Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E06 — Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 6 — Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down

#1
Dee, what are you doing?

#2
I got a tickle, a really bad one.

#3
Oh, shit. Are you getting sick? If you're getting sick, stay away from us.

#4
No, no, no. I can't be getting sick.

#5
I gotta be able to talk to Groban tomorrow.

#6
- Who? - Josh Groban. Artemis and I got

#7
backstage passes to his concert in the park tomorrow.

#8
Charles Grodin is coming in concert, and you didn't tell us?

#9
Aw! We love Charles Grodin. That dude is hysteri… I love that guy.

#10
He brings out the curmudgeon in me.

#11
No. Different guy. Josh Groban is who I'm talking about.

#12
Josh Groban. Oh. Is he Charles Grodin's son?

#13
He's probably funny. What do you think?

#14
If he's related to Charles Grodin, he is. Don't worry about that.

#15
Two totally different people.

#16
Charles Grodin is a bitter old man with a giant head,

#17
and Josh Groban is a beautiful singer with the voice of an angel.

#18
- Oh, he's a singer. - Call Charles Grodin

#19
a bitter old man one more time and see what happens!

#20
- Ooh, calm down. - All right. Sorry.

#21
All right. No big deal. I got to go home anyway. I should rest.

#22
Stay aw… Come on.

#23
No. Don't come near me. Don't make me sick.

#24
All right. All right. Don't touch me with that.

#25
- Stop it. - Don't make me sick.

#26
- Get out. - Mom, Mom! Calm down! Calm down!

#27
Listen to me. Here's what you do.

#28
You close the curtains, and you mind your own business, right?

#29
No, they're not terrorists! They're just Muslims.

#30
Okay, well, I'm gonna hang up, okay? Hanging up.

#31
Unbelievable, dude. Ever since my Uncle Jack moved out, my mom's going crazy.

#32
She's like, "Help me with this. Help me with that.

#33
"Wash the floor. Wash the ceiling. Clean my car. Get this.

#34
"Fix that. Are there spiders here?"

#35
I'm sorry. The woman who brought you into the world and raised you needs you,

#36
and you're gonna ignore her?

#37
Dude, it's crazy shit. It's insane shit.

#38
And I can't be constantly taking care of her.

#39
I don't blame you, man. I'm very much looking forward

#40
to not taking care of anyone when I'm older.

#41
Well, what? What, you're not gonna take care of me when I'm old?

#42
Hell, no, I'm not gonna take care of you. You were a terrible father to me.

#43
I'll get Deandra to take care of me. She'll take care of me.

#44
Dee's not going to take care of you. You chased her out of here

#45
with a pool cue 'cause she had a little cough.

#46
Forget about it.

#47
- That's her. - Answer the phone, Charlie.

#48
I'm just gonna let it ring, 'cause it's crazy shit.

#49
Charlie, answer the goddamn phone!

#50
- It's not anything serious, Mac! - Just answer…

#51
What? Hello? What? What is it?

#52
Yeah.

#53
Oh, well, that is a serious thing.

#54
Okay. I'll let him know.

#55
Mac, your mom burned her house down.

#56
Hey-oh! Good news, Dennis. Mom's okay.

#57
She fell asleep with a lit cigarette in her mouth

#58
and burned the house down, but the good news is she's fine.

#59
Uh, oh, great. Yeah.

#60
- Where is she going to be staying? - Here, of course.

#61
- I'll stay in a shelter. - Hey, there's an idea! Shelter.

#62
Absolutely not.

#63
Okay. What about a nice nursing home?

#64
Nursing home? Do you have any idea what happens

#65
in those places, dude? Why don't I just rape her myself?

#66
Rape her? What are you talking about? What?

#67
Yo, got your dog.

#68
Poppins! Hey, buddy! How you doing?

#69
Poppins? My God, I can't believe that dog's not dead.

#70
Didn't you get him when you were, like, 10?

#71
Oh, yeah. This dog is indestructible, dude.

#72
Yeah, that dog's nasty, man.

#73
He was coughing the whole way over here. He ate cigarette butts off the ground.

#74
He's got a wheeze. He might have emphysema.

#75
That's possible. It wouldn't slow him down, though.

