Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E03 — The Gang Buys a Boat

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 3 — The Gang Buys a Boat

#1
Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us.,

#2
Yes. This shouldn't take long. Uh-uh.

#3
- So, you'd like to buy a boat. - Yes. We have recently

#4
come into a considerable amount of money.

#5
Now, we're not gonna bore you with the details,

#6
but let's just say my friends here set off on a certain towel venture…

#7
- Dicktowel.com. - Yeah.

#8
Actually, you're not supposed to talk about the name of it.

#9
That's true. But…yeah, technically, we're doing a couple of things

#10
on the hush-hush from Uncle Sam.

#11
The point is, we're flush.

#12
We are $2,500 flush, so don't worry about that.

#13
We'd like to take some of that money

#14
- and taste a little bit of the high life. - Absolutely.

#15
We've also talked our friend into throwing his entire life savings into the venture.

#16
That's right. You see, I'm in it for the lifestyle…

#17
as well as the great investment.

#18
Okay. Well, then what is it you guys are looking for?

#19
Let's talk needs, please. I'd like to talk needs first.

#20
Now, I have the need for speed. It's very important. It's inherent.

#21
There's nothing I can do about it, so speed is a must.

#22
Absolutely. But we are also looking to entertain guests upon this boat, so…

#23
Yeah. We're gonna throw some P. Diddy-style parties up on the deck.

#24
Um, can we talk shrimp for a minute?

#25
I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp.

#26
Sort of a Forrest Gump size amount of shrimp.

#27
Um, you should be writing this down, I think.

#28
Why are you not writing this down?

#29
Oh, uh, let me just see if I have this right here.

#30
And, please, correct me if I'm wrong.

#31
It seems like what you guys are looking for

#32
is some sort of a P. Diddy-style shrimping vessel.

#33
Oh, right! You're a really good listener,

#34
and I didn't peg you for one when I walked in here

#35
'cause of the pinky ring, but that's great.

#36
You know, I've got just the boat for you.

#37
Well, here she is, the Drowning Sailor.

#38
But, uh, it doesn't meet, well, any of your specs.

#39
Look, I'm gonna level with you, pal.

#40
We saw this comin' a mile away.

#41
We've had our hearts set on this boat thing for days now,

#42
which, in our world, is a level of focus

#43
in which I personally have never experienced.

#44
But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say…

#45
- We'll take it! - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

#46
What are you doing? I was doing a thing.

#47
- You're takin' a long time, dude. - You're taking way too long.

#48
We wanted to buy a boat. Let's get the boat.

#49
It was taking a little while because I was doing a presentation…

#50
Dennis, what if someone walks down the deck and makes an offer before us?

#51
Nobody's gonna make an offer before I finish my thing.

#52
They might have. We're not the only people in town that want a boat.

#53
I'm confused. Are you gonna take the boat or not?

#54
Yes, we're taking the boat, we're buying the boat.

#55
I wanted to add a little fanfare into the situation,

#56
but my friends here couldn't wait for that.

#57
Yes, we're…we're taking the boat.

#58
What a score!

#59
- Houseboat, huh? - Yeah. Abso…

#60
well, the houseboat offers all the advantages of a house,

#61
but with the excitement of the sea.

#62
- Think of all the fish we're gonna catch. - Not just fish, Frank.

#63
You gotta start thinking about shrimp, okay?

#64
We're gonna be hauling in so much shrimp every day

#65
it's gonna pay for itself 10 times over.

#66
Picture tiny shrimp crawling all over this boat, every inch of it.

#67
Okay. But, guys, can we not focus on the shrimp?

#68
'Cause we have so much work to do.

#69
It's a shrimp boat. I'd like to have at least one conversation about shrimp.

#70
No, no, shrimp is a very small aspect of the whole…

#71
- Most important part of the… - No, you know,

#72
I tell you what, shrimp or no shrimp, I'm very excited about it.

#73
- Yeah. - And I say we take this lady

#74
- out onto the sea and get loaded. - Well, slow your roll there, Dee.

#75
The lady's not quite ready to go out to the sea yet.

