Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S08E10 — Reynolds vs Reynolds - The Cereal Defense

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 8, Episode 10 — Reynolds vs Reynolds - The Cereal Defense

#1031
Ah!

#1032
That's crazy! That is insane!

#1033
How do you hit me again?

#1034
It was Deandra's fault.

#1035
What?

#1036
She gave me the wrong directions.

#1037
This way, that way!

#1038
Guys, it was actually pretty cut and dried.

#1039
It was Dee's fault.

#1040
I was trying to give directions and she interrupted me.

#1041
***

#1042
***

#1043
This is your fault? This is perfect.

#1044
Guys, we were all here to witness it.

#1045
It was Dee's fault, she'll pay for the damages.

#1046
Absolutely. She should, yeah.

#1047
That's it.

#1048
Don't you dare.

#1049
No, it was-- oh, you know, I have an idea.

#1050
Should we have a trial? Me and Charlie?

#1051
- Kind of just had a trial. - Too many trials.

#1052
Can't have a trial for every person.

#1053
Let's just have her pay for it and be done with this.

#1054
All right, that's it.

#1055
N-no, no, no!

#1056
What are you-- no, because Charlie was giving the-- I was only--

#1057
Goddammit!

#1058
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#1059
(indistinct conversation)

#1060
Okay, uh, okay okay okay.

#1061
I'd like to begin with my opening statement, uh, if I could.

#1062
First off, uh, who is the defendant in this matter?

#1063
That's not a statement.

#1064
All right, well, irregardless, uh, I would like to know, as Frank's lawyer, who

#1065
I am persecuting or who I'm defending.

#1066
Yeah. Prosecuting.

#1067
Okay, let me just nip this whole thing in the bud right now.

#1068
Stop treating this like it's a trial, and like this is a courtroom.

#1069
Yeah, but the tables.

#1070
Yeah, but I was against that, too, okay?

#1071
Let's just present the facts to each other, and then let's

#1072
decide as a majority who's in the right.

#1073
That being said, Frank would be the defendant.

#1074
I'm not the defendant.

#1075
No, that implies that I am guilty.

#1076
He's right.

#1077
If anyone's ever accused of anything, I automatically assume they're guilty.

#1078
You do, right?

#1079
I'm gonna make you the defendant.

#1080
Okay, and I'll make Frank the defendant, and then we'll split it up after.

#1081
You're the defendant.

#1082
You aren't prosecuting him!

#1083
I'm finished! I'm finished.

#1084
Where have you been for the last three hours?

#1085
I have been making... this.

#1086
What the hell is that?

#1087
It's the Trial Meter.

#1088
It shows how we each feel throughout the trial.

#1089
Yeah, I made little gavels with our names on it, and we can move

#1090
them accordingly.

#1091
And at the end, whoever has the most gavels on their side wins.

#1092
It took you three hours to make that?

#1093
Yeah.

#1094
Mac, let me tell you something.

#1095
Nobody is gonna want to use that because it's so stupid.

#1096
We are dealing with a serious issue here.

#1097
You imbecile!

#1098
Don't be an imbecile.

#1099
Okay, my property is at stake.

#1100
What are you doing?

#1101
W-Well, don't do that.

#1102
Look, okay, not that we're using this stupid thing, but don't

#1103
start doing that because you're gonna... I like what he did there.

#1104
I'm gonna go ahead and move my guy.

#1105
Why? Why? We haven't presented any facts yet.

#1106
Yeah, okay.

#1107
Well, don't everybody start moving their gavels over to the

#1108
side, we haven't even... well, good, at least you have the

#1109
common sense to be on my side.

#1110
Well, as your representative in this matter, I didn't have much of a choice.

#1111
My hands were tied.

#1112
N-N-No. No, no.

#1113
You're not... you're not my representative.

#1114
I will be talking for myself.

#1115
This is an open and shut case, and anybody who can't see that

#1116
(shouts) is a savage and an idiot!

#1117
Okay, uh, I would like a five with my client, please.

#1118
Oh, you want a five, counselor?

#1119
I'd like to take a five, yes.

#1120
All right, I'll allow it.

#1121
Stop talking like this is a goddamn courtroom, please.

#1122
Oh, I'm the judge!

