Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S08E09 — The Gang Dines Out

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 8, Episode 9 — The Gang Dines Out

#1
Pretty crowded tonight, huh?

#2
Yeah, well, it's Gugino's, you know, best restaurant in Philadelphia.

#3
To our monthly dinner.

#4
Oh, monthly dinner, baby.

#5
I tell you, I've been looking forward to this for... 29 days!

#6
Me, too.

#7
I did my hair good, and I wore two colognes.

#8
Is that what that is?

#9
Mm.

#10
That was an interesting choice, but I get it, dude.

#11
You're excited.

#12
You are excited about tonight.

#13
Hey, hell, I'm excited tonight, you know?

#14
Not terribly excited about being near the kitchen, though.

#15
Really? It's where the action is.

#16
Maybe we'll get lucky and watch one of these dumb-ass waiters

#17
spill spaghetti sauce all over himself.

#18
And fall down or something.

#19
Okay, all right.

#20
Well, let's not be childish.

#21
Let's-let's keep it classy.

#22
You know, let's... Classy.

#23
I can do classy.

#24
I can be classy.

#25
Did you invite Frank and Charlie?

#26
No, I didn't.

#27
Hi.

#28
Hi.

#29
How many will you guys be?

#30
Two. And give us a nice table.

#31
This is a big night for us.

#32
We're celebrating our anniversary.

#33
Or the anniversary of us moving in together, which is like an

#34
anniver... it's been a long time.

#35
Anniversary is what it is, really.

#36
Well, great.

#37
Uh... oh, okay, oh, okay, uh... You can just hand that to me.

#38
I was trying to feel your breast.

#39
I got that.

#40
Yeah, but he was trying to feel your breast and give you

#41
the tip so that we got a good table.

#42
I want a good table.

#43
Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey!

#44
Mac and Dennis are here.

#45
Should we sit with them?

#46
Really?

#47
Mm, Charlie, this is our night.

#48
Yeah, but we could all celebrate it together.

#49
That'd be fun.

#50
We can do our thing.

#51
They can do their thing.

#52
I'm sure at some point they'll come over to pay tribute.

#53
We can say hi to them then.

#54
That's weird.

#55
I know Charlie sees me, but they seem to be sitting at their own table.

#56
Well, good.

#57
Good, they should sit at their own table.

#58
Look, I'm sure at some point they'll come over and they'll pay tribute to us.

#59
They know it's our monthly dinner.

#60
We can say hi to them then.

#61
Yeah, still, seems kind of awkward, though.

#62
No. Look, we spend every waking minute together.

#63
It will be good for us to keep our distance for once.

#64
It's one minor coincidence.

#65
Doesn't go any further than that.

#66
Goddamn it.

#67
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#68
Of all the goddamn nights.

#69
Can't believe they haven't come over to pay me tribute yet.

#70
I was here first.

#71
I know they see me.

#72
They're probably over there right now making fun of me.

#73
I get it, guys.

#74
You know what they're doing?

#75
They're calling me "Scarecrow."

#76
'Cause I'm all alone in the cornfields, scaring away the other birds.

#77
Real funny.

#78
You know what?

#79
There's no shame in a woman, an adult woman, taking herself out

#80
to dinner, enjoying her own company... I'm not gonna leave.

#81
I'm not gonna leave because I don't have to, and also I can't

#82
because I have a Groupon for this evening that expires tonight.

#83
It does expire tonight, doesn't it?

#84
Uh, yeah.

#85
I... Yes, it does.

#86
I'm sorry.

#87
Are you going to order now?

#88
Well, I'm trying to have a conversation with you.

#89
Why don't you sit down for a little while?

#90
Take a break.

#91
Oh! Are you almost off?

#92
Are you off soon?

#93
Should you sit and have dinner with me tonight?

#94
No, got a long shift.

#95
Uh, I cannot do that.

#96
Uh, maybe I could at least get a drink order?

#97
We're really busy tonight.

#98
Does the Groupon cover drinks?

#99
Nope.

#100
Just the tap water, then.

#101
I can't believe this.

#102
They still haven't paid tribute.

#103
It's been ten minutes.

#104
Not a wave, not a nod.

#105
Have you seen them do anything to acknowledge us?

#106
I thought we agreed that we would not let it get to us.

#107
It's not getting to me.

#108
It's just, you know, a little bit rude, is all I'm saying.

#109
It's, you know, irritating.

#110
Whatever, I don't care.

#111
I'm... I'm over it.

#112
'Kay.

#113
How good is their table, though?

#114
Oh, um... Don't-don't look directly at them.

#115
Jesus Christ, just, you know, glance around the room a little

#116
bit, and just, you know, land on them.

#117
Glance around the room?

#118
Yeah.

#119
Too obvious!

