Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E01 — Mac Fights Gay Marriage

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 1 — Mac Fights Gay Marriage

#1
Look, bro, I'm only gonna be here for about 10 minutes.

#2
I got to get my pump on. I have a very big day.

#3
I'm sorry. I can't let you in.

#4
I don't understand why you're insisting on jamming me up here, bro.

#5
I'm not trying to jam you up. I just don't believe you.

#6
What is not to believe? I am absolutely Dennis Reynolds.

#7
This picture looks nothing like you.

#8
Well, thank you.

#9
Because I have actually packed on

#10
about 15 or 20 pounds of solid bulk muscle

#11
since that picture was taken.

#12
It's actually a testament to your gym.

#13
I'm gonna need you to either buy your own membership, or get out.

#14
- Mac? - Yeah.

#15
- Hey! Tranny! Carmen. - Yeah.

#16
Sorry. How you doing? Wow. You look great.

#17
Sweet camel toe.

#18
That's a good tuck job. You have it taped back there?

#19
- No. - It's good.

#20
It's actually gone. I had the surgery.

#21
Get out! That's fantastic!

#22
Oh, I thought I was gonna get a phone call after the old snip-snip,

#23
'cause we talked about that, but either way,

#24
now that you're dickless, I'm into it.

#25
- What are you doing this afternoon? - How's it goin'?

#26
Uh, it's goin' good, pal,

#27
but the lady isn't interested.

#28
Uh, Mac, I would like you to meet my husband, Nick.

#29
Husband? You're married.

#30
Great.

#31
Now, what do you guys think? They're good almonds, right?

#32
- They are tasty. - These almonds? Yeah, they're fine.

#33
I found them in a little pile in the alleyway.

#34
A squirrel must have piled them up and then got hit by a car.

#35
Why? Why, why, why?

#36
- Why would you feed us alley almonds? - Why wouldn't you tell us that?

#37
- They're perfectly good. - Guys. Guys, guys. I've got news.

#38
I've got huge news.

#39
So I went down to the gym this morning, right?

#40
I was all amped up, 'cause Charlie and I found a bunch of nuts.

#41
I was so full of protein, okay?

#42
I went to get my pump on, but I couldn't get my pump on.

#43
Now, I know what you're thinking.

#44
Clearly, I did get my pump on,

#45
but that's 'cause I just did a bunch of push-ups outside.

#46
Also why I'm out of breath.

#47
What in God's name are you talking about?

#48
- Is this the big news? - No. I ran into the tranny.

#49
She got her dick cut off and she married a dude.

#50
- Oh. - Oh, that's great!

#51
Congratulations to her.

#52
- No, that is not great. - No?

#53
- That is a gay marriage. - Uh, I got a question for you.

#54
- One's a girl, one's a guy. - Yeah.

#55
And how is that gay?

#56
Well, for starters, clearly, her husband is a homosexual, okay?

#57
Why are you making that assumption?

#58
Because he's with a tranny?

#59
You were with the tranny. What are you saying?

#60
No! Charlie, that is completely different, and you know it.

#61
Yeah. No. He's right. That's different,

#62
'cause this new guy, if I'm hearing correctly,

#63
he waited until she got her dick cut off before he banged her.

#64
- But that means… - No.

#65
Look, who gives a shit if gays want to be miserable

#66
like everybody else and get married?

#67
Let 'em do it. It's no skin off my ass.

#68
No. Marriage is a wonderful thing.

#69
It's between two people who decide

#70
they want to spend the rest of their lives together

#71
because they love each other very much.

#72
I'm all for it, and I think everyone should be entitled to it.

#73
Everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of a sudden.

#74
Marriage is about procreation, okay?

#75
This is gay marriage.

#76
That's two dudes banging each other.

#77
What do you get from that? Nothin'. Nothin'.

#78
That is a persuasive argument.

#79
You should take your powerful extension cord argument

#80
straight to the supreme court.

#81
- Mm-hmm. They'll love it there. - Run that right up the ladder, right?

#82
Run it up the ladder.

