Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S08E06 — Charlie's Mom Has Cancer

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 8, Episode 6 — Charlie's Mom Has Cancer

#1
Hey, knock, knock.

#2
Oh, hi, Charlie.

#3
Hey, Ma.

#4
Listen, you're doing me a solid offering to do this laundry, all right?

#5
Well, we never get to talk.

#6
That's why I offered.

#7
We don't talk, and it's good that way.

#8
Hello.

#9
Hey, Mac's here.

#10
He brought his laundry.

#11
Thanks a bundle, Mrs. Kelly.

#12
I got Frank's stuff, Dee's stuff, Dennis' stuff, so you're gonna be working.

#13
Oh, okay, well, what I wanted to talk to you about... Ooh, talky, talky, talky,

#14
talky, talky.

#15
You know, Mom, we're busy.

#16
We got a whole big day planned.

#17
Yeah, we got to go back to Paddy's and polish off a couple

#18
beers, so it's like... Beers, you know, but hey.

#19
Time is of the essence.

#20
We'll come back when it's folded and good and done.

#21
I'd like to bring it up now.

#22
Um, I have cancer.

#23
Yeah, but I got to... I'm sorry. What?

#24
I have lung cancer.

#25
What?

#26
But how?

#27
You don't even smoke.

#28
Well, you know, it's just one of those freak things.

#29
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#30
And then Psychic John said that he could tell I

#31
was under a tremendous amount of stress and that my heart was

#32
filled with sorrow.

#33
Now how would he have known that if he wasn't psychic?

#34
I'm not giving you any money for your dumb psychic.

#35
But he says I'm gonna have a tremendous windfall of cash.

#36
You're losing your mind.

#37
You're being scammed.

#38
I'm losing my mind?

#39
How many pairs of shoes have you lost this month, Frank?

#40
Three.

#41
Hmm?

#42
Four. That's not the point.

#43
The point is my mind is as sharp as a... what do you call it?

#44
Um, it's a... Knife?

#45
No, uh, what you put... What you... What you... I just don't understand why

#46
it's my fault.

#47
It's your fault because your mom is directly responsible.

#48
Yeah, but we both decided to move them in together, so you

#49
know, you deserve half the blame.

#50
You want to put half the blame on me?

#51
Guys, my mom has lung cancer.

#52
Oh, God.

#53
You know, geez.

#54
That's-that's terrible.

#55
What the hell was that, dude?

#56
That didn't sound very genuine.

#57
No. Sorry.

#58
What was I supposed to do?

#59
What are you... Are you kidding me?

#60
Are you screwing with me right now?

#61
No, I'm sorry.

#62
I think the cancer thing, for whatever reason, is just not...

#63
You know, it's just not grabbing me right now.

#64
Not grabbing you?

#65
My mom is dying!

#66
Okay, calm down, calm down.

#67
Okay, because my mom has a doctor that can cure the cancer

#68
for 4,200 bucks, so no big deal.

#69
4,200 bucks? To cure cancer?

#70
That's it?

#71
No, I mean, that's a scam.

#72
That's what I was saying.

#73
Do you think it's a scam?

#74
Come on, people take advantage of old people and scam them all the time.

#75
Thumbtack.

#76
What?

#77
Thumbtack.

#78
We were talking about things that earlier that were sharp,

#79
and a thumbtack is sharp.

#80
Thumbtack?

#81
Yeah.

#82
All right. You see what I'm talking about?

#83
People get old and then their brains turn to mush, and then

#84
people come along and take advantage of them.

#85
Now, Frank, give me the hundred bucks you were excited to give

#86
me for my psychic.

#87
Oh, yeah.

#88
Sorry.

#89
Here you go.

#90
Thank you.

#91
Yeah.

#92
Where the hell are we?

#93
I mean, your mom's totally screwing my mom again with this doctor scam.

#94
No, it's not a scam, Charlie.

#95
She's been seeing this guy for years, and she doesn't have cancer.

