Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E03 — Psycho Pete Returns

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 3 — Psycho Pete Returns

#1
Oh, yeah.

#2
These are going down real smooth now.

#3
Dee, slow down. You're on pace to drink 130 beers.

#4
Don't ruin this for me, Deandra.

#5
This could be the last chance I got to do something great in my life.

#6
You jerks are just all mad 'cause I'm gonna be the one

#7
to shatter Boss Hogg's drinking record.

#8
Dee, Boss Hogg was a big, fat redneck from The Dukes of Hazzard.

#9
Wade Boggs is a Hall of Fame third baseman.

#10
Yeah, it's Wade Boggs's drinking record, okay?

#11
The man's a legend.

#12
He drank 50 beers on a cross-country flight,

#13
and then absolutely destroyed

#14
the Seattle Mariners the next day, okay?

#15
That's why we're doing this, to honor his memory, okay?

#16
May he rest in peace.

#17
First off, Wade Boggs is very much alive.

#18
Secondly, the number of beers is actually highly disputed.

#19
Some say 50, some teammates said 60,

#20
some said as many as 70 beers.

#21
Which, to be honest, is an absolutely insane amount of beer.

#22
Nobody can drink that much.

#23
Not with an attitude like that.

#24
Perhaps we're taking this a little bit too seriously?

#25
Actually, we're not, okay? The man is a legend.

#26
That's why we're doing this, all right?

#27
To honor his memory. Rest in peace, Wade.

#28
Again, he is still alive.

#29
Always sticking me with the nerds.

#30
- Yes, ma'am? - Uh, actually, I can, uh, handle this one.

#31
We'll be sharing the in-flight call system today.

#32
Excuse me?

#33
Oh, sorry, let me explain. We're doing a Wade Boggs-type thing,

#34
and that makes me sort of the Commissioner Bud Selig of the group.

#35
Oh, you're the commissioner now?

#36
Well, somebody's gotta keep the game fair and everybody invested, okay, Dee?

#37
He didn't win the chugging contest.

#38
Two more beers, please.

#39
- Actually, we're about to take off... - Ooh.

#40
...so I'm gonna need you to stow your tray table.

#41
- Okay. Yeah, yeah. - I can take that and throw it out for you.

#42
Yeah, but just give me a second. Okay? Just give me a second?

#43
- There you go. - Great.

#44
Hold on. Hold on.

#45
Ugh!

#46
Ouch! It's... Really cold.

#47
Damn, Dee...

#48
Oh, God.

#49
You really have to slow down a little bit.

#50
Can I get you something to drink?

#51
Yeah, I'll just get a beer, please.

#52
- Hey, Frank. - Mmm-hmm.

#53
I'm a little concerned about this frat boy over here.

#54
There's only so many beers on the flight.

#55
I'll take care of him.

#56
- For you, sir? - Excuse me, miss?

#57
- Mmm-hmm. - Um, actually, yeah...

#58
How many beers are we allowed to order at once?

#59
I'm not sure. No one has ever asked that before.

#60
Okay, great, so there's no rule on that.

#61
Uh, why don't you give me six, then, please?

#62
How about you make it an even dozen?

#63
How about I start you with two apiece,

#64
and then we just take it from there?

#65
Sure, if you want to be lugging beers back and forth

#66
the entire flight, I guess that's, uh, up to you.

#67
I'll be taking care of everybody on the Boggs account.

#68
Oh, and by the way, do you sell condoms?

#69
No, I'm afraid we don't.

#70
- Aw... - Yeah.

#71
I'll have to figure something else out.

#72
- Got it. - Thank you so much.

#73
- Hey... Frank. - Hmm?

#74
What's with the condom thing?

#75
You think the Boggs record is the only one I'm going for?

#76
I'm gonna become the first-ever member of the Air Sex Society.

#77
Okay. What is that?

#78
That means I'm gonna be plowing somebody in the bathroom

#79
before this plane lands.

#80
Right, but do you think you just made that up?

#81
Because that's already a thing. It's called the Mile High Club.

#82
People have been doing it since planes have been around.

#83
That name sucks.

