Home » Scrubs » S01E12 — My Blind Date

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 12 — My Blind Date

#1
Hey!

#2
What? I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything.

#3
What imaginary slight have you concocted in that paranoid little brain of yours?

#4
Crap.

#5
Shouldn't there be some sort of sign...

#6
Oh.

#7
Look at that.

#8
You should put it back down before someone slips and falls.

#9
Is that what I should do? Good, because I make most of my decisions based on your opinion.

#10
I'm thinking of splitting up with the wife.

#11
Maybe you could mull that over. Get back to me. We can powwow.

#12
Ah!

#13
Floor's wet, ma'am.

#14
Little help over here.

#15
Little help.

#16
Move it or lose it, Q-tip.

#17
[laughing] Q-tip.

#18
'Cause you're skinny and your head's fuzzy.

#19
Something's going down.

#20
All right. Bring it in here, you knuckleheads.

#21
Take a knee if you need to, you "confoundits."

#22
I have been on since midnight, so I stand here

#23
with my usual level of contempt for all of you,

#24
but with the added wrinkle of having 13 cups

#25
of Nurse Roberts' piss-poor excuse for coffee passing straight through me.

#26
The not-so-hidden message being, of course,

#27
that if you screw up today, ha, I'm going to hit you hard, ha, I'm going to hit you fast.

#28
Now, then...

#29
I think some of you may have noticed

#30
that all 27 of the patients that were here in the ICU

#31
when I started last night... are still alive,

#32
and I damn sure intend for them to still be breathing

#33
when I get the hell outta here tonight at midnight.

#34
I think you understand

#35
what kind of opportunity we have in front of us.

#36
What opportunity...

#37
- Shh! - Shut up!

#38
See, in baseball, when a pitcher's hot,

#39
no one talks to him, no one looks at him, just stay out of his way.

#40
Why are you talking about baseball?

#41
Because you should never, ever jinx a pitcher

#42
when he has a chance to throw a perfect game.

#43
My God, Barbie,

#44
how do you put your bra and panties on in the morning

#45
all by yourself?

#46
It's remarkable.

#47
See, 'cause he's the pitcher...

#48
Yeah, I get it now.

#51
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#55
Which is why I don't mind

#60
Dr. Dorian...

#61
Listen, I know you're busy, but my daughter's selling cookies.

#62
Put me down for two boxes of those mint thingies.

#63
She's in second place in her troop.

#64
Of course, if that girl who's in first keeps doing well,

#65
we're just gonna take her.

#66
[both laughing maniacally]

#67
[laughter continues]

#68
What did you think you were gonna to do? Cash it in?

#69
In your face. You're fine, thank you.

#70
Barbie.

#71
Whatever you need, Dr. Cox, I'm your girl.

#72
Peachy. Get to the pharmacy and get me 30 grams of Kayexalate.

#73
Don't dilly-dally trying to refill your Prozac.

#74
You're on my time now. Go, go, go.

#75
- Nervous guy. - Yes, sir?

#76
Go to bed 18 and get me his tox screen.

#77
Cross your fingers that the news is good. If it's not, I'm blaming you.

#78
And, newbie, start a drain on the purulent pericarditis in bed 23.

#79
Now, that's our tricky bastard. He's tried to die five times on me today. Keep an eye on him.

#80
I'm your wingman, Maverick.

#81
I was watching, uh, Top Gun.

#82
Did you know that Goose is actually the guy from ER?

#83
No, I didn't. But-But please, keep talking.

#87
What are you doing? When the lunch lady asked you

#88
if you wanted fries, you said no.

#89
Yeah, but I wanted French fries.

#90
So why didn't you order fries?

#91
'Cause I can't have French fries. Duh.

#92
Here. Have 'em all. Have a fry salad.

#93
What the? Turk?

#94
Baby, come on.

#95
Girlfriend, you know I cannot have French fries.

#96
Dr. Dorian, I need a favor.

#97
Actually, sir, I'm crazy busy today.

#98
Well, that's just fine then, kiddo.

#99
I'm not going to be able to make the board meeting.

#100
I'm going to be tied up all afternoon at Dr. Dorian's pity party.

#101
Should I bring something? Maybe I could rent you a clown.

#102
A drunk clown hurt me once.

#103
Just listen to the damn lawyer. Go, Tom.

#104
Uh, it's Ted. But hey, it's only been 12 years.