#76
He's a survivor. He would disappear for months,

#77
but he would always come home.

#78
It looks like his eye is falling out.

#79
- Oh, is it? When it just bulges? - Yeah. It bulges out a little bit there.

#80
Yeah. What you do is you just pop it back in with your knuckle.

#81
I'll show you how to do it. Yeah, it's really easy.

#82
- I'm never going to do that. - You're gonna touch his eye

#83
- with your knuckle? - You just sort of pop it back in.

#84
Oh. Hang on a second.

#85
What, Mom, what?

#86
I'm not gonna vacuum your ceiling.

#87
Um, because I already did it, okay?

#88
Plastic splinters are the same as… You won't get a splinter!

#89
I gotta deal with this. Mom is…

#90
- No, wait. Hold on a second. - It's back in, Dennis.

#91
- Check it out. - Yeah, I don't care.

#92
I have an idea that's gonna solve all of our problems here. I do.

#93
Your moms are gonna live together. Now hear me out. This is gonna be great.

#94
Okay, Mac, your mom burned down her house with a cigarette, right?

#95
Charlie, Uncle Jack moved out of your mom's house, so she's lonely.

#96
She's got no one to talk to. Boom. Mrs. Mac, your mom together.

#97
Could be the perfect situation. Come on.

#98
They could be like The Golden Girls.

#99
A couple of old ladies getting together, chasing men, eating cheesecake.

#100
- That'd be cool. - Sure. Whatever.

#101
I'm loving that idea, but mom's gonna be a tough sell.

#102
Uh-huh. I'll talk her into it.

#103
Oh, it popped back out.

#104
- What the hell are you doing? - What?

#105
- What the hell are you doing? - Oh, I went to the health food store.

#106
I just grabbed a whole bunch of shit. It's supposed to boost my immune system.

#107
I'm not gonna miss that show. I'm a Grobanite.

#108
Grobanites don't miss shows.

#109
Josh Groban comes to town, we consider it a call to action.

#110
What you're saying is very dorky.

#111
Nevertheless, I brought you some stuff,

#112
a little bit of care package here.

#113
- Why? - I want to make you well.

#114
I got you coffee, I got you some Mexican peanuts,

#115
I got you some candy.

#116
I got you a Stud magazine.

#117
What's your angle? What are you doing?

#118
Deandra. We have to take care of each other.

#119
I'm gonna take care of you now,

#120
but when I'm old and sick, you have to take care of me.

#121
What? No!

#122
No, I'm not doing that. Absolutely not. You're on your own.

#123
That…

#124
You okay? Yeah? No?

#125
It's down? It's going?

#126
It's going? Open up. Put your head back.

#127
Oh, God!

#128
Oh, God. I got it.

#129
All right. You should go relax.

#130
You should go rest now.

#131
Good. Look, I'm gonna do everything you need.

#132
Anything you need, I will do it.

#133
Just make believe I'm your slave.

#134
Okay. Do my laundry.

#135
- Done. - All right. I'm gonna go rest.

#136
- All right. - Don't bother me.

#137
No, no. I'm gonna be as quiet as a mouse.

#138
- You just rest, honey. - Uh-huh.

#139
Okay. All right.

#140
I know this is a lot to digest, and that's why I'm here.

#141
To act as an unbiased negotiator in the process

#142
and to sort out any problems or concerns.

#143
Essentially, just to make sure that you're both comfortable

#144
with this new arrangement.

#145
- I don't want to live with her. - Oh, Mom! Why not?

#146
- She smells. - I know she smells.

#147
Okay, you can't talk about my mom like that!

#148
You don't smell, and you look beautiful, okay?

#149
Okay. I think what Charlie's mom is trying to say

#150
is that Mrs. Mac has a unique and earthy fragrance.

#151
I smell like shit.

#152
Okay, Mom, don't put yourself down, okay? We talked about this.

#153
You don't. Perhaps we could get Mrs. Mac some perfume?

#154
Oh, yeah. That's not a bad idea. Mrs. Mac, what do you say?

#155
What better way to kick off this new relationship

#156
- than with a new fragrance? - Stop talking to me like I'm an asshole!

#157
- She can't smoke in here. - I know, Mom. Uh, smoking.

