Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E10 — Charlie Kelly - King of the Rats

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 10 — Charlie Kelly - King of the Rats

#1
So, what you said when you come face-to-face

#2
with something like that,

#3
what are you supposed to do?

#4
You just have to laugh.

#5
- Hey, buddy. - Yeah, what's going on there, pal?

#6
Oh, my God. I just found a rat's nest.

#7
Slaughtered about 200 of 'em.

#8
Two-Two hundred? Couldn't be. That's…

#9
- Jesus Christ. - Uh, it's like…

#10
It's like whole generations of those things have died

#11
at my hands, and…

#12
mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.

#13
Oh, yeah.

#14
- Wow. - Well, you know,

#15
- keep up the good work. - Yeah.

#16
Sometimes I wonder though if…

#17
our lives are really more valuable than theirs.

#18
You know what I mean?

#19
Yeah.

#20
- They are. - Yeah.

#21
- Our lives are, definitely. Yeah. - Without a doubt.

#22
- Yeah. - Without a doubt.

#23
If that makes you feel any…

#24
- Yeah, well… - Mm-hmm.

#25
I suppose I oughta…

#26
Get back to it?

#27
- Yep. - Jump right back in there, tiger.

#28
Get on the horse, Charlie.

#29
Bash. Bash 'em up.

#30
Do what you do best.

#31
All right. Thanks, guys.

#32
I just gotta go to the bathroom.

#33
Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#34
- All right, man. - He touched me with it.

#35
Ugh! God, what a life, huh?

#36
- Today's his birthday. - Are you kidding me?

#37
- Poor guy, on a day like this. - Oh, my God.

#38
We ought to do something nice for him.

#39
- Definitely. - Yeah. Absolutely.

#40
Oh. You wanna get him a new rat stick?

#41
That's a good idea.

#42
I was thinking maybe we should throw him a surprise party.

#43
- He is really bummed. - I guess we could do

#44
- something nice for him. - Definitely. Listen. For one day,

#45
let's make the poor bastard feel special.

#46
For one day, let's make this lowly rat killer

#47
feel like a king.

#48
Yes.

#49
In the simplest…

#50
- Easiest way. - …easiest…

#51
I'm tired today, you know?

#52
Here it is. I got it.

#53
I'm thinking we go with a Hawaiian trip-hop…

#54
- underground luau theme. - What?

#55
- Hmm? - What even is that?

#56
You know, Charlie's been hanging around with this guy Duncan

#57
from under the bridge, and he runs with this rough crowd,

#58
and they're all into this Hawaiian

#59
underground shit, you know?

#60
And I made a little list of stuff that would really

#61
support that theme.

#62
"Fill bar with sand. Roast wild pig.

#63
Invite Duncan and crew."

#64
Ooh, this seems like a whole lot of work.

#65
Does anybody really even like surprise parties anyway?

#66
- I don't. - You know…

#67
What the hell's the matter with you?

#68
How did you get so cynical?

#69
- Cynical? - You can't even get excited

#70
to give your friend a party.

#71
I mean, giving somebody a birthday party,

#72
a surprise party,

#73
is one of the greatest things you can do for him.

#74
- Okay, Frank, all right, all right. - All right.

#75
Well, maybe we are being a little cynical.

#76
Clearly, this means a lot to you, so fine.

#77
We'll jump on board with the party. What's the plan?

#78
- Okay. - All right. The plan is you guys

#79
- execute this list. - Mm-hmm.

#80
I am gonna take Charlie to the spa for a day

#81
- to distract him. - Hold on a second.

#82
Why do you get to spend the day at a spa

#83
while we do all the legwork?

#84
Because I got these two coupons in the mail.

#85
Okay, I'm pregnant, and you haven't

#86
offered me coupons…

#88
or any of those fun things.

#89
Oh, oh, okay. Well, in the interest

#90
of not being cynical…

#91
and, you know, doing shit for other people,

#92
I'm gonna suggest that we give

#93
the two coupons to Dee…

#94
and she does the spa thing.

#95
- Surprise. - Perfect. Thank you.

#96
All right, cool. I will take this coupon

#98
Oh, wait, wait. What? What?

