Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E06 — The Gang Misses the Boat

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 6 — The Gang Misses the Boat

#1
Turn this up. This is my jam right here.

#2
Yeah. Shit! Did I just miss the turn?

#3
Oh, yeah, dude. I think it was back there.

#4
What? Come on man, you better hurry up.

#5
- We're gonna miss that boat! - Well, don't blame me.

#6
It took Dee a goddamn hour to get dressed like a man.

#7
Nah. Captain Barnacle.

#8
It's a great new character I'm working on. Argh!

#9
Give me another worm, Charlie.

#10
All right, coming up. You want rum or julep?

#11
- That's a rum one... - I'll take the rum one.

#12
You guys brought worms in here?

#13
Well, we kind of soaked them in alcohol and you suck the alcohol off of them.

#14
- Ah! - I ate mine.

#15
You're gonna ruin this!

#16
How often do boat parties come around and with hot, mainline women?

#17
This is a classy event.

#18
It took me hours to get us invited to this.

#19
Oh, oh! There's the boat.

#20
God damn it! We missed it. Aw! This is great!

#21
This is exactly what I was worried about! Great, guys. Way to go.

#22
You know what? Screw it. I'm going in.

#23
- What? - What, what are you talking talking about?

#24
- We're going in. - Not in the water?

#25
Yes, we're going in the wa...

#26
Look, guys, this car was built for this, okay?

#27
It's got air intake valves.

#28
This is precision British land-to-sea craftsmanship at work.

#29
We're going in.

#30
We're not missing that boat.

#31
What have we become?

#32
I mean, we have literally and figuratively missed the boat.

#33
I, I used to be a cool guy, right?

#34
With a cool car hanging out all the time.

#35
And now I'm a... What am I?

#36
I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots!

#37
You? What about me?

#38
I used to be a party boy who banged chicks all the time.

#39
You guys remember?

#40
But no one was ever good enough for you, dude.

#41
So I got self-conscious and I stopped because of you,

#42
I changed who I am at my core!

#43
Mac, Mac, that is not what happened, okay? You are completely delusional.

#44
I mean... And by the way, all of us have become so goddamn weird.

#45
I think we're just hitting our stride.

#46
Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank, really?

#47
Yeah!

#48
'Cause Dee's in a goddamn costume every other day.

#49
As a matter of fact, we all are.

#50
I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs.

#51
I mean, what... What if I said

#52
I wanted to become a man-cheetah right now,

#53
- what would you do? - I'd go get the spots.

#54
He's got spots!

#55
Why do you have spots? You shouldn't have spots.

#56
That's absurd, man.

#57
That's absurd. You know what? I actually, I blame you for most of this.

#58
- Me? - Yeah, because you came in here

#59
with your endless goddamn supply of money and financed all this bizarre behavior!

#60
You were plenty weird before me.

#61
What about the underage drinking scheme?

#62
I wasn't even here for that.

#63
But that made sense, Frank. It worked.

#64
You know what? I got to get away from you people.

#65
That's what it is.

#66
I fly off the handle every five seconds now.

#67
You know what?

#68
I got to get away from you people, you're all insane.

#69
- I'm storming out! - What? Don't copy me!

#70
I'm the one who's angry. God damn it!

#71
You don't storm out on me. I storm out on you.

#72
I'm the one who storms out! I'm the one who... Oh, oh, oh!

#73
Yeah, no, no. Okay. You know what?

#74
Yeah. That's fine. Storm out. Get angry.

#75
You guys be that guy 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore.

#76
I'm not gonna get angry and shit. I'm gonna cool off.

#77
I'm gonna go back to being what I was before.

#78
A cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car.

#79
So I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave.

#80
I'm gonna... leave casually.

#81
You want to get lunch?

#82
- Sure. - Yeah?

#83
When was the last time, like, just you and me went out to eat?

#84
- It's been a while, right? - By ourselves?

#85
- Yeah. - I don't even know.

#86
It's nice to go to a diner, too, you know?

#87
- Like, I like diners. - Yes.

#88
- I appreciate a menu with pictures. - It makes it easier.