#76
There's a lot of prep work that still has to be done.

#77
So, actually, Frank and Charlie, I want you to start

#78
by scraping the barnacles off the bottom of the boat,

#79
'cause that probably hasn't been done in years,

#80
while Dee and Mac and I go into the inside

#81
and check out the decor situation.

#82
- Huh? - Mmm.

#83
- One word. - Shrimp.

#84
Okay. Yeah. No. Just as I suspected.

#85
We got our work cut out for us, guys.

#86
This isn't Diddy-esque at all.

#87
No. No. We gotta get rid of all this shit.

#88
Are you guys crazy? This boat is awesome.

#89
How about a little of this?

#90
Huh?

#91
What the hell is that?

#92
This? That's my P. Diddy boat dance. Uh-huh!

#93
You look like one of those inflatable dancing things at the used-car lot,

#94
- the ones that flail around in the wind. - No, I don't. I look good.

#95
No, Dee. That's exactly what you look like.

#96
I promise you that's what you look like. You can't dance for shit.

#97
I can dance, and you don't know what you're talking about.

#98
I'm gonna bring one in so you can see it.

#99
Okay. Why don't you bring the guy in. We'll have a dance competition.

#100
I'm gonna be the judge of that contest.

#101
There's not gonna be a contest. No, stop. Everybody stop. Shut up!

#102
No. No, nobody's bringing any trashy inflatable man on this boat.

#103
Absolutely not. Dee, stop dancing.

#104
You look like an asshole.

#105
We're not there yet. We have a lot of work to do first.

#106
Okay, Dee, since you didn't invest any money in this venture,

#107
you're gonna be the one that's got to do all the hard labor here,

#108
so I need you to get rid of all this shit, and make the boat look nice, okay?

#109
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hard work? What are you talking about?

#110
Work first, and then you can do your weird,

#111
inflatable tube-man P. Diddy dance.

#112
Or whatever it is.

#113
You know what I'm looking forward to

#114
is catching me some Delaware River catfish.

#115
- Oh, yeah! - They are so tasty!

#116
I used to eat 'em when I was a kid.

#117
You can't buy 'em in the stores no more.

#118
- Why is that? - The goddamned E.P.A.

#119
They says they're toxic.

#120
Toxic, my ass. I mean, they're just endangered.

#121
- Frank… - They're tasty, man.

#122
…this boat is the best investment I ever made, man.

#123
I mean, it's huge!

#124
Hey, guys, uh, we're gonna pop over to the boat store real quick

#125
and grab some, uh…whoa!

#126
What the hell are you guys doing?

#127
We're loading our gear.

#128
No, no, no, no. You should not be loading.

#129
No one should be bringing anything onto the boat.

#130
- You should be scraping, okay? So scrape. - Yes.

#131
Oh, well, we're gonna scrape the boat. We are gonna scrape the boat.

#132
Are you patronizing me?

#133
Don't patronize me. Don't do that.

#134
Dude, no one's patronizing you, all right?

#135
Look, here's what we'll do.

#136
We'll scrape all these little delicious oysters

#137
or whatever off the side of the boat.

#138
We'll put them on a pot, we'll boil 'em up before you get back.

#139
- We'll cook 'em for you. - There you go.

#140
No, no, those are barnacles. Do not eat those.

#141
And do not cook them in a pot and serve them to us.

#142
- Okay, all that. - Don't do it.

#143
Honestly, don't eat those.

#144
- You'll get very, very sick, okay? - Yeah.

#145
Now that is a direct order from your captain.

#146
Whoa! Since when are you the captain?

#147
Well, clearly I'm the captain. Who else would be the captain?

#148
I feel like I would be the captain. Dennis?

#149
- I don't give a shit. - I'm captain! I called it! Locked in.

#150
Boom. Scrape. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

#151
I ain't scraping shit.

#152
- No, we're not scraping! - No, no scraping.

#153
Here's what we're gonna do.

#154
- We're going to fire up the boat, right? - Yeah.

#155
We're gonna take it out into the ocean. We're gonna get some oysters.

#156
And shrimp. And shrimpies!

