Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S08E05 — The Gang Gets Analyzed

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 8, Episode 5 — The Gang Gets Analyzed

#1030
Yeah, yeah, and it's not gonna be me, okay?

#1032
Setting the table?

#1033
Are you dumb?

#1034
I hosted!

#1035
It was wall-to-wall details!

#1036
I was on edge the whole time.

#1037
Well, it's gonna be you or Frank or Charlie, 'cause Dennis and I cooked.

#1038
The food was mush.

#1039
The food was divine.

#1040
It was pheasant.

#1042
I bankrolled; case closed.

#1043
Well, I had the hardest job of anyone... I traveled all the

#1044
way to this exotic merchant in search of this rare fowl...

#1045
What the hell are you talking about, Charlie?

#1047
Okay. This is all, you know, a little bit unorthodox, but it

#1048
is clearly about much more than just the dishes.

#1050
Well, yeah, I mean, we're complex people, you know?

#1051
Our rivers run deep, and... I believe I can help you with this.

#1054
Ivy League college, no less, not this, uh, LaSalle.

#1055
It sounds like a pasta dish.

#1056
It does, it does.

#1057
But let's not be mean, Frank.

#1059
Now, use me as a resource.

#1061
Now, I was thinking we could start with a few one-on-ones,

#1062
you know, move on to a couple of mix-'em-ups, you know, and then

#1063
end with a big group dealio.

#1064
I'm going first, please?

#1065
Can I go first?

#1067
And it is you.

#1068
Aah! Yes!

#1069
You seem very on edge.

#1070
Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm on edge!

#1071
I hosted the shit out of that party!

#1072
And that's just not setting the table, okay?

#1073
I made a playlist, I thought of cool shit to talk about, I

#1074
provided security, I kept everybody safe! Safe!

#1075
You know, sometimes I feel like... I feel like they don't

#1077
That's bullshit!

#1078
That's bullshit!

#1079
We're, like, the best friends in the whole goddamn world!

#1080
Goddamn them for making me think otherwise!

#1081
Are you okay?

#1082
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

#1084
Mac, let me ask you a question.

#1085
Yeah.

#1086
Do you often feel strong emotion felt in quick succession?

#1087
Oh, yeah. And not just my emotions.

#1088
I have had a slight fluctuation with my weight recently.

#1090
I gained and lost 60 pounds in three months.

#1091
Wow, that's almost impossible.

#1093
jot that down.

#1095
I had to buy all new clothes, and... people used to cross the

#1096
street when I would walk by.

#1097
They'd be, like, "Whoa, look at that monster coming towards us,

#1098
you know, barreling towards us."

#1099
Mac... you're not that guy anymore.

#1100
Don't you think I know that?

#1101
And I'm starting to think that I'll never become that monster again.

#1102
Oh, so you preferred being scary to people?

#1103
Yeah. Lady, I was as big as a skyscraper, and now I'm as tiny

#1104
as a postage stamp.

#1105
Oh. I get it. Cute.

#1106
You leave this pen here and people are supposed to think,

#1107
"Wait, that looks like a dick."

#1108
Mac, have you ever heard of the term "body dysmorphia"?

#1109
Is that what I have?

#1110
Is that what's making me so thin?

#1111
No. Body dysmorphia is when you see a distorted version of

#1112
yourself that no one perceives but you.

#1113
Oh, but Dennis perceives it, too, because he's been giving me

#1114
size pills to make me bigger.

#1115
Dennis is, like, my best buddy.

#1116
Well, oftentimes, drugs don't address the root of the problem.

#1117
Talking through the issues may be the best way for you to

#1118
address your mood swings and body issues.

#1119
Talking about it?

#1120
Talking about it!

#1121
No, that's good. That's good.

#1122
So if we talk about it, then you think that I'll get most

#1123
bigger... from talking!

#1124
Oh, that's really good.

#1125
You know... thank you.

#1126
Thank you for this.

#1127
You know, when I first walked in here, I was, like, "There's no

#1128
way that this is gonna work,"

#1129
'cause I just do not get the whole woman doctor thing, but

#1130
then when you started talking about God, I realized that

#1131
you're one of the smart ones.