#89
It's like sometimes those guys make me do things

#90
- that aren't really me, you know? - Yeah.

#91
Like, okay, like, I kind of feel compelled to call you a bird right now,

#92
and throw my glass of water in your face.

#93
- Right. - But, uh, you know,

#94
I'm realizing that I only do that stuff

#95
'cause I don't want the guys to do it to me first,

#96
- you know what I mean? - Of course I do.

#97
You know what I was about to do?

#98
Pretend that I had to go to the bathroom and then I was gonna sneak out the window

#99
and just get out of here 'cause I was afraid

#100
you were gonna do that to me first.

#101
- Oh, right, right, right. - Isn't that weird?

#102
- I was, though. - Oh.

#103
Yeah, yeah. But again, I think it was...

#104
'Cause, like, that's what the guys would've done and...

#105
It's the peer pressure thing from those guys.

#106
Right. Okay. Well, forget the guys today, right?

#107
- They're not here. So, um... - Yeah.

#108
- Like, what do you want to do? - Uh, let's see.

#109
I'd like to order my food in a German accent.

#110
- Right, right. Okay, cool. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

#111
- Why? - I guess that's just...

#112
I put all these expectations on myself to be funny all the time.

#113
You know? Because that's what people have come to expect from me.

#114
But that's not fair. It's too much pressure for me.

#115
Yeah, right. No, I don't think anyone expects that at all.

#116
Wait, what about you? What do you want to do?

#117
Okay, uh, well, I would like to get a chicken sandwich,

#118
but, uh... But I think I want to get the beak on the side?

#119
- Mmm. - Frank's always making me eat it first

#120
and frankly I'd rather eat it last if I'm gonna have to eat it at all...

#121
Oh, I can help you here.

#122
Instead of eating it last,

#123
- you don't have to eat beak at all. - Oh!

#124
- Ready to order? - Ooh!

#125
- Yeah. - Ja, vell,

#126
uh, I vould like ze...

#127
I'm sorry. I would like a chicken sandwich, please.

#128
Okay. And you?

#129
- Beak! - No!

#130
- No! - No.

#131
Regular chicken sandwich.

#132
- That's it? - That's it for him.

#133
Okay.

#134
You did it! You did it.

#135
God, I really wanted to say it!

#136
- I saw that you wanted to say it badly. - Yeah, yeah.

#137
All right, well, this is good.

#138
This is great. This...

#139
- I'm very proud of you. - This is very good. All right.

#140
Look at us! Cheers!

#141
Yeah. No beak.

#142
Bob, I want to thank you for answering my ad so quickly.

#143
Well, I really needed a car and I always wanted a Range Rover.

#144
- Yeah, well... - Yeah.

#145
Hey, I got to tell you, though. This is not just a car.

#146
This is a lifestyle. This is an Eddie Bauer edition.

#147
Tortoise-shell interior, super-charged twin cam,

#148
European luxury sports utility vehicle, my friend.

#149
- Wow! - Yeah! It's a classic, okay?

#150
The only reason I'm giving her up is 'cause I'm ready to turn a page.

#151
- Yeah. - I'm thinking about getting an Alfa Romeo,

#152
what do you think? Two seats, me and a babe.

#153
- You like babes, Bob? - Oh, yeah, sure!

#154
Yeah! Who doesn't like babes?

#155
Yeah, yeah. It's a wonderful machine.

#156
I used it to traverse the plains of the Serengeti of my life.

#157
Now I want that for you, Bob.

#158
There she is.

#159
I'm sorry. Are you talking about the car in the river?

#160
Yeah. Well, it's an amphibious exploring vehicle, so...

#161
You, you think you can pull it out of the river?

#162
No, no! What fun would that be, right?

#163
That's not my job. That's your job.

#164
I don't want to take that from you. You're gonna love it.

#165
Yeah, right, but I just...

#166
I didn't bring a change of clothes or anything.

#167
That's not really my fault, is it?

#168
Yeah, I got to say, uh, your line of questioning's starting to...

#169
It's starting to annoy me.

#170
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just, you know, I thought I was gonna see a car on land.

#171
- You being cute right now? - No.