#99
- What? - No, you have to take Charlie

#100
with you to the spa. That's the whole thing.

#101
- You have to distract him. That's… - Oh, shit. Yeah.

#102
Frank, you might be right about us getting cynical.

#103
I just… I just jumped straight to default…

#104
and was gonna throw this second coupon in the trash.

#105
- Right. - But the Charlie thing,

#106
yup, we're doing the Charlie thing.

#107
Okay. I got it. I'm on it.

#108
Okay.

#110
Hey, listen, uh, you've been really stressed,

#111
so I thought I would take you for a spa day,

#112
just you and me.

#113
A what day?

#115
I feel like you're starting to say a word

#116
- and you're not finishing it. - Are you trying to say "spaghetti"?

#117
Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

#118
No, Charlie, I wasn't trying to take you for a spaghetti day.

#119
Oh, God, you know what? It doesn't matter.

#120
It's okay. That's all right. I'm doing something nice here.

#122
- Wanna go to a movie? - Dee, I go to a movie

#123
or a spaghetti place with you, you know, and out there, I'm the rat.

#124
What if I guarantee you that nobody out there

#126
Would that comfort you at all?

#127
No. That's a guarantee you can't make, Dee,

#129
That's why I'm building this little puppy.

#130
- Yeah. Don't do… Okay. - And no one's getting bashed.

#131
I tell you what Charlie, if you don't come

#132
with me to the movie, I'm gonna take this raccoon of yours

#133
and bash it into a telephone pole.

#134
No! I can't take any more bashing today, all right?

#135
Let's go. This will be fun.

#136
All right, let's go.

#137
- Dennis. - Yeah?

#138
Check that box of tiki torches.

#139
Start setting those up.

#141
What is this? We didn't put this in here.

#142
- Surprise! - What is that? What'd you do?

#143
I got you a present, bro.

#144
I'm trying to be less cynical. And Frank is totally right.

#145
The surprise is the way to go.

#146
- So you got me a gift. - Yes.

#148
I slipped out…

#149
and I got you something I think you're gonna like.

#150
Okay, all right.

#151
Okay.

#152
- Ah! - Oh! Oh! Shirt!

#153
I love this shirt.

#154
That's great, man. Thank you.

#155
This isn't the shirt that I picked out.

#156
- Yeah. No. Well, no. - What is this?

#157
It's the shirt that I… That I picked out.

#158
But that's cool.

#159
Here's the thing, man. I…

#160
I got a little suspicious when you slipped out earlier,

#161
and so I followed you into the store,

#162
and I saw that you were about to make

#163
a really bad choice, and then you did make that choice

#164
and you bought that other shirt.

#165
And it was a bad shirt. It was an ugly shirt, hideous really.

#166
So I grabbed that shirt out of the bag

#167
when you weren't looking, and I returned it

#168
and I bought myself this shirt, which isn't hideous.

#169
- And so, surprise. - That was a good shirt.

#170
No.

#172
I feel nothing. I feel like you just stole money from me…

#173
and then you bought yourself a…

#174
- shirt. - A shirt with your money.

#175
- Yeah. - Well, that is what happened.

#176
That is a ridiculous price, and you know it.

#177
Supposing I bought a pig unseasoned

#178
and dressed it myself?

#179
Then what? What then?

#180
Well, that's not what Jerry Carelli said,

#181
asshole.

#182
Ha! Pitting two pig dealers against each other.

#183
- Ah, sure. - Frank, are you sure

#184
about this luau thing? I mean, it's a ton of work.

#185
Yeah. Does Charlie even know what a luau is?

#186
I doubt Charlie can even say the word "luau."

#187
I mean, how do you know that this is what he wants?

#188
Well, because I read it in his dream book.

#189
His what? His dream book?

#190
Yeah. Charlie keeps a book of dreams and aspirations.

#191
They're mostly in pictures and symbols,

#192
but he has been obsessing about this luau thing…

#193
since we met Duncan under the bridge.