#120
Well, how do you want me to look at them?

#121
With your eyes, just look with your eyes.

#122
Be subtle, be small.

#123
My eyes, they slant down.

#124
I don't have a good peripheral.

#125
Okay, can you just be subtle?

#126
It's a good table.

#127
It's a good table.

#128
How'd they get a better table than us?

#129
Uh, I don't know.

#130
Dennis, can we just focus on us?

#131
Yeah.

#132
It's our monthly dinner, all right?

#133
Don't let them ruin it.

#134
Okay?

#135
I have some issues that I want to talk to you... Aw, shit. Really?

#136
No, I... Look, let's-let's keep things light; I don't want to get all heavy.

#137
Let's not let tonight become more unpleasant than it's already become, okay?

#138
I mean, already I'm irritated.

#139
I'm... I'm already sitting in the wobbliest chair in the entire restaurant.

#140
All right, well, we'll just ask the waiter for a book of matches.

#141
I don't want to sit on a pile of matches.

#142
Look, I'll just scoot back.

#143
It's fine. It's fine.

#144
Oh, but now I feel like... you're sitting so far away from me.

#145
It's gonna be fine!

#146
This is a perfectly suitable distance for us to have our monthly dinner.

#147
Goddamn it.

#148
I am so sorry.

#149
Are you?!

#150
His chair's wobbly.

#151
Oh, okay.

#152
Let me get you a book of matches to put under there.

#153
I don't want to sit on a pile of matches.

#154
Dennis, it's not like your chair's gonna catch on fire.

#155
Oh, Christ, I'm not worried about my chair catching on fire.

#156
Look, sir, can you just get us a better table in general?

#157
Unfortunately, no.

#158
We're fully booked tonight due to a Groupon deal.

#159
Oh, that sounds excellent.

#160
We'll have one of those.

#161
No, we won't.

#162
We don't need a coupon.

#163
Frankly, I'm disappointed in you people.

#164
This is Gugino's.

#165
You're supposed to be the nicest restaurant in Philadelphia.

#166
Here I am, a regular, a full-paying customer, and I'm sat by the kitchen on the

#167
wobbliest chair in Philadelphia.

#168
You know, forced to eat dinner with this swarm of coupon-waving trash.

#169
This is crazy!

#170
You know what?

#171
Forget it, doesn't matter.

#172
Get me a pile of matches to sit on... that'll be fine.

#173
Okay.

#174
No, wait, wait, wait.

#175
There's more.

#176
There's an old, short, fat man here.

#177
He's sat with his young sleeping partner.

#178
Bring them a glass of the house red from us.

#179
Of course.

#180
Although the table did just order cocktails, so maybe...

#181
I don't need their entire life story.

#182
Just go get the wine.

#183
Well, that was a nice gesture.

#184
Was it?

#185
Charlie.

#186
Hmm?

#187
Stop looking over there.

#188
Can we just go over and say a quick hello, all right?

#189
Then it's done with.

#190
There's no more awkwardness.

#191
Charlie, I am the oldest one in the group.

#192
If anybody's gonna say a quick hello, it's them to me.

#193
I just feel like it's gonna become a bigger deal than it needs to be, you know?

#194
Then forget it.

#195
Yeah?

#196
This is our night, Charlie.

#197
All right.

#198
Listen. I prepared a few words for the evening.

#199
All right?

#200
Okay.

#201
All right.

#202
Charlie, I want to talk about where we are.

#203
Where we've been.

#204
And where we're going to be.

#205
Where are we going?

#206
Don't interrupt.

#207
Living with you has... changed my life.

#208
I-I used to be unaware... Hi, sorry to bother you.

#209
What are you doing, man?

#210
I'm in the middle of something here.

#211
Get out of here!

#212
Of course.

#213
I just wanted to deliver a glass of our house red from the two

#214
gentlemen near the kitchen.

#215
Beat it.

#216
Well, great.

#217
See, there's your tribute, Frank.

#218
Awesome.

#219
Now can we go over and say a quick hello?

#220
No, no.

#221
I'm in the middle of saying some words to you.

#222
Yeah, but you said 'em, and they were weird, like... All right, you know what?

#223
How about I just stand and I bow?

#224
No. Ignore them.

#225
This is ridiculous.

#226
I mean, that was a very nice gesture.

#227
Was it?

#228
One glass of wine for two people, and house red?

#229
That wasn't nice.

#230
They're just trying to agitate us.

#231
Mm.

#232
Well, two can play at that game.

#233
Hey.

#234
Ooh, hey!

#235
You, help.

#236
Over here.

#237
Me?

#238
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you, please.

#239
Help. Help me.

#240
Sit, sit, please sit.

#241
Help.

#242
Is everything okay?

#243
No, everything's not okay.

#244
There are men here, and they're watching me.

