Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E09 — The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 6

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 9 — The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 6

#1
(thunderclaps)

#2
(rhythmic chanting and singing)

#3
(singing continues)

#4
>> * Bah-hoo-yeah

#5
Bah-hoo-yeah

#6
Bah-hoo-yeah

#7
Bah-hoo-yeah. *

#8
(creaking)

#9
(groaning)

#10
(cackling)

#11
>> Welcome back from the dead,

#12
Chief Lazarus!

#13
(groaning)

#14
>> CHIEF LAZARUS: I only got one

#15
thing on my mind.

#16
Revenge!

#17
(loud thunderclaps)

#18
(laughs)

#19
(cackling)

#20
(cackles)

#21
(explosion)

#22
*

#23
>> What exactly are you here

#24
for?

#25
>> MAC: We need $40 million.

#26
>> So we've shot a great deal of

#27
the movie, and we're gonna show

#28
it to you.

#29
>> DENNIS: Oh, yeah.

#30
>> We just need a little money

#31
to finish it.

#32
>> Yeah, see, we had a little

#33
bit of a falling out with our

#34
financier.

#35
He's also playing Chief Lazarus.

#36
We had some creative

#37
differences with him, you know,

#38
which is why we're coming to

#39
you, but, look, that's neither

#40
here nor there.

#41
Don't worry about that.

#42
>> CHARLIE: The guy wanted to

#43
shoot a full penetration sex

#44
scene and show it.

#45
>> But, to be fair, I don't have

#46
a problem, as much, with the act

#47
itself as I do with the man

#48
who's performing it.

#49
>> Don't get into that.

#50
It's, like, more specific than

#51
she needs to...

#52
>> Let her know. I think she...

#53
Look, I just, I think that no

#54
one wants to see Frank smashing

#55
genitalia with a woman, but if

#56
it were me doing it, you know,

#57
imagine that.

#58
Wouldn't that be nice?

#59
Imagine all the positions that

#60
I could get into.

#61
You know, reverse pile driver,

#62
seated scissors, wheelbarrow,

#63
reverse cowgirl.

#64
I know all the positions.

#65
Whatever you like.

#66
>> He can do 'em all.

#67
>> I can do 'em all, yeah.

#68
>> He can do 'em all.

#69
>> So imagine that.

#70
Do you see the difference?

#71
>> We don't finance movies here.

#72
>> Let's show her more of the

#73
movie.

#74
>> Yes.

#75
>> Get into the story a little

#76
bit.

#77
>> Okay, that's exactly right.

#78
Keep watching, and then see the

#79
big picture, know that there

#80
are budgetary and time

#81
limitations and ignore them,

#82
please.

#83
>> Yeah.

#84
*

#85
(indistinct chatter)

#86
>> ROGER: In your face, sucker.

#87
*

#88
(buzzer sounds)

#89
(laughter, whooping)

#90
>> Oh, shit!

#91
(slow clapping)

#92
(indistinct chatter)

#93
>> Riggs, what the hell are you

#94
doing here?

#95
Our relationship is strained.

#96
>> RIGGS (Australian accent):

#97
Thought I'd give you some

#98
pointers on your jump shot.

#99
Noticed you weren't squaring up

#100
on the basket.

#101
(Roger laughs)

#102
>> Schooling a black man on

#103
basketball.

#104
You must be crazy.

#105
>> Crazy enough to want to know

#106
why you never RSVP'd to my

#107
wedding.

#108
>> Gee, do I want to see my

#109
ex-special forces ex-partner

#110
marry my baby girl daughter?

#111
Thanks.

#112
I respectfully say, "No."

#113
>> I tell you what, Sarge.

#114
Let's play a quick game of

#115
one-on-one.

#116
You score on me, you don't have

#117
to come to the wedding.

#118
>> If I score on you, I don't

#119
have to come to the wedding?

#120
>> That's right.

#121
>> So all I do is score once,

#122
and then I don't come to the

#123
wedding?

#124
>> Yes.

#125
>> Well, this is gonna be...

#126
a slam dunk!

#127
*

#128
(ball bouncing)

#129
(Roger laughs)

#130
>> Break a leg.

#131
Hell, break both of 'em.

#132
(Roger laughs)

#133
(saxophone plays jazz)

#134
>> Heavenly Father, we thank you

#135
for your glories.

