Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E04 — Mac's Big Break

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 4 — Mac's Big Break

#1
93.3, WMMR.

#2
Back with the Preston and Steve Show.

#3
Listen up. We've got to open up the phone lines.

#4
The first listener who can correctly answer

#5
our stupid trivia question of the day

#6
is gonna get to come down to the Flyers game with us tomorrow night

#7
and take a shot from center ice.

#8
Now, if you make it, you win two VIP passes

#9
to the 93.3 WMMR Beach House

#10
for our Start of Summer Blowout!

#11
Who would want to spend a weekend at a beach house with these idiots?

#12
Dude, nothing but busy signals.

#13
I'm on hold on all of 'em. We're gonna get through.

#14
You're on hold on those?

#15
Hey, who's on the line?

#16
Uh, uh, Mac from South Philly!

#17
All right, Mac from South Philly,

#18
you're on with Preston and Steve!

#19
- Holy shit! He got on! - Holy shit! I got on!

#20
Please don't curse. All right, here's the question.

#21
What Philadelphia Flyer

#22
holds the franchise record for goals in a season?

#23
You have 30 seconds. Go!

#24
- This is a hockey question! - Go, go! Hockey, hockey!

#25
Where's the "H" key? There's no "H" key!

#26
- There's no "H" Key. - What are you talking about?

#27
Is there another way to spell "hockey" with no "H"?

#28
- There's no "H" key! - There's an "H" right there!

#29
Why did I put you in charge of this job?

#30
Oh, forget this, dude. I got this. I got this.

#31
Think, Mac. Think. Think. Think.

#32
I gotta think like that guy, that guy that sits on the rock.

#33
This dude? The one like that?

#34
Yeah, with the big muscles. He puts his hand on his…

#35
He's big, green and gets angry.

#36
- The Thinker? - The Thinker.

#37
Oh, the Hulk! The Incredible Hulk!

#38
Hulk doesn't think at all! Shit, I know this.

#39
Dude, you gotta stop cursing.

#40
You guys can't censor me, okay? I'm a bit of a badass.

#41
All right, let's go! Answer the question! Come on!

#42
I don't know. I don't know it. Damn it! Reggie Leach.

#43
Reggie Leach is the…

#44
Correct answer!

#45
Wow!

#46
Center ice shot, baby!

#47
We're goin' to the beach house

#48
Gonna make our dreams come true

#49
Down at the beach house is what we're gonna

#50
Do-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Yeah!

#51
This is a potentially life-changing opportunity.

#52
Not potentially. It is a life-changing opportunity. It is!

#53
I'm sorry. How is spending a weekend

#54
at a radio show beach house a life-changing opportunity?

#55
Dude, there is gonna be so many

#56
athletes and celebrities at that beach house.

#57
This is my chance to finally sow myself into the inner circle.

#58
I'm gonna be like a local sports legend.

#59
- Hey, can we have our phones back? - Yeah.

#60
Oh, yeah, yeah.

#61
Why don't you get on 'em about using the minutes on the cell phones?

#62
They used up all your minutes. Right?

#63
Frank, nobody gives a shit about minutes anymore.

#64
Actually, you know what? I do give a shit about minutes.

#65
I know I shouldn't and I think I'm just probably buying into

#66
the phone company's propaganda.

#67
But there you go. Interesting.

#68
What is happening here? Why are you taping them?

#69
Because they got great banter.

#70
They jib-jab. Jib-jab, jib-jab, jib-jab.

#71
I use it for the car because my stereo's busted.

#72
We have a lot of interesting things to say, so, you know.

#73
Oh, shit, I feel like

#74
the conversation we've been having the last five minutes

#75
is a lot more interesting than the shit they're talking about on the radio.

#76
You kidding me? Just moronic commentary and stupid sound effects.

#77
And it's dumb. It doesn't make any sense.

#78
Well, we have voices. We talk about the issues, you know?

#79
I feel like we could do a podcast and it would be a million times better

#80
than whatever that drivel was we were listening to.