#158
Okay. Now, Mrs. Mac, I would never ask you to give up tobacco,

#159
but what if you were to switch to some sort of smokeless tobacco alternative?

#160
- I know that grunt. She's open to it. - Okay!

#161
So what do we say we do a little bit of a trial run tonight?

#162
Let's see what happens, and then we'll take it from there.

#163
Okay.

#164
- That means absolutely. - Okay!

#165
- Okay! - Great, great. So, last step,

#166
dog's tied up outside. I'll grab him, bring him inside,

#167
- and then I'll be on my way. - No dogs. Charlie, tell them.

#168
Okay. She is terrified of animals eating her face off.

#169
I don't want a dog to eat my face, Charlie!

#170
- She doesn't want a dog eating her face. - Well, you know what?

#171
That's not a problem. We'll take the dog, you and I.

#172
Oh, I think what Mac is trying to say is not that we'll take the dog…

#173
I'm saying exactly what I want to say.

#174
What Mac's trying to say now is that you're taking the dog.

#175
What Charlie's saying is correct. We're taking the dog.

#176
- We're not taking the dog. - You're taking the dog.

#177
It's not going to eat my mother's face off.

#178
It's coming home with us, Dennis, so just accept it, all right?

#179
All right, all right, all right! Fine.

#180
- We'll take the dog. - Calm down.

#181
Laundry's done!

#182
Uh, those white shorts on top?

#183
That's part of my outfit for tomorrow, so why don't you go run an iron over those?

#184
Ooh! Hey, very whitey white.

#185
- Uh, you're not ragging it, are you? - What?

#186
Gross, Frank! Come on. You still get periods?

#187
What are you doing? Stop asking me that. What? Gross! Come on.

#188
I'm trying to bond with you.

#189
That's how you bond with me asking if I still get periods?

#190
What's that stuff you're putting on? That's beautiful. What is it?

#191
Self-tanner, for tomorrow. Got to look good for Groban.

#192
The, uh, tan's gonna make the white in the outfit pop,

#193
the white's gonna make the tan pop.

#194
Josh Groban likes his ladies to pop, so…

#195
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Look who I brought. It's Poppins!

#196
Yeah.

#197
- That's Poppins? - Ooh, yeah!

#198
- He's still alive? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

#199
I figured he could keep you company while you're sick.

#200
- Dog looks like a gargoyle. - Yeah. He smells like piss.

#201
- Does it? Uh-oh. Is he dying? - No, no, no, he's fine.

#202
By the way, you're gonna want to keep him away from that cream, too,

#203
'cause he'll eat that shit. Yeah. He ate a whole bottle of shampoo

#204
at our apartment earlier. He loves shit like that.

#205
- Wow. Sounds great. - Yeah.

#206
- Thanks for bringing him over, yeah. - He's a great dog.

#207
- He's a great dog. - I'm gonna finish this up in my bedroom.

#208
Frank, why don't you make me another juice?

#209
'Cause I feel like that green stuff's really working.

#210
- You got it. - Great. So, you'll keep the dog here,

#211
and then, uh…

#212
What are you doing, Frank? What's going on here?

#213
Trying to score brownie points with your sister.

#214
I mean, I need somebody to take care of me when I'm old and sick.

#215
Jesus. You're still worried about that?

#216
Why don't you check yourself into a nursing home, Frank?

#217
- You have the money. - I'm not gonna put myself

#218
into one of those crypts.

#219
As soon as you drop the soap, they rape your butt.

#220
That's what happens. Mac told me.

#221
What in God's… You people have a very strange conception

#222
- of what goes on in nursing homes. - Frank, green juice, now!

#223
The bitch is driving me crazy!

#224
She's not even sick anymore.

#225
I support your plan, Frank, insofar as it insures

#226
that I won't have to take care of you when you get older,

#227
but you're going about this all wrong, honestly.

#228
- How do you mean? - Well, for one thing,

#229
she's in her apartment. She's comfortable here.

#230
She's on her home turf. She's got all of her amenities.

#231
She feels good here. She doesn't need you here.

#232
You need to thrust her into a hostile environment

#233
so that she needs you to protect her.

