Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E07 — Who Got Dee Pregnant

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 7 — Who Got Dee Pregnant

#1
I'm so pumped, dude.

#2
I hope I get to see at least one ancient spirit.

#3
We should get chalk and some erasers,

#4
because that dust cloud really shows the laser beam alarms.

#5
- So you can see… - Get a dust cloud going.

#6
We got to spend a lot of time in the Civil War section.

#7
No, we're not doing the Civil War section, Frank.

#8
We are gonna hit up ancient Egypt. Excited about that.

#9
- We're sticking together. - Just so I'm clear,

#10
you guys don't actually think that things are going to come alive

#11
because you're spending the night in a museum?

#12
Sorry, but we're opening ourselves up to

#13
the possibility of an adventure this evening.

#14
Is there something wrong with that?

#15
Now, whether that means Charlie running into his ancient spirits

#16
or us having to just run away from security guards all night,

#17
either way, it's gonna be a great time.

#18
It's gonna be better than sticking around the bar,

#19
watching you eat sandwich after sandwich.

#20
What is the matter with you?

#21
You've been stuffing your face for days.

#22
It's fatness. It's a person becoming fat before your eyes.

#23
I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore.

#24
- They don't apply. - I'm not fat. I'm pregnant.

#25
I feel like you say that all the time now.

#26
You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.

#27
You've definitely said that before. You're right.

#28
Since we're all saying things that we say all the time, I'll reiterate,

#29
Dee, we don't care about you, your body, your baby,

#30
or that baby bird that you're probably carrying inside of you.

#31
- Right. - Oh, really?

#32
Well, you should give a shit, 'cause one of you is the father.

#33
- What? - What the hell you talking about?

#34
The Halloween party, where one of you got me pregnant.

#35
But since you guys don't care about me, my body, my baby,

#36
or whatever it was that you were saying, we shouldn't talk about it.

#37
You guys are on your way to a museum to spend the night. Have a great time.

#38
Oh, shit.

#39
What is she even talking about?

#40
Got her pregnant at the Halloween party? What?

#41
I don't remember. I was wasted.

#42
Yeah, me, too. I browned out that evening.

#43
"Browned out"? What's "browned out"?

#44
Oh, it's when you drink so much that everything goes brown.

#45
It's not as severe as a blackout, 'cause I remember bits and pieces.

#46
I like to call it "browning out."

#47
- Never heard of that before. - With good reason,

#48
because Mac made it up on the spot.

#49
- I did. - You did. That's a great term.

#50
- "Browning out"? - You like it?

#51
- I love it. - Thank you.

#52
I'm pretty sure, at a point, we all probably browned out.

#53
So our best chance at figuring this out

#54
is for us to all put our browns together,

#55
mash them together and try and figure out which one

#56
of you two banged my sister.

#57
Let's not overuse the "brown" thing right in the beginning.

#58
Yeah, but once you throw a term like that out,

#59
and everybody likes it, it's fair game.

#60
- We can use it whenever we want. - It's public domain.

#61
- Public domain. - Now we're trying to figure out

#62
- who banged Dee. - That's important.

#63
Let's not focus on the "brown" thing,

#64
even though I'm gonna use it a lot,

#65
probably a lot right now.

#66
So here's what I remember from my brown state.

#67
I remember we were all in costume,

#68
and our costumes were pretty cool, except for yours.

#69
I was really pissed off at you, because we agreed to go as Mario and Luigi.

#70
I held up my end of the bargain.

#71
You showed up wearing a different costume at the last minute.

#72
Dude, what are you doing? Where's your Mario costume?

#73
No, I went with a sexier look.

#74
Sexy? Bro, we agreed on funny over sexy this year,

#75
so we could disarm the ladies.

#76
You don't remember this conversation? Without my Mario, what am I?

#77
I'm just some weird Italian plumber. I look like an asshole.

#78
What is that? What even is that?

#79
I'm that character from Lord of the Rings, "Viggio Morgenstein."

#80
That is not the character's name. That's the actor's name.

#81
You're not even getting that right.

#82
You're totally boning me here. Do you realize that?

#83
Yo, yo, yo! Look at the turnout for our "par-tay."

#84
I want to suck your blood!

#85
It's Twilight time! Time for blood sucking.

#86
Yeah, dude, I'm doing a vampire thing!

#87
'Cause chicks are all into vampires and stuff

#88
'cause of the stupid Twilight movie and other crap.

#89
What if the waitress is into it? This is my best shot!