#157
- Toss me the keys. - Here you go.

#158
What the hell was that?

#159
It's the keys. I threw 'em right at ya.

#160
I asked you to toss 'em! You threw 'em overhand!

#161
- That's the way I throw. - Well, jump in there and get 'em.

#162
- I'm not going in there. I don't sink. - What?

#163
I get in there, I just bob around like a cauliflower.

#164
Don't give me lines, man. Jump in the ocean

#165
- and get the damn keys. - No, I'm not going in.

#166
Charlie, I'm not going in. I mean, it's your boat. You go on in.

#167
You son of a bitch.

#168
All right.

#169
- Yo. - Hey, buddy.

#170
Uh, I got us some turpentine, some wax and some high-gloss boat paint.

#171
- This shit is really expensive. - Dude, you're telling me.

#172
I picked us up some new slacks and Docksiders

#173
so we could have the right look and fit in and everything.

#174
We're running pretty low on remaining dick towel money though.

#175
Plus we got to fill that thing up with gas.

#176
I know, man. We got to pop by the department store,

#177
pick up the mattress.

#178
I want to get a nice one too, you know.

#179
The what? The mattress? What do we need a mattress for?

#180
What do you mean what do we need a mattress for?

#181
Why in the hell did you think we just spent all that money on a boat?

#182
The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place

#183
was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside,

#184
so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck

#185
and, you know, they can't refuse,

#186
because of the implication.

#187
Oh. Uh, okay.

#188
You had me going there for the first part.

#189
The second half kind of threw me.

#190
Well, dude, dude, think about it.

#191
She's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows.

#192
You know, she looks around, and what does she see?

#193
Nothing but open ocean.

#194
"Ah, there's nowhere for me to run.

#195
What am I going to do, say no?"

#196
Okay. That…

#197
- That seems really dark. - No, it's not dark.

#198
You're misunderstanding me, bro.

#199
- I think I am. - Yeah, you are.

#200
Because if the girl said no,

#201
- then the answer obviously is no. - No.

#202
The thing is, she's not gonna say no.

#203
She would never say no, because of the implication.

#204
Now, you've said that word "implication" a couple of times.

#205
Wh…What implication?

#206
The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me.

#207
Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her,

#208
but she's thinking that they will.

#209
But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you.

#210
- Why aren't you understanding this? - I don't…

#211
She doesn't know whether she wants to have sex with me.

#212
That's not the issue. Are you gonna hurt women?

#213
- I'm not going to hurt these women. - Oh, okay.

#214
- Why would I ever hurt these women? - I don't know.

#215
- I feel like you're not getting this. - I'm not getting it.

#216
Goddamn.

#217
Don't you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.

#218
- So they are in danger? - No one's in any danger.

#219
How can I make that any more clear to you?

#220
Okay, it's an implication of danger.

#221
- You know what? Just drop it. - Let's drop it.

#222
Buy your shit and let's get out of here.

#223
Oh, Charlie. Charlie, you got 'em?

#224
- No keys. Can't find 'em. - What?

#225
- I found a couple cool things. - What?

#226
- I got a tooth. - Ooh, look at that.

#227
- It's like a horse's tooth or something. - Ah, yeah.

#228
- And look at this bullet. - Ooh! This is a war relic.

#229
This could be valuable.

#230
What the hell happened down there? Some kind of horse massacre?

#231
- Could be. - Could be, right?

#232
- Yeah. - There's so much cool shit down there,

#233
I'm gonna keep diving, looking for it.

#234
I need a flashlight 'cause it's dark.

#235
Flashlight coming up.

#236
Just toss it to me real quick.

#237
- Come on, man. - I throw overhand, Charlie. Ooh.

#238
Stop

#239
Drop

#240
Shut 'em down open up shop

#241
Oh

#242
What the hell are you doing in here?

#243
Aw, just throwing all these old, like,

#244
dolls and compasses and hair brushes and shit overboard.

#245
Mac and Dennis are making me clean up.

#246
- Well, this is a shit-hole, isn't it? - Yeah.

#247
- Maybe we should gut it. - All right.

#248
Let's see. Ooh.