#234
- I should dump her under the bridge! - Dump her under the bri…

#235
No, don't dump her down by the bridge. What're you talking…

#236
No, you need to be there, Frank. That's the whole point of this.

#237
Just take her to your apartment, okay.

#238
Now, secondly, if this is gonna work,

#239
then she's gonna need to feel more than just a tickle in her throat.

#240
So, if she's not feeling sick, well,

#241
then we're just gonna have to make her feel sick.

#242
- You're good. - Yeah. Well, I'm a fixer, Frank.

#243
- You're good. - That's what I do.

#244
Dennis, listen. We should hang out more together.

#245
Yeah. Stop trying to bond with me.

#246
- They're not even talking to each other. - My mom's not very verbal.

#247
I know, but they haven't even touched their cheesecake.

#248
I mean, I feel like if you and I were in a room with a perfectly good cheesecake,

#249
all sorts of conversation would start happening.

#250
Oh, Charlie, the funniest thing happened today

#251
- when I was doing the laundry. - Mom, no, not me.

#252
You got to talk to her, okay? Don't talk to me.

#253
Yeah. Pretend like we're not even here, Mrs. Kelly, okay?

#254
- Go gossip. - About what?

#255
Maybe you were at a supermarket one time, and you met a cute guy,

#256
and you were feeling saucy,

#257
and then you wanted to go back and talk to your friend, Sophia.

#258
So you're like Blanche, and she's like Sophia. So, go ahead.

#259
I don't go to the supermarket. The shopping carts are dangerous.

#260
Shopping carts are not dangerous, Mom.

#261
There's nothing dangerous about a shopping cart!

#262
Let's try a new tack. Everybody, calm down. This isn't working.

#263
All right. TV's going off. Boom!

#264
Okay! That's good! You guys are roommates now,

#265
so maybe you can get to know one another.

#266
- I'm hot. - My mom's hot. I'm hot too.

#267
I got to be honest. I'm hot as well. Can we turn the fan on?

#268
Okay, well, the fan is broken. It hasn't worked for years.

#269
Oh! Oh, okay! That's good!

#270
My mom's very good with her hands. Maybe she can fix it.

#271
- Oh, yeah? - Mom was the manager at Jiffy Lube

#272
- for many years. - I never heard about this.

#273
Yeah, well, she doesn't like to brag. It's not her style.

#274
Yeah. But she started at the bottom,

#275
worked her way to the tippy top.

#276
There's only three people working at Jiffy Lube.

#277
It's not really a high climb.

#278
Okay. Well, please don't diminish my mother's achievements, okay?

#279
Don't get too excited about your mother's achievements.

#280
Okay. Could you… Mom, do you want to take a look at that fan

#281
and see if you can fix it?

#282
- What was that? - It means, "Not right now,

#283
"but there's a possibility that I could get to it tomorrow."

#284
See, the problem is, once that sun goes down,

#285
you're not gonna get this woman to do anything, 'cause she thrives on sunlight.

#286
She seems like she's never been in sunlight.

#287
- That's nasty. - Oh, Charlie, she's spitting

#288
- into my porcelain. - Okay, well, that makes you mad.

#289
Take it up with her! Have a conversation with her.

#290
Everybody, can we just, let's relax for a second.

#291
Maybe I can get you, like, a beer bottle. Would that be okay?

#292
An empty beer bottle to spit in?

#293
Yeah? Okay, having fun.

#294
* Thank you for being a friend *

#295
* Traveled down the road and back again *

#296
* The heart is true *

#297
You gotta stare at her.

#298
* You're a pal and a confidante *

#299
Don't look at me!

#300
* And if you threw a party *

#301
Turn your head.

#302
* And invited everyone you knew, ooh-hoo *

#303
* You would see the biggest gift would be from me *

#304
* And the card attached would say *

#305
Look at her!

#306
- She's zonked. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#307
Now, when she wakes up, she'll be really, really cold,

#308
so you just give her this blanket. You know, give her some more juice, you know.

#309
- Just be a dad to her. - Oh, this is so boring. This is bullshit.

#310
I mean, God,

#311
I mean, how long do I have to do this for?

#312
We've been here for, like, an hour, Frank. You're the worst dad.