#245
Oh, shit!

#246
Shh!

#247
Just look at me, just look right at me.

#248
Everything's gonna be fine, but I'm in a lot of shit. Okay?

#249
So I need your help.

#250
Oh, good.

#251
You have a friend.

#252
Hi.

#253
Can I take your order now?

#254
Yes.

#255
I'm not with her.

#256
There is some shit going down right now.

#257
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

#258
He's just...

#259
Please, let's order.

#260
Look, you told me you was in trouble.

#261
I don't know what's happening here.

#262
No, it's okay, I'm fine.

#263
Do you want to split an appetizer?

#264
No, I don't need this shit.

#265
Well... oh.

#266
You know, if you just order, we can get your food out really

#267
quickly, and you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about being

#268
here alone for very long.

#269
All right?

#270
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

#271
I-I'm gonna go ahead and order when I'm goddamn good and ready to order.

#272
Is that table having a meal consisting only of loud noise,

#273
screams, and hollers?

#274
Uh, they seem to be celebrating something.

#275
Ooh, could be a tactical victory.

#276
What do you think?

#277
Sure.

#278
Whoo!

#279
Okay, how's the chair now?

#280
Still wobbly.

#281
Why don't you just get me a new chair?

#282
I don't think it's the chair.

#283
You don't think it's the chair?

#284
Well, maybe my old pal, uh, Abraham Lincoln begs to differ.

#285
Oh, okay, yeah, uh... You can just hand it to me.

#286
Hello.

#287
Your waiter.

#288
Great.

#289
Hi.

#290
Can you get him a new chair?

#291
Sure.

#292
Oh, oh!

#293
Maybe this George Washington will make it come here faster.

#294
Okay.

#295
This wine is for you.

#296
Ah, management sent us a bottle to accommodate us.

#297
Actually, it was your friends over at the other table.

#298
And they wanted me to relay to you that it's our most expensive bottle.

#299
They said to say that.

#300
That's a classy move.

#301
I'm gonna stand up and bow.

#302
No. Do not stand and bow.

#303
Let me think.

#304
We've got to do something in return.

#305
Mm-hmm.

#306
I'll tell you what.

#307
We'll send it back.

#308
You know?

#309
We'll say, we don't want that.

#310
You know? We'll-we'll tell them that, uh, what is it, Chilean

#311
wine is out of season, and that their taste in wine in general is very poor.

#312
No, that's... we got to be more subtle than that.

#313
I don't want them to know that we're thinking about them.

#314
What are you doing?

#315
What are you doing?

#316
Are you staring at them?

#317
Yeah, dude, Charlie's looking right at me.

#318
Stop it.

#319
Dude, stop it.

#320
Okay, stop looking, stop... All right, you know what, goddamn it?

#321
I'm just gonna pour the wine out.

#322
Goddamn it!

#323
That son of a bitch is pouring out my wine.

#324
Look... can you just let it go, Frank?

#325
Okay?

#326
You're ruining this night for me, okay?

#327
I-I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason for pouring out a glass of wine.

#328
I want to go over there.

#329
Yeah.

#330
Yeah, yeah.

#331
Just like he had a perfectly good reason for not inviting you to dinner.

#332
He had a good... Wait.

#333
What do you mean by that?

#334
Don't make me say it, Charlie.

#335
I know you're not as dumb as you seem.

#336
Well, let's just say that I am.

#337
Those two guys don't give a shit about you, Charlie.

#338
You bought a business together;

#339
they made you a janitor.

#340
Eh, they didn't make me a janitor; there was a... Mm?

#341
Oh, my God.

#342
It's time to fire back.

#343
Aw, I gotta get over there.

#344
Hi, ma'am. Sorry to bug you again.

#345
Oh, my God.

#346
I'll just take a plate of spaghetti.

#347
Oh, great.

#348
Didn't expect that.

#349
Uh, actually, I was coming over to see if I could take your chair.

#350
What? No.

#351
What for?

#352
I'm trying to accommodate that gentleman over there.

#353
Oh, goddamn it.

#354
Uh, that's a dig.

#355
All right, fine.

#356
Take the chair, but I tell you what, when you're over there?

#357
Tie his shoelaces together.

#358
You want me to... tie a customer's shoelaces together?

#359
Uh... Look, I'm in the biz, guy.

#360
I'm a waitress, okay?

#361
Look, let's team up and stick it to that guy.

#362
It'll be hilarious.

#363
I would lose my job.

#364
Uh...

#365
"Oh, no, I-I would lose my job.

#366
And I wouldn't be able to work at Gugino's anymore, and my

#367
family, and they'd be so disappointed 'cause they're currently so proud of my

#368
accomplishments."

#369
I mean, God, lighten up, guy.

#370
I'm gonna take the chair.