#84
I'll tell you what, though.

#85
I will make you a bet that I plow somebody on this fight,

#86
somewhere other than the bathroom, before we hit the Great Lakes.

#87
- I'll take that bet. - Yeah?

#88
Whoa, whoa.

#89
Did I hear you guys talking about a bet?

#90
There's no betting, okay? That compromises the integrity of the game.

#91
It's got nothing to do with the Wade Boggs thing.

#92
It doesn't matter, okay? That's a rule...

#93
...and as commissioner, you have to obey me.

#94
Right, Commissioner.

#95
Go get me another beer.

#96
Okay, I will, but not because you told me to,

#97
but because I'm commissioner and that's my job.

#98
Yeah.

#99
You're on.

#100
Pathetic.

#101
Twenty-nine beers.

#102
- How can I help you? - Hmm? Oh.

#103
Hey-oh!

#104
This is my guy.

#105
- Yeah. - Hey, I got a couple more for you, bud,

#106
so just grab that. Actually, while you're here,

#107
could I have a rum and Coke, please?

#108
Uh, oh, uh, hold on one second.

#109
It's a beer-drinking contest, Charlie.

#110
No, that's cool, I'm still doing the Boggs thing, but you know what?

#111
A stiff cocktail would go good with my chicken, so...

#112
Why are you filling up with chicken?

#113
Do you know anything about Wade Boggs?

#114
The man ate a chicken before every game, all right?

#115
That's why they called him the Chicken Man.

#116
Man batted .328 lifetime.

#117
I'm sure he ate some rum and Cokes, too, all right?

#118
You just said "ate rum and Cokes."

#119
You're getting a little buzzed.

#120
You shouldn't be drinking hard alcohol.

#121
No, I said one rum and Coke. Just one, please. Make it a double, though.

#122
Hey-oh! Mama needs another pop, pop

#123
Hey, pop, soda pop, soda pop...

#124
What are you doing?

#125
Why are you dancing around like a jackass?

#126
Wade Boggs would roll in his grave if he could see your behavior.

#127
Wade Boggs is alive.

#128
- Huh? - He lives in Tampa, Florida.

#129
He's in his early 50s. And you... Where did you come from?

#130
You were just passed out two minutes ago.

#131
I know it, I was, and then I popped a couple of these babies.

#132
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#133
- What the hell are those, Dee? - Greenies. Uppers.

#134
Vitt! Feel like I got a rocket up my ass.

#135
These guys find out that you're taking performance-enhancing drugs,

#136
the integrity of the game is completely compromised,

#137
- all right? - Oh, shit.

#138
As the Bud Selig of the group,

#139
it's my job to quietly sweep this under the rug

#140
before anybody finds out.

#141
You know, Commissioner, you just... You kind of

#142
- just lost the chugging contest... - Go.

#143
Hey!

#144
You know, I actually went to school at the same college,

#145
- your alma mater, in 1966. - Yeah?

#146
Yeah, here, have a beer, huh?

#147
- Oh, that's nice of you. - Yeah, yeah, good, yeah.

#148
Drink up.

#149
Frank?

#150
Did you just buy frat boy a beer?

#151
Don't worry about it.

#152
I laced it with sleeping pills.

#153
He's gonna be out like a light in two minutes.

#154
That is some diabolical shit, dude.

#155
So what's going on with the sex moves?

#156
I've been laying chum up and down this plane.

#157
Yeah, I know. I've noticed.

#158
Yeah, I've got my prey picked out.

#159
I'm just waiting for the right moment to pounce.

#160
What are you talking about? You haven't moved an inch.

#161
You're just drinking.

#162
- Oh, is that what you think? - Mmm-hmm.

#163
Frank, of the 206 passengers on this flight,

#164
98 of them are women,

#165
but only one of them is a suitable candidate. 44G.

#166
Notice how she glances forlornly at the empty seat next to her.

#167
It was meant for someone special.

#168
And the tan line on her ring finger suggests

#169
the wound is still fresh, leaving her vulnerable.

#170
Furthermore, when we hit turbulence earlier, she giggled,

#171
telling me she's a bit of a thrill seeker.