#1123
No, you're not.

#1124
Can I be the bailiff?

#1125
You are not anything!

#1126
I'll allow it.

#1127
No one is anything!

#1128
(shouts): I will scratch everybody's eyes out of their sockets!

#1129
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, uh, my client Frank here isn't

#1130
really on trial today, you know.

#1131
Common sense is on trial.

#1132
And, well, common sense would tell you that eating a bowl of

#1133
cereal while operating a car is, well, it's-it's reckless.

#1134
It's moronic.

#1135
One might even call it... donkey-brained.

#1136
Donkey-brained?

#1137
Uh, it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature.

#1138
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy.

#1139
But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around

#1140
with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around

#1141
without the use of your vision.

#1142
Oh. That's interesting.

#1143
So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be

#1144
considered donkey-brained?

#1145
Uh... sure. Yeah, okay, fine.

#1146
I'll take it.

#1147
All right.

#1148
Uh, now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a...

#1149
mental institution.

#1150
Is this correct?

#1151
That's correct.

#1152
But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let

#1153
me go.

#1154
And, they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of

#1155
everything.

#1156
I would like to add into evidence Article 1.

#1157
Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?

#1158
Mm-hmm.

#1159
"By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,

#1160
Reed Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not

#1161
have... donkey brains."

#1162
What?

#1163
What? That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?

#1164
Well, it's written right here in plain English.

#1165
Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?

#1166
Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent

#1167
upstate, so they started calling me "Frankie Donkey Brains," and

#1168
it was very traumatic.

#1169
So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where

#1170
they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.

#1171
Yeah, great. What does this have to do with anything?

#1172
Uh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has

#1173
donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic

#1174
or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued

#1175
certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then

#1176
I ask you this: do you have any such certificate?

#1177
What?

#1178
Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal.

#1179
We know Frank's not a donkey.

#1180
How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?

#1181
Why would I have a certificate?

#1182
You don't have a certificate?

#1183
N-N-No, the burden of proof is not on me.

#1184
The defendant will answer the question.

#1185
The defendant?

#1186
I'm not the defendant!

#1187
Just answer the question.

#1188
No.

#1189
No further questions.

#1190
Oh!

#1191
You got to be kidding be.

#1192
Because of that?!

#1193
You don't have a certificate.

#1194
I mean, you know, what else are we supposed to... What in the...?!

#1195
You may have donkey brains.

#1196
I don't know.

#1197
No one can prove that they're not donkey-brained except for him.

#1198
I just... I wish you had a certificate.

#1199
Oh, bullshit!

#1200
Frank... would you like a glass of wine?

#1201
Yeah, all right.

#1202
Huh? Why not have a glass of wine?

#1203
I mean, after all... Oh!

#1204
Hey! Hey! Hey!

#1205
You can't do that!

#1206
Oh, I'm so sorry.

#1207
Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie.

#1208
See, I bashed into Frank while he was at a dead stop.

#1209
That's completely my fault, Frank.

#1210
I will pay for all the damages to your shirt.

#1211
Case closed.

#1212
Oh, well, when you put it like that, you got me.

#1213
You know, I'm on Dennis's side now-- he just convinced me.

#1214
Uh, hold-hold on one second though, Charlie.

#1215
It occurs to me that Frank assumed responsibility for a

#1216
potential spill the second he took the wine.

#1217
Yeah, he's right.

#1218
I knew the risk.

#1219
So in this circumstance, it would appear that Frank is at fault.

#1220
And therefore in the car, Dennis is at fault.

#1221
I am on Frank's side.

#1222
Case closed.

#1223
I pushed... I mean, I pushed him!

#1224
Boom! You nailed it.

#1225
You know what?

#1226
Mac just made the most credible argument of all.

#1227
Hold on a second!

#1228
Hold on, Charlie. Credibility?

#1229
You're interested in credibility?

#1230
I would like to call my next witness: Mac.

#1231
So, Mac, you seem to be pretty locked into Frank's side at this point, right?

#1232
And your opinion, it carries a lot of weight around here, doesn't it?

#1233
Oh, absolutely.

#1234
I'm a tastemaker around here.

#1235
Pretty much what I say goes.

#1236
And I've decided that Frank is the winner.

