Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E05 — The Gang Spies Like U S

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 5 — The Gang Spies Like U S

#1
That's what's good about a beer.

#2
- Yeah, it's good. - It just keeps cycling through you...

#3
Guys, guys! We got news.

#4
- We've got terrible news. - Yeah.

#5
- What do you got? - What do you got?

#6
You know that Chinese fish factory across the street?

#7
The one with the horrible smell?

#8
Yeah. Of course. Disgusting.

#9
They've installed security cameras pointed directly at Paddy's.

#10
- What? - They're pointing them at us?

#11
- They can't do that. - That's bullshit!

#12
Are they spying on us?

#13
Yes, dude, I think they're spying on us, and you know what else?

#14
They bought the building next door and they are expanding like crazy.

#15
I'm telling you, it is only a matter of time before the Chinese take us over.

#16
Oh, they've always been very secretive for a fish factory.

#17
And do you ever feel like maybe they're using that fish smell

#18
to cover up maybe some other mysterious smell?

#19
It is an incredibly strong smell.

#20
- It's turned me off of fish. - Me, too!

#21
That's so bad. I'm off of fish.

#22
And I used to eat so much fish, guys, I mean...

#23
'Cause fish has all the good fatty acids, right?

#24
A good, solid fish?

#25
Protein, omega numbers...

#26
So many omegas, threes, fours and fives.

#27
- Melts in your mouth. - You get to eat all your scales.

#28
- No, you don't eat the scales. - You don't get scales

#29
unless it's a fish or a reptile.

#30
- Don't eat reptiles. - Not all reptiles, just the good ones.

#31
Okay, guys, we got a plan. Dee, come with us.

#32
- Yeah. - You're gonna help us gather intel.

#33
- Let's do it, come on. - There she goes.

#34
All right, and then, uh, what do Frank and I do?

#35
Well, you guys just hang back, do your thing.

#36
Don't eat reptiles and just hang out.

#37
- What? - What, you're going with Dee over us?

#38
- Right. - Yeah.

#39
Is this 'cause you guys have been living at her place ever since your fire?

#40
You know what I mean? I feel like you burn your place down,

#41
you move into Dee's, and now you're, like, getting all buddy-buddy...

#42
Yeah, chummy-chummy.

#43
Yeah, I guess so. You know, if you need.

#44
That's crazy! Dee over us?

#45
You can't count on her.

#46
You're completely unreliable, Dee, really.

#47
You're, like, all gangly and uncoordinated.

#48
And she's constantly gonna back-sass you.

#49
- Oh, she'll argue with everything you say. - You know, it's bullshit.

#50
No, you know what's bullshit?

#51
Me getting boxed out all the time.

#52
And these guys have finally realized, by living with me,

#53
that old Dee is pretty cool after all, and pretty funny, too.

#54
So maybe I shouldn't be the butt of everybody's jokes anymore.

#55
Let's... Let's not get crazy, Dee.

#56
Yeah, you're always gonna be the butt of our jokes.

#57
Whatever, let's roll. That's okay, let's go.

#58
- All right. - Yeah, uh, just hang.

#59
- Uh, we're good. - Huh?

#60
- What the hell was that? - Something stinks here, Charlie,

#61
and it ain't just the fish.

#62
Dude, the other day, I was trying to get in the back office...

#63
- Yeah? - Dennis had the door locked.

#64
Mac locked the door, too!

#65
- What is that? - Who locks the office door?

#66
I feel like they're always sneaking around now,

#67
and they're nervous.

#68
Something big is definitely going down.

#69
I got a plan. How about you and I spy on that Chinese factory?

#70
I trust the Chinese as far as I could throw their factory.

#71
- Mmm-hmm. - But the real threat isn't abroad,

#72
it's right here at home.

#73
We got to spy on Mac and Dennis.

#74
- Oh, God, that smell! - Phew!

#75
The air quality in here is terrible!

#76
How do these people survive in this?

