Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E02 — Dennis Gets Divorced

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 2 — Dennis Gets Divorced

#1
Hey! Hi.

#2
Hey.

#3
Come back to bed and snuggle with me.

#4
Oh. I wish I could, but I got to go to work.

#5
But there's cab fare on the nightstand.

#6
That's the third morning in a row you've done that.

#7
We're married. I'm already home, silly.

#8
Right. Y-You're here. We're married, and that's cool.

#9
I'm psyched, dude. That's great. So you're…yeah. Okay.

#10
Well, you know, you could use the cab fare to get to work.

#11
- Oh, I don't work. - Oh.

#12
Okay. I just thought maybe you weren't going to work recently

#13
because we were going through a little bit of a honeymoon phase.

#14
But you're saying that you don't have a job.

#15
- No job. - No job at all.

#16
- Wow. - All yours.

#17
- All mine. All mine all the time. - All the time.

#18
Okay. Except on my work days. I do have to go to work, you know.

#19
So, that's cool though. You can just hang out here, I guess,

#20
and sort of get used to the lay of the land or whatever.

#21
Although don't go snooping around too much.

#22
'Cause this has all happened very fast and I haven't really had time

#23
to do a pass yet.

#24
Don't…don't look in those drawers.

#25
What…what's in those drawers?

#26
My sex tapes. Yeah.

#27
- All right, I got to go to work. - I love you.

#28
I love you too, Maureen.

#29
Uhh!

#30
Okay. Look, dude.

#31
All I'm saying is that you started off our domestic partnership

#32
on some very shaky, uh… very bullshitty ground, dude.

#33
And I'm saying, Charlie, you should get over it, move on.

#34
You signed the prenup. Case closed.

#35
You told me it was the phone bill, man. Of course I signed it.

#36
Why would you think that you needed to sign a phone bill?

#37
I can't keep track of our financial comings and goings.

#38
When he hands me something to sign and it's about money and papers, I sign it.

#39
Hey-o!

#40
Look who got a brand-new car.

#41
I'm still a little bit confused as to why in the hell

#42
you two got married in the first place.

#43
Yeah, Charlie gets health insurance, and I get diddly squat.

#44
He's gonna get some perks. He doesn't trust me.

#45
Hey. Why in the hell are you bathing yourself in the sink?

#46
Because I don't have a home anymore.

#47
So, this is where I take a shower. This is where I live, Dennis.

#48
Texting me again. This is pathetic.

#49
Back me up on this, Dennis. You got a prenup with Maureen, right?

#50
Uh, no, I did not. Should I have?

#51
Should you have? You are screwed!

#52
Typical. This is so typical.

#53
My God! Dee, you clearly have something you want to say.

#54
So let's just get it over with.

#55
Oh, no. No, it's no big deal. It's just Bill Ponderosa.

#56
He's, like, obsessed with me now or something.

#57
I don't know. He's texting me all the time.

#58
He calls me, like, nonstop. He bought me a new car.

#59
Dee, are you seriously bragging about sleeping with a married man?

#60
Yeah, one second you're on your high horse about how great marriage is,

#61
and now you're destroying one?

#62
Well, I'm not the one who's married. I didn't do anything wrong.

#63
You let him buy you a car.

#64
Well, Frank, I'm not gonna go passing on free cars.

#65
Guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys.

#66
All this talk about marriage and Dee being such a whore has got me thinking.

#67
I never got a bachelor party. We should go to the strip club.

#68
- Right now? - Yeah! Immediately!

#69
And since you would have been my best man, you should probably throw it for me. Yeah.

#70
What? No way, dude. I'm so pissed at you for throwing me out of the apartment.

#71
Yeah, and I'm still pretty pissed about you not throwing me a bachelor party.

#72
So this way I figure we'll be even.

#73
I'm ready for this. Being married to Charlie's got me all confused.

#74
I gotta get my hetero on.

#75
* Wanna get dirty dirty *

#76
* I'm gonna make your body hot, girl *

#77
* Make you sweat *

#78
* I'm gonna give you the time of your life, yeah *

#79
I like that move. What is that, a little motorcycle?

#80
That's pretty… yeah, not like that though.

#81
It's pretty good. But you gotta use a little bit more shoulder.

#82
I like the way he's doing it actually.

#83
Yeah. 'Cause I'm like… I'm-I'm bending the bike.

#84
But that's not really how you drive a motorcycle.