#194
Okay, now, my first instinct…

#195
when you say things about meeting people under bridges…

#196
is to berate you for hanging out with people under a bridge…

#197
and to say to you, "Why do you hang out

#198
with these people? You and Charlie shouldn't be asso…"

#199
But I'm not gonna say anything because I don't

#200
wanna be cynical anymore. I'm not gonna say anything. I'm…

#201
Maybe the bridge is exciting.

#202
The bridge is awesome.

#203
Ooh. It's probably pretty cool.

#204
Ooh. Hold on a second.

#205
Hey. It's the other pig guy.

#206
Ha. So you come crawling back,

#207
you cheap sack of shit.

#208
You can't bring food into the theater.

#209
Hmm? Oh, no, I'm not.

#210
I… I bought it over there with that food.

#211
No, you didn't.

#212
How do you know that?

#213
Because we don't serve spaghetti…

#214
and I just watched you walk in with it.

#215
You called my bluff, sir. I shall dispose

#216
of this posthaste.

#217
A moment, please.

#218
Dee, do me a favor. Pop this into your purse real quick.

#219
No. Absolutely not. No. Why did you have to bring spaghetti…

#220
You got me hankering for spaghetti and I want it.

#221
- Just eat it fast and we'll go. - No. I wanna enjoy it

#222
- and watch the movie. - It's gonna make a mess in my purse.

#223
I'm leaving because the spaghetti is the whole deal for me.

#224
Goddamn it. Just godddamn it. Just put it in. Be careful.

#225
- This is so stupid. - Okay. And there we go!

#226
- Got rid of it. - Great. Thank you.

#227
Okay. Look at this place, Dee. Look at the size of this place.

#228
What does 3-D even stand for?

#229
Third dimension.

#230
Just please stop talking.

#231
Third dimen… What dimension are we in?

#232
Shh. Charlie, I don't know.

#233
Isn't stuff supposed to pop out at us?

#234
I don't know. I'm not sure. Let's watch and find out.

#235
Whoa!

#236
- Did you see that? - Yeah, I saw that.

#237
That came right at you. Is this safe?

#238
- Are you kidding me? - Well, I don't know.

#239
Take the glasses off if you're uncomfortable, okay?

#240
- But then everything's blurry. - Then put the glasses on

#241
and shut the hell up.

#242
- Shh. - You shh.

#243
- See, stuff's not safe. - Uh-oh.

#244
Whoa. What happened to my meatball?

#245
- Would you shut up? - Oh, no.

#246
- I bet it flew off when I… - Okay, you are a sleuth.

#247
You've gotten to the bottom of it.

#248
- That's very exciting. Now shut up. - Let me just find it.

#249
- I'm sorry. - Charlie, sit down.

#250
- Did you see a meatball over here? - Oh, my god Charlie, I swear to God

#251
If you don't sit down and shut up and watch the movie,

#252
I'm gonna attack you.

#253
I don't care how pregnant I am, and I'm gonna get out of the seat,

#254
- I'm gonna attack you. - I got it. I got it.

#255
You got it? Okay good. Sit down.

#256
- Got the meatball. - Sit down!

#257
- Quiet down! - The movie's boring.

#258
You… How would you… You're not watching the movie.

#259
Uh-oh.

#260
- You're not gonna like this. - What happened?

#261
Ah, nuts. Some spaghetti kinda spilled in your purse a little bit.

#262
Oh, shit. Want your spaghetti, Charlie?

#263
You want your spaghetti? Here's your spaghetti.

#264
Oh, don't dump it on the ground like that.

#265
- Shut up and watch the movie. - I don't wanna shut up

#266
and watch the movie. Can't eat spaghetti.

#267
Can't follow the movie. Doesn't make sense.

#268
I'm going back to the bar. I'm taking the spaghetti.

#269
- Go to the bar. - Excuse me.

#270
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

#271
Dude, I just saw another rat.

#272
Yeah, I know. There's definitely a ton of rats in here,

#273
- that's for sure. - I see him. I see him.

#274
- Oh, shit. We gotta distract him. - Yeah.

#275
- I'll tell him the keg exploded. - No. That's a stupid idea.

#276
That's a stupid idea. We're going with the burst pipe.

#277
I like the keg idea.