#77
Oof. Well, you know the Chinese.

#78
It's like, business first,

#79
breathing second, goddamn it!

#80
At least we know that it's a real fish factory,

#81
not some sort of a front for something.

#82
- Well... - Dee, we don't know that for sure, okay?

#83
And that's why you got to get a job here.

#84
I got to get a job here? What am I looking for?

#85
Shady practices, you know?

#86
Sketchy dealings. Schematics.

#87
Human rights violations, anything, Dee.

#88
Just, you know, gather intel.

#89
Okay. What are you guys gonna do?

#90
Dee, you're on a need-to-know basis here, okay?

#91
There's a chain of command.

#92
- You're at the very bottom. - You're way down.

#93
Well, at least tell me what the whole plan is.

#94
Dee, the one time we bring you in on a thing instead of Charlie

#95
and all we get is back-sass and questions?

#96
Do you want to be on the team or not?

#97
Yeah, I want to be part of the team.

#98
Yes, sorry.

#99
So how do I gather the intel?

#100
Oh, Jesus Chri... Talk to people.

#101
I don't know, flirt with the manager.

#102
He'll love how "pretty" and "blonde" you are.

#103
Don't do that. I'm blonde.

#104
Look, my mind goes to that office up there, you know?

#105
What kind of shady shit's going on in there?

#106
And now I'm doing your job for you.

#107
You know what, let's just go get Charlie,

#108
'cause I don't want to hold her hand through it.

#109
No, no, no. No Charlie. No Charlie, okay?

#110
I got this, you guys, I got this.

#111
Don't worry about me, I got this.

#112
Okay, we need you, Dee.

#113
- Go. Go. - Go.

#114
It sucks not having our own apartment.

#115
We got to get back in there, dude.

#116
I know. I hate Dee. Dennis, I hate her.

#117
I know, but at least we got her out of our hair for a bit.

#118
- We can finally do our plan. - Yes, okay.

#119
Oh, goddamn it.

#120
- What is that? - Goddamn it!

#121
Let's just deal with it and get back to business.

#122
Yeah, okay. All right.

#123
Coming!

#124
I'm coming, Jesus Christ... Oh.

#125
- Hey, guys. - What do you want, Charlie? We're busy.

#126
I wanted to apologize about, um, snapping earlier today

#127
with words at you guys, and then I came here to make an apology...

#128
Apology words.

#129
- What's he talking about? - I don't know.

#130
- I don't remember. Okay, thank you. - Well, hang on!

#131
Hang on a second.

#132
I got you guys a flower arrangement for you.

#133
Great. Thanks.

#134
You can't just have it. There's a plan.

#135
I have to come in and give it to you. And put it down.

#136
All right, fine. Come in, put them down and then go.

#137
- Okay, and I'm in. - He's in.

#138
Okay. Uh...

#139
Put the vase close to them, so we can see them.

#140
Right. Okay... And good.

#141
And where are you guys spending most of your time?

#142
It's a small apartment. We're all over the place.

#143
- Put them anywhere. - I'll put them down right here, then.

#144
No. No good, move them.

#145
Can't put them here, though.

#146
Where can I put them?

#147
Put them in the trash, for all we care.

#148
- I don't... - Putting them a little further back.

#149
- Yeah, that's good. - And right about here.

#150
Uh, great, we don't care. It's fine.

#151
No, to the left.

#152
- To the left, you say? - Didn't say that.

#153
Don't talk out loud to me.

#154
- Roger that. - Who's Roger?

#155
Who's Roger? Just...

#156
Thinking about legally changing my name to Roger.

#157
What's wrong with your ear, dude?

#158
Spider crawled up in my ear. It was living there.

#159
Right.

#160
Sends it's thoughts to me.

#161
Is it telling you to leave?

#162
Spider, can I leave?

#163
To the left.

#164
Right there, that's good. Now get out of there.

#165
Okay.

#166
Oh, Jesus Chr...

