Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S08E04 — Charlie and Dee Find Love

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 8, Episode 4 — Charlie and Dee Find Love

#1
I just... I can't believe you just bought, like,

#2
another ridiculous ugly car.

#3
You are lucky I am letting you into my goddamn...

#4
Oh, shit, okay, okay, here she comes, here she comes.

#5
Okay, see, what is she doing?

#6
She appears to be delivering food.

#7
No. That's not what I'm saying-- I know that.

#8
She's actually delivering Indian food now-- it's a good gig.

#9
But I mean, why is she not locking up her bike?

#10
This is a bad neighborhood.

#11
Oh, shit.

#12
Okay, look at this guy.

#13
He's totally gonna steal it.

#14
I got to move.

#15
What are you talking about?

#16
Keep it moving, guy!

#17
Goddamn it!

#18
Charlie!

#19
What are you doing here?

#20
You're just leaving your bike unlocked?

#21
I'm protecting it so it doesn't get stolen!

#22
Okay, you know what?

#23
I'm done.

#24
I am so done with this.

#25
You need to stop stalking me.

#26
You need to leave me alone.

#27
Look... do you have any idea what a mess your life would be

#28
if I wasn't always helping you out?

#29
I keep a list.

#30
I keep a list of things that I do, okay?

#31
I watch your bike so it doesn't get stolen, okay?

#32
I put, uh... I put vitamins in your shampoo so your hair doesn't fall out.

#33
I test your food so it doesn't get poisoned.

#34
Charlie! Listen to me.

#35
I am finished.

#36
Stop following me.

#37
Do you want me to be happy?

#38
Do you want me to be happy?

#39
Yes!

#40
Then stop being around every time I turn around!

#41
You have to leave me alone!

#42
You want me to be, like, gone forever?

#43
Yes. Do you hear me?

#44
Yeah, I hear you. It's... Okay.

#45
Okay, so this is good-bye?

#46
Yeah. Good-bye, I guess.

#47
Great.

#48
Okay, good. Thank you.

#49
Bye. Goddamn.

#50
Charlie.

#51
Oh, shit, she slammed you, huh?

#52
Do you want to follow her around some more?

#53
Nah, whatever, she's, like... she's right, you know?

#54
Can we just go back to the bar, Dee?

#55
Mm, no, I'd like to follow her around.

#56
Uh... goddamn it!

#57
If you don't have car insurance, you better have dental because I

#58
am gonna smash your teeth into dust!

#59
So sorry, that was completely my fault.

#60
Yeah, it's goddamn your fault, I... Oh... look at you. My God.

#61
I'm Trevor.

#62
This is my sister Ruby.

#63
Hi.

#64
Hi.

#65
Hi.

#66
Hi.

#67
Oh, geez.

#68
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#69
No. I don't understand.

#70
None of this is making any sense.

#71
Dude... what is not to understand, okay?

#72
We got in an accident, right?

#73
They felt a little bad about it, one thing led to another, they

#74
asked us out to, like, a dinner date.

#75
Who are these people exactly?

#76
- Trevor and Ruby Taft. Right? - Yeah.

#77
What do you mean "Taft"?

#78
Like... the Taft family?

#79
I don't know.

#80
Yeah, Taft family, yes.

#81
That's a good get, Charlie.

#82
I'm rich, but these people are in the stratosphere.

#83
Yeah, my whole family was a Taft family.

#84
My uncles and grandfathers and cousins all worked for TaftCo Enterprises.

#85
My uncle even drowned in a vat of their molten steel.

#86
He didn't drown, he burned up.

#87
Yeah, he probably burned.

#88
Yeah, I don't think he drowned.

#89
Either way, this is a great opportunity, okay?

#90
Do not screw this up, because if you get into a family like this,

#91
it's like becoming royalty.

#92
What's the plan for the date?

#93
The... I mean, no plans.

#94
We were just gonna be ourselves.

#95
Ha!

#96
Don't.

#97
Do not be yourself.

#98
No, no, no, that's terrible.

#99
Be anybody but yourselves.

#100
Anybody!

#101
Charlie, do not eat any cheese or any cheese-like substances, okay?

#102
If you see any cheese, you run away from it!

#103
Dee, do not be a drunk, punchy whore, okay, you whore?

#104
But... No, there's no buts!

#105
There's no buts.

#106
Do not screw this up for me-- for you... for all of us.

#107
What is the plan for the date?

#108
I guess we'll become one of them or something.

#109
Now, uh, as I understand it, your family came over on the Mayflower?

#110
Um, yes, they can actually be traced back to the original settlement.

#111
Oh, yeah. Well, I imagine they destroyed many an Indian.