#172
You think she offed the guy and went on the run?

#173
Pretty tough to lay low in a dress like that.

#174
Granted, it's not a particularly remarkable garment.

#175
It's from the J Crew Spring 2012 collection.

#176
Although, it is a bit much for an airplane.

#177
Furthermore, if she were standing,

#178
you'd notice she's got no panty line,

#179
giving me about five extra seconds to enter her swiftly

#180
before she realizes I am not the answer to her problems.

#181
I'll tell you my tastes lie a little bit more in 39F.

#182
No.

#183
No, thank you, Frank.

#184
No, her blouse is covered in cigarette burns.

#185
And I imagine underneath that blouse, you'll find copious

#186
amounts of road rash,

#187
probably sustained in some sort of off-roading accident,

#188
which would also explain her limp.

#189
Although, something tells me the two are unrelated.

#190
Either way, she's North Dakota trash

#191
through and through and far beneath a gentleman such as myself.

#192
Uh, miss? Six more beers.

#193
Hey-oh! Ah, there we go. Yeah.

#194
- Hey, listen, Charlie? - Yeah.

#195
I need you to start a McGwire/Sosa-like rivalry with Dee.

#196
Look, I think you're getting, like, too worked up about this thing.

#197
Can we just drink the beer and hang out, you know?

#198
Well, here... Here's the thing.

#199
The game seems to be getting a little bit off the rails.

#200
Frank and Dennis are super distracted,

#201
and Dee is kind of just running away with it.

#202
Boggsy didn't drink six gallons of beer

#203
because he was obsessed with, like, breaking some record.

#204
You know what I mean?

#205
He did it 'cause he was just, like, thirsty, you know?

#206
And looking to pass the time.

#207
Yeah, but I can sell a rivalry, all right?

#208
What I can't sell is... 27 beers.

#209
What am I gonna do with 27 beers?

#210
Who cares about 27 beers?

#211
We're not selling anything.

#212
Like, I think you're taking the commissioner thing way...

#213
Look, you lost the chugging contest, man. It's not a big deal.

#214
Why did you make me Bud Selig if you didn't...

#215
Nobody did. You just started saying that. Look, I got empties for you.

#216
Just take those and don't, like,

#217
put so much pressure on yourself over...

#218
Attention, passengers.

#219
This is your captain, Boss Hogg, speaking.

#220
And this cold slice of heaven is my 40th beer of the afternoon.

#221
So any of you dicknips think you can slug it down faster than me,

#222
you're welcome to get your fat asses up here to try.

#223
- Mmm-mmm. - Yeah, no.

#224
- Mmm-mmm. - Put your...

#225
- Mmm-mmm. - Oh, I'm gonna need that.

#226
- Ah, you... Ruining everything. - Okay.

#227
The Boggs group is cut off.

#228
What? Aw, dude. That's not good.

#229
- I can't stop drinking now. - Damn it!

#230
I'll probably die, dude.

#231
I'm running low, too. Shit.

#232
Okay, luckily I came prepared.

#233
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

#234
Charlie, we're not on a wide-body DC-10 for nothing.

#235
Right. We bought tickets.

#236
Well, yes, but we chose a wide-body DC-10 on purpose.

#237
- That's what I was... - To get up in the sky.

#238
Let me walk you through it.

#239
I got 100 extra beers in a checked bag, okay?

#240
Now, according to movies like Executive Decision and Passenger 57,

#241
there is a secret hatch on every plane

#242
that allows me to travel freely throughout the aircraft.

#243
Well, everybody knows that.

#244
Yeah, so I just got to find my right time to get down there.

#245
- I think you're probably good anytime. - Just do it.

#246
- This stewardess is like, not on the ball. - ...just right now, right?

#247
Hey-oh.

#248
Why isn't the door locked, Frank?

#249
I'm posting up.

#250
Half the battle is getting them to follow you to the bathroom.

#251
This way, I'm sitting here.

#252
It's like lambs to the slaughter.

#253
Ah! What's happening to me?

#254
Some... Something is wrong.

