Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E13 — A Very Sunny Christmas

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 13 — A Very Sunny Christmas

#1
How's this? This look centered?

#2
Uh, no, you gotta move ita little to the left.

#3
All right, here we go. How's that?

#4
No, your other left.

#5
Uh, my other left? I only have one left.

#6
It's just an expression. Just move it to the other direction.

#7
What would that expression be for? For someone who has two lefts?

#8
No. No. Just move it the other way. Move it the other way.

#9
Towards your left.

#10
Your left and my left are the same

#11
'cause we're facing the same direction.

#12
We're two different people. We can't have the same left.

#13
It doesn't make sense.

#14
Here we go again.

#15
- Hey-yo! - Yo!

#16
Ow. Well, all right.

#17
Hey, go in the back. We got some more Christmas lights.

#18
- We need some help. - No, we're not helping you.

#19
Come on. It's almost Christmas.

#20
Get into the spirit. Let's put some decorations up.

#21
Whoa. What in the hell is that?

#22
Yeah. You like that? That's an industrial-sized snow blower

#23
we got from some dude on the Internet from the Poconos.

#24
You know how it never snows on Christmas.

#25
We got a backup plan this year.

#26
We're gonna have a white Christmas out in front of the bar.

#27
We're gonna make the snow ourselves.

#28
If you guys love Christmas so much,

#29
why do you always wait until the last possible minute

#30
to put up the Christmas decorations?

#31
It is the day before Christmas.

#32
- That's our tradition. - Yeah, that's what we do.

#33
We drink a lot of eggnog, we pass out.

#34
And then we don't put anything up, so we do it all last minute.

#35
Yeah. Then we wake up Christmas morning and throw rocks at trains.

#36
Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?

#37
Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's…

#38
It's awesome. It's what you do on Christmas morning.

#39
We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever.

#40
I'm sorry that we love Christmas

#41
and we have awesome traditions and you guys hate Christmas.

#42
Well, they hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts,

#43
and Frank always gave them shitty presents.

#44
Oh.

#45
You think we don't like Christmas 'cause Frank got us shitty presents?

#46
Is that really what you think?

#47
No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents.

#48
Frank bought the most awesome presents in the entire world.

#49
As a matter of fact, he would find out

#50
whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year

#51
and he would buy 'em for himself

#52
- instead of buying 'em for us. - Yeah.

#53
- Really? - Yeah.

#54
That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys

#55
when you got to the bar 'cause he was trying to do something

#56
about making your Christmas better.

#57
Yo, uh, Frank, the eagles landed. They're here.

#58
So, uh, over and out. Go ahead.

#59
Tell 'em to go outside.

#60
No. Frank, whatever Christmas presents you bought for yourself,

#61
you can bring 'em in the bar and ruin 'em in front of us in here.

#62
No can do.

#63
It's too big. And, Dennis,

#64
you're really gonna wanna see this.

#65
It's your dream gift.

#66
My dream gift? What does he…

#67
Nah. Oh. No…

#68
Oh, God, no.

#69
God damn it!

#70
Merry Christmas, bitches!

#71
Deandra.

#72
Look at this.

#73
A nice Sergio Giorgini bag.

#74
- You wantee? - I don't want it.

#75
Fake out! It's mine.

#76
And I use it to keep in my cheesy loops

#77
and chocolate-covered malted milk balls.

#78
What is your problem, Frank? Why do you do this to us every year?

#79
I do it to you every year, Deandre,

#80
because you and your brother

#81
never learn the lesson that I try to impart at Christmas time.

#82
- Oh, my God. - And that is,

#83
you have to earn what you get.

#84
This principle made me a multimillionaire.

#85
No. No, stealing millions of dollars from your ex-business partner

#86
is what made you a millionaire, Frank.

#87
Ah, Eugene Hamilton was a great man.

#88
Do not speak ill of the dead.

#89
- She's speaking ill of you! - Oh, whatever.

#90
I'm going to burn up the rubber with my Lamborghini.

#91
Oh, I got my nice Sergio Giorgini bag.

#92
Damn son of a bitch!

#93
How could he do this to… He's gone too far this year.

#94
Okay, he's not even our dad anymore and he's still doing this.

#95
I can't take it anymore.

#96
Who puts cheesy snacks and chocolate in a designer bag?

#97
Oh, Dennis, he's gonna ruin the lining.

#98
Okay, well, I'm not even gonna begin to compare

#99
a $250,000 Italian sports car

#100
to a handbag, but I get your point.

#101
This has got to stop.

#102
However, the good news is I think there's a big opportunity in this.

#103
What kind of opportunity?

#104
Well, Frank seems to think that his old business partner's dead.

#105
- He's not dead? - Nope.

#106
And that gives me a very interesting idea.

#107
So, you wanna talk to me about Frank Reynolds.

#108
Yes, we do. See, Mr. Hamilton,

#109
we heard about how Frank dicked you all up and down,

#110
and we thought we'd give you a chance

#111
- to get some payback. - Mmm-hmm.

#112
We thought you might wanna help us because, you see,

#113
Frank thinks you're dead.

#114
Well, I have forgiven Frank.

#115
- What? - Frank?

#116
You see, some years ago, I had a near-death experience,

#117
and I… I saw the light,

#118
and I saw the truth

#119
of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

#120
Oh. Uh-oh.

#121
So, I have forgiven everyone whoever did me any harm.

#122
Okay, well, uh, that's cool, because you could probably still help us.

#123
Frank has not found the Lord yet.

#124
No. Frank's gotten nowhere near the Lord.

#125
Yeah, and so, in the spirit of the Lord

#126
- and Christmas… - And God.

#127
And, uh, all that, we wanna do a Christmas Carol type thing

#128
where we show him the error of his ways

#129
through his past, his present and his future.

