Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E11 — The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 11 — The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods

#1
Frank, I'd like to thank you for giving me

#2
- the opportunity of a lifetime. - Whatever.

#3
I hope they have some cool, exotic creatures

#4
for us to fiddle around with and play with.

#5
Dennis, we're going to an animal rights event.

#6
There's gonna be all sorts of exotic creatures there.

#7
- You think so? - Oh.

#8
Better have some cool stuff at this thing.

#9
I mean, the money I laid out for this charity, they could have built a zoo.

#10
Yeah. Actually, guys, zoos are animal prisons.

#11
You see, I've been boning up on my animal rights literature

#12
so I can have some talking points with Chase.

#13
He's a big animal rights lover, and he's gonna be there.

#14
Security is not gonna let you go

#15
- anywhere near Chase Utley, bro. - I doubt it.

#16
Those creepy letters you've been writing him?

#17
You've gotta be on a list somewhere.

#18
What are you giving me shit for, okay?

#19
Dee's the one going after Ryan Howard all of a sudden.

#20
Well, so what? Why is that weird? That makes perfect sense.

#21
I'm a hot, single lady. He's a hot, single man.

#22
Hot? Dee, you're pregnant as shit.

#23
- Frank, this shortcut sucks. - It ain't a shortcut.

#24
Well, why in the hell are we in the woods?

#25
Get on the A.C. Expressway.

#26
- It goes straight to Atlantic City. - I'm avoiding tolls.

#27
Okay, hold on a second. You're willing to shell out

#28
tons of money for a charity,

#29
and you can't spare a couple bucks for a toll road?

#30
What do you want me to do, give all my money to some toll jockey?

#31
- Yeah! - Just for riding on a street?

#32
- Squirrel! - What?

#33
Oh, thank God. That was close.

#34
Why did you do that, Mac? Goddamn it!

#35
You almost ran over that squirrel, Frank.

#36
So you should've let me mash it. It's just a dumb-ass squirrel.

#37
Hey, do not say stupid shit like that tonight at the animal rights event.

#38
But I can't wait to make my speech.

#39
I'm gonna get up there and lace into these liberal nut jobs.

#40
What? I thought you loved animals now.

#41
No. I only donated all this money so I could make a mockery of their cause.

#42
Animals should be food, rugs and trophies.

#43
Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit?

#44
Are you? Is that leather?

#45
- You bet your ass it's leather. - Huh.

#46
I just assumed it was plastic.

#47
- Who wears a plastic suit? - I don't know, Frank.

#48
But I don't question the things you do anymore.

#49
Listen, I'm gonna call us a tow truck

#50
- and get us out of here. - Yeah.

#51
I'm not getting any bars though. You getting any bars, Frank?

#52
I got nothin'. What gives?

#53
What gives is that we're in the middle

#54
of goddamn nowhere.

#55
What happened? Are we in A.C.?

#56
No, we're not in A.C. because Mac wrecked the car,

#57
- and now we're stranded somewhere. - Oh, man!

#58
"Come to Atlantic City," you said.

#59
"Let us tie you up and put a sack on your head so you don't freak out.

#60
That'll be a good adventure," you said.

#61
Well, I'm freaking out a little bit.

#62
Relax. Relax, Charlie. This is gonna be a great adventure.

#63
This is exciting. This is the unknown. This is all part of it, man.

#64
Well, it ain't a great adventure to me.

#65
Riding on a private jet, sipping champagne,

#66
that's an adventure.

#67
Then why didn't you fly us in a private jet to A.C.?

#68
It's only 80 miles. You know how quick that trip would be?

#69
It'd be a total waste of money.

#70
This is why I don't leave Philly, all right.

#71
You leave Philly, and bad shit happens.

#72
I mean, trees? Everywhere trees? What the hell is this place?

#73
- All right. I'm hitching a ride back home. - Calm down, Char…

#74
Let's all walk, and we'll find some help, okay?

#75
I'm not walking, 'cause I got a baby on board, my feet hurt.

#76
I'm not going anywhere 'cause this suit is, like, chafing me up like crazy.