#112
Mm.

#113
I too sort of have distaste for the Indians, you know?

#114
They're savage things.

#115
They're nasty, really.

#116
Right, right, they needed to be exterminated.

#117
I mean, you hate to say it, but... You do hate to, but it's the truth.

#118
So congratulations to your family.

#119
Uh, my family, uh, we were... we were a railroad family.

#120
That's right, the Vandervelts were a distant relative.

#121
Right, yeah.

#122
Well, and I, too, am of a large... um, money-ful family.

#123
He, too.

#124
Shippers of-of goods and, uh... Services.

#125
Builders of... tall... Buildings.

#126
Would anyone like a drink?

#127
A drink? No, thank you.

#128
No, thank you, never will I drink.

#129
Whoop! Mm...

#130
It's all right.

#131
That's all right.

#132
Is he all right?

#133
Just talk about a different... I can ignore the cheese.

#134
It's not... I'm sorry, I can't do it!

#135
All right, then screw it.

#136
'Cause I've been eying this guy all night long.

#137
Excuse me, oh!

#138
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

#139
We've been putting on airs.

#140
I know I come across, like, super fancy.

#141
I'm not.

#142
We're not the blue blood fancy types that you think that we are.

#143
Thank God!

#144
We thought we made a huge mistake.

#145
We like you guys 'cause you aren't anything like the people that we know.

#146
Really?

#147
Yes.

#148
Oh, my God.

#149
Oh, shit, that is such a relief because look at this pit stain.

#150
I mean, we're, like, totally, like, normal.

#151
Oh, I'm sweating like... You like this pit stain?

#152
That's nasty, yo!

#153
I've got bodily functions, I'm sorry!

#154
Hey, guys, can we do some shots?

#155
Yes! I would love to do some shots.

#156
Right, see, we're getting after it now!

#157
We're getting after it!

#158
No, no, see, this doesn't add up.

#159
This does not make any sense.

#160
Why is this going well?

#161
Can the girl not smell Charlie?

#162
Can the guy not see Dee?

#163
Something's fishy.

#164
Dennis, don't poke holes in this, okay?

#165
This is like Lady Di being plucked from the streets like

#166
the trash she was and the trash that Charlie and Dee are.

#167
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#168
I know what's going on here, guys.

#169
Now this makes sense.

#170
See, I know what's happening here.

#171
This is a Les Liaisons Dangereuses.

#172
Oh, shit!

#173
A what?

#174
Dangerous Liaisons.

#175
What is that?

#176
The movie.

#177
I don't know that movie.

#178
It was like-like Cruel Intentions.

#179
She's All That?

#180
Can't Buy Me Love?

#181
Almost any movie made in the late '90s?

#182
Guys, guys, these are the games that rich people with nothing

#183
but time on their hands play with people that they perceive

#184
to be below them.

#185
That girl is just toying with Charlie.

#186
She's gonna crush him.

#187
Yeah, I hate to say it, but I think you're right.

#188
What about Dee?

#189
What, Dee?

#190
No, she's constantly being crushed.

#191
She'll bounce back, she always does.

#192
Or she won't. It doesn't matter.

#193
I don't care about that.

#194
All I care about is Charlie here.

#195
Now, guys, we got to dig a little deeper.

#196
Oh!

#197
Ooh! Ooh!

#198
Oh, look at this.

#199
Look at this. Shall we?

#200
You're going.

#201
Oh, no, no, no.

#202
No, you guys are going, right?

#203
No. Get in the car and leave.

#204
No, we' c Ping with.

#205
Don't glom onto this.

#206
Hi, you guys.

#207
Hey, you brought some friends.

#208
No. No. No, not friends. Hobos.

#209
Yeah. Come on in. The more, the merrier.

#210
You guys up for some tennis?

#211
Yeah!

#212
Yeah. You got booze?

#213
You got food?

#214
You got stuff to eat?

#215
All right.

#216
All right, Frank, I'll play on Ruby's team, and over the

#217
course of the game, I'll subtly extract her plan to humiliate Charlie.

#218
I'll get her.

#219
Oh, yes, I will definitely have her.

#220
Whoa, whoa, Dennis, you're not gonna hit on her, right?

#221
Huh? No, no.

#222
Look, you sounded like you were gonna try to bang her.

#223
I'm not gonna hit on her, okay? I'm not gonna try and bang her.

#224
- Don't. Don't do it. - Just, will you trust me?

#225
Whoa!

#226
Come on! Come on, Frank!

#227
Oh, hey, stay on that side when the ball comes to you.

#228
No.

#229
Ball!

#230
Damn it!