#130
See, Mr. Hamilton, we feel like if Frank can just understand

#131
what a dick he's been to people in his past

#132
and how he's just gonna probably end up old and alone like yourself,

#133
then maybe he'll be able to make up for some of his past mistakes.

#134
When can I talk to Frank about his salvation?

#135
At the end.

#136
- You can do it at the very, very end. - The very end.

#137
- The very, very end. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

#138
But in the meantime, we need you to be our ghost.

#139
Just being in your childhood room is giving me the Christmas spirit, bro.

#140
Yeah, dude. It's awesome, huh?

#141
It's pretty cool that your mom kept all your stuff, man.

#142
Yeah, dude. I'm telling you, I think I got an Omnibot around here somewhere.

#143
- You remember Omnibot? - Totally. Those were amazing.

#144
Oh, my God. So cool. Oh, check this out, dude.

#145
- Look at that. Karate trophy. - Why do you have a karate trophy?

#146
- I found that in the street one time. - Oh, that makes sense. Yeah.

#147
And… Oh! Captain Caveman!

#148
Hey, remember when we would shave the neighborhood dogs

#149
and glue the fur to our faces and pretend we were him?

#150
Absolutely! And then we would bash away at 'em,

#151
and we'd bash the dogs to pieces.

#152
Yeah! Boom! 'Member that?

#153
- Simon? - Simon.

#154
Dude, this game was my favorite. Do you remember how challenging this was?

#155
Yeah. But, Charlie, don't get lost in that, okay?

#156
I got the first one, bro.

#157
Uh-oh. Ooh.

#158
Ooh! It just threw me a curveball here. Did you catch that?

#159
Uh, it went…

#160
I know, but I don't know what order.

#161
- Which one was… - Which one lit up?

#162
The yellow and the blue both lit up.

#163
Well, then press yellow and blue.

#164
I don't remember which order it happened.

#165
- Oh. Okay. - Yeah.

#166
You got it. You got lucky, though.

#167
Okay, now three happened, and I have no idea which three.

#168
Hey-yo!

#169
- Omnibot, the freaking robot from the… - Omnibot

#170
Dude, we're gonna put a Santa hat on him.

#171
He's gonna serve us drinks and break dance.

#172
- That is awesome, dude! - Yeah, it's awesome.

#173
Now what was he holding here? Is this his, like, instructional video?

#174
"Christmas day, 1985." Oh, shit!

#175
This is a home movie my dad made of Christmas.

#176
- Really? - Oh, yeah. Every Christmas morning,

#177
he would videotape me opening up my presents.

#178
- Toss that shit in, man. - Yeah, man.

#179
Look, son, a video camera. Hmm?

#180
Oh, this is something.

#181
Can I open mine now?

#182
No, no, no. Keep your voice down.

#183
Let your mother open hers first, okay?

#184
- Here we go. Here we go. - Mom.

#185
- Let's see. - Let's go, Mom.

#186
- Let's not wait. - Hon, wow!

#187
Cashmere! Beautiful!

#188
Mmm.

#189
- That's gonna look good on you, baby. - Oh, yeah!

#190
- Now can I go? - Uh, not yet, son.

#191
- Let's see what Daddy got. Hmm? - Oh.

#192
I think I know what it is.

#193
Would you look at this?

#194
A brand-new stereo.

#195
Oh! Look at that!

#196
That's gonna be perfect for the living room.

#197
God damn it! Can I goddamn go?

#198
- This is taking forever! - Oh, okay.

#199
Fine, fine, fine, fine. You go. You go. Yeah.

#200
- Okay. Let's see. - It's your turn. Let's see what you got.

#201
A Cabbage Patch Doll!

#202
Yeah, you should…

#203
- You don't have to keep yelling like that. - Who's down there?

#204
- Oh, my God! - Okay. Time to go. Time to go.

#205
Hey, move it along. Yeah, son, get your…

#206
There we go. Open the door.

#207
Get the stereo. Honey, get the stereo.

#208
That was awesome. My dad looks really young, doesn't he?

#209
Dude, what was… What was that? What happened right there?

#210
Huh? What was the family on the stairs? What was that?

#211
That was probably the next family coming in to get their presents.

#212
What are you… What are you talking about?

#213
What was happening there?

#214
That was the Christmas tradition

#215
where you go from house to house collecting your presents

#216
and then when the next family comes, you would run.

#217
I'm not aware of this tradition, Mac.

#218
In fact, I think that you were just stealing from that home.

#219
Oh, no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine.

#220
Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents

#221
at my house when I got back.

#222
The neighbors took them. It's a South Philly tradition, Charlie.

#223
No. Mmm-mmm. That makes no…

#224
People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense.

#225
You're telling me that Christmas morning,

#226
you would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?

#227
No! No one does that!

#228
Well, my dad told me that that was the tradition.

#229
And your dad is like a thief and a murderer who eats people,

#230
so he's not really trustworthy.

#231
This is really

#232
- dicking with my Christmas spirit. - Okay, whoa, bro.

#233
I tell you what. I got a plan. Let's go to my house, you know.

#234
You'll see how my mom does it.

#235
We'll get you right back in the Christmas mood.

#236
- All right? - Okay, all right. Okay.

#237
You think… You think these chains are really necessary?

#238
Yeah, they're necessary! It's part of the whole thing.

#239
Yeah, it's part of the look. This is how it's gonna work.

#240
I'm gonna pump this smoke under the door,

#241
and then you blast in there and give Frank a good scare.

#242
Yeah, and remember, he's really gonna believe you're a ghost,

#243
so he's gonna listen to anything you say.

#244
Definitely. Definitely.

#245
You sit him down, you make him watch the videotape.

#246
And that's what's gonna prove how horrible he's been to us all these years.

#247
All right, when you're doing the ghost thing,

#248
you really gotta sell it.

#249
- You know what I mean? - Make it sound real, like a ghost would.

#250
- Yeah, do it up. Do it up. - Okay.

#251
Frank!

#252
Frank!

#253
Frank!