#249
Ah! Here we go.

#250
Now let's see. Start with this beautiful baby here.

#251
Whoa!

#252
Crash and burn.

#253
Holy mackerel.

#254
Die, you sucker!

#255
Oh, baby, look out.

#256
Whoa!

#257
That ain't good.

#258
Whoa, Christ!

#259
Think about, like, all the movies and the books

#260
and all the stories of all the terrible, awful, awful things

#261
that have happened out in the middle of the ocean.

#262
You know, that's the stuff that's rattling around in her head,

#263
you know, informing her decision as to whether she sleeps with me or not.

#264
That's all I'm saying. It's not like a big thing or…

#265
Uh-huh.

#266
Look, I need you to understand this, okay?

#267
You're making it seem like I'm some sort of monster.

#268
Yeah, okay.

#269
Hey, wha… what is going on in there?

#270
- Like this? - It's more like a rolling sway.

#271
Like this? Here you go.

#272
What the hell are you guys doing in here?

#273
Oh, my God. What the hell did you do to our boat?

#274
- Uh, we were cleaning it. - What…What…

#275
What's that all about?

#276
You're just breaking everything in this boat.

#277
You were supposed to be fixing it up and making it look nice.

#278
Crew meeting! Crew meeting!

#279
- Where is Charlie? - He's in the water.

#280
What is he doing in the water?

#281
Charlie.

#282
- Oh, dude, what are you doing? - Oh, hey, guys, come here.

#283
You are not going to believe how much cool shit is under the boat.

#284
There's like a whole world of ancient stuff.

#285
There was a horse massacre in the Revolutionary time,

#286
and then there's like a pirate ship.

#287
Like, I found all these old pretty little dolls. She's pretty, right?

#288
- No. - Maybe like a brush,

#289
- like a pirate was brushing his hair… - No!

#290
…killed a horse and then jumped in the ocean.

#291
- Goddamn it! - I've been cleaning up in there for hours

#292
throwing this shit overboard, and you're just dragging it all back up.

#293
You've been dumping the trash in the ocean?

#294
Wait, wait. Why are you swimming in the water in the first place?

#295
- He dropped the keys in the water. - No, I did not.

#296
All right, first of all, he threw the keys at me overhand.

#297
You should have seen this throw.

#298
We leave you guys alone for 45 minutes,

#299
and you destroy the interior of the boat, you lose the keys…

#300
I can get those keys.

#301
I need you guys to buy some scuba equipment

#302
- so I can stay down there longer. - Do you realize

#303
how much money scuba equipment costs?

#304
No. Rent the cheap stuff.

#305
Just rent some cheap stuff, all right?

#306
In the meantime, we'll clear all this stuff off.

#307
We'll start to paint, all right?

#308
By the time you guys come back, I promise you, I promise,

#309
the boat will be looking better.

#310
I can't tell. Is he patronizing me again?

#311
- I can't even tell anymore. - No. No.

#312
What he's saying is really stupid, but it's sincere, okay?

#313
It's sincere this time. You're just a little sensitive to it now.

#314
- Sorry, Charlie. - I'm sorry too.

#315
That was patronizing! You can't patronize your captain.

#316
- Come on. Come on. - That's a sea law.

#317
Yo, dude.

#318
You realize how much boating equipment costs?

#319
It's crazy. It's astronomical.

#320
I can't believe how much they charge for this shit.

#321
You know, Dee, Frank and Charlie are driving me crazy.

#322
We're spending all of our dick towel money.

#323
They're throwing keys into the water and losing everything.

#324
You're not even listening to me.

#325
No, I heard you. You said a bunch of words, right?

#326
Look at this.

#327
What is that? It's like some kind of dock party mixer, dude.

#328
It's a flyer. Look at these chicks. And an anchor.

#329
Dude, that's what we need to be doing.

#330
We need to mix it up at mixers with other boat people

#331
and living the lifestyle.

#332
You're right. Okay, cool.

#333
And then we'll be back in the high life again.

#334
- Yeah. - Like Stevie Nicks.

#335
Yeah…no, that's actually Steve Winwood.