#167
Let's get back to business, please.

#168
Yeah, come on.

#169
I was doing a little research earlier, and I stumbled upon something huge.

#170
Hey, man. Can you hear and see everything?

#171
- They're talking about research. - Research, huh?

#172
It is everything that we've been looking for.

#173
Dude, it's gonna save us so much time. It is a game-changer.

#174
Check this out.

#175
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

#176
There's so much potential here!

#177
- What is it? - This is great!

#178
- I can't see. - Yeah, shit.

#179
So, listen, do me a favor. Give me a little bit of time with this.

#180
Let me dig in to this a little bit, see what the potential really is.

#181
Yeah, I'll give you some space. Okay.

#182
- Oh, oh, wait, Mac. - Yeah?

#183
- One more thing. - Mmm-hmm.

#184
Throw those goddamn flowers in the trash.

#185
Yeah. Right.

#186
Pieces of shit.

#187
- Goddamn it! - Son of a bitch.

#188
We got to get our hands on that laptop!

#189
Right.

#190
Name's Dee. I'm new around here.

#191
So, what's the deal with these masks, huh?

#192
Are they gonna protect you from the fish or protect the fish from you, am I right?

#193
No. I didn't get that.

#194
You chop fish, pull gut!

#195
"Pull gut." Totally, yeah.

#196
Listen, I'm gonna pop this off 'cause it's not protecting me

#197
from the smell, so I'm not really sure what the point is.

#198
Hey.

#199
Give me the skinny.

#200
Are you guys up to anything non-fish related around here or...

#201
Seriously? All right, goddamn it.

#202
You are of no use to me.

#203
Oh, here we go.

#204
Uh, excuse me. Hello.

#205
Hi. Um...

#206
Uh, my name's Dee and I'm new around here,

#207
and I just would love to chat with you sometime

#208
in private, you know? Maybe up in your secret private office up there?

#209
I need you to chop fish and pull the gut.

#210
Yeah. No, I get it.

#211
I get that you're a chop fish, pull gut factory.

#212
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't go anywhere. Hi.

#213
Um, uh, how about this, huh?

#214
Uh-oh. What do you see, huh?

#215
American girl, blue eyes, blonde hair...

#216
It got me! It got me good!

#217
Aw! It got in my mouth!

#218
It's getting in...

#219
Hi. Hey, guys.

#220
What are you doing, dude? You texted us 911.

#221
- What's the emergency? - Yeah.

#222
Oh, yeah, uh, well, our friendship's in danger, so...

#223
I stole Frank's credit card. You guys want to have lunch?

#224
- You got Frank's card? - I got the card.

#225
I'm annoyed, but I could eat.

#226
- All right, let's go. - Yeah, to be honest with you,

#227
my taste for fish is returning.

#228
Yeah, I've been thinking about it all day.

#229
My taste for fish is slowly returning, too. Yeah.

#230
And Guigino's does have the best fish. Very well!

#231
You know, maybe, uh... Maybe just order a couple apps though.

#232
I think Frank would prefer that. You know, that's...

#233
Who cares what Frank prefers?

#234
We're buying this food with his stolen credit card.

#235
And I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

#236
Uh, welcome back, gentlemen.

#237
I'm sorry. Do I know you, pal?

#238
I've never seen this man before in my life.

#239
I waited on you before.

#240
You tied my shoelaces together. I fell down.

#241
I'm getting nothing. I'm drawing a blank on this guy.

#242
Yeah, yeah, that means nothing to me. What are you saying?

#243
A scalding hot plate of spaghetti fell into my face?

#244
I'm to remember every man I've seen fall into a plate of spaghetti?

#245
Never mind. Uh, can I get your order?

#246
- Get me the snapper, bozo. - Snapper fish for the man.

#247
Actually, our fish supplier had an incident at their facility,

#248
so we are limited on fish.

#249
Market price is quite high today.

#250
Do you have the snapper or not?