#254
Put some vibrato into it.

#255
Frank!

#256
- Fire! Fire! Fire! We're gonna die! - Frank!

#257
We're all gonna die! We're gonna suffocate!

#258
I gotta get out of here!

#259
- Frank! - Get out! We're gonna die!

#260
Calm down, Frank. Calm down. There's no fire.

#261
- Eugene? - Yes.

#262
- A ghost! Ghost! - No! No, no, no.

#263
- Ghost, ghost! Get out! - No!

#264
No, Frank!

#265
Stop! Stop.

#266
Deandra! Deandra!

#267
Stop it, Frank, you're supposed to listen to the ghost.

#268
No, he's dead!

#269
Calm down, Frank. Go sit on the couch and keep your mouth shut, okay?

#270
Just sit and listen. Thank you.

#271
Now, yes, you're right. Your old business partner is not dead.

#272
But, Mr. Hamilton, do you have something that you would like to say to Frank?

#273
I do. Are you familiar with the forgiving nature

#274
- of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? - Ooh, ooh, no. Eugene.

#275
At the end. Okay? For the love of God, at the end.

#276
Okay? This is the beginning.

#277
Okay, but if you're gonna bring God into it,

#278
can you do like the Old Testament and the covenant,

#279
and keeping your eyes closed or your face will melt,

#280
and the coins and the fear and the Indiana Jones…

#281
You know what? Just sit on the couch. We'll take it from here. Okay?

#282
- Thank you. - Good job, buddy. Good job. Okay. Um…

#283
- Bust out the video. Let's do the video. - The tape now, right?

#284
What the hell is this?

#285
Welcome to your Christmas past, Frank.

#286
Oh, is this gonna take long?

#287
Because it's cutting into my Countach time.

#288
I was gonna go out and make some modifications to the car.

#289
- Modifications on the… - Yeah.

#290
No, no, no, no, no. You do not make modifications on a Countach.

#291
That car is perfect.

#292
Yeah, but I can't reach the door when it goes up.

#293
I was gonna put a wire rig and then drop the bag.

#294
You are gonna ruin that car, Frank!

#295
- You're gonna ruin it! - Okay. Okay.

#296
We're gonna take you on a journey, like the Christmas Carol,

#297
and you're gonna be a better person

#298
and your life will be enriched and fulfilled,

#299
and just watch the TV.

#300
Okay, Dennis, Deandra, come and get your presents.

#301
- Yes! Yes, presents! - Presents! Presents!

#302
- Christmas, 1986. - Mmm-hmm.

#303
This is where you destroyed Christmas for us forever.

#304
Oh, no, no, no.

#305
Open the biggest one first. That's the one.

#306
Look at that. Yeah. That's for both of you.

#307
Tear it apart. Go on. What's in there?

#308
There's nothing in there.

#309
Fake out! There's nothing in any of 'em!

#312
The fake out was the best, right? Right, Eugene?

#313
No! No. Eugene, will you please tell him

#314
what a terrible person he's been for always doing this to us, please?

#315
What are you talking about?

#316
Eugene was the guy who taught me the fake out.

#317
He's right. But I have changed, my good friend.

#318
- Yeah, see? He's changed. - Yeah, that's the point.

#319
That's the point. He changed. And so now it's time for you to change.

#320
Yeah.

#321
They're right. Are you ready to find the loving arms of God?

#322
- God! - Where is your anger?

#323
This is time to get your vengeance, guy.

#324
- Let's all go to church. - No!

#325
No! Church?

#326
- Let's move on to Christmas present. - Yeah. This is…

#327
Let's just continue the journey. All right. Grab your jacket.

#328
- Eugene, up, up, up, up, up. - All right.

#329
- Come on. - Come on, Eugene. Let's go with them.

#330
- All right! - Wow!

#331
Yeah, man! See, this is Christmas, right?

#332
- Yeah, your mom's really into this, huh? - She loves it. Hey, Ma!

#333
- Oh! Oh, you! - Hey!

#334
- Hey! - merry Christmas!

#336
- Oh, Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas!

#337
Oh, you brought the vodka.

#338
Glug, glug, glug, glug Christmas time! Christmas time!

#339
Drinkin' on Christmas

#340
Thank you. Well, listen, you guys. Make yourselves at home.

#341
I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men

#342
for my gingerbread boys.

#343
- Yeah! Gingerbread men! - All right, man.

#344
- See, dude? Now, this is Christmas, man! - I feel it. I'm back.

#345
Mac is back. You got good tunes, good food on the way.

#346
My mom and I would be excited about the Santas coming over.

#347
- Yeah. Yeah. - This is Christmas, bro!

#348
The… The what?

#349
The Santas that come over on Christmas morning to cheer my mom up.

#350
- The Santas, plural? - Yeah.

#351
- What the hell you talking about? - Oh, dude.

#352
This was, like, the best tradition ever, man.

#353
Every Christmas morning,

#354
I would run to the door and I'd open it, and I'd find the first Santa Claus.

#355
Now, the Santa Claus would come in,

#356
and he'd give me a present, you know, or somethin'.

#357
And then he'd go in the room with my mom, and cheer her up for a while.

#359
and the next Santa Claus would come.

#360
And he'd give me a present or something or other,

#361
and he'd go cheer my mom up for a while.

#362
I didn't always understand the presents,

#363
but I always found a way to have fun with them.

#364
- Wait… - Dude. One year,

#365
Santa even brought one of his elves.

#366
It's like a goddamn sauna up there.

#367
I think it was an elf.

#368
You know what, the memory's kind of blurry for some reason.

#369
Merry Christmas.

#371
Santa Claus is comin'

#372
He's comin' to town

#373
Ah. Charlie… I…

#374
I hate to break this to you, man, but…

#375
But based on the story that you just told me,

#376
I think your mother was a prostitute.

#377
- What? - Yeah.

#378
Come on, man!