#81
Without a doubt.

#82
You know what? This sounds like jealousy talk.

#83
Yeah.

#84
"Mac, Charlie, congratulations on your slap shot and the beach house. Okay?

#85
"Uh, we're happy for you."

#86
- You're sad sometimes. You're dark souls. - Why aren't you happy for us?

#87
- You wanna just do our thing and let… - Let's do our thing.

#88
Have fun with your important conversations and your big issues

#89
with your brains and your smart stuff, okay?

#90
- We got hockey to learn! - And we're gonna…

#91
- And it's gonna change our lives. - Life-changing!

#92
Okay. It was The Thinker. It's The Thinker.

#93
- You couldn't spell hockey. - Right.

#94
Oh! Zing! Boom-boom!

#95
Hold on a second. You guys are the best.

#96
Do not speak until I turn my tape over.

#97
Okay.

#98
Oh, shit!

#99
I taped over my Luther Vandross mix!

#100
Argh!

#101
Okay, dude, now we're both in agreement.

#102
This is probably, like, the biggest opportunity

#103
either of us have ever had in our lives, right?

#104
We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, Charlie.

#105
- The few we've had, we've squandered. - We've squandered 'em all.

#106
That's why we gotta stay focused, Mac. I mean, this is pro sports, right.

#107
- We gotta do this right and look good. - Yeah.

#108
And you can't miss that shot, right?

#109
- I really appreciate you helping me, dude. - Absolutely.

#110
Well, a little pee-wee hockey experience never hurts.

#111
- You're good. - Okay, so first things first.

#112
- Hold the hockey stick. - Hold the hockey stick.

#113
- Mmm-hmm. - Okay, good. 'Cause I was thinking

#114
I'd have a position sort of like this.

#115
Why would you do that?

#116
All of my instincts and my training tell me to use this as a weapon.

#117
All of your instincts and your training are wrong.

#118
Hold it like a hockey stick or people are going to boo you.

#119
- The Philly fans are brutal, dude. - All right, fine!

#120
All right? Right. Then you just sort of haunch down a little bit.

#121
- Okay? Can you… - Done.

#122
You might wanna hau… You look stiff like a…

#123
You look like a GI Joe action figure. Loosen up. And haunch.

#124
- What if I do this? - That's way stiffer!

#125
- That's pretty good right there, Charlie. - You look so awkward.

#126
Bro, when you tack on mass

#127
you sacrifice flexibility. That's just a straight-up fact!

#128
That's insane! Touch your toes!

#129
What am I, a gymnast?

#130
Charlie, teach me how to shoot the shot!

#131
All right, fine, fine. Calm down. All right. All right.

#132
What you're gonna want to do

#133
is just gently, gently sort of guide the puck at the net,

#134
like, you know, like a tiny bowl of cream you don't want to spill

#135
and you're guiding it.

#136
I'm not gonna do that.

#137
I'm gonna go out there and take a wicked slap shot. You know?

#138
Really make a name for myself. Otherwise I go out there, I look like a jabroni.

#139
You know what? Yeah. We might wanna work on some kind of routine, huh?

#140
Thank you. Exactly. So I'll go out there, I showcase my weaponry.

#141
Uh-huh. Pump the crowd up.

#142
Really get the crowd up. And raise the roof. Huh?

#143
Okay.

#144
But you know what? You can't take a slap shot before you even know

#145
how to handle a stick and a puck.

#146
So will you just glide one? Just to get the form.

#147
And then we'll get bigger and bigger and eventually slap shots.

#148
But it starts with gliding like cream. Go!

#149
Gliding like a jabroni is what I'm gonna be doing.

#150
Jabroni. Okay, go.

#151
Well, that didn't do anything. That was pretty pathetic. You're right.

#152
Well, the problem is, I'm out in the elements, dude.

#153
There's so much wind and sun.

#154
And this asphalt. That's not regulation.

#155
- No, it's not regulation. - So it's not gonna slide.