#96
Yeah, I got to say, though, this is a strange place for a doctor's office.

#97
What's this guy's name?

#98
Dr. Jinx.

#99
Dr. Jinx is the name of a monkey, not a man.

#100
Come in.

#101
He lives in a garage?

#102
Yeah. Guys, look, let's just give him a shot, all right?

#103
If we don't like what we see, we reassess.

#104
All right. Go.

#105
Oh, I'm sorry.

#106
Are you Dr. Jinx?

#107
Indeed I am.

#108
Have a seat.

#109
Goddamn it.

#110
So, what are we gonna do, guys?

#111
I'd just like to say this is, uh, this is weird.

#112
Now, I can understand your suspicions.

#113
Now, when most people think of a doctor, they don't think of a

#114
black man living in a garage surrounded by houseplants.

#115
I normally think Asian.

#116
Yeah, or I think of an Indian guy.

#117
Or white.

#118
Middle Eastern. Pretty much anything other than black.

#119
Is that racist?

#120
Hell, yeah, it's racist.

#121
Your parents ain't let you watch The Cosby Show when you was coming up?

#122
Oh, my parents would never have let me watch something like that.

#123
Let's not make this about racism.

#124
Let's make this about the man who's living in a garage

#125
treating my mom for cancer.

#126
Hey, hey, now, look, here's my deal: I use ancient homeopathic remedies derived

#127
from the Mother Earth.

#128
You can't get no cleaner than that.

#129
Homeopathic from Mother Earth, huh?

#130
Dr. Jinx, I have an eczema situation that's burning me up good.

#131
Do you have anything for that?

#132
Oh, shit.

#133
Well, that's not eczema.

#134
What you have there, my friend, that's sailor's rot.

#135
Sailor's rot?

#136
I'm not a sailor, Dr. Jinx.

#137
When was the last time you've been to Haiti?

#138
Never. I've never been to... I've been to Kensington.

#139
When you was in Kensington, did you have intercourse with

#140
any hoes, ladies of the nights, or prostitutes?

#141
No. No. I have... Don't worry about it.

#142
Doctor-client privilege.

#143
Don't worry about it.

#144
I got what you need, okay?

#145
Oh! Oh! Oh, that burns!

#146
Mother Earth don't play.

#147
Do you have anything from the Mother Earth that would be

#148
sprayed on me and cause me to have feelings again 'cause I'm

#149
having trouble feeling things.

#150
Oh, you want feelings?

#151
Oh, I have something for that.

#152
Dr. Jinx got something for feelings.

#153
Okay, so that was a scam, right?

#154
Yep.

#155
Oh, absolutely, yeah.

#156
I think he sprayed me with Miracle-Gro.

#157
All right, guys, my mom has real problems.

#158
I need real help.

#159
Oh, I got it.

#160
I know exactly who we need to turn to next.

#161
* Raise you up on eagles' wings Bear you on the breath of dawn *

#162
* Make you to shine like the sun and hold you in the palm of his hand. *

#163
Holy, holy, holy.

#164
Lord God of power and might, heaven and earth are full of your glory.

#165
This is ridiculous.

#166
What are we doing here?

#167
We're turning to the big man upstairs.

#168
He's gonna make this right.

#169
I can't believe you think this is a real solution to our problem.

#170
Dennis, what do you think of all this?

#171
Shh. Amen.

#172
I'm just trying to embrace this.

#173
I want to see if I can knock some emotion loose.

#174
This is ridiculous.

#175
Hey, hey, hey, don't say that; now kneel.

#176
Why do I have to kneel?

#177
I don't see the point.

#178
Because God wants it.

#179
Look, just do what the priest says; don't ask why, just do.

#180
Look, our moms are here.

#181
They see the value in it.

#182
Why can't you?

#183
Where's your mom going?

#184
Oh, she keeps a cigarette burning out on the steps

#185
outside, so she's gonna go hack a butt.

#186
So, she just comes and goes as she pleases?

#187
There's no sort of rules for her?

