Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E10 — Ass Kickers United - Mac and Charlie Join a Cult

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 10 — Ass Kickers United - Mac and Charlie Join a Cult

#1
My apartment is not a spa.

#2
Dennis and I are gonna take a soak.

#3
You and Dennis are going to bathe together?

#4
It's that Turkish bath thing. What are you worried about?

#5
Not worried about anything, but my apartment is not a

#6
- Turkish bath, okay? - Well, you know, this is

#7
- Dennis's apartment now, too. - No. No, goddamn it, it's not,

#8
all right? Mac and Dennis do not live here.

#9
Just... Sick of you guys doing your

#10
stupid shit in my place.

#11
- What the hell is this?! - One more! Wah!

#12
Stop!

#13
- Hey! - Oh!

#14
- Good set, boys! - What are you doing?

#15
Oh, Dee, this is Joe-Joe, Tiny, Charlie you know.

#16
- I don't care. - Together, we are Ass Kickers

#17
- United. - Oh, you guys, come on,

#18
please, I don't want you doing your weird routines in here!

#19
It's not a routine, Dee, and there is nothing weird about

#20
this, okay? Ass Kickers United is a way of

#21
life, based on the life improvement teachings of the

#22
- Master. - What kind of cult shit is

#23
- that? - No, no, it's not a cult,

#24
Frank. The Master is the only human to

#25
ever achieve enlightenment through the way of the warrior.

#26
- Stop, two, three. - One, two, three, four. Stop.

#27
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#28
Come on! Goddamn it!

#29
Frank, I can't get this fight

#30
milk out of the goddamn couch!

#31
Oh! Shit!

#32
It burned a hole in the cushion!

#33
That's probably the crotein.

#34
Don't get that on your skin!

#35
Oh! Frank, Frank,

#36
sorry I'm late, man, but, uh,

#37
good news.

#38
I brought checkers. Oh, what's up, Dee?

#39
I got dominoes, and what the hell is going on?

#40
Your place looks like shit. What happened?

#41
Yeah, yeah, it does. I'll tell you what happened.

#42
Mac and his goddamn Ass Blasters Incorporated were in here

#43
- jerking around all day. - Mac, Charlie and a bunch of

#44
- goons started a queer club. - Hmm.

#45
- They got a newsletter. - Oh, shit.

#46
"Ass Kickers United". Oh, my God.

#47
- What? - Dee, Mac didn't start this

#48
club. I did.

#49
- What are you talking about? - Yeah. I, uh... I just made

#50
this shit up about Ass Kickers United to get Mac to stop eating

#51
- my thin mints. - Huh?

#52
You know how Mac is all irritating and shit?

#53
- Of course. - The worst!

#54
Right, well, he was doing all this irritating shit, and he was

#55
driving me crazy. Worst of all, he was eating all

#56
my thin mint cookies, and, so, you know, playing on Mac's

#57
physical insecurities, I decided I would get in his head a little

#58
bit, so I created this Master character, all right?

#59
I typed up this newsletter, which was, you know, mostly

#60
about fitness and, like, just kicking ass at life in general,

#61
just kind of speaking Mac's language.

#62
But mostly, I was speaking of the dangers of consuming too

#63
many thin mint cookies. And I'll tell you, man, it

#64
worked like charm, 'cause he stopped eating thin mints almost

#65
- immediately. - That is extremely impressive.

#66
- Oh. - Dennis, I missed most of that

#67
last part. Run it by me again.

#68
Frank, I just spoke for five straight minutes.

#69
- I'm not doing it again. - Dennis started a cult.

#70
- No, I didn't start a cult. - Yeah, sure sounds like a

#71
cult. Hey, I got a great idea.

#72
Why don't you type up another newsletter and tell Mac and his

#73
dumb-dumb friends to go and fix up your apartment, right?

#74
That way, you guys can get the hell out of my place.

#75
Or maybe get some broads involved.

#76
Cults are great for attracting new-age tail.

#77
No, guys, you can't go straight to fixing apartments

#78
and getting young, new-age tail. You can't do that.

#79
That takes years of brainwashing.

#80
But here's the problem. If you don't do that and write

#81
the newsletter and fix up the apartment, then I'm just gonna

#82
- rat you out. - No. Come on, Dee.

#83
I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to. You know why?

#84
'Cause I'm up to here. All right, I've had a very bad

#85
day, all right?! I'm at the end of my rope, if

#86
- I'm being honest. - Okay, okay, Dee, calm down.

#87
All right, look, I'll test the waters a little bit, okay, see

#88
- if we can get 'em there slowly. - Maybe you can get 'em to eat

#89
a shit sandwich. That would be fun.

#90
Why the would I...? What?! No, this isn't about fun.

#91
This is about... it's about thin mints, goddamn it! Right?

#92
And the reason I'm so good at this is because I take it

#93
seriously. Now, just watch and learn.

#94
Listen up! According to the Master, guys,

#95
we're not getting enough vitamin D, so, these stickers harness

#96
the power of the sun and deliver it directly to our bodies, okay?

#97
And, apparently, guys, there's another exercise.

#98
- Yes, sensei! - Yeah!

#99
All right, now, they're called hammer jerks, and it's

#100
sort of like a... hammer, then you bend.

#101
- Mm-hmm. - Then you snap, then you jerk.

#102
- Ow. - Then a hammer.

#103
- Hammer. - Ow! Bend.

#104
- Bend, snap. - Damn it.

#105
- Jerk. - Oh, yeah.

#106
Hammer, bend, snap, jerk. Hammer...

#107
I can't believe they went for the sticker thing.