#105
This morning, one of the social workers

#106
that covers this hospital slipped

#107
and knocked herself unconscious.

#108
We're concerned she might turn around and sue us.

#109
If that happens, some of the higher-ups' heads could roll.

#110
The point is that people are less likely to sue

#111
an institution if we can put a friendly face on it.

#112
You've got a friendly face.

#113
But, sir, I...

#114
Sacred Heart is calling for your help, sport.

#115
Will you accept the call?

#116
[ringing sound]

#117
Oh, uh... [ringing sound]

#118
By the way, this is a special phone.

#119
If you don't answer it, you get to be the intern

#120
who does the physicals over at the state prison!

#121
Hello?

#122
How are you? I'm Dr. Dorian.

#123
Alex Hanson.

#124
Nice to meet you.

#125
Ooh! Firm handshake. I like that.

#126
- Hello. - [beeping]

#127
Mr. Davis, I haven't seen you in three months.

#128
It's gotta be a personal record for you.

#129
By all means, ignore the dislocated shoulder and let's make small talk.

#130
This ought to help with the pain.

#131
So... what'd you do?

#132
Oh, some, ow, some random woman just pushed me off the bus.

#133
It was totally unprovoked.

#134
Mr. Davis.

#135
I may have told her that she smelled like wet ass.

#136
There you go. Be proud of who you are.

#137
You wear too much mascara.

#138
You be careful now.

#139
- [Turk] Hey. - What are you doing here?

#140
Covering for a buddy in ortho...

#141
Whatever. 36-year-old male, possible dislocated shoulder.

#142
Great.

#143
So, how are you doing?

#144
Well, it just got so cold in here.

#145
I think the swelling may have gone down.

#146
Burr... Ow!

#147
Yeah, I hope that hurts.

#148
Oh, no. No, no, no...

#149
Is this the tox screen? Oh, Dougie,

#150
- this does not bode well. - I know.

#151
Second chance. Get the results of Mr. Chervin's urinalysis.

#152
But if the numbers aren't good, I'm gonna take one of your kidneys and give it to him.

#153
Ten bucks says I can make that kid wet himself before the day is over.

#154
Oh, everybody's afraid of Mr. Man.

#155
- Laverne, you give good sass. - Dr. Cox!

#156
I got the Kayexalate and I pulled all the X-rays,

#157
so I am yours for the night. Do whatever you want with me.

#158
Oh, my God, um, that totally came out wrong. I meant that

#159
I want you to use me, and I don't care how degrading it is.

#160
- What? - No, no...

#161
I know that you like torturing people,

#162
and I am totally up for that.

#163
- I just wanna make you happy. - Marshmallow, hush.

#164
This guy needs a lumbar puncture, and I need an extra set of hands. Get over here.

#165
Ready and rearing.

#166
Not you. Ginger, get the lead out.

#167
- [whistles] Come on! - Excuse me.

#168
It puts the lotion on the skin.

#169
You can do movies and I can't?

#170
It puts the damn iodine lotion on the skin. Give me a break.

#171
Mr. Man!

#172
Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology.

#173
Obviously, I was unclear when I said,

#174
"Stay in the MRI room with that patient."

#175
It must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things."

#176
- I've been... - Let me rephrase it

#177
so there'll be no more confusion:

#178
Get your ass back down there!

#179
You have no idea how loud that is in here!

#180
Oh, I'm sorry. The good news is you'll be done in a second.

#181
[clanking]

#182
- Was that a good sound? - [man] What'd you do?

#183
- Not that good a sound. - Oh, my God! Is it stuck?

#184
"Stuck" is such a literal term. It's more like "not moving."

#185
Pull me the hell outta here!

#186
I can't. You were knocked unconscious. You could have a serious head injury.

#187
Just be glad you're not claustrophobic.

#188
- Ah! - Ah!

#189
- Promise you won't leave me. - I promise.

#190
[beeping]

#191
Dr. Cox must have my pager on speed dial.

#192
He's completely on top of me today.

#193
Do you know how much I wish Dr. Cox was on top of me?

#194
That's naughty.

#195
You make me so mad, I might actually scream.

#196
Every day you bitch and bitch about how hard Dr. Cox is on you,

#197
and you don't even realize that you're his go-to guy.

#198
Come on, you're overreacting a little...

#199
What has he had you do today? Hmm?