#156
All right, you know what?

#157
You wanna do this the right way?

#158
- Yeah. - Let's go to the ice.

#159
Let's get some pucks. All right?

#160
We'll slide, we'll take a few slap shots. We'll do this the right way.

#161
- Let's go to the ice. - Let's go to the ice.

#162
All right, very exciting stuff.

#163
I think we're pretty much ready to go here with this podcast.

#164
What the hell is a podcast? Why don't you just tape it?

#165
What are you doing?

#166
You don't have to tape it these days, Frank.

#167
You just record it right onto the computer.

#168
And once we start recording, Frank,

#169
I'm gonna need you to stop eating those crackers.

#170
It's incredibly annoying, and it's all anyone's gonna be able to hear.

#171
So, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here.

#172
Inaugural podcast.

#173
We're talking technology today. The big "T".

#174
Absolutely. Everyone's talking about technology these days,

#175
because it's everywhere.

#176
- Oh, it is. You can't escape it. - You absolutely can't.

#177
Dee, tell us what you feel about technology.

#178
What's your opinion on it?

#179
My opinion?

#180
Dead air!

#181
- Could you ease up on the crackers? - I'm gettin' bored with this.

#182
- I'm gonna bring my guest in. - Guest?

#183
I asked Cricket to come. Cricket. He's outside.

#184
Cricket? No!

#185
Frank, you can't just bring guests in here!

#186
This is our podcast! I feel like you're trying to take over!

#187
No, you know what? Actually this could bring up a pretty good issue.

#188
If you bring Cricket in here we could rail on him about the homeless issue.

#189
- Cricket! - Cricks.

#190
- Yo. - There he is.

#191
Come on in, buddy, we're ready for you.

#192
Hey, Frank, where's my chicken?

#193
This is taking forever. Come on.

#194
- I promised him a rotisserie chicken. - Let's go. Chop-chop.

#195
- I'm starving here. - What's going on with your voice?

#196
It's from when Frank hit me with the trash can.

#197
Wound got infected. It was a whole ordeal.

#198
Okay, all right, well, uh, listen, let's get into the issues here.

#199
We're gonna start rolling on this, Cricket.

#200
Oh, no, no, no, no.

#201
I am not saying another word until I get the chicken.

#202
- I lied about the chicken, Crick. - Are you kidding me?

#203
- It was bullshit. - Oh, my God. Unbelievable.

#204
Why do I even trust you?

#205
All right, wait a minute. Here. I do have something for you.

#206
- Lemons. - Lemons?

#207
Yeah. You suck on 'em.

#208
Come on. At least give me the crackers.

#209
No, suck on a lemon. Here. Go ahead.

#210
Well, they are good for scurvy.

#211
All right, I'll have a few lemons. But then I'm out of here.

#212
All right, here we go.

#213
So, uh, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here.

#214
We are talking about the homeless issue here in Philly.

#215
That's a big issue these days, and we're here with our friend Cricket.

#216
He is a homeless man. Cricket, walk us through a day in your life.

#217
Oh, a day in the life.

#218
Well, uh, the other morning

#219
I wake up, I find a dog sniffin' at my wound.

#220
- Mmm. - He's fully aroused, mind you.

#221
So I'm thinking, "Oh, great, "You know, "What does this jerk want?"

#222
'Course I know what he wants. He's lookin' at me right in the eyes.

#223
He does not have to say it.

#224
Not that he could.

#225
Oh, that is… That is tart!

#226
That is really tart.

#227
I mean, does my scar

#228
look like a dog's vagina?

#229
You know? Maybe. I don't know. I'm not gonna sit here

#230
and try to get inside the mind of a dog.

#231
I mean, that's God's work.

#232
Well, not that I believe in God.

#233
I don't. Not since that Chinaman stole my kidney.

#234
Cricket, tell Dee how much you think she's ugly.

#235
That's not gonna make any sense, Frank.

#236
He doesn't think I'm ugly. He's madly in love with me.

