Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E07 — Mac Kills His Dad

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 7 — Mac Kills His Dad

#1
A tragic ferry accident today.

#2
Apparently, a ferry rammed into the shoreline at full speed

#3
near a local power plant there.

#4
There are multiple fatalities and injuries reported at this hour.

#5
That's really depressing. How do you lose control of a ferry? They're slow as shit.

#6
- Guy must've been drunk. - Yeah.

#7
Hey-yo! Check out my new threads. Picked them up at the airport.

#8
- What were you doing at the airport? - I don't know, just farting around.

#9
I found this shop full of this stuff.

#10
- Look at that! I got some for everybody. - Ooh!

#11
"Life is happy"? What the hell is that?

#12
Well, it's clothing that supports a positive message.

#13
I mean, you wear it and you celebrate that life is happy, baby.

#14
In other news, a man is in custody for murder of a state witness

#15
who was brutally beheaded by an assailant wielding a stop sign.

#16
A man seeking justice is beheaded by a maniac with a stop sign.

#17
You're right, Frank, life is happy.

#18
The suspect in custody is a 59-year-old repeat felon

#19
by the name of Luther McDonald.

#20
Holy shit, that's my dad!

#21
If convicted, McDonald could face the death penalty.

#22
Can you believe what they're saying about my dad having killed that guy?

#23
- Mmm... - Yeah.

#24
- Yeah, why... Why wouldn't I believe that? - No way. This has got to be bullshit.

#25
He's innocent, and I'm not gonna let the State kill him.

#26
I'm gonna save my dad's life.

#27
- Thanks for coming with me, man. - Well, you're forcing me to.

#28
- Yeah, well... Yeah. - So I'm here.

#29
Of course, of course.

#30
We got to show support for my dad, right?

#31
We got to let him know that we know he didn't do it.

#32
- I know, but I believe that he did, so... - Well, are you gonna be cool?

#33
I'll be cool. As long as he doesn't ask us to shove heroin up our ass again,

#34
- I'll be cool. - He might, and I might do it.

#35
You would enjoy it more than I would.

#36
- Here he comes. - Oh, here he comes.

#37
Oh, Dad! He looks great, huh?

#38
Dad! Hey! How are you?

#39
It's been so long! Look! I brought a picture of Mom here

#40
just to make you feel more at home.

#41
She looks good, right?

#42
And, uh, me... What about me? How do I look? Do I look cool?

#43
- Give it a rest. - Do I look cool?

#44
What do you want?

#45
Uh, we... We just wanted to come by and tell you that we believe

#46
that there is no way that you did this.

#47
You didn't do it, right, Dad?

#48
No.

#49
Right. I knew it! Another innocent man being railroaded by the system!

#50
Besides, there's no way that you could've done this.

#51
You have a bad shoulder. That's why you'd never have a catch with me, remember?

#52
- Right. - Yeah.

#53
Yeah, well, Charlie and I just want to let you know

#54
that we will not rest until you are proven innocent.

#55
Look, I got a lawyer appointed to me. It'll be fine.

#56
No, uh, sorry, uh, Mr. Mac, uh, you really don't want

#57
to put your life in the hands of a public defender.

#58
I mean, those guys are absolute clowns.

#59
I tell you what, I'd be interested to take a look at your case,

#60
you know, if you want a little outside help.

#61
I specialize in bird law mostly, but I know my way...

#62
Stay out of this! Both of you!

#63
I do not want you stirring things up!

#64
You hear me?

#65
Yeah, I, I hear you, Dad.

#66
Um, one last thing, though. I love you, and I...

#67
Oh, I love you! I love you, Dad!

#68
I love you! He can't hear me 'cause of this...

#69
- He definitely heard you. - And the glass is too thick.

#70
I think there's something... something wrong with that.

#71
- Yeah, sure. - Uh, all right.

#72
We're now being told the ferry captain was intentionally

#73
trying to steer the ferry into the nearby power plant.

#74
The captain has tested negative for alcohol and drugs.

#75
The guy wasn't even drunk!

#76
This was a sober man purposely steering a ship into a power plant.

#77
Oh, God, the world is a depressing place.

#78
You guys are depressing.

#79
I'm trying to enjoy my cone over here.

#80
Turn that crap off!

#81
Yeah, baby!

#82
There they are! The usual suspects!

#83
Pondy! Just the man I want to see! Now, this man loves life!

