Home » Scrubs » S01E10 — My Nickname

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 10 — My Nickname

#1
Hey, what are you doing?

#2
Reading a book about how to tell my roommate

#3
he drives me crazy, without hurting his feelings.

#4
I think sarcasm works better when it's shorter.

#5
- Fascinating. - Yeah, see there you go.

#6
So what're you doing?

#7
- You're annoying me. - I'm okay with it.

#8
J.D., I've had such a crappy morning in this hellhole

#9
I decided to come out here and eat my lunch.

#10
This spot feels secluded. I mean, it's so peaceful.

#11
I'm getting my spirit back.

#12
- It's just a bench. - Sit down, sweet thang.

#13
Sit down.

#14
[gulls cry]

#15
[waves lap soothingly]

#16
Nice. You know, I've already eaten, but I could...

#17
- Okay, what's it gonna take? - Your cupcake.

#18
This is how I get my spirit back.

#19
Mmm-mmm.

#20
I feel alive again.

#21
I feel alive again, alive again.

#22
I feel alive...

#24
- Morning. - How do you figure?

#25
- Doing a little drilling, huh? - Yeah.

#26
Look, I have an idea. Let's try and go the whole day

#27
without getting in each other's hair.

#28
Just give each other a break? What do you say?

#29
I'm gonna give you a nickname.

#30
That's... that's good. I already have a nickname. It's J.D.

#31
How about... Whinyface?

#32
Whinybritches?

#33
Whinysomething. I definitely like whiny.

#34
Whiny dancer.

#37
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#38
Oh, I can't believe I went out last night.

#39
I thought you said you were exhausted.

#40
I was. But I figured I owed it to the ladies.

#41
Do you ever stop giving?

#43
His O2-sat's dropping.

#44
I think he just needs respiratory treatment.

#48
Actually, Carla, I think because of the congestive heart failure,

#49
he just needs Lasix.

#50
The future of the relationship

#52
I'm so proud of you, Bambi.

#53
They grow up so fast.

#54
- Dr. Cox. - And there you are.

#55
Excuse me?

#56
I was just now wondering if there's anything

#57
that could push my headache into a full-blown migraine.

#58
And there you are.

#59
What's the story on the admit in 64?

#60
Oh, she's great. I really like her.

#61
Let's see if you can't focus on things

#62
I actually give a rat's ass about.

#63
- [mockingly mimics him] - What?

#64
She blacked out at work. An accelerated heartbeat.

#65
Interesting.

#66
I don't care if it wasn't good first-date conversation,

#67
Michael deserved to know what I think about circumcising babies.

#68
Over my dead body.

#69
What? Actually, no.

#70
No, it wasn't, which is surprising 'cause he's Jewish.

#71
I gave her two Valium.

#72
Okay, I'm e-mailing you as we're talking.

#73
How cool is that?

#74
So she's actually sedated as we speak?

#75
Okay, bye.

#76
Hey, Elliot. Okay, first impressions.

#77
- Did I scare Michael off? - No.

#78
Not if he enjoys a big fat cup of crazy.

#79
Ms. Tracy, we're all busy, so if we could get down to business...

#80
My God, I have the exact same e-maily-pagey thingy.

#81
- Oh, get out! - Oh, my God!

#82
My H sticks a little bit. Does yours?

#83
- It does, it does, it does. - That's so weird.

#84
Baby, it may just be a bench, but you know what?

#85
It's quiet. And I can chill.

#86
It's like my special place.

#87
You are so damn cute, I can't even stand it.

#88
Serious?

#89
I love it that my man's all deep and whatnot.

#90
- You know, I get deep. - I know.

#91
What's happening, Rerun?

#92
What up, Roge?

#93
How about some of this?

#94
Oh, come on, it wasn't even that good a show.

#95
- Take it back. - This second.

#96
Ooh, look at the time. Gotta go, it's lunchtime.

#97
See ya, baby!

#98
Are we still on for that Bresson exhibit?

#99
- Yes, we are. - Cool!

#100
Did somebody just ask out my girlfriend?

#101
Do you want to come?

#102
Black-and-white photography, very artsy-fartsy, no boobies.