#371
Fine, take the goddamn chair.

#372
Just don't make a big scene.

#373
How's the new chair?

#374
Oh, it's terrible, Mac.

#375
Thank you for asking.

#376
It might be worse than the first one.

#377
I mean, I cannot find a single flat spot in this entire restaurant.

#378
Maybe that's it. I'm just... Goddamn it!

#379
This entire night is ruined.

#380
Dude, stop it!

#381
Okay?

#382
You're the one who's ruining this.

#383
I am enjoying myself.

#384
I'm enjoying our table.

#385
I'm trying to start the conversations.

#386
I wore two colognes.

#387
Oh, I'm very aware of how much cologne you're wearing, Mac.

#388
It's overwhelming me.

#389
I mean, every time the goddamn kitchen door opens, it wafts into my face.

#390
Hey, I like the way I smell.

#391
And I like me.

#392
And I haven't even gotten to talk about what I wanted to talk

#393
about, which is an issue that has been weighing on me, so I'm

#394
just gonna say it, okay?

#395
When I wanted to get the karaoke machine for our apartment, you

#396
laughed in my face.

#397
That's what this is about?

#398
Yes.

#399
The karaoke machine?

#400
Mac, you can't sing.

#401
It's not about singing!

#402
Okay?

#403
It's about you always putting me down, and... you know what?

#404
I don't care; it doesn't matter.

#405
I'm out of here.

#406
Where you going?

#407
I'm gonna go sit with Frank and Charlie.

#408
Do not go to them.

#409
No, sit down, sit.

#410
Sit!

#411
Say something nice to me.

#412
What?

#413
I'm not going to sit down until you say something nice to

#414
me for once in your life.

#415
Your hair looks small.

#416
Oh, for... Okay, okay, okay, man.

#417
All right, sit down, sit down.

#418
Sit.

#419
Please sit down.

#420
Okay, listen, listen.

#421
You remember that night at Dooley's pool party?

#422
On that fine summer eve, when I did that double jackknife twist

#423
and blew everybody's tits off?

#424
You remember that?

#425
And then I went down on Chrissie Orlando on the trampoline later that night?

#426
You're just complimenting yourself.

#427
No, listen, I'm going somewhere with this.

#428
The only reason I was even able to attempt that amazing feat of

#429
courage was... because I knew if I failed, you would...

#430
Everybody.

#431
Hello!

#432
All the patrons of Gugino's, listen up.

#433
Hi, everybody.

#434
Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly.

#435
We would like to make a toast.

#436
Now, in front of you, you each see, you have a glass of sambuca?

#437
You see this white, beautiful drink?

#438
Yeah. Okay, everyone got it?

#439
Yeah.

#440
Dude, everybody has sambuca but us.

#441
Now we have an American hero tonight, so quick round of

#442
applause for our troop here.

#443
Nice-looking fellow.

#444
And to anyone who does not have a glass of sambuca... Look around now.

#445
You'll see them.

#446
Those people refuse to drink.

#447
Yeah. They don't know how to pay tribute.

#448
They hate America!

#449
They hate the troops.

#450
Mm.

#451
They hate the people who work hardest for them.

#452
They turn them into janitors.

#453
Mm, mm.

#454
It's not right. Aah!

#455
Damn 'em to hell.

#456
To the troops!

#457
To the troops.

#458
Cheers.

#459
To America!

#460
Good job, fellas.

#461
We did it.

#462
This is unbelievable, Mac.

#463
You know, and they totally ruined our heartfelt moment.

#464
Now, there's a way we can get it back... if you just kind of jump...

#465
No, you fool!

#466
That time has passed.

#467
Can't you see they're humiliating us?

#468
Just tell me what you were gonna tell me.

#469
I'm not gonna stand for this.

#470
I'm not.

#471
Just, Dennis... Come on, man!

#472
Goddamn it!

#473
Ma'am?

#474
Uh-huh.

#475
Please return to your table?

#476
Oh, you know what?

#477
I'm gonna sit next to the hero.

#478
I used to date a troop.

#479
He was crazy for jean shorts.

#480
Attention, uh, attention, everyone, please.

#481
If I could have your attention momentarily. Thank you.

#482
We do have an American hero in the house tonight.

#483
A strong man, a brave man.

#484
He's the kind of man who knows exactly who he is.

#485
He doesn't hide under a toupee.

#486
He faces his challenges, instead of just retreating to the

#487
sewers... nude to forage for rings and coins.

#488
Or to the toilets.

#489
Or to a life filled with rats.

#490
He's the kind of man who gives me the courage to do an amazing

#491
double jackknife twist, which I did.

#492
Most of you people wouldn't even attempt that.

#493
I did it.

#494
And to go down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later,

#495
on the very same night, which I also did.