#188
She's put her time in here, all right?

#189
The Lord makes an exception for her.

#190
Jesus Christ, man.

#191
Hey... stop using his name in vain; now, stand.

#192
Stand?

#193
Yes, and give me some money for the baskets.

#194
No, I'm not giving you money.

#195
We have to give money... Thank you, thank you.

#196
Look, maybe the church should give us money, you know?

#197
They seem to have plenty of it.

#198
Dude, the church doesn't give money; it takes it, all right?

#199
That's the way it works.

#200
And then you go to heaven.

#201
Now, kneel.

#202
Kneel? I got to kneel again?

#203
Actually, it's over.

#204
We're standing again.

#205
Son of a bitch!

#206
This is a scam, okay?

#207
This is a scam.

#208
It's kneeling, standing, getting people all confused.

#209
Hey, hey, come here.

#210
What are you doing?

#211
What are you doing?

#212
Offering you a sign of peace.

#213
I don't want this.

#214
Peace be with you.

#215
Can I say something?

#216
Can I say something?

#217
Sorry about your mother.

#218
Okay, I want to talk about someone in your life.

#219
Okay.

#220
Okay, someone close to you.

#221
All right.

#222
I'm getting a Fa... No, I'm getting a Ba... No, I'm getting a Da... Dennis?

#223
Dennis!

#224
Is it?

#225
Yes, yeah, no, I'm seeing that.

#226
Dennis?

#227
Yup, yup, I'm seeing Dennis.

#228
Okay.

#229
And I am feeling as if he is a neighbor... or an enemy.

#230
He's a coworker, friend, he's a relative... He's my brother.

#231
He's your brother.

#232
Oh, my God.

#233
Yes.

#234
Is he how I'm getting my windfall of cash?

#235
You know, I'm not seeing clearly yet how you get the cash.

#236
I do see a lot of money in your future.

#237
You do?

#238
Yeah, but... Oh, shit.

#239
I think it's gonna take a few sessions to really get the whole picture.

#240
Is it?

#241
Ha... I was just out buying new shoes and I remembered

#242
I didn't want to give you that hundred bucks.

#243
Yeah, and then you called me and you said you changed your

#244
mind and you'd like to give me another hundred, so where is it?

#245
I did?

#246
Yeah.

#247
Ah, shit.

#248
Hi. Psychic John.

#249
You have an interesting aura.

#250
Don't start with me.

#251
Who's gonna win the Super Bowl this year?

#252
You don't know shit.

#253
Well, I do know that you lost three pairs of shoes this month.

#254
You have a pork chop bone in your left pocket; you have 57

#255
cents in your right, and you clipped someone's side mirror

#256
while parking in a handicap spot.

#257
Holy shit.

#258
That's good.

#259
Can you conjure the dead?

#260
Can you get my dead whore wife back here so I can lay into her

#261
from the other side?

#262
Well, I can't do that.

#263
Nah, because you're full of shit.

#264
I can't do it because I feel her spirit is still very much alive.

#265
What? No, well, I don't know about that.

#266
W-W-Wait a minute.

#267
I knew there was always something suspicious about that whore's death.

#268
Really?

#269
Yes, we didn't ask any questions.

#270
We never saw the body.

#271
We didn't go to the funeral.

#272
I am feeling as if she is still living somewhere in the

#273
city with a small Mexican dog.

#274
Does that ring a bell?

#275
Ooh, that dirty bitch.

#276
Well, I'll tell you, guys.

#277
I didn't feel much in there, but I do always enjoy the little wafers.

#278
Of course you do because you're consuming the actual body of Christ.

#279
Uh-huh, well, he was delicious.

#280
Wait, what?

#281
You're eating our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ every Sunday, that's...

#282
You're telling me that you believe that Christ comes back

#283
to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers, and then

#284
you proceed to just eat the man?

#285
Correct, you consumed his corpse and you drank his blood; that's a part of...

#286
Good, good, good, good.

#287
This is what we're dealing with.