#83
Mac, I think you're just getting upset

#84
that the tranny married some guy that's not you,

#85
and that's what this is about.

#86
No. No, Charlie, this is about the big man upstairs,

#87
- okay, getting boxed out. - Oh, Jesus.

#88
Very clearly says in the Bible that gay marriage is wrong, okay.

#89
And I'm gonna show you. Where's our Bible?

#90
- "Where's our Bible?" - Where's our goddamn Bible?

#91
- We don't have a Bible in here. - I don't know. Yeah.

#92
- Why don't we have a Bible? - We never have.

#93
It's a bar.

#94
Okay, I see what's happening here.

#95
All right. I don't have enough facts to support my argument.

#96
- Clearly. - But I'm gonna find a Bible,

#97
and I'm gonna come back,

#98
and I'm gonna school you sons of bitches.

#99
Because you guys are trying to confuse me.

#100
You're trying to confuse me, because that's what God's work…

#101
Ah…

#102
Oh, he's getting himself all worked up, huh?

#103
Yeah. Very worked up.

#104
I always thought I'd be married by now.

#105
- What? - What?

#106
Yeah. Well, I don't know.

#107
All that talk about marriage and everything,

#108
it's got me thinking about myself and my situation,

#109
and I guess I always thought I'd be married by now.

#110
What the shit are you talking about?

#111
Frank, I'm talking about Maureen Ponderosa.

#112
Oh, my God, dude. Don't start in on this.

#113
Maureen Ponderosa was my girlfriend in 10th grade,

#114
and we were so in love.

#115
Uh, you remember Maureen Ponderosa, right, Charlie?

#116
I remember her dead tooth, dude.

#117
What? Dead tooth? She didn't have a dead tooth.

#118
You guys remember her brother Bill?

#119
Bill Ponderosa?

#120
Oh, that guy was like a walking cliché.

#121
He was hot. Great buns.

#122
Yeah, and I remember every time you tried to talk to him,

#123
you'd…

#124
I got a little gaggy. It's only 'cause he made me nervous.

#125
But he was very handsome.

#126
What is it with you two and the Ponderosas?

#127
I think I might call her up actually.

#128
Charlie, not in the corner.

#129
Put 'em in the closet, tuck 'em in the back.

#130
- Hold on a second. - Pick 'em up. There you go.

#131
Come on.

#132
- Not on the floor! - My back!

#133
Charlie, look at this. I've been saving these for years.

#134
What?

#135
I think I slipped a disk, man.

#136
Stand straight or something.

#137
Frank, I gotta go see a chiropractor again.

#138
Oh, right. I just keep paying medical bills, right? Is that it?

#139
- I keep lugging pennies. - Come on. You're in pain?

#140
Here, let me hit you with the two-by-four. You won't feel anything.

#141
No. I don't want to play that game anymore.

#142
All right. Crack my back. Can you crack my back, please?

#143
Crack your back. All right. Turn around.

#144
Give me that. You ready? Way up.

#145
- Oh! Oh! Oh! - Did you get my back?

#146
- Oh, my back. Oh! - I'll get you. I'll get you.

#147
Ow, my back! Aw! I need it again!

#148
- Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi! - Oh! Oh! Oh!

#149
Charlie. Charlie.

#150
- Don't touch me. - All right. All right.

#151
This is gonna sound crazy. I just got an idea.

#152
If we do that domestic partnership thing that gay guys can do,

#153
I can totally get on your health insurance.

#154
You won't even have to pay for the chiropractor.

#155
You proposing to me?

#156
Come on, man. No. I'm saying, we're already friends, right?

#157
Let's be friends with benefits, right?

#158
Oh, yeah. You get your back fixed.

#159
- What's in it for me? - All right, man.

#160
There's gotta be a reason why all those couples want to do it.

#161
Uh, perks, right? Can we at least look into what goes into it?

#162
- I really gotta see a chiropractor, man. - All right. We'll look into it.

#163
You got to hit me with the two-by-four. I got too much pain.

#164
It's bad on me too. All right. I got you.

#165
- I got you. - Hit me in the head. Hit me good.