#1237
Yeah. And, Charlie, you find Mac's arguments to be fairly

#1238
credible and convincing?

#1239
I do. Yeah, he makes a lot of good points.

#1240
He's a good judge, and... he's an even better bailiff.

#1241
So if you find Mac's arguments to be so credible, why

#1242
is it that you disagree on the subject of superhumans?

#1243
But we don't... (bell tolls)

#1244
What? What does this have to do with the case?

#1245
Well, Mac, if your character isn't credible, then are your arguments?

#1246
Strike this line of questioning from the record, please.

#1247
Uh, overruled.

#1248
Let her continue.

#1249
Mac, do you or do you not believe that you could create a

#1250
superhuman race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution?

#1251
What difference does that make?

#1252
If you believe something that insane, then how could you be our tastemaker?

#1253
How could we believe anything that you have to say?

#1254
I'm gonna ask you one more time:

#1255
do you or do you not believe that you can create a superhuman

#1256
race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution?

#1257
(drumroll)

#1258
Uh, no.

#1259
That's ridiculous, Dee.

#1260
What are you talking about?

#1261
What are you talking about?

#1262
You were just... you were just telling Charlie this morning all

#1263
about the... "Oh, have you seen X-Men?" and "My seed," and...

#1264
Well, I was joking with Charlie. (chuckles)

#1265
That could never happen in the real world, Dee.

#1266
That's, like, a comic book thing.

#1267
He's credible! He's credible.

#1268
I win this case.

#1269
It's an open and shut case.

#1270
Shit, Dennis, that was... Wait-wait-wait a minute.

#1271
Mac, why don't you believe that?

#1272
Huh?

#1273
Well, I'm just wondering.

#1274
Why don't you believe that you could pass down a gene that

#1275
would eventually evolve into a race of supermen?

#1276
Why?

#1277
Well, that's a silly question.

#1278
Because evolution doesn't exist, of course.

#1279
I'm sorry?

#1280
Oh, could you repeat that again for the room?

#1281
Because evolution is bullshit-- it's not real.

#1282
Goddamn it! Recess!

#1283
What? What? What? What?

#1284
You got to sway Charlie.

#1285
You got to make yourself credible again.

#1286
What did I do?

#1287
We got to stop with this-- your insane, crazy beliefs.

#1288
You got to tell them that you believe in evolution.

#1289
Oh, come on, Frank.

#1290
That's ridiculous.

#1291
We got to get Charlie to stop thinking you're a lunatic.

#1292
Look, Deandra's gonna side with Dennis-- that's a given.

#1293
You want me to win?

#1294
Okay, Frank, for you, I will make myself credible in

#1295
Charlie's eyes again, so you can win.

#1296
Just give me 15 minutes.

#1297
I'm finished, guys!

#1298
Jesus Christ.

#1299
I'm finished.

#1300
Now, this is all about making myself credible in your eyes

#1301
again, and I'm gonna do that by admitting that evolution... is a lie!

#1302
God damn you, Mac!

#1303
Yes, please do, Mac.

#1304
Now, as you can see, this is the Evolution Meter.

#1305
And I've put God, the creator of everything, on the right side.

#1306
And evolution... on the left.

#1307
I went ahead and put you guys all on the fence, 'cause of

#1308
course you're gonna... Actually, no.

#1309
Let's start where I would start.

#1310
No matter. I'm righteous.

#1311
I'm not gonna stand here, present some egghead scientific

#1312
argument based on fact.

#1313
I'm just a regular dude.

#1314
I like to drink beer.

#1315
You know, I love my family.

#1316
Rock, flag, and eagle, right, Charlie?

#1317
He's got a point.

#1318
No, he doesn't.

#1319
What?

#1320
See, Charlie?

#1321
These liberals are trying to assassinate my character.

#1322
And I can't change their mind.

#1323
I won't change my mind, 'cause I don't have to.

#1324
'Cause I'm an American.

#1325
I won't change my mind on anything, regardless of the

#1326
facts that are set out before me.

#1327
I'm dug in, and I'll never change.

#1328
Mac, look.

#1329
You're wasting our time.

#1330
You're not gonna get us to not believe in evolution.

#1331
And why is that?

#1332
Because the smartest scientists in the entire world all agree that it's real.