#136
We also thank Martin for his

#137
lovely sax solo in lieu of vows.

#138
Rianne will now recite hers.

#139
>> RIANNE (Southern accent): My

#140
love, when I look deep in your

#141
eyes, I find my own destiny.

#142
I find that I want to love you

#143
for the rest of my days, and I

#144
will.

#145
I will spend every day of my

#146
life trying to make you the

#147
happiest man in the whole world.

#148
>> (crying): That was lovely.

#149
If anybody has any objection to

#150
this union, you speak now, or

#151
forever hold your peace.

#152
>> I object.

#153
>> What?!

#154
(crowd gasping and groaning)

#155
>> I need to do something

#156
first-- get your father's

#157
blessing.

#158
*

#159
(Roger scoffs)

#160
>> I came here for my daughter,

#161
not you.

#162
>> I love her, Rog.

#163
(Roger sighs)

#164
>> Yeah.

#165
I know you do, pal.

#166
*

#167
(explosion)

#168
(screaming)

#169
(overlapping shouting)

#170
>> No!

#171
>> No!

#172
(screaming and shouting)

#173
>> I love weddings.

#174
They always such a blast!

#175
>> Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

#176
Got to get out of here!

#177
Got to get out of here!

#178
(crowd screams and shouts)

#179
>> Oh! Oh, let me out of here!

#180
Let me out of here! Oh!

#181
(grunting)

#182
(grunting)

#183
(crowd screaming and shouting)

#184
>> Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

#185
*

#186
>> Um... I don't get why you're

#187
making this.

#188
>> Oh, I mean...

#189
>> Oh...

#190
>> God, the bank didn't get it

#191
either.

#192
Why make anything, you know?

#193
For the money, for the glory,

#194
for the fame.

#195
>> Absolutely.

#196
>> All-- the whole thing.

#197
>> Yeah, and-and clearly the

#198
movie's pretty kick-ass right up

#199
until we get to the special

#200
effects snafu.

#201
>> Our ex-backer liked to cut

#202
corners, but we feel like, with

#203
your technical expertise, being

#204
from a dot-com company and all,

#205
and your money, we could really

#206
make a kick-ass movie.

#207
>> Yeah, now, the next scene is,

#208
um, the next scene is bad.

#209
The next scene is a little bit

#210
of a disaster.

#211
>> It's got some problems, too,

#212
but then, once we get past that,

#213
it's pretty good, but let me set

#214
this up for you so you're not

#215
totally confused.

#216
Somebody released some kind of a

#217
biting bug, the likes of which

#218
I've never contended with.

#219
>> Frank and I got them from

#220
China, and they just went crazy

#221
in the bar and bit us up like...

#222
>> What do you mean you "got

#223
them from China"?

#224
You ordered them?

#225
>> Don't worry about where we

#226
got them or why we were getting

#227
them.

#228
>> Oh, my God, Jesus Christ.

#229
>> We just released them, there

#230
was an issue...

#231
>> All right, so you're gonna

#232
enjoy this part.

#233
Go ahead and push play.

#234
>> Yeah, yeah, keep it going.

#235
>> Hey, Chief, I'd like to trade

#236
in...

#237
(both coughing)

#238
...these flowers for a badge.

#239
>> Well, I just happen to have

#240
that gun.

#241
Welcome back to the force,

#242
Riggs.

#243
>> (whispering): Murtaugh.

#244
>> Murtaugh!

#245
>> It's great that you're a cop

#246
again, Rog.

#247
We'll n-need it.

#248
>> Well, I had to come back

#249
because they killed my baby girl

#250
as you was getting married to

#251
her.

#252
>> Yeah.

#253
Looks like I'm not the only cop

#254
with a death wish now.

#255
>> Ha!

#256
>> Chief, I think I found some

#257
clues.

#258
>> What the hell does those

#259
things have to do with Chief

#260
Lazarus?

#261
>> Well, I've got a hunch.

#262
>> Chief, I've got a hunch.

#263
See, feathers were usually used

#264
in Indian resurrection burials,

#265
which could only mean one thing.

#266
>> Damn!

#267
>> Well...

#268
That Lazarus is back from the

#269
dead.

#270
>> Damn!

#271
>> You think?