#172
- Is that what's happening? - I'm not being cute.

#173
And no sale! How about that?

#174
'Cause you don't deserve the car.

#175
The car has spoken, I have spoken.

#176
You obviously don't get what's happening here.

#177
So, be gone with you!

#178
All right.

#179
There's that anger coming up again.

#180
I'm getting weird and arch.

#181
But that's the gang's fault. That, that's not me.

#182
I'm fine, see? I'm...

#183
I'm calm, man. I'm cool as a cucumber.

#184
It's all good. It's all good.

#185
Talking to myself, but that's just 'cause I, you know,

#186
I've got shit to say, you know?

#187
♪ Uh-huh, this my shit

#188
♪ All the girls stomp your feet like this... ♪

#189
Oh, hey! Hey, I'm Mac, former party boy.

#190
Looking to get back into the party-boy scene.

#191
You want me to milk your adrenal gland? You'll go berserk.

#192
Heh? No?

#193
That's all right. Ugly anyway.

#194
You're gonna find that ass to crush.

#195
♪ Oh, Mac.

#196
♪ I still got the moves... ♪

#197
Forget it, Frank. You're acting like it's 2006.

#198
Hey, listen, the hell with Dennis.

#199
Don't let him screw up a good thing that we got.

#200
Come on, we'll start our own crew.

#201
Beat it, jabroni.

#202
- Hey, look at that. - Mmm?

#203
What? Oh, that?

#204
Is that what you want? I can get you all that if you want.

#205
Maybe I've been thinking about this all wrong.

#206
You know, man?

#207
Maybe I've been lying to myself all these years.

#208
Maybe that's what I need.

#209
Well, we've always known that.

#210
Party boy coming your way.

#211
- Guys, we did it. - We did it.

#212
Opened a bar.

#213
Hey, gang.

#214
Frank.

#215
Oh, hello.

#216
I just parted ways with my old crew, and I'm looking for a new one.

#217
I'm a financier of fun things like schemes and pranks and such.

#218
You got anything? You interested?

#219
- What? - Uh, what are you celebrating?

#220
Uh, we, we just bought a bar together.

#221
You just bought a bar?

#222
That is fantastic!

#223
That's perfect. Next round's on me.

#224
- Uh, thank you. - Awesome.

#225
Cheers!

#226
You know, Mac and Dennis aren't here, they're not gonna ridicule us,

#227
we get to just pick whatever we want to do.

#228
Well, you know, I like making music.

#229
Yeah, and I like listening to it,

#230
but it hasn't really ever gotten us anywhere in the past,

#231
so, well, what about poetry?

#232
I like poetry, but only if it's def.

#233
- Def poetry. - Yeah, like, def poetry slams.

#234
- Those are awesome. - Yeah.

#235
- I love that. What happened to that? - I don't know.

#236
Did people just stop thinking they were cool?

#237
That's crazy. Black people don't do stuff

#238
- that's not cool. - Yeah, so...

#239
He doesn't deserve the car, and that's the plain and simple of it.

#240
- Are you crying? - No, I wasn't...

#241
It's humid outside, all right? That, that's why they're moist...

#242
I don't have to explain myself to a worm-sucking idiot!

#243
Dee, where's the computer?

#244
I thought you were gonna try and control your rage.

#245
This is irritation, okay? There's a difference.

#246
And why are you irritated?

#247
I'm irritated because I'm having trouble

#248
finding a proper buyer for the Range Rover.

#249
I need to create a new ad to attract an appropriate buyer, all right?

#250
Not some asshole who's got a problem with the car being in a river.

#251
It's awesome that the car is in a river.

#252
I need someone who can see that.

#253
Arrogance, vanity, all over.

#254
He's underwater, like a Range Rover.

#255
I'm sorry, what is this? What are you doing?

#256
Def poetry.

#257
Don't do that.

#258
Makeup, smearin'. No power steerin'.

#259
He be talkin', but we don't be hearin'.

#260
I command you to stop.

#261
- Speaks like Zeus. - Smells like poops.

#262
Rage all over from his head down to his shoes.

#263
Zeus, poops and shoes?