#108
- Thank you. Thank you. - Okay, so, time to dial it up

#109
a notch. Let's put 'em to work and get

#110
- 'em to your apartment. - Yeah, we can't just dive into

#111
that shit. We talked about this.

#112
- It's a slow burn. - They're wearing sticks on

#113
- their heads. They're there. - Look, look, look, stop.

#114
You guys are going crazy. You're gonna blow the thin mint

#115
thing. Will you just trust me?

#116
I got this. I am the master.

#117
I'm gonna get you what you want. You just got to let me do my

#118
- thing. - That-that-that sounds good.

#119
- Mm, yeah, okay. - You gonna goddamn blow this for me?

#120
No.

#121
You're gonna blow the thin mint thing?

#122
No.

#123
- "The Master sayeth." Mm-hmm.

#124
"Kicking ass in life is all about drywall."

#125
- And pussy. Put "pussy". - Goddamn, Frank, don't say

#126
"pussy". It's disgusting. I'm not putting it.

#127
"To be a total badass, you must learn carpentry."

#128
- Hmm. - "Fixing apartments is what

#129
- you must do." - And buy Wolf Cola.

#130
- Let's make some coin. - Okay.

#131
"And buy Wolf Cola, the only cola for true refreshment."

#132
- That's good. - "Splash into the beast."

#133
- Mm-hmm, that's great. - I know it is.

#134
Cool it with the jerky, will you?

#135
- You're driving me nuts. - Now, put-put bring pussy.

#136
- Now, put it in. - Goddamn it. All right, fine.

#137
Hey, listen, this is what I'll do.

#138
"Ladies are now mandatory. Each of you dick bags must

#139
recruit at least one woman." Should we put anything else?

#140
- Make 'em eat a shit sandwich. - What is it with you and the

#141
shit sandwich? Do you really want to see

#142
somebody take a roll and stick doody in it, and then they put

#143
it in their mouth? God, you are so gross.

#144
Okay, so, how much for the

#145
- Wolf Colas? - Five bucks a piece.

#146
Okay, great. Ma, how many you want?

#147
- I'll take three. - Okay. And Mrs. Mac?

#148
She'll have one.

#149
- Huh? - One. Any more caffeine than

#150
that, and she will not stop talking.

#151
Really? Oh, kind of want to see that.

#152
Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?

#153
- Yeah. What's up? - Um, does all this seem kind

#154
- of strange to you? - Huh? Uh, oh, you mean, the

#155
Wolf Cola thing? Yeah. I was wondering.

#156
Like, how does the Master know about Wolf Cola?

#157
Oh, he's an aficionado of all beverages.

#158
He's gonna know the finest of colas.

#159
Oh, oh, you mean, the carpentry thing. Yeah.

#160
No. Throughout history, uh, Ass Kickers have always known

#161
carpentry. Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.

#162
Right, okay. What are you talking about?

#163
- The women. The women, dude. - Oh.

#164
This is supposed to be a men's club, you know?

#165
- Who wants that around? - Oh. Uh...

#166
I don't know. I'm kind of cool with it.

#167
Also, I don't ever remember anything in the newsletters

#168
- about no women. - It could not have been more

#169
- clear: No women, no gays. - I don't ever remember you

#170
- reading anything about that. - It was implied, okay?

#171
Look, in these kind of texts, you need to be able to in-infer

#172
what's be... Look, I'll explain it to you

#173
later. I think I'm just gonna...

#174
- I needed some time off. - Whoa. Hey, man, you can't

#175
take a day off from kicking ass, okay?

#176
Look, an Ass Kicker must be present every day.

#177
An Ass Kicker must do the exercises.

#178
An Ass Kicker must avoid thin mints.

#179
I know the rules, okay? I don't need to...

#180
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna go.

#181
- You're just gonna go?! - I mean...

#182
- I mean... - Okay, I'm taking the men with

#183
- me, and Frank's got the women. - Oh, cool.

#184
- Are you an Ass Kicker now? - I'm an Ass Kicker now.

#185
Sweet. All right. Who signed you up?

#186
- The dumb one. - Oh, Tiny?

#187
No, no, no. The one eating paint chips off the wall.

#188
It tastes like paint.

#189
Uh, yeah, those are paint chips there, pal.

#190
- These are? - Yeah.

#191
- Oh, they're delicious. - Yeah, that's the good thing.

#192
- Let's go. - All right, let's go.

#193
Hey, we're gonna, uh, go swing some hammers.

#194
Oh, you guys are so great that you do construction.

#195
I mean, this is just gonna be easy-- just slap a couple coats

#196
of paint around, maybe a couple of new doors.

#197
You're gonna be in and out in a few hours.

#198
Oh! Wow! Shit.

#199
Whoa-ho! No wall! That's... pretty awesome.

#200
Okay, boys, let's get to work.

#201
Look, I do construction for a living.

#202
I mean, I thought Ass Kickers was just some sort of fun

#203
workout club-- you know, like... CrossFit.

#204
- CrossFit. - Hey, man, you don't want to

#205
take this seriously? Hey, that's fine.

#206
Why don't you give me those stickers back, then?

#207
Uh, no, I'm coming down with a cold and I need mine.

#208
Did you do, like, your deer antler spray?

#209
- Some. But I'm running lower. - Have some of mine. Here.

#210
All right, you know what, I overreacted, boys.

#211
I overreacted. I snapped at you, and the Master

#212
wouldn't like that. And I'm sorry.

#213
I think maybe this is my mission and my calling, so why don't you

#214
guys find some other mission and I'll handle this one, okay?

