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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S10E06 — The Gang Misses the Boat
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Season 10, Episode 6 — The Gang Misses the Boat
#1
Turn this up. This is my jam right here.
#2
Yeah. Shit! Did I just miss the turn?
#3
Oh, yeah, dude. I think it was back there.
#4
What? Come on man, you better hurry up.
#5
- We're gonna miss that boat! - Well, don't blame me.
#6
It took Dee a goddamn hour to get dressed like a man.
#7
Nah. Captain Barnacle.
#8
It's a great new character I'm working on. Argh!
#9
Give me another worm, Charlie.
#10
All right, coming up. You want rum or julep?
#11
- That's a rum one... - I'll take the rum one.
#12
You guys brought worms in here?
#13
Well, we kind of soaked them in alcohol and you suck the alcohol off of them.
#14
- Ah! - I ate mine.
#15
You're gonna ruin this!
#16
How often do boat parties come around and with hot, mainline women?
#17
This is a classy event.
#18
It took me hours to get us invited to this.
#19
Oh, oh! There's the boat.
#20
God damn it! We missed it. Aw! This is great!
#21
This is exactly what I was worried about! Great, guys. Way to go.
#22
You know what? Screw it. I'm going in.
#23
- What? - What, what are you talking talking about?
#24
- We're going in. - Not in the water?
#25
Yes, we're going in the wa...
#26
Look, guys, this car was built for this, okay?
#27
It's got air intake valves.
#28
This is precision British land-to-sea craftsmanship at work.
#29
We're going in.
#30
We're not missing that boat.
#31
What have we become?
#32
I mean, we have literally and figuratively missed the boat.
#33
I, I used to be a cool guy, right?
#34
With a cool car hanging out all the time.
#35
And now I'm a... What am I?
#36
I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots!
#37
You? What about me?
#38
I used to be a party boy who banged chicks all the time.
#39
You guys remember?
#40
But no one was ever good enough for you, dude.
#41
So I got self-conscious and I stopped because of you,
#42
I changed who I am at my core!
#43
Mac, Mac, that is not what happened, okay? You are completely delusional.
#44
I mean... And by the way, all of us have become so goddamn weird.
#45
I think we're just hitting our stride.
#46
Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank, really?
#47
Yeah!
#48
'Cause Dee's in a goddamn costume every other day.
#49
As a matter of fact, we all are.
#50
I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs.
#51
I mean, what... What if I said
#52
I wanted to become a man-cheetah right now,
#53
- what would you do? - I'd go get the spots.
#54
He's got spots!
#55
Why do you have spots? You shouldn't have spots.
#56
That's absurd, man.
#57
That's absurd. You know what? I actually, I blame you for most of this.
#58
- Me? - Yeah, because you came in here
#59
with your endless goddamn supply of money and financed all this bizarre behavior!
#60
You were plenty weird before me.
#61
What about the underage drinking scheme?
#62
I wasn't even here for that.
#63
But that made sense, Frank. It worked.
#64
You know what? I got to get away from you people.
#65
That's what it is.
#66
I fly off the handle every five seconds now.
#67
You know what?
#68
I got to get away from you people, you're all insane.
#69
- I'm storming out! - What? Don't copy me!
#70
I'm the one who's angry. God damn it!
#71
You don't storm out on me. I storm out on you.
#72
I'm the one who storms out! I'm the one who... Oh, oh, oh!
#73
Yeah, no, no. Okay. You know what?
#74
Yeah. That's fine. Storm out. Get angry.
#75
You guys be that guy 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore.
#76
I'm not gonna get angry and shit. I'm gonna cool off.
#77
I'm gonna go back to being what I was before.
#78
A cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car.
#79
So I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave.
#80
I'm gonna... leave casually.
#81
You want to get lunch?
#82
- Sure. - Yeah?
#83
When was the last time, like, just you and me went out to eat?
#84
- It's been a while, right? - By ourselves?
#85
- Yeah. - I don't even know.
#86
It's nice to go to a diner, too, you know?
#87
- Like, I like diners. - Yes.
#88
- I appreciate a menu with pictures. - It makes it easier.