#103
Hell, no.

#104
- Hello, sir. - Nice spot.

#105
Yes, sir. It is.

#106
I usually try to get out here for lunch every day at 12:30.

#107
- You don't say? - Yep.

#108
Every day, 12:30, for 23 years.

#109
Hey, from now on, your name is Scooter.

#110
- I don't get it. - Short for scooter pie.

#111
I hate scooter pies.

#112
Oh, now I see.

#113
You big jerk.

#114
Thanks again for the invite, Bambi.

#115
- I love photography. - Baby, photography's for studs.

#116
[she laughs]

#120
Maybe someone spent the morning

#122
Luckily, I was prepared.

#123
- Did you do your pre-rounds? - Yes.

#124
Discharge summaries?

#125
- Pharmacy renewals? - Yes.

#126
S.O.A.P. notes? Central line changes?

#127
Yes.

#128
Okay, Janet, but did you go ahead and fix your beeper

#129
so it doesn't play that annoying song every time you get paged?

#130
- Yes. - [pager beeps]

#131
- Crap. - [boxing bell]

#132
I - expect - you - to - act - like -

#133
a - professional - around - here!

#134
Is that all you got?

#135
- Good one. - Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

#136
Interesting tidbit.

#137
Back during the gold rush when a man staked a claim,

#138
if he came upon another man panning his spot,

#139
why, he could shoot that fella dead

#140
without even asking any questions.

#141
You don't say.

#142
Simpler times.

#143
Okay, what if you've had three great dates

#144
and he likes you so much

#145
he hasn't even tried to have sex with you yet?

#146
I could sabotage that relationship in two phone calls.

#147
- I could do it in one. - Sabotage that relationship.

#148
For starters, I would ask him why he finds me so repulsive.

#149
Then I would coerce him into having phone sex with me,

#150
after which I would ask him if he thinks we have a future,

#151
and then I'd probably just cry until he hung up on me.

#152
We are so alike.

#153
I know!

#154
"Oh, stop." "No, you stop."

#155
Oh, dear God.

#156
- Ms. Tracy, we'll go ahead... - Can you give me one sec?

#157
I'm on The Zone. I'm trying to arrange to have food delivered.

#158
Fatty had a party and nobody came.

#159
- Preaching to the choir. - [whistles]

#160
Okay, think of what little patience I have

#161
as, oh, I don't know, your virginity.

#162
You always thought it would be there until that night

#163
when you were feeling a little down about yourself,

#164
and your pal, Kevin, who just wanted to be friends,

#165
well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of

#166
About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes.

#167
And ba-dow! [laughs]

#168
It was gone forever.

#169
Just like my patience is now.

#170
So you do scary little speeches?

#171
How adorable!

#172
This is so much fun.

#173
Careful, Rapunzel.

#174
- Oh. - Fun time is officially over.

#175
You think you can just treat Bambi like that and walk away?

#176
Get him, girlfriend.

#177
What up, T-Dog?

#180
How you doing?

#181
Dude, that's totally how my car was rocking

#182
when I took this girl out last night.

#183
[squeaks]

#184
Am I right?

#185
Ah, he earned it.

#186
Pain.

#187
So Cox tore into you, huh?

#188
You know what really pisses me off?

#189
No one ever calls him on anything, you know?

#190
You want to kick and scream while teaching people here,

#191
that's fine, but if you ever yell at my friend again

#192
over nothing, then I will personally wipe

#193
that scary smile off your face,

#194
put it in my purse and keep it there until no one around here

#195
is any more scared of you than I am.

#196
It's not fair.

#197
Wait, why are you eating in here?

#198
T-man's afraid of Kelso.

#199
I'm not afraid of Kelso.

#200
I just felt like eating in here.

#201
Go outside and stand up for yourself.

#202
Hell, yeah.

#203
Dude, you know what else stands up for itself?

#204
You know, Todd, I'm not sure.

#205
But I'm gonna guess that it's your penis.

#206
It is.

#207
Oh, no.

#208
Everyone, we can all relax now.

#209
The planets have been realigned

#210
and order shall be returned to the people.

#211
- Hey, you. - Just give me two seconds.