#84
I'd love to get into some shots. Line them up, Frankie. Line them up!

#85
Now we got some positive vibes in here.

#86
You are his AA sponsor, right?

#87
Never change, Dee. I love it! Come on! Do a shot with me.

#88
- Come on. Shot, shot! - Shot!

#89
I gotta say I feel like a shot might make me feel better.

#90
I think I need to do a shot at this point.

#91
- All right, to the brim. - Let's go, Frank. All right.

#92
You're looking pretty dapper there. You hittin' it hard, or what?

#93
- I'm celebrating today, baby. - Oh, yeah?

#94
- What's the special occasion? - Yeah.

#95
I'm gonna kill myself.

#96
What?

#97
Yeah, no, no, I'm gonna drink myself to death.

#98
Yeah, I botched it. Life, you know?

#99
Old B.P. had a good run, though, you know?

#100
It's like there's this tiny little soul man in my body driving me around.

#101
That little soul man's ready to power old Bill down

#102
and move on to the next party monster.

#103
Aw, come on, you guys own a bar, right?

#104
You watch people slowly kill themselves every day, am I right?

#105
Keep it open.

#106
Charlie, this is a huge waste of time.

#107
No, no, no, this is standard procedure.

#108
They do this on every crime show.

#109
You know, the murder police come down to the scene of the crime

#110
and they find some blue-collar guy, and they talk to him while he's working.

#111
Let's just talk to this guy over here. He could know something, right?

#112
- Why would he know anything? - He's moving crates from one place to...

#113
Will you just listen to me? All right?

#114
- Excuse me, sir, do you work here? - Yeah.

#115
Please, don't stop your work. They never do on TV.

#116
Go ahead and place that bag down.

#117
Now, are you familiar with the beheading that took place here last week?

#118
- Are you a cop? - No,

#119
but I do work on the behalf of the accused.

#120
I'm taking care of his interests and whatnot.

#121
This is his son, uh, Ronald.

#122
You're Luther's kid?

#123
Yeah. That's right, bozo. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes

#124
to make sure he doesn't get the death penalty.

#125
- Is that a threat? - Why don't you tell us what you saw.

#126
- I didn't see either of those guys, okay? - There was more than one guy?

#127
I said too much. I don't want any trouble, okay?

#128
Then stop giving us trouble, and tell us if there was another guy.

#129
My lips are sealed, guys.

#130
Then unseal them, or I'll unseal them for you!

#131
Hey, hey! What the hell are you doing? You can't threaten this guy.

#132
Threaten? I wasn't threatening him.

#133
How do you not know what a threat sounds like?

#134
- Oh, you mean the "lips" thing? - Yes, the "lips" thing.

#135
He's got words in his lips. I needed to get them out.

#136
I know the words are in his lips, I saw them in there.

#137
Just let me... You know, let me coax them out.

#138
Otherwise, you're gonna freak the guy out.

#139
Just let me handle it, okay? Sir, your lips are fine. I... Great.

#140
- That happens to us way too much. - Yeah.

#141
I mean, I don't really care that much about Bill,

#142
I just don't want him dying in the bar. We've had too many deaths there already.

#143
We should probably try not to have another one.

#144
- Let's cut it off. - We gotta show Pondy life is worth living.

#145
Right. I'm not real excited about Maureen being a part of this, but we'll do it.

#146
Ah.

#147
- What... - Hello, Dennis.

#148
Oh, God. Maureen, what's going on with your face? What have you done?

#149
I've had a few surgical procedures to enhance my natural beauty.

#150
You look like a cat.

#151
Yes, exactly. Cats are beautiful.

#152
- Where are your breasts? - Oh, they're in my face.

#153
Great. I don't really have time for this shit,

#154
so have you gathered Bill's family for us?

#155
Me-yes.

#156
You kids remember Uncle Dennis.

#157
He came to talk to us about something important. Go ahead, baby.

#158
- Yeah. Uh... - Are you two getting back together?

#159
- Oh, no. - I think so.

#160
- Oh, no. Never. - Uh, okay.

#161
Um, listen, you guys, your dad,

#162
he needs your help right now. He's in a pretty tough spot.

#163
I don't call him "Dad."

#164
I call him Mr. Cock Sucker, 'cause he sucks so many cocks.

#165
Weird. Uh, I'm not going to call him that, okay?

#166
- I'll refer to him as "Bill," I guess... - Yeah.

