Home » Scrubs » S01E11 — My Own Personal Jesus

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 11 — My Own Personal Jesus

#1
[J.D.] Ah, Christmas Eve.

#4
Are you aware that you're in everyone's way?

#5
Everyone's way?

#6
Or your way? Think about it.

#7
Think about it, huh? I'll think about it.

#10
- Carla, what time is it? - I don't know

#11
but I'm guessing it's about 9.15ish.

#12
Oh, this thing!

#13
- Who put this up? - [Janitor] I did.

#14
I drove round the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift,

#15
just looking for that.

#16
Trying to add a little cheer.

#17
You will not ruin my Christmas.

#18
Not again.

#19
Not this year.

#20
I've only worked here for three months.

#22
I understand that you took a cab all the way here.

#23
But I can't give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy.

#24
Dr. Kelso?

#25
You know, I don't want to sound insensitive,

#26
but why don't these people have any money?

#27
I don't know, sir, they probably waste it all on food.

#28
Dr. Kelso, I need you to precept a patient.

#29
19-year-old with abdominal pain. Turns out she's about eight months pregnant.

#30
I'll let the family practice people handle it.

#31
That's a wonderful idea, except I heard your smart-aleck remark

#32
so why don't you just keep your little pregnant girl?

#33
It'll be good practice for you as you'll probably end up in a female specialty anyway.

#34
Oh, what do you mean by that? I'm internal medicine.

#35
Well, of course you are.

#36
But numbers don't lie and most women end up in OB-GYN, family practice or pediatrics.

#37
It's like a riptide, sweetheart, pulling and pulling,

#38
and you can swim against the current all you want.

#39
But when Mr. Stork comes a-calling,

#40
you're not gonna be thinking, "I'm internal medicine."

#41
It's gonna be, "Ohhh! Look at the baby!"

#42
Sir, I have to say, I'm offended.

#43
Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right.

#46
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#47
Newbie, stay.

#48
Oh, what a good boy you are.

#49
Dear God, Judy, how much product do you use?

#50
None. It's like this when I wake up.

#51
Yeah, quick tip, there, sports star.

#52
When you're defensive about your feminine side,

#53
it just makes you seem more girly.

#54
- You want something? - Easy.

#55
Nobody likes a cranky punching bag.

#56
And yes, it's about a patient. Pretty good friend of mine.

#58
Huh!

#59
Randy, Jackie, what do you say?

#60
This is the monkey I got to videotape the birth.

#61
I hate him.

#66
['50s rock'n'roll piano]

#67
Hey, everybody!

#68
Heyyy.

#69
I'm sorry, it's been two weeks,

#70
and your son shows no neurological improvement.

#71
[groan]

#72
It was a miracle! First of all, the man was damn near dead.

#73
- Then he comes out. - You're ridiculous.

#74
I'm telling you it was a miracle.

#75
- It was not a miracle. - Yes, it was. Dude...

#76
I kind of envy Turk.

#79
So you think God was responsible for his recovery?

#80
- Uh-huh. - That's fine.

#81
We all have our beliefs.

#82
I carry around this tiny little Monopoly piece for good luck.

#83
Did you just compare my Lord and Savior to a tiny top hat?

#84
He did, I heard him, baby. Go get him.

#85
Excuse me, Nurse Teresa.

#86
Have you ever read the Bible?

#87
I started it.

#88
Then I skipped to the end and it ruined it for me.

#89
That's it. Both of you to the window.

#90
- Let's go. Right now. - [Carla] I'm going.

#91
[Turk] "When they saw the star,

#92
they rejoiced with exceeding great joy."

#93
Matthew, 2:10.

#94
Dude, that's just a Christmas tree in the park.

#95
I understand what you're saying, baby.

#96
Oh, no, please. You can't just jump back on my good side.

#97
You see all of this right here?

#98
And this?

#99
And this?

#100
Consider yourself cut off.

#101
Full love embargo, baby.

#102
- That's not gonna last. - It will last.

#103
- Oh, yeah? - It's gonna last.

#104
What if I came up to you, all tired,

#105
and I just... I had to yawn...?

#106
Damn!

#107
- How pathetic is that? - Do it again.

#108
Please.

#109
Oh, this is from last night.

#110
The Christmas tree over at Miller Park.

#111
God, I love that tree. It's so beautiful, isn't it?

#112
- I've been there almost... - Listen, Meredith.

#113
You're pregnant. Pretty far along, actually.

#114
What? That's not possible.

#115
What am I supposed to do?

#116
"Ohhh! Look at the baby!"

#117
Um, babies aren't really my thing,

#118
so I'm just gonna go get you someone else to talk to.

#119
Oh, come on, it's great to see you guys again.

#120
Really, all three of you.

#121
What is it with friends wanting to be in your life?

#122
Selfish is what it is.