#237
Don't flatter yourself. I'm over you, sister.

#238
- Since when? - Since I found out you are a whore.

#239
Will you stop talking about this!

#240
This has nothing to do…

#241
Well, maybe you're a whore, you stupid, ugly, homeless bitch!

#242
- Zing! - A dog banged your neck the other day!

#243
- You're both whores! - This is great radio!

#244
At least someone's banging my vagina! You know what I'm saying?

#245
Get into it! Get into it!

#246
This is not good radio!

#247
All right.

#248
Okay, this is exciting, Mac! This is exciting!

#249
- You know? You're… What are you doing? - Huh?

#250
- Will you take this seriously? - I am taking it seriously.

#251
This is your big moment, man.

#252
You gotta walk out to center ice

#253
and you gotta be like, "Hey! USA! USA!"

#254
- USA! - Not like that. Make it classy.

#255
Okay, but keep in mind I am gonna be wearing the duster.

#256
Of course you're gonna wear the duster. That's gonna look awesome.

#257
- Thanks. - Yeah.

#258
You should probably also be wearing a wig.

#259
- A wig? - Totally. Long, flowing hair.

#260
That's gonna look way more dramatic. You know what I mean? Like…

#261
Okay, I like the wig idea in spirit.

#262
The problem is, I'll have to wear the wig

#263
to the beach house so people will recognize me.

#264
Next thing you know, I'm wearing a wig

#265
for the rest of my life just to keep up appearances.

#266
Yeah, like Andre Agassi, huh?

#267
Yeah. Right. I don't wanna do that.

#268
I don't know. Let's not rule it out, though.

#269
A good hockey wig could put this thing over the top, man.

#270
Okay, fine.

#271
Let's do this! Come on, dude! Let's do this thing!

#272
- We'll take some shots. - What else are we here for, dude?

#273
Let's do some shots!

#274
All right, you ready?

#275
Let's see what you got.

#276
Haunch.

#277
What was that?

#278
All right, well, that would have been cool if I was standing backwards.

#279
You're not gonna stand backwards.

#280
You're gonna stand forward. You're gonna…

#281
What the hell are you two doing out here?

#282
- Don't worry about it, bro. - We're…

#283
You can't be out here swinging hockey sticks.

#284
You're not even supposed to be out here without skates. Now get out!

#285
- All right. - Out!

#286
- Okay! - We're leavin'.

#287
You know what, Charlie?

#288
I think he's right, dude.

#289
Only a couple of jabronis come out here without skates on.

#290
I gotta do this thing in skates, man.

#291
You know, work up a routine, really jazz the crowd.

#292
- Can I stop you though? - Yeah.

#293
You keep using this word "jabroni."

#294
And… It's awesome!

#295
It's like the coolest word. Is that a hockey thing?

#296
Yeah, I don't know.

#297
I think it's some dago word, but it sounds like a hockey word.

#298
You're gonna want to brush up on your hockey words

#299
at the beach house you're gonna be hanging out with the Flyers.

#300
Okay, we are back.

#301
Dennis and Dee Reynolds here. We're back to the podcast.

#302
- We got a little derailed earlier. - We did.

#303
We did. But that's okay. We're gonna get back on track here.

#304
Let's try and get back on track. I got a hot topic

#305
- that I wanna talk about, Dee. - Tell me what it is.

#306
Well, this is something I'm pretty charged up about. It's stem cell research.

#307
- Good one. Excellent one. - It's a very divisive issue these days.

#308
People are really going to town,

#309
- one side against the other. - Oh, absolutely.

#310
Some people are for it, some people are against it.

#311
- What is that? What are you doing? - That was a duck.

#312
Why would you make a duck noise right in the middle of my thing?

#313
It was funny. It's a duck.

#314
- Yeah, but you derailed us. - I thought I'd up the production value,

#315
- you know, add some sound effects. - Well, don't.

#316
Okay, well…

#317
So, stem cell research… Stop doing that.