#90
You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.

#91
- He eats theater people. - He doesn't.

#92
- I think he might. - He does.

#93
And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.

#94
- He might not. - He doesn't.

#95
- No, I don't. I don't. - This party blows.

#96
There's no studs here. No beef in the freezer, you know?

#97
Dee, why would you wear a costume with giant wings?

#98
- I'm a sexy angel. - Are we supposed to pretend

#99
like you're not dressed like a giant bird?

#100
If you're gonna be sexy, don't dress like a bird.

#101
I didn't dress like a bird. I'm clearly an angel.

#102
- No. - Besides, did you guys see that cooze

#103
over there dressing like a peacock?

#104
Big, giant bird. Green bird.

#105
- Ooh! - Ooh!

#106
She wears it well.

#107
Woof, woof. She wears it very well.

#108
She wears it so well that I have now pinpointed her

#109
as my prey for the evening.

#110
Yeah! She will be mine.

#111
I'm gonna go get that process started right now.

#112
Out of my way, bird.

#113
This is all sounding right. I remember this.

#114
Yeah? This all sounds right to you? Okay.

#115
It was later in the evening, and things had progressed,

#116
'cause we were all starting to get lit at this point.

#117
But, see, I distinctly remember there being

#118
some commotion at the other end of the bar.

#119
Hey, leave us alone! Just stop it!

#120
This lady, she sounded like she was in a fair amount of distress,

#121
but I didn't really give a shit, because despite looking like a cartoon bricklayer,

#122
I was starting to get pretty close to sealing the deal with the peacock lady.

#123
Look, dude, you've been bugging me all night, okay?

#124
I think your costume's weird, you're creepy,

#125
and I just want you to leave me alone.

#126
Yeah. Yes. Yes.

#127
- Stupid costume is so sexy. - What?

#128
I can't believe it, man. She takes advantage of me.

#129
She's like, "Oh, my God, you look so sexy! I'm gonna sex you all up!"

#130
I'm like, "You're just my friend! Get your sex off me!"

#131
And then she gets all sexy with me, 'cause I've got

#132
the sexiest costume in the world on!

#133
- I hate it! - Did you want to get rid of that costume?

#134
Yes, I want to get rid of the costume!

#135
You have any idea what it's like to be this sexy?

#136
- Can I have your costume? - Yeah.

#137
- Really? - I didn't even wanna be…

#138
- Yeah! - Let's switch.

#139
Come on, let's go switch. You'll be okay, buddy.

#140
Yes! It's all coming back to me now. You came over to me.

#141
We agreed to switch costumes. You gave me your sexy costume,

#142
and I was able to fell the seductive temptress finally.

#143
Oh, yeah, so I did have sex with the peacock lady.

#144
Yeah, awesome. Ah, that's so awesome, dude.

#145
Well, mystery solved. I mean… Awesome!

#146
- That's not the mystery. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#147
That you banged the peacock chick is not the mystery.

#148
The Dee thing is the mystery. Right. Dee…

#149
Somebody had sex with Dee, and she got pregnant. Whatever. Okay.

#150
Clearly, from that story, Charlie, you're the one that banged her.

#151
That's why you were feeling so much remorse,

#152
and you had tears coming out of your eye.

#153
Who wouldn't feel that way after banging…

#154
Ah, shit, dude. Oh, shit.

#155
'Cause the way you're telling that story,

#156
it definitely sounds like that, 'cause I remember crying!

#157
No.

#158
Those were tears of joy.

#159
Yes, and it wasn't 'cause of Dee, obviously.

#160
I remember this now. I remember this, all right?

#161
Frank and Artemis weresitting at the bar,

#162
and they were in the middle of a big argument.

#163
I was with the McPoyle brothers over at the jukebox,

#164
and I just finalized a delicate truce with them.

#165
So if you guys are cool, then I'm totally cool.

#166
- We're cool as cucumbers. - Bump it.

#167
This time I will bump it. The truce is on!

#168
We bumped fists, and Dee walked by.

#169
- Oh, hey, Dee. - Hey, Charlie. Great costume.

#170
- Yeah, you, too. - Thanks.

#171
Like the feathers.

#172
And just then the waitress came in.

#173
Hey, I see you received my invitation.

#174
Yeah, Charlie, I received all 100 of them.

#175
Who's this jerk?

#176
This is my new boyfriend. He's here to protect me.

#177
Oh, wait. This is the guy you were telling me about.

#178
- Hey. - Hey.