#89
It's like sometimes those guys make me do things
#90
- that aren't really me, you know? - Yeah.
#91
Like, okay, like, I kind of feel compelled to call you a bird right now,
#92
and throw my glass of water in your face.
#93
- Right. - But, uh, you know,
#94
I'm realizing that I only do that stuff
#95
'cause I don't want the guys to do it to me first,
#96
- you know what I mean? - Of course I do.
#97
You know what I was about to do?
#98
Pretend that I had to go to the bathroom and then I was gonna sneak out the window
#99
and just get out of here 'cause I was afraid
#100
you were gonna do that to me first.
#101
- Oh, right, right, right. - Isn't that weird?
#102
- I was, though. - Oh.
#103
Yeah, yeah. But again, I think it was...
#104
'Cause, like, that's what the guys would've done and...
#105
It's the peer pressure thing from those guys.
#106
Right. Okay. Well, forget the guys today, right?
#107
- They're not here. So, um... - Yeah.
#108
- Like, what do you want to do? - Uh, let's see.
#109
I'd like to order my food in a German accent.
#110
- Right, right. Okay, cool. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
#111
- Why? - I guess that's just...
#112
I put all these expectations on myself to be funny all the time.
#113
You know? Because that's what people have come to expect from me.
#114
But that's not fair. It's too much pressure for me.
#115
Yeah, right. No, I don't think anyone expects that at all.
#116
Wait, what about you? What do you want to do?
#117
Okay, uh, well, I would like to get a chicken sandwich,
#118
but, uh... But I think I want to get the beak on the side?
#119
- Mmm. - Frank's always making me eat it first
#120
and frankly I'd rather eat it last if I'm gonna have to eat it at all...
#121
Oh, I can help you here.
#122
Instead of eating it last,
#123
- you don't have to eat beak at all. - Oh!
#124
- Ready to order? - Ooh!
#125
- Yeah. - Ja, vell,
#126
uh, I vould like ze...
#127
I'm sorry. I would like a chicken sandwich, please.
#128
Okay. And you?
#129
- Beak! - No!
#130
- No! - No.
#131
Regular chicken sandwich.
#132
- That's it? - That's it for him.
#133
Okay.
#134
You did it! You did it.
#135
God, I really wanted to say it!
#136
- I saw that you wanted to say it badly. - Yeah, yeah.
#137
All right, well, this is good.
#138
This is great. This...
#139
- I'm very proud of you. - This is very good. All right.
#140
Look at us! Cheers!
#141
Yeah. No beak.
#142
Bob, I want to thank you for answering my ad so quickly.
#143
Well, I really needed a car and I always wanted a Range Rover.
#144
- Yeah, well... - Yeah.
#145
Hey, I got to tell you, though. This is not just a car.
#146
This is a lifestyle. This is an Eddie Bauer edition.
#147
Tortoise-shell interior, super-charged twin cam,
#148
European luxury sports utility vehicle, my friend.
#149
- Wow! - Yeah! It's a classic, okay?
#150
The only reason I'm giving her up is 'cause I'm ready to turn a page.
#151
- Yeah. - I'm thinking about getting an Alfa Romeo,
#152
what do you think? Two seats, me and a babe.
#153
- You like babes, Bob? - Oh, yeah, sure!
#154
Yeah! Who doesn't like babes?
#155
Yeah, yeah. It's a wonderful machine.
#156
I used it to traverse the plains of the Serengeti of my life.
#157
Now I want that for you, Bob.
#158
There she is.
#159
I'm sorry. Are you talking about the car in the river?
#160
Yeah. Well, it's an amphibious exploring vehicle, so...
#161
You, you think you can pull it out of the river?
#162
No, no! What fun would that be, right?
#163
That's not my job. That's your job.
#164
I don't want to take that from you. You're gonna love it.
#165
Yeah, right, but I just...
#166
I didn't bring a change of clothes or anything.
#167
That's not really my fault, is it?
#168
Yeah, I got to say, uh, your line of questioning's starting to...
#169
It's starting to annoy me.
#170
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just, you know, I thought I was gonna see a car on land.