#167
Okay, so, listen, here's the thing.

#168
He is at our bar right now drinking himself to death.

#169
Oh, that's fantastic.

#170
What? No, that's not fantastic. The man's trying to kill himself.

#171
If he dies, we get money.

#172
When I get my money, I want to buy a new cell phone.

#173
I'm gonna buy a gun, because I'm the man of the house.

#174
Oh, shit, no. This kid should not have a...

#175
No, no. Please.

#176
We're trying to show Bill that life is worth living.

#177
- Your dad loves you. - No, he doesn't.

#178
- Oh. - Yeah.

#179
- Has he not said it? I'm telling you... - He does.

#180
No. He told me. He said, "I do not love you. You're a punk."

#181
He called me too fat to be a slut,

#182
and tried to serve me an omelet with cocaine in it.

#183
Listen, guys, this is about forgiving Bill, your dad, okay?

#184
- It's not about blaming him. - No.

#185
Oh, I blame you, too. You and the other hookers he slept with.

#186
Hold on a second. I'm not a hooker. I never have been.

#187
- You're a hooker. - You're a fat slut!

#188
Oh, oh. Oh, okay. Hey, hey, hey.

#189
And you, you ruined his sister with the divorce, and look at her face.

#190
- She looks like a cat. - Cats are magical.

#191
I kind of like... I mean, maybe you could get some fur.

#192
- Oh, I like that idea. - What are you talking... No!

#193
Do you think you could do a tail?

#194
- I don't see why I couldn't do a tail. - Don't, don't... No.

#195
You could go full cat and start wearing humans on your sweatshirt.

#196
No one is turning themselves into a goddamn cat with my money!

#197
Can we focus here?

#198
Let's get back to showing Bill that life is happy.

#199
Bill's a lying, cheating, drug-addict piece of garbage, and we all hope he dies.

#200
Yeah.

#201
Hey, Dad. Hey, um, so, I... I know you told us to stay out of it.

#202
But we found out that there was another guy.

#203
Also, we got a stop sign and recreated the murder,

#204
and there's no way that you could've swung that.

#205
Actually, I kind of jacked my shoulder up a bit, too.

#206
Do you realize what you've done?

#207
No. Yeah. I told him, Mr. Mac. I said, "Stealing a stop sign, that's a felony,"

#208
and as your counsel, I did advise against it.

#209
I'm talking about you going to the crime scene.

#210
Word's out my son is intimidating witnesses.

#211
Now, that makes me look like I'm guilty.

#212
- Oh. - Oh, yeah.

#213
- Your dad would be a good lawyer. - His idea.

#214
But, look, the point is, we found out that this other guy exists.

#215
All we need to do is get his name, and then I can rat on him.

#216
Do not be a rat!

#217
Stop trying to handle it,

#218
or I am going to have to handle you.

#219
Okay?

#220
Okay, Daddy.

#221
Oh.

#222
- I love you, Dad. - Oh, let it go. Let it go.

#223
- It's just I thought maybe... - Yeah.

#224
- It's not broken. - No. Yeah, it's working fine, isn't it?

#225
No, it works. He seemed a little upset.

#226
All right, plan B here.

#227
I got an idea. Why don't we check the guest record?

#228
Right? Because maybe that guy came to visit my dad.

#229
- Oh, the other guy signed in? - Yes.

#230
And, uh, that's a good point.

#231
Luther McDonald visited by Bonnie Kelly?

#232
- Holy shit! - Well, that's the same name as my mom.

#233
It is your mom.

#234
Nah. I'm sure there's plenty of Bonnie Kelly's.

#235
They probably all sign their name with those weird, squiggly lines...

#236
Cursive? Are you talking about cursive, dude?

#237
Uh... Cursing?

#238
Cursive. Everybody can under... Okay, look, doesn't matter.

#239
We have to figure out why she came to visit my dad.

#240
And why is she signing my mom's name?

#241
God damn it. God damn it.

#242
- Hey! - Bill, we want to talk to you.

#243
Hey, you guys see this?

#244
There was another ferry that ran into the power plant.

#245
Copycat crime.

#246
- Hilarious, right? - No!

#247
No. There are black and white areas in life, Bill, and that's a black area.

#248
Look, turn it off.

#249
We want to focus on the positive in life now, Pondy.

#250
Yeah, yeah, which is why we're all wearing

#251
- these ill-fitting T-shirts. - Yeah. Right.