#313
Groban!

#314
- Ooh. She's up. - I'll come find you.

#315
Okay. Daddy's here. Take it easy, honey.

#316
Okay, honey, don't get up. Stay right where you are.

#317
- Gotta go to the show. - Don't go by the knives.

#318
- Let me backstage. - She thinks she's going backstage.

#319
You sing so good.

#320
Honey, you want a blankie? I swaddle you, baby.

#321
- I'll get to you. - No, no, tomorrow night.

#322
- That's not tonight. - You sing in my ears.

#323
- I love you when you sing. - Where she's going?

#324
- She thinks she's going to the concert? - I don't know. She's walking.

#325
- She's in a zombie state. - She's going to bounce off all the walls.

#326
I've never seen anything like this. It's incredible.

#327
She's going outside. She's going outside.

#328
Ooh, she's going to hit the skateboard.

#329
Ooh.

#330
- Wow. Did you see that? - She's like Mr. Magoo.

#331
- Ooh. - Oh.

#332
Magoo never made that mistake.

#333
One, two, three.

#334
Good night, honey. Good night, Mac.

#335
One, two, three. One, two, three.

#336
One, two, three. One, two, three.

#337
One, two, three. One, two, three.

#338
- Mrs. Kelly? - Yes?

#339
Why are you doing everything in threes?

#340
Oh. So Charlie doesn't die.

#341
- What? - One, two, three.

#342
One, two, three.

#343
- That's crazy. - Bat-shit crazy.

#344
I don't know, dude. What do ya want me to say?

#345
- The woman's out of her damn mind. - Hey! Get the hell…

#346
- Is she waking up my mom? - No! No, Mom!

#347
No. No. My mom does not like to be woken up, Mrs. Kelly!

#348
- Shit! Get out of my room. - Oh! Just one more. One more.

#349
- One, two, three. - Get out of here, God damn it!

#350
- Whoa. Whoa. - Mom, go to bed!

#351
Oh, man, that was close. Now you see where I get my temper, huh?

#352
Yeah, one, two, three. One, two, three. Huh.

#353
- What are you doing? - Huh?

#354
- What was that? - Ah, you know, just playing it safe.

#355
She's been doing it. I'm still alive. Can't be crazy.

#356
- Yeah, no, that's very crazy. - One, two, three. One, two, three.

#357
- It does feel good to do stuff in threes. - Okay, you know what?

#358
I'm pulling the plug on this whole thing, all right?

#359
- Cause this and this, this has gotta stop. - Yeah. You're right. Yeah.

#360
Tomorrow morning, I'm getting my mom out of here. Let's go to bed.

#361
- Yeah. This has not been a good situation. - Let's go to bed.

#362
- This one look off to you? One, two, three - No, it's fine. It's fine.

#363
Hey, guys. We got some bagels and coffee. One, two, three. One, two, three.

#364
What do you think that's accomplishing?

#365
Here you go.

#366
Oh, Mom.

#367
Where's your chewing tobacco? You know Mrs. Kelly doesn't like the smoke.

#368
Oh, the ceiling fan is gonna push all the smoke outside the windows.

#369
Oh, yeah? Oh, she's fixing the fan?

#370
See? I told you, dude. My mom is very handy.

#371
Oh. The Muslims are back.

#372
Where do you think they're coming and going from?

#373
Damn foreigners! They ain't American,

#374
I don't want to know 'em.

#375
I know. I wish they'd all go back to the desert.

#376
- Yeah! - So it does seem like

#377
- they're bonding, right? - Yeah. It's not really

#378
a Golden Girls-type conversation. It's, like, a racist conversation, but…

#379
Where the hell is my damn screwdriver?

#380
I'm wiping all the germs off for you.

#381
Quit cleaning my damn tools, and sit your ass down! Huh!

#382
Shit, dude.

#383
We might want to even consider bringing Poppins back into this mix.

#384
It does seem to be working.

#385
- Like it? - Ooh!

#386
Yes, I do. Please don't hit me. I have sensitive skin.

#387
Let's just find the dog, and we'll talk about it there.

#388
Okay. All right. Let's just let them be, though, huh?

#389
Good morning, sleepyhead.