#123
I thought I got Randy and Jackie in the divorce.

#126
Banana hammock!

#127
I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

#128
You should have seen him when he was a new intern.

#129
"I. Don't. Want. To. Be. A. Doctor."

#130
You know, I think we all know that's just not true.

#131
I'm assuming, since you already took everything else,

#132
that you're here for my self-respect,

#133
but there's bad news on that one, sweetcheeks.

#134
I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you.

#135
I wouldn't have room for it,

#136
what with your testicles in my trophy case.

#137
Holy cow.

#138
Who's better? You got me by the short hairs.

#139
See ya.

#140
What do you hate most about the holidays?

#141
- Wrapping presents. You? - My family.

#142
I don't know how anyone can get in the spirit around here.

#143
Come on, guys. All the spirit you need is right here.

#144
Can I get a amen?

#146
Congregation, I said, can I get a amen?

#147
[all] Amen!

#148
'Tis the season of givin', y'all.

#149
What better place to give than right here at Sacred Heart?

#150
[all] Yeah, that's right.

#151
Lovest thou me,

#152
then feed my sheep!

#153
That's right.

#154
Right here, at Sacred Heart,

#155
we are not only gonna feed his sheep...

#156
[woman] Woo! That's right.

#157
...but we gonna clothe them.

#158
- And we gonna bathe them. - [all] Bathe them!

#159
And we gonna cut 'em open.

#160
Then we gonna stitch 'em right back together.

#161
[Turk] Because that's what

#162
Christmaaaaas....

#163
...is all about.

#164
That's right! Preach, preach!

#165
What's the name of the song we're singing today?

#169
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#170
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#171
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#172
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#173
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#174
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#175
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#176
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#177
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#178
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#179
♪ Let us adore! ♪

#181
♪ [choir] Christ the Lord ♪

#183
Right, listen.

#184
I'm on call tonight.

#185
But tomorrow morning, when I get home,

#186
we're going to Mass before work, okay?

#187
Okay, sweetie.

#189
Ooh, hey, candy!

#190
I was trying to, uh...

#191
I know exactly what you're trying to do, but...

#192
you're not gonna break my Christmas spirit. You can't.

#193
Not ever. I'm the Holly Jolly Janitor.

#194
Hi, little girl. What do you want for...?

#195
[groans]

#196
I know you must be busy.

#197
It's really nice of you to offer to do this.

#198
Oh, it's no problem.

#203
Hi, doctor.

#204
You'll fart, pee, puke and poop

#205
in front of ten complete strangers

#206
who'll be staring intently at your vagina,

#207
which, by the way, has an 80% chance of tearing.

#208
You do it.

#211
[baby cries]

#212
Oh! Look at the baby!

#213
It's a bouncing baby boy.

#214
Yet another soldier in the fight against Communism!

#215
[1950s music]

#216
Where's the girl that was in here?

#217
I just make beds.

#218
I got Meredith Fox's blood work back. She's got HELLP syndrome.

#219
She needs to deliver immediately so let's get...

#220
What do you mean she just left?

#221
Get me any contact numbers.

#222
- Why did she leave? - Again.

#223
Bed-maker.

#224
Newbie, I always punch the tabs out of my tapes

#225
so there's no possible way they can be recorded over.

#226
So, puh-lease tell me

#227
you didn't use the tape that was already in the camera.

#228
Banana hammock.

#229
So, in other words,

#230
there is no permanent historical record

#231
of the birth of my friend's baby?

#232
Well, I-I think that the baby itself

#233
would serve as proof that it was, you know...

#234
...born.

#235
You don't understand what you've done.

#236
My ex-wife is gonna hold this over my head for so long

#237
that I doubt I'll ever see the sun again.

#238
And I liked the sun, newbie.

#239
It made me hopeful.

#240
Well, I was there.

#241
I could certainly jot down some of my...

#242
...feelings and impressions.

#243
If he was really mad at me,

#246
No, do not do that again.

#247
That's a bad newbie.

#248
Oh, bad. Oh, bad.

#249
Bad.

#255
I can't believe I'm wearing a suit at 6.30 in the morning.

#256
If you ruin this for Turk, I'll hurt you.

#257
Noted.

#258
Hey. You better hurry up.

#259
Mass starts in 15 minutes.

#260
- I'm not going. - Great. Can I go back to bed?

#261
I'm kidding. Let's do it. I wanna get me some of them church crackers.

#262
No, I'm not going.

#263
Ever.

#264
Baby, what happened?

#265
Turk? Turk, come on...

#266
Merry Christmas.

#267
You're overreacting.

#268
A girl said, "What am I gonna do?"

#269
and I said, "Babies aren't my thing."

#270
How could I possibly be too hard on myself?

#272
Look, I'm sure she'll turn up.