#1132
All right, let's do it, let's talk about it.

#1133
Let's talk about God, and let's talk about how you're gonna make

#1134
me more bigger.

#1135
Will you put the pen down?

#1136
Hey-o! Time's up!

#1137
Get out, slim. Let's go.

#1138
That door is supposed to be locked.

#1139
Oh, yeah, yeah, I taped the knob... I knew I'd be popping in

#1140
and out quite a bit.

#1141
Let's go. Ticktock, ticktock.

#1142
Time's up. Ticktock, tiny man.

#1143
Okay, let's not get bogged down.

#1144
You know, just time for headlines.

#1145
Okay. These guys need structure, Doc, and that'll become clear to

#1146
you... you just don't see it yet.

#1147
Now, you are gonna want to strap in for this next one.

#1148
Charlie?

#1149
Um... why don't you share with me how you feel the dinner went.

#1150
Fine, I'll do the dishes!

#1151
You're just gonna make me do 'em anyway!

#1152
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

#1153
Why do you assume I'm gonna make you do the dishes?

#1154
'Cause it's Charlie work, and I'm gonna get stuck with it, so

#1155
I'll just do the dishes!

#1156
Goddamn it!

#1157
"Charlie work."

#1158
What's "Charlie work"?

#1159
Fill me in.

#1160
Oh, right.

#1161
You don't even know what Cha...?

#1162
Right. Okay, well, Charlie work is, like, you know, like,

#1163
basement stuff, cleaning urinals, uh, blood stuff, your

#1164
basic slimes, your sludges.

#1165
Anything dead, or decay, you know, I'm on it, I'm dealing with it.

#1166
And you dislike it?

#1167
Well, no. I mean, at its core, I love it.

#1168
You know, I love the dark, I love slippery things, I love

#1169
being naked, uh, in the sewer.

#1170
Bleach smells good, uh, tastes good, you know, but it's just,

#1171
like, I don't like being told what to...

#1172
I'm sorry, I didn't get that last one.

#1173
I don't like being told what to do.

#1174
Everyone's always telling me what to do all the time.

#1175
Got it, got it.

#1176
Kick me around.

#1177
I'm, like, probably the weirdest guy in the universe, you know.

#1178
Probably even weirder than someone from Saturn.

#1179
Why do you think you're weird?

#1180
I don't know.

#1181
I'm just... weird, I guess.

#1182
What did... what did Dee tell you?

#1183
I'm not at liberty to discuss other patients... I mean, like, would it be

#1184
weird if you survived an abortion?

#1185
You know, would it be weird if, like, you shared a bed with a

#1186
man who may or may not be your father?

#1187
Again, I can't talk about... You know what would be weird?

#1188
If you eat cat food to go to sleep, and you have such a

#1189
fascination with cats that maybe you glue cat hair on the back of

#1190
your neck every now and then?

#1191
That's new information that I haven't... You know, I mean, 'cause, so,

#1192
you know, like, is it bad?

#1193
No. No. Being comfortable in your own skin is never a bad thing.

#1194
Oh, my God, right.

#1195
Okay, so if I got, like, more skin or something, then I

#1196
could, like, never do a bad thing in my life, and maybe I

#1197
never have done a bad thing 'cause I have a lot of skin.

#1198
That's not what I'm saying.

#1199
What I'm saying is, given your... nontraditional life

#1200
choices, you are surprisingly well-adjusted.

#1201
Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm well-adjusted, you know, because

#1202
of my lack of traditions, and I'll adjust to that, and...

#1203
I feel like you're mirroring my words, but you're not exactly

#1204
understanding them.

#1205
You're saying, like, do the things you do, go even further with them.

#1206
You know, maybe get a ton of cat hair, glue it all over your

#1207
body, you know, walk around like a cat man in the night through the alleyways.

#1208
You know, and stop hiding the pigeon.

#1209
The pigeon?

#1210
This one. You know, let him be who he wants, let him... let him fly away. Go!

#1211
He's dead, I think.