#171
- You being cute right now? - No.
#172
- Is that what's happening? - I'm not being cute.
#173
And no sale! How about that?
#174
'Cause you don't deserve the car.
#175
The car has spoken, I have spoken.
#176
You obviously don't get what's happening here.
#177
So, be gone with you!
#178
All right.
#179
There's that anger coming up again.
#180
I'm getting weird and arch.
#181
But that's the gang's fault. That, that's not me.
#182
I'm fine, see? I'm...
#183
I'm calm, man. I'm cool as a cucumber.
#184
It's all good. It's all good.
#185
Talking to myself, but that's just 'cause I, you know,
#186
I've got shit to say, you know?
#187
♪ Uh-huh, this my shit
#188
♪ All the girls stomp your feet like this... ♪
#189
Oh, hey! Hey, I'm Mac, former party boy.
#190
Looking to get back into the party-boy scene.
#191
You want me to milk your adrenal gland? You'll go berserk.
#192
Heh? No?
#193
That's all right. Ugly anyway.
#194
You're gonna find that ass to crush.
#195
♪ Oh, Mac.
#196
♪ I still got the moves... ♪
#197
Forget it, Frank. You're acting like it's 2006.
#198
Hey, listen, the hell with Dennis.
#199
Don't let him screw up a good thing that we got.
#200
Come on, we'll start our own crew.
#201
Beat it, jabroni.
#202
- Hey, look at that. - Mmm?
#203
What? Oh, that?
#204
Is that what you want? I can get you all that if you want.
#205
Maybe I've been thinking about this all wrong.
#206
You know, man?
#207
Maybe I've been lying to myself all these years.
#208
Maybe that's what I need.
#209
Well, we've always known that.
#210
Party boy coming your way.
#211
- Guys, we did it. - We did it.
#212
Opened a bar.
#213
Hey, gang.
#214
Frank.
#215
Oh, hello.
#216
I just parted ways with my old crew, and I'm looking for a new one.
#217
I'm a financier of fun things like schemes and pranks and such.
#218
You got anything? You interested?
#219
- What? - Uh, what are you celebrating?
#220
Uh, we, we just bought a bar together.
#221
You just bought a bar?
#222
That is fantastic!
#223
That's perfect. Next round's on me.
#224
- Uh, thank you. - Awesome.
#225
Cheers!
#226
You know, Mac and Dennis aren't here, they're not gonna ridicule us,
#227
we get to just pick whatever we want to do.
#228
Well, you know, I like making music.
#229
Yeah, and I like listening to it,
#230
but it hasn't really ever gotten us anywhere in the past,
#231
so, well, what about poetry?
#232
I like poetry, but only if it's def.
#233
- Def poetry. - Yeah, like, def poetry slams.
#234
- Those are awesome. - Yeah.
#235
- I love that. What happened to that? - I don't know.
#236
Did people just stop thinking they were cool?
#237
That's crazy. Black people don't do stuff
#238
- that's not cool. - Yeah, so...
#239
He doesn't deserve the car, and that's the plain and simple of it.
#240
- Are you crying? - No, I wasn't...
#241
It's humid outside, all right? That, that's why they're moist...
#242
I don't have to explain myself to a worm-sucking idiot!
#243
Dee, where's the computer?
#244
I thought you were gonna try and control your rage.
#245
This is irritation, okay? There's a difference.
#246
And why are you irritated?
#247
I'm irritated because I'm having trouble
#248
finding a proper buyer for the Range Rover.
#249
I need to create a new ad to attract an appropriate buyer, all right?
#250
Not some asshole who's got a problem with the car being in a river.
#251
It's awesome that the car is in a river.
#252
I need someone who can see that.
#253
Arrogance, vanity, all over.
#254
He's underwater, like a Range Rover.
#255
I'm sorry, what is this? What are you doing?
#256
Def poetry.
#257
Don't do that.
#258
Makeup, smearin'. No power steerin'.
#259
He be talkin', but we don't be hearin'.
#260
I command you to stop.
#261
- Speaks like Zeus. - Smells like poops.
#262
Rage all over from his head down to his shoes.
#263
Zeus, poops and shoes?
