and then I realized,

#126
Tang-See, that these so-called friends of mine have been

#127
exploiting my labor for years.

#128
>> An astute observation.

#129
Conforms with Marxist theories about the exploitation of the

#130
proletariat.

#131
>> It completely conforms when you think about it.

#132
Ah, Tang-See, these-these pills are having quite

#133
an effect on me.

#134
And the combination with my readings is really leading me

#135
into some rather large ideas.

#136
I think I could be on the verge of something groundbreaking.

#137
>> Yes.

#138
The work you're proposing will revolutionize the field.

#139
>> Exactly, right?

#140
Now, Tang-See, let's-let's talk for a second.

#141
What do you think my IQ is now?

#142
And be honest.

#143
>> Well, what do you think it is?

#144
>> 175?

#145
>> Wow.

#146
>> You know. Probably, yeah.

#147
Now, I'm thinking if I were to double the dosage, I could break

#148
200 easily.

#149
>> You have to be careful, Charlie.

#150
This is uncharted waters here.

#151
Have you been having any side effects?

#152
>> Yes. Okay, yes.

#153
There's-there's been a-a slight ringing in my ears.

#154
My-my legs grow numb from time to time.

#155
I ache all over if I'm being honest, but...

#156
[door opens] >> I got Mongolian barbecue and

#157
Police Academy: Mission to Moscow.

#158
>> Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, I got to stop you.

#159
Uh, tonight is really not the best night for that, so I'm

#160
sorry, man.

#161
>> But, Charlie, it's Gruesome Twosome Tuesday.

#162
>> Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but...

#163
>> What?

#164
>> I'm-I'm on the verge of something really groundbreaking

#165
here and I-I really shouldn't be playing these childish games

#166
anymore, nor should you.

#167
>> We're the Gruesome Twosome.

#168
>> You don't have to keep saying that, I know...

#169
[Frank grunting] The sound effects won't

#170
help you.

#171
>> The Gruesome Twosome.

#172
[Frank grunting] >> They don't further your

#173
argument in any way.

#174
[Frank grunting] [speaking Mandarin]

#175
>> You speak Mandarin?

#176
>> Well, I do think I'm getting it a little bit.

#177
[both speaking Mandarin] [both laughing]

#178
[both speaking Mandarin] [rat squeaking]

#179
>> Hey, Mac, Mac, I've located him-- he's right near the hole.

#180
>> Oh, good, let me bash him!

#181
>> No, no, no... [shushes] Oh, goddamn it.

#182
He scurried away.

#183
>> All right, well, when he comes back, I'm gonna smash him

#184
up good.

#185
>> No, no, Mac, come on.

#186
We're smarter than that.

#187
That's just gonna spread rat blood and disease all over the

#188
place.

#189
It's not about brute force.

#190
It's about seduction.

#191
See, I'm gonna place some enticing tunes for the little

#192
guy.

#193
And then I'm gonna bait this glue trap with some Brie cheese.

#194
>> ♪ And I want you here With me

#195
♪ From tonight until The end of time

#196
You should know... ♪ >> Hey, you guys catch that rat

#197
yet?

#198
>> Any minute now, Dee.

#199
>> I'm telling you, glue traps are barbaric and messy.

#200
I have come up with the intelligent solution.

#201
Ultrasonic rodent repellant.

#202
It emits a high-pitched sound that obliterates their teeny rat

#203
eardrums.

#204
Stupid rats.

#205
>> Uh, those things don't work, Dee.

#206
>> Oh, no?

#207
Okay, how about we do a little wager.

#208
The rat gets trapped to your glue trap and you win.

#209
The rat scurries away and never comes back again, then I am

#210
crowned the smartest in the...

#211
Oh, God, gross.

#212
Is that cheese?

#213
Get it off me!

#214
Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuck to your glue!

#215
You guys!

#216
>> You've trapped yourself on a trap that was designed for a

#217
rodent with a brain the size of a walnut.

#218
>> Now a normal-size woman would probably just be able to slide

#219
her hand right out, but with those giant man hands...

#220
>> Yeah, you really don't stand a chance, Dee.

#221
>> Okay, I get it.

#222
[rat squeaking] Do you hear that?

#223
I hear it-- oh, God, it's coming!

#224
It's coming to eat its cheese.

#225
You guys, help!

#226
>> Odd that it hasn't been repelled by your supersonic rat

#227
scarer, Dee.

#228
>> Guys! It's on me!

#229
It's on my hand!

#230
Oh, it's climbing up my hand to eat the cheese.

#231
>> Now, where this gets interesting is when the rat

#232
finishes the cheese.