#77
Oh, Jesus. All right. Mac and I and Charlie

#78
will go find some help. Okay?

#79
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Except I'm not gonna go.

#80
I'm gonna hang back and oil up my glove.

#81
Your glo… What is your endgame in this?

#82
I'm gonna have a catch with Chase Utley.

#83
You… we got… Chase Utley is not gonna have a catch with you.

#84
- Come on. Come on. - Don't you say that, Charlie!

#85
- Don't you say that! - Listen. We're gonna find help.

#86
- Hurry. - Hurry up, guys. Hurry up.

#87
'Cause I got to get to Chase.

#88
Does the air taste weird out here, or is it just me?

#89
No. It's just you.

#90
Listen, I know you have a lot of anxiety going on right now.

#91
But you gotta understand, we're both in uncharted waters here.

#92
Wouldn't you say?

#93
But listen, you would consider me a pretty methodical person,

#94
- wouldn't you? - Oh, yeah, like a serial killer.

#95
Serial killer. I like that. I like that.

#96
It's a little bit of an exaggeration, but I see your point.

#97
- Yeah. - And I like it. I take it as a compliment.

#98
Well, listen, sometimes even I can't control everything.

#99
So when a new experience presents itself to me,

#101
- Say yes, huh? - Yeah. Hey, let me show you something.

#102
Let me show you something. Look.

#103
Huh. You wearing makeup?

#104
Well, I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation.

#106
Oh, shit! You got a lesion, dude.

#107
No, it's not… That's not a lesion. It's a hickey.

#108
You never seen a hickey?

#109
No, I have. Eew! Weird!

#110
I thought women our age didn't give hickeys anymore.

#111
Oh, no, they don't. Young ladies do though.

#112
And I met an extremely young lady the other day,

#113
- and she gave me this hickey. - Weird!

#114
No, she was legal. She was totally legal.

#115
I always check their licenses. That's not the point.

#116
The point is, how did I meet this young woman?

#117
Well, I got caught unexpectedly in a rainstorm one day,

#118
so I retreated into a local theater.

#119
There I caught a matinee.

#120
And during this matinee, I saw this young woman.

#121
I introduced myself.

#122
And we both got caught up in the moment,

#123
we said yes to the new experience,

#124
and that's how I wound up with this wonderful

#125
- and very sexual hickey. - Huh.

#126
You see where I… You see what I'm saying

#127
- about adventure, Charlie? - Yeah, you always say yes to everything.

#128
Well, no, I don't always say yes.

#129
That's absurd. I'd be a dead man, wouldn't I, if I said yes to everything.

#130
Oh, shit, dude. Look at that truck right there.

#131
- Oh, yeah. - Do you think there's someone in there?

#132
Well…

#133
what do we say in this scenario, Charlie?

#134
We say yes.

#135
We say yes.

#136
Hiya. Sorry to wake you up there. Sorry.

#137
What do you want?

#138
Our car broke down a little ways back.

#141
but I'm about to hit the road myself.

#142
- You can always hitch a ride with me. - Oh. Where you headed?

#143
Atlantic City.

#144
You got any munchies in the car? I'm grumbling.

#145
No, Frank, we don't have anything in the car…

#146
because we were starving ourselves for the casino buffet.

#147
It was only supposed to be a 45-minute drive.

#148
I gotta eat pretty soon. I'm starting to get woozy.

#149
Yeah, I'm starting to get woozy too.

#150
I've been starving myself for a few days for Chase.

#151
What?

#152
I wanted to create that sort of gaunt,

#153
angular look with my cheekbones to impress him.

#154
You know, give myself a more athletic look.

#155
But I'm starving.

#156
All right, let's jump into the forest and we'll find some food there.

#157
Holy shit balls! It's a rabbit!

#158
Whoa, whoa! Frank, no! We are not killing any animals, okay?

#160
Okay, fine. Dee, come with me.

#162
Where are you, wabbit?

#163
I'm gonna get you, wabbit.

#164
Oh.

#165
There you are.

#166
What the hell?

#168
Shit! How'd you do that?

