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» S06E12 — Dee Gives Birth
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Season 6, Episode 12 — Dee Gives Birth
#1
- Look what Charlie and I found. - Look at this.
#2
Oh, God. Ahh! Get that away from me.
#3
It reeks. What is that?
#4
- Dude, this is our mail. - Look at that.
#5
It's our mail and it was in the sewer.
#6
What is our mail doing in the sewer?
#7
I threw it in there. You turkeys never open it,
#8
so I just started throwing it in the sewer.
#9
Why don't you just throw it into the trash?
#10
Because if I threw it in the trash, you would find it
#11
and then would yell at me.
#12
Besides, I certainly never expected you guys
#13
to be rooting around in the sewer.
#14
That brings up another issue. What are you two doing in the sewer?
#15
- We always go in the sewer. - We hang out in the sewer.
#16
- Why? - Why?
#17
- There's stuff down there. - Yeah. Don't knock the sewer
#18
- till you've tried the sewer. - You find shit down there.
#19
- But how are you so clean? - We take our clothes off
#20
so we don't get dirty.
#21
- You guys! - Hang on a second, Dee.
#22
We're getting into something.
#23
Anything could be down there.
#24
- Big stuff. - Yeah. Rings, coins, nudity.
#25
- That's all part of the fun. - All kind of stuff.
#26
The two of you are walking around in the sewers naked
#27
looking for rings and coins?
#28
You feel it with your feet. It's almost like clamming.
#29
- Okay, but, you guys… - Oh, Dee, will you just knock it off.
#30
I wanna know why these two are rooting around in the sewer…
#31
- My water just broke! - Drain could… What?
#32
I'm having a baby.
#33
Out of my way. I've broken my water.
#34
There's a baby inside of me running out of water.
#35
- Look out! - Dennis, that was amazing.
#36
I've never seen anybody drive that fast.
#37
- You hit 120! - I almost stewed my drawers.
#38
She was screaming in my ear the whole time.
#39
Probably screwed my transmission up.
#40
- Nice and easy. Here we go. - Oh, yes. This is my ride.
#41
- They've done this before. - Thank you.
#42
- All done with you. You can go. - Hold on a second.
#43
Where's the guy? Should we call the guy?
#44
Get the guy down here. The guy who…
#45
Oh, no, no. That guy. There's no guy.
#46
What do you mean there's no guy?
#47
It's complicated.
#48
There's gotta be a guy. We'll go get the guy.
#49
- We'll get the dad. - There's no guy.
#50
Why don't you guys do what you do best and don't care, okay?
#51
I got it from here. We can take it from here.
#52
- Right, Michael? - Yeah.
#53
Michael and I got it. Thanks, guys.
#54
All right. Kind of rude, but I guess if we're off the hook,
#55
let's head back to the bar.
#56
- Yeah. - Yeah. I could get blitzed.
#57
No. Wait. Stop, guys. No. This is not right.
#58
Something is not right here. This is very suspicious.
#59
- What? There's no guy in the picture? - So what?
#60
You know what this means, right? There's no dad in the picture.
#61
That means the brunt of the responsibility of this kid
#62
is gonna fall on us. We're gonna have to do everything.
#63
- Ooh. - You're right.
#64
Dee is like the most irresponsible person on the planet.
#65
Look what she was doing with the mail, for Christ sakes.
#66
Oh, my God! We're gonna be in charge of the kid?
#67
This kid cannot become our responsibility.
#68
I mean, look what this kid has ruined already.
#69
- He's ruined my transmission. - Yeah.
#70
He's ruined a perfectly good sewer conversation.
#71
Which I still wanna get to the bottom of that one.
#72
- Right. - We will.
#73
God knows what he's gonna ruin in the future.
#74
He's going to ruin everything.
#75
We gotta find the dad!
#76
- You're right. - Let's find the dad.
#77
It's the dad's responsibility. Let's find the dad.
#78
- Let's find the dad. - Yeah. Okay.
#79
I wonder if the dad even knows.
#80
I'll bet she's embarrassed,
#81
too embarrassed to tell us because she's bedded some real stinkers.
#82
You know what? She might not even know herself.
#83
No. There's always overlap.
#84
Any multiple number of sperms could have gone up there
#85
and eaten the egg. There could be so many dads.