#336
- Right. Same dude, right? - It's not the same dude.

#337
Actually, one's not even a dude.

#338
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.

#339
It doesn't matter, dude. I love that song. Let's buy that CD.

#340
Well, first of all, I love that song too.

#341
That's why I already own the CD.

#342
I own all of Steve Winwood's shit. You should know this.

#343
And secondly, we have not been on the same page all day.

#344
We can't be spending money on CDs that I already own.

#345
We're spending too much money as it is.

#346
It's bad enough I let you buy that stupid inflatable guy from the car lot.

#347
Wanna get dirty

#348
Stop it!

#349
Stop it! Goddamn it, don't!

#350
It's not the puffy guy. It's this music.

#351
- This aggressive music you're playing. - Huh?

#352
This is not boat music.

#353
It's got nothing to do with the music.

#354
Listen to me. Listen to me!

#355
I'm turning it off.

#356
Riled you up.

#357
- Yo, you guys. - Look at you, fighting with a green guy.

#358
You're never going to believe what I just found floating

#359
off the end of the boat.

#360
Okay, I'm scraping those little delicious oysters

#361
- off the bottom, right? - Hey. Hey!

#362
- Why is this turned off? - You're back. You don't even…

#363
Well, well, I got to say, guys, I'm very impressed.

#364
The boat's really starting to come along.

#365
I didn't think you guys had it in you.

#366
Yeah, there's a couple more brushes here and a little paint.

#367
Get to work. We'll do the trim and then we'll be done.

#368
Us? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

#369
- We're not going to be doing any of that. - No, no, no.

#370
You're not gonna be doing any of that? What do you mean?

#371
We're not gonna be doing any of the work.

#372
That's what you guys are doing. That was the whole deal.

#373
- No, we got a party to get ready for. - Yeah.

#374
Wait, what, we're going to do all the work while you guys go to a party?

#375
- We got to socialize. - Yeah.

#376
I could socialize.

#377
Uh, no. Not looking like you're looking.

#378
You're covered in paint and dirt and grime and all kinds of shit.

#379
Your skin looks like leather and you got blisters all over your lips.

#380
- You guys look absolutely terrible. - Wow.

#381
Well, we're out of here.

#382
So, Charlie,

#383
there's your, uh, here's your scuba gear.

#384
Find the keys. Just find 'em.

#385
Oh, guys, keep up the good work.

#386
See, now they flipped it around.

#387
They're patronizing us.

#388
- They're absolutely patronizing us, Frank. - That's right.

#389
But don't take it to heart, 'cause I got something

#390
that's going to cheer you up.

#391
- What? - Guess who found the keys.

#392
- The keys! - You found the keys!

#393
They were just floating under the boat. They got a little floaty thing.

#394
This is amazing, by the way, these floaty things.

#395
- We should patent this. - Yeah, it's great.

#396
Okay, I think this is it. Now this is much more our speed.

#397
These are the kind of people we should be hanging out with.

#398
Man, now this is a boat.

#399
Ahoy, ahoy.

#400
Hi. Hi. A couple of fellow yachters.

#401
Saw your flyer at the boat…store.

#402
Oh.

#403
Do…Do we have the wrong yacht?

#404
No, no, no. Come on in. Grab a drink.

#405
We're just getting warmed up.

#406
- Okay. - Sure. We'll just…

#407
Yeah.

#408
- Uh, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.

#409
Um, this isn't the crowd I was expecting.

#410
These guys are more barnacle covered and sunburned than Dee and Frank.

#411
Let's not rush to judgment, okay?

#412
These are real men of the sea.

#413
Maybe this whole thing isn't about meeting girls.

#414
Maybe it's about having an adventure, you know?

#415
An open-ocean adventure.

#416
Take a look at this guy. How'd he lose that hand?

#417
I bet you it was some kind of crazy adventure, right?

#418
Let's find out.

#419
Yeah. Let's go talk to him.

#420
Hey, bro, how'd you lose that hand?

#421
Diabetes.

#422
Oh.

#423
Um…

#424
That's not, uh, much of an adventure, is it?