#169
Why are you staring at me?

#170
Why are you giving me that look?

#171
Whoa.

#172
We're having a moment here, aren't we?

#173
You boys are, uh, awfully dressed up.

#175
Sure, yeah, well, we're on our way to Atlantic City for a charity event.

#176
You kind of threw me with those outfits.

#177
Don't usually find lot lizards out in the wild.

#179
A lot lizard would be a, uh…

#180
A lizard.

#181
You know. Truck stop whores. I mean…

#182
- Oh! - No offense.

#183
No, man, none taken, because we're not whores.

#184
- No, no, we're not prostitutes. - Definitely not a lizard.

#185
- Hey, hey. Shh. - Hey.

#186
Your secret's safe with me. Don't worry too. I'm not a cop.

#187
- We're not… - And I'm not gonna judge you neither.

#189
- I'm not surprised. - Oh, I appreciate that. I appreciate that.

#190
- But again, not prostitutes. - Not lizards though.

#191
Save your seduction for someone else.

#192
I do not tangle with lizards no more.

#193
No.

#194
Back in the day, sure, I would've indulged. Hell…

#196
I would've let you make me, uh, make me into a mailbox.

#199
I got a wife now.

#200
So I will not suck you, and I will not be sucked on by you.

#201
Okay? That's it.

#202
That's a 10-4.

#203
Yeah, we read you loud and clear.

#204
And just to reiterate, we don't suck on people.

#205
- We own a bar. - You run a bar?

#206
- Oh, I'm sure you do. - Yeah.

#208
How far are we from Atlantic City? Is it a long ride, or…

#209
We're a long way from Atlantic City, a long way.

#210
- Still got a ways, huh? - Yeah.

#211
It's grass, Mac. You're eating grass.

#214
Look, Charlie is a survivor. All right?

#216
Eew. What is that?

#217
That's a dead crow.

#218
Well, I'm definitely not eating that.

#219
Wait, wait, whoa. Why not?

#220
Because it is a disgusting dead bird, that's why.

#221
You eat dead chickens and dead turkeys all the time.

#222
- That's so hypocritical. - Okay, that's not hypocritical.

#223
People eat chickens and turkeys.

#224
- Nobody eats a crow. It's a trash bird. - You know what I do think?

#225
I think we're gonna give this crow a proper burial.

#226
Well, I'm not gonna do that. But what I will do is use it as bait. Ooh!

#227
What if we hide in the bushes

#229
to come along and grab it,

#231
- I'm gonna go to the car… - I'm not doing that. No!

#233
then we can pick up this trash bird with it, and we'll do my plan.

#234
- I'm not helping you. I'm not helping you. - That's all right. I'll do it myself.

#235
- I'll eat alone. - I'm gonna find Frank.

#236
- I'm gonna get him on my team, okay? - Good.

#237
Frank?

#238
Hey, Frank, where are you, bro?

#239
- Oh, there you are. - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

#242
We've been staring at each other for 10 minutes.

#243
I… He's not afraid of me.

#244
He's looking at me like he knows me.

#245
He's looking at me like he can see right through my soul.

#246
He probably can, dude.

#247
That is the connection between man and beast.

#248
Animals can see souls. That is a fact of nature.

#249
No!

#250
- Deandra, what the hell are you doing? - It's cool, you guys, I got it.

#251
I got it. We can eat.

#252
We can't eat the rabbit. He's got my soul.

#253
- What are you talking about? - They had a moment, Dee.

#254
- They shared a connection. - I know it's cute, you guys,

#255
but, come on, this isn't about us anymore.

#256
I got to feed the baby. Mac, grab it by the head

#257
- and wring its neck off. - I would rather grab your head

#258
and wring your neck for wanting to kill this rabbit, all right?

#259
You want to eat it so bad, you kill it.

#260
Fine.

#261
I will kill it. I'll kill it, and I'll eat it myself.

#262
- I'm gonna kill the shit out of it. - Don't.

#263
Okay. This is us right here.

#264
Atlantic City.

#265
Great. Yeah, thanks… No.

#266
We were hoping to be dropped off at a casino though.