#496
And I licked her asshole a little bit.

#497
It was pretty good.

#498
It was all right.

#499
It wasn't great.

#500
But it was fine.

#501
And I knew that it was gonna be fine because this guy would be

#502
here to catch me if I faltered.

#503
Yeah. The world is a safer place when he's around.

#504
* Did you ever know That you're my hero?

#505
'Cause you are the wind Beneath my wings. *

#506
Thank you.

#507
Thanks.

#508
Thank you.

#509
Wow, dude.

#510
I mean, that was so touching.

#511
Oh.

#512
That's an amazing thing you said about the troop.

#513
Now, can we get back to the karaoke machine?

#514
Because I... I was talking about you.

#515
That was about me?

#516
Yes. He wasn't there when I went down on Chrissy Orlando.

#517
I did not get that at all.

#518
I'm sor... Dennis, that's really sweet.

#519
Thank you.

#520
I'm sorry. What's happening?

#521
Is it freezing in here all of a sudden?

#522
Yeah, and it's... freezing.

#523
Air is blowing directly on us. What...?

#524
I mean, what is happening?

#525
Those goddamn sons of bitches.

#526
They turned up the A/C.

#527
Because they knew we were sitting right underneath a vent.

#528
And they're trying to freeze us out.

#529
I didn't have your back before, but now I'm gonna be the wind

#530
beneath your wings.

#531
I'm gonna smash this over their goddamn heads.

#532
Yes, Mac. Yes! Yes!

#533
I'm gonna blast 'em with this fire extinguisher.

#534
Okay, I'll toss hot soup in their faces.

#535
I'll pinch their dicks with this lobster.

#536
Let's do it.

#537
What are you people doing?

#538
Excuse me. Excuse me.

#539
What are you people doing?

#540
Son a bitch!

#541
Hey, his shoelaces are tied together.

#542
What?

#543
Oh, my God!

#544
Somebody tied his shoelaces together.

#545
His shoes are tied.

#546
Spaghetti-O, the waiter.

#547
I've wanted to see that all night long.

#548
Yes. Yes. Oh, my God, who do we have to thank for this?

#549
Who?

#550
Oops.

#551
Deandra did it?

#552
Oh! Dee did it! It was Dee.

#553
Dee.

#554
Have you been here this entire time?

#555
Yeah, the whole time.

#556
Oh, great job, Dee.

#557
Great job.

#558
Oh, Dee.

#559
Hey, clash. Salud, huh?

#560
Salud.

#561
Guys? Guys, I'm really hurt.

#562
Back at the table!

#563
I want to hear some jokes out of you tonight.

#564
You want to try this coat on?

#565
It's gotta look good on you, dude. Put that hat on.

#566
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#567
Of all the goddamn nights.

#568
Can't believe they haven't come over to pay me tribute yet.

#569
I was here first.

#570
I know they see me.

#571
They're probably over there right now making fun of me.

#572
I get it, guys.

#573
You know what they're doing?

#574
They're calling me "Scarecrow."

#576
Real funny.

#577
You know what?

#578
There's no shame in a woman, an adult woman, taking herself out

#579
to dinner, enjoying her own company... I'm not gonna leave.

#580
I'm not gonna leave because I don't have to, and also I can't

#581
because I have a Groupon for this evening that expires tonight.

#582
It does expire tonight, doesn't it?

#583
Uh, yeah.

#584
I... Yes, it does.

#586
Are you going to order now?

#587
Well, I'm trying to have a conversation with you.

#588
Why don't you sit down for a little while?

#589
Take a break.

#590
Oh! Are you almost off?

#591
Are you off soon?

#592
Should you sit and have dinner with me tonight?

#593
No, got a long shift.

#594
Uh, I cannot do that.

#596
We're really busy tonight.

#598
Nope.

#599
Just the tap water, then.

#600
I can't believe this.

#601
They still haven't paid tribute.

#602
It's been ten minutes.

#603
Not a wave, not a nod.

#605
I thought we agreed that we would not let it get to us.

#606
It's not getting to me.

#607
It's just, you know, a little bit rude, is all I'm saying.

#608
It's, you know, irritating.

#609
Whatever, I don't care.

#610
I'm... I'm over it.

#614
Jesus Christ, just, you know, glance around the room a little

#615
bit, and just, you know, land on them.

#616
Glance around the room?

#617
Yeah.

#618
Too obvious!

#619
Well, how do you want me to look at them?

#621
Be subtle, be small.

#622
My eyes, they slant down.

#623
I don't have a good peripheral.

#625
It's a good table.

#626
It's a good table.

#627
How'd they get a better table than us?

#629
Dennis, can we just focus on us?

#630
Yeah.

#631
It's our monthly dinner, all right?

#632
Don't let them ruin it.

#633
Okay?