#288
Hey, Mom.

#289
Can I talk to you for a second?

#290
Why are you here, honestly?

#291
I was praying for help.

#292
I need the money for Dr. Jinx.

#293
Dr. Jinx is a con artist and a lunatic.

#294
I-I know he's strange, but he's a great doctor.

#295
He really does cure people.

#296
Hey, guys, look at this.

#297
My rash is almost completely cleared up.

#298
Oh, my God.

#299
Whoa.

#300
Yeah, look at that.

#301
Whatever he sprayed on me worked.

#302
He might actually be a good doctor.

#303
Oh, shit.

#304
Hi, everybody, just a reminder if you wouldn't mind.

#305
We're asking for extra donations for the statue of the Blessed

#306
Mother that was vandalized last week.

#307
What the shit, man?

#308
Charlie.

#309
My mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?

#310
No, no, no, no, don't give me this act.

#311
Charlie, calm down.

#312
No, no, no, why don't you give us some money, okay?

#313
How much is that ring worth?

#314
That looks like an expensive ring; can we have the ring?

#315
Okay, uh-uh, I'm sorry, Father, I will pray for his sins.

#316
I'm sorry.

#317
What are you doing?

#318
It's okay. I got this.

#319
What am I doing?

#320
What is he doing?

#321
No, listen, listen, listen.

#322
Don't get all riled up about this scam or that scam, you know.

#323
It's all a big scam, okay?

#324
Yeah.

#325
But I will say this, the church's scam?

#326
It's a pretty good one.

#327
It's effective.

#328
Look at all the money these people are giving to the church.

#329
So, I say we use that model to raise money for your mom at Paddy's.

#330
Guys, let's throw a beef and beer.

#331
A beef and beer... it's been years.

#332
Beef and beer, huh?

#333
Yeah, we invite the members of this congregation down to

#334
Paddy's for cheap beef and watered-down beer.

#335
We'll prey on their Catholic guilt by playing up your mom's

#336
cancer and "Oh, she's dying,"

#337
and she is, you know, and we'll raise a bunch of money to give

#338
to your mom to give to Dr.

#339
Jinx.

#340
It's the Holy Trinity:

#341
beef and beer and Jesus.

#342
Dig, dig, dig.

#343
What makes you think she's got money buried in the dog's grave?

#344
Well, she can't use a bank.

#345
She's probably got money buried all over the city.

#346
Oop, there we go.

#347
Yeah, dig it up, dig it up.

#348
Come on, buddy.

#349
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#350
Oh, yeah.

#351
Aah, goddamn!

#352
Aw, there's a dead dog in there!

#353
Gross!

#354
That's not a dog.

#355
That's my toupee, my blond toupee.

#356
I used to wear this in Miami.

#357
She hated this goddamn thing.

#358
Oh, she didn't like that?

#359
No.

#360
You are an idiot.

#361
Oh, my God, there is some cash.

#362
That dirty whore.

#363
There's got to be, like, five grand in here.

#364
I bet she's probably got this stuff hidden all over the city.

#365
I can't believe this.

#366
She's alive.

#367
We better tell your brother Daryl 'cause he's gonna want to be in the loop.

#368
Dennis?

#369
Dennis, Dennis, goddamn it!

#370
Okay, shh.

#371
Frank, you're losing it!

#372
Stop it. Pipe down.

#373
People live here.

#374
My head is turning to soup.

#375
Okay, I get it.

#376
Hey, uh-uh, Mr... Juarez.

#377
Mr. Juarez, that's right.

#378
You remember the Mexican family whose house we burned down and

#379
we had to give them our mansion.

#380
Oh, how do you like the mansion?

#381
Oh, it's been very, very nice.

#382
You know, the weddings, the quinceañeras, but it's very expensive.

#383
Uh, how you call it, uh, property tax.

#384
It's too much.

#385
Yeah.

#386
We had to leave.

#387
Anyway, I am back here every Saturday.

#388
Why?

#389
Oh, I have to go to work.