#86
- No, sperm doesn't eat the egg. - It doesn't eat the egg
#87
and grow strong and become a baby?
#88
Either way, she's pregnant and it's a guy, so let's get him.
#89
Why don't we just round up the usual suspects
#90
and then we'll figure out how many of them.
#91
Somebody's gotta stay here with her.
#92
- You think so? - You're right. Yeah.
#93
- You're right. - And it looks like it's gonna be you.
#94
- Why? What happened? - Well, mostly because
#95
you know, we're all on this side.
#96
- And you're over there. - Just 'cause you guys made it
#97
- to one side before me? - You didn't make it
#98
to this side on time.
#99
Also, now we're backing out and you're stuck there.
#100
- I can back out. - Hey, we'll find the dad.
#101
You better find that dad. This is not fair.
#102
Keep your eye on her.
#103
What are you doing? Get down!
#104
I'm trying to make the TV go.
#105
You are standing on top of a rolling chair.
#106
You're gonna go flying through that window.
#107
Will you get down?
#108
- I'm serious. You get down, Dee. - All right.
#109
Oh, my… What are you thinking?
#110
Well, I'm trying to watch my stories, okay.
#111
I have a very specific birth plan,
#112
and mostly it involves me watching my stories to relax,
#113
but I can't get this goddamn TV to do anything.
#114
Well… What are you… Knock it off
#115
- I'm mad at the… - Stop straining yourself.
#116
Go lie down. Lie down now.
#117
This is exactly what I was worried about, Dee.
#118
You see, I am going to have to do everything
#119
because you're an irresponsible person who stands atop rolling chairs
#120
and chooses to go flying through windows.
#121
Have the baby first. Have the stupid baby.
#122
Then go flying through all the windows you like.
#123
Oh, my… Just lie there.
#124
Wait for the doctor. I will get your stories.
#125
God, this baby is becoming such an irritating thing to me.
#126
- Yeah. - God, what an irritating thing babies are.
#127
Oh, my goodness. I'm having to do everything.
#128
I'll figure you out, you son of a bitch.
#129
What was going on? Where is everybody?
#130
I thought this was supposed to be a party.
#131
- They'll be here. You're early. - Do you have anything to drink?
#132
The salt on the chips dries out my mouth.
#133
I'll poke around the fridge and see if there's anything.
#134
- Where's the beer? - I forgot the beer.
#135
- I'm sorry. - You didn't bring beer?
#136
How are we supposed to know this is a party if there's no beer?
#137
- I got wrapped up in the invitations. - A party with no beer.
#138
We don't want them thinking it's an interrogation.
#139
Oh! Hey!
#140
Party! Party! All right! Hey!
#141
- Hey, Cricket. - Ooh. Where's the booze at?
#142
What's up, fellas?
#143
- Hey. - Who invited Cricket?
#144
I did, because I figured it's a wild card.
#145
- That's a stone you can leave unturned. - We don't have time for that bullshit.
#146
We gotta get on this, right? Let's just pick one and go.
#147
Hey, Bill? Could we talk to you for a sec?
#148
- Maybe, uh, in this… - Oh, yeah? Yeah.
#149
Let's do this.
#150
- A little guy time. Guy time. - All right.
#151
All right, let's turn it up. Whoo!
#152
Let's get weird, buddy.
#153
Let's get weird.
#154
- Thanks for coming to the party, Bill. - Thanks for having me.
#155
It's good to get away from the wife and kids
#156
for a little bit, you know, let the hair down.
#157
So you're still with your wife after all that shit with Dee?
#158
Yeah, well, I realized I was a sex addict.
#159
I went to therapy. She forgave me for it.
#160
Oh, you're a sex addict, huh?
#161
That's crazy to be one of those.
#162
You don't mind if I write some of this down, do you?
#163
For what?
#164
Just keeping a log of the party. We like to do that.
#165
A funny conversation pops up, you wanna remember it.
#166
No problem. Speaking of parties, you guys wanna do a little…
#167
- Is that coke? - Yeah, I picked up
#168
a couple grams on the way over.
#169
Maybe a little bit later, we can all partake.
#170
- Hey! - But for now we're just a bunch of guys
#171
hanging out in a room. You know, dudes.
#172
Let's talk about dude stuff.
#173
I like dude stuff. Yeah. Like what?
