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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S10E03 — Psycho Pete Returns
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Season 10, Episode 3 — Psycho Pete Returns
#1
Oh, yeah.
#2
These are going down real smooth now.
#3
Dee, slow down. You're on pace to drink 130 beers.
#4
Don't ruin this for me, Deandra.
#5
This could be the last chance I got to do something great in my life.
#6
You jerks are just all mad 'cause I'm gonna be the one
#7
to shatter Boss Hogg's drinking record.
#8
Dee, Boss Hogg was a big, fat redneck from The Dukes of Hazzard.
#9
Wade Boggs is a Hall of Fame third baseman.
#10
Yeah, it's Wade Boggs's drinking record, okay?
#11
The man's a legend.
#12
He drank 50 beers on a cross-country flight,
#13
and then absolutely destroyed
#14
the Seattle Mariners the next day, okay?
#15
That's why we're doing this, to honor his memory, okay?
#16
May he rest in peace.
#17
First off, Wade Boggs is very much alive.
#18
Secondly, the number of beers is actually highly disputed.
#19
Some say 50, some teammates said 60,
#20
some said as many as 70 beers.
#21
Which, to be honest, is an absolutely insane amount of beer.
#22
Nobody can drink that much.
#23
Not with an attitude like that.
#24
Perhaps we're taking this a little bit too seriously?
#25
Actually, we're not, okay? The man is a legend.
#26
That's why we're doing this, all right?
#27
To honor his memory. Rest in peace, Wade.
#28
Again, he is still alive.
#29
Always sticking me with the nerds.
#30
- Yes, ma'am? - Uh, actually, I can, uh, handle this one.
#31
We'll be sharing the in-flight call system today.
#32
Excuse me?
#33
Oh, sorry, let me explain. We're doing a Wade Boggs-type thing,
#34
and that makes me sort of the Commissioner Bud Selig of the group.
#35
Oh, you're the commissioner now?
#36
Well, somebody's gotta keep the game fair and everybody invested, okay, Dee?
#37
He didn't win the chugging contest.
#38
Two more beers, please.
#39
- Actually, we're about to take off... - Ooh.
#40
...so I'm gonna need you to stow your tray table.
#41
- Okay. Yeah, yeah. - I can take that and throw it out for you.
#42
Yeah, but just give me a second. Okay? Just give me a second?
#43
- There you go. - Great.
#44
Hold on. Hold on.
#45
Ugh!
#46
Ouch! It's... Really cold.
#47
Damn, Dee...
#48
Oh, God.
#49
You really have to slow down a little bit.
#50
Can I get you something to drink?
#51
Yeah, I'll just get a beer, please.
#52
- Hey, Frank. - Mmm-hmm.
#53
I'm a little concerned about this frat boy over here.
#54
There's only so many beers on the flight.
#55
I'll take care of him.
#56
- For you, sir? - Excuse me, miss?
#57
- Mmm-hmm. - Um, actually, yeah...
#58
How many beers are we allowed to order at once?
#59
I'm not sure. No one has ever asked that before.
#60
Okay, great, so there's no rule on that.
#61
Uh, why don't you give me six, then, please?
#62
How about you make it an even dozen?
#63
How about I start you with two apiece,
#64
and then we just take it from there?
#65
Sure, if you want to be lugging beers back and forth
#66
the entire flight, I guess that's, uh, up to you.
#67
I'll be taking care of everybody on the Boggs account.
#68
Oh, and by the way, do you sell condoms?
#69
No, I'm afraid we don't.
#70
- Aw... - Yeah.
#71
I'll have to figure something else out.
#72
- Got it. - Thank you so much.
#73
- Hey... Frank. - Hmm?
#74
What's with the condom thing?
#75
You think the Boggs record is the only one I'm going for?
#76
I'm gonna become the first-ever member of the Air Sex Society.
#77
Okay. What is that?
#78
That means I'm gonna be plowing somebody in the bathroom
#79
before this plane lands.
#80
Right, but do you think you just made that up?
#81
Because that's already a thing. It's called the Mile High Club.
#82
People have been doing it since planes have been around.