#231
Hey, yo, Ruby.

#232
Time out, time out.

#233
Let's take a little break.

#234
Yeah?

#235
Let's take a little breather.

#236
I thought you said you were good at this.

#237
I am good.

#238
It's just, you know, this shirt is, like, ridiculously-tight,

#239
and it's restricting my play, so, I think I'm just gonna pop it off.

#240
Oh.

#241
What do you think about this?

#242
About what?

#243
What I'm presenting you.

#244
I think you look really pale. Do you need some sunscreen?

#245
Well, it's the first of the season.

#246
I haven't had a chance to get a base going, you know...?

#247
Dennis? Dennis?

#248
What do you think of the pecs? What do you think of...?

#249
- Dennis?! - What?

#250
Come here!

#251
Give me a second, all right?

#252
What?

#253
I thought you said you weren't gonna hit on her.

#254
Am I hitting on her?

#255
Yeah.

#256
Oh, shit. Okay.

#257
No, you're right.

#258
Okay, I went into default mode. My bad.

#259
Yeah, all right.

#260
Hey, do I look pale?

#261
* Company, always on the run Destiny is the rising sun... *

#262
What the hell is she doing?!

#263
She's gonna ruin this whole thing!

#264
* That's why they call me * Bad company Zee, zah, da, da... *

#265
* And I can't deny... *

#266
I love how free and uninhibited you are.

#267
Oh, yeah?

#268
How about I free that big fat snake in your pants and

#269
uninhibit myself all over it?

#270
What?

#271
Let's hump.

#272
Oh.

#273
Whoops.

#274
Hey, guys.

#275
Whoa! Whoa!

#276
Shit. No. No.

#277
Oh, sorry. He... You startled me.

#278
That's a pretty good stance you got there. Are you trained?

#279
I spent some training, yeah.

#280
You?

#281
Yeah. Krav Maga.

#282
That's cool.

#283
Judo, karate.

#284
I got more of a Catholic thing going on.

#285
You know, sort of the hand of God.

#286
Stupid idiot. Get out here!

#287
Beat it. We were in the middle of a thing.

#288
No, no. That was really cool.

#289
Could you show me that last move again?

#290
Get out of here! Go on!

#291
Get of here!

#292
We're in the middle of some... the middle of something.

#293
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, whoa.

#294
Ow.

#295
Sorry you got a cramp.

#296
Oh, she's really digging her hooks into him, mm-hmm.

#297
What a bitch.

#298
Ugh! Hold on a second.

#299
Oh, the same person keeps calling me.

#300
I'm just gonna answer it.

#301
Hello. Who is this?

#302
Who? Who is...?

#303
I don't know that name.

#304
Who? Who?

#305
Oh, oh, Waitress.

#306
Why didn't you just say that?

#307
Uh, because my name is not Waitress.

#308
Okay, you know what?

#309
It doesn't even matter.

#310
Did Charlie steal my bike?

#311
What are you talking about?

#312
Charlie's been with me the entire day.

#313
How did you get this number?

#314
I changed it.

#315
Look, I need my bike back, because if I don't get it back,

#316
I'm gonna lose my job.

#317
Look, I don't... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ugh!

#318
Hello? Hello?

#319
God! I'm gonna have to change my number again... Holy shit.

#320
Oh, no. Frank, I just realized something.

#321
What?

#322
Without Charlie doing all those insane things he's always

#323
doing for the waitress, her life is gonna completely change.

#324
What do you mean?

#325
Well, so, she's gonna be constantly calling or dropping

#326
by, looking for answers, so there's a very good chance that

#327
she's gonna have a front-row seat for the final moment of humiliation.

#328
And that's gonna destroy Charlie for good.

#329
What's the final moment of humiliation?

#330
That's the climactic moment where the rich people reveal

#331
their twisted game to all their wealthy friends, and everybody

#332
has a good laugh.

#333
Okay, Frank, here's what's gonna have to happen.

#334
You're gonna have to do all of those creepy things on Charlie's

#335
list to keep the waitress from poking around while this whole

#336
thing runs its course.

#337
What are you gonna do?

#338
Phew!

#339
I got something very important planned.

#340
Come in! There's a problem!

#341
I can't make head or tail of Charlie's chicken scratch!

#342
Just do the best you can, okay?

#343
I can't... can't really talk right now.

#344
Putting rat poison in her shampoo.

#345
Just gonna make her hair fall out. Crazy.

#346
I don't know.

#347
Look, the kid knows her better than anybody else.

#348
If he puts rat poison in her hair, put rat poison in her hair.

#349
Look, I'm busy. I can't talk.

#350
What do you mean, you're busy?!