#212
Gotta finish e-mailing Jill.

#213
I have, right here, your little friend's test results.

#214
Shall we have some fun and take a look?

#215
Hmm, interesting.

#216
EKG, negative. Tilt table, negative.

#218
Nothing, in fact, is wrong with her

#219
but exhaustion, brought on by...

#220
let it come... being her.

#221
- Yeah, but if you don't... - No, no, no. No, no, no.

#222
There's no time for "Yeah, buts."

#223
I want her punted out of here in the next five minutes

#224
or you will be responsible for covering every missed shift

#225
during this year's flu season.

#226
Now go, now go, now go.

#227
[whistles] Hey, you...

#228
For what it's worth, I don't care if your beeper plays

#230
as many times as you like.

#231
Actually, sir, it's "who, who."

#232
- Thank you. That's great. - Sure.

#233
And, Ginger, by the way,

#234
just a real smooth move running to your mommy.

#235
- Excuse me? - Yeah, your mommy cr-rushed me.

#236
She did. I'd like to issue a warning to everybody,

#237
and I'm dead serious.

#238
FYI: J.D.'s mommy has made it perfectly clear

#239
that she doesn't want her daughter picked on anymore.

#240
Nothing mean. She's a precious flower

#241
and we should all be super nice to her.

#242
[pager]

#243
I was paged.

#244
Hello?

#245
Anyone?

#246
Oh, hell, no!

#247
When I get out of here, we should totally hang.

#248
I'd love to. I should warn you, though,

#249
I work a ton and when I'm off, I stay at home to catch up

#250
on paperwork or read medical journals

#251
just to stay ahead of the curve.

#252
I'm a nerd.

#253
I wish I could stay home and read sometimes,

#254
but my job, it's like... you know?

#255
With married-by-the-millennium

#256
still hanging over my head, I go on like 1,000 blind dates.

#257
And then there's all my friends who always need something.

#258
There's me who never wants to let anyone down, you know, ever.

#259
With so many balls in the air,

#260
sometimes, it gets, it gets a little overwhelming.

#261
As soon as I leave, I know I'm going right back to that mess.

#262
Oh, my God, I'm practically crying.

#263
How pathetic is that?

#265
I came down to tell you that we're gonna keep you here

#266
for the weekend, just to get some rest.

#269
It's so on.

#272
Mommy.

#273
Mommy. Mommy.

#274
Mommy.

#275
Give me that, Bambi, that's not a toy.

#276
My name is not Bambi, okay?

#277
It's Dr. Dorian.

#278
I don't need to be looked after, okay?

#279
So, look, how about I'll be the doctor and you be the nurse.

#280
Yes, doctor.

#281
Good choice.

#282
I have... I have to go check on something.

#284
Carla, wait.

#285
What did you do?

#286
- What did you do? - What did you do?

#287
She called me Bambi in front of everyone.

#288
My name is not Bambi!

#289
It's Scooter!

#290
Oh!

#291
Short for scooter pie.

#292
Baby, J.D. is my best friend,

#293
but if you need me to kick his ass, I will kick his ass,

#294
'cause I care for you.

#295
And I'm willing to sleep with you.

#296
Hell, yeah.

#297
Sweetie, you know if I wanted his ass kicked I'd do it myself.

#298
[catty growl]

#299
Todd,

#300
if you ever make that horny-cat noise at me again,

#301
I will reach into your mouth and unscrew that seven-watt bulb

#302
that barely keeps your brain open for business.

#303
Damn.

#304
Dude, chick threats are hot.

#305
What did I tell you about annoying Carla?

#306
If she makes me choose between the two of you,

#307
you know how it's gonna end up.

#308
Yes, I do. And I thank you for that.

#309
♪ Alouette ♪

#310
Could you be cuter with the new hair color?

#311
Holy cow! Please, no.

#312
No.

#313
Good morning, sunshine.

#314
Could you possibly excuse me for just one second?

#315
Oh, dear God, you're still here.

#316
Who exactly is doing this to me?

#319
- Look, Carla... - It's okay. You overreacted.

#320
I should've realized you can stand up for yourself.

#321
Actually...

#322
I know you would take it back if you could. I do.