#379
I'm just saying, based on that story that you just told me,

#380
I'm fairly certain that those Santas

#381
were running a train on your mom for money.

#382
No, dude. They would just give my mom money and go in the…

#383
Yeah.

#385
- Let that settle in. - No, no.

#386
Yes.

#387
- No. - Yes.

#388
- No. - Yes.

#389
- No. - Yes.

#390
- No! No! - Okay, but, no. Just relax.

#391
- Are you okay? - Ma!

#393
- Merry Christmas, Mrs. Kelly! - No! No!

#394
- No! No! - Relax, dude. Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

#395
Okay, here we go.

#396
- Come on in, guys. - What?

#397
Why would you take me to my old real estate office?

#398
Well, because, Frank, tonight's the annual Christmas party.

#399
We want to show you how much your ex-employees despise you.

#400
But I haven't worked here in years.

#401
I mean, why is this a Christmas present to me?

#403
Uh, all right, Frank. Here's the plan.

#404
We're gonna hide you somewhere in the office,

#405
so you can hear people talking shit about you, all right?

#406
Oh, that's cool. Oh, I see where you're going with this now.

#407
Sew me into the couch.

#408
Sew you into the couch? What are you saying?

#409
Yeah. That's what I do at home all the time, hide in the couch.

#410
It's a great hiding place.

#412
"Pounding off"? Where do you get these terms, Frank?

#413
Why do you wanna catch Charlie masturbating?

#414
No, I don't care!

#417
Okay, fine. We'll sew you

#418
- into a couch, Frank. - Okay, right.

#419
Just rip off the back, take out the stuffing,

#420
put me inside and sew it up.

#422
Excuse me, folks. Hey, happy holidays, huh?

#423
- There we go. How we doing over here? - Uh, not well.

#424
This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.

#425
Of course they're starting to notice.

#426
There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sakes.

#427
They're gonna notice.

#428
Let's just talk to some people.

#430
- Hey, you two. - Hey!

#431
- Hey, you two. - Hey.

#432
How we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?

#433
- Yes. - It's all right.

#434
Great. Great.

#435
So, uh, Frank Reynolds.

#436
Oh, yeah, we were just talking about him.

#437
- He's the worst, huh? - Right.

#438
Do you… Do you work here?

#439
- Yeah, of course. Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

#440
- Well, we pop around. - We pop around here.

#441
- We're "consultationists." - For this.

#442
So we consult here. We consult across the street too.

#443
The whole… Across the whole street.

#444
Is there a man in that couch?

#445
What are you saying? A man in a couch?

#446
- Hello! - That's absurd.

#447
I believe there's a man in that couch right there.

#448
There is no man. There's no man!

#449
Say some things about Frank Reynolds.

#450
Say 'em loud, and make sure they're horrible, horrible things,

#451
and then we'll deal with the man in the couch.

#452
Okay, so there is a man in the couch.

#453
All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!

#454
Who is Frank Reynolds?

#455
He's the man in the couch!

#457
Will you just say something about Frank that's horrible!

#458
Call him an asshole!

#459
- Frank Reynolds is an asshole! - Oh, thank you!

#460
Oh, great. Now you've…

#461
Oh, Jesus Christ!

#462
Oh, no. Oh, no!

#463
What is happening?

#464
Can't breathe!

#465
- Too hot! - Why are you naked, Frank?

#466
It's too hot in the couch.

#467
Okay, but did you hear? She called you an asshole.

#468
- She called you an asshole, Frank. - Didn't hear!

#469
No air! No air!

#471
- Dude, you are amazingly calm right now. - Yeah.

#472
Are you sure you're not gonna suddenly flip out and massacre me?

#473
No. Well, I'm doing two things.

#474
One, I buried it down deep, and two,

#475
I'm deciding I might not believe that that actually happened.

#476
I could be remembering Christmas wrong. You know what I mean?

#477
Now, are you sure this is one of the houses you robbed?

#478
Yeah, dude. This is Ricky Falcone's house.

#479
I distinctly remember getting the Omnibot here.

#480
- Wow. - I always thanked Ricky in school, too.

#481
He never had any idea what I was talking about.

#482
No, he wouldn't know.

#484
Hey, buddy.

#485
How you doin', man? Good to see you.

#486
Can I help you?

#487
Uh, well, why don't we have our friend do the talking?

#488
Hello, Ricky.

#489
When you were a little boy, I was stolen from you

#490
on Christmas Day.

#491
It was a big misunderstanding.

#492
I miss you. I love you.

#493
I'm sorry.

#494
So, you stole this from me, and now you're coming back

#495
20 years later to return it to me?

#496
- Ooh. Return? No. - Return it? No.

#497
- No, not exactly. - Yeah.

#498
We didn't think you'd want the robot back,

#499
seeing how as you're an adult and everything now.

#500
You are a grown man.

#501
It was more about the apology, yeah.

#502
- The apology, so… - We're keeping the robot.

#503
All right. Let me get this straight.

#504
You two assholes are coming over here

#505
to show me something that you stole from me,

#506
but you're not giving it back?

#507
Well, at this point, I believe the robot's falling under

#508
- the finders-keepers law of America. - Yeah.

#511
Technically, I am the one that stole it.

#512
It was his family's tradition, going around stealing…

#513
I feel like we're just getting off topic here.

#514
Ricky, obviously, you're in some kind of a rut.

#515
I can tell by your clothes, and you don't look good.

#516
I'm not in a rut.

#517
Listen, bro. Why don't you just take the apology,

#518
stop being so hard on yourself?

#519
It's about forgiveness!

#520
We're trying to get the Christmas spirit, dude!

#521
Where are we with the…

#522
- Some people can't be helped. - That didn't go as planned.

#523
I'm glad he didn't, you know, pound us.

#525
It's a Christmas spirit kind of a test,

#526
- you know? - Yeah?

#527
We're getting curveballs left and right, with my mom and your folks.