#1212
So, you've had the... a dead pigeon in your jacket this whole time?

#1213
He was alive at one point, you know.

#1214
I'm not crazy. It's just, I think I might have hugged him a

#1215
little too hard, kind of smothered him a bit, but, um,

#1216
hey, we'll make an adjustment,

#1217
uh, to it, and we'll make a tradition out of it.

#1218
Okay...

#1219
Let's talk about... I ain't talking about nothing!

#1220
This skull is Fort Knox.

#1221
Why don't you trust therapists?

#1222
I opened up to a therapist just once.

#1223
I was a kid.

#1224
I got into a fight.

#1225
The doctor asked me question after question!

#1226
Got me so scrambled up.

#1227
Next thing you know, I was shanghaied upstate to a nitwit school.

#1228
You know what a nitwit school is?

#1229
I assume you mean a school for the mentally disabled.

#1230
Yeah. Not just for nuts in the head.

#1231
Bodies, too.

#1232
Back then, science was real crude.

#1233
They stuck us all together.

#1234
My roommate was a frog kid.

#1235
You ever see a frog kid?

#1236
Frog kid?

#1237
Yeah. The place was windowless.

#1238
There was a guard every ten feet.

#1239
All the rooms had drains in the floors so they could hose us down.

#1240
How terrible!

#1241
Got my first kiss there.

#1242
Frank?

#1243
It was terrible!

#1244
But not her.

#1245
She was an angel.

#1246
Always smiling.

#1247
That's because she had no lips, but her mouth was still very much in play.

#1248
Let's talk about the dishes.

#1249
Oh!

#1250
She died two weeks later.

#1251
She thought she was a space man with a plastic bag for a helmet.

#1252
Oh!

#1253
Aah!

#1254
Oh, you unzipped me.

#1255
It's all coming back.

#1256
It's all coming back.

#1257
I hate you!

#1258
It's all coming back, you understand?!

#1259
I don't like it!

#1260
I don't like to think about it.

#1261
Oh, it's-it's... With a plastic bag for a helmet!

#1262
Oh! Oh!

#1263
Oh, you unzipped me. Oh! Oh!

#1264
This is me saluting you.

#1265
I'm a big fan of your work.

#1266
How quickly you rattled their cages, broke them all down.

#1267
It's not about breaking.

#1268
It's about helping them.

#1269
Hmm. It's interesting, our thing, isn't it?

#1270
To be in someone's mind, to have complete control.

#1271
It's like the thrill of being near the executioner's switch,

#1272
knowing that at any moment, you could throw it, but knowing you

#1273
never will.

#1274
But you could.

#1275
Never isn't the right word, because I could, and I might.

#1276
I probably will.

#1277
Will you sit down, please?

#1278
Yeah, sure. Sorry.

#1279
Did I make you nervous?

#1280
Not my intention.

#1281
Well...

#1282
So... who would you like to discuss first?

#1283
How about you?

#1284
That's good, but we don't really have time for jokes, so

#1285
let's jump right into it, shall we?

#1286
Now, I've long maintained psychological dossiers on every

#1287
single one of those raving lunatics in your waiting room

#1288
right now.

#1289
The top one, and the thickest, by far, is Charlie's, of course.

#1290
But I'd rather start... with Mac.

#1291
Oh.

#1292
Start with a simple one.

#1293
Now, how did your session with him go?

#1294
Dennis, as I think you know, I'm not at liberty to discuss

#1295
another patient.

#1296
Listen, why don't you think of me more as a peer, you know,

#1297
in the academic sense, of course?

#1298
In terms of age, you're decades older than me.

#1299
But why don't I start, okay?

#1300
Um, if you'll open up your dossier there, you'll see there

#1301
on the first page is something that you picked up on almost

#1302
immediately, which is his reverse body dysmorphia.

#1303
And this... a well-placed pen, can have quite an effect on a

#1304
man like him.

#1305
This must have given him quite the thrill.

#1306
I bet he tried to suck on this.

#1307
Did he?

#1308
Huh?

#1309
It's okay, Doc.

#1310
You can tell me.

#1311
He's always sucking on the pens in our apartment.