#174
Oh, I don't know. What do guys talk about?
#175
- Condoms. - Right.
#176
I cannot stand the feel of a condom on my dick.
#177
Oh, my God. I hate condoms. Hate 'em, hate 'em.
#178
The three of us just don't use 'em.
#179
- How about you? - No. Me neither.
#180
No. I can't stand them.
#181
That's interesting.
#182
A sex addict who doesn't like condoms.
#183
That's why I had a vasectomy, guys.
#184
You had a vasectomy?
#185
Yep.
#186
You just winked when you said that.
#187
Did you have a vasectomy or not?
#188
No.
#189
That's what I would tell the ladies so I didn't have to wear a condom.
#190
- Okay. That is incredibly shady. - No, no, no…
#191
What a beautiful underhanded thing.
#192
- Yeah. - It's disgusting.
#193
You guys wanna do a bump or what?
#194
I'll have a bump.
#195
I don't understand why there's not a single room
#196
- in this hospital… - Well, I don't know where…
#197
…that has a working television.
#198
I want it… I want that room. I want it now.
#199
I don't know where you think I'm gonna get it from.
#200
I don't have any.
#201
If you do not get my sister her stories
#202
and a new room as soon as possible,
#203
then I will come down on this hospital
#204
like the hammer of Thor.
#205
The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors
#206
like the gust of a thousand winds!
#207
You know what? I don't have time for this.
#208
I ain't going to jail over you.
#209
I will beat your ass and think nothing of it.
#210
I'm not doing this with you today.
#211
I'm not! I'm not!
#212
What's the word on my stories?
#213
What are you doing? Why are you not in bed?
#214
I slipped out for a quick sandwich and a soda.
#215
- You left the hospital? - Yeah. I was kind of hungry.
#216
Mostly I was just getting bored, you know what I mean?
#217
Dee, get in your room. You're drive… I…
#218
It's so boring. There's nothing going on in there.
#219
You get in your room.
#220
- Get in there. Just get in there. - Don't… Don't push me though,
#221
- because I'm pregnant and I don't… - Get in the bed.
#222
- Wait a sec. What's this? - I don't know.
#223
Why is there a strange man in my room?
#224
They probably slid this man in here thinking that you were never
#225
- gonna use the room, so… - That's no good.
#226
I don't want there to be a strange man laying in my room who looks dead.
#227
Is he dead, Dennis?
#228
I'm sure he's just sleeping, Dee. Get in bed.
#229
I'm gonna scream in his face and see if he wakes up.
#230
Do not scream in the man's face.
#231
I'll jiggle his ankle, and that will determine
#232
whether he's alive or not.
#233
Excuse me, sir. You're very cold.
#234
- He's very cold. - Okay. Hey, you!
#235
You wake up right now if you're not dead!
#236
- All right, damn it, Dee. Stop. - Oh, God. I think he's dead.
#237
I think he's dead. He's definitely dead.
#238
Why would they do that? Why would they put a dead old man
#239
with paper skin in my room when I'm trying to give birth?
#240
Because you weren't using the room, Dee, and the hospital's very full.
#241
Okay, this was not part of my birth plan.
#242
This was not part of my birth plan, sir. Get the nurse.
#243
Get the nurse and get him out of here.
#244
Getting the nurse is not gonna do any good.
#245
That woman is stubborn as shit.
#246
Well, do something.
#247
- 'Cause this is upsetting me. - All right!
#248
- It's upsetting the baby. - I hate all the responsibility
#249
that I have… That this baby is causing me.
#250
Yes. I will get this man out of your room.
#251
I will think of something awesome.
#252
Listen. So things got pretty hot and heavy with you and Dee
#253
back in the day, correct?
#254
- That was over a year ago? - Yeah. She wasn't very nice to me.
#255
So, what are we looking at? No contact with Dee after you dated.
#256
- What's the deal here, bud? - Well, no, she, um…
#257
she contacted me for a while, usually when she was drunk.
#258
- Drunken late-night booty calls? - Mm-hmm.
#259
No. She usually just yells at me,
#260
calls me names like army jerk, camo turkey.
#261
I know she's just drunk, so it's okay.
#262
Not okay. Not okay at all.
#263
You gotta stand up for yourself, man.