#255
Ladies and gentlemen, if there's a doctor on board,

#256
please press your call button.

#257
Something is wrong with me.

#258
Dude, how many sleeping pills did you give that kid?

#259
I don't know... Seven? 12?

#260
12?

#261
Yeah! What? You told me to take care of him.

#262
I didn't tell you to kill him.

#263
Well, you better go do something,

#264
otherwise they're gonna have to make an emergency landing

#265
and this whole thing's gonna be screwed!

#266
Ah, shit!

#267
Uh, what seems to be the problem here?

#268
Are you a doctor?

#269
Mantis Toboggan, MD.

#270
You want this young man to live,

#271
you're gonna have to give me some aspirin, a roll of duct tape,

#272
a bag of peanuts and four beers.

#273
Jackpot.

#274
This way.

#275
Shh. Nice.

#276
All right, here we go.

#277
Speed it up a little bit, honey?

#278
Okay.

#279
- Ooh. Wow! - Yeah!

#280
Ugh.

#281
Oh, you really know your way around.

#282
Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision

#283
or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.

#284
You're weird.

#285
You have no idea.

#286
- Oh... - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

#287
Nothing with my lips, all right?

#288
- Okay. - I don't want to do that with you.

#289
Mind if I take a pill?

#290
Yeah, sure, take a pill.

#291
All right, well, that's happening.

#292
Now, just do that. That's a boy!

#293
Is it really necessary to restrain him like this?

#294
You can never be too careful with altitude sickness.

#295
One time, this broad chewed through the fuselage of a 747!

#296
Luckily, I'm a pilot, too.

#297
I inverted the bird and landed her safely in an open field.

#298
Okay, I'm sorry.

#299
I'm gonna need to see some identification.

#300
You don't think I'm a pilot?

#301
I don't think you're a doctor.

#302
That is a serious accusation!

#303
You've had 14 beers.

#304
You don't know that.

#305
It's written on your shirt.

#306
How would you like to go to the bathroom with me?

#307
I got to go.

#308
You and me?

#309
Well, Frank...

#310
I have singlehandedly pushed the limits of high-altitude eroticism.

#311
You banged her?

#312
- Yeah. - What happened to the classy broad?

#313
Oh, happily married. Yeah.

#314
Turns out she takes her ring off

#315
when she flies 'cause her fingers swell. Yeah.

#316
But it's all good, Frank.

#317
You know, hey, turns out Boggs, he didn't hit it

#318
out of the park every single time at bat.

#319
Mmm-hmm.

#320
He just tried to get the ball in play and hope he could squeak it through the hole.

#321
And I just squeaked it through multiple holes if you know what I'm saying.

#322
Don't you!

#323
Ladies and gentlemen,

#324
please fasten your seat belts as we begin our initial descent into North Dakota.

#325
Oh, shit. Well, you know, you heard the captain.

#326
On your bike.

#327
I wish I could just sit with you.

#328
Yeah. Hmm.

#329
But, you know, there's already a guy in the seat, so...

#330
Oh. Excuse me, Mr. Person,

#331
would you mind switching seats so I could sit with my boyfriend?

#332
Thank you.

#333
Hello, Charlie.

#334
Oh, shit!

#335
You're the ghost of Wade Boggs!

#336
I'm not a ghost, Charlie. You're just hallucinating.

#337
You've had over 30 beers, dude!

#338
Uh, you did? Nice, man.

#339
- You know, your friend Mac is right. - Oh, yeah?

#340
I didn't win five batting titles

#341
- because it was fun. - Right.

#342
I won it because I wanted to be the best.

#343
You see what I'm saying?

#344
Nah, not really, man.

#345
There's nothing more fun than winning.

#346
So, come on, drink up.

#347
- I'll have one with you. Yeah. - Nice! All right!

#348
- Let's do it, Boggs! Let's drink! - All right.

#349
Cheers!

#350
Howdy, Dee.

#351
Well, what do you say, Boss?

#352
Now, I know you're not quitting on me.

#353
I need you to keep drinking those beers, so you can help me

#354
stop them Duke boys from spoiling all my crooked

#355
Hazzard County schemes!