#179
- The lady's taken. - Get out of my face, bro.

#180
- Really? - Yeah, really.

#181
- You want to get your ass kicked? - Leave us alone.

#182
- I have to defend your honor! - Please stop it!

#183
Mac, get my back.

#184
Oh, goddamn it! I got milk all over me!

#185
That was insanely masculine.

#186
I made out with the waitress! That's amazing, man!

#187
I got to call her. I'm out of here.

#188
- Didn't happen. - What?

#189
- No? - That's not the way it happened.

#190
- No? - No. You got parts of it right,

#191
but you're leaving out some major things.

#192
Let me set the damn record straight.

#193
First of all, don't say I went as Spider-Man. I didn't go as Spider-Man.

#194
I was Man-Spider.

#195
Totally different!

#196
Yes, I was having an argument with Artemis

#197
because a couple weeks before, we had some makeup sex

#198
in a dumpster out in the back of Wendy's.

#199
Yeah! Yeah!

#200
She incorporated a bun in the lovemaking.

#201
She took the dough

#202
and rolled it up into a ball, and then she…

#203
We were going berserk. She loves that kind of stuff. And I admit, I do, too.

#204
Frank, we don't need to hear this part of the story, okay?

#205
Can you tell us about Halloween night? Stick to that.

#206
Okay. We were arguing

#207
because she wanted another dumpster hump, and I wantedto stay at the party.

#208
So I walked away. That's when you were doing your thing.

#209
- I'm gonna kick your ass, bro! - Leave us alone!

#210
- I have to defend your honor! - Please stop!

#211
- Mac, get my back! - I'm here, buddy!

#212
Goddamn it! I got milk all over me!

#213
You are insane!

#214
Insanely masculine.

#215
It was Artemis that took advantage of you

#216
because she was trying to make me jealous.

#217
After you broke free,

#218
you wandered off muttering something about the costumebeing too sexy.

#219
Not from you!

#220
It's the stupid sexy costume!

#221
Ah, shit. Somebody please tell me Frank's memory is not correct.

#222
Knock, knock, dick-faces.

#223
Artie, thanks for coming so quick.

#224
Listen, we're trying to piece together a night, and we need some guidance.

#225
I don't remember that night.

#226
I didn't tell you which night yet.

#227
I don't remember most evenings.

#228
You can try me, but I will not promise you anything.

#229
- Last Halloween. - Oh, Halloween.

#230
- Anything ring a bell? - That was quite a night.

#231
I suppose I do recall a few bits and pieces.

#232
- What happened? - Spill.

#233
Well, I was angry at you…

#234
because of an incident that happened a few weeks before…

#235
where you and I were in the Dumpster behind Wendy's.

#236
I incorporated a hamburger bun…

#237
This is not the part that… Why does everybody think we wanna know about that?

#238
Because it's really interesting and innovative,

#239
and I thought maybe you'd want some lessons.

#240
- Did you make out with me? - I sure did.

#241
And it worked like a charm.

#242
I had Frank all to myself for a month straight.

#243
All right, let's get back to Halloween.

#244
Anything else that happened that night… like Deandra getting pregnant?

#245
Oh, well, that makes sense. Mac slept with her at the party.

#246
What?

#247
What are you talking about?

#248
I'm talking about the sounds of hot, passionate lovemaking…

#249
that was coming from the bathroom that I had heard with my own two ear-balls.

#250
After the fight and the kiss,

#251
Mac had blood all over his knuckles and went to the bathroom to wash it off.

#252
Dee was incensed that her costume was covered in milk.

#253
She went to the bathroom to clean up.

#254
But the line for the ladies' room was too long,

#255
so she went to the men's room.

#256
Frank started to apologize to me, and after a few minutes,

#257
we decided to have makeup sex in the men's room.

#258
But the door was locked, and I heard the passionate, unmistakable sounds…

#259
of lovemaking coming from inside.

#260
Mac was making love to Sweet Dee in the bathroom,

#261
so Frank and I had to sneak outside to my station wagon,

#262
where we gave each other hand jobs.

#263
Well, there you have it. Mac's the dad.

#264
Mac's the dad! Chant with me. No…

#265
- Mac's the dad! Let's go! - No, I'm not the…

#266
I'm not the dad, okay, Charlie? Just trust me on that.

#267
Hey, all the evidence is pointing towards you, pal.

#268
Yes, there were passionate sounds of lovemaking

#269
coming from the bathroom, but it wasn't me and Dee.