#166
Phew! I feel really nervous, Dee.

#167
I haven't seen Maureen in close to 15 years.

#168
- I was really in love with that girl. - Yeah.

#169
No girl has ever had this effect on me,

#170
so I don't know how to deal with it. It's crazy.

#171
I know what you mean. I'm feeling a lot of butterflies myself too.

#172
- You know, it's like… - Yeah.

#173
…"Oh, I'm gonna see Bill Ponderosa."

#174
- Is that gonna happen? Relax - Maybe bubbly water.

#175
- Maybe if you get me some bubbly water. - Slow down… Here we go.

#176
- Dennis! - Hey, Maureen! Wow.

#177
- Hi. - Look at you. You look amazing!

#178
- You look amazing. - Me? Oh.

#179
Who's this? Is this your husband?

#180
- This is Bill. - Hey, you guys.

#181
Bill? No…

#182
Wow!

#183
Wow, right? I would not have guessed that was you.

#184
- Yeah, I've gained a little weight. - Did you now?

#185
Oh! Well, no, it's hardly noticeable. Hardly noticeable.

#186
I do notice the ring though. Good for you.

#187
- You got married. That's good. - Yeah, 10 years now.

#188
Yeah, she's amazing. So are my two kids.

#189
- Oh. - Want to see little…

#190
No, no, no, no, I don't. I don't really.

#191
I mean, it's great, but you know what I mean.

#192
Nobody really wants to see that.

#193
Goddamn, this has been a really fun walk down memory lane.

#194
Uh, Maureen, great to see you.

#195
And, Bill, take care of yourself or whatever people say.

#196
- Okay. Excuse me. - All right.

#197
Well, yeah, this has got to be a little awkward for you now, Bill, right?

#198
'Cause you're here, and we're sort of having a…

#199
Probably gonna have a little sit-down breakfast,

#200
and now you're a bit of a third wheel,

#201
kind of wormed your way into our situation.

#202
Yeah. Not really. You know…

#203
- I just came to catch up, so… - No.

#204
But I can leave you guys alone, I guess.

#205
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.

#206
That would be great. That would be great.

#207
Hey, take care of yourself. It was good to see you.

#208
Yeah. I gotta pick up the kids.

#209
- Sure, pick up the kids, yeah. - Bye, Bill.

#210
Uh…

#211
- Hey, you want to sit down? - Yeah.

#212
Great. Hey. God, man. Maureen Ponderosa.

#213
I can't even believe those words are coming out of my mouth.

#214
- I know. - Look at you. Look at you!

#215
You look great. You're still quite a catch.

#216
You look just like you did in high school.

#217
- Oh. - Hey,

#218
do you remember all the good times that we used to have

#219
in the back of your dad's Datsun behind this place?

#220
Oh, man. So much romance. Mmm.

#221
- Hey, how is your dad? - Dad died last year.

#222
- Did he die? - Yeah.

#223
Oh, that's too bad.

#224
It happens, you know. He was getting up there, right?

#225
I mean, it was probably natural causes, or…

#226
- Suicide. - Suicide?

#227
Car exhaust, yeah.

#228
I had to break the window of the Datsun, so…

#229
Oh, yeah. It was one of those. One of those, huh?

#230
- His eyes were so yellow. - Okay.

#231
Oh! Oh, Maureen Ponderosa!

#232
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah!

#233
Dennis Reynolds and Maureen Ponderosa…

#234
back together again at last.

#235
Hey, Carmen.

#236
Carmen, hey. I wanna show you something.

#237
Oh.

#238
- Hey, Mac. - Yeah.

#239
- What's going on here? - Good. I'm glad you're here too.

#240
Okay. 'Cause this pertains to both of you guys.

#241
I am about to do you guys a huge solid. Ready?

#242
"Men with men committing indecent acts,"

#243
sex in the butt,

#244
"will receive the due penalty for their perversion."

#245
Word of the Lord.

#246
Okay, what is it you're trying to say, Mac?