#272
>> So he's probably planning an

#273
elaborate rain dance to drench

#274
L.A. so bad that it ends up in

#275
the ocean.

#276
>> Making his Indian reservation

#277
the only thing left standing and

#278
very valuable beachfront

#279
property.

#280
That's could be the only answer.

#281
>> Yeah.

#282
>> Oh, oh.

#283
>> I'm just gonna fast-forward

#284
for a minute.

#285
>> Uh, but this...

#286
>> Yeah, this is important...

#287
>> That-that-that's okay, I'll,

#288
uh, I'll play it here.

#289
>> Beachfront property on his

#290
Indian reservation.

#291
>> No, you're still going on

#292
about the whole...

#293
>> No, just keep going.

#294
>> Yeah... yeah, yeah.

#295
>> Well, you got to explain

#296
every aspect of the movie.

#297
That's crazy.

#298
>> Well, that's because when you

#299
go to the movies, you know, you

#300
can't follow what's going on.

#301
>> No, you can't follow what's

#302
going on.

#303
>> Yeah, yes, you can.

#304
>> No, no, you're like, "Who's

#305
that guy?

#306
Is that the good guy, is that

#307
the bad guy?"

#308
>> Everybody knows!

#309
>> I'm sorry, guys, um, but

#310
maybe it would help if I saw the

#311
original Mel Gibson version

#312
first.

#313
>> W-What do you mean that

#314
you've not seen...

#315
>> Wha...? How...?

#316
>> You've never seen...

#317
>> Lethal Weapon?

#318
>> Lethal Weapon?

#319
>> No, I mean, I've heard of it.

#320
>> I think what's happening here

#321
is the fact that you're a woman,

#322
and our demographic skews male.

#323
>> Well, um...

#324
>> It does-- we are a male-

#325
driven, uh, you know...

#326
>> We are testosterone-driven.

#327
>> We're a male-driven entity.

#328
>> I-I got, I got that.

#329
>> Oh, oh, oh, the next scene.

#330
>> Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right,

#331
right, right, right, right.

#332
>> Oh, the next scene.

#333
>> That's right, there's stuff

#334
for the... the ladies, I guess.

#335
>> Oh, for the ladies.

#336
>> Yeah, we shot this for the

#337
ladies.

#338
This is all for the ladies.

#339
>> You're gonna love this.

#340
>> Well... yeah.

#341
>> You're gonna dive right in,

#342
right here.

#343
("Playing with the Boys" by

#344
Kenny Loggins playing)

#345
>> * I'd say it was

#346
The right time

#347
To walk away

#348
* When dreamin' takes you

#349
Nowhere

#350
It's time to play

#351
* Bodies workin' overtime

#352
Your money don't matter... *

#353
>> Yeah...!

#354
>> * Time keeps ticking

#355
When someone's on my mind *

#356
* Playing

#357
Playing with the boys

#358
I'm staying

#359
Staying with the boys... *

#360
>> Yeah.

#361
(both whoop)

#362
All right.

#363
All right, blokes, let's hit the

#364
showers, huh?

#365
>> Yeah.

#366
>> Yeah.

#367
>> Oh, yeah.

#368
>> I don't know about you, mate,

#369
but I'm sore.

#370
(laughing): I'm really sore.

#371
>> I really needed this.

#372
>> Oh, I needed it, too, mate.

#373
>> All right, buddy.

#374
Now that we know what Lazarus'

#375
plan is, what are we gonna do?

#376
>> We got to track him down and

#377
fight him, you know?

#378
>> Sure do.

#379
We got to track him down and

#380
punch him.

#381
>> We're gonna track him down

#382
and we're gonna...

#383
We're gonna go to the strip

#384
club, which I'm excited to do.

#385
(laughing): I love strip clubs.

#386
>> Oh, baby, I love me a good

#387
strip club.

#388
>> We're gonna...

#389
I mean, this is crazy, right?

#390
>> Wha...?

#391
>> I miss her, Riggs.

#392
Nothing's ever gonna make me

#393
forget her.

#394
>> I know, buddy.

#395
Lazarus has taken everything

#396
from us, but we're gonna take

#397
what he loves most: his life.

#398
>> Yeah?

#399
Well, we'd better do it right

#400
this time, baby.

#401
We ain't getting any younger.

#402
>> That's for sure.

#403
I'm starting to think even I'm

#404
getting too old for this shit.