#528
We gotta rise to the occasion, dude. We gotta step up.

#529
- Okay. I got a plan. - I love it. I love it.

#530
- I got a plan. - You're good like that, man.

#531
- Let's go to the mall. - Okay.

#532
Get him the hottest-selling toy this season,

#533
give it to his kids, right?

#534
Oh, my God.

#536
and then we can get the Christmas spirit back.

#538
And maybe we'll get him new clothes, too, 'cause that dude is in a rut.

#539
All right, which way is the bus stop?

#540
Uh, well, we came this way.

#541
Yo. Mac, check this shit out right here, dude.

#542
I bought Ricky a new shirt, you know?

#543
Maybe he could wear it to, like, a job interview.

#544
It's gonna clean his look up a little bit.

#545
- Get him out of that rut. - Get him out of the rut!

#546
Maybe we should pick him up some face wash, too.

#547
Oh, my God. His skin!

#548
- Did you see that skin? - Terrible. How's it going in here?

#549
You find any good toys?

#550
Not good. No, actually. Let's ask this guy.

#551
Excuse me, sir. Hi.

#552
What is the hottest-selling toy item that you have in this store right now?

#553
Actually, the hottest-selling item right now

#554
is Redman the Robot.

#555
- Are you serious? - Redman the Robot?

#556
- That's what the kids are into? - Shit don't change!

#557
- All right, man! - Shit don't change!

#558
- We'll take one Redman the Robot, please. - We're sold out.

#559
- Uh… - You're sold out?

#560
- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah, but it's Christmas Eve, dude.

#561
You're not gonna sell out on Christmas Eve, right?

#562
There were a lot of people here today.

#563
Yeah, but it's Christmas Eve.

#565
- What kind of business model is that? - I get it. I get it.

#567
I know you got back there.

#568
Um, I'm being very serious right now. We don't have any.

#569
- If I had… - All right. So, okay. Hold on a second.

#571
and say, "Hey, get me a Redman the Robot,"

#572
you'd say, "I'm sorry. We're all out. We're sold out, Mike"?

#574
- Bro, have some respect here, man. - What are you talkin' about?

#575
I don't know who Mike Schmidt is.

#576
- You've never heard of Mike Schmidt? - All right, easy, dude.

#577
- Don't lose your cool. - 12-time all-star,

#578
three-time baseball MVP?

#579
- Maybe he doesn't know… - I don't buy it for one second, dude!

#580
Yeah, but maybe he's never heard…

#581
He's the all-time leading home run hitter.

#582
No, he's not the all-time leading home run hitter.

#583
Well, for white guys he is.

#584
He's not even for white guys.

#585
Babe Ruth's got more than him.

#586
Next you're gonna tell me you don't know who Von Hayes is

#587
or Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian.

#588
- I don't buy it, bitch! - Maybe he's not a baseball fan.

#589
- He's lying! Go get me one! - Don't lose your cool, man!

#590
He's lying, dude. He's got 'em back there.

#591
Try to keep the Christmas spirit!

#593
Dude, nobody knows who Von Hayes is! Man, relax.

#594
- Shit, dude. I'm sorry. - That's okay, man.

#595
- I lost my cool. - Well, I don't know

#596
who doesn't know who Mike Schmidt is.

#597
- Right? It's ridiculous. - That's insane.

#598
Look, let's just be calm, right?

#599
It's a Christmas test.

#600
Another Christmas test. Think of it that way.

#601
- Okay. Charlie? I got a new plan. - Just like that?

#602
- Yeah, dude. - That's so fast.

#603
- I'm firing on all cylinders. - Okay.

#604
- It's a bit of a blessing and a curse. - Let me hear it.

#605
Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna wait till the mall closes.

#606
- Uh-huh. - We're gonna break into the store,

#607
- steal the robot, give that to Ricky. - No, no, no, dude.

#608
You're stealing on Christmas again, okay?

#609
That's not very Christmas-like.

#611
I feel like my parents really screwed me up.

#612
Yeah, but look at me, right?

#613
- I get curveballs from Mommy, you know? - Yeah.

#614
But I'm standing tall. I'm calm. I got the Christmas…

#615
You better watch out

#616
You better not cry You better not pout

#617
- I'm telling you why - Why

#618
Ho-ho-ho-ho!

#619
Santa Claus is coming to town

#620
It's good. Your mom's gonna like that.

#621
He's making a list, checking it twice

#622
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice

#623
Charlie, where are you going?

#624
Charlie! What are you doing?

#625
Charlie. What are you doing?

#626
- No! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.

#628
Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.

#629
- We don't have time for this shit. - Ho-ho-ho-ho!

#630
Well, hello, and merry Christmas.

#633
Uh, is he retarded?

#634
Yeah. I got this one.

#635
So, son, what would you like for Christmas, huh?

#636
Did you fuck my mom?

#637
What?

#638
Did you fuck my mom?

#639
What do you mean? I, uh, uh…

#640
Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?

#641
- Did you fuck my mom? - No.

#642
Did you fuck her? Did you fuck my fucking mom?

#643
Did you fuck my mom, Santa?

#644
- He's biting my neck! - Charlie!

#645
Get him off! He's trying to kill me!

#646
No, no! Did you fuck my mom?

#647
- Did you fuck my mom? - You're gonna kill Santa Claus!

#648
Mommy!

#649
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, kid.

#650
Charlie, we gotta go, dude! Come on, bro!

#651
- Dude, what the fuck are you doing? - Did you fuck my mom?

#652
- Let's get out of here! - Did you fuck my mom?

#655
You think, when we leave, you could just, uh,

#656
you know, swing by my house and drop me off?

#657
No. No. We don't have time for that shit, all right?

#658
Listen, we're doing the Christmas future. We're doing it now.

#659
- What the hell is this? - You ready?

#660
That is Mom's grave, right? And this, right here?

#661
This is your eternal resting…

#662
Yo, Deandra. That… That is not my future.