#264
Guys, you suck at def poetry. You know what?

#265
Announcement! I have an announcement to make, all right?

#266
Thank you for gathering for me.

#267
I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet.

#268
You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right?

#269
Now, I like this choice.

#270
I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right?

#271
But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years.

#272
And I'm done lying, okay?

#273
And I found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.

#274
- Oh, good, all right, yeah. - Great. Finally. Yes.

#275
That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.

#276
- We're ready. - Let's talk about this.

#277
- Yeah. - Yes!

#278
Guys, I'd like you to meet the love of my life, Dusty.

#279
Come on in, Dusty.

#280
Why did I have to wait in the hall?

#281
Oh, I was doing a thing for my friends.

#282
No, no, no. Dusty's a man. Where is Dusty?

#283
No, Dusty is a woman. Why would you think...

#284
Oh, because of the name.

#285
No, no, she's called Dusty because she's really into angel dust.

#286
I am super into angel dust.

#287
- Does she have a dick? - Why would you think she has a dick?

#288
Come on, what... What was that whole speech about, then?

#289
Oh, well, the last few years, I've been settling for fives,

#290
you know, and I've been giving you the tens, okay?

#291
But then I realized, you know what? I can be a ten guy, too.

#292
I saw a ten, I went after a ten and I got a ten.

#293
Let's go, Dusty. We don't need these turkeys.

#294
I'm gonna go slam ass.

#295
I'm gonna go bang this chick.

#296
What the hell is this?

#297
Anger bubbling like a pot.

#298
- Gettin' hot. - Gonna explode like a bomb in a toad.

#299
You mark my words.

#300
If you decide to get into def poetry, you are going to fail and bomb

#301
and gag and fail and bomb.

#302
It's... That's just... You know, but I don't care, man. That's cool.

#303
Do whatever you want, man. I'm a cool guy now, so,

#304
I'm gonna grab this laptop,

#305
I'm gonna go make a new ad for my awesome Range Rover,

#306
which I'm gonna sell,

#307
and then I'm gonna get myself an Alfa Romeo.

#308
You know? Just me and a babe.

#309
Just me and a babe. So, you guys do whatever you want.

#310
Do you like it?

#311
- Why would you say that? - I'm just kidding.

#312
Guys, guys, guys! I got news.

#313
I got terrible news.

#314
Wait, dude, do I... Oh, oh, yeah.

#315
Hey, you're the... You're that guy from the other night.

#316
I didn't... I didn't recognize you without the hairpiece.

#317
This is awful.

#318
There's a Jew trying to buy us out of everything.

#319
You want to get him back?

#320
What are you... What are you talking about?

#321
I don't know. Well, I'm not usually the idea man,

#322
I'm the money man.

#323
Okay, don't worry about it. What we'll do is we'll have a beer,

#324
and then we'll come up with something.

#325
Okay. You know, we really appreciated the drinks the other night,

#326
but we, we've got to get to work.

#327
You got to get a ferret down in the basement,

#328
because Charlie says ferrets scare the shit out of rats.

#329
What are you talking about?

#330
What is... What is... Who... Who is Charlie?

#331
You're Charlie. No, you're too tall.

#332
By any chance, do you have homosexual tendencies?

#333
Then you... You could be Dee, but you're smaller.

#334
You got a better body, I think.

#335
You, I don't know... I don't know who the hell you are,

#336
'cause we didn't have a black.

#337
- Sir, you got to get out of here. - Yeah.

#338
Oh. Oh, I get it. I get it. I got to prove myself, right?

#339
Okay, I get it.

#340
I'm gonna get to work, and I'll make it really happen.

#341
And this is so exciting.

#342
You guys, this is gonna be great!

#343
Our thinking, clear. Our rhymes, no fear.

#344
Our words, our passion that flows like beer.

#345
- Misery! - Chains.

#346
- Thunder. - Rain.

#347
We're chasing the dragon.

#348
We're chasing our pain.

#349
Now, stop, breathe.

#350
Unbroken.

#351
You're free.

#352
Shit, that's def. That's super def...

#353
- Oh, shit, that was the deffest. - ...right there.