#233
>> Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her hand down to a tiny, bloody

#234
stump, then she could just slide it right out.

#235
>> Hey.

#236
>> Ah, goddamn it, it's gone.

#237
It ate its cheese and then it ran away.

#238
It didn't get stuck to the glue.

#239
>> Huh, maybe this rat is a little bit smarter than we gave

#240
it credit for, Mac.

#241
>> Hmm.

#242
>> He is whatever, I mean, is he okay? Sure.

#243
Is he fine?

#244
He's fine.

#245
All I'm saying is that Stephen Hawking is much more of a Lady

#246
Gaga than, you know, Johann Sebastian Bach.

#247
He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure like the Kardashians, you

#248
know?

#249
>> Hmm.

#250
[high-pitched ringing] >> God.

#251
>> Are you all right?

#252
>> Yes, that's the shooting pain in the eye.

#253
Jot that down, please.

#254
[speaking Mandarin] Huh?

#255
Yes, I heard-heard the words.

#256
>> I'm learning Mandarin.

#257
It means "You got that right."

#258
>> Yes, Frank, I got what right, though?

#259
>> The thing about the cripple.

#260
>> What cripple?

#261
Why are you speaking?

#262
>> Stephen Hawking.

#263
>> Dear God, we were talking about that like ten minutes ago.

#264
>> But I didn't know what I was gonna say.

#265
I had to look it up.

#266
>> You never know what you're gonna say, and that's the

#267
problem, isn't it?

#268
[speaking Mandarin] >> Say that again?

#269
[Charlie speaking Mandarin] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

#270
whoa, whoa, you're going too fast, I can't...

#271
Go slower.

#272
>> Frank, I cannot go slower for you!

#273
Checkmate, Tang-See, wake up.

#274
Open your eyes, listen.

#275
I cannot go slower.

#276
Frank, I am thinking on the physical level, the metaphysical

#277
level, the pataphysical level.

#278
Every time you open your mouth, you drag me down into the mud,

#279
and-and really, my-my...

#280
[high-pitched ringing] [groaning]

#281
>> What?

#282
You got a pain?

#283
Charlie, I'm telling you.

#284
Those pills are no good for you.

#285
They're hurting you, those pills.

#286
They're turning you into someone you're not.

#287
[Tang-See speaking Mandarin] Shut up!

#288
>> [laughing]: Okay, okay.

#289
Don't get cute, Tang-See, you're not much smarter than he is.

#290
Checkmate.

#291
>> Well, you know, it-it, uh... hmm...

#292
>> Try jerking it again.

#293
>> Jerked it, I mean, I've jerked it so many times.

#294
I've jerked and squirmed and squiggled.

#295
>> This is crazy.

#296
I mean, we should be able to figure this out.

#297
>> Ooh, oh!

#298
What about gasoline?

#299
Pour a little bit of gasoline on there, dissolve some of the

#300
glue.

#301
>> You are a brilliant man, yes!

#302
Try it.

#303
>> Yeah, gasoline is a solvent.

#304
That's basic chemistry.

#305
Smart, Mac, smart, go grab some.

#306
>> Oh. Yeah.

#307
>> Yeah, all right. Oh, we got to be careful though because

#308
gasoline is volatile and highly combustible so let's use extreme

#309
caution.

#310
>> Of course, only an idiot would just use gasoline

#311
willy-nilly.

#312
>> It's gonna work.

#313
>> Okay.

#314
>> And in the interest of safety, I'm gonna go ahead and

#315
just make sure that this is, in fact, gasoline because Charlie

#316
likes to keep booze in here sometimes.

#317
>> That's true, he does do that.

#318
>> Mm-hmm.

#319
[sniffs] >> Yeah!

#320
Yeah, yeah, that's definitely...

#321
[whoops] >> Let me double check because,

#322
you know, you're sense of smell has always been pretty stupid.

#323
>> You want to...?

#324
>> Yeah, yeah, let me just check it out.

#325
[sniffs] >> Oh, oh, Christ, that's good

#326
stuff... that's high-test.

#327
>> Can I get a toot down here?

#328
>> Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.

#329
[sniffs] >> Ooh, guys, yes.

#330
>> Are you sure it's gasoline though?

#331
I should just try it again.

#332
[Dee whoops] Jesus, Jesus!

#333
That's gasoline.

#334
>> All right, let's blast off.

#335
Engage thrusters, Captain.

#336
>> Oh, all right, well, ground control, I'll take some.

#337
>> Holy shit.

#338
>> As long as we're blasting.

#339
>> You know what?

#340
Let's pop off on this shit a little bit, then let's get back

#341
to business.