#663
I'm not gonna be buried in a grave.

#664
When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.

#665
- Okay. - You know what? Just change now. Okay?

#666
- It's time for you to change, okay? - It's time for that now.

#667
We did the Christmas past. We did the old man ghost.

#668
- We did the grave thing. - Here we are.

#669
Now it's time for you to change, and give us reparations.

#670
You give us reparations, and cars, and Lamborghinis,

#671
and goddamn money!

#672
- And purses! - You son of a bitch!

#673
Aha! That's what this is all about, right?

#674
Yeah!

#675
You don't give a shit whether I change or not, do you? Huh?

#676
It's all about you… What you want.

#677
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

#680
- Oh, screw your goddamn lesson! - Yeah? I'm out of here.

#681
Who gives a shit about your lesson?

#682
Just stop ruining Christmas for us!

#683
I didn't think that I would still be involved at this point.

#684
So,

#685
why don't you just take me home?

#686
You know what, Eugene?

#688
You have been an awesome disappointment to us.

#689
You have contributed nothing to any of this, Eugene!

#690
You, yourself, have ruined Christmas!

#691
You didn't let me talk to Frank

#692
about the peace that he would find in the Lord…

#693
No, no, no, no! No!

#694
We don't want to hear about the Lord anymore!

#695
I can't stand it.

#696
I'll shove my fist right in your mouth, I'm sorry.

#697
If you think Jesus, and the Lord are so great,

#698
why don't you have them swing by in their Lamborghinis

#699
- and take your ass home! - Yeah, that's a good idea.

#700
Hey, Mac.

#701
Now, I know things weren't pretty at the mall,

#703
And check it out, we can still get some Christmas spirit,

#705
The shirt. Is this the shirt that you're referring to?

#706
- Yeah! - It's covered in blood, Charlie.

#708
- It's not gonna work, is it? - No, it's not gonna work.

#709
The only way that we're gonna get back the Christmas spirit…

#710
- Is if we get back to the basics. - You're right, man.

#712
There's just no way to get the Christmas spirit anymore, man.

#713
Take the Christmas decorations down, you guys. I am dead serious.

#714
Christmas is a bullshit holiday,

#715
and it is forever banned from Paddy's Irish Pub.

#717
Have a drink. We get it.

#719
Yeah. Christmas is just a bunch of bullshit.

#720
You just find out that your dad stole all your presents

#721
and that your mom gets fucked by a series of never-ending Santa Clauses.

#722
Charlie's mom is a prostitute, by the way.

#723
- We don't know that for sure, okay? - We know it for sure.

#724
Let's just move past it, accept it and go.

#725
- I can see that. - I definitely buy that.

#726
- I can see that. - I was thinking the same thing.

#728
What?

#729
Somebody from the hospital. Apparently, Frank was in a car accident.

#730
He's dead. They want us to come and identify his body.

#731
Oh, my God.

#732
This is heavy, man. Really heavy.

#733
I don't know that I'm ready to see his dead body.

#734
Okay, this is his room, you guys. Just brace yourselves.

#735
This could be a little rough.

#736
Yo!

#737
What the hell is this?

#1020
I know you got back there.

#1021
Um, I'm being very serious right now. We don't have any.

#1022
- If I had… - All right. So, okay. Hold on a second.

#1023
You're telling me that if Mike Schmidt were to walk in here right now

#1024
and say, "Hey, get me a Redman the Robot,"

#1025
you'd say, "I'm sorry. We're all out. We're sold out, Mike"?

#1026
- Who is Mike Schmidt? - Who's Mike Schmidt?

#1027
- Bro, have some respect here, man. - What are you talkin' about?

#1028
I don't know who Mike Schmidt is.

#1029
- You've never heard of Mike Schmidt? - All right, easy, dude.

#1030
- Don't lose your cool. - 12-time all-star,

#1031
three-time baseball MVP?

#1032
- Maybe he doesn't know… - I don't buy it for one second, dude!

#1033
Yeah, but maybe he's never heard…

#1034
He's the all-time leading home run hitter.

#1035
No, he's not the all-time leading home run hitter.

#1036
Well, for white guys he is.

#1037
He's not even for white guys.

#1038
Babe Ruth's got more than him.

#1039
Next you're gonna tell me you don't know who Von Hayes is

#1040
or Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian.

#1041
- I don't buy it, bitch! - Maybe he's not a baseball fan.

#1042
- He's lying! Go get me one! - Don't lose your cool, man!

#1043
He's lying, dude. He's got 'em back there.

#1044
Try to keep the Christmas spirit!

#1045
Von Hayes walks in here, you got one for Von Hayes?

#1047
- Shit, dude. I'm sorry. - That's okay, man.

#1048
- I lost my cool. - Well, I don't know

#1049
who doesn't know who Mike Schmidt is.

#1050
- Right? It's ridiculous. - That's insane.

#1051
Look, let's just be calm, right?

#1052
It's a Christmas test.

#1053
Another Christmas test. Think of it that way.

#1054
- Okay. Charlie? I got a new plan. - Just like that?

#1055
- Yeah, dude. - That's so fast.

#1056
- I'm firing on all cylinders. - Okay.

#1057
- It's a bit of a blessing and a curse. - Let me hear it.

#1059
- Uh-huh. - We're gonna break into the store,

#1060
- steal the robot, give that to Ricky. - No, no, no, dude.

#1061
You're stealing on Christmas again, okay?

#1062
That's not very Christmas-like.

#1063
Shit, dude. It's a vicious cycle.

#1064
I feel like my parents really screwed me up.

#1065
Yeah, but look at me, right?

#1066
- I get curveballs from Mommy, you know? - Yeah.

#1067
But I'm standing tall. I'm calm. I got the Christmas…

#1068
You better watch out

#1069
You better not cry You better not pout

#1070
- I'm telling you why - Why

#1071
Ho-ho-ho-ho!