#351
This is the whole thing, Dennis!

#352
I'm just... I'm getting some stuff done, okay?

#353
Oh, shit!

#354
I think she just came in.

#355
I'm getting another call.

#356
Hold on, hold on. Hello?

#357
Who? Who?!

#358
Just say Waitress!

#359
Look, has Charlie been poisoning me?

#360
'Cause I've been...

#361
Frank, you got to step it up with that list, man.

#362
This bitch is driving me nuts.

#363
What happened?

#364
Just, I'm busy, okay?

#365
Just do it.

#366
Hello?! Hello?!

#367
Hello?

#368
Charlie?

#369
No. It's your neighbor.

#370
Can I be, like, perfectly honest with you about something?

#371
Yeah.

#372
There's a... there's a girl who lives in this building, and,

#373
um, well, she's... she's the love of my life.

#374
Okay.

#375
And, uh... and I like you so much that before we move any

#376
further, I just... I don't know.

#377
I had to get that out there, 'cause I think I'm ready to let

#378
her go, but I just have to be sure.

#379
Does that make sense?

#380
Yeah.

#381
Charlie? There you are.

#382
Look, I don't know what kind of twisted game you're playing, but

#383
you need to make it stop.

#384
Whoa. Hold on a second.

#385
I have no idea what you're talking about.

#386
Really? Because someone's been poisoning me, and something

#387
is making my hair just fall out.

#388
Look, calm down, all right?

#389
I-I... I've been with her the last couple days.

#390
I really haven't been anywhere near you.

#391
Yeah, he's been with me.

#392
Oh, shut up, bitch!

#393
Who the hell is this, Charlie?!

#394
Hey! No. She...

#395
She's my girlfriend.

#396
Oh, my God.

#397
Sorry about that.

#398
Come on.

#399
Let's get out of here.

#400
I'm sorry about that. Wow.

#401
How's this, Trevor?

#402
Is this cool?

#403
Very cool.

#404
Get off me!

#405
Shut up, Dee!

#406
I got that stupid bitch.

#407
Oh! Goddamn it!

#408
Goddamn it! Oh!

#409
Clocked him.

#410
Oh! Oh... Oh, no... Amazing!

#411
You guys are out of control.

#412
I'm out of control.

#413
I'm out of control.

#414
Yeah, you are.

#415
Hey, I want to invite you two to a party at our estate tomorrow night.

#416
My father's going public with TaftCo.

#417
Oh, well, then... are you sure you want him to come?

#418
Of course.

#419
He's practically family.

#420
Hey!

#421
Come on, show me some more of those moves.

#422
Oh, yeah. Okay, well, this next stuff I learned from a

#423
wrestler called The Maniac.

#424
So we're gonna have to go ahead and get pretty oiled up.

#425
Sure.

#426
Great.

#427
This is classy as shit, huh?

#428
Dee, crack that open for me, 'cause it's hurting my hands.

#429
Yeah. I wonder why he didn't tell us it was black-tie.

#430
I feel like we're underdressed.

#431
Because, Dee, Trevor loves us for us.

#432
Hey.

#433
Oh, hey!

#434
Glad you guys could make it.

#435
Thanks, man! How you doing?

#436
These are a few of my old frat brothers.

#437
This is Dee and Mac that I was telling you about.

#438
Hi.

#439
What's up, boys?

#440
How are you?

#441
Hey, um, I'm sorry that we're not dressed appropriately.

#442
I mean, you guys all look so good.

#443
Oh, well, the attire at these sorts of events are... well,

#444
things my friends and I take for granted.

#445
Don't be embarrassed, though.

#446
You guys didn't know any better.

#447
No, I should've known better, 'cause I'm practically a Taft myself.

#448
My uncle's probably built into the foundation of this place.

#449
Really? Weird.

#450
Hey, where do you want us to sit?

#451
Well, you guys'll be out here with some of my frat brothers'

#452
guests.

#453
Now, if you'll excuse us, we all have some catching up to do.

#454
Oh, yeah. We'll... we'll meet you af... we'll see you after.

#455
Kind of weird, right?

#456
Yeah, but at least we can make fun of these dorks all night long, right?

#457
That'll be fun. Geeks!

#458
Oh, no, Mac.

#459
I see what's going on here.

#460
He's doing to us what I like to do to Charlie and the waitress.

#461
Huh?

#462
Oh, no. Follow me.

#463
Oh!

#464
I got that stupid bitch.

#465
Oh! Goddamn it!

#466
Oh!

#467
Man, biggest losers ever.

#468
You know it.

#469
Oh!

#470
Oh!

#471
That's two for one, fellas.