#425
- Mmm. - Kind of tragic.

#426
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#427
You know, we'll let you get back to…

#428
we're gonna go over to the bar and grab a drink.

#429
I'd offer to pour you a drink, but you probably can't drink though

#430
with the, uh,

#431
- diabetes. - Diabetes.

#432
- Uh, yeah. - Yeah.

#433
Okay, you know what? I was wrong, dude.

#434
- This is a bummer. - Yeah, this is a major bummer.

#435
Let's get the hell out of here. What do you say?

#436
Hey, listen guys, thanks for everything. I think we're just gonna take off though.

#437
No, no, no, no. Don't do that.

#438
We're just getting warmed up.

#439
We're going to set sail soon,

#440
and we're going to have a couple of tasty treats out there.

#441
It's going to get nuts out there, fellas, right?

#442
We're going to be out on open ocean, right?

#443
Huh? Anything can happen out there.

#444
No laws. Right, boys?

#445
Just us and our tasty treats.

#446
Okay. That was an implication, right?

#447
That was definitely the implication.

#448
Tasty treats? Are we the tasty treats?

#449
- We're the tasty treats in this scenario. - Yes, we're the tasty treats.

#450
They're gonna take us out into the open ocean.

#451
They're going to have their way with us, Mac.

#452
We gotta get out of here.

#453
Is this how you wanted those women to feel?

#454
No. You know what? I don't enjoy having this conversation with you.

#455
I feel like you're lumping me in with them.

#456
Now, gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.

#457
- Whoo! Yeah. - The ladies have arrived.

#458
* I'll be back in the high life again *

#459
* All the doors I closed one time *

#460
* Will open up again *

#461
* I'll be back in the high life again *

#462
Oh, Frank, you were absolutely right.

#463
This is boat music.

#464
Yeah, this is the kind of music you ought to listen to.

#465
I am learning some amazing moves from this guy.

#466
Yeah, you're doing great.

#467
You got the moves.

#468
Does anybody want any more catfish?

#469
Yo, dude, definitely give me another one of those.

#470
They're delicious! And you can taste

#471
- that sort of endangered tang. - That's it.

#472
Oh, hold on. I'm getting a call.

#473
Y'ello.

#474
Hey, Charlie, did you guys ever find those keys?

#475
Yeah, man, I did, actually. I did. Can you believe that?

#476
Okay, great.

#477
I need you to grab Frank and Dee and get the hell out of there,

#478
because we're gonna be bringing back a couple of tasty treats,

#479
if you know what I'm saying.

#480
Hey, man, yeah. Absolutely.

#481
I'll get right on that.

#482
- What? - That's how you patronize someone

#483
- right there. - What, what, what, what, what?

#484
Dennis being a dick. Don't worry about it, man.

#485
Hey, this scuba equipment's broken. It's useless.

#486
The hell with it. Let's get back to shrimping.

#487
I'm gonna toss this shit. It's crap anyway.

#488
Ooh, that's not good.

#489
Uh, hey, um, what do you do if the boat is on fire?

#490
- What do you mean? - Boat is on fire.

#491
- Oh, fire's getting bigger. - What?

#492
- Fire's getting big. - Go!

#493
Fire's getting big.

#494
- Help! - Holy shit!

#495
- Find some water. - Find some water?

#496
- Find some water. - What do you mean find some water?

#497
- There's water everywhere. - Help!

#498
Help us.

#499
I cannot wait to get you ladies out into the sea.

#500
It's so much more romantic in the middle of nowhere,

#501
where we can be completely alone,

#502
and you can make rash decisions based on fear.

#503
Right, Dennis?

#504
Uh, yeah. Yeah.

#505
Oh…

#506
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#507
I thought we told you guys to beat it.

#508
Out of my way. No more Diddy boat.

#509
Damn catfish nipping at my heels all the way…

#510
endangered, my ass.

#511
- There's a billion of them out there. - Ugh. What the hell happened?

#512
That was a hell of a swim.

#513
Charlie, where's the boat? What happened to the boat?

#514
It's right there.

#515
This was a terrible investment. Whew!

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