#278
Your ideas are so stupid. Go with the burst pipe.

#279
- That would never happen. - Whatever. We gotta go.

#280
- A keg would never explode. - Hey, Charlie!

#281
Charlie! Charlie boy!

#282
Hey, where'd you get those glasses, bud?

#283
Oh, these? They're just, like, third-dimension glasses, you know?

#284
Don't really work though, 'cause I feel like

#285
I'm still seeing stuff in whatever dimension we live in.

#286
- Uh, right. - Yeah.

#287
Well, listen, um, you can't really go in the bar right now, bro.

#288
- Why not? - No, because a keg exploded.

#289
- Well, a pipe… Yeah. - Holy shit. Can that happen?

#290
A piece of metal flew off the keg

#291
and hit Dennis right in the dick.

#292
Holy shit! Are you okay?

#293
Yeah. No, I-I'm fine. I got lucky.

#294
It mashed right into it. We all thought he was gonna lose it.

#295
Charlie, it lumped it up and mangled it like

#296
- a chicken potpie down there. - Oh, God. Dickless Dennis.

#297
- No. It's totally fine. - That's what we should call him…

#298
Dickless Dennis.

#299
Oh, Dickless Dennis. But it doesn't apply…

#300
because my dick totally went back to normal,

#301
- and it's fine now. I'll show it to you. - I don't wanna see it.

#302
Anyway, moving on, how was the spa?

#303
Spa?

#304
Sp… Oh, spaghetti. How's my spaghetti?

#305
- Dee threw it on the floor. - No, no. The spa.

#306
The spa that Dee took you to.

#307
Oh, no, she took me to a movie.

#308
Yeah, it was lame. I couldn't understand it.

#309
Made no sense.

#310
That cynical bitch.

#311
Hello. I would like to redeem this coupon.

#312
And go ahead and toss this one in the trash for me.

#313
- Busted! See? - You're busted, Dee.

#314
What? What are you guys doing here?

#315
I'm taking Charlie to the spa because he's stressed.

#316
A keg exploded in the bar. Blew Dennis's dick off.

#317
- No, no. - It's a mess down there. It's a monster.

#318
- My dick is fine, Dee. - What?

#319
- Let me have those coupons. - No. You said I could have them.

#320
Dee, you were supposed to take Charlie.

#321
Yeah. I tried to take Charlie, but he refused to go.

#322
What is your spaghetti policy here?

#323
Are you hearing this? Are you hearing this?

#324
He doesn't belong in a place like this, you guys.

#325
All right, come on. We're wasting time.

#326
Go get Duncan and the bridge crew

#327
and bring them to the bar. I'll occupy Charlie.

#328
- No. - Where's the robes?

#329
I think this is it, right here.

#330
This is sketchy as hell.

#331
Yeah.

#332
Hey. Um, yeah, we're looking for Duncan.

#333
- Oh, let's go. - Oh, yeah, we should

#334
take that as a sign, right?

#335
Come on in.

#336
Yeah?

#337
You pregnant.

#338
Come on now.

#339
- What is happening in here? - I don't know.

#340
- Come on now. - All right.

#341
Mr. Duncan, we were wondering if we could talk

#342
- to you about… - I ain't no Duncan.

#343
It's this nigga right here about to go level three and shit.

#344
- What's up? - Oh, you're Duncan.

#345
Mr. Duncan, we were wondering if you could come to

#346
- a surprise party for Charlie. - Who?

#347
Charlie. He's Frank's friend.

#348
You guys have all been hanging out under a bridge.

#349
Oh, yeah. Frank. I know that bitch.

#350
Okay. Hey, listen. Frank mentioned that you

#351
- might be willing… - Oh, shit! Level three, son!

#352
Yo! Level three!

#353
Guys, come over here. This is bizarre, okay?

#354
Charlie should not have anything to do with these people.

#355
They are deranged.

#356
Frank has too much influence over this whole thing, all right?

#357
I think we gotta stop and think about what Charlie wants.

#358
- Yeah. - We need to get our hands

#359
on Charlie's dream book and figure out

#360
what that kid wants ourselves.

#361
- Mother pus bucket! - You piece of shit!