#83
That name sucks.
#84
I'll tell you what, though.
#85
I will make you a bet that I plow somebody on this fight,
#86
somewhere other than the bathroom, before we hit the Great Lakes.
#87
- I'll take that bet. - Yeah?
#88
Whoa, whoa.
#89
Did I hear you guys talking about a bet?
#90
There's no betting, okay? That compromises the integrity of the game.
#91
It's got nothing to do with the Wade Boggs thing.
#92
It doesn't matter, okay? That's a rule...
#93
...and as commissioner, you have to obey me.
#94
Right, Commissioner.
#95
Go get me another beer.
#96
Okay, I will, but not because you told me to,
#97
but because I'm commissioner and that's my job.
#98
Yeah.
#99
You're on.
#100
Pathetic.
#101
Twenty-nine beers.
#102
- How can I help you? - Hmm? Oh.
#103
Hey-oh!
#104
This is my guy.
#105
- Yeah. - Hey, I got a couple more for you, bud,
#106
so just grab that. Actually, while you're here,
#107
could I have a rum and Coke, please?
#108
Uh, oh, uh, hold on one second.
#109
It's a beer-drinking contest, Charlie.
#110
No, that's cool, I'm still doing the Boggs thing, but you know what?
#111
A stiff cocktail would go good with my chicken, so...
#112
Why are you filling up with chicken?
#113
Do you know anything about Wade Boggs?
#114
The man ate a chicken before every game, all right?
#115
That's why they called him the Chicken Man.
#116
Man batted .328 lifetime.
#117
I'm sure he ate some rum and Cokes, too, all right?
#118
You just said "ate rum and Cokes."
#119
You're getting a little buzzed.
#120
You shouldn't be drinking hard alcohol.
#121
No, I said one rum and Coke. Just one, please. Make it a double, though.
#122
Hey-oh! Mama needs another pop, pop
#123
Hey, pop, soda pop, soda pop...
#124
What are you doing?
#125
Why are you dancing around like a jackass?
#126
Wade Boggs would roll in his grave if he could see your behavior.
#127
Wade Boggs is alive.
#128
- Huh? - He lives in Tampa, Florida.
#129
He's in his early 50s. And you... Where did you come from?
#130
You were just passed out two minutes ago.
#131
I know it, I was, and then I popped a couple of these babies.
#132
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
#133
- What the hell are those, Dee? - Greenies. Uppers.
#134
Vitt! Feel like I got a rocket up my ass.
#135
These guys find out that you're taking performance-enhancing drugs,
#136
the integrity of the game is completely compromised,
#137
- all right? - Oh, shit.
#138
As the Bud Selig of the group,
#139
it's my job to quietly sweep this under the rug
#140
before anybody finds out.
#141
You know, Commissioner, you just... You kind of
#142
- just lost the chugging contest... - Go.
#143
Hey!
#144
You know, I actually went to school at the same college,
#145
- your alma mater, in 1966. - Yeah?
#146
Yeah, here, have a beer, huh?
#147
- Oh, that's nice of you. - Yeah, yeah, good, yeah.
#148
Drink up.
#149
Frank?
#150
Did you just buy frat boy a beer?
#151
Don't worry about it.
#152
I laced it with sleeping pills.
#153
He's gonna be out like a light in two minutes.
#154
That is some diabolical shit, dude.
#155
So what's going on with the sex moves?
#156
I've been laying chum up and down this plane.
#157
Yeah, I know. I've noticed.
#158
Yeah, I've got my prey picked out.
#159
I'm just waiting for the right moment to pounce.
#160
What are you talking about? You haven't moved an inch.
#161
You're just drinking.
#162
- Oh, is that what you think? - Mmm-hmm.
#163
Frank, of the 206 passengers on this flight,
#164
98 of them are women,
#165
but only one of them is a suitable candidate. 44G.
#166
Notice how she glances forlornly at the empty seat next to her.
#167
It was meant for someone special.
#168
And the tan line on her ring finger suggests
#169
the wound is still fresh, leaving her vulnerable.