#215
- Thanks, Charlie. - All right, cool.

#216
- Good luck. - Thank you.

#217
- Goddamn it, Charlie. - It's fine. You know, the guys

#218
have been working their asses off.

#219
I got this. Look. Dee, the Master says fix it...

#220
I'm gonna fix it.♪ ♪

#221
Frank, is that you? I missed you in there, pal.

#222
Still pretty steamy, though, if you want to hop in and...

#223
- What the hell's this? - Just watching a little TV.

#224
- Are those Thin Mints? - Oh, yeah, big time, dude.

#225
- I love these things. - I notice, uh... you look a

#226
- little out of shape, there, bud. - I am?

#227
Yeah. Yeah, and it's a shame, too,

#228
because you've been looking so great lately.

#229
- So sexy. - I was?

#230
Yeah, so to see this is just disappointing.

#231
- To me, but you know... - This disappoints you?

#232
Yeah. What-what are you doing?

#233
You taking a day off or something, is that okay?

#234
I'm sure the master allows for that, though, right?

#235
Well, I'm not really sure about that.

#236
Oh, you're not sure, yeah. Did the master not make that

#237
crystal goddamn clear? In all those newsletters?

#238
- Was that not clear? - I didn't... I didn't read

#239
- into it like that. - Wow, wow.

#240
I mean, I haven't read the things, but I've just... you

#241
guys have been telling me and... Thin Mints, from what I

#242
understand, that was a whole thing.

#243
I think that was, like, rule number...

#244
- Oh, shit. - I... yeah.

#245
I-I... I may have... I messed up a little bit.

#246
I hope he doesn't notice the fat that I'm noticing sort of

#247
accumulated all over. But hey, maybe he won't notice.

#248
- I noticed, but maybe he won't. - Y-You don't think he would,

#249
- or... - No, I think he will.

#250
Uh, do you mind if I use the computer?

#251
I'm just gonna grab this and take it over here for a little

#252
bit, okay? Mmm.

#253
...and snap it back! Bend and snap.

#254
How's that neck, Cindy?

#255
Everything good? How are the muscles?

#256
You feeling okay? You may want to soak 'em a

#257
- little bit. - Actually, I feel great.

#258
- Oh, you feel great. - Frank, I'm in tremendous

#259
- pain. - I'm not talking to you.

#260
- I'm talking to her. - I can't breathe.

#261
Oh, she needs a cigarette break.

#262
- Could we stop, please? - I don't care what she needs,

#263
I'm not talking to you, do whatever you want.

#264
- I'm trying to hurt her. - What?

#265
Uh, well, it's... it... you have to tear the fascial tissues

#266
in order to tone the muscles properly.

#267
- According to the master. - Oh. Okay.

#268
So you bend and you snap. But snap your head back.

#269
- Bend... you see it? - Frank...

#270
- And snap! - Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.

#271
- We need to talk. - Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep

#272
- working. Go ahead. - Yeah, okay, you got it.

#273
Hey, listen. We gotta make a bit of an

#274
adjustment. Tiny and Jo-Jo, they don't want

#275
to do the construction, so I was looking into what cults do to

#276
force people into labor when the mind tricks don't work, and one

#277
of them was a personality test, right?

#278
You basically just get a bunch of dirt on people and you hold

#279
- it over their heads. - So, blackmail.

#280
Yeah.♪ ♪

#281
So this is a basic personality test.

#282
It's really simple. It just measures the amount of

#283
guilt stressors that you're feeling.

#284
You know, I took it, and I just... it's changed my life.

#285
Yeah, Dee, what... what are

#286
- guilt stressors? - Oh, great question, great

#287
question. Apparently, secrets and lies

#288
lead to guilt stressors and that's not good, you guys.

#289
You know why? It impedes muscle development.

#290
- I have read that. - Oh, really?

#291
Yeah, yeah. Well, it's science.

#292
- Oh, shit. - Yeah.

#293
It does sound like good science.

#294
So you guys just hang on to that machine and talk about all

#295
- your regrets. - And what are regrets, again?

#296
Y-You just talk about things you feel really guilty about.

#297
- Oh. - Oh, okay. Uh, okay.

#298
- Do you want to... - Yeah, I'll go.

#299
- Dee, where do my feet go? - Oh, it doesn't matter.

#300
Okay, uh... I ate a baby toad once.

#301
I'm not proud of it. It just kind of happened.

#302
It pains me to think about how scared and confused it was and

#303
wondering, "Why am I not home, and why am I in some sort of

#304
- acid pond..." - Okay.

#305
"...that's burning my skin?" And what if it was looking for

#306
its mother? It was just a baby.

#307
Oh, yeah, I got an idea. How about we let one of these

#308
- guys, uh, give it a shot. - Oh.

#309
Are you sure? 'Cause I don't really feel better, but...

#310
I'll go. Yeah. Where do my feet go, Dee?

#311
- Dee, his feet? - It doesn't make a goddamn

#312
- difference. - I ate a toad, too.

#313
- Oh, God. - Really?

#314
- I did. - Am I good, am I good?

#315
- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

#316
Go ahead.

#317
- Oh, I feel the burn. - Yeah, how's-how's the neck

#318
- feeling? How's the neck? - You know, it's not bad.

#319
- It's actually a little tight. - It's a little tight.

#320
Well, how 'bout if we hop in the healing pool...

#321
- Okay. - ...and I'll give you some

#322
touch therapy, so you don't seem too weak for the master.

#323
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#324
I don't suppose that could hurt.

#325
No, that won't hurt.

#326
Oh, shit.

#327
Oh, hi. The water's wonderful.