#318
Stem cell research is a very…

#319
Why are you still…

#320
Stop pushing sound effects. I want to talk about…

#321
- Which one is that one? - This one.

#322
That's a laser beam.

#323
Yeah.

#324
- I like that one. - You like that one?

#325
- Yeah, I wanna pepper that one in. - Okay.

#326
- Don't do it while I'm talking. - All right, well, we'll see.

#327
- Hello. - Hey! Frank!

#328
- That's Frank Reynolds, everybody! - I have a great topic for you.

#329
- War. - War!

#330
- War? Good one! - Yeah.

#331
Yeah! Everyone's talking about the war.

#332
And I have the perfect guest.

#333
- Huh. - Okay. All right.

#334
- Ben the soldier. - Hey, Dee. Good to see you.

#335
What are you doing? No. No, no, no. I'm not comfortable with this.

#336
Okay, Ben is a soldier. He's in the war probably.

#337
Not now, obviously, unless the war is happening here. Is the war happening here?

#338
I don't know! Let's get into all this stuff. All right, great.

#339
Ben the soldier is here with us, folks, and I want to talk to him,

#340
because, Ben, it's my understanding

#341
that there is a war going on right now.

#342
Am I… Am I right in this?

#343
Well, actually there are two wars right now.

#344
- Two war… - You don't say.

#345
- We're in the midst of two wars? - Huh!

#346
Now, the United States of America is engaged in both of these wars?

#347
Yes. Yes, they are.

#348
And, uh, are either of these wars happening on US, uh, soil?

#349
Excuse me. Let me, let me…

#350
- What is your job in the war? - Let me just…

#351
- Are you a carrier of, uh, large weaponry? - Let me just interrupt.

#352
How 'bout if we talk about how you used to bang each other?

#353
- Yeah. - No…

#354
What kind of technique did you use? Tie-ups and stuff like that.

#355
- Frank, it's not good radio. - 'Cause people like sex.

#356
Okay, well, I just want to clarify.

#357
What my producer, Frank, is actually referring to is the fact

#358
that Ben, our soldier here,

#359
and Dee used to be lovers.

#360
- Hey! - Don't do that to me.

#361
That's a good one.

#362
That's not funny.

#363
You're in the hot seat, girl.

#364
I'm not in the hot seat! Ben's in the hot seat!

#365
All right, Mac, so you're gonna come on the ice

#366
and fire out to center. Right?

#367
Do, like, a cool turn, get the crowd going!

#368
- Okay. So, fire out… - Come on!

#369
- Huh? - What are you doing?

#370
- Huh? - That's not cool! Wait.

#371
Do you not know how to ice skate?

#372
No, not at all.

#373
But I figured you would teach me, 'cause we got plenty of time.

#374
We don't have time! It's tomorrow night, man!

#375
Charlie, you gotta help me, dude. This is my big break. Come on!

#376
Oh, my God!

#377
All right, we got a lot of work to do.

#378
All right, here. Grab the stick.

#379
- Ready? - Uh-huh.

#380
And we'll start slow. Oh, my…

#381
- This is gonna take forever, man. - That's good.

#382
That's good. That's good. I'm skating.

#383
Push it to the limit

#384
Limit

#385
Walk along the razor's edge

#386
But don't look down

#387
Just keep your head or you'll be finished

#388
Open up the limit

#389
Limit

#390
Past the point of no return

#391
You've reached the top But still you gotta learn

#392
How to keep it

#393
Charlie, don't! Don't! Don't!

#394
Hit the wheel and double the stakes

#395
Throttle wide open like a bat out of hell

#396
You crash the gates

#397
Crash the gates

#398
Going for the back of beyond

#399
Nothin' gonna stop you There's nothin' that strong

#400
Send it on in!

#401
Whoo-hoo!

#402
So push it

#403
Ooh, yeah

#404
The limit, the limit, the limit, the limit

#405
Push it to the limit The limit, the limit, the limit, the limit

#406
Okay, next guest!

#407
All right, Dennis, let's get this over with.