#390
Aw, shit.

#391
Well, that sucks.

#392
Tell you what.

#393
Property taxes... paying for what you already own?

#394
Now, that's a scam.

#395
* We want the funk got to have the funk Oh, we want the funk We need it *

#396
* Gotta have that funk We want the funk... *

#397
Padre!

#398
So good to see you.

#399
So good of you to come.

#400
Oh... Yeah, right on, right on.

#401
Well, it's for a good cause, isn't it?

#402
So... have some beef, have some beer.

#403
And if you feel the calling, you know, go ahead and pop that ring

#404
in the donation bucket.

#405
Although I know you won't.

#406
All right. Have a good time.

#407
We're both playing the same game, I-I totally get it.

#408
I get what you're doing.

#409
Let me see the-the neck.

#410
Mom, turn your head that way.

#411
Can we do more lesions?

#412
No, dude, the lesions are fine.

#413
That's overkill.

#414
Trust me.

#415
I don't know why I have to wear all this makeup, and wear a bald cap.

#416
Mom, you want people to feel sorry for you, right?

#417
Then they give a lot of money.

#418
And you just don't look that sick.

#419
You gotta look sicker.

#420
But I feel like it's lying.

#421
Oh, it's not lying, Mrs.

#422
Kelly, because you are dying of cancer.

#423
Yeah.

#424
It's devouring your insides.

#425
But we need for it to devour your outside, so it plays better for our audience.

#426
Yeah, look, Mom, it's just basic Hollywood stuff, all right?

#427
Don't fight it.

#428
Why can't you get Frank to give me the money?

#429
Frank's not really like a big charity kind of guy.

#430
He's not really gonna give it.

#431
Okay.

#432
Let's talk about the speech, okay?

#433
Can you go over the speech that we gave you?

#434
I don't like this speech.

#435
This speech is too graphic.

#436
It... it needs to be graphic to get their attention.

#437
This bitch is driving me crazy.

#438
I'm sorry.

#439
Look, that's the kind of stuff that's going to grab people, you

#440
know what I mean?

#441
Like... graphic stuff, melt their... Artemis, what are you doing?

#442
You can't smoke in here.

#443
It's not tobacco.

#444
I realize it's not tobacco, but it's not going to be good for her lungs.

#445
She's already... I'm used to smoke around me.

#446
Oh... She can recover.

#447
She can beat it.

#448
It's only going to add... Can you go outside?!

#449
Whatever.

#450
I'm gonna go have some beef.

#451
Have some beef, but don't smoke in front of the woman.

#452
* We are Dr. Jinx... *

#453
We are Dr. Jinx, and we'll be back in a minute.

#454
All right.

#455
All right, that's good stuff.

#456
Good stuff, hey... everybody give it up one more time for Dr. Jinx, huh?

#457
Dr. Jinx.

#458
The man with a band named after himself.

#459
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we all know why we're here.

#460
To celebrate the beautiful life of the beautiful Bonnie Kelly.

#461
But I'd like to take a moment, if-if you'll indulge me.

#462
I learned something very important today, and it just dawned on me.

#463
I want to talk about faith.

#464
Right on.

#465
It's not about... whether something is true, or-or based

#466
in fact, or reality, or the laws of physics, or nature, or-or

#467
even basic common sense.

#468
It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters.

#469
Oh, folks, who the hell am I to say that there is no God?

#470
Who am I?

#471
Or to say that anybody's belief in the church doesn't make their life better?

#472
Maybe it does.

#473
Or that this man, Dr. Jinx... who am I to say that he can't

#474
cure diseases with his sorcery?

#475
I don't know.

#476
I say, maybe he can.

#477
And I believe that maybe he can.

#478
Ladies and gentlemen, if we believe... if we just believe...

#479
then we can do anything!

#480
Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I feel it now!

#481
Do you feel it?

#482
Do you feel the spirit?

#483
Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist?

#484
Oh, it doesn't matter!

#485
Dr. Jinx feels it, yeah!