#85
Yeah, but you're not really driving a motorcycle.

#86
- It's my thing, okay? - All right.

#87
If you're not gonna take it seriously, then don't do it.

#88
I felt like I was doing it pretty good.

#89
I feel like you're taking it too seriously.

#90
- Let's not fight. It's a bachelor party. - Oh!

#91
I got a text. I got a text from the woman. "Miss you."

#92
I'll just write back "Miss you too. Miss you too."

#93
Now do I write the word "too," or should I write the number "2"?

#94
What's the best way to do that when we're texting?

#95
Who cares, dude?

#96
I'll do the word. I'll do the word.

#97
Okay, great! Frank, what's with the purse?

#98
This is my money bag. I'm gonna make it rain, baby.

#99
Whoa! Hold on. Make it rain? What is that?

#100
You're gonna chuck money everywhere? Don't do that.

#101
Will you lighten up? I'd like to make it rain. Can I make it rain, Mac?

#102
Why are you asking me?

#103
Well, dude, 'cause I can't fund my own bachelor party. That's just tacky.

#104
Fine. Excuse me. Hi.

#105
What is the recommended amount of money for one to make it rain?

#106
I'd say at least a thousand.

#107
How much would it cost for this gentleman and I to get a nice couple's dance?

#108
Uh, sorry. You have to be a couple for that.

#109
We are a couple. Charlie, documents.

#110
- All right, this is what it was all for. - Mm-hmm.

#111
- Look at this. We're married. - Yeah.

#112
Oh, you guys are cute. You're still gonna have to pay full price.

#113
Screw this. I'm gonna go make it rain. All right.

#114
All right, well, hang on a second. Give me some money.

#115
Let's go, I'm your husband. Give me some money.

#116
* Ooh, don't say maybe… *

#117
- There it is. - What is this?

#118
I'm tightening the purse strings on this relationship

#119
until there's a little bit of give and take.

#120
You know what, keep your money. I don't need your little allowance.

#121
Hey, we'll see.

#122
Oh, "Miss you more."

#123
That's classic Maureen right there.

#124
She's always got to one-up me for some…some reason.

#125
And so I'll write back what?

#126
I don't care.

#127
"Miss you most." Most. Can't get more than most, right?

#128
So that should… that should be the end of it, right?

#129
So, I hope so.

#130
Oh, man. You just cannot get enough, huh?

#131
Sorry for just showing up, you know, but you weren't responding to my texts.

#132
Oh, I totally get it. Once you pop, you can't stop, am I right?

#133
Actually, I came clean to my wife.

#134
And she kicked me out of the house.

#135
- Ew. Ouch. - Yeah.

#136
Bet you wish you could take that one back.

#137
So I was thinking, maybe I could stay here tonight.

#138
- Oh. - You are somewhat responsible for this.

#139
No. No, no, no, no.

#140
Can't you stay in a hotel or something. Isn't that…

#141
I would, but she froze my assets.

#142
Yikes.

#143
Shit's getting pretty real for you, huh?

#144
But nonetheless, uh, I really, like I said, I don't want you in my space.

#145
So there's got to be a lot of other places that you could stay

#146
that aren't, you know, here.

#147
Dee, I gave you a car.

#148
You're gonna jam the car in my face, huh?

#149
Come in.

#150
Thanks.

#151
*The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town *

#152
* The boys are back in town *

#153
* Da da da da da da da da da da *

#154
* Da da da da da, da da da da da da da da da *

#155
* The boys are back in town! *

#156
- Whoo! - Dennis!

#157
Hey.

#158
What are you doing? It is 2:00 in the morning.

#159
- I was sleeping, Dennis. - That's cool.

#160
Well, you're up now, baby girl, so let's do some shots.

#161
No, I don't drink. You know that.

#162
I think it makes people look ugly.

#163
I…

#164
Maybe I should go to my room.

#165
That is not your room anymore.

#166
It is my craft studio, so kindly stay out of there.

#167
- What? - Don't freak out, dude.

#168
It's all good, dude.

#169
She turned it into her craft studio where she makes terrible

#170
sweatshirts out of cats or puts cats in sweatshirts,

#171
and then I'm, like, "Dude, what the hell did you do?"

#172
What? Dennis, do not talk to me that way. I am your wife.

#173
Please show me some respect in front of your friends.

#174
Uh, you know what? I'm not entirely certain that you are my wife.

#175
'Cause I remember marrying Maureen Ponderosa.