#264
Guys, you suck at def poetry. You know what?
#265
Announcement! I have an announcement to make, all right?
#266
Thank you for gathering for me.
#267
I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet.
#268
You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right?
#269
Now, I like this choice.
#270
I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right?
#271
But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years.
#272
And I'm done lying, okay?
#273
And I found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.
#274
- Oh, good, all right, yeah. - Great. Finally. Yes.
#275
That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.
#276
- We're ready. - Let's talk about this.
#277
- Yeah. - Yes!
#278
Guys, I'd like you to meet the love of my life, Dusty.
#279
Come on in, Dusty.
#280
Why did I have to wait in the hall?
#281
Oh, I was doing a thing for my friends.
#282
No, no, no. Dusty's a man. Where is Dusty?
#283
No, Dusty is a woman. Why would you think...
#284
Oh, because of the name.
#285
No, no, she's called Dusty because she's really into angel dust.
#286
I am super into angel dust.
#287
- Does she have a dick? - Why would you think she has a dick?
#288
Come on, what... What was that whole speech about, then?
#289
Oh, well, the last few years, I've been settling for fives,
#290
you know, and I've been giving you the tens, okay?
#291
But then I realized, you know what? I can be a ten guy, too.
#292
I saw a ten, I went after a ten and I got a ten.
#293
Let's go, Dusty. We don't need these turkeys.
#294
I'm gonna go slam ass.
#295
I'm gonna go bang this chick.
#296
What the hell is this?
#297
Anger bubbling like a pot.
#298
- Gettin' hot. - Gonna explode like a bomb in a toad.
#299
You mark my words.
#300
If you decide to get into def poetry, you are going to fail and bomb
#301
and gag and fail and bomb.
#302
It's... That's just... You know, but I don't care, man. That's cool.
#303
Do whatever you want, man. I'm a cool guy now, so,
#304
I'm gonna grab this laptop,
#305
I'm gonna go make a new ad for my awesome Range Rover,
#306
which I'm gonna sell,
#307
and then I'm gonna get myself an Alfa Romeo.
#308
You know? Just me and a babe.
#309
Just me and a babe. So, you guys do whatever you want.
#310
Do you like it?
#311
- Why would you say that? - I'm just kidding.
#312
Guys, guys, guys! I got news.
#313
I got terrible news.
#314
Wait, dude, do I... Oh, oh, yeah.
#315
Hey, you're the... You're that guy from the other night.
#316
I didn't... I didn't recognize you without the hairpiece.
#317
This is awful.
#318
There's a Jew trying to buy us out of everything.
#319
You want to get him back?
#320
What are you... What are you talking about?
#321
I don't know. Well, I'm not usually the idea man,
#322
I'm the money man.
#323
Okay, don't worry about it. What we'll do is we'll have a beer,
#324
and then we'll come up with something.
#325
Okay. You know, we really appreciated the drinks the other night,
#326
but we, we've got to get to work.
#327
You got to get a ferret down in the basement,
#328
because Charlie says ferrets scare the shit out of rats.
#329
What are you talking about?
#330
What is... What is... Who... Who is Charlie?
#331
You're Charlie. No, you're too tall.
#332
By any chance, do you have homosexual tendencies?
#333
Then you... You could be Dee, but you're smaller.
#334
You got a better body, I think.
#335
You, I don't know... I don't know who the hell you are,
#336
'cause we didn't have a black.
#337
- Sir, you got to get out of here. - Yeah.
#338
Oh. Oh, I get it. I get it. I got to prove myself, right?
#339
Okay, I get it.
#340
I'm gonna get to work, and I'll make it really happen.
#341
And this is so exciting.
#342
You guys, this is gonna be great!
#343
Our thinking, clear. Our rhymes, no fear.
#344
Our words, our passion that flows like beer.
#345
- Misery! - Chains.
#346
- Thunder. - Rain.
#347
We're chasing the dragon.
#348
We're chasing our pain.
#349
Now, stop, breathe.
#350
Unbroken.
#351
You're free.
#352
Shit, that's def. That's super def...
#353
- Oh, shit, that was the deffest. - ...right there.