#1312
I'm always having to hide them.

#1313
Well, I showed you mine.

#1314
Why are some of these pages written in crayon?

#1315
My file on Dee was started in the second grade.

#1316
Interesting.

#1317
Interesting?

#1318
Tell me about these size pills you're giving Mac.

#1319
Well, now, that's more like it.

#1320
So they're Mexican ephedra.

#1321
Calling them size pills was an eloquent solution.

#1322
The guy was gross.

#1323
It was disgusting.

#1324
He was fat as shit, he smelled liked shit, he sounded like

#1325
shit, his groans, his snores, the sleep apnea.

#1326
It was gross.

#1327
He was repulsive, really.

#1328
So he has no appetite because you're drugging him, secretly.

#1329
Giving a man medicine for his disease... wherever did I get

#1330
that idea?

#1331
What are you writing?

#1332
Writing?

#1333
Oh, nothing.

#1334
Drawing.

#1335
Drawing conclusions.

#1336
And... drawing this.

#1337
You like it?

#1338
It's very generous.

#1339
Dee, I'm afraid I have a serious issue to discuss with you.

#1340
Yeah.

#1341
I cannot help you if you are lying in every session.

#1342
Lying?

#1343
Why would I be lying?

#1344
What are you talking about?

#1345
Why would you... where are you getting this?

#1346
Were you or were you not... Uh-huh.

#1347
...the first choice for the female lead in The Notebook?

#1348
Yes.

#1349
Yes, I was and I had to, unfortunately, pass because of

#1350
a scheduling conflict.

#1351
We...

#1352
We went over this.

#1353
I graciously handed it to Rachel McAdams and she did a fine job

#1354
with the film.

#1355
I'm secure enough to admit that.

#1356
I'm finding all this hard to believe.

#1357
Oh, what do you want to hear, Doc, huh?

#1358
That I had cigarettes put out on me when I was a kid?

#1359
That this isn't a surgery scar, huh?

#1360
That my father stabbed me? Huh?

#1361
Okay, let me interrupt you for a second, okay, because I

#1362
think we have an example happening right before our eyes.

#1363
You're speaking right now with a Brooklyn accent and yet...

#1364
Boston.

#1365
It was a Boston accent.

#1366
The accent was clearly from Brooklyn.

#1367
This isn't a surgery scar.

#1368
No, you don't say scar.

#1369
That's clearly Brook... Yes, I did.

#1370
No.

#1371
Okay, the point is, Dee... >> It's a really good... Hmm?

#1372
...I just met your father and I think that little bit was from

#1373
Good Will Hunting.

#1374
Yeah, he's not my father.

#1375
That's a whole can of worms.

#1376
I don't want to go into it.

#1377
But it was from Good Will Hunting.

#1378
How-how did you enjoy it?

#1379
I'd rather discuss the father issue.

#1380
You know what, she really wasn't that great, now that I

#1381
think about it.

#1382
Who?

#1383
Rachel McAdams.

#1384
Feel like I could've done a better job.

#1385
Do you think that I would've done a better job, with that

#1386
Ryan Gosling?

#1387
I've never seen you act.

#1388
Oh, really?

#1389
Uh... ta-da!

#1390
I've been lying the whole time!

#1391
Oh!

#1392
So, good, you admitted it.

#1393
Uh-uh, that was acting.

#1394
What I just... right there was acting.

#1395
I said I was lying, and that wasn't even true.

#1396
That was acting.

#1397
All right, so uh!

#1398
You are...

#1399
I am so... I'm good.

#1400
I am so... How are you feeling about all of what I'm doing?

#1401
Did you like that?

#1402
Did you think that was good?

#1403
Tell me I'm good.

#1404
Tell me it was good.

#1405
Tell me I'm good.

#1406
Tell me I'm good.

#1407
Tell me that was good.

#1408
Tell me I'm good.

#1409
Tell me I'm good.

#1410
Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

#1411
Tell me I'm good.

#1412
Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

#1413
Tell me I'm good.

#1414
You're good.

#1415
Thank you.

#1416
Was it that hard?