#1333
I'm glad you brought that up, because, Mr. Reynolds,

#1334
science... is a liar sometimes.

#1335
(bell tolls)

#1336
Oh, boy.

#1337
This... is Aristotle.

#1338
Thought to be the smartest man on the planet.

#1339
He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe,

#1340
and everybody believed him, because he was so smart.

#1341
Until another smartest guy came around, Galileo, and he

#1342
disproved that theory, making Aristotle and everybody else on

#1343
Earth look like a... bitch.

#1344
(bell tolls)

#1345
'Course, Galileo then thought comets were an optical illusion,

#1346
and there was no way that the moon could cause the ocean's tides.

#1347
Everybody believed that because he was so smart.

#1348
He was also wrong, making him and everyone else on Earth look

#1349
like a bitch again.

#1350
And then, best of all... Sir Isaac Newton gets born, and

#1351
blows everybody's nips off with his big brains.

#1352
'Course, he also thought he could turn metal into gold, and

#1353
died eating mercury, making him yet another stupid... bitch!

#1354
(drums sound)

#1355
Are you seeing a pattern?

#1356
No.

#1357
Mr. Reynolds, these were all the smartest scientists on the planet.

#1358
Only problem is, they kept being wrong.

#1359
Sometimes.

#1360
(bell tolls)

#1361
This is insane, you fool.

#1362
I'm a fool because I have more faith in the saints that

#1363
wrote the Bible?

#1364
Yeah, because you just read the words of a bunch of guys

#1365
that you never met, and you just take it on faith that everything

#1366
they wrote was true.

#1367
Hm.

#1368
And what makes you think what your scientists are writing is

#1369
any more truer than my saints?

#1370
Because there are volumes of proven data.

#1371
Numbers. You know, figures.

#1372
Th-There are fossil records.

#1373
Oh, fossil records.

#1374
Ah! I didn't even think about the fossil records.

#1375
I guess I'll concede.

#1376
Oh, wait, uh, one more thing before I do, Mr. Reynolds.

#1377
Have you seen these fossil records?

#1378
(bell tolls)

#1379
Have I... huh?

#1380
Have you pored through the data yourself?

#1381
The numbers? The figures?

#1382
Well, no. I'm-- no.

#1383
Oh.

#1384
Interesting.

#1385
So let me get this straight, Mr.

#1386
Reynolds.

#1387
You get your information from a book written by men you've never

#1388
met.

#1389
And you take their words as truth, based on a willingness to

#1390
believe, a desire to accept, a leap of... of, dare I say it?

#1391
(laughs)

#1392
Faith?

#1393
(bell tolls)

#1394
Come on, come on.

#1395
Look, I mean-- I don't even know how I'm supposed to respond to

#1396
that.

#1397
(bell tolls)

#1398
Like... oh, come on.

#1399
That is a... that's a false equivalency.

#1400
(bell tolls)

#1401
Just answer the question, Mr.

#1402
Reynolds.

#1403
Sure. Yeah, okay.

#1404
I rest my case.

#1405
Well, that got me.

#1406
Frank, do you want to, uh... Put me over.

#1407
Yeah, all right.

#1408
What?

#1409
Well, we're going on the fence.

#1410
I mean, that's a shadow of a doubt.

#1411
You actually don't believe in evolution anymore?

#1412
I don't know.

#1413
He created a reasonable doubt.

#1414
He makes you sound like a stupid, uh, science bitch.

#1415
Yeah, he got you good.

#1416
Eh... oh, my God.

#1417
(talking over each other)

#1418
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#1419
What-What are we even talking about?

#1420
How did we get on evolution?

#1421
This is not about evolution.

#1422
Well, it became about that when you attacked Mac's character.

#1423
Yeah, like they did in the O.J. trial to that hero cop, Mark Fuhrman.

#1424
Right!

#1425
Okay, let's just get back on track here.

#1426
I would like to make my closing arguments.

#1427
N-No, no, no, no, no.

#1428
This has gone on long enough.

#1429
And by the way, Dee, why the hell do you give a shit about any of this, anyway?

#1430
You don't know?

#1431
You can't think of why I might like to set a precedent of

#1432
responsibility for when someone's car gets destroyed?