#270
Damn it. I was hoping I wouldn't have to admit this,

#271
but I guess I have to tell you.

#272
Okay, here goes.

#273
I was in the back of the bar when the commotion began,

#274
and I heard Charlie cry out for help.

#275
He was about to get his ass kicked by that giant dude.

#276
Mac, help me, please! I need you!

#277
- There was no time for an ocular pat-down. - Not in my bar, bro.

#278
I secured the area, and I retained order… like I always do.

#279
Everybody chill.

#280
It's cool now.

#281
I had a tremendous amount of douche bag bloodall over my knuckles,

#282
so I went to the bathroom to clean it off.

#283
- That's when Dee came in. - Oh, hey, Dee.

#284
Look, I do not give a shit about your problems, Dee, okay?

#285
I'm still pumped up from that ass-whooping. Did you see that?

#286
I don't give a shit, Dee, okay?

#287
I don't know how you're gonna get all that milk off of you.

#288
What is that supposed to mean?

#289
Okay, you know what? Shoo. Shoo. Get out of here. Shoo. Shoo!

#290
Get out of here. Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Come on!

#291
Get out! Get out!

#292
So annoying.

#293
Whoa! Margaret, what are you doing here?

#294
God, that is so gross.

#295
You're always doing that. Are you trying to tell me something?

#296
Is that, like, a sexual thing?

#297
All right. Let's do this.

#298
Hold on a second. So are you telling us

#299
that you had sex with Margaret McPoyle that night?

#300
Yes.

#301
Ooh.

#302
- Yeah. - Well, you know,

#303
we got to go confront the McPoyles about this now.

#304
Yeah, we got to confirm this whole story.

#305
The only consistent part about every single one of these stories

#306
is that the McPoyles were there, and they were drinking milk,

#307
which means they were stone-cold sober that night.

#308
They could probably confirm the truth.

#309
Ah, shit.

#310
Last Halloween. Hmm.

#311
And Dee's pregnant, huh?

#312
I remember that night well.

#313
As do I. Quite well.

#314
You were all very, very, very drunk.

#315
- Quite drunk. - You should feel shame.

#316
Okay, don't give us your judgments, all right?

#317
- Can you tell us what you remember? - What happened?

#318
Well, we just finished accepting Charles's terrible, terrible truce.

#319
That's, like, the whole truce. You know, that's all there is to it.

#320
And if you guys are cool with it, then I'll be perfectly cool with it.

#321
- Whatever. - Just go away. Your breath is awful.

#322
- Oh, really? - Yeah.

#323
All right, well, bump it?

#324
What about this one? You bump?

#325
That's cool.

#326
Cool, guys. Good truce, good truce, good truce.

#327
- Ah, hey, Dee. - Shut up.

#328
Yep. Yep.

#329
Uh, hello, hello, hello, hello!

#330
I see you received my invitation.

#331
I'm sorry. Do I know you?

#332
- Who's this jerk? - Uh, this is my boyfriend.

#333
- What the hell? - Whoa. Time out. What's going on here?

#334
The lady's taken, buddy!

#335
- Yeah, I know she is! - Who are you?

#336
- You want to get your ass kicked? - Leave us alone!

#337
I have to defend your honor!

#338
Mac, get my back!

#339
Goddamn it! I got milk all over me!

#340
Viggio Morgenstein!

#341
Hey.

#342
I'm insanely high on mescaline.

#343
Are you telling me that wasn't even the waitress?

#344
Not at all.

#345
After the fight, Mac went to the bathroom

#346
to wash that poor girl's blood off his hands.

#347
And Dee followed.

#348
They were only in there a short moment together before Dee came back out.

#349
Mac kicked her out of the bathroom

#350
so he could make sweet love to Margaret in private.

#351
I heard you gave quite a performance, Macwell.

#352
Mmm.

#353
Mmm!

#354
- Mmm! - Oh!

#355
Okay, that's enough, all right?

#356
God, that's your sister.

#357
- Uh… - Yeah.

#358
You know what? Just move past it. Tell the story, please.

#359
She's still expecting a call.

#360
That's not gonna happen, so just move past it.

#361
You will call her!

#362
Jesus, man, I'm sorry. Fine, I'll call her.

#363
As I was saying,

#364
Dee came out of the bathroom in quite a rage.

#365
Stupid costume.

#366
Everybody calling me a bird.

#367
She accosted the girl you were all ogling that evening.

#368
Hey, you, everybody thinks you're so hot, huh? You big hot bird.