#251
Yeah, uh, we do. But it's $44.

#252
Ooh. Oh, my God. All right.

#253
Well, then, let's do some cheaper chicken or, uh...

#254
Well, no. I'm in a fish mood now. Fish has been established.

#255
It was established, wasn't it?

#256
Yeah, it was. So three snappers.

#257
Yeah, why are we talking about it so much? Get the goddamn snappers!

#258
- Okay... Oh... - Get the snapper!

#259
- Jesus Christ. - Who is that guy?

#260
- Guigino's is slipping. - It is, they are slipping.

#261
They do have great fish, though.

#262
- So, what's going on with our friendship? - Yeah.

#263
Okay.

#264
Ha! Charlie, I'm in.

#265
How you doing? You having lunch? Keeping them busy?

#266
Uh, yeah, but slight hitch, though.

#267
- The snapper is, uh, $44. - What?

#268
No, no, no, no $44!

#269
Get them appetizers.

#270
I know, but they want fish and I kind of want fish, too, and the waiter

#271
said it's the market price, so...

#272
All right. Wait, I got the laptop.

#273
Let me go to the search history.

#274
Holy shit!

#275
Damn it! Sweeping up fish guts with a broom!

#276
Got to be some kind of workers' rights violation.

#277
What are you... Ahhh! You idiot!

#278
What are you picking it up with your hands?

#279
Uh, hell no, lady, no.

#280
I realize this might all be moon talk to you,

#281
but I'm not touching fish guts with my hands, okay?

#282
You know what we could do? Yeah, let's just disperse it.

#283
You know what I mean? Just send it all over the place!

#284
Nobody will know. Just kind of...

#285
Oh... Yeah, it's so crazy.

#286
I saw that.

#287
Hey, Frank. Sweet hat and jacket.

#288
- Don't... Charlie, don't sit there. - Huh?

#289
Sit back there. We got to be smart about this.

#290
All right. Why didn't we just meet

#291
back at the apartment then? That would've been better.

#292
Because you got me thinking about fish.

#293
Oh, right, nice. Yeah. Get the snapper. It's delicious.

#294
- Mmm. - Hi. How can I help you?

#295
Oh, perfect. You're here now, too.

#296
You're talking to me like you know me. Have we ever met?

#297
Let's just move past this part. What can I get you?

#298
I'm gonna have the snapper.

#299
And I'm gonna buy one for the strange man behind me who I've never met.

#300
Gentlemen, I hate to inform you two strangers here that we are out of snapper.

#301
We had some issues with our local supplier,

#302
so we are completely out of fish today.

#303
How do you not have fish?

#304
It says "Fresh fish daily" on the menu.

#305
Well, I just explained it. I went step by step.

#306
But how come you don't have it? It's on the menu!

#307
- For the reasons I said. - You have no snapper?

#308
There's a sequence of events...

#309
It says right here snapper...

#310
Do you have fish or do you not have fish?

#311
Can I get you a non-fish entree?

#312
- You can get lost. - With pleasure.

#313
All right, so... What did you find out?

#314
- I think I know what those guys are up to. - Can I just sit over there?

#315
'Cause I feel like the cover's blown now,

#316
- and now I have to go like... - All right, sit over here.

#317
I think I know what they're up to.

#318
- Okay, what? - I think Mac and Dennis

#319
are going into business with the Chinese guys across the street.

#320
- What? - They're gonna open up

#321
some kind of pastry factory!

#322
What? What makes you think that?

#323
I saw it on their search history.

#324
Only two words came up.

#325
"Asians..."

#326
And "cream pies."

#327
Oh, shit.

#328
They're gonna turn Paddy's into some kind of Asian cream pie factory!

#329
- Those bastards! - Yeah!

#330
- Oh, my God! - Sons of bitches!

#331
- So, what are we gonna do? - We got to beat them at their own game.

#332
Okay, the Chinese want cream pies, they'll get cream pies.