#1433
No.

#1434
Anybody else? Anybody?

#1435
I... I can't really think of anything.

#1436
Can you think of anything?

#1437
I'm blank.

#1438
Not ringing a bell for me.

#1439
You guys have destroyed every single car that I have ever owned!

#1440
And we've never had so much as a conversation about it, much less a trial.

#1441
A whole trial!

#1442
Are you making that up?

#1443
Isn't this... What is she talking about?

#1444
Are you sure that happened?

#1445
Oh, you sons of bitches.

#1446
Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches!

#1447
I am going to destroy everything you own!

#1448
Ooh.

#1449
'Kay, you know what?

#1450
I'm gonna end this.

#1451
I'm gonna end this!

#1452
Oh!

#1453
I still vote for Dennis.

#1454
All right, well, I'm still for Frank.

#1455
Yeah.

#1456
And I am actually gonna go to the fence.

#1457
What?

#1458
God.

#1459
Oh, goddamn it!

#1460
We're nowhere with this.

#1461
All right, okay, guys, settle down.

#1462
I think if we've learned anything today, it's that, you

#1463
know, we can't just take things based on faith.

#1464
Only seeing is believing, right?

#1465
Let's take this to the streets.

#1466
Thanks, guys.

#1467
Yeah, man. No worries.

#1468
Have a good one.

#1469
See you later.

#1470
Have a nice day.

#1471
Bye bye.

#1472
Okay, here's the deal.

#1473
Dennis, if you can drive to your apartment and back without

#1474
spilling a single drop, Dee, your precedent is set, and

#1475
Frank, you pay for everything.

#1476
Fine.

#1477
Good.

#1478
Okay, and Frank, if you can drive to our place and back

#1479
without getting in an accident with me giving you directions,

#1480
you can continue to drive as long as I'm in the car with you.

#1481
Deal!

#1482
All right.

#1483
On your mark. Get set. Go!

#1484
Did he say it was a race?

#1485
No.

#1486
Why are they running?

#1487
I have no idea.

#1488
All right, steady.

#1489
Steady as she goes.

#1490
I'm going straight.

#1491
Beautiful.

#1492
No, beautiful stuff.

#1493
This is the best.

#1494
Yeah. Dee, uh, please prepare me a bowl of cereal.

#1495
Yup.

#1496
What are you doing?

#1497
We got to see for ourselves how reckless this is.

#1498
And you hold it in one hand and drive with the other.

#1499
Interesting.

#1500
Yeah, I know.

#1501
Pretty mind-blowing stuff, isn't it?

#1502
Then I stop at a stoplight, and, once I'm stopped, and everything

#1503
is safe... take a bite.

#1504
All right, here we go.

#1505
(mumbling): Hold on.

#1506
Make a... make a left right there.

#1507
Make a what?

#1508
Uh-huh. Go left.

#1509
Make a left.

#1510
Right.

#1511
Right?

#1512
No!

#1513
Make up your mind!

#1514
Deandra, shut up!

#1515
Well, dude, now that we're alone, you can admit it.

#1516
I mean, I swayed you on evolution a little bit, right?

#1517
Well, I... (crunch)

#1518
Ah!

#1519
That's crazy! That is insane!

#1520
How do you hit me again?

#1521
It was Deandra's fault.

#1522
What?

#1523
She gave me the wrong directions.

#1524
This way, that way!

#1525
Guys, it was actually pretty cut and dried.

#1526
It was Dee's fault.

#1527
I was trying to give directions and she interrupted me.

#1528
***

#1529
***

#1530
This is your fault? This is perfect.

#1531
Guys, we were all here to witness it.

#1532
It was Dee's fault, she'll pay for the damages.

#1533
Absolutely. She should, yeah.

#1534
That's it.

#1535
Don't you dare.

#1536
No, it was-- oh, you know, I have an idea.

#1537
Should we have a trial? Me and Charlie?

#1538
- Kind of just had a trial. - Too many trials.

#1539
Can't have a trial for every person.

#1540
Let's just have her pay for it and be done with this.

#1541
All right, that's it.

#1542
N-no, no, no!

#1543
What are you-- no, because Charlie was giving the-- I was only--

#1544
Goddammit!

#1545
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

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