#328
- When did you get in here? - Oh, you don't mind that we

#329
came in first, do you? There's plenty of room.

#330
No, how long are you gonna be?

#331
Oh, man...

#332
Well... she thinks she has a tear in her uterine wall, so it

#333
- might be a while. - All right.

#334
- Let's-let's go... - I'm gonna go do a few more

#335
sets of kettlepops while, uh, running the block a few times.

#336
- Yeah, nice. - Don't want to disappoint the

#337
- master. - Mm-hmm.

#338
- You want to come? - Go, you go get yourself good

#339
- and banged up. - Okay.

#340
- Oh, yeah... - Guys, guys, guys, there's

#341
been a mistake, a terrible mistake.

#342
I got a new newsletter from the Master.

#343
There's gonna be no more women, no more Wolf Cola and no more

#344
carpentry in Ass Kickers United. This has all been a test

#345
designed by the Master to figure out who the true believers are.

#346
I passed, you failed and that's why I'm going to level two.

#347
Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be

#348
level two as well, but he'll be directly under me.

#349
Wh-What? Where'd you get that from?

#350
Uh, it was implied in the newsletter.

#351
- No. - Well, how is Dennis in level

#352
two? Or an Ass Kicker, for that

#353
- matter? - Oh, he bought in.

#354
- He... bought in? - Come on, Ass Kickers, let's

#355
get out of here before we're tainted by this disgusting

#356
- woman. - All right. Crazy.

#357
- Cool! - Failed that test.

#358
Kick some ass, huh? Go kick some ass!

#359
Thought you could outmaster the Master, idiots?

#360
So you swayed 'em back. Uh, whatever.

#361
- We can do that, too. - Do you think this is easy?

#362
You need years of practice to even sniff my talent for

#363
manipulation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have

#364
a cult that needs a charismatic leader.

#365
Yeah.

#366
Goddamn it, Frank. Goddamn it! No.

#367
No, we cannot let him get away with this.

#368
No, this is about something different now, something much

#369
- more important. - Shit sandwich?

#370
What? Why? What is that? No. God.

#371
No, this is about control now. This is about control and it's

#372
about beating Dennis. I know exactly what we need to

#373
do.

#374
Deandra, we're all set.

#375
- Yeah? - Yeah.

#376
- He's out? - He's lit.

#377
I have so much alcohol, and I gave him three bottles of Fight

#378
- Milk. - Whoa. That's a lot.

#379
Okay, you ready? Got your cards? Okay.

#380
- Okay. Here we go. - Charlie.

#381
- Charlie. - Say it louder.

#382
- Charlie, wake up! - Huh?

#383
What's... what's... What's happening?

#384
- It is I... the Master! - Am I dreaming?

#385
- You're having a vision. - Am I peeing?

#386
- Uh... - Is he peeing?

#387
- Just read the card. - You and the other Ass Kickers

#388
must con... con... What's that word?

#389
- Congregate. - Congregate, what does that

#390
- mean? - It doesn't matter, just say it.

#391
...congregate.

#392
- What does that mean? - Oh, God.

#393
You know what? Just... Hey, Charlie, hey.

#394
Get all the Ass Kickers together and meet at Mac and Dennis's

#395
apartment, okay? Lord Zolo is gonna get you on

#396
- the mother ship. - Lord Zolo?

#397
Charlie... you've graduated to the next level.

#398
Congratulations. And your reward is to get to

#399
know all the secrets of the universe.

#400
He's gonna put all those brains in my head.

#401
- Sweet. - Yeah, there's just a few

#402
- things you have to do. - Okay.

#403
I'll do them. I'm peeing.

#404
- Uh-oh. - Oh...

#405
Hey, you guys ready... Holy shit!

#406
Whoa! What the hell happened in here?

#407
Hey, do you like it? Yeah, well, before Master Rex

#408
said that we weren't supposed to do carpentry, I talked to Tiny

#409
and Jo-Jo and they got their construction crew in here.

#410
- There's a wall. - Oh, you're goddamn right

#411
there's a wall. I'm good.

#412
- Dennis is gonna shit his pants. - Yeah... why?

#413
- What are you good at? - Good at my... I'm a good

#414
person, and you know what? It's time to... to do the plan

#415
- that the master laid out. - I'm gonna take Tiny in the

#416
other room and make the pods ready.

#417
- Come on, Tiny. - Oh, we got pods?

#418
- Yeah. - Of course we got pods.

#419
Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys on that mother ship with him,

#420
you need pods. Am I right, Master?

#421
- Do-Do I get a pod? - Okay, guys, guys, guys...

#422
We got a... wow. Holy shit.

#423
- That's a wall. - Yeah.

#424
- This place looks great. - You're goddamn right this

#425
- place looks great. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty

#426
impressive stuff, Dee, but, uh... it doesn't seal the deal.

#427
Guys, I've got an announcement to make.

#428
Yeah, we've got some big news here.

#429
The Master texted me while we were on our way over here.

#430
Oh, interesting. Uh, I wonder how it's possible

#431
that the Master could've texted you when he's been here with us

#432
- the whole time. - Rex is the Master?

#433
- That makes so much sense. - Yep. Yes.

#434
- Oh, my... - Of course I know that Rex is

#435
the Master, and of course I would never question the word of

#436
someone so... wise. But I actually got a text from

#437
the Supreme Overlord Master. And that's Rex's master.

#438
- Oh, shit. - "Oh, shit," is right, you

#439
guys. That's the... he's the big guy.

#440
He sits right at the tippy-tippy-top, and he made it

#441
very, very clear to me that all of you are going to need to...