#635
No, I... Look, let's-let's keep things light; I don't want to get all heavy.

#636
Let's not let tonight become more unpleasant than it's already become, okay?

#637
I mean, already I'm irritated.

#638
I'm... I'm already sitting in the wobbliest chair in the entire restaurant.

#640
I don't want to sit on a pile of matches.

#641
Look, I'll just scoot back.

#642
It's fine. It's fine.

#643
Oh, but now I feel like... you're sitting so far away from me.

#644
It's gonna be fine!

#645
This is a perfectly suitable distance for us to have our monthly dinner.

#646
Goddamn it.

#647
I am so sorry.

#648
Are you?!

#649
His chair's wobbly.

#650
Oh, okay.

#651
Let me get you a book of matches to put under there.

#652
I don't want to sit on a pile of matches.

#653
Dennis, it's not like your chair's gonna catch on fire.

#654
Oh, Christ, I'm not worried about my chair catching on fire.

#656
Unfortunately, no.

#657
We're fully booked tonight due to a Groupon deal.

#658
Oh, that sounds excellent.

#659
We'll have one of those.

#660
No, we won't.

#661
We don't need a coupon.

#662
Frankly, I'm disappointed in you people.

#663
This is Gugino's.

#665
Here I am, a regular, a full-paying customer, and I'm sat by the kitchen on the

#666
wobbliest chair in Philadelphia.

#667
You know, forced to eat dinner with this swarm of coupon-waving trash.

#668
This is crazy!

#669
You know what?

#670
Forget it, doesn't matter.

#672
Okay.

#673
No, wait, wait, wait.

#674
There's more.

#675
There's an old, short, fat man here.

#677
Bring them a glass of the house red from us.

#678
Of course.

#679
Although the table did just order cocktails, so maybe...

#680
I don't need their entire life story.

#681
Just go get the wine.

#682
Well, that was a nice gesture.

#683
Was it?

#684
Charlie.

#685
Hmm?

#686
Stop looking over there.

#688
Then it's done with.

#689
There's no more awkwardness.

#690
Charlie, I am the oldest one in the group.

#691
If anybody's gonna say a quick hello, it's them to me.

#692
I just feel like it's gonna become a bigger deal than it needs to be, you know?

#693
Then forget it.

#694
Yeah?

#696
All right.

#697
Listen. I prepared a few words for the evening.

#698
All right?

#699
Okay.

#700
All right.

#701
Charlie, I want to talk about where we are.

#702
Where we've been.

#703
And where we're going to be.

#704
Where are we going?

#705
Don't interrupt.

#707
I-I used to be unaware... Hi, sorry to bother you.

#708
What are you doing, man?

#709
I'm in the middle of something here.

#710
Get out of here!

#711
Of course.

#713
gentlemen near the kitchen.

#714
Beat it.

#715
Well, great.

#716
See, there's your tribute, Frank.

#717
Awesome.

#718
Now can we go over and say a quick hello?

#719
No, no.

#720
I'm in the middle of saying some words to you.

#723
No. Ignore them.

#724
This is ridiculous.

#725
I mean, that was a very nice gesture.

#726
Was it?

#727
One glass of wine for two people, and house red?

#728
That wasn't nice.

#729
They're just trying to agitate us.

#730
Mm.

#731
Well, two can play at that game.

#732
Hey.

#733
Ooh, hey!

#734
You, help.

#736
Me?

#737
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you, please.

#738
Help. Help me.

#739
Sit, sit, please sit.

#740
Help.

#741
Is everything okay?

#742
No, everything's not okay.

#743
There are men here, and they're watching me.

#744
Oh, shit!

#745
Shh!

#746
Just look at me, just look right at me.

#747
Everything's gonna be fine, but I'm in a lot of shit. Okay?

#748
So I need your help.

#749
Oh, good.

#750
You have a friend.

#751
Hi.

#752
Can I take your order now?

#753
Yes.

#754
I'm not with her.

#755
There is some shit going down right now.

#756
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

#757
He's just...

#758
Please, let's order.

#759
Look, you told me you was in trouble.

#760
I don't know what's happening here.

#761
No, it's okay, I'm fine.

#762
Do you want to split an appetizer?

#763
No, I don't need this shit.

#764
Well... oh.

#765
You know, if you just order, we can get your food out really

#766
quickly, and you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about being

#767
here alone for very long.

#768
All right?

#769
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

#770
I-I'm gonna go ahead and order when I'm goddamn good and ready to order.

#771
Is that table having a meal consisting only of loud noise,

#772
screams, and hollers?

#773
Uh, they seem to be celebrating something.

#774
Ooh, could be a tactical victory.

#775
What do you think?

#776
Sure.

#777
Whoo!

#778
Okay, how's the chair now?

#779
Still wobbly.