#342
>> Yeah, okay.

#343
>> This is making me feel...

#344
>> Oh, shit, there he goes.

#345
[rat squeaking] >> Oh, he's a squirrely little

#346
bastard, isn't he?

#347
>> You son of a bitch.

#348
>> He's making I and you look dumb.

#349
>> Yeah... uh...

#350
"I and you." No, me and you, me, you, me, I.

#351
It was you and I?

#352
You and I...

#353
>> Me and you look dumb.

#354
>> [laughs] Dumb.

#355
>> It's got to be...

#356
>> Dumb is a funny word.

#357
>> ...me and... Dumb is a funny word.

#358
>> Dumb.

#359
>> Dumb.

#360
>> Pass the gas.

#361
>> Dumb.

#362
>> Pass it, pass it.

#363
>> Pass the gas.

#364
[all laughing] [Charlie speaks quietly]

#365
[scoffs] [laughs]

#366
>> Oh, yeah, you're reading now?

#367
Since when do you read?

#368
>> Oh, hello, hello.

#369
Uh, well, I was just glancing at War and Peace,and let me

#370
tell you, I side with Shakespeare on brevity.

#371
"Brevity is the soul of wit."

#372
Which, uh...

#373
Do I have to put on training wheels for this conversation or

#374
is, uh... What is this?

#375
What are you doing?

#376
>> I'm having dinner with you.

#377
>> I see, you've lifted the restraining order?

#378
>> Oh, no, no, no.

#379
I'm not lifting the restraining order, but Frank paid me $500 to

#380
be here, and so I'm having dinner with you.

#381
>> Ah, I see.

#382
>> Do you? 'Cause I don't.

#383
I didn't ask questions though.

#384
>> Well, it's all rather transparent really, isn't it?

#385
Frank and I have always been very close as you know, uh, but

#386
I've turned a corner, if you will, with my life recently.

#387
I have new, more substantial interests, new friends, better

#388
suited for those interests, so understandably Frank is feeling

#389
somewhat marginalized.

#390
Now, he's gone out of his way to enlist your aid, uh, in hopes

#391
that my deep infatuation with you will, uh, perhaps pull me

#392
away from those people and those pursuits that have, in turn,

#393
been pulling me away from Frank as of late.

#394
>> What now?

#395
>> Frank's using you to get to me.

#396
How are you? Never mind.

#397
Moving on. Beaujolais?

#398
Why don't you have a little bit, loosen up.

#399
That'll get rid of that uninviting edge.

#400
So, uh, tell me about yourself.

#401
Are you quite well these days?

#402
>> Well, uh, actually, I'm, like, okay because my boss,

#403
like, at the restaurant, he, like, totally doesn't get me.

#404
I mean, he thinks that being a waitress is, like, what I am,

#405
and I'm like, "That doesn't define me, dude, okay?

#406
[high-pitched ringing] Like, I'm saving up to open

#407
my own nail salon."

#408
[distantly]: And I have come up with all of these great names

#409
for a nail salon.

#410
Um, some of them are, like, The Hand Whisperer or Finger

#411
Fantasy.

#412
And I've been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot because it's a

#413
show that takes place in salons.

#414
Finger Fantasy.

#415
Finger Fantasy.

#416
I've been watching this show called Tabatha Takes Over...

#417
Tabatha Takes Over, Tabatha Takes Over.

#418
And I have been watching Tabatha Takes Overa lot, because it's

#419
a show that takes place in...

#420
[jaunty music plays] [cat yowls]

#421
>> Yeah, see?

#422
The mouse always wins.

#423
There's... there's, like, no winning with mices.

#424
>> Cat keeps getting hurt.

#425
>> He gets hurt.

#426
>> Well, it's dangerous, yeah.

#427
>> What the hell are you guys doing?

#428
>> We're trying to watch cat and mouse cartoons to find out how

#429
kitty cats deal with their rat issues.

#430
>> If Charlie was still around, none of this would be happening.

#431
He's distracted with that damn literature and science crap.

#432
[TV switches off] Charlie is our foundation.

#433
Where does a foundation belong?

#434
>> Yes.

#435
>> On top.

#436
>> On the bottom.

#437
>> Oh.

#438
>> On the bottom.

#439
>> We gotta go grab Charlie and drag him back down into the

#440
sewer where he belongs.

#441
>> Oh...

#442
>> Well, well...

#443
>> I can't, see, I've been outsmarted by a rat and right

#444
now I'm stuck on its glue trap.

#445
>> Did you try the gasoline, loosening it?

#446
>> All over it.