#333
But only, they're not gonna get them from those bozos.

#334
They're gonna be getting their cream pies from us.

#335
Can I go now?

#336
Because I feel like you had a really long session last time.

#337
I did, yeah, I went on for a long, long time,

#338
but that's how much it takes, all right?

#339
I'm trying to build up to something, to a major finish, you know?

#340
And I didn't get to because Charlie interrupted us

#341
with his goddamn emergency lunch. What are you doing?

#342
I don't want to stumble across whatever it is that you're stumbling across.

#343
- Let me finish. - Wait, no, this... We got a problem here.

#344
- What? - The Internet's not working.

#345
What?

#346
No...

#347
No!

#348
Come on!

#349
Oh, son of a bitch.

#350
What is it, Charlie? We're in the middle of a crisis.

#351
Trouble getting online?

#352
Yeah, how did you know that?

#353
We need to talk.

#354
Hi, how can I help... Oh, you're back.

#355
Why do you look familiar to me?

#356
I'm the waiter you didn't tip earlier.

#357
Yeah, well, you're not getting a tip with that attitude.

#358
We'll take the snapper. Uh, this guy, too. He's with us.

#359
As I told this gentleman only moments ago, we are out of fish today.

#360
We came to Guigino's for the fish.

#361
- It says "Fresh fish daily." - Uh, you know what, Dennis?

#362
I'll have a plate of piping hot spaghetti instead. Extra sauce.

#363
All right. You know what? That sounds good.

#364
I'll take spaghetti, too. Nice and sloppy.

#365
So you do remember me.

#366
- We're busy! Okay? - He wants spaghetti.

#367
- I want spaghetti, too, please. - He's gonna get spaghetti.

#368
- Just get us the spaghetti. - And some snapper fish, if you have it.

#369
Thank you, thank you...

#370
- What's that guy's attitude? - I don't know what that guy's deal is.

#371
Hey, you know what we should do? We should tie his shoelaces together.

#372
Classic!

#373
When he falls, it'll spill all over.

#374
The spaghetti will get on him!

#375
I've always wanted to see that.

#376
Hey, can I come sit with you guys?

#377
'Cause I feel my cover's blown, here.

#378
You don't have a goddamn cover, you're, uh, dressed like it's Halloween.

#379
All right, I'm coming over. All right.

#380
- Now, what's going on, man? - What's going on?

#381
Listen, Frank's onto you.

#382
That's why I had Dee's Internet shut down. He knows what you're doing.

#383
- Oh, come on. - Frank knows what we're doing?

#384
Yes!

#385
Honestly, guys, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

#386
- What? I'm not ashamed. - I'm a little bit ashamed,

#387
but I think that's natural.

#388
Well, look, here's the thing. Now Frank wants to start doing it, too.

#389
- So what? - So what? Let him do it.

#390
He wants me to do it with him.

#391
- I assumed you two did that already. - Me, too.

#392
No! And now he wants us to do it with the Chinese guy across the street,

#393
so I knew you wouldn't be into that.

#394
No, I'm not into that. That's bizarre.

#395
Exactly. I feel like I should be doing it with you guys.

#396
- Ah... - Come on, man.

#397
This is getting weird and messy.

#398
- I don't want to get you involved. - Come on, guys.

#399
There's too many people. Just go do it with Frank.

#400
Is Dee in on it?

#401
- Ew! God, no! - Why would we... Ugh.

#402
That's why she's at the factory, to distract her.

#403
Come on, guys. It should be you and me, okay?

#404
I like cream pies as much as the next guy.

#405
Oh, shh... Don't, don't say it out loud.

#406
Well, okay, okay, okay. Let me make a cream pie for you, okay?

#407
Then you can try it. See what you think.

#408
I do not want to taste your cream pie.

#409
They taste great, I can guarantee it.

#410
You've tasted yours?

#411
Of course. Haven't you?

#412
- No! - I've tasted mine. I didn't like it.