#405
>> Say what?

#406
Oh... (laughs)

#407
>> That's what you always say.

#408
>> I know.

#409
>> I brought it back.

#410
That's your...

#411
>> Yeah, I got that.

#412
(both laughing)

#413
Whoa, shit.

#414
Come here, you rascal.

#415
>> Whoa!

#416
>> You want to wrestle, you...

#417
>> You want to go, old man?

#418
>> You young, but you ain't that

#419
strong, baby.

#420
>> You want to go, old man?

#421
You want to go, old man?

#422
>> You too young for this...

#423
>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is

#424
this?

#425
What are you showing me here?

#426
>> We're showing you a

#427
testosterone-driven, male-

#428
skewing action melodrama.

#429
>> Yeah, you're gonna love this

#430
stuff.

#431
>> And, by the way, as a hedge

#432
fund manager, you're used to

#433
this kind of high-stakes,

#434
adrenaline-pumping action, so

#435
this should be perfect for you.

#436
>> I'm a little confused.

#437
>> Oh, is it the character-

#438
switching?

#439
'Cause, just move past that, all

#440
right?

#441
Trust me, our audience has come

#442
to expect that kind of thing

#443
from us.

#444
>> No, no, no, I'm confused

#445
about what you want.

#446
Uh, you need money to fund your

#447
gay porno movie?

#448
>> Oh, goddamn it, Mac.

#449
>> Gay porno movie?

#450
What are you talking about?

#451
>> See? See!

#452
>> You even watching the movie?

#453
Yes, in a lot of ways this is a

#454
love story between two men.

#455
>> No, it isn't.

#456
>> Okay, yes, in a... most ways.

#457
>> No, it isn't.

#458
>> All right, but this is about

#459
as masculine as it gets.

#460
>> It's not, it's not, I mean...

#461
>> No, it isn't, no, it isn't.

#462
You had a butt-double.

#463
>> Oh, of course I had a butt-

#464
double.

#465
You think I'm gonna show my butt

#466
on camera, Charlie?

#467
>> Oh, my God, I was

#468
uncomfortable filming the scene.

#469
>> It's not up to the par of

#470
Murtaugh, okay?

#471
>> If you play the movie, you'll

#472
see...

#473
>> It gets way straighter, I

#474
promise.

#475
>> Push play, you're gonna love

#476
this next part.

#477
>> We'll cut that stuff out.

#478
See, nobody wants that...

#479
>> I sure am glad we came to

#480
this strip club, Riggs.

#481
(chuckles) I do like looking at

#482
beautiful naked women.

#483
>> That's because we're not gay.

#484
>> Right, right.

#485
>> Up next is Lady Starship.

#486
She's gonna blow you away with

#487
her celestial body.

#488
>> (chuckles): Lady Starship--

#489
I like the sound of that.

#490
*

#491
>> Man, what the hell!

#492
>> Oh, what the f...

#493
*

#494
>> (laughs): That's more

#495
like it.

#496
>> Yeah. You like that?

#497
>> I do, yeah.

#498
>> What are you looking at, man?

#499
Shit.

#500
>> Frank, will you pay

#501
attention, man?

#502
I mean, come on, we've been all

#503
over town.

#504
We went to a hedge fund guy, a

#505
dot-com girl, we went to banks.

#506
No one's gonna fund this thing.

#507
>> No, we need to finish the

#508
movie, Frank.

#509
>> All right, I'll give you the

#510
money.

#511
But we do the movie my way.

#512
I want... what I want.

#513
And you know what I want.

#514
>> That's not cool, man.

#515
>> We can make it work, we'll

#516
just have to add some

#517
exposition-- a whole scene

#518
of it.

#519
>> What needs to be explained?

#520
>> It's gonna be perfectly

#521
clear!

#522
It's gonna be way too clear

#523
what's happening.

#524
Frank, it's gonna ruin the

#525
movie, Frank!

#526
>> It's gonna be so confusing...

#527
>> It's not gonna be... it's not

#528
gonna be confusing.

#529
>> We got a deal or what?

#530
(gunshots)

#531
(grunts)

#532
>> Ah! Damn.

#533
>> Damn! They found us!

#534
(automatic gunfire)

#535
>> We got Lazarus trapped in his

#536
own umbrella factory.