#176
And you are no Maureen Ponderosa.

#177
That doesn't even…I don't know what that…what?

#178
- Divorce! - What? What did you just say?

#179
I will divorce you, Maureen. I'll do it.

#180
Okay, you're drunk. Why don't we just go to bed…

#181
I'm not drunk. I'm more sober than I've ever been in my entire life.

#182
Okay, I'm a little bit drunk… I'm totally drunk, but my mind is sober.

#183
And my mind's telling me the following,

#184
I don't love you, Maureen. I don't love you. I never loved you.

#185
You're annoying, and you're strange.

#186
- I don't know what to say. - Don't say anything.

#187
'Cause every time you open your mouth, I'm, like, ohh!

#188
It's like her breath is, like, always so bad.

#189
It's like a dead tooth… it's the dead tooth.

#190
I'm saying it now. I'll say it. You have a dead tooth. You realize that, right?

#191
And I hate it! And it's annoying!

#192
I want you and your boy toy out of my apartment now!

#193
- I'm the boy toy. - You're my boy toy.

#194
No, I'm not gonna leave our apartment

#195
or should I say my apartment 'cause it's my apartment.

#196
Oh, yeah? How about if you guys don't leave,

#197
I call the cops and I tell them you beat me?

#198
What in the hell are you talking about? I didn't touch you.

#199
What-what-what are you doing? What is that?

#200
- I recognize that. What is that? - Oh, shit!

#201
That's from…that's from Fear, dude.

#202
- Oh, that's Marky Mark. - That's Marky Mark.

#203
That's what Marky Mark does. He does that. And then, um…

#204
Oh, shit, and then the cops come and he gets…

#205
The police think that William Peterson… and he gets it.

#206
- The guy from C.S.I… - Go! She means business.

#207
- She means business. - Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

#208
Oh, my God.

#209
You are really making yourself at home here, huh?

#210
Yeah. Sorry.

#211
- You want to have sex? - What? No.

#212
No. God, no. Please close your legs up. That's…

#213
Listen, I-I don't want to get into your personal life, you know what I mean?

#214
It's not really any of my business. But this is really bumming me out, okay?

#215
So here's what I'd like to do.

#216
I'd like to talk game plan with you, okay?

#217
And number one, and most importantly, uh, the car.

#218
Now hear me out. It was kind of a gift.

#219
So it'd be pretty rude of you to try and…

#220
I don't give a shit about the car, okay? My life is in ruins.

#221
- I'm gonna lose my kids. - Okay, great.

#222
So we're in agreement. I keep the car. That's wonderful.

#223
Now secondly, and this is gonna be kind of hard to hear

#224
but, um, get out!

#225
Get out!

#226
You gotta go back to your wife, okay, and get out of my place!

#227
Okay, well, I'm gonna need the car to get over there.

#228
Okay. Well, the car's off the table, okay?

#229
We just discussed the car and we came to an agreement that…

#230
stop bringing up the car, okay?

#231
So I'll get dressed and I'll drive you over there and I'll drop you off.

#232
- Okay. - Okay. Well, get up.

#233
Oh, God. I don't…I don't…okay, I'm gonna go in here. Jesus.

#234
Yeah. You know what I mean, I wouldn't have imagined the whole thing

#235
going down the way it did.

#236
It was a little uncomfortable but I'm glad, you know,

#237
we got our little "heart-to-heart" or whatever you want to call it,

#238
out of the way. I feel like now we can set aside

#239
our differences and settle this whole divorce pretty amicably, you know.

#240
You think it's gonna be that easy, dude?

#241
Well, yeah, of course. I mean, marriage and divorce

#242
these days is like more of a formality than anything else, you know.

#243
It's just sort of something that you do, right?

#244
Don't snap at me, Charlie! You bring nothing to the table!

#245
- Oh! Oh! - Nothing! This is my money!

#246
- I bring nothing to the table! - You bring nothing to the table!

#247
Oh, really? Do you ever stop for one second and think about,

#248
"Hey, hey, where do all of the groceries come from,

#249
- Frank, okay?" - Ohh!

#250
"Oh, how did my laundry get so clean?"

#251
"Oh, oh, who washed all the dishes today?"

#252
Nobody washes the dishes!

#253
We eat the food directly off the coffee table and you know it!

#254
I cannot stand being married to you!

#255
Oh, you can't stand it? I'm gonna pull the plug.

#256
You're gonna flush our marriage down the toilet?