#247
I'm saying that in the eyes of the Lord,

#248
your marriage is an abomination,

#249
and if you don't get a divorce, you're going to hell.

#250
I love people tripping all the time.

#251
- Can I see that for a second? - Yeah.

#252
But I'm not tripping, okay? It's all right there.

#253
- Oh, no. - Yeah. Just,

#254
it's gonna take you a little while to flip through it

#255
- 'cause that book is long as shit. - Uh-hmm.

#256
- Oh, yeah. I like this one. - Yeah.

#257
- Exodus 21, verses 20, 21. - Mmm.

#258
"When a man strikes his slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies,

#259
"he shall be punished.

#260
"If, however, the slave survives for a day or two,

#261
"he is not to be punished,

#262
"for the slave is his property."

#263
That's not what I'm talking about, though.

#264
That's a different. That's not my thing.

#265
Oh, so you're saying you're gonna whup my black ass with a rod

#266
for as long as you like,

#267
and as long as I get up after a day or two, we all good.

#268
That's what you're telling me?

#269
No, I wouldn't whup on you, uh, with anything,

#270
whether you were my slave or not. It's just…

#271
That doesn't really pertain anyway,

#272
because that section is not from the same time.

#273
Oh, oh, really? Well, what time is your section from, Mac?

#274
Uh-hmm.

#275
Look, I came here to help you guys, okay?

#276
As a gay man, there's certain things you need to know about the afterlife.

#277
I'm not a gay man.

#278
Yes, you are. You're banging a dude.

#279
Look, if anything, you're the one that slept with me when I was a man.

#280
Oh, that's it. You're gay.

#281
- No, no, no, no. - He's gay.

#282
- No, no, no, no. - If this is about you and me,

#283
then just say that.

#284
I'm never going to admit that, Carmen.

#285
But come on, I mean, him?

#286
What do you see in this guy?

#287
I mean, look at my body compared to his.

#288
I'm a hard body. You're a hard body.

#289
We could be hard bodies together. Not hard body and…

#290
Look, I thought we established that

#291
there was going to be a phone call after the procedure.

#292
And then you have the procedure, and I never got that call.

#293
Instead you called this soft body and you gay-married him.

#294
And now you're calling me gay, telling me I'm tripping

#295
and trying to confuse me with your liberal biblicisms.

#296
Man, my guess is, you've been confused for a very long time.

#297
All right, take it easy.

#298
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

#299
Thank you very much. All right, dude.

#300
Okay, I admit this is more paperwork than I expected, all right?

#301
But, Frank, that's because this domestic partnership thing

#302
is really worth doing, dude.

#303
There's a lot of perks in these bad boys.

#304
There's a lot of jelly in these doughnuts here, Frank.

#305
Charlie, you still haven't told me

#306
how this shit is going to be good for me. Me.

#307
It's all in here! All right. Okay. All right. Think about this for a second.

#308
Now, you're definitely gonna have another massive heart attack

#309
or stroke in the next few years?

#310
- Definitely. - All right.

#311
What's gonna happen when you go on life support, dude?

#312
Dennis and Dee are gonna pull the plug on you so fast,

#313
your head is gonna spin.

#314
But think about this, Frank. You know who's not gonna do that?

#315
- This guy right here. - This thing,

#316
this is so much complicated stuff, Charlie.

#317
Wow! Look who it is.

#318
Wow! Guys, you remember Maureen Ponderosa, right?

#319
- Charlie! - Ooh!

#320
- Hey! Maureen, how are ya? - Dead tooth. Let me see the dead tooth.

#321
- What's he talking about? - Oh, he's… Pipe down, Frank, pipe down.

#322
- So listen, guys. We just got married. - What?

#323
Yeah. Yeah. We're married. Maureen and I got married.

#324
What is wrong with you?

#325
It's not what's wrong with me, Frank. It's what's right with me,

#326
and that's this little piece of paper here that we just signed.

#327
It's our marriage certificate. Now we're married.

#328
- Boom. - Wait! Hold on a second.

#329
You just had to sign a little piece of paper?

#330
They gave Frank and I, like, a million forms for our marriage.