#356
You got it, Boss Hoss.

#357
All right! Well, here we are...

#358
Beautiful North Dakota.

#359
Hope you brought a coat 'cause it looks cold as shit out there.

#360
I don't live in North Dakota.

#361
You're going to LA?

#362
About 200 miles inland.

#363
The Salton Sea.

#364
My family has a tilapia farm there.

#365
Goddamn.

#366
Good. Good for them.

#367
- Will you excuse me for a minute? - Sure.

#368
- Dennis, Dennis? - Huh?

#369
Where you going?

#370
Oh, uh, I mistook that girl for Great Plains trash.

#371
She's actually desert trash.

#372
I should've picked up on the multiple gecko tattoos, so this is kind of on me.

#373
Either way, I'd rather stay in this barren wasteland of a state

#374
than spend one more minute with that filth.

#375
I'll see you back in Philly.

#376
Wait, wait, Dennis. Don't go.

#377
Now you can go.

#378
Come on! Drink! Drink! You guys can do it! You guys are gonna make it!

#379
I can't believe what we are witnessing here.

#380
We are making history here, people!

#381
We're making history!

#382
Beer me, baby.

#383
You're 40 beers back, bitch!

#384
Just sit back and enjoy the show.

#385
Well, I'm tired of people telling me what I can't do.

#386
They say I can't drink on a plane.

#387
They say I can't bang on a plane.

#388
They'll say I can't be a pilot.

#389
I can't be a doctor.

#390
I'm gonna do it.

#391
I'm gonna do it right in front of your face.

#392
I'm gonna chug 15 beers right now.

#393
Oh, that's so cold.

#394
Beer's cold.

#395
There's a...

#396
All right.

#397
Instant rebuff.

#398
Just leave me here.

#399
Okay, guys, here we go.

#400
Almost there! Almost there!

#401
Wake up! Perk up! Perk up!

#402
Guys, we're at 70 beers.

#403
That means one more to break the record.

#404
- Come on. - Come on, you can do it!

#405
Go! Chug it! Chug it!

#406
Come on, come on, you can do it.

#407
You can do it! I believe in you!

#408
Yeah!

#409
Yeah, Dee, go!

#410
I did it!

#411
- 71 beers! Holy shit! - I'm the king.

#412
I'm the king, Boss Hoss.

#413
But you're not done yet.

#414
Yeah, no. Uh, Boggs didn't just drink enough beer to kill a horse.

#415
He also suited up the next day

#416
and went three for five, so you're gonna have to do that.

#417
Yeah, totally. All right...

#418
Uh, where's Dee?

#419
What?

#420
Okay, here we go, Charlie.

#421
You got to go at least three for 10, all right?

#422
You ready?

#423
Okay, I'm gonna put a little mustard on this one, all right?

#424
All right.

#425
Holy shit, dude!

#426
You roped that!

#427
- Wow! - All right, give me another one.

#428
You know, that's the only ball I have,

#429
and I didn't expect you to hit it that far.

#430
I really don't feel like going to get it.

#431
So, I'm the commissioner. I say you did it!

#432
Yeah!

#433
Hey, one for one... That's batting .1000, dude.

#434
Yeah!

#435
- Nice work! - Yeah!

#436
- Hey, man? - Yeah?

#437
It's kind of gloomy, huh?

#438
Yeah.

#439
Well, if we hurry up, we can get back to the airport

#440
and get a red-eye back to Philly.

#441
They got chicken, yeah!

#442
Hey, let's go grab a beer, huh?

#443
I'm talkin' baseball

#444
Kluszewski, Campanella

#445
Talkin' baseball

#446
The Man and Bobby Feller

#447
The Scooter, the Barber and the Newc

#448
They knew 'em all from Boston to Dubuque

#449
Especially Willie

#450
Mickey and the Duke

#451
Well, Casey was winning Hank Aaron was beginning

#452
One Robbie going out, one coming in

#453
Kiner and Midget Gaedel, the Thumper and Mel Parnell

#454
And Ike was the only one

#455
Winning down in Washington...

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