#354
- Hey, here's a crazy idea. - Hmm?
#355
Why don't we run out,
#356
go to an open-mic night, like, right now?
#357
- Right now? - Yeah, Dee.
#358
I'm scared.
#359
No, I know, but look, without Mac and Dennis,
#360
like, constantly coming down on us, you're not gonna bomb.
#361
You're gonna do great.
#362
You know, I just feel like I'm feeling something.
#363
I'm totally feeling it.
#364
- Something, like, crazy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
#365
I guess we make a really good,
#366
- make a really good team. - We do make a really good team.
#367
- You're calming me down. - Yeah.
#368
- And we're good at this together. - Cool.
#369
- Cool, all right. - Yeah, yeah.
#370
- Let's do it. That's great. - Let's go to it.
#371
- Oh, shit. - Whoops!
#372
- Just kidding. - Oh, yeah.
#373
Great crowd, huh?
#374
Yeah, big night!
#375
Hey-o! Beer me.
#376
What a crowd, huh?
#377
Oh. Hi. Uh, yeah.
#378
It's good. It's busy.
#379
You're welcome.
#380
Wait, you brought all these people here?
#381
I bought them all fake ID's.
#382
- Huh? - Yeah.
#383
These are all underage kids, tweens and such.
#384
I never got to do that scheme.
#385
Why? Why, why would you do this?
#386
I don't know why they did it.
#387
They must've had a good reason.
#388
Oh, also, I let a ferret loose in here and called the health inspector.
#389
- What? Why? - What?
#390
So you could do the thing, you know, snap to.
#391
You better do it quick, too.
#392
That kid looks sick as hell.
#393
Excuse me.
#394
Hi.
#395
You the guy selling the car?
#396
Uh, yeah.
#397
Yes. (CLEARS THROAT) Hi.
#398
Hi. Yeah, I, uh, might like to buy it. What do you want for it?
#399
Well, I was thinking somewhere in the ballpark
#400
of the original price, but, uh... ...considering the circumstances,
#401
I'm open to a reasonable discussion.
#402
All right. I mean, it is an amphibious exploring vehicle,
#403
- so it should be fine, right? - Yes.
#404
Yes, absolutely.
#405
It's nice to talk to a reasonable man.
#406
Now, are you a sportsman? Because you look very fit.
#407
Oh, I ski.
#408
- You ski? Oh, excellent. - Yeah.
#409
Love skiing.
#410
Yeah. Do you travel a lot?
#411
For work, yeah.
#412
Europe? Eastern Europe?
#413
Ah, all over, really.
#414
And I assume you'll be taking the car with you on these trips?
#415
Me? Oh, no. No, no, no.
#416
I'm, I'm looking for something for my daughter.
#417
Your daughter?
#418
Yeah. You know, safe, slow vehicle.
#419
Good starter car.
#420
- Starter car. - That's right.
#421
Mmm.
#422
I have contained my rage for as long as possible,
#423
but I shall unleash my fury upon you
#424
like the crossing of a thousand waves!
#425
Begone, vile man! Begone from me!
#426
A starter car! This car is a finisher car!
#427
A transporter of gods!
#428
The golden god!
#429
I am untethered and my rage knows no bounds!
#430
- I know. - We're gonna, we're gonna...
#431
Hey! What's up, bitches?
#432
I'm a man-cheetah.
#433
You want to do something with this?
#434
We lost it.
#435
- We lost our bar. - Huh?
#436
Yeah. The health inspector called the police, man.
#437
The control board pulled our liquor license.
#438
And we got a $75,000 fine for serving minors.
#439
Well, uh, the other crew always had something up their sleeve.
#440
I got an idea.
#441
We don't want to hear your ideas.
#442
This is all your fault.
#443
No, wait, Kelly.
#444
Maybe he can help us.
#445
It sounds like he's used to this kind of thing.
#446
- Really? - Yeah, that's true.
#447
He got us into this mess. Maybe he can get us out of it.
#448
Okay, old man.
#449
What's your plan?
#450
What?
#451
- Can I, um... - What?
#452
No.
#453
- There's a beer I want to... - Oh.