#252
Okay, we want to show you some reasons why life is worth living.

#253
- Yeah. - And, Dennis, you're up.

#254
Okay, so I like a good mani-pedi.

#255
- Ah. - Yeah, I like a good, healthy nail.

#256
I love one. You know, you get your nail beds clean,

#257
- you get your cuticles pushed back, right? - Oh, yeah.

#258
- You get your hangnails all trimmed up... - That's great.

#259
...by one of those nice ladies over there.

#260
You know, a lot of those are sex workers.

#261
- Uh... - Yeah, the gals at the nail salon there,

#262
yeah, they're prostitutes.

#263
They're trafficked in, usually in shipping containers.

#264
I mean, they're, like, crammed in there, you know,

#265
like sardines, shipped with sardines sometimes.

#266
- Oh. - It's ugly, but the point is,

#267
those ladies doing your nails probably tugged a guy off right before you.

#268
- They ship 'em in in shipping containers? - Yeah.

#269
That's depressing as hell. Goddamn!

#270
- All right, Dee? You, you're up, yeah. - Me?

#271
Yeah. Hey, Bill, you know, for me, uh, really, it's just the simple things

#272
that I like in my life like a moonlight walk or a cozy, warm nap.

#273
Or a delicious, ripe piece of fruit,

#274
- you know? - Oh, there you go.

#275
- Oh. - Mmm.

#276
Sex workers use fruit during the act.

#277
- What? - Yeah. Yeah, well, the citrus

#278
masks the taste of a dirty penis.

#279
In fact, 95% of fruit has usually been in someone's orifice

#280
before it even reaches the market.

#281
Okay. Okay, I'm done.

#282
- He's ruined fruit for me, so I'm done. - You've made fruit depressing.

#283
All right, well, I got this.

#284
Okay, all right, what makes me happy... It's like, you know, at night,

#285
a ride around town in a limousine, partying, having a good time.

#286
When I'm on my way home, I'll pass a bum.

#287
I take a balloon with some champagne in it,

#288
lob it out and bean him.

#289
He only gets a bit in his mouth. He doesn't get the whole thing.

#290
- Right. - Not even a full sip of it.

#291
And you say, "Hey, how do you like a taste of the good life, you sack of shit?"

#292
- Hey, that's... - God, that is awful!

#293
That is a horrible thing to do to another human being!

#294
God damn you! Hey, get over here, Frank. Get over here.

#295
Okay, that's it. I'm done.

#296
All right? This is depressing as shit. I'm not doing this anymore.

#297
In fact, I'm starting to think that his family was right.

#298
You guys, what if we took out a life insurance policy on the guy?

#299
If he's gonna do it anyway, we might as well make money off of it.

#300
- That's dark. - Yeah, I know.

#301
But can you take a life insurance policy out on anybody? Does it work that way?

#302
Mm, it's a gray area, but I think I got a guy,

#303
I could twist his arm, we can get one.

#304
Okay, I say we embrace the gray area of life, okay?

#305
Because what we're doing is not working.

#306
What, the State can murder somebody without them even wanting to die,

#307
but a grown man can't kill himself if he wants to?

#308
- A man should be able to end his life... - He's a grown American man.

#309
- We're American. - To hell with him. We tried. I give up.

#310
- Great. Glad you're on our side. - Mm.

#311
- You're a terrible sponsor, by the way. - Yeah.

#312
Okay, so why were you visiting Luther, Mom?

#313
- I went to go... - She don't know nothin' about nothin'.

#314
All right, look, we know there was another guy in on this, all right?

#315
So, come on, anything you can give us.

#316
He was staying here for a few months.

#317
He was here for a few months? Mom, why wouldn't you tell me that?

#318
Okay, well, was he here on the night of the murder?

#319
Uh, no.

#320
- Mom, don't lie, okay? - Okay, yes.

#321
- Quiet, Bonnie. - No, no.

#322
Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.

#323
I can't lie to my Charlie.

#324
- Good! Tell me everything. - Okay. They were both here.

#325
They were both inside me.

#326
Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.

#327
Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?

#328
Damn it, Bonnie.

#329
- Eduardo who? - Sanchez.

#330
Holy shit! Tell us more.

#331
Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.

#332
Tell us less. Tell us less.

#333
Then they both "completed" on each other. I... I was left out of the finale.