#413
- I've tasted mine, yeah. - I liked mine.

#414
Whatever, dude. If you don't care about the taste, fine, all right?

#415
But they're not just gonna be for us anyway.

#416
It's not... What?

#417
We're gonna sell them to everyone in Philly.

#418
Who the hell's gonna want to buy them?

#419
Everyone's gonna buy them, especially kids.

#420
- Ew, dude! - Little kids?

#421
I'd love watching a kid do it.

#422
Dude, you are gonna get in a lot of trouble.

#423
Hell, no, dude. I won't do it without the parents' permission,

#424
- I'll do everything... - No parent is gonna let you...

#425
The parents are gonna watch. They're gonna be so psyched...

#426
They're not gonna want to watch!

#427
- What are you talking about? - You gotta go overseas.

#428
- That's just... - No.

#429
No, you don't. That's as American as it gets.

#430
Guys, you gotta think about this as a business venture, right?

#431
The three of us combine our ingredients, making, like,

#432
one gigantic, delicious cream pie,

#433
some kid sucking it down and paying us for the pleasure.

#434
Hang on a second.

#435
What kind of cream pie are you talking about?

#436
What kind of cream pie are you talking about?

#437
Cream pies. Everyone loves them.

#438
Comedians, baseball players, even protestors.

#439
Cream pies are a rich American tradition and also delicious.

#440
Mmm, my mouth's getting wet just watching her eat that cream pie.

#441
Asians know electronics. And fish.

#442
But Americans know cream pies, except for them.

#443
God bless cream pies, and God bless America.

#444
And China, too.

#445
Look, I'm an experienced businessman

#446
with a long history in Asian countries.

#447
Imagine my cream pie taste and know-how

#448
combined with your underpaid labor force.

#449
We could corner the cream pie market!

#450
Wait, wait just a second.

#451
It's, uh... It's my business partner.

#452
Hello? I'm in the middle of the meeting now.

#453
The video killed.

#454
What do you mean, it's not the same kind of cream pie?

#455
Oh, wait, I'll look.

#456
Holy shit!

#457
Holy shit...

#458
Well, it looks like relying on old Dee really paid off

#459
for you guys after all, huh?

#460
What are you talking about?

#461
My series of accidents shut the whole factory down for, like, a couple days.

#462
Dee, we never asked you to shut down the factory.

#463
Yeah, that's what's been driving up the price of fish.

#464
Yeah, snapper's way up. Snapper's through the roof.

#465
You can't even get snapper! We're out of snapper, Dee!

#466
Look, you see, I told you you can't count on her.

#467
By the way, we stole our Wi-Fi from that place, too. Did you know that?

#468
Oh, so now we got no Wi-Fi because of you.

#469
Actually, we're pretty dependent on that Chinese factory.

#470
We need the Chinese, Dee, we need the...

#471
For the cream, for the cr...

#472
Don't... All right, guys, you know what?

#473
She seems fine and I'm not worried about her.

#474
Let's go discuss our research a bit further, yeah?

#475
Ooh, for what? For one of our next schemes?

#476
Yeah. Yeah. For the next scheme, Dee. Uh, we'll be in touch.

#477
Oh. You guys could just do that here, you...

#478
Wait, I can call for more chairs!

#479
Listen, guys, uh, first of all, I'm gonna suggest that

#480
we reset our browser each time we do a research session.

#481
- That's a good idea. For privacy. - Right.

#482
Yeah, and, you know, we're spying on ourselves.

#483
That doesn't really gather any useful information.

#484
- No, it's just all porn. - Right.

#485
We should keep spying on the Chinese, though.

#486
Actually, when I was over there,

#487
I looked at their search history, it's all porn, too.

#488
- Is it? - Ah, we're all doing it.

#489
What you're gonna find

#490
when you're spying on the general population is

#491
everyone is just, uh...

#492
Masturbating constantly.

#493
I know I am.

#494
And yet you've never heard of a cream pie.

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