#442
- commit suicide. - I knew it!

#443
- The final circle. - Yeah, okay, sure, but hang on

#444
a second. Can I please talk to you for

#445
- just a quick second? - Sure, sure, sure.

#446
Now, why don't you guys get yourselves all lathered up in

#447
lighter fluid and, uh, you're gonna get ready to light

#448
yourselves ablaze.

#449
- All right. - Thank you for trusting me.

#450
- Yeah, of course. - I did it. I won.

#451
I am the most charismatic leader.

#452
I got Tiny to eat a shit sandwich.

#453
- Ugh! - Oh!

#454
I got him to eat a poopy.

#455
You idiot! I got these guys to think they

#456
were going to another dimension. I'm the winner.

#457
Are you kidding me? They were gonna light themselves

#458
on fire for me. I'm the winner.

#459
- Oh... - Guys, guys, hang on a second.

#460
- The winner of what? - The... the Ass Kickers, okay?

#461
The winner of the Ass Kickers. It-it's mine, it's not theirs.

#462
- What? - It's mine, it's... the whole

#463
- thing's made up, I made it up. - Master Rex, is this true?

#464
- Oh, don't ask Rex, what...? - The fire is started.

#465
Thank you so much for trusting me with this.

#466
- This is good-bye! - No... goddamn it, no!

#467
- No, man, don't do it! - Oh, shit!

#468
Run!

#469
We'll get you some help, okay?

#470
- We'll call the fire department. - Yeah.

#471
- Oh, God. - Yeah.

#472
- And then we'll go to Dee's. - Yeah, right?

#473
No, no, can't we go anywhere else?

#474
- No, Dee. - What if the Supreme Overlord

#475
tries to contact us? He has to know where we are.

#476
Yeah, exact-exactly. All right, well, at least he's

#477
- on the mother ship now. - Oh, my God! Unbelievable!

#478
Come on, let's go.

#479
- Good luck, Jo-Jo! - Thank you!

#480
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#481
Come on! Goddamn it!

#482
Frank, I can't get this fight

#484
Oh! Shit!

#485
It burned a hole in the cushion!

#486
That's probably the crotein.

#487
Don't get that on your skin!

#488
Oh! Frank, Frank,

#489
sorry I'm late, man, but, uh,

#490
good news.

#491
I brought checkers. Oh, what's up, Dee?

#492
I got dominoes, and what the hell is going on?

#493
Your place looks like shit. What happened?

#494
Yeah, yeah, it does. I'll tell you what happened.

#495
Mac and his goddamn Ass Blasters Incorporated were in here

#496
- jerking around all day. - Mac, Charlie and a bunch of

#497
- goons started a queer club. - Hmm.

#498
- They got a newsletter. - Oh, shit.

#499
"Ass Kickers United". Oh, my God.

#500
- What? - Dee, Mac didn't start this

#501
club. I did.

#502
- What are you talking about? - Yeah. I, uh... I just made

#503
this shit up about Ass Kickers United to get Mac to stop eating

#505
You know how Mac is all irritating and shit?

#506
- Of course. - The worst!

#507
Right, well, he was doing all this irritating shit, and he was

#508
driving me crazy. Worst of all, he was eating all

#510
physical insecurities, I decided I would get in his head a little

#512
I typed up this newsletter, which was, you know, mostly

#513
about fitness and, like, just kicking ass at life in general,

#514
just kind of speaking Mac's language.

#515
But mostly, I was speaking of the dangers of consuming too

#516
many thin mint cookies. And I'll tell you, man, it

#517
worked like charm, 'cause he stopped eating thin mints almost

#519
- Oh. - Dennis, I missed most of that

#520
last part. Run it by me again.

#521
Frank, I just spoke for five straight minutes.

#522
- I'm not doing it again. - Dennis started a cult.

#523
- No, I didn't start a cult. - Yeah, sure sounds like a

#524
cult. Hey, I got a great idea.

#525
Why don't you type up another newsletter and tell Mac and his

#526
dumb-dumb friends to go and fix up your apartment, right?

#527
That way, you guys can get the hell out of my place.

#528
Or maybe get some broads involved.

#529
Cults are great for attracting new-age tail.

#530
No, guys, you can't go straight to fixing apartments

#531
and getting young, new-age tail. You can't do that.

#532
That takes years of brainwashing.

#533
But here's the problem. If you don't do that and write

#534
the newsletter and fix up the apartment, then I'm just gonna

#535
- rat you out. - No. Come on, Dee.

#536
I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to. You know why?

#537
'Cause I'm up to here. All right, I've had a very bad

#538
day, all right?! I'm at the end of my rope, if

#539
- I'm being honest. - Okay, okay, Dee, calm down.

#541
- if we can get 'em there slowly. - Maybe you can get 'em to eat

#542
a shit sandwich. That would be fun.

#543
Why the would I...? What?! No, this isn't about fun.

#544
This is about... it's about thin mints, goddamn it! Right?

#545
And the reason I'm so good at this is because I take it

#546
seriously. Now, just watch and learn.

#547
Listen up! According to the Master, guys,

#548
we're not getting enough vitamin D, so, these stickers harness

#551
- Yes, sensei! - Yeah!

#552
All right, now, they're called hammer jerks, and it's

#553
sort of like a... hammer, then you bend.

#554
- Mm-hmm. - Then you snap, then you jerk.

#555
- Ow. - Then a hammer.

#556
- Hammer. - Ow! Bend.

#557
- Bend, snap. - Damn it.

#558
- Jerk. - Oh, yeah.

#559
Hammer, bend, snap, jerk. Hammer...