#1417
What is happening?

#1418
Let it out.

#1419
Let it out, Frank.

#1420
Dennis, there was another twin in your mother's womb.

#1421
We were going to call him Donnie.

#1422
You and Deandra devoured him before he could be born.

#1423
You gobbled him up.

#1424
That can't possibly be true.

#1425
Donnie!

#1426
You would've been the good one.

#1427
It would've been Bruce's kid anyway, Frank.

#1428
Jesus Christ.

#1429
I can't take much more of this shit.

#1430
It's starting to irritate me.

#1431
Dennis, Dennis, you should do some quadra-lift thrusters with me.

#1432
Oh, better yet, get up on my shoulders.

#1433
That's even better because then I need more weight on my back.

#1434
Mac, if you want to get big, take a size pill.

#1435
Take a size pill.

#1436
No, thank you.

#1437
What do you mean, "No, thank you"?

#1438
Good for you.

#1439
Yeah, I want to do this the right way, Dennis.

#1440
The therapist implied that God wanted me to have bovine

#1441
hormones and I think she's going to get them for me.

#1442
Dennis, can I give you some advice?

#1443
Absolutely not.

#1444
Look, hey, do what you want to do in life, you know, and

#1445
there's nothing wrong with that.

#1446
Oh, what I want to do?

#1447
Mmm, well... that's what I want to do.

#1448
Oh, well, I applaud you for that.

#1449
Absolutely, you know.

#1450
Oh, good.

#1451
And now know that, of course, I'll come back at you with

#1452
everything that I have.

#1453
What are you...?

#1454
Get him, Charlie.

#1455
Go ahead, get him.

#1456
Get him, get him, get him, get him.

#1457
Get him for Donnie.

#1458
Get him.

#1459
How's that? Huh?

#1460
You having a white Christmas?

#1461
You having a white Christmas, you bitch?

#1462
This ends now, lady.

#1463
This ends now.

#1464
You got Frank all messed up, you got Mac not taking his size

#1465
pills, you got Charlie thinking that he's well-adjusted when

#1466
he's the craziest of all.

#1467
Stop calling me crazy!

#1468
I'm not crazy.

#1469
You're crazy, okay?

#1470
You've been eating pigeon all day and loving it.

#1471
You all ate pigeon.

#1472
What?

#1473
What?

#1474
Yeah, I served you pigeon, okay?

#1475
I'm not going to spend my money on a pheasant when I can get a

#1476
perfectly good street bird.

#1477
All right, you ate pigeon...

#1478
Oh, my God!

#1479
Jesus Christ, Charlie.

#1480
Screw it.

#1481
Tell him I'm not crazy.

#1482
You are... you know what, I don't care.

#1483
I'm going to get my stomach pumped.

#1484
Lady, you got to finish this, okay? Give us answers now.

#1485
Well, I think we've made some great steps today.

#1486
Dishes!

#1487
- What? - Dishes.

#1488
- There is much more at play here than just... - Dishes!

#1489
So you want me to just tell you who... Dishes.

#1490
Dishes.

#1491
On a severe dysfunctional... Dishes, dishes,

#1492
dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes... Okay, okay!

#1493
Dee, do the dishes.

#1494
Boom!

#1495
Blah!

#1496
I feel like a weight has been lifted.

#1497
You're a good therapist.

#1498
She is pretty good.

#1499
That's good.

#1500
You goddamn dirty... Oh, I got an idea.

#1501
I'll do the dishes, okay?

#1502
Oh, there's the dishes.

#1503
Guys like that?

#1504
Are you happy now?

#1505
Here's some dishes.

#1506
You screwed me, you bitch.

#1507
There's the dishes, all really nice and clean.

#1508
Good idea.

#1509
Dee, do the dishes.

#1510
Here, I got it, I got it. Do I need help?

#1511
No, sit tight, please, have a beer. I'll do the dishes.

#1512
I got it, please, help yourself to the desert.

#1513
It's in the refrigerator.

#1514
You like this, huh? Here's the dishes.

#1515
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

« Prev Page 2 of 2 Next » Back to Search