#267
- This is just a motel. - I know.

#268
And I thought we would slip into a room…

#269
and you…could check my oil.

#270
Oh. No.

#271
Um, what happened, man?

#272
- I don't know. - No, I'm sorry. I… No.

#273
Shoot, hell, maybe I knew I wanted it when I gave you the ride.

#274
- No, no, no, no. You're better, Byron. - Yeah!

#275
- Remember you changed? - Byron, you've changed.

#276
You don't want this kind of thing anymore.

#277
- No, I do want this kind of thing. - No, you don't.

#278
You would not suck me and you would not, um,

#279
- be sucked by me. - Be sucked by us!

#280
- I take that back. I don't mean that. - You can't take that back!

#281
- No take backs! - I didn't mean any of those things.

#282
Look, think about your wife. Remember, you said you love your wife.

#283
I do, I do, I do. I do, but… Good.

#284
I got cash in my pocket, I got desire in my heart,

#285
and I'm a-frothin' and a-foamin', and I was thinking… Hey. Hey.

#286
I got an idea.

#287
What do you say…

#288
we slip into a room and you two split me open

#289
- like a coconut? - Oh.

#290
Dennis, what do we say in this situation?

#291
We say no! We're gonna say no in this situation.

#292
- Why? No! Why? - Uh, it's just a…

#293
- Oh, my God, dude! - Look at that!

#294
Should've locked my damn door. Should've locked the door.

#295
Well, that was definitely an adventure, huh?

#296
Yeah, well, sometimes the adventures aren't always good ones.

#297
Yeah, but I said yes to the new experience. Right?

#298
I'm out of Philly, I'm alive, and I'm not afraid of truckers anymore.

#299
Yeah. Well, if anything, you should be more afraid of truckers now,

#300
but I do see your point.

#301
Hey, listen, I'm gonna try and get in touch with the guys, okay?

#302
Aw, shit.

#303
Dude, I left my jacket in the truck.

#304
I had everything in that jacket. It had all my money.

#305
It had my phone. Do you have any money?

#306
Uh, yeah, it's all right there.

#307
- I put it all on black. - What?

#308
- No, no, no, no, no! - Black wins!

#309
- Baby! - Oh, whew! God!

#310
- But that was lucky. That was lucky. - Yeah, I know.

#311
But you know what, dude? You were right.

#312
I said yes to this little adventure, and I won.

#313
- All right. - Would you like to bet again, sir?

#314
- Yes, I would. - No. No.

#315
- Let it ride, please. - What are you doing?

#316
Dude, I am gonna say yes to everything!

#317
We can't say yes to everything.

#318
- That is all of our money, dude. - No, it's all my money.

#319
You lost yours when you said no

#320
- to the trucker. - What?

#321
Did you want to say yes to the trucker? Did you want to go

#322
- bang the trucker in that motel? - I don't know.

#323
We say yes to the trucker, we go to the motel room,

#324
he passes out and dies, we walk away with a free 18-wheeler.

#325
Dude, we are gonna lose all of our money.

#326
- Black wins again! - Oh, baby! Whoo!

#327
Yes! Yes, yes!

#328
Let it ride, please. Let it ride.

#329
- Keep it coming. - Okay, okay, yeah, let it ride.

#330
I want to bash you, bunny.

#331
I want to give you one good bash and eat your sweet, delicious meat.

#332
You can't kill the rabbit, Deandra. It's got my soul.

#333
It's got the man's soul, Dee.

#334
Maybe I'll suffocate you. I'll suffocate your rabbit face.

#335
Then I'll just suck all the life out of it and then twist your neck and…

#336
Look, can we do this thing, for crying out loud?

#337
- Yes, absolutely. - This is absolutely ridiculous,

#338
holding a funeral for a crow.

#339
Yes, that's right, we are. We are honoring its life.

#340
- I want to say a couple words. - Yes, please.

#341
Uh, I've never been good to animals, wearing a leather suit and all.

#342
And, uh, also, I kicked a dog in a subway once.

#343
It was a real jerk move. I'm really sorry I did it,

#344
and I like animals now.