#560
I can't believe they went for the sticker thing.

#561
- Thank you. Thank you. - Okay, so, time to dial it up

#562
a notch. Let's put 'em to work and get

#563
- 'em to your apartment. - Yeah, we can't just dive into

#564
that shit. We talked about this.

#565
- It's a slow burn. - They're wearing sticks on

#566
- their heads. They're there. - Look, look, look, stop.

#567
You guys are going crazy. You're gonna blow the thin mint

#568
thing. Will you just trust me?

#570
I'm gonna get you what you want. You just got to let me do my

#571
- thing. - That-that-that sounds good.

#572
- Mm, yeah, okay. - You gonna goddamn blow this for me?

#573
No.

#574
You're gonna blow the thin mint thing?

#575
No.

#576
- "The Master sayeth." Mm-hmm.

#578
- And pussy. Put "pussy". - Goddamn, Frank, don't say

#579
"pussy". It's disgusting. I'm not putting it.

#580
"To be a total badass, you must learn carpentry."

#581
- Hmm. - "Fixing apartments is what

#582
- you must do." - And buy Wolf Cola.

#583
- Let's make some coin. - Okay.

#584
"And buy Wolf Cola, the only cola for true refreshment."

#585
- That's good. - "Splash into the beast."

#586
- Mm-hmm, that's great. - I know it is.

#587
Cool it with the jerky, will you?

#588
- You're driving me nuts. - Now, put-put bring pussy.

#589
- Now, put it in. - Goddamn it. All right, fine.

#590
Hey, listen, this is what I'll do.

#591
"Ladies are now mandatory. Each of you dick bags must

#592
recruit at least one woman." Should we put anything else?

#593
- Make 'em eat a shit sandwich. - What is it with you and the

#594
shit sandwich? Do you really want to see

#595
somebody take a roll and stick doody in it, and then they put

#596
it in their mouth? God, you are so gross.

#597
Okay, so, how much for the

#598
- Wolf Colas? - Five bucks a piece.

#599
Okay, great. Ma, how many you want?

#600
- I'll take three. - Okay. And Mrs. Mac?

#601
She'll have one.

#603
that, and she will not stop talking.

#604
Really? Oh, kind of want to see that.

#605
Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?

#606
- Yeah. What's up? - Um, does all this seem kind

#607
- of strange to you? - Huh? Uh, oh, you mean, the

#608
Wolf Cola thing? Yeah. I was wondering.

#609
Like, how does the Master know about Wolf Cola?

#610
Oh, he's an aficionado of all beverages.

#612
Oh, oh, you mean, the carpentry thing. Yeah.

#613
No. Throughout history, uh, Ass Kickers have always known

#614
carpentry. Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.

#615
Right, okay. What are you talking about?

#616
- The women. The women, dude. - Oh.

#617
This is supposed to be a men's club, you know?

#618
- Who wants that around? - Oh. Uh...

#619
I don't know. I'm kind of cool with it.

#620
Also, I don't ever remember anything in the newsletters

#621
- about no women. - It could not have been more

#623
- reading anything about that. - It was implied, okay?

#624
Look, in these kind of texts, you need to be able to in-infer

#626
later. I think I'm just gonna...

#627
- I needed some time off. - Whoa. Hey, man, you can't

#628
take a day off from kicking ass, okay?

#629
Look, an Ass Kicker must be present every day.

#630
An Ass Kicker must do the exercises.

#631
An Ass Kicker must avoid thin mints.

#632
I know the rules, okay? I don't need to...

#633
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna go.

#635
- I mean... - Okay, I'm taking the men with

#636
- me, and Frank's got the women. - Oh, cool.

#638
Sweet. All right. Who signed you up?

#639
- The dumb one. - Oh, Tiny?

#640
No, no, no. The one eating paint chips off the wall.

#641
It tastes like paint.

#642
Uh, yeah, those are paint chips there, pal.

#643
- These are? - Yeah.

#645
- Let's go. - All right, let's go.

#646
Hey, we're gonna, uh, go swing some hammers.

#647
Oh, you guys are so great that you do construction.

#648
I mean, this is just gonna be easy-- just slap a couple coats

#649
of paint around, maybe a couple of new doors.

#650
You're gonna be in and out in a few hours.

#651
Oh! Wow! Shit.

#652
Whoa-ho! No wall! That's... pretty awesome.

#653
Okay, boys, let's get to work.

#654
Look, I do construction for a living.

#655
I mean, I thought Ass Kickers was just some sort of fun

#656
workout club-- you know, like... CrossFit.

#657
- CrossFit. - Hey, man, you don't want to

#658
take this seriously? Hey, that's fine.

#660
Uh, no, I'm coming down with a cold and I need mine.

#661
Did you do, like, your deer antler spray?

#662
- Some. But I'm running lower. - Have some of mine. Here.

#664
I overreacted. I snapped at you, and the Master

#665
wouldn't like that. And I'm sorry.

#666
I think maybe this is my mission and my calling, so why don't you

#667
guys find some other mission and I'll handle this one, okay?

#668
- Thanks, Charlie. - All right, cool.

#669
- Good luck. - Thank you.

#670
- Goddamn it, Charlie. - It's fine. You know, the guys

#671
have been working their asses off.

#673
I'm gonna fix it.♪ ♪

#675
Still pretty steamy, though, if you want to hop in and...

#676
- What the hell's this? - Just watching a little TV.

#677
- Are those Thin Mints? - Oh, yeah, big time, dude.

#678
- I love these things. - I notice, uh... you look a

#679
- little out of shape, there, bud. - I am?