#354
- Hey, here's a crazy idea. - Hmm?

#355
Why don't we run out,

#356
go to an open-mic night, like, right now?

#357
- Right now? - Yeah, Dee.

#358
I'm scared.

#359
No, I know, but look, without Mac and Dennis,

#360
like, constantly coming down on us, you're not gonna bomb.

#361
You're gonna do great.

#362
You know, I just feel like I'm feeling something.

#363
I'm totally feeling it.

#364
- Something, like, crazy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#365
I guess we make a really good,

#366
- make a really good team. - We do make a really good team.

#367
- You're calming me down. - Yeah.

#368
- And we're good at this together. - Cool.

#369
- Cool, all right. - Yeah, yeah.

#370
- Let's do it. That's great. - Let's go to it.

#371
- Oh, shit. - Whoops!

#372
- Just kidding. - Oh, yeah.

#373
Great crowd, huh?

#374
Yeah, big night!

#375
Hey-o! Beer me.

#376
What a crowd, huh?

#377
Oh. Hi. Uh, yeah.

#378
It's good. It's busy.

#379
You're welcome.

#380
Wait, you brought all these people here?

#381
I bought them all fake ID's.

#382
- Huh? - Yeah.

#383
These are all underage kids, tweens and such.

#384
I never got to do that scheme.

#385
Why? Why, why would you do this?

#386
I don't know why they did it.

#387
They must've had a good reason.

#388
Oh, also, I let a ferret loose in here and called the health inspector.

#389
- What? Why? - What?

#390
So you could do the thing, you know, snap to.

#391
You better do it quick, too.

#392
That kid looks sick as hell.

#393
Excuse me.

#394
Hi.

#395
You the guy selling the car?

#396
Uh, yeah.

#397
Yes. (CLEARS THROAT) Hi.

#398
Hi. Yeah, I, uh, might like to buy it. What do you want for it?

#399
Well, I was thinking somewhere in the ballpark

#400
of the original price, but, uh... ...considering the circumstances,

#401
I'm open to a reasonable discussion.

#402
All right. I mean, it is an amphibious exploring vehicle,

#403
- so it should be fine, right? - Yes.

#404
Yes, absolutely.

#405
It's nice to talk to a reasonable man.

#406
Now, are you a sportsman? Because you look very fit.

#407
Oh, I ski.

#408
- You ski? Oh, excellent. - Yeah.

#409
Love skiing.

#410
Yeah. Do you travel a lot?

#411
For work, yeah.

#412
Europe? Eastern Europe?

#413
Ah, all over, really.

#414
And I assume you'll be taking the car with you on these trips?

#415
Me? Oh, no. No, no, no.

#416
I'm, I'm looking for something for my daughter.

#417
Your daughter?

#418
Yeah. You know, safe, slow vehicle.

#419
Good starter car.

#420
- Starter car. - That's right.

#421
Mmm.

#422
I have contained my rage for as long as possible,

#423
but I shall unleash my fury upon you

#424
like the crossing of a thousand waves!

#425
Begone, vile man! Begone from me!

#426
A starter car! This car is a finisher car!

#427
A transporter of gods!

#428
The golden god!

#429
I am untethered and my rage knows no bounds!

#430
- I know. - We're gonna, we're gonna...

#431
Hey! What's up, bitches?

#432
I'm a man-cheetah.

#433
You want to do something with this?

#434
We lost it.

#435
- We lost our bar. - Huh?

#436
Yeah. The health inspector called the police, man.

#437
The control board pulled our liquor license.

#438
And we got a $75,000 fine for serving minors.

#439
Well, uh, the other crew always had something up their sleeve.

#440
I got an idea.

#441
We don't want to hear your ideas.

#442
This is all your fault.

#443
No, wait, Kelly.

#444
Maybe he can help us.

#445
It sounds like he's used to this kind of thing.

#446
- Really? - Yeah, that's true.

#447
He got us into this mess. Maybe he can get us out of it.

#448
Okay, old man.

#449
What's your plan?

#450
What?

#451
- Can I, um... - What?

#452
No.

#453
- There's a beer I want to... - Oh.