#362
You broke my wall!

#363
What I tell you? Huh, son?

#364
Should we call the police?

#365
- No, no. Let's just go. - Let's get the hell out of here.

#366
All right.

#367
Charlie, let's go. Get in here.

#368
- Oh! Ooh! - Whew!

#369
Hey, guys, the management needs everybody

#370
to get out because they caught a guy jerking off in here…

#371
and they're gonna send in a crew

#372
to wipe down the loads.

#373
Go ahead. Go on. Let's go.

#374
God, it's terrible. It's really disgusting.

#375
Ah. Okay.

#376
Get rid of all the strange dongs.

#377
- Oh. - Yeah.

#378
- A little bit. - I don't get it, man.

#379
What's so relaxing about sitting around

#380
in a hot, wet room?

#381
It's all about opening up your pores, Charlie.

#382
- Yeah. - Yeah. Take your robe off.

#383
Yeah. That's it.

#384
You got your clothes on. You gotta take your clothes off.

#385
What? No way, dude. I'm not getting naked in public.

#386
Suit yourself, all right?

#387
I am going to roast like a pig.

#388
All right. I'm gonna eat spaghetti.

#389
Oh, God.

#390
Whoa. Hey, guys, guys, guys.

#391
I bet you this is it. "Dram… Dram bach."

#392
I bet that means "dream book."

#393
Yeah. Look at this, pictures and symbols.

#394
I don't see anything about our stupid luau,

#395
but, uh, this looks weird.

#396
What is that? What do you make of that, guys?

#397
That looks like a drawing of a pair of jeans.

#398
A plus sign and a chicken.

#399
- "Denim chicken." - Denim chicken.

#400
Okay, guys, my gut is telling me

#401
to throw this book in the trash.

#402
- Well, yeah. - It's absolute nonsense.

#403
I think we're all feeling the same things,

#404
but I think we need to fight that instinct.

#405
We have to throw a party for Charlie.

#406
It's so simple. If we can't do that,

#407
- what does that say about us? - You're right.

#408
This isn't about us. Let's not be cynical.

#409
- Let's do what the kid wants. - Yeah.

#410
If he wants a worm…

#411
- hat. - Worm hat.

#412
- Worm hat. - Okay. How do we get him a worm hat?

#413
- 'Cause, I don't know what that is. - I don't know. Maybe there's a drawing

#414
- or… What is that? - That's a bird with teeth.

#415
It sure is.

#416
Okay, look. We don't have a lot of time.

#417
So, let's figure out the best we can do.

#418
- Okay. We can do it. We can do it. - We'll do these things.

#419
- We'll do these things. - Okay. Let's go. Okay.

#420
Dude, how much longer do we have to stay in here?

#421
Come on. Just relax. Take your clothes off.

#422
I feel trapped in here, Frank.

#423
I'm trapped like a rat.

#424
Holy shit, I'm trapped like a rat, aren't I?

#425
- No, you're not, Charlie. - I'm a rat in here!

#426
I'm a rat!

#427
I'm trapped like a…

#428
- I gotta get out of here. - Calm down, Charlie.

#429
I'm tired of being in weird places, Frank,

#430
'cause I'm trapped like a rat.

#431
Calm down, Charlie. Calm down. Relax.

#432
- Okay. All right, all right. - I gotta get out of here!

#433
- Now calm down. - How do I get this off?

#434
Take it easy.

#435
- Charlie. Take it easy. - Just bash me, Frank.

#436
I'm not gonna bash you, Charlie.

#437
Just bash me like a rat!

#438
Bash me like a rat and get it over with!

#439
Oh. Sorry, guys.

#440
Just let me know when you're done.

#441
I'm the guy who wipes down the loads.

#442
- Hurry up. - I'm not wearing this stupid thing,

#443
- and that's it. - It's a lei.

#444
Surprise!

#445
What the shit is this? Where's my luau?

#446
- We went around you, Frank. - Yeah.

#447
- Happy birthday, Charlie. - Happy birthday.

#448
Happy birthday? Oh.