#780
Why don't you just get me a new chair?

#781
I don't think it's the chair.

#782
You don't think it's the chair?

#783
Well, maybe my old pal, uh, Abraham Lincoln begs to differ.

#784
Oh, okay, yeah, uh... You can just hand it to me.

#785
Hello.

#786
Your waiter.

#787
Great.

#788
Hi.

#789
Can you get him a new chair?

#790
Sure.

#791
Oh, oh!

#792
Maybe this George Washington will make it come here faster.

#793
Okay.

#794
This wine is for you.

#795
Ah, management sent us a bottle to accommodate us.

#796
Actually, it was your friends over at the other table.

#797
And they wanted me to relay to you that it's our most expensive bottle.

#798
They said to say that.

#799
That's a classy move.

#800
I'm gonna stand up and bow.

#801
No. Do not stand and bow.

#802
Let me think.

#803
We've got to do something in return.

#804
Mm-hmm.

#805
I'll tell you what.

#806
We'll send it back.

#807
You know?

#808
We'll say, we don't want that.

#809
You know? We'll-we'll tell them that, uh, what is it, Chilean

#810
wine is out of season, and that their taste in wine in general is very poor.

#811
No, that's... we got to be more subtle than that.

#812
I don't want them to know that we're thinking about them.

#813
What are you doing?

#814
What are you doing?

#815
Are you staring at them?

#816
Yeah, dude, Charlie's looking right at me.

#817
Stop it.

#818
Dude, stop it.

#819
Okay, stop looking, stop... All right, you know what, goddamn it?

#820
I'm just gonna pour the wine out.

#821
Goddamn it!

#822
That son of a bitch is pouring out my wine.

#823
Look... can you just let it go, Frank?

#824
Okay?

#825
You're ruining this night for me, okay?

#826
I-I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason for pouring out a glass of wine.

#827
I want to go over there.

#828
Yeah.

#829
Yeah, yeah.

#830
Just like he had a perfectly good reason for not inviting you to dinner.

#831
He had a good... Wait.

#832
What do you mean by that?

#833
Don't make me say it, Charlie.

#834
I know you're not as dumb as you seem.

#835
Well, let's just say that I am.

#836
Those two guys don't give a shit about you, Charlie.

#837
You bought a business together;

#838
they made you a janitor.

#839
Eh, they didn't make me a janitor; there was a... Mm?

#840
Oh, my God.

#841
It's time to fire back.

#842
Aw, I gotta get over there.

#843
Hi, ma'am. Sorry to bug you again.

#844
Oh, my God.

#845
I'll just take a plate of spaghetti.

#846
Oh, great.

#847
Didn't expect that.

#848
Uh, actually, I was coming over to see if I could take your chair.

#849
What? No.

#850
What for?

#851
I'm trying to accommodate that gentleman over there.

#852
Oh, goddamn it.

#853
Uh, that's a dig.

#854
All right, fine.

#855
Take the chair, but I tell you what, when you're over there?

#856
Tie his shoelaces together.

#857
You want me to... tie a customer's shoelaces together?

#858
Uh... Look, I'm in the biz, guy.

#859
I'm a waitress, okay?

#860
Look, let's team up and stick it to that guy.

#861
It'll be hilarious.

#862
I would lose my job.

#863
Uh...

#864
"Oh, no, I-I would lose my job.

#865
And I wouldn't be able to work at Gugino's anymore, and my

#866
family, and they'd be so disappointed 'cause they're currently so proud of my

#867
accomplishments."

#868
I mean, God, lighten up, guy.

#869
I'm gonna take the chair.

#870
Fine, take the goddamn chair.

#871
Just don't make a big scene.

#872
How's the new chair?

#873
Oh, it's terrible, Mac.

#874
Thank you for asking.

#875
It might be worse than the first one.

#876
I mean, I cannot find a single flat spot in this entire restaurant.

#877
Maybe that's it. I'm just... Goddamn it!

#878
This entire night is ruined.

#879
Dude, stop it!

#880
Okay?

#881
You're the one who's ruining this.

#882
I am enjoying myself.

#883
I'm enjoying our table.

#884
I'm trying to start the conversations.

#885
I wore two colognes.

#886
Oh, I'm very aware of how much cologne you're wearing, Mac.

#887
It's overwhelming me.

#888
I mean, every time the goddamn kitchen door opens, it wafts into my face.

#889
Hey, I like the way I smell.

#890
And I like me.

#891
And I haven't even gotten to talk about what I wanted to talk

#892
about, which is an issue that has been weighing on me, so I'm

#893
just gonna say it, okay?

#894
When I wanted to get the karaoke machine for our apartment, you

#895
laughed in my face.

#896
That's what this is about?

#897
Yes.

#898
The karaoke machine?