#264
- So you haven't slept with her then? - Sometimes she tricks me.
#265
She tricks you? She tricks you how?
#266
To give her sex.
#267
She's a very manipulative person.
#268
I'm… I'm sorry.
#269
Are you guys mad at me?
#270
No, man, we're not mad… no.
#271
- I mean… You know. - Okay.
#272
- Get a grip, but… - Okay.
#273
Yeah. There's a room full of dudes out there, so you might wanna…
#274
Yeah.
#275
…stop crying before you come back out to the party.
#277
Let's go.
#278
- Thanks, guys. - This is the guy
#279
that's defending our country?
#280
Well, he's definitely a candidate.
#281
Oh, boys. The keg has arrived.
#282
Hey, Frank. This power outlet is gonna explode,
#283
and you're gonna have to deal with that, okay?
#284
- Duncan, go with it, baby. - Yeah, let's go for it.
#285
Yo, Frank, we gonna set it off, bitch.
#286
What are your bridge friends doing here?
#287
Wait. You gotta give it the illusion of a party.
#288
It's gotta be a guy's night, that's why.
#289
- Are you high on blow? - Whatever Duncan gave me.
#290
You don't even know what you're high on?
#291
- No. Hey! - Yo, Charlie Chuckles,
#292
- what's crackin', sunshine? - Yeah.
#293
- Hey. - L'il Kev.
#294
Hey, L'il Kev.
#295
And your beer.
#296
Ah. I'll talk to you guys later.
#297
Okay. Okay.
#301
- Oh. Oh! - Oh!
#302
Party!
#304
from the Korean restaurant?
#305
Yeah, yeah. She banged him.
#306
Are you sure we're not taking this Weekend at Bernie's thing too far?
#307
Because I'm worried the sunglasses are ridiculous.
#308
No. The sunglasses lighten the mood.
#309
Make the whole thing feel like a fun, fun romp.
#312
Without the sunglasses,
#313
Weekend at Bernie's would have been very dark.
#314
- Yeah. Strange movie. - Strange tale.
#315
Hey there, Mr. Craig.
#317
The waving thing's awesome, that's true.
#318
Yeah. It's pretty sweet, right?
#319
Okay. Now, what's our plan here?
#320
Are we just gonna throw him in the trash?
#323
I'm just gonna drop him in one of these rooms
#324
if I can find an empty one.
#326
- and put him back in my room. - That's a good point.
#327
Maybe we can stuff him in a drawer or like jam him in a closet or something.
#328
- That'll buy us some time, right? - Mm-mmm.
#329
Makes me feel like I have to touch him.
#330
I don't wanna touch him at all.
#332
Please don't put me in the trash.
#334
- Oh, my goodness. - Whoa.
#336
They're trying to put me in the trash.
#337
- Don't… No. - Okay. You know what?
#338
I flat out refuse to share a room with an old man
#339
who likes to pretend to be dead.
#341
- to move the patients. - Ooh!
#342
- What? What? - Oh, Dennis.
#343
Oh, my God.
#344
- What? - Oh, I think I'm having this baby.
#345
- Doctor! - Oh! It doesn't feel good.
#346
This sucks. This sucks a bag of dicks.
#347
- Oh, I'm sure. Oh! - Oh, man!
#348
- Help my sister. - Wait, wait, wait.
#349
Don't leave me. I don't like it.
#350
Okay. No, I'm coming. I'm coming with you.
#351
We got you from here. We got you. We got you.
#352
You ain't going nowhere.
#354
before I knock you in there.
#355
You have done enough today.
#356
Crazy-ass white boy steadily dressing up folk
#357
and talking about Thor.
#358
I bet I earned this. I got you.
#359
Wow. This whole thing's really setting in now.
#360
Yeah, it's really sinking in, man.
#361
We're gonna have a baby. This is really cool.
#362
Please don't throw me in the trash.
#363
No one's putting you in the trash. Stop saying that.
#364
Will you stop?
#365
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me?
#366
Man, I used to have
#367
some jean shorts like that too.
#368
I slept in them shits, man.
#369
Eventually, I blew the crotch out of them things.
#370
But you can't wear 'em every day
#371
and expect for 'em to hold up.
#372
That was some nice-ass denim too.
#373
I miss them shorts.
#374
But you gotta take 'em off every now and then.