#1072
Santa Claus is coming to town

#1074
He's making a list, checking it twice

#1075
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice

#1076
Charlie, where are you going?

#1077
Charlie! What are you doing?

#1078
Charlie. What are you doing?

#1080
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.

#1081
Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.

#1082
- We don't have time for this shit. - Ho-ho-ho-ho!

#1083
Well, hello, and merry Christmas.

#1084
So, where's your little one? Ooh!

#1085
Oh, you're a big boy, aren't you?

#1086
Uh, is he retarded?

#1087
Yeah. I got this one.

#1089
Did you fuck my mom?

#1090
What?

#1091
Did you fuck my mom?

#1092
What do you mean? I, uh, uh…

#1093
Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?

#1094
- Did you fuck my mom? - No.

#1095
Did you fuck her? Did you fuck my fucking mom?

#1096
Did you fuck my mom, Santa?

#1097
- He's biting my neck! - Charlie!

#1098
Get him off! He's trying to kill me!

#1099
No, no! Did you fuck my mom?

#1100
- Did you fuck my mom? - You're gonna kill Santa Claus!

#1101
Mommy!

#1102
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, kid.

#1103
Charlie, we gotta go, dude! Come on, bro!

#1104
- Dude, what the fuck are you doing? - Did you fuck my mom?

#1105
- Let's get out of here! - Did you fuck my mom?

#1107
Santa's been attacked!

#1108
You think, when we leave, you could just, uh,

#1109
you know, swing by my house and drop me off?

#1110
No. No. We don't have time for that shit, all right?

#1111
Listen, we're doing the Christmas future. We're doing it now.

#1112
- What the hell is this? - You ready?

#1113
That is Mom's grave, right? And this, right here?

#1114
This is your eternal resting…

#1115
Yo, Deandra. That… That is not my future.

#1117
When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.

#1118
- Okay. - You know what? Just change now. Okay?

#1119
- It's time for you to change, okay? - It's time for that now.

#1120
We did the Christmas past. We did the old man ghost.

#1121
- We did the grave thing. - Here we are.

#1122
Now it's time for you to change, and give us reparations.

#1123
You give us reparations, and cars, and Lamborghinis,

#1124
and goddamn money!

#1125
- And purses! - You son of a bitch!

#1126
Aha! That's what this is all about, right?

#1127
Yeah!

#1128
You don't give a shit whether I change or not, do you? Huh?

#1129
It's all about you… What you want.

#1130
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

#1131
Well, you're never gonna learn your lesson, Dennis.

#1132
You're never gonna learn, Deandra.

#1133
- Oh, screw your goddamn lesson! - Yeah? I'm out of here.

#1134
Who gives a shit about your lesson?

#1135
Just stop ruining Christmas for us!

#1136
I didn't think that I would still be involved at this point.

#1137
So,

#1138
why don't you just take me home?

#1139
You know what, Eugene?

#1140
You are useless.

#1142
You have contributed nothing to any of this, Eugene!

#1143
You, yourself, have ruined Christmas!

#1144
You didn't let me talk to Frank

#1145
about the peace that he would find in the Lord…

#1146
No, no, no, no! No!

#1147
We don't want to hear about the Lord anymore!

#1148
I can't stand it.

#1149
I'll shove my fist right in your mouth, I'm sorry.

#1150
If you think Jesus, and the Lord are so great,

#1151
why don't you have them swing by in their Lamborghinis

#1152
- and take your ass home! - Yeah, that's a good idea.

#1153
Hey, Mac.

#1155
but we have a chance to save Christmas here, dude.

#1156
And check it out, we can still get some Christmas spirit,

#1157
if we just bring that shirt I bought over to Ricky Falcone.

#1158
The shirt. Is this the shirt that you're referring to?

#1159
- Yeah! - It's covered in blood, Charlie.

#1161
- It's not gonna work, is it? - No, it's not gonna work.

#1162
The only way that we're gonna get back the Christmas spirit…

#1163
- Is if we get back to the basics. - You're right, man.

#1164
We're gonna throw rocks at trains.

#1165
There's just no way to get the Christmas spirit anymore, man.

#1166
Take the Christmas decorations down, you guys. I am dead serious.

#1167
Christmas is a bullshit holiday,

#1169
- That's it! - All right, take it easy.

#1170
Have a drink. We get it.

#1172
Yeah. Christmas is just a bunch of bullshit.

#1173
You just find out that your dad stole all your presents

#1174
and that your mom gets fucked by a series of never-ending Santa Clauses.

#1176
- We don't know that for sure, okay? - We know it for sure.

#1177
Let's just move past it, accept it and go.

#1178
- I can see that. - I definitely buy that.

#1179
- I can see that. - I was thinking the same thing.

#1180
Hey, guys. Frank's dead.

#1181
What?

#1182
Somebody from the hospital. Apparently, Frank was in a car accident.

#1183
He's dead. They want us to come and identify his body.

#1184
Oh, my God.

#1185
This is heavy, man. Really heavy.

#1186
I don't know that I'm ready to see his dead body.

#1187
Okay, this is his room, you guys. Just brace yourselves.

#1188
This could be a little rough.

#1189
Yo!

#1190
What the hell is this?

#1191
Well, I knew you guys would never come to see me,

#1192
so I faked my own death.

#1193
Really should have seen that one coming, right?

#1194
- Yeah. - Really should have seen that coming.

#1195
So there was no car accident.

#1197
and I was thrown from the car.

#1198
And I sprained my ankle.

#1199
So you call us down here to show us that you have a sprained ankle?

#1200
No, no, no, no. I called you down here to tell you something else.

#1201
I had a vision.

#1202
I was drivin' out of the cemetery in the Countach.

#1203
I just finished my bag of cheesy loops, and malt balls.

#1204
I must have hit a patch of ice.

#1205
I start swirlin' out of control!

#1206
I was thrown from the car.