#447
That didn't work, but you know what does work?

#448
Breathing it in.

#449
[laughs] >> Deandra, are you holding onto

#450
the trap?

#451
>> No.

#452
>> Oh, I don't... I don't know.

#453
>> Let go of the trap.

#454
[trap clatters to floor] [laughing]

#455
>> No...

#456
No.

#457
>> That's so stupid.

#458
>> All right, come on.

#459
We gotta go get Charlie.

#460
>> Uh, no, no.

#461
>> We'll do it. We'll...

#462
>> Let's do it tomorrow.

#463
>> We'll nap first.

#464
>> I'm gonna go to sleep.

#465
>> Could you turn the TV back on?

#466
>> Tomorrow's good.

#467
♪ >> Ladies and gentlemen, you're

#468
about to see the results of a bold experiment in human

#469
intelligence.

#470
>> He's totally different.

#471
Totally different person.

#472
>> We'll bring our test subject out now, and I think you'll find

#473
him a rather incredible specimen.

#474
Tang-See.

#475
[whirring] >> [raspy]: Ah...

#476
>> What is happening?

#477
>> [British accent]: Thank you, Tang-See, my-my dear,

#478
dear friend.

#479
[clears throat] A simple pill...

#480
ingested by a man who received a simple idea, a simple thought

#481
so clear and sharp that it cut through his mind like a soft

#482
cheese and led him to an invention.

#483
>> Is he doing an accent?

#484
>> Yeah.

#485
>> Every now and then, there are new modalities, new ways of

#486
being and understanding our world.

#487
This invention-- my invention-- will change everything.

#488
For the better, one hopes.

#489
But the good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes?

#490
[laughing] [coughing]

#491
You must excuse me.

#492
I've grown quite weary.

#493
>> Come on.

#494
>> Finally, my friends, at long last the day has come.

#495
We have the means, the understanding, the technology...

#496
to allow spiders to talk with cats!

#497
[audience gasps, exclaims] [murmuring]

#498
[cat meows] >> Our exploration into the

#499
effect of environment upon intelligence was, alas, a

#500
complete failure.

#501
Self-confidence instilled by a placebo "intelligence pill" and

#502
consistently reinforced by my assistant Tang-See did not, in

#503
fact, make the test subject smarter.

#504
It did, however, yield fascinating results.

#505
Uh, the most measurable effect was a sharp uptick in arrogance.

#506
>> The subject was perfectly ready to believe he had learned

#507
Mandarin in two days.

#508
>> Tang-See!

#509
[speaking Mandarin gibberish] >> Again, this is complete

#510
gibberish.

#511
The subject believed himself to be a mathematical wizard.

#512
>> ...plus nine equals box.

#513
All right?

#514
That's where the cat goes.

#515
>> And in the space of an hour, the subject has lost all

#516
interest in a woman with whom he had been in love for years,

#517
because of her perceived stupidity relative to himself.

#518
>> Perhaps the most interesting were the series of side effects

#519
that he believed himself to be having.

#520
Uh, debilitating aches and pains.

#521
It was all-all in his mind.

#522
>> Huh.

#523
Yeah, I guess I do feel kind of better, so...

#524
I believe I was having the "plecebe" effect.

#525
>> Placebo.

#526
>> Pla-ce-bo.

#527
[chuckles] Which is, of course, a...

#528
a funny-sounding word.

#529
>> That is a funny word.

#530
>> It's pretty funny, yeah.

#531
"Placebo."

#532
"Placebe."

#533
>> Placido Domingo.

#534
[laughing] >> Police Academy.

#535
[laughs] Which is a good movie, Frank.

#536
>> It isa good movie, Charlie.

#537
>> You want to go back and watch it?

#538
>> With all my heart.

#539
>> Please, can you not interrupt the lecture?

#540
We're still, uh...

#541
>> What is the point of this stupid, dumb-ass experiment

#542
anyway?

#543
>> Yeah, like, was he smart or not?

#544
I don't even get it.

#545
>> Uh, I don't think so.

#546
Was I smart, sir?

#547
>> No.

#548
Again, um... if you could let us finish the lecture, and...

#549
>> You stupid science bitches couldn't even make my friends

#550
more smarter.

#551
[laughs] >> Hey, you're right!

#552
Stupid science bitch couldn't even make I more smarter.

#553
All right, let's get out of here.

#554
>> Hey, Charlie!

#555
>> Police Academy.

#556
>> Police Academyis an awesome movie.

#557
>> Mahoney!

#558
Mahoney's my favorite character.

#559
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

#560
access.wgbh.org [trio chanting backwards]

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