#454
- So, you know, just... - Yeah...

#455
- All right? - Sorry.

#456
- Okay. Do you want one, or... - No, I...

#457
- All right. - I don't.

#458
- Good. - Yeah.

#459
Is it cold in here?

#460
- I'm not a thermostat, so... - Okay. I'm sorry.

#461
Hey. Okay, all right, listen,

#462
I want things to go back to normal, okay? I don't like the way things have become,

#463
and I want them to go back to the way they were.

#464
Listen up. I want things to go back to normal.

#465
I don't like the way things are going.

#466
I want 'em to go back to normal.

#467
What the hell are you doing, man?

#468
- I'm storming in. - I was storming in...

#469
- What, are you a man-cheetah? - Yeah.

#470
- Cool. - You like it?

#471
- Yes. - All right. Good.

#472
- All right, come on, let's... - I can't do this anymore.

#473
That last crew sucked on ice.

#474
Okay, look, I like the man-cheetah thing.

#475
I want to go back to doing shit like this.

#476
Are you guys on board?

#477
I want to go back to the way things were.

#478
- Oh, yeah. We definitely... - Definitely want things

#479
to be normal again.

#480
- We should go back in time. - Like, way back in time?

#481
Can we go back a lot?

#482
Okay, did you bomb and fail and bomb, just like knew you would?

#483
- He did. He did. - Oh, yes, yeah, that's all that happened,

#484
and nothing else happened other than that.

#485
There was a poetry thing. It was bad.

#486
It was really bad poetry, and... Shut up, bird!

#487
You shut up! You can't read!

#488
Okay, this is good, all right. Yeah, yeah.

#489
Okay, this is good, this is good.

#490
So we're all in agreement? Frank, pay to get my car...

#491
- ...out of the river. - Yes. Done.

#492
All right.

#493
Aah, shit, that's starting again.

#494
Right, yeah, you know what?

#495
Mac's not gonna want to go back to normal.

#496
He's been banging that hot chick in the back office all day.

#497
No, I don't like this, okay?

#498
It's unnatural, and I won't have it.

#499
- I'm putting an end to this right now. - Let's go.

#500
We're going back to normal, yeah?

#501
- Yeah? - Yeah, you like it?

#502
What the hell's going on in here?

#503
What is this?

#504
Oh, we totally just banged or whatever.

#505
You're fully clothed, Mac.

#506
Have you been pretending to bang this chick the entire time?

#507
No.

#508
He can't even get it up with me.

#509
Well, that's because she's not even that hot.

#510
- Like... - She's very hot.

#511
- What? - Huh? She's beautiful.

#512
I don't know. I'm, like, not even feeling that, you know?

#513
Can I get my angel dust now?

#514
Oh.

#515
- Hmm. - Yeah.

#516
Oh.

#517
Okay.

#518
Jesus Christ, dude.

#519
Come on, buddy. You don't have to...

#520
- No. - Wow. All right, you know, what, guys?

#521
Listen, it's fine, it's all good, Mac, okay?

#522
Look. Do you want to go back to the way things were?

#523
Where we don't ask questions, you just go about your business?

#524
- Yeah. - Done.

#525
- Ah. - Ah!

#526
- Yeah - I was hoping this day would come.

#527
I saved a special surprise for us.

#528
- Oh. Is he a man-cheetah? - Yeah.

#529
Awesome. It's really cool.

#530
Who wants rum ham?

#531
Ohhh!

#532
Rum ham! Rum ham!

#533
♪ A few times I've been around that track

#534
♪ So it's not just gonna happen like that

#535
♪ 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl

#536
♪ I ain't no hollaback girl

#537
♪ A few times I've been around that track

#538
♪ So it's not just gonna happen like that

#539
♪ 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl

#540
♪ I ain't no hollaback girl

#541
♪ Ooh, ooh

#542
♪ This my shit, this my shit

#543
♪ Ooh, ooh

#544
♪ This my shit, this my shit

#545
♪ Ooh, ooh

#546
♪ This my shit, this my shit

#547
♪ Ooh, ooh

#548
♪ This my shit, this my shit ♪

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