#390
- What? - Yeah, you're all tied up.

#391
- It's for your own safety. - Yeah, you took a dinger down the stairs.

#392
- Ooh, big time. - You guys untie me right now!

#393
Okay, I'll untie you if you promise to remember

#394
- that I took care of you good. - Yeah. Remember that,

#395
'cause Frank took really good care of you,

#396
- so you're gonna have to take care of him. - What are you talking about?

#397
I feel way worse now than I ever did.

#398
What is going on with my face?

#399
- It's the bedbugs. - Oh!

#400
But that'll last a little while, but it'll go away eventually.

#401
Get that dog off me! The dog stinks!

#402
- Get the dog off me! - Fair enough, fair enough.

#403
- Poppins, let's go. - Come on, dog. Hop up, Hop up!

#404
- Hop up, Poppins. Come on. - Oh, whoa.

#405
Oh, I think Poppins got into the juice.

#406
- What? - Oh, no.

#407
- What juice? - Oh. He's ice-cold.

#408
- He's dead? Poppins is dead? - Yes! He's dead!

#409
- Why would he be dead from the juice? - We killed Poppins? Oh, shit!

#410
Oh, my God. Mac's going to have a fit, dude.

#411
I drank a lot of that juice. I remember that very clearly!

#412
I have an idea, Frank. I have an idea. Fixer's always got a fix, right?

#413
- Yeah, what? What are you gonna… - This is gonna work. This is a good idea.

#414
- Grab Poppins. Let's go. Come on. - Take the dog?

#415
- Grab the dog! - Wait. What was in the juice?

#416
- Okay, hold on. Before you go, untie me. - All right. You stay right there.

#417
- You stay right there, Deandra. - Just real quick, you guys.

#418
No. I don't want to stay here. You guys, I got Groban in the park.

#419
- I got a dead dog over here. - I got Groban in the park! Untie me!

#420
What was in the juice?

#421
- One, two, three. - One, two, three.

#422
Charlie, I think you're right, dude. I feel better about this.

#423
- More in control. Yeah. - Yeah. It's… Uh-hmm.

#424
- Yo, what's happening? - What's happening, guys?

#425
Hey, I was just… We were hanging out, uh, in the alley, going for some air.

#426
- What's going on? - Yeah. What are you guys doing?

#427
Cool. We're actually looking for Poppins.

#428
Yeah, we're going to bring him back over to Charlie's mom's house.

#429
- They're going to live together. - Oh, Poppins?

#430
- What happened to Poppins? - He… Uh…

#431
You saw him. Yeah, might've been…

#432
- Why are you guys acting so weird? - Yeah.

#433
Why are you… Why are you looking at that trash can?

#434
Uh, nothing special about it. I don't know.

#435
- What was in that trash bag? - Poppins.

#436
- What? - Well, he ate a lot of cold medicine,

#437
- and he croaked. I'm sorry. - Yeah, he got into some cold medicine.

#438
- Sorry. - So you threw him in the trash?

#439
What are you gonna do, send him to the moon?

#440
- Right. I mean, come on. - No, I want to have

#441
- a proper burial for him. - That seemed proper enough

#442
- for Poppins, you know? - Oh, no. He's fine.

#443
- What? - He's fine?

#444
Yeah, he's just in here chowing down on a diaper.

#445
Hey! Look at him.

#446
Look at that dog was…

#447
Come on. Hey, good boy.

#448
That dog just does not die.

#449
- No, he does not. - Wow.

#450
- Oh, there he goes. - Ah. Yeah.

#451
Don't worry, guys. He will be back.

#452
Yeah, well, let's hope not.

#453
Bon voyage, Poppins!

#454
Have a good trip.

#455
- Back to the bar, or what? - Yeah.

#456
- Yeah, sure. - Let's grab a drink.

#457
Yo, Frank, it's Artemis. Have you seen Dee?

#458
I'm backstage with Groban, and the party is pumpin'.

#459
- Look, if you see that "bee-yatch…" - No. I'm here.

#460
…tell her to get her ass down here,

#461
'cause Groban's feeling frisky, and somebody's gotta tap that ass.

#462
- Suck you later. - No. No. No.

#463
No! No! Groban!

#464
No!

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