#1207
I must have hit my head on the pavement,

#1208
'cause everything went white…

#1209
And I saw this magical land.

#1210
Whoa, this is freaky!

#1211
Oh, hello there, Frank!

#1212
Hey, who said that?

#1213
Over here!

#1214
I heard you've been a grumpy-gussy Christmas grouch.

#1215
Yeah? So what?

#1216
Well, you need to get the Christmas spirit.

#1217
I don't need to listen to this shit.

#1218
Where the hell is my Countach?

#1219
I'm gettin' outta here.

#1220
Coun… Tach?

#1221
Yeah, it's a Lamborghini, shit-bird.

#1222
You ever heard of one?

#1223
What the hell was that, you little green bitch?

#1224
Christmas is a time for joy

#1225
For every girl and every boy

#1226
Rich or poor old or young

#1227
The Christmas spirit's in everyone

#1228
Fa-la-la-la

#1229
But you'll miss out on all the fun

#1230
'Cause you're not nice to anyone

#1231
A grumpy-gussy Christmas grouch

#1233
Watching his roommate pounding off

#1234
Pulling fake outs pulling pranks

#1235
Gives your friends the Christmas cranks

#1236
And this is how they will react

#1237
When they finally crack

#1238
They'll rip your arm off at the bone

#1239
Eat it like an ice cream cone

#1240
And gouge your eyes out with a spoon

#1241
Blow them up like two balloons

#1242
Keep them close so you can see

#1243
As they chain-saw off your knee

#1244
Bash your body with a board

#1245
And hang you by your spinal cord

#1246
Oh, shit.

#1247
And then they'll rip you down

#1248
So you survive

#1249
Grind your legs while you're alive

#1250
Throw you to a gator pit

#1251
Let them gnaw on you a bit

#1252
Pull you out and stab your face

#1253
Spray your wounds all full of mace

#1254
Now they're really getting brazen

#1255
When you're burned by racist singing raisins

#1257
Yeah, burn his ass off!

#1258
But it's not too late to make amends

#1259
With your family with your friends

#1260
All you really have to do is

#1262
Get the Christmas spirit

#1265
You

#1266
Good-bye, folks!

#1270
I might have added something in my brain there at the end.

#1271
I've had a very strange day.

#1272
The point is, I'm a changed man,

#1274
the absolute best Christmas you ever had.

#1275
Too bad, jerk!

#1276
The only thing your story proves is that you're a demented asshole.

#1277
Wait a second, Dee. Wait, wait, wait.

#1278
Maybe there is a lesson to be learned in all of this.

#1279
The best part of Frank's story

#1280
was how the four of us came together as a group

#1281
to mercilessly slaughter him.

#1282
You see what I'm saying?

#1283
And I think that's what Christmas is really all about.

#1284
After all, it's the four of us really sticking together.

#1285
So wait a second.

#1286
What you're saying is maybe,

#1287
we've been relying too heavily on our parents to give us a good Christmas.

#1288
If we stick together, we can give each other the Christmas spirit.

#1289
That's right, guys. I don't think it's too late

#1290
for us to give ourselves a great Christmas.

#1291
- Really? - Right, yeah.

#1292
Okay, I got something I gotta finish. Let's do it together.

#1293
- All right! - Let's have a good Christmas!

#1294
What about me?

#1295
Oh, you go fuck yourself in your fat fuckin' ass.

#1296
Hey, you know what,

#1297
do you guys think it's too late to get a Christmas tree?

#1298
- Yeah, dude, way too late. - I don't care for fir trees anyway.

#1299
- What's wrong with 'em? - I don't like the smell.

#1300
Yeah, plus they're a fire hazard. There's all that sap.

#1301
Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna get a tree,

#1302
why not get a tree that does something.

#1303
- Like an orange tree. - Yeah.

#1304
Where you gonna find an orange tree in Philadelphia?

#1305
You know, we could get a bag of oranges!

#1306
Dude, now you're thinking!

#1307
- And do what? Hang 'em in the bar? - No, bro, it'll be awesome!

#1308
We take the oranges, we give 'em to each other as gifts!

#1309
That's a terrible gift. I don't want it.

#1310
- All right, here we go. - Hmm?

#1311
O Holy Night

#1312
The stars are brightly shining

#1313
It is the night of our dear savior's birth

#1314
The hell are you guys doing?

#1315
It's 4:00 in the goddamn morning.

#1316
Long lay the world in…

#1317
Hey! Shut up!

#1318
What the hell do you want?

#1319
We want to give you some Christmas cheer.

#1320
- Oh, and a new shirt! - Yeah! I got you a shirt!

#1321
Now, I got a little blood on that, dude, but it's cool.

#1322
It's gonna wash out. You're gonna look sharp.

#1323
I don't want your stupid shirt.

#1324
Ricky, do yourself a favor. Take the shirt, get out of that rut.

#1325
Hey! Shut the hell up down there!

#1326
- Hey, you shut the hell up up there! - Hey, jerk-off!

#1327
- Don't make me come down there! - Come down! See what happens!

#1328
I'll bite you right in your neck! Okay, bitch!

#1329
Why don't you guys get the hell out of here!

#1330
We're trying to give you the Christmas spirit here, dick-hole!

#1331
I don't want it!

#1332
Nobody wants it, assholes!

#1333
- God damn it! God damn you, bitch! - You're gonna get it anyway!

#1334
Keep singin'!

#1335
Fall on your knees

#1336
Here's your blood, bitch!

#1337
O hear

#1338
The angel voices

#1339
O night divine

#1340
O night when Christ was born

#1341
Man, I knew I shouldn't have parked in front of the hydrant.

#1342
I knew it. I did it anyway.

#1343
You're gonna get towed every time.

#1344
I was gonna say something. I don't know why I didn't.

#1345
Who tows on Christmas eve?

#1346
- Christmas. - Huh?

#1347
It's been Christmas for six hours, you dumb shithead.

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