#334
And then Eduardo went out and then he killed somebody,

#335
and then... Well, that's all I know.

#336
Jesus goddamn Christ, Mom. If you know that, just say that.

#337
Don't tell me the whole thing about banging every guy that comes in the house.

#338
If you know the part about the murder, just say the murder part!

#339
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, this is crazy.

#340
You guys know what this means?

#341
That my father was trying to establish dominance, and that's the only reason

#342
- he was in his butt or... - Why are you focused on that?

#343
- Well, it's about power. - We have our guy now.

#344
I feel like we should make that known,

#345
- that it's about power, okay? - Let's not make any of it known.

#346
- We got to go to the police. - Don't be a rat.

#347
All right, look, Mrs. Mac, we're not gonna rat, all right?

#348
We're gonna figure something else out. Good?

#349
Okay, you're off words again.

#350
Great. And, Mom, don't bang every guy that comes into the house.

#351
- How about that? - Okay, I won't, sweetie.

#352
Okay.

#353
It is my gift to you.

#354
This is great. Thank you.

#355
Guys, guys, guys, we've had a major break in my dad's case.

#356
What's Ponderosa doing here?

#357
Oh, he's gonna drink himself to death,

#358
so we took out a life insurance policy on him.

#359
Oh, cool, yeah. Pretty dark, though, right?

#360
- We've been over this. We justified this. - Don't worry about it. We're okay with it.

#361
Fair enough. Turns out that Mac's dad didn't kill the guy.

#362
No, there was another man in on this.

#363
Yeah, it's gonna look really bad if I rat on this man, Eduardo Sanchez,

#364
- so I can't say his name. - Uh...

#365
- You just did. You just ratted him out. - You said his name.

#366
By the way, another guy being there doesn't mean that your dad didn't do it.

#367
He might've done it with the other guy.

#368
Oh, no, my dad established dominance over this man.

#369
- All right, let's not... - Oh, what does that mean?

#370
- What's this? - There's some weird prison sex going on.

#371
He may or may not have been a power bottom.

#372
Bottom line is he talked his lover into doing the murder for him.

#373
Not his lover, his prison bitch.

#374
- Hey, what if I confess? Hmm? - What?

#375
Yeah, I could take my own life while saving your dad's. Everybody wins.

#376
Well, yeah, except everyone would think that you decapitated

#377
a man with a stop sign.

#378
Ooh, even better! Oh, that'll really embarrass the wife.

#379
Okay, I like where this is going, but I got to bring something up here.

#380
If you were to do that,

#381
- and I don't want to be crass or... - Oh.

#382
- But how would that affect the... - Yeah.

#383
- Oh, we still get the money. - Yeah?

#384
- I bought the most expensive policy. - Great.

#385
- Let's go confess, baby! - Yeah.

#386
I can't... I'm sorry. I just... I don't get how it's dominant

#387
if they finished on each other.

#388
- Yeah. - How is that dominant?

#389
It's dominant because he finished first.

#390
Then he allowed Eduardo to finish. That's why he's dominant.

#391
No, you're making that up. You don't know that.

#392
Oh, there's Bill. Here we go.

#393
Oh, hey.

#394
Well, I did it. I confessed.

#395
Why aren't you in handcuffs then?

#396
Weirdest thing, I'm sitting in the interrogation room,

#397
you know, sobering up a little bit, looking at myself

#398
in the two-way mirror and I kept reading this shirt.

#399
Yeah. Yeah, I started thinking, "You know what, life is happy."

#400
I want to live!

#401
Well, then what did you confess about?

#402
Eduardo Sanchez. That guy you were talking about?

#403
Turns out he's some big gang member that they've been after for years.

#404
Yeah, your dad's innocent.

#405
Holy shit, my dad's gonna get off.

#406
That means I'm a hero! I did it!

#407
Dad, Dad, we did it.

#408
- We did it. - Yeah, we did it!

#409
They're gonna nail this Eduardo Sanchez guy and you're gonna walk free.

#410
I saved you.

#411
- Saved me? - Yeah.

#412
You buried me.

#413
Now everyone in here thinks I'm a rat.

#414
They're gonna kill me in here. Because of you.

#415
I'm... I'm sorry. I still love you.

#416
I don't.

#417
He definitely heard you. You know, he can hear you.

#418
Yeah, he can. He didn't mean that, though. He's just upset.

« Prev Page 1 of 1 Next » Back to Search