#472
Come on, pay up, pay up.

#473
Those two are by far the worst we've ever had. Let's go.

#474
Goddamn it.

#475
I can't believe it.

#476
That's a tough pill to swallow.

#477
What are you doing here?

#478
You know, they're not the only ones who know how to play these games.

#479
Huh?

#480
What?

#481
I'm saying I also know... I have a thing.

#482
Just come with me. Come with me.

#483
All right, folks, if you could settle down, please?

#484
If I could have your attention.

#485
Uh, thank you all for being here tonight.

#486
I, uh, I wanted you all here so that I could tell you this.

#487
I've decided to go public with TaftCo Enterprises.

#488
Wonderful! Oh, bravo!

#489
Excuse me. Fantastic, Neil!

#490
Good for you! Good for you!

#491
Too bad when you do, the SEC's gonna be all up in your ass.

#492
What?

#493
You see, you thought you all could get together and play your

#494
little games, have some fun, you know, invite some geeks to the

#495
ball, swap some stories, have a laugh. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

#496
But you took it a little too far... when you gave an

#497
inside-trading tip to my friend Mac, didn't you, Trevor?

#498
What are you talking about?

#499
Pedro.

#500
And by the way, my father's going public with TaftCo next

#501
week, so buy stock today at 34, not 36.

#502
Cool. Yeah, I'll call my broker.

#503
Right, call your broker.

#504
Ooh... you ready for round two, big guy?

#505
This-this is taken out of context.

#506
What was the context?

#507
Wrestling.

#508
It's wrestling.

#509
We're oiled up and wrestling.

#510
What is so hard to understand about this?!

#511
Nice, huh?

#512
Trevor... you imbecile!

#513
Why would you tell him that?

#514
I didn't know I was being filmed.

#515
If you're in my room, you're always being filmed.

#516
It's true.

#517
It's his thing, it's kind of creepy, but... But that's not all, everyone.

#518
You see, Ruby Taft, she likes to play her little games, too, don't you Ruby?

#519
But I am not gonna let you humiliate my other friend either.

#520
Cause he might be choosing someone else after all.

#521
Charlie, phone call for you.

#522
Charlie, somebody accidentally hit the waitress

#523
with my car-- their car, when they were following her.

#524
No... she wants to talk to you.

#525
She says she really needs you.

#526
Wait, did she say that, or are you just saying it?

#527
Yeah, talk to her yourself.

#528
Charlie, look, I don't know what's been going on, but if you

#529
think you can make it stop, I need your help.

#530
I want you back in my life.

#531
Do you really mean that?

#532
Yeah.

#533
I need you.

#534
Okay. I'll be right there.

#535
Awesome. Well, I'm out of here.

#536
What? What are you talking about.

#537
I'm leaving.

#538
I'm going to be with the waitress-- she's the woman I love.

#539
No, but I... I wasn't using you like Charlie was.

#540
He's a total asshole.

#541
I really, really, really like you.

#542
Oh.

#543
Yeah, I know.

#544
Okay? I was using you.

#545
That's why I kissed you in front of the waitress.

#546
That's why I banged you a bunch of times, just to make the

#547
waitress jealous.

#548
Amazing. You slept with me almost instantly.

#549
And by the way, a quality woman doesn't do that.

#550
She doesn't say yes right away.

#551
She says no to a man, for years, like, ten years.

#552
That's what a real woman does, okay?

#553
You know what you were acting like? A stupid little rich slut.

#554
And that's all that you are.

#555
How can you do this to me?

#556
Are you still talking?

#557
Go away, dumb-dumb.

#558
Go run and hide. Go from me.

#559
I don't want to see you anymore.

#560
Women, right?

#561
Ah, man, all right, cool.

#562
I'm out! All right!

#563
I didn't see that coming.

#564
No.

#565
Guess Charlie had the cruelest intentions of all, huh?

#566
Uh, see? Feeling better?

#567
Yeah.

#568
You know, I-I've, um, I've been thinking about the restraining order.

#569
You're gonna get rid of it?

#570
No. No, no.

#571
But, um, but I was thinking about reducing it from, like, a

#572
hundred feet to, like... 50 feet?

#573
Awesome! Okay.

#574
Okay.

#575
I can work with that.

#576
All right.

#577
Oh, so now? Starting now?

#578
Yeah, probably.

#579
Could you just leave the soup there?

#580
Uh... is this okay over here, or...?

#581
Uh, I don't think there's 50 feet in this room, so...

#582
I'll go down the hall. Okay.

#583
I'll see you tomorrow.

#584
All right, well, that's fine.

#585
From a distance, though.

#586
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

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