#537
Yeah. He gonna do a rain dance

#538
and then make some money on some

#539
umbrellas, man.

#540
He a dirty bitch.

#541
(gunfire continues)

#542
Come on, let's go get him.

#543
(grunting)

#544
>> I'm gonna jump over this!

#545
(gunfire continues)

#546
>> Get over it!

#547
I got you, Riggs! Hurry up!

#548
(automatic gunfire continues)

#549
(grunting)

#550
(bullets ricocheting)

#551
Oh, I'm getting too old for

#552
this shit.

#553
>> Come on, man!

#554
(yells, groans)

#555
We're pinned down, Rog.

#556
>> This could be it, good buddy.

#557
This could be the end.

#558
>> Okay, Rog, if this is the

#559
end, we should be the ones to

#560
end it.

#561
>> You know what? I got this.

#562
(bullet ricochets)

#563
(grunts)

#564
(gunshots)

#565
(automatic gunfire)

#566
(guns clicking)

#567
(gasping)

#568
(grunting)

#569
>> I got that weird Danish twin.

#570
(cackling)

#571
>> Oh, shit!

#572
(bullets ricocheting)

#573
Aw, damn! He got away.

#574
Oh, hey, you know what?

#575
We got to also remember to get

#576
that shaman priestess from the

#577
beginning.

#578
We don't want her bringing him

#579
back from the dead...

#580
again.

#581
>> That's a good point.

#582
>> Where's Mac?

#583
>> He's in the bathroom.

#584
>> Well, that's not gonna work.

#585
I mean, we can't...

#586
>> It's fine, just go, let's go.

#587
>> He's in the bathroom.

#588
He's in the bathroom.

#589
>> Charlie, it's not... we

#590
can't... I mean, it's...

#591
(gunshots)

#592
(bullet ricochets)

#593
(gunshots continue)

#594
>> (grunts): Oh, shit!

#595
Rog, I'm out of bullets!

#596
>> You are?

#597
Oh, I'm out of bullets, too,

#598
Riggs.

#599
Oh, no!

#600
>> Time to kiss L.A. good-bye,

#601
suckers!

#602
'Cause tonight the forecast

#603
calls for rain!

#604
(guttural chanting)

#605
>> Riggs, there's a basketball

#606
right there.

#607
>> You should use it.

#608
>> I know.

#609
Wha... Oh!

#610
>> Oh, shit, Rog.

#611
If you make this shot, you will

#612
have redeemed yourself with the

#613
item that you failed with in the

#614
beginning.

#615
>> That's right.

#616
I can do it, Riggs.

#617
(chuckles): Ho-ho-ho-ho.

#618
In your face, sucker.

#619
>> Yeah, buddy, you did it!

#620
You did exactly what you said

#621
you were gonna do, and now he's

#622
dead.

#623
And now we have to kill that

#624
shaman woman so that she doesn't

#625
come back and reanimate him

#626
again.

#627
>> Wait.

#628
I got a better idea first.

#629
>> What is it?

#630
>> Let me just show you, man,

#631
will you?

#632
We don't have to say everything,

#633
man. Shit.

#634
*

#635
>> You know you always have my

#636
blessin', partner.

#637
>> That's my partner right

#638
there.

#639
>> Yeah.

#640
>> And that's a callback.

#641
From the beginning-- so it's

#642
come full circle.

#643
>> We know.

#644
>> And then we brought you back

#645
from the dead.

#646
Well, the shaman did it.

#647
And then we killed her.

#648
Because we didn't want her to

#649
bring back Lazarus.

#650
>> Okay. We get it.

#651
>> Go ahead.

#652
Kiss her.

#653
>> Kiss her.

#654
>> Kiss her, man.

#655
Yeah.

#656
Come on, man.

#657
(loud explosion)

#658
*

#659
(gunshot)

#660
*

#661
(cackling)

#662
(growls)

#663
>> One last thing, in case

#664
I die.

#665
(rhythmic grunting, gasping)

#666
>> (over video): Oh, my God! Oh!

#667
(rhythmic grunting continues)

#668
>> S-So again, this is what we

#669
were trying to avoid by coming

#670
to you in the first place.

#671
>> Yeah.

#672
Captioned by

#673
Media Access Group at WGBH

#674
access.wgbh.org

#675
(trio chanting backwards)

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