#375
You gotta take 'em off, son.
#376
So, I don't get it. Why are you having sex with her?
#377
Well, she gets drunk and calls me a cardio-jerk
#378
or a workout turkey.
#379
And after a while, I just kind of cave in.
#380
Wow. You just… All right. I gotta try that with someone.
#381
- Thanks, Rex. - Okay. Thank you.
#382
- Enjoy the party. - Thanks, Rex.
#383
She's just berating these guys into having sex with her.
#384
Yeah, and she is slammin' ass all over town.
#385
She's getting way more action than us.
#386
She's stuck on her curse words. "Jerk" and "turkey"
#387
are all that she's using.
#388
Well, clearly they're working for her,
#389
'cause Rex is a quality lay.
#390
Yeah, Re… All right. Well, he's not fit to be a father though.
#391
A father? No. None of these guys are fit to be fathers.
#392
I mean look at… They're animals.
#393
Even if we do figure out who it is,
#394
how are we gonna trust this baby with one of these monkeys?
#395
No. Look at them. They're animals.
#396
They got no self-control.
#397
You know, it takes discipline to raise a kid, you know?
#398
You gotta set rules. You gotta set ground rules.
#399
Set some boundaries.
#400
Yeah. You know, like don't have 'em doing cocaine.
#401
- Get them off the Internet. - Yeah. Oh, the Internet's a very,
#402
- very dangerous place. - Kids spend all their time
#403
on the Internet. "Hi. Who are you?
#404
There's your penis and there's your butt."
#405
You gotta learn from some books.
#406
You don't want 'em reading too many books.
#407
You don't want 'em to be a nerd.
#408
You don't want 'em to be a nerd.
#409
- I'm not raising a nerd, bro. - If it's a nerd,
#410
I'm gonna bash his head in.
#411
- Nerds get nowhere in life. - Oh, my God.
#412
Is he a nerd? I could bash some nerds right now.
#413
Well, right after this we should probably bash nerds.
#414
I gotta get it out of my system.
#415
Bash some nerds.
#416
- Absolutely. - Get bowed up.
#417
You know what? You gotta teach him how to beat nerds up.
#418
He's gotta be beating nerds up.
#419
These are good ideas for raising a kid.
#420
We have a lot of ideas about raising a kid.
#421
We are men who can be great dads.
#422
We have great opinions.
#423
Yeah. And that's all that parenting is…
#424
Pretending you know what you're talking about
#425
and then jamming it down a kid's throat.
#426
Oh, my God. That's what we're gonna do.
#427
When I see that baby, dude, we're gonna run towards it.
#428
I'm gonna grab it. I'm gonna pick him up.
#429
And jam shit down his throat!
#430
- Dude. - Dude, we're gonna be the dad.
#431
We're so much better dads than these guys.
#432
Yeah, look at this.
#433
- Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!
#434
I can't wait to tell him. I can't wait… This is so exciting.
#435
There he is. Hey, Dennis, Dennis. We have news.
#436
We have wonderful news.
#437
Charlie and I have decided that we are going to be
#438
the father of this child.
#439
Dude, we did a complete 180.
#440
You know what? You guys, I did a 180 too. I totally did.
#441
I was all pissy this morning about having to be at the hospital.
#442
And then I was thinking about it, I realized I've been firing
#443
on all cylinders because of this baby thing.
#444
Dude, I did this Weekend at Bernie's operation earlier
#445
that would have blown you guys' minds…
#446
It was very effective.
#447
And then I busted out this sweet Thor line on this lady
#448
because she was pissing me off.
#449
It was, like, boom! I really hit her with it.
#450
And I never reference the Nordic gods.
#451
What are you saying though, because I don't understand what your point is.
#452
What are you talking about?
#453
I'm saying I wanna be the dad too. I'm totally into it.
#454
- Okay. - That steps on our thing a little bit…
#455
- 'Cause we were doing the… - Maybe instead of doing
#456
a My Two Dads type thing,
#457
we could fold in another dad
#458
and do a Three Men and a Baby type situation.
#459
Three Men and a Baby… That's what it is. I like that.
#460
An equally effective movie, right?
#461
- A great movie. - Did we miss it?
#462
Did we miss it?
#463
No. It was… What's going on? Who are all these people?