#170
Furthermore, when we hit turbulence earlier, she giggled,
#171
telling me she's a bit of a thrill seeker.
#172
You think she offed the guy and went on the run?
#173
Pretty tough to lay low in a dress like that.
#174
Granted, it's not a particularly remarkable garment.
#175
It's from the J Crew Spring 2012 collection.
#176
Although, it is a bit much for an airplane.
#177
Furthermore, if she were standing,
#178
you'd notice she's got no panty line,
#179
giving me about five extra seconds to enter her swiftly
#180
before she realizes I am not the answer to her problems.
#181
I'll tell you my tastes lie a little bit more in 39F.
#182
No.
#183
No, thank you, Frank.
#184
No, her blouse is covered in cigarette burns.
#185
And I imagine underneath that blouse, you'll find copious
#186
amounts of road rash,
#187
probably sustained in some sort of off-roading accident,
#188
which would also explain her limp.
#189
Although, something tells me the two are unrelated.
#190
Either way, she's North Dakota trash
#191
through and through and far beneath a gentleman such as myself.
#192
Uh, miss? Six more beers.
#193
Hey-oh! Ah, there we go. Yeah.
#194
- Hey, listen, Charlie? - Yeah.
#195
I need you to start a McGwire/Sosa-like rivalry with Dee.
#196
Look, I think you're getting, like, too worked up about this thing.
#197
Can we just drink the beer and hang out, you know?
#198
Well, here... Here's the thing.
#199
The game seems to be getting a little bit off the rails.
#200
Frank and Dennis are super distracted,
#201
and Dee is kind of just running away with it.
#202
Boggsy didn't drink six gallons of beer
#203
because he was obsessed with, like, breaking some record.
#204
You know what I mean?
#205
He did it 'cause he was just, like, thirsty, you know?
#206
And looking to pass the time.
#207
Yeah, but I can sell a rivalry, all right?
#208
What I can't sell is... 27 beers.
#209
What am I gonna do with 27 beers?
#210
Who cares about 27 beers?
#211
We're not selling anything.
#212
Like, I think you're taking the commissioner thing way...
#213
Look, you lost the chugging contest, man. It's not a big deal.
#214
Why did you make me Bud Selig if you didn't...
#215
Nobody did. You just started saying that. Look, I got empties for you.
#216
Just take those and don't, like,
#217
put so much pressure on yourself over...
#218
Attention, passengers.
#219
This is your captain, Boss Hogg, speaking.
#220
And this cold slice of heaven is my 40th beer of the afternoon.
#221
So any of you dicknips think you can slug it down faster than me,
#222
you're welcome to get your fat asses up here to try.
#223
- Mmm-mmm. - Yeah, no.
#224
- Mmm-mmm. - Put your...
#225
- Mmm-mmm. - Oh, I'm gonna need that.
#226
- Ah, you... Ruining everything. - Okay.
#227
The Boggs group is cut off.
#228
What? Aw, dude. That's not good.
#229
- I can't stop drinking now. - Damn it!
#230
I'll probably die, dude.
#231
I'm running low, too. Shit.
#232
Okay, luckily I came prepared.
#233
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
#234
Charlie, we're not on a wide-body DC-10 for nothing.
#235
Right. We bought tickets.
#236
Well, yes, but we chose a wide-body DC-10 on purpose.
#237
- That's what I was... - To get up in the sky.
#238
Let me walk you through it.
#239
I got 100 extra beers in a checked bag, okay?
#240
Now, according to movies like Executive Decision and Passenger 57,
#241
there is a secret hatch on every plane
#242
that allows me to travel freely throughout the aircraft.
#243
Well, everybody knows that.
#244
Yeah, so I just got to find my right time to get down there.
#245
- I think you're probably good anytime. - Just do it.
#246
- This stewardess is like, not on the ball. - ...just right now, right?
#247
Hey-oh.
#248
Why isn't the door locked, Frank?
#249
I'm posting up.
#250
Half the battle is getting them to follow you to the bathroom.
#251
This way, I'm sitting here.
#252
It's like lambs to the slaughter.
#253
Ah! What's happening to me?
#254
Some... Something is wrong.