#345
That was beautiful, Frank.

#346
Okay, where the hell are Charlie and Dennis?

#347
I feel like they're not coming back for us.

#348
They're coming back, okay?

#349
Guys, let's just do the right thing.

#350
Good night, sweet prince.

#351
Oh, God, you… You've gotta be kidding me. Come on.

#352
- Ave Maria - FRANK: Ave Maria

#353
Are you kidding me?

#354
I mean, I never thought I would hold $15,000.

#355
That's amazing, bro. Listen, I thought I was teaching you today.

#356
Let me tell you something, my friend. You were teaching me.

#357
- I know. Look at all this amazing food. - Oh, I'm starving.

#358
I mean, they've got stuff I've never even seen before.

#359
- Yeah. - What is that?

#360
Hi there. You two are with the Reynolds party, yes?

#361
Yeah. Yes.

#362
- Is one of you Frank? - Oh, actually, uh…

#363
Yes.

#364
Hi, Mr. Reynolds. I'm Deborah. We spoke on the phone.

#365
Yes. Yes!

#366
Well, now, I know you'd like to say a few words.

#367
Is it all right if we have you up to speak now?

#368
- Uh… - Yes, it is.

#369
- Great. Well, come on. - Yes! Yes, yes, yes.

#370
Mr. Reynolds here is one of our largest new donors.

#371
Well, it's donors like him that makes our work for animals possible.

#372
Thank you. Thank you. I am Frank Reynolds.

#373
- Yes, yes, yes. - Yes, yes.

#374
"Yes." That's the word I want to talk about.

#375
- But first, let's talk about animals. - Yes.

#376
If animals have taught me anything,

#377
it's that you can easily die, and very quickly,

#378
under a bus and on the side of the road.

#379
- Yes. - Okay?

#380
So you have to live in the now. Live in the now!

#381
I'm gonna live in the now right now.

#382
I'm gonna donate another $5,000 to this charity right now.

#383
Oh! Oh! That's a… oh, you… That's too generous.

#384
- This is for the rats! - Take it easy.

#385
- All right. Oh! - Okay.

#386
- For the rats, people. - Okay. Yeah.

#387
- Yeah. - And I'm done.

#388
- Good, good. - Uh, Mr. Reynolds,

#389
there's one more thing. Per your request,

#390
we were able to arrange a surprise night for your friend

#391
with two true all-stars of our organization,

#392
Chase Utley and Ryan Howard of the Philadelphia Phillies.

#393
- Hi. - Mac, right?

#394
Uh, yes.

#395
I hear you're my number one fan.

#396
Yes, I am. Hi. Hi.

#397
What's up, brother? All right.

#398
- Oh, my goodness. - Okay. All right, let's get crazy.

#399
- Let's get crazy. - Let's get nuts, you guys.

#400
I had a friend was a big baseball player

#401
Back in high school

#402
We went back inside, sat down

#403
Had a few drinks…

#404
- And you got a, uh… - Please don't touch me.

#405
Yeah, they'll pass you by Glory days

#406
I'm gonna need some more of that.

#407
In the wink of a young girl's eye

#408
Glory days

#409
Glory days

#410
- I got it. - Let's get a drink.

#411
- No Mets fans! - Get out of here.

#412
No Mets fans!

#413
What are you thinking, coming in here, man?

#414
- Is it cool? - It's cool.

#415
All right.

#416
Glory days

#417
All right

#418
Ooh, yeah

#419
Well, all right…

#420
Yeah!

#421
Ooh, yeah…

#422
All right…

#423
Guys, guys, calm down. You're gonna hurt each other.

#424
- Huh? - No, we're good, man.

#425
- We're just having fun. - I just saw you bite that dude.

#426
Yeah, it was a… He took a bite. It was a fair bite.

#427
Yeah, he knew I could bite him a little bit.

#428
Man, come here. Come here and wrestle with us, dude.

#429
You guys are wasted, man. Let's wrestle.

#430
Yeah, you're wasted.

#431
- No, we're not. - You're not wasted?