#680
Yeah. Yeah, and it's a shame, too,

#681
because you've been looking so great lately.

#682
- So sexy. - I was?

#683
Yeah, so to see this is just disappointing.

#684
- To me, but you know... - This disappoints you?

#685
Yeah. What-what are you doing?

#686
You taking a day off or something, is that okay?

#687
I'm sure the master allows for that, though, right?

#689
Oh, you're not sure, yeah. Did the master not make that

#690
crystal goddamn clear? In all those newsletters?

#691
- Was that not clear? - I didn't... I didn't read

#692
- into it like that. - Wow, wow.

#693
I mean, I haven't read the things, but I've just... you

#694
guys have been telling me and... Thin Mints, from what I

#695
understand, that was a whole thing.

#696
I think that was, like, rule number...

#697
- Oh, shit. - I... yeah.

#698
I-I... I may have... I messed up a little bit.

#699
I hope he doesn't notice the fat that I'm noticing sort of

#701
- I noticed, but maybe he won't. - Y-You don't think he would,

#703
Uh, do you mind if I use the computer?

#704
I'm just gonna grab this and take it over here for a little

#705
bit, okay? Mmm.

#706
...and snap it back! Bend and snap.

#707
How's that neck, Cindy?

#709
You feeling okay? You may want to soak 'em a

#710
- little bit. - Actually, I feel great.

#711
- Oh, you feel great. - Frank, I'm in tremendous

#712
- pain. - I'm not talking to you.

#713
- I'm talking to her. - I can't breathe.

#714
Oh, she needs a cigarette break.

#715
- Could we stop, please? - I don't care what she needs,

#717
- I'm trying to hurt her. - What?

#718
Uh, well, it's... it... you have to tear the fascial tissues

#719
in order to tone the muscles properly.

#720
- According to the master. - Oh. Okay.

#721
So you bend and you snap. But snap your head back.

#722
- Bend... you see it? - Frank...

#723
- And snap! - Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.

#724
- We need to talk. - Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep

#725
- working. Go ahead. - Yeah, okay, you got it.

#726
Hey, listen. We gotta make a bit of an

#727
adjustment. Tiny and Jo-Jo, they don't want

#728
to do the construction, so I was looking into what cults do to

#729
force people into labor when the mind tricks don't work, and one

#730
of them was a personality test, right?

#731
You basically just get a bunch of dirt on people and you hold

#733
Yeah.♪ ♪

#734
So this is a basic personality test.

#736
guilt stressors that you're feeling.

#737
You know, I took it, and I just... it's changed my life.

#738
Yeah, Dee, what... what are

#739
- guilt stressors? - Oh, great question, great

#740
question. Apparently, secrets and lies

#741
lead to guilt stressors and that's not good, you guys.

#742
You know why? It impedes muscle development.

#743
- I have read that. - Oh, really?

#744
Yeah, yeah. Well, it's science.

#745
- Oh, shit. - Yeah.

#746
It does sound like good science.

#747
So you guys just hang on to that machine and talk about all

#748
- your regrets. - And what are regrets, again?

#749
Y-You just talk about things you feel really guilty about.

#750
- Oh. - Oh, okay. Uh, okay.

#751
- Do you want to... - Yeah, I'll go.

#752
- Dee, where do my feet go? - Oh, it doesn't matter.

#754
I'm not proud of it. It just kind of happened.

#755
It pains me to think about how scared and confused it was and

#756
wondering, "Why am I not home, and why am I in some sort of

#757
- acid pond..." - Okay.

#758
"...that's burning my skin?" And what if it was looking for

#759
its mother? It was just a baby.

#760
Oh, yeah, I got an idea. How about we let one of these

#761
- guys, uh, give it a shot. - Oh.

#762
Are you sure? 'Cause I don't really feel better, but...

#764
- Dee, his feet? - It doesn't make a goddamn

#765
- difference. - I ate a toad, too.

#766
- Oh, God. - Really?

#767
- I did. - Am I good, am I good?

#768
- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

#769
Go ahead.

#770
- Oh, I feel the burn. - Yeah, how's-how's the neck

#771
- feeling? How's the neck? - You know, it's not bad.

#772
- It's actually a little tight. - It's a little tight.

#773
Well, how 'bout if we hop in the healing pool...

#774
- Okay. - ...and I'll give you some

#775
touch therapy, so you don't seem too weak for the master.

#776
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#778
No, that won't hurt.

#780
Oh, hi. The water's wonderful.

#781
- When did you get in here? - Oh, you don't mind that we

#782
came in first, do you? There's plenty of room.

#783
No, how long are you gonna be?

#784
Oh, man...

#785
Well... she thinks she has a tear in her uterine wall, so it

#786
- might be a while. - All right.

#788
sets of kettlepops while, uh, running the block a few times.

#789
- Yeah, nice. - Don't want to disappoint the

#790
- master. - Mm-hmm.

#791
- You want to come? - Go, you go get yourself good

#793
- Oh, yeah... - Guys, guys, guys, there's

#794
been a mistake, a terrible mistake.

#795
I got a new newsletter from the Master.

#796
There's gonna be no more women, no more Wolf Cola and no more

#797
carpentry in Ass Kickers United. This has all been a test

#798
designed by the Master to figure out who the true believers are.

#799
I passed, you failed and that's why I'm going to level two.

#800
Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be

#801
level two as well, but he'll be directly under me.

#802
Wh-What? Where'd you get that from?

#803
Uh, it was implied in the newsletter.

#804
- No. - Well, how is Dennis in level

#805
two? Or an Ass Kicker, for that

#806
- matter? - Oh, he bought in.