#255
Ladies and gentlemen, if there's a doctor on board,
#256
please press your call button.
#257
Something is wrong with me.
#258
Dude, how many sleeping pills did you give that kid?
#259
I don't know... Seven? 12?
#260
12?
#261
Yeah! What? You told me to take care of him.
#262
I didn't tell you to kill him.
#263
Well, you better go do something,
#264
otherwise they're gonna have to make an emergency landing
#265
and this whole thing's gonna be screwed!
#266
Ah, shit!
#267
Uh, what seems to be the problem here?
#268
Are you a doctor?
#269
Mantis Toboggan, MD.
#270
You want this young man to live,
#271
you're gonna have to give me some aspirin, a roll of duct tape,
#272
a bag of peanuts and four beers.
#273
Jackpot.
#274
This way.
#275
Shh. Nice.
#276
All right, here we go.
#277
Speed it up a little bit, honey?
#278
Okay.
#279
- Ooh. Wow! - Yeah!
#280
Ugh.
#281
Oh, you really know your way around.
#282
Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision
#283
or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.
#284
You're weird.
#285
You have no idea.
#286
- Oh... - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
#287
Nothing with my lips, all right?
#288
- Okay. - I don't want to do that with you.
#289
Mind if I take a pill?
#290
Yeah, sure, take a pill.
#291
All right, well, that's happening.
#292
Now, just do that. That's a boy!
#293
Is it really necessary to restrain him like this?
#294
You can never be too careful with altitude sickness.
#295
One time, this broad chewed through the fuselage of a 747!
#296
Luckily, I'm a pilot, too.
#297
I inverted the bird and landed her safely in an open field.
#298
Okay, I'm sorry.
#299
I'm gonna need to see some identification.
#300
You don't think I'm a pilot?
#301
I don't think you're a doctor.
#302
That is a serious accusation!
#303
You've had 14 beers.
#304
You don't know that.
#305
It's written on your shirt.
#306
How would you like to go to the bathroom with me?
#307
I got to go.
#308
You and me?
#309
Well, Frank...
#310
I have singlehandedly pushed the limits of high-altitude eroticism.
#311
You banged her?
#312
- Yeah. - What happened to the classy broad?
#313
Oh, happily married. Yeah.
#314
Turns out she takes her ring off
#315
when she flies 'cause her fingers swell. Yeah.
#316
But it's all good, Frank.
#317
You know, hey, turns out Boggs, he didn't hit it
#318
out of the park every single time at bat.
#319
Mmm-hmm.
#320
He just tried to get the ball in play and hope he could squeak it through the hole.
#321
And I just squeaked it through multiple holes if you know what I'm saying.
#322
Don't you!
#323
Ladies and gentlemen,
#324
please fasten your seat belts as we begin our initial descent into North Dakota.
#325
Oh, shit. Well, you know, you heard the captain.
#326
On your bike.
#327
I wish I could just sit with you.
#328
Yeah. Hmm.
#329
But, you know, there's already a guy in the seat, so...
#330
Oh. Excuse me, Mr. Person,
#331
would you mind switching seats so I could sit with my boyfriend?
#332
Thank you.
#333
Hello, Charlie.
#334
Oh, shit!
#335
You're the ghost of Wade Boggs!
#336
I'm not a ghost, Charlie. You're just hallucinating.
#337
You've had over 30 beers, dude!
#338
Uh, you did? Nice, man.
#339
- You know, your friend Mac is right. - Oh, yeah?
#340
I didn't win five batting titles
#341
- because it was fun. - Right.
#342
I won it because I wanted to be the best.
#343
You see what I'm saying?
#344
Nah, not really, man.
#345
There's nothing more fun than winning.
#346
So, come on, drink up.
#347
- I'll have one with you. Yeah. - Nice! All right!
#348
- Let's do it, Boggs! Let's drink! - All right.
#349
Cheers!
#350
Howdy, Dee.
#351
Well, what do you say, Boss?
#352
Now, I know you're not quitting on me.
#353
I need you to keep drinking those beers, so you can help me
#354
stop them Duke boys from spoiling all my crooked
#355
Hazzard County schemes!