#323
We're okay, right?

#324
I think I've said all I can.

#325
I'll see you tonight for the exhibit.

#326
- Why'd you have me paged? - To ask you to forgive me.

#327
For what?

#328
Hello, sad clown.

#329
- Thanks for paging her. - How could you?

#330
He called me cutie and said my eyes were as blue as the ocean.

#331
I... I got confused.

#332
It probably would've worked on me too.

#333
You're damn right it would've. Come.

#334
- Is he single? - [door slams]

#335
Hello?

#336
Look at you, all proud.

#337
Now, don't tell me you've already managed to eat?

#338
I took my sweet time, too.

#339
Consider that your last supper.

#340
I'm bored with the games.

#341
Are you forbidding me to sit here?

#342
This is a public bench.

#343
You are as welcome here as I am but you won't come back again.

#344
You know why? Because you just don't have the mettle.

#345
Now get the hell out of here

#346
so I can eat my wife's egg-salad sandwich

#347
before the tomato soaks through the bread.

#348
Beautiful day.

#349
Did you get into photography when you were in college or...?

#350
No. Actually, I never went to college.

#351
Ah.

#352
Don't tell any of my patients but neither did I.

#353
Is that supposed to make me feel better or something?

#354
What? No, it was just a joke.

#355
I was doing the whole, like, turn a frown upside-down.

#356
Yeah, you know what? Hold it. I don't think we're okay.

#357
Wait, you just accepted my apology. You can't take it back.

#358
Have you ever spent time with a woman?

#359
Is my punishment coming or is it just horrible staring

#360
because the anticipation is killing me.

#361
- Make your case. - I'm sorry, what?

#362
Well, you tell me why Chorey McCrazy Chore

#363
should get to stay here two more nights.

#364
Okay.

#365
You don't understand how hard it is for some women

#366
to make it on their own nowadays.

#367
Jill is so exhausted. It won't get easier.

#368
She's her own worst enemy.

#369
She's constantly trying to please.

#370
She judges herself harsher than anyone does.

#371
Have you actually seen what you look like today?

#372
I know, I'm a skank. She never says no to anyone, so...

#373
Swing by my apartment after work,

#374
pick up a sample of my dog's stool

#375
and take it to the vet for me?

#376
I can do it at lunch.

#377
[elevator bell rings]

#378
- Oh... - It's okay.

#379
Jill can stay a little longer.

#380
And if we're real lucky, she'll realize that it's okay

#381
to give yourself a break every once in a while, right?

#382
Yeah.

#383
Hey. I took a cab from the last stop.

#384
- You forgot your coat. - I don't want it.

#385
Why would you?

#386
I was only gonna go to that stupid exhibit

#387
because I wanted you to think I was brainy or something.

#388
- I'm so angry at myself. - Oh, thank goodness.

#389
I thought you were mad at me.

#390
I've had hundreds of interns decide

#391
that they don't need me anymore. Why should...?

#392
You see, this is why you can't be friends with doctors.

#393
Carla, if it's a problem,

#394
you, me, Elliot and Turk will get together...

#395
I don't work with Turk and I'm not that close to Elliot.

#396
The only problem here is you, okay?

#397
We're supposed to be friends.

#398
Your self-esteem is so wrapped up in what you do.

#399
A doctor. That's all you are. That's how you define yourself.

#400
And you think that you're better than me because of it.

#401
- Carla, I do not think... - Admit it.

#402
Admit it right now or I'll never respect you again.

#403
Okay. Sometimes that's true.

#404
Carla, you're a good nurse.

#405
I'm a great nurse.

#406
You patronizing ass.

#407
You don't even get it, do you?

#408
In nine years, I never once felt bad about myself

#409
for what I do, not for one second.

#410
And then I met you.

#411
- Please wait. - Don't.

#412
Hey.

#414
is through someone else's eyes.

#416
Impressive.

#417
Or you'll learn from it.

#420
Hey, how many MeQs of potassium should I give this guy?

#421
You know the answer to that. Don't do that.

#422
But thanks, Bambi.

#424
See you tomorrow, Scooter.

#425
[Irish music]

#426
He's actually very talented.

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