#449
Is that why you guys were doing all that

#450
- weird shit with me today? - Yeah. We were trying to distract you

#451
- so we could plan your party. - Thanks, guys. Yeah.

#452
It's not my birthday though.

#453
- Hmm? - It's not your birthday?

#454
- No. - No, dicks. It's my birthday.

#455
- Wha… - Are you kidding me?

#456
- No, I'm not kidding you. - Wait a second.

#457
Were you trying to get us to plan your surprise party?

#458
Why wouldn't you just plan it yourself?

#459
Well, that's lame.

#460
I mean, this way I get my surprise party…

#461
and I give you the satisfaction of doing

#462
- something nice for somebody. - Oh, my God.

#463
That is not doing something nice. That is tricking us.

#464
- Son of a bitch. - Where's Duncan?

#465
Where is… You should not be hanging out with Duncan.

#466
You should not be associating with people like that.

#467
I'm saying it. I don't care. It's coming out of my mouth.

#468
Those weird bridge people that are like…

#469
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#470
All that "hawwoowin lauow"?

#471
- I knew he couldn't say it. - Luau. Luau.

#472
- What is it? Hello. - Luau. Luau.

#473
- I mean, it's the word. - It's not a word. Huh?

#474
What do we got going on over here, guys?

#475
Okay. Well, Charlie, when we thought

#476
it was your birthday, we went through your dream book

#477
and we tried to re-create some of the stuff we found in there.

#478
Yes, that's okay. Um…

#479
- Denim chicken? - Yes!

#480
Yeah, denim chicken.

#481
- Now I got to reroute the pig delivery. - Nobody gives a shit.

#482
So we also have the bird, with teeth.

#483
- Yep. - Wow! Okay.

#484
And I'm assuming the teeth are fake, yes?

#485
Yes. Well, they're not real human teeth,

#486
if that's what you're asking me.

#487
No, I mean, did you discover a bird with teeth

#488
- in this fashion? - That does not exist in nature.

#489
Okay. I'm not sure about that, but either way,

#490
good glue work.

#491
Do any of you assholes wanna know how old I am?

#492
- Whatever, Frank. Okay. - Nobody…

#493
- All right, so… - Charlie, this is my favorite part.

#494
We weren't quite sure what a worm hat was, right?

#495
So we made a few of 'em. This is the first one.

#496
It's a hat made of worms, okay?

#497
And then option number two is a hat that you put on.

#498
And when you do that, you look like maybe you're a worm.

#499
- Like a worm, yeah. - And then the third one,

#500
and this is the best one Charlie, is a hat for your worm.

#501
Your teeny tiny little worm gets a teeny tiny little hat.

#502
- If you want him to be fancy. - So which one is it?

#503
- Which one were you talking about? - Yeah, that's right. That's right.

#504
Well, I don't recall ever writing "worm hat."

#505
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in your dream book.

#506
- Your… - Oh! "Wermhat."

#507
Yeah. That's a German guy. His name's Hans Wermhat.

#508
He appears in my dreams.

#509
He drives a biplane and he shoots it at me,

#510
- and I run through a field. - You know what? You guys blow.

#511
I'm gonna go find Duncan.

#512
- Go! Go! - Get lost! Wow! Guys!

#513
Wow! The denim chicken, the bird with teeth,

#514
Wermhat's worm hat.

#515
I mean, I don't know what to say, man.

#516
This is just what I needed today.

#517
Guess what, buddy. There's one more thing.

#518
Is that what I think it is?

#519
That's a new rat stick, dude.

#520
- Yeah. - And you can bash up

#521
a whole bunch of rats with one quick strike…

#522
- so it's more humane. - Yeah?

#523
Oh, man.

#524
- What do you think? - Oh, you like it?

#525
- I love it. I mean… - Aw.

#526
I don't know what to say 'cause no one's ever really, um…

#527
I don't know what to say, guys.

#528
You don't have to say anything, man.

#529
Maybe I could give it a quick whirl in the basement…

#530
and see if I could kill a couple rats.

#531
- Yeah. Absolutely. You've earned it. - You should.

#532
Go bash 'em up, buddy.

#533
Whoo!

#534
- What a life. - Yeah.

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