#486
Woo, I feel good!

#487
Yeah!

#488
We feel magnificent, yeah!

#489
And we can cure cancer with plants.

#490
Amen.

#491
Mm, thank you so much.

#492
Thank you so much.

#493
Oh, oh-oh-oh.

#494
Dennis, that was amazing, dude.

#495
I am so proud of you.

#496
You are feeling again.

#497
No.

#498
I meant none of it.

#499
Let's go, Mom, come on.

#500
Just read the speech.

#501
I don't think I can do this.

#502
You-you can do it.

#503
You'll be great.

#504
My... my mom has a speech!

#505
"Thank you all for coming to our Beef and Beer and Jesus.

#506
As you know, I'm as sick as a three-legged dog on the streets of India.

#507
Any minute, my lungs are going to sizzle, pop, and disintegrate

#508
into a liquid lung and organ gumbo soup."

#509
That was my line.

#510
Nice.

#511
Mm.

#512
Charlie, I can't do this.

#513
Just get to the money part.

#514
All right, just get the money part done.

#515
"Give me money.

#516
Money me.

#517
Money now.

#518
Me a money needing a lot now."

#519
That was Charlie's line.

#520
Yeah.

#521
Eh.

#522
Charlie, I-I can't do this.

#523
Doing great.

#524
Doing great.

#525
I have a confession to make to all of you.

#526
Don't do it, bitch!

#527
I don't have cancer.

#528
What?

#529
We're the ones that broke the Virgin Mary statue.

#530
We accidentally hit it with our car.

#531
Mm... We were trying to raise money to get it fixed.

#532
That's just crazy.

#533
You could've just told me the story about hitting the statue.

#534
I mean, where did you come up with this idea?

#535
Well, I learned everything by watching you.

#536
Well, I... Oh... Aw, shit, I did do that, huh?

#537
Yeah, you totally... you pulled that shit on us, too.

#538
Well... You son of a bitch.

#539
That's no excuse.

#540
Yeah, well, at least you didn't try and grift a doctor, though.

#541
No, no, I never actually said I was a doctor.

#542
He is the goddamn church gardener.

#543
A gardener?

#544
I guess that would explain this.

#545
Oh!

#546
Oh, Jesus... I was gonna talk to you about that.

#547
I'm really sorry.

#548
You had my back up against the wall, I had to spray you with a

#549
heavy dose of pesticide.

#550
Put some aloe vera gel on there, a little bit of vitamin D... What?

#551
He doesn't know that.

#552
He doesn't know that.

#553
Don't get a diagnosis from him now. Why... how would you know that?

#554
Goddamn it.

#555
Dennis. Dennis!

#556
Mom's alive.

#557
She faked her own death to steal Frank's money, and we think it's

#558
buried in her grave.

#559
That dirty whore.

#560
Everybody get a goddamn shovel!

#561
This is such a perfect place for that bitch to hide my money.

#562
Oh, Psychic John talked about this.

#563
He said I was gonna come into a windfall of cash, and it's all in here.

#564
Yeah, and then we can use some of that cash to pay for the

#565
statue that our moms broke, Charlie.

#566
All right!

#567
You guys ready?

#568
Crack it open, Charlie.

#569
Charlie, Charlie... Show me the

#570
money, show me the money...

#571
Ah, shit!

#572
No! No!

#573
Mommy, Mommy!

#574
Ah! I grifted ya!

#575
What are you talking about?

#576
I paid off the psychic.

#577
I buried the money in the dog grave.

#578
My mommy, my mommy's a skeleton!

#579
I grifted your asses good because you said I was slipping.

#580
I feel too much!

#581
I feel too much!

#582
You made me dig up my dead mother because I said you were losing it?

#583
Score one for the old people.

#584
Ha ha!

#585
Wait a minute.

#586
What the hell happened to my shoes?

#587
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#588
And then Psychic John said that he could tell I

#589
was under a tremendous amount of stress and that my heart was

#590
filled with sorrow.

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