#454
- So, you know, just... - Yeah...
#455
- All right? - Sorry.
#456
- Okay. Do you want one, or... - No, I...
#457
- All right. - I don't.
#458
- Good. - Yeah.
#459
Is it cold in here?
#460
- I'm not a thermostat, so... - Okay. I'm sorry.
#461
Hey. Okay, all right, listen,
#462
I want things to go back to normal, okay? I don't like the way things have become,
#463
and I want them to go back to the way they were.
#464
Listen up. I want things to go back to normal.
#465
I don't like the way things are going.
#466
I want 'em to go back to normal.
#467
What the hell are you doing, man?
#468
- I'm storming in. - I was storming in...
#469
- What, are you a man-cheetah? - Yeah.
#470
- Cool. - You like it?
#471
- Yes. - All right. Good.
#472
- All right, come on, let's... - I can't do this anymore.
#473
That last crew sucked on ice.
#474
Okay, look, I like the man-cheetah thing.
#475
I want to go back to doing shit like this.
#476
Are you guys on board?
#477
I want to go back to the way things were.
#478
- Oh, yeah. We definitely... - Definitely want things
#479
to be normal again.
#480
- We should go back in time. - Like, way back in time?
#481
Can we go back a lot?
#482
Okay, did you bomb and fail and bomb, just like knew you would?
#483
- He did. He did. - Oh, yes, yeah, that's all that happened,
#484
and nothing else happened other than that.
#485
There was a poetry thing. It was bad.
#486
It was really bad poetry, and... Shut up, bird!
#487
You shut up! You can't read!
#488
Okay, this is good, all right. Yeah, yeah.
#489
Okay, this is good, this is good.
#490
So we're all in agreement? Frank, pay to get my car...
#491
- ...out of the river. - Yes. Done.
#492
All right.
#493
Aah, shit, that's starting again.
#494
Right, yeah, you know what?
#495
Mac's not gonna want to go back to normal.
#496
He's been banging that hot chick in the back office all day.
#497
No, I don't like this, okay?
#498
It's unnatural, and I won't have it.
#499
- I'm putting an end to this right now. - Let's go.
#500
We're going back to normal, yeah?
#501
- Yeah? - Yeah, you like it?
#502
What the hell's going on in here?
#503
What is this?
#504
Oh, we totally just banged or whatever.
#505
You're fully clothed, Mac.
#506
Have you been pretending to bang this chick the entire time?
#507
No.
#508
He can't even get it up with me.
#509
Well, that's because she's not even that hot.
#510
- Like... - She's very hot.
#511
- What? - Huh? She's beautiful.
#512
I don't know. I'm, like, not even feeling that, you know?
#513
Can I get my angel dust now?
#514
Oh.
#515
- Hmm. - Yeah.
#516
Oh.
#517
Okay.
#518
Jesus Christ, dude.
#519
Come on, buddy. You don't have to...
#520
- No. - Wow. All right, you know, what, guys?
#521
Listen, it's fine, it's all good, Mac, okay?
#522
Look. Do you want to go back to the way things were?
#523
Where we don't ask questions, you just go about your business?
#524
- Yeah. - Done.
#525
- Ah. - Ah!
#526
- Yeah - I was hoping this day would come.
#527
I saved a special surprise for us.
#528
- Oh. Is he a man-cheetah? - Yeah.
#529
Awesome. It's really cool.
#530
Who wants rum ham?
#531
Ohhh!
#532
Rum ham! Rum ham!
#533
♪ A few times I've been around that track
#534
♪ So it's not just gonna happen like that
#535
♪ 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
#536
♪ I ain't no hollaback girl
#537
♪ A few times I've been around that track
#538
♪ So it's not just gonna happen like that
#539
♪ 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
#540
♪ I ain't no hollaback girl
#541
♪ Ooh, ooh
#542
♪ This my shit, this my shit
#543
♪ Ooh, ooh
#544
♪ This my shit, this my shit
#545
♪ Ooh, ooh
#546
♪ This my shit, this my shit
#547
♪ Ooh, ooh
#548
♪ This my shit, this my shit ♪
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