#331
Oh, you guys are trying to get married too, huh? That's weird.

#332
It's a whole… Okay.

#333
Well, uh, we're out of here, so good luck.

#334
Oh, my God. What is the matter with him?

#335
- Did you smell her breath? - Are you kidding me?

#336
It smelled like she was nibbling on little pieces of shit.

#337
Wait a second. Wait a second.

#338
- Dennis, you're married? - Yes, man, I'm married.

#339
I'm a married man.

#340
Yeah. She's actually here, dude. It's awesome. She's in the bathroom.

#341
She's brushing her teeth.

#342
Yeah, she must have eaten something a little bit sinister.

#343
Must have been the Funyuns or something.

#344
I don't know. Whatever. It doesn't matter.

#345
Anyway, the point is, I am having…

#346
this is crazy, but I'm having feelings again.

#347
Like some kind of 14-year-old kid or something.

#348
I mean, you remember feelings, right?

#349
Yeah. I have feelings every single day of my life.

#350
- Do you? - Are you saying you

#351
don't have feelings?

#352
Well, I'm saying I built up a shell.

#353
A shell around myself.

#354
A cold, calculated, heartless shell that couldn't be broken

#355
by anything but marriage.

#356
And that's what she did, dude, she broke that shell

#357
with marriage.

#358
In a good way, if I'm being unclear.

#359
And that brings me, actually, to my next point.

#360
I need you to move out…

#361
Like now, like right away.

#362
What? Why do I have to move out?

#363
It's my apartment, too.

#364
Uh, actually, you know what, Mac?

#365
Turns out it's not your apartment because you never

#366
signed the lease, if you recall,

#367
'cause your credit was so bad.

#368
Oh. Well, what am I gonna do

#369
- with all my stuff? - You know what? Believe it or not,

#370
I've been doing some inventory,

#371
and it turns out you don't actually own anything

#372
in this apartment.

#373
That can't be true.

#374
It's shockingly true. Yeah, yeah.

#375
Every single thing in here is mine.

#376
For instance, that shirt that you're wearing right now,

#377
that was my shirt.

#378
And then I got tired of it, I threw it in the trash,

#379
and then you fished it out of the trash and you cut

#380
the sleeves off it, as you are wont to do,

#381
'cause that's your thing, but whatever.

#382
Also, listen. I don't want to rush you on this either,

#383
but I did have to drop you from my

#384
cell phone's family plan.

#385
And I'm gonna need you to stop using my name at the gym…

#386
because I'm getting a lot of phone calls about that,

#387
and that's a little embarrassing.

#388
- Can I say something? - Yeah, totally.

#389
Oh, there we go.

#390
- Oh! How you doin'? - Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

#391
- No! No, no, no, no. - You got a minute?

#392
- We ask a question. You got a minute? - Quick question.

#393
Yeah. I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

#394
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

#395
- That's easy. - Okay, no problem.

#396
- That's better. - Why do you people keep bothering me

#397
- at the gym? - I'm so sorry.

#398
It's gonna be a quick question. Charlie. You remember me, right?

#399
- Yeah. Hi. - Frank.

#400
No, I don't remember you.

#401
Look, my friend and I, we're trying to get a gay marriage

#402
situation going on, and he's all tripped up

#403
about some issue.

#404
And now he's uncomfortable talking to me.

#405
I figured you're an expert, so we could talk to you.

#406
All right. Fine. Just go ahead. What?

#407
Good. Go. If Charlie and I

#408
were gonna get married,

#409
who would be the man and who would be the woman

#410
in that situation?

#411
Neither of you would be the woman.

#412
You're both men!

#413
Are you kidding me? Is this what you've been

#414
upset about the whole time? Which one of us

#415
is gonna be the woman?

#416
Yeah. I'm not gonna get my dick

#417
cut off and sold to China,

#418
spend the rest of my life on a treadmill

#419
- like this guy. - What are you… What?

#420
I don't want to be the woman, Charlie, and I don't want

#421
to see you be the woman.

#422
That's insa… Neither of us would be

#423
the woman, dude.