#464
I couldn't decide who the dad was,
#465
so I brought everybody.
#466
You didn't try and decide who the dad was.
#467
You just got high.
#468
Well, the interrogation did turn into a coke party.
#469
But they all promised to have blood tests.
#470
If this kid is mine, I'm gonna blow my brains out.
#471
Oh, he got zooted, man. He took an eight-ball to the dome.
#472
No, no, Frank. Dude, get these guys out of here, all right?
#473
We're gonna be the father of the baby now. We don't need them.
#474
We're gonna be the fathers. It has been decided, so sayeth Thor.
#475
- Thor said it. - The who?
#476
- Thor. - Who Thor?
#477
Is that your Greek god reference?
#478
- He's a Nordic god. - Nordic god.
#479
No. I said something else earlier that sounded a lot cooler than that.
#480
That one didn't really work.
#481
Guys. Guys, here she comes. She's coming.
#482
How do we make it a big moment?
#483
I wanna make it a big moment, you know.
#484
With music. Duncan, play something special.
#485
Come on, Frank, I got the perfect thing.
#486
Okay, great.
#487
- Why do they have the… - I don't know.
#488
Pray God you can cope
#489
I'll stand outside
#490
This woman's work
#491
This woman's world
#492
Ooh, it's hard on the man
#493
Now his part is over
#494
Now starts the craft
#495
Of the father
#496
I know you have a little life in you yet
#497
I know you have a lot
#498
Carmen? What are you doing here?
#499
- I'm here to get my baby. - What?
#500
Oh, yeah. The tranny's the dad.
#501
Yeah!
#502
- You had sex with the tranny? - No. I was their surrogate.
#503
We used her sperm and a donor egg,
#504
and then they just kind of right up there and…
#505
We had a difficult time finding a surrogate,
#506
but Dee here was a miracle to us.
#507
See, I can't have kids of my own, and Carmen always wanted a baby.
#508
Yeah. Great, great. Miracle for you. How wonderful.
#509
Dee, you tricked us?
#510
- How did I trick you? - We were getting all pumped up
#511
about being this baby's dad.
#512
We were all keyed up for nothing.
#513
If we knew you were doing this stupid surrogate thing again,
#514
we would have just completely ignored your pregnancy.
#515
You did ignore my pregnancy.
#516
This has been a huge disappointment for us.
#517
Why?
#518
We were gonna be great dads.
#519
We were gonna impose our will on the kid.
#520
We had a Three Men and a Baby thing going on. It was going to be great.
#521
- Oh, okay, I'm sorry. - I have to admit,
#522
this whole thing might be for the best.
#523
Those two are gonna make great parents, much better parents than any of us would.
#524
- Don't you think? - Yeah. I guess.
#525
You know, a baby would've screwed up our chemistry.
#526
It might've. Yeah.
#527
We got a good thing going. Why blow it with a baby?
#528
That being said, don't get knocked up anymore, Dee.
#529
- It's getting old. - Oh, yeah. No, no. no.
#530
I didn't enjoy any of it.
#531
So, what I'm confused on is…
#532
the mother is the father and the father is black…
#533
- and the baby's not black, so… - It's all been explained.
#534
- Yeah. - I'll talk you through it later.
#535
All right. Then what is your deal? Do we pop you back in there?
#536
Are you done having babies? What's going on?
#537
Can you take me to go get a beer?
#538
- I need a beer. - I could go for a beer.
#539
You guys wanna go back to the bar?
#540
- Yeah! - Hey, you guys.
#541
Let's bring the party back to the bar.
#542
Bring the music. Let's go.
#543
What the hell's happening back there?
#544
A few buddies came along.
#545
- Don't worry about it, Dee. - Let's party in the sewer.
#546
- Oh, yeah. - I'm not going into a sewer.
#547
What is your obsession with the sewer these days?
#548
- You find great stuff down there. - Like what?
#549
- Like sewage. - Ha-ha! Good one, Dee.
#550
She's back, baby. She's back.
#551
Supposing it's storming and a guy loses his ring and it goes into the gutter?
#552
Is this the ring story again? I'm getting real tired of ring story.
#553
You gotta come up with something else, Frank.
#554
You can't keep using the same…
#555
Like, give me some crack. You know what I'm sayin', dawg?
#556
We'll get more. We'll get more.
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