#369
Well, I tell you what. You take it off and switch with me.

#370
What are you talking about? Me, mine…

#371
This is mine now. Switch it.

#372
- Uh, I don't think so. - "Oh, I don't think so."

#373
I didn't ask you, okay?

#374
Listen. All right, number one, it's a win-win for both of us.

#375
That weird plumber, he's gonna leave you alone.

#376
That's good, right? And then the second great thing for you

#377
is I'm not gonna beat the shit out of you, so let's go.

#378
Dee came out of the bathroom in her new costume feeling quite saucy.

#379
Call me a bird all night. Making fun, saying names.

#380
Well, let's see who's sexy now, dickwads.

#381
'Cause I look good.

#382
Dee was clearly on a warpath…

#383
to prove to one of you that she was indeed sexy.

#384
The best way to do that was to trick one of you into making love.

#385
Knowing that Charlie was the weakest

#386
and by far the most vulnerable,

#387
she assumed he would be the easiest to takeadvantage of.

#388
And so she took Charlie into the back office and had her way with him.

#389
You should see the look on your face.

#390
It's good enough to eat.

#391
No. Hold on a second. That wasn't me.

#392
- What? - I switched costumes with Dennis.

#393
That was Dennis.

#394
So Dennis thought Deandra was the peacock chick.

#395
And Dee thought that Dennis was Charlie?

#396
So Dee thinks that I'm the dad, but, Dennis, you're the dad!

#397
Delightful.

#398
Oh, shit. I'm gonna be sick.

#399
Go. Do it.

#400
Feel it. Let it out.

#401
Let's just… Let's just get out of here.

#402
Don't flush.

#403
- Dee! - Deandra!

#404
Dee! Dee!

#405
- Deandra! - Yeah!

#406
This is bad! This is real bad!

#407
You thought you had sex with Charlie,

#408
but it was Dennis that you went into the back room with.

#409
See?

#410
I had sex with you. It was sex with me.

#411
He threw up the whole way over here, Dee.

#412
Dennis is the father of that baby.

#413
We got to get you and that monster that's in your gut down to Mexico A.S.A.P.!

#414
Are you kidding me? I did not have sex with Dennis.

#415
Yes, you did! Yeah… All right, look, look.

#416
You went in the back office with him, not me.

#417
You thought it was me, you wanted sex from me! But you got sex from Dennis!

#418
You're saying that because I went into the back office alone with Dennis,

#419
that I must have had sex with him?

#420
Gross! No! That did not happen.

#421
Have you guys been obsessing about this all night long?

#422
- Yes! - Yeah?

#423
We were trying to figure out who the father is.

#424
If it's not Dennis, who is it?

#425
- It's none of you. - Huh?

#426
No, none of you are the father.

#427
I told you that 'cause you were making fun of me for eating the sandwich,

#428
and I thought it would upset you and get you going, and it worked.

#429
You guys have been obsessing about this all night.

#430
So, wait…

#431
Are you absolutely sure that you and I did not have sex,

#432
and that that's not my…

#433
Uh, yeah.

#434
- Whoa! Ho, ho! - Whoo!

#435
Yeah, but I'll tell you what.

#436
I'm not gonna tell you who the father is.

#437
- Who gives a shit? - Yeah.

#438
You all give a shit. You just said so. You were up all night.

#439
You were thinking about it all night long.

#440
That was before, when you said it was one of us.

#441
- Now that it's not one of us, I mean… - Who cares?

#442
- Who cares, right? - It's no big deal.

#443
- Yeah, we don't care. - All right. Oh, my God.

#444
I got to take a… Oh, Jesus.

#445
- Whoo, ooh! - Whoa, baby!

#446
Whoo!

#447
- This close, baby. - That is a load off my shoulders, man.

#448
- I really dodged a bullet on that one. - You did, man.

#449
- Well, we all did. We all did. - Hey, what about the museum?

#450
- Huh? - Yes!

#451
- We could do it. - Boom.

#452
There's still time! Dee, we're out of here!

#453
You look like a turkey! Yeah.

#454
- I would say, you look like an ostrich! - Yes!

#455
- Right? - That's pretty good.

#456
You know, I want to call her an emu,

#457
- but I want to save it for, you know… - Save it, save it, save it.

#458
You are a big, fat, flightless bird!

#459
- Yeah, yeah! - Those are all…

#460
- Those are all… - Yeah, I mean…

#461
Just sort of the general whatever.

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