#356
You got it, Boss Hoss.
#357
All right! Well, here we are...
#358
Beautiful North Dakota.
#359
Hope you brought a coat 'cause it looks cold as shit out there.
#360
I don't live in North Dakota.
#361
You're going to LA?
#362
About 200 miles inland.
#363
The Salton Sea.
#364
My family has a tilapia farm there.
#365
Goddamn.
#366
Good. Good for them.
#367
- Will you excuse me for a minute? - Sure.
#368
- Dennis, Dennis? - Huh?
#369
Where you going?
#370
Oh, uh, I mistook that girl for Great Plains trash.
#371
She's actually desert trash.
#372
I should've picked up on the multiple gecko tattoos, so this is kind of on me.
#373
Either way, I'd rather stay in this barren wasteland of a state
#374
than spend one more minute with that filth.
#375
I'll see you back in Philly.
#376
Wait, wait, Dennis. Don't go.
#377
Now you can go.
#378
Come on! Drink! Drink! You guys can do it! You guys are gonna make it!
#379
I can't believe what we are witnessing here.
#380
We are making history here, people!
#381
We're making history!
#382
Beer me, baby.
#383
You're 40 beers back, bitch!
#384
Just sit back and enjoy the show.
#385
Well, I'm tired of people telling me what I can't do.
#386
They say I can't drink on a plane.
#387
They say I can't bang on a plane.
#388
They'll say I can't be a pilot.
#389
I can't be a doctor.
#390
I'm gonna do it.
#391
I'm gonna do it right in front of your face.
#392
I'm gonna chug 15 beers right now.
#393
Oh, that's so cold.
#394
Beer's cold.
#395
There's a...
#396
All right.
#397
Instant rebuff.
#398
Just leave me here.
#399
Okay, guys, here we go.
#400
Almost there! Almost there!
#401
Wake up! Perk up! Perk up!
#402
Guys, we're at 70 beers.
#403
That means one more to break the record.
#404
- Come on. - Come on, you can do it!
#405
Go! Chug it! Chug it!
#406
Come on, come on, you can do it.
#407
You can do it! I believe in you!
#408
Yeah!
#409
Yeah, Dee, go!
#410
I did it!
#411
- 71 beers! Holy shit! - I'm the king.
#412
I'm the king, Boss Hoss.
#413
But you're not done yet.
#414
Yeah, no. Uh, Boggs didn't just drink enough beer to kill a horse.
#415
He also suited up the next day
#416
and went three for five, so you're gonna have to do that.
#417
Yeah, totally. All right...
#418
Uh, where's Dee?
#419
What?
#420
Okay, here we go, Charlie.
#421
You got to go at least three for 10, all right?
#422
You ready?
#423
Okay, I'm gonna put a little mustard on this one, all right?
#424
All right.
#425
Holy shit, dude!
#426
You roped that!
#427
- Wow! - All right, give me another one.
#428
You know, that's the only ball I have,
#429
and I didn't expect you to hit it that far.
#430
I really don't feel like going to get it.
#431
So, I'm the commissioner. I say you did it!
#432
Yeah!
#433
Hey, one for one... That's batting .1000, dude.
#434
Yeah!
#435
- Nice work! - Yeah!
#436
- Hey, man? - Yeah?
#437
It's kind of gloomy, huh?
#438
Yeah.
#439
Well, if we hurry up, we can get back to the airport
#440
and get a red-eye back to Philly.
#441
They got chicken, yeah!
#442
Hey, let's go grab a beer, huh?
#443
I'm talkin' baseball
#444
Kluszewski, Campanella
#445
Talkin' baseball
#446
The Man and Bobby Feller
#447
The Scooter, the Barber and the Newc
#448
They knew 'em all from Boston to Dubuque
#449
Especially Willie
#450
Mickey and the Duke
#451
Well, Casey was winning Hank Aaron was beginning
#452
One Robbie going out, one coming in
#453
Kiner and Midget Gaedel, the Thumper and Mel Parnell
#454
And Ike was the only one
#455
Winning down in Washington...
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