#273
That's exactly what's gonna happen. She'll turn up,

#274
she'll have a healthy baby and nothing'll ever happen to either one of them.

#278
I could use a little faith.

#280
You made some interesting choices with the camera, Orson.

#281
- You didn't want any faces? - Excuse me?

#282
I switched the tapes. Just go with it.

#283
Here it comes, I see the head!

#284
- What a gorgeous head of hair. - That's funny.

#285
He was completely bald when he was in here a few minutes ago.

#286
- Yeah, well... - We shaved the baby.

#287
- You shaved the baby? - Shaved it.

#288
Standard procedure. What with the recent outbreak of pre-natal lice.

#289
Yep. Definitely.

#290
Shave and haircut.

#291
Two bits.

#292
Really?

#293
Yeah. I'm not buying it.

#294
You two are gonna go by the nursery and see baby Charlie?

#295
- Absolutely. - Yes.

#296
Charlie and his new haircut.

#297
Have we checked the other hospitals?

#298
They haven't seen her, honey.

#299
Dr. Reid, isn't this your day off?

#300
It's that pregnant girl...

#301
Oh, right. The one who went missing.

#302
And now you're here, voluntarily,

#303
hell bent on finding one of your little lost ducklings.

#304
Dr. Kelso, it's important you understand something.

#305
I'm not interested in babies.

#306
I don't coo around them, I don't melt when I see them,

#307
I don't have a yearning to make them my life's work.

#308
I'm a doctor who's interested in my patients, male or female.

#309
And right now, one of them needs help.

#310
God! Do I know women.

#311
I don't get it. Why are we on the roof?

#312
I wanted to show you that no matter how ugly things can get down there,

#313
there's still a lot of beauty up here.

#314
Is that... gum or pigeon crap on my sneaker?

#315
Come on, look around.

#316
There's nobody here, no one can see us.

#317
We could do whatever we wanted.

#318
Like what?

#319
Okay, how are you not getting this?

#320
Oh, you mean have relations.

#321
You wanna have relations right here on the roof.

#322
These pebbles are gonna make my ass look like a chocolate chocolate chip.

#323
I can make you see God again, or at least call out his name.

#324
Is this a joke to you?

#325
No, I'm just trying to help you feel better.

#326
- You don't know how I feel. - Well, then tell me.

#327
I feel abandoned!

#328
All my life, I've believed that God listens to our prayers,

#329
and that he cares for us and that he watches over us.

#330
Last night, so many people needed to be watched over.

#331
How am I supposed to believe in someone that's gonna let innocent people suffer?

#332
Huh? Answer me, please.

#333
I can't.

#334
Did you see baby Charlie yet?

#335
Oh, yeah, I was just planning on doing that. Never.

#336
You're such a special friend.

#337
Oh, gosh, Marjorie, aren't you sassy today?

#338
Did Santa finally bring you that Y chromosome you always wanted?

#339
What's your problem, anyway?

#340
Well, for starters, I hate Christmas.

#341
I don't like bambersnoodles, I loathe dinkerwallows,

#342
I hate snagtumgopers,

#343
I say, do you follow?

#344
Do you think I'm a moron?

#345
Newbie, don't answer that question.

#346
- It's a trick, that's a trick. - Oh, pre-natal lice?

#347
You do realize that would be lice in the womb?

#348
I've seen them, they're real and they're gross.

#350
Whatever it was, I told on him.

#351
Plus, he didn't even go see baby Charlie yet.

#354
was suddenly focused on me.

#355
Excuse me, Sally Sensitive, I don't remember asking you anything.

#356
Your mom's aware she'll eventually have to stop breast-feeding, right?

#357
Hoo! Good Jordan, good.

#358
Now work the body, work the body, under the ribs.

#359
I'm not gonna see that baby either.

#360
Are you gonna tattle on me? Are you? Are you?

#361
- I'm frightened. - J.D., do you have a second?

#362
- Oh, God, yes. - That's right. Run away.

#363
I spoke to a 911 operator who got a call from a girl in labor,

#364
but they lost the signal. I don't know what to do.

#367
You'll be okay. Okay?

#368
You'll be okay.

#369
Babies are amazing.

#371
So, baby Charlie is the bald one?

#372
Yeah. He wouldn't be smiling so much if he knew how ugly his parents were.

#373
- You're a sexy bitch. - Thanks.

#375
What up, little dawg?

#377
you didn't even know was there.

#378
Ohh! Look at the baby!

#380
How did you know she was here?

#381
I don't know, I just knew.

#383
Miracles do happen.

#385
[Turk] Merry Christmas, guys.

#386
God bless us, every one.

#387
Dude, you could not be a bigger dork.

#388
You're so lame.

#389
That was so cheesy.

#390
Really? 'Cause I felt like it was... right.

#391
Hey, wait up!

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