#424
We would both be men. We'd be two cool straight dudes

#425
married together.

#426
Oh.

#427
Well, I never thought of it that way.

#428
Two dudes getting married, that doesn't seem very gay.

#429
Yeah, right? It's not…

#430
Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay. You know what?

#431
Let's not argue on this or think about it too much.

#432
- No. - Two cool married dudes.

#433
- Dudes. Two dudes. - Not gay. I'm down with that.

#434
All right! Two gay dudes married!

#435
- Bump it, bump it. - Two gay dudes married.

#436
Is my role in this done now?

#437
Uh, any more questions?

#438
No. I think I got it.

#440
No. I can tell by your stare that the answer is no.

#441
I told you, Frank. That's crazy.

#442
Dee, hey, we gotta talk.

#443
Wait. You can't just come barging in here like that.

#444
- What are you doing? - Okay, look, it takes a big man

#445
to admit defeat, but you were right, I was wrong.

#446
Everybody should be able to get married

#447
to whoever they want, which got me thinking

#448
about you and me.

#449
Oh, no. I'm not gonna marry you,

#450
if that's where this is headed.

#451
What? Dee, I would rather get shot in the face.

#452
Okay. Then what are you doing here?

#453
- I'm glad you asked. - I'm moving in.

#454
Also, I need to get on your gym membership…

#455
because I got to get back in there ASAP

#456
before I lose this pump.

#457
What's with the beers? Are you carbo loading?

#458
- No. - Oh. What are you doing?

#459
- Are you gonna throw up? - No.

#460
Then why are you gagging?

#461
- Oh, that… - Because, Dee, that triggers

#462
my gag reflex, too, and then I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

#463
It's fine. I had some bad spaghetti…

#464
Spaghetti.

#465
Ah, Dee.

#466
Look, the point is, the reason I came over here

#467
is because you were totally right

#468
about this marriage thing, okay?

#469
It is a special bond between two people in love,

#470
and everybody deserves that right.

#471
Look, I'm thinking that…

#472
I gotta throw up. I'm gonna throw up.

#473
No, no, no, no! Not in there!

#474
Oh, sorry. Uh…

#475
Wait. I know you.

#476
Bill Ponderosa.

#477
Where are you going?

#478
Hey, Maureen Ponderosa. Hey.

#479
I was just gonna go meet up with the guys.

#480
But I thought we were gonna watch a movie tonight.

#481
Watch a movie. Yes, we were.

#482
Yeah, you know what?

#483
But, you know, I feel the need to reconnect with the guys.

#484
But you know what?

#485
You can watch a movie without me.

#486
- What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

#487
God, dude, we have so many great, great movies here.

#488
Got a lot of action films, which is very, very exciting.

#489
Got all the Lethal Weapon movies,

#490
which is cool. Including the one that I made with the guys.

#491
Lethal Weapon 5.

#492
Yes. Amazing film, truly, truly.

#493
Although it gets a little confusing

#494
halfway through because Mac and I decided

#495
to switch parts. He wanted to play Murtaugh

#496
for some reason.

#497
Yeah. And I'm not gonna lie. His use of black face

#498
I found a bit regrettable, but…

#499
Come on. It's our first night as a married couple.

#500
I want to spend it with my husband.

#501
Oh. Yeah.

#502
I see that you're wearing another one of those

#503
kitty cat sweatshirts…

#504
- Meow. - …that you seem so fond of.

#505
You've glued some jewels

#506
and some flowers and things to it.

#507
- Uh-huh. - Interesting.

#508
I like to be comfy and current.

#509
Yeah. Yeah. I did not remember that about you.

#510
You don't remember a lot of things, silly.

#511
- Yeah. - Now, you get yourself on that couch.

#512
I'm gonna go make us fish sticks.

#513
Uh, I don't…

#514
I don't think we have any fish sticks.

#515
I bought some.

#516
Yeah. I don't particularly like fish sticks, but…

#517
- Dennis. - Hmm?

#518
Hey. I love you.

#519
Uh, I love you.

#520
Yeah.

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