#432
No, no, we're completely sober.

#433
- But you guys drank a lot though. - Yeah.

#434
You guys drank more than anybody I've ever seen.

#435
- Oh, really, dude? - Whoo!

#436
- Good work, Charlie. Yeah! - That's what we do.

#437
That's kinda what we do, man. We just drink.

#438
Well, you know, it's been great, fellas, but we're gonna take off now.

#439
- Oh! - Really? You guys gonna go?

#440
Yeah, you guys… You guys try not to hurt anybody tonight, okay?

#441
- No, no, no, we're good, dude. - Nah, dude, nah. No, we're…

#442
- Get off me though, for real. - Okay.

#443
- You guys take care, okay? - All right!

#444
Whoo! Boy, that was a…

#445
- …hell of a night, man. - Hell of a night, man.

#446
Hey, how much money do we have left?

#447
10,000 bucks.

#448
I got an idea how we can spend that shit.

#449
Champagne! Champagne! Champagne!

#450
- Champagne! - Here we go, gentlemen.

#451
- Hey! Thank you, Penelope. - There it is! Champagne!

#452
- Oh, it's tearing me up inside. - What?

#453
What? What's going on, Frank?

#454
What are you doing?

#455
I ate the crow.

#456
- What… What'd he say? - What?

#457
I ate the crow.

#458
- Why? - Yeah. I dug it up last night.

#459
I thought it would taste like chicken, but I was wrong.

#460
- Oh, my… - I think I got to go to a hospital.

#461
All right. All right, look.

#462
They're clearly not coming back for us, okay?

#463
I think we gotta start walking.

#464
- Goddamn. - Yeah.

#465
Oh, man.

#466
Seriously, I'm gonna be sad when this is all over.

#467
Yeah, well, all good adventures must come to an end at some point.

#468
All good things are ending.

#469
I shouldn't still be drinking.

#470
- Hey. - Mm-hmm?

#471
I just thought of one last thing that would be awesome.

#472
Give me your phone.

#473
Oh…

#474
Oh, this is gonna be…

#475
This is gonna be awesome, dude.

#476
This is gonna be great.

#477
Look at… Yeah!

#478
I know, it feels like we're walking a lot here, bunny.

#479
But I'll tell you what, as soon as we get back to the bar,

#480
you can have as many carrots as your little heart desires.

#481
Dee, first you wanted to kill it,

#482
and now you're bringing it back to the bar?

#483
Yeah. I named him Peter Peter Nickel-Eater.

#484
'Cause last night in the car he tried to eat a nickel.

#485
It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.

#486
I say you bash its brains in right now.

#487
I'm done liking animals. This crow is eating me alive!

#488
Frank, you are sick…

#489
because you ate rancid, maggot-filled meat, not because of animals.

#490
And, Dee, you've got to set that rabbit free.

#491
- Really? - Yes!

#492
It needs to live in the wild,

#493
where it can be free and safe

#494
in the loving embrace of Mother Nature, okay?

#495
Trust me, Peter Nickels-Eater is gonna be much happier.

#496
Yeah, all right. You're right.

#497
Okay, buddy, I love you, but go back to your family now.

#498
- Go on. - Okay. See? He's happier already.

#499
He's gonna go back to his mother and father,

#500
and he's gonna have a wonderful life.

#501
Goddamn it.

#502
- Goddamn it! - Okay, nature is bullshit.

#503
- I'm done with this. - I told you animals suck.

#504
Okay. Wait. Was that a text?

#505
- You getting reception? - Yeah, I guess I'm getting reception.

#506
I just got a text.

#507
- Oh, it's from Dennis. - Oh.

#508
I think he sent me a picture.

#509
No.

#510
No!

#511
Oh! You guys! You guys, a car!

#512
- No. - Hey!

#513
- Hi-yo! Oh-oh-oh, we're saved! - Hey! Hey!

#514
Oh, good.

#515
Hey there! Y'all need a ride?

#516
- Yes. Yes. - Yeah!

#517
Must be hot, huh? Oh! Hey, you! Mr. Hottie!

#518
Come on now.

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