#257
Right down the toilet!

#258
- Flush it, big boy! - Yes! There we go!

#259
Flush it down the toilet 'cause I don't care!

#260
Oh, yeah? I'm gonna pull the plug, but first I'm gonna draw up some documents.

#261
This is gonna be an ugly-ass divorce. We're gonna get a mediator.

#262
Okay, I got it. We'll get that idiot lawyer that helps us out.

#263
- He does good by us. - Yeah, he's excellent.

#264
But he slapped a restraining order on us. We can't use him.

#265
Also, you need a lawyer too. We should talk about that.

#266
I need a lawyer? For what?

#267
How are you not grasping this situation?

#268
- Oh, for the divorce. Yeah. - The divorce.

#269
- You getting a divorce? - Yeah.

#270
All right, so it's going around.

#271
Okay, I think I know someone who will take both our cases.

#272
Ah. Is it you?

#273
Is it? 'Cause if it's you, I'm not interested.

#274
All right. Well, I have a family member who's a lawyer. I bet he'd do it.

#275
It's coming up here. This…yeah, this is it right here.

#276
Ponderosa's Ponderosa.

#277
Could you wait a minute?

#278
I just want to make sure it's okay.

#279
Yeah, you know, whatever it's gonna take to wrap this up, really.

#280
Maureen?

#281
No, it's Dee.

#282
How are things going on your end?

#283
Oh, not bad. Yeah, not bad. I'm getting a divorce.

#284
Well, I know how that goes.

#285
Got a messy situation going on on my end too.

#286
Had to let my guy go. Had to cut him loose.

#287
I tell you what though. I do love the car. Hands-free, Blue…

#288
I can do all kinds of stuff with both hands.

#289
Dennis? Did we get cut off?

#290
- Okay, hop in there. - Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

#291
What is this? What are you doing?

#292
Here he goes. Okay, go, go.

#293
- What? - Go! Go!

#294
Oh, my God!

#295
I'm so glad you called, Charlie.

#296
Your uncle never hears from you anymore.

#297
All right. Well, you're kinda the only actual lawyer I know

#298
you know, who doesn't have a restraining order against me,

#299
- so I sort of had to call you… - Hey, hey, I-I miss you too, bud.

#300
Mmm, with the touching. With the touching. None of that.

#301
You're put off by my hands.

#302
I know they're very small. It's been very hard on me.

#303
There's nothing wrong with your hands, okay?

#304
Can we just focus on the law?

#305
Of course. All right.

#306
As far as shared assets, I'm not seeing much.

#307
- I'm keeping the hot plate! - Over my dead body!

#308
Hey, hey, hey! Easy, boys. Don't let the dog off the leash, okay?

#309
Remember, the bigger man walks away first.

#310
- He can have the hot plate. - Oh! Hot dog!

#311
Now we're cooking with gas!

#312
Moving along to art holdings.

#313
All I'm seeing is a series of drawings of elephants.

#314
- Mmm. - Oh.

#315
Oh, yeah. Well, Charlie did the elephant drawings.

#316
- Yeah, but… - You should keep 'em.

#317
- I did those for you, man. - I like 'em.

#318
Well, you should like 'em. I put a lot of work into 'em.

#319
And thank you for saying you like 'em.

#320
- I've seen 'em, and I like 'em too. - Yeah, they're good.

#321
I'll keep the drawings, okay?

#322
If I didn't know any better,

#323
I'd say there's a lot of love in this room.

#324
Look, Jack, we just want to get back to where we were.

#325
Sounds like what you guys want is an annulment.

#326
It would essentially void your partnership.

#327
- Yeah. Right. That sounds perfect. - Marriage blows.

#328
Preaching to the choir, fellas.

#329
All right. I just need both your signatures on here.

#330
All right, that's easy enough.

#331
Easy-peasy.

#332
One.

#333
Two! We did it!

#334
That's it. Your union has hereby been dissolved.

#335
Why did we have to do all the touching and the hand holding if it was just…

#336
It was fun. Hey, Mac.

#337
You mind snapping a photo for the Web site?

#338
But keep my hands out of the shot. I'll put 'em down here.

#339
You guys. You guys, I need help. I don't know what to do.

#340
I just kidnapped Bill Ponderosa's kids.

#341
All right. Are the kids confined in any way?

#342
Maybe in a crawl space or a backyard bunker?

#343
No. They're out in the car.

#344
Have you touched them yet?

#345
Absolutely not. What… who is this man?