#200
Um, he had me intubate and extubate Mrs. Pollard,

#201
float a Swan on Mr. Kalka, and then do two thoracenteses,

#202
a paracentesis, a radial art line,

#203
then place a transvenous pacemaker for a heart block.

#204
- Why? What did you do? - Oh, uh...

#205
Cream, no sugar.

#206
Oof!

#207
He takes his sugar, no cream.

#208
My arm is breaking! My arm is breaking! Please!

#209
Okay, okay. It's not going in.

#210
Really? Why don't we try kicking it?

#211
I'm gonna go talk to one of our orthopedics.

#212
Hurry back.

#213
God, that guy is the worst.

#214
Oh, be nice. He's my boyfriend.

#215
[snorts] Not for long.

#216
Excuse me?

#217
Please. He's been dying to run outta here since he came in.

#218
Oh, he did not "run" out of here.

#219
You're right. He wasn't running.

#220
He was fleeing like he was being chased by a swarm of killer bees.

#221
Okay... He said just keep pulling.

#222
Oh, well, goody.

#223
Does this big metal contraption make me look fat?

#224
More chunky than fat.

#225
- [buzzing] - J.D.?

#226
It's all right. I'm right here. I'm right here.

#227
[buzzing]

#228
You're such a nice guy.

#229
Whoa, it really feels like

#231
I wonder what she looks like.

#232
Why am I always in your fantasies?

#233
You got a problem, man.

#234
Why are you squeezing all my fingers?

#235
I'll tell you what I'm not doing.

#236
I'm not checking for a wedding ring.

#237
I am so in.

#238
[beeping]

#239
I'm right back out.

#240
I'm sorry about lunch today. I guess I'm a little overtired.

#241
Oh, that's okay, sweetie.

#242
When we get home, we can just go right to bed.

#243
Yeah, that's the thing. I'm a little beat,

#244
so it might be better if you crash at your place tonight.

#245
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

#246
It's a private joke.

#247
- What now? - Watch the attitude, Gidget,

#248
or I won't let you go to the bonfire with the other beach bunnies.

#249
Now, I wanna make sure...

#253
- ...just unbelievable. - Sir, it's Dr. Kelso.

#254
He's making me baby-sit this patient.

#255
Newbie, it's the bottom of the ninth.

#256
If you're not gonna be my catcher, just exactly who is?

#257
[baseball organ music]

#258
Oh, no.

#259
- What? - [umpire] Play ball!

#260
[crowd cheering]

#261
Come on, baby. Right here. Bring it in.

#262
Look, Dr. Cox, you can trust me to help you.

#263
For gosh sakes, I was top five in my class.

#264
[makes buzzer sound] That's the noise I make when somebody lies to me.

#265
Okay, I was eighth, but I'll get us this perfect...

#266
- Don't say it! - Perfect game.

#267
What part of "don't say it" did you not understand?

#268
Was it the "don't" or was it the "say it"?

#269
Help me to help you, Barbie. Help me to help you.

#270
Help me to help you. Help me to help you.

#271
I, um, should get to work.

#272
That would be lovely.

#273
- Mm-hmm. - Wow.

#274
- Hey, Elliot, do... - No time!

#276
Hey, do you know what Alex Hanson looks like?

#277
He's okay.

#278
I don't know. I don't look at the ladies.

#279
Young man, I've been married for over three decades.

#280
I would've gone there, though. Hell yes, I would've.

#281
Who cares? No one will ever love you.

#282
I don't find her pretty, but since my wife left,

#283
when I look at a woman, I find it hard to see past the evil.

#284
- I know something's wrong. - Nothing's wrong.

#285
You always say "nothing's wrong," then you sulk, then you tell me.

#286
We haven't known each other long enough for me to "always" be doing anything.

#287
You're always hurting me.

#288
So now you're getting defensive?

#289
Woman, I am not defensive.

#290
Yeah, you are, a little bit.

#291
Turk, we're stuck here. Why don't you just

#292
take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong?

#293
- [crunching] - Ow! That did it.

#294
Well, I guess we're done here.

#295
Barbie, plates are wobbling everywhere.

#296
His H and H dropped three grams. I'm starting pressors.

#297
- Or you could transfuse him. - Okay.

#298
- Transfusions are riskier. - My first instinct was to do pressors.

#299
You know what they say about first instincts.

#300
Stick with them. Shouldn't you?

#301
- Should you? - Should I?

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