#408
Don't bring her in here stinkin' up the joint. Come on.

#409
Frank said you were gonna apologize to me.

#410
Oh! Who's in the hot seat now?

#411
All right.

#412
Let's not push too many of those.

#413
- You're abusing it. - No, no, that's good.

#414
It's gonna get not funny after a little while.

#415
Oops.

#416
Okay, let's stop. All right, well, so let me understand this, waitress.

#417
Uh, Frank promised you an apology from me.

#418
And now you didn't believe him, did you?

#419
- Come on. - Yeah.

#420
Really? Okay, well, that makes you incredibly gullible and stupid.

#421
Oh! Oh, oh! Don't take that from him.

#422
Are you gonna take that from him? Stand up for yourself!

#423
I'm not leaving here until you apologize to me.

#424
Yeah? Well, you're gonna be here for a while.

#425
She's boring me.

#426
I'll give you 50 bucks if you take off your top

#427
and you drink soup out of my shoe.

#428
- What? - Okay, that I'd like to see.

#429
Yeah, yeah, me too. What do you say, sister?

#430
- You need some extra cash? - No.

#431
500 bucks.

#432
Cricket, bring her some soup.

#433
You're gonna pay me $500 to drink soup out of a shoe.

#434
And take your top off.

#435
Fine.

#436
- Oh! - I'll do it.

#437
- Nice! - But I am not taking my top off.

#438
- Well, that's a relief to all of us. - Ooh!

#439
- Zing! - Zinged her!

#440
Gotcha!

#441
Couldn't find soup, but I found some dirty dishwater.

#442
- Boom! Even better! - I am not drinking dishwater.

#443
- Oh, come on. - Dump it on her head.

#444
- What? - Yes!

#445
- Whoa! - Oh, my God!

#446
Hold it Ugh!

#447
Oh, now this is good radio!

#448
Holy shit, dude. There's a lot of people here.

#449
I'm getting nervous, Charlie.

#450
Yeah, you might throw up when you get out there, you know,

#451
from the nerves.

#452
You're supposed to be my coach, dude.

#453
Don't tell me I'm gonna throw up!

#454
I know, but people do that, so try not to throw up.

#455
Oh, come on, dude.

#456
Mac! Charlie! What's up, man?

#457
Oh, hey! You guys came to support me!

#458
- Uh, yeah! Yeah! - Oh… Yeah, that was…

#459
- Yeah, yeah, that's why we're here. - Primarily, yeah.

#460
But also, you know, since we're here,

#461
we wanted to give you this tape

#462
so you could give it to those radio guys.

#463
That's our demo tape. We were recording the whole thing on a computer.

#464
But then the computer got water dumped all over it. It was a whole thing.

#465
- "Luther Vandross?" - Is that still on there?

#466
- Oh, that's very off-putting, Dennis. - We should have relabeled it.

#467
It's not Luther Vandross.

#468
Make sure you tell 'em it's not Luther Vandross.

#469
Let's get going! Mac from South Philly, get out here!

#470
- This is you! - Oh! Here we go. Here we go.

#471
Everybody say a prayer.

#472
Let's do this.

#473
Give 'em the tape.

#474
- What is that? - The future of radio, you jabronis.

#475
"Jabronis." Cool word.

#476
Score!

#477
He did it!

#478
Mac from South Philly has cemented himself

#479
as a Philly sports legend!

#480
Let's hear it for Mac!

#481
Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

#482
Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

#483
Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

#484
Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

#485
Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

#486
Wake up! Mac!

#487
Mac! Mac! Wake up!

#488
Mac, wake up!

#489
Oh, what happened? Did I do good, Charlie?

#490
No. You fell on your face almost immediately, man.

#491
- Who took the shot? - I took the shot.

#492
Yeah, I missed wide right by, like, a mile. It was terrible.

#493
Look on the bright side, dude.

#494
I think you're gonna be a sports celebrity after all,

#495
'cause they're definitely gonna play that shit on ESPN.

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