#346
Don't…you're…you don't need to…

#347
- What is she, some cheap tramp? - Oh, no!

#348
Oh, my God! You are such an asshole! I followed you, okay?

#349
- I knew you were seeing someone else! - Honey, no…

#350
Hi. Hi, there. I'm Dee.

#351
Uh, I understand that.

#352
Listen, I want to just say I'm really sorry about-about the kids.

#353
I tell you what, I did not mean to kidnap them.

#354
That was all… that was all this guy.

#355
They're not my kids.

#356
- Aren't you his wife? - No. I'm his mistress.

#357
Well, what the hell, man?

#358
- I'm taking my car back. - Nuh-uh. That's my car.

#359
Actually, I loaned it to both of you ladies.

#360
You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill you!

#361
What? How many mistresses do you have?

#362
- Mistress? - I'm his wife! Kids, let's go.

#363
- Yeah, come on, kids. Let's go home. - No, no, no, no, no.

#364
Not you, Bill. Now I want this to be over with right now!

#365
- So how much does he owe you? - What?

#366
How much does he owe you, whore?

#367
How much does he owe you for the sex?

#368
Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

#369
I'm not a prostitute. I think that's…that's clear.

#370
- You know? - Oh. Well, congratulations.

#371
You're the only woman he didn't have to pay to sleep with.

#372
You must be very proud of yourself.

#373
Wait!

#374
No, no! Oh, goddamn it!

#375
Yeah.

#376
Well, the, uh,

#377
gravity of my situation just set in.

#378
- So… - Let's go get you a divorce, huh?

#379
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. - Yep.

#380
You guys, uh, have any questions?

#381
Yeah, I got a question. What's in the fanny pack?

#382
Oh, check this out, Mac and Dennis.

#383
Just a little victory dance.

#384
Thought maybe we could hang out later.

#385
No…um…

#386
Oh, Mr. Reynolds.

#387
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. What are you doing here?

#388
Well, when I heard you were getting divorced,

#389
I…I felt compelled to involve myself.

#390
I'm sorry. How would you have heard that I was getting a divorce?

#391
I-I-I may have told him.

#392
You know I so enjoyed listening to you drunkenly explain all that at 3:00 a.m.

#393
I enjoyed it so much that I tracked down Maureen here

#394
and I offered her my services, pro bono, of course.

#395
Hold on, fellas.

#396
I'm Jack Kelly. I'm a lawyer.

#397
Hello, Jack Kelly. The pleasure is all mine.

#398
It's a pleasure to meet you.

#399
The pleasure's still…

#400
- Why don't we just get started? - Why don't we just get started?

#401
Ahh.

#402
- Boy, the old place, huh? - Uhh…

#403
- Yeah. - Some good memories here.

#404
All of us.

#405
Hey, um…

#406
- So I was like… - I'm gonna go.

#407
No, no, no. No, stick around, dude. Stick…stick around.

#408
- Please don't… - I don't want to though.

#409
- No, you should stay. - Yeah.

#410
- Shea butter. - Oh.

#411
- Assorted lanolin products. - Oh, God.

#412
I'm serious. You could be a hand model. You've got the goods.

#413
Well, that was quick, guys.

#414
Open-and-shut case, Dennis.

#415
- Okay. - Did you get the apartment back?

#416
I sure did.

#417
You did? You did?

#418
And you also acquired Miss Ponderosa's debt.

#419
What? You're in debt?

#420
Not anymore. But you are. About 90K.

#421
This guy seems to think you don't have a case,

#422
- and I'm inclined to agree with him. - Yeah.

#423
Well, when I found out that Miss Ponderosa here had been cast out

#424
of her marital home,

#425
I-I only thought it was fair that you assumed her debt

#426
in addition to the alimony payments, of course.

#427
Wait a second. So I gotta pay alimony payments? Uncle Jack, what the hell?

#428
I-I froze up. He's great.

#429
Oh, congratulations, Ms. Ponderosa.

#430
Oh, congratulations to you.

#431
See you around, Dennis.

#432
- Yeah. - Mac.

#433
Hey, Mac, would you mind taking a shot

#434
of the three of us for the Web site?

#435
Come on, Dennis.

#436
And would it be okay if you put your hands on top of mine,

#437
- like they're my hands? - Like that?

#438
- Yes. - Okay.

#439
- That looks like my hands. - Yeah.

#440
For the Web site.

#441
We're lawyers.

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