#899
Mac, you can't sing.

#900
It's not about singing!

#901
Okay?

#902
It's about you always putting me down, and... you know what?

#903
I don't care; it doesn't matter.

#904
I'm out of here.

#905
Where you going?

#906
I'm gonna go sit with Frank and Charlie.

#907
Do not go to them.

#908
No, sit down, sit.

#909
Sit!

#910
Say something nice to me.

#911
What?

#912
I'm not going to sit down until you say something nice to

#913
me for once in your life.

#914
Your hair looks small.

#915
Oh, for... Okay, okay, okay, man.

#916
All right, sit down, sit down.

#917
Sit.

#918
Please sit down.

#919
Okay, listen, listen.

#920
You remember that night at Dooley's pool party?

#921
On that fine summer eve, when I did that double jackknife twist

#922
and blew everybody's tits off?

#923
You remember that?

#924
And then I went down on Chrissie Orlando on the trampoline later that night?

#925
You're just complimenting yourself.

#926
No, listen, I'm going somewhere with this.

#927
The only reason I was even able to attempt that amazing feat of

#928
courage was... because I knew if I failed, you would...

#929
Everybody.

#930
Hello!

#931
All the patrons of Gugino's, listen up.

#932
Hi, everybody.

#933
Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly.

#934
We would like to make a toast.

#935
Now, in front of you, you each see, you have a glass of sambuca?

#936
You see this white, beautiful drink?

#937
Yeah. Okay, everyone got it?

#938
Yeah.

#939
Dude, everybody has sambuca but us.

#940
Now we have an American hero tonight, so quick round of

#941
applause for our troop here.

#942
Nice-looking fellow.

#943
And to anyone who does not have a glass of sambuca... Look around now.

#944
You'll see them.

#945
Those people refuse to drink.

#946
Yeah. They don't know how to pay tribute.

#947
They hate America!

#948
They hate the troops.

#949
Mm.

#950
They hate the people who work hardest for them.

#951
They turn them into janitors.

#952
Mm, mm.

#953
It's not right. Aah!

#954
Damn 'em to hell.

#955
To the troops!

#956
To the troops.

#957
Cheers.

#958
To America!

#959
Good job, fellas.

#960
We did it.

#961
This is unbelievable, Mac.

#962
You know, and they totally ruined our heartfelt moment.

#963
Now, there's a way we can get it back... if you just kind of jump...

#964
No, you fool!

#965
That time has passed.

#966
Can't you see they're humiliating us?

#967
Just tell me what you were gonna tell me.

#968
I'm not gonna stand for this.

#969
I'm not.

#970
Just, Dennis... Come on, man!

#971
Goddamn it!

#972
Ma'am?

#973
Uh-huh.

#974
Please return to your table?

#975
Oh, you know what?

#976
I'm gonna sit next to the hero.

#977
I used to date a troop.

#978
He was crazy for jean shorts.

#979
Attention, uh, attention, everyone, please.

#980
If I could have your attention momentarily. Thank you.

#981
We do have an American hero in the house tonight.

#982
A strong man, a brave man.

#983
He's the kind of man who knows exactly who he is.

#984
He doesn't hide under a toupee.

#985
He faces his challenges, instead of just retreating to the

#986
sewers... nude to forage for rings and coins.

#987
Or to the toilets.

#988
Or to a life filled with rats.

#989
He's the kind of man who gives me the courage to do an amazing

#990
double jackknife twist, which I did.

#991
Most of you people wouldn't even attempt that.

#992
I did it.

#993
And to go down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later,

#994
on the very same night, which I also did.

#995
And I licked her asshole a little bit.

#996
It was pretty good.

#997
It was all right.

#998
It wasn't great.

#999
But it was fine.

#1000
And I knew that it was gonna be fine because this guy would be

#1001
here to catch me if I faltered.

#1002
Yeah. The world is a safer place when he's around.

#1003
* Did you ever know That you're my hero?

#1004
'Cause you are the wind Beneath my wings. *

#1005
Thank you.

#1006
Thanks.

#1007
Thank you.

#1008
Wow, dude.

#1009
I mean, that was so touching.

#1010
Oh.

#1011
That's an amazing thing you said about the troop.

#1012
Now, can we get back to the karaoke machine?

#1013
Because I... I was talking about you.

#1014
That was about me?

#1015
Yes. He wasn't there when I went down on Chrissy Orlando.

#1016
I did not get that at all.

#1017
I'm sor... Dennis, that's really sweet.

#1018
Thank you.

#1019
I'm sorry. What's happening?

#1020
Is it freezing in here all of a sudden?

#1021
Yeah, and it's... freezing.

#1022
Air is blowing directly on us. What...?

#1023
I mean, what is happening?

#1024
Those goddamn sons of bitches.

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