#808
get out of here before we're tainted by this disgusting

#809
- woman. - All right. Crazy.

#810
- Cool! - Failed that test.

#811
Kick some ass, huh? Go kick some ass!

#812
Thought you could outmaster the Master, idiots?

#813
So you swayed 'em back. Uh, whatever.

#814
- We can do that, too. - Do you think this is easy?

#815
You need years of practice to even sniff my talent for

#816
manipulation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have

#817
a cult that needs a charismatic leader.

#818
Yeah.

#819
Goddamn it, Frank. Goddamn it! No.

#820
No, we cannot let him get away with this.

#821
No, this is about something different now, something much

#822
- more important. - Shit sandwich?

#823
What? Why? What is that? No. God.

#825
about beating Dennis. I know exactly what we need to

#826
do.

#827
Deandra, we're all set.

#828
- Yeah? - Yeah.

#829
- He's out? - He's lit.

#830
I have so much alcohol, and I gave him three bottles of Fight

#831
- Milk. - Whoa. That's a lot.

#832
Okay, you ready? Got your cards? Okay.

#833
- Okay. Here we go. - Charlie.

#835
- Charlie, wake up! - Huh?

#836
What's... what's... What's happening?

#837
- It is I... the Master! - Am I dreaming?

#838
- You're having a vision. - Am I peeing?

#839
- Uh... - Is he peeing?

#840
- Just read the card. - You and the other Ass Kickers

#841
must con... con... What's that word?

#842
- Congregate. - Congregate, what does that

#843
- mean? - It doesn't matter, just say it.

#844
...congregate.

#845
- What does that mean? - Oh, God.

#846
You know what? Just... Hey, Charlie, hey.

#847
Get all the Ass Kickers together and meet at Mac and Dennis's

#848
apartment, okay? Lord Zolo is gonna get you on

#849
- the mother ship. - Lord Zolo?

#850
Charlie... you've graduated to the next level.

#851
Congratulations. And your reward is to get to

#852
know all the secrets of the universe.

#853
He's gonna put all those brains in my head.

#854
- Sweet. - Yeah, there's just a few

#855
- things you have to do. - Okay.

#856
I'll do them. I'm peeing.

#857
- Uh-oh. - Oh...

#858
Hey, you guys ready... Holy shit!

#859
Whoa! What the hell happened in here?

#860
Hey, do you like it? Yeah, well, before Master Rex

#862
and Jo-Jo and they got their construction crew in here.

#864
there's a wall. I'm good.

#865
- Dennis is gonna shit his pants. - Yeah... why?

#867
person, and you know what? It's time to... to do the plan

#868
- that the master laid out. - I'm gonna take Tiny in the

#869
other room and make the pods ready.

#870
- Come on, Tiny. - Oh, we got pods?

#871
- Yeah. - Of course we got pods.

#872
Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys on that mother ship with him,

#873
you need pods. Am I right, Master?

#874
- Do-Do I get a pod? - Okay, guys, guys, guys...

#875
We got a... wow. Holy shit.

#876
- That's a wall. - Yeah.

#877
- This place looks great. - You're goddamn right this

#878
- place looks great. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty

#879
impressive stuff, Dee, but, uh... it doesn't seal the deal.

#880
Guys, I've got an announcement to make.

#881
Yeah, we've got some big news here.

#882
The Master texted me while we were on our way over here.

#883
Oh, interesting. Uh, I wonder how it's possible

#884
that the Master could've texted you when he's been here with us

#885
- the whole time. - Rex is the Master?

#886
- That makes so much sense. - Yep. Yes.

#887
- Oh, my... - Of course I know that Rex is

#888
the Master, and of course I would never question the word of

#890
the Supreme Overlord Master. And that's Rex's master.

#891
- Oh, shit. - "Oh, shit," is right, you

#893
He sits right at the tippy-tippy-top, and he made it

#896
- The final circle. - Yeah, okay, sure, but hang on

#898
- just a quick second? - Sure, sure, sure.

#899
Now, why don't you guys get yourselves all lathered up in

#900
lighter fluid and, uh, you're gonna get ready to light

#901
yourselves ablaze.

#902
- All right. - Thank you for trusting me.

#903
- Yeah, of course. - I did it. I won.

#904
I am the most charismatic leader.

#906
- Ugh! - Oh!

#907
I got him to eat a poopy.

#909
were going to another dimension. I'm the winner.

#910
Are you kidding me? They were gonna light themselves

#911
on fire for me. I'm the winner.

#912
- Oh... - Guys, guys, hang on a second.

#914
The winner of the Ass Kickers. It-it's mine, it's not theirs.

#915
- What? - It's mine, it's... the whole

#916
- thing's made up, I made it up. - Master Rex, is this true?

#917
- Oh, don't ask Rex, what...? - The fire is started.

#918
Thank you so much for trusting me with this.

#919
- This is good-bye! - No... goddamn it, no!

#920
- No, man, don't do it! - Oh, shit!

#921
Run!

#922
We'll get you some help, okay?

#923
- We'll call the fire department. - Yeah.

#924
- Oh, God. - Yeah.

#925
- And then we'll go to Dee's. - Yeah, right?

#926
No, no, can't we go anywhere else?

#927
- No, Dee. - What if the Supreme Overlord

#928
tries to contact us? He has to know where we are.

#929
Yeah, exact-exactly. All right, well, at least he's

#930
- on the mother ship now. - Oh, my God! Unbelievable!

#931
Come on, let's go.

#932
- Good luck, Jo-Jo! - Thank you!

#933
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

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