Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E04 — Dee Made a Smut Film

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 4 — Dee Made a Smut Film

#1
- Hey, guys. Here we go. - I'm ordering it.

#2
Drop the bluff, Dee.

#3
No one believes you're in an actual movie.

#4
You guys are gonna feel hella stupid when you see me

#5
- acting in a feature film. - "Hella." Are we saying "hella" now?

#6
- 'Cause I like it. - No, we're not saying "hella," okay?

#7
- No. - Nobody's saying "hella" anymore.

#8
I never really got to say it. "Hella" came and went.

#9
Dee, can we watch something else?

#10
Can we watch, like, a superhero movie or something?

#12
Oh, that's a nice opening shot. Symmetrical vista.

#13
It's beautiful.

#14
Directed by Pedro Vyes. Who's he?

#15
He's, like, this foreign art house director.

#16
- Oh. Ooh... - Foreign director. Very impressive.

#17
Okay, you guys, be quiet. This is my scene.

#19
Or pretty late.

#20
Why don't you make it a double.

#21
Oh, yeah? A little hair of the dog that bit you?

#22
Yeah, Dee,

#23
I got to hand it to you. Y... You've been talking

#24
about doing this for years, and... Is that Richard Grieco?

#25
Hi.

#26
Aw, Grieco. I love that guy. Where's he been?

#27
Richard Grieco is in an art house movie?

#28
That seems odd.

#29
That's a little strange. Yeah, it's a little stra...

#30
But, you know, they... They always got to get some kind of a name

#32
- Oh, now he's being blown. - Right.

#33
Okay. Now... Now this makes sense.

#35
What? No? It's not a porn. You guys,

#36
the... The foreigners, they have a much more evolved view of sex.

#37
This is... This is art.

#38
Dee, what channel did you order this from?

#39
Cinemax.

#40
Cinemax?

#41
Cinemax doesn't make art.

#42
You guys, Pedro is... Is an edgy, foreign director.

#43
Where's he from?

#44
- Puerto Rico. - Oh!

#45
- Puerto Rico? - Puerto Rico? Puerto Rico!

#47
Dee, you made a Skinemax flick with a Puerto Rican pervert.

#48
Congratulations. Good thing you got us all together.

#49
Listen, hey, I did not make a smut film.

#50
Gobble that cock.

#51
Now, why is Grieco resorting to Skinemax?

#52
He's got a great career. He's doing fine.

#53
Actually, it makes sense. I mean,

#54
erotic films are very, very in right now.

#55
I mean, Grieco probably didn't realize he was doing a porn.

#56
I think he thought he was doing the next

#57
Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever.

#58
I mean, it's a... It's a fine line

#59
these days between art and smut.

#60
It really is. Art's a tricky thing.

#61
The whole art world is bullshit nowadays.

#62
I mean, like, anything can be considered art. I'll bet you

#63
Charlie's doodlings could be considered art by some people.

#64
Well, that's 'cause my drawings are art.

#65
You're not an artist, dude. You're drawing with chalk.

#67
I'm just eating the chalk.

#68
Charlie, don't eat chalk.

#69
Well, it settles my stomach.

#70
My stomach's a little...

#72
- What's the difference? - One is chalk!

#73
Well, I don't like wasting Tums.

#74
Tums is very good to draw with.

#75
This maniac is an artist?

#76
I'll bet you if I hung one

#77
of Charlie's doodles in a modern art gallery,

#79
Mm. No. No, I disagree.

#80
No, art has to come from a more meaningful place.

#81
It can't just be silly nonsense.

#82
I mean, take my erotic memoirs,

#83
for example.

#84
- Now, that was art. - That was smut.

#85
No, dude, what I do is art. And you know what else?

#86
I think I should film it. Yeah.

#87
I mean, guys, I'd be a fool not to ride this erotic tidal wave

#88
our culture seems to be on, film it,

#89
do the next Fifty Shades of Grey, my style, you know?

#90
My film would be real, it would be tasteful,

#91
it would be... It would be subtle.

#92
It wouldn't be some goddamn Puerto Rican smut.

#93
I'm down to try this, like, art gallery idea of yours.

#94
What do you think Grieco would do?

#95
He wouldn't eat chalk.

#96
Yes, but I just don't understand why you're choosing

#97
to dress like Richard Grieco.

#98
Well, because he's a cool bro and I'm a cool bro.

#99
I just want to do a Grieco thing. I'm vibing with it.

#100
- I'm vibing with it, man. - Stop saying that you're vibing and "bro."

#102
- will handle this. - Thank you. All right, you do it.

#103
- All right, Frank. Oh, oh, oh, oh. - Leave him alone.

#104
- Look, here's a spot. Here's a spot. - What?

#105
- Yeah. - Just keep... Keep an eye out.

#106
Okay.

#107
- That's good. That's good. - Mmm.

#108
Oh, yeah. Looks perfect.

#109
- Oh, wow. I like this one. - Oh.

#111
She's going for it.

#112
She loves it.

#113
She loves it. She's going for it.

#114
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

#115
- What the hell are you doing? - Whoa. Hey, lady. Lady.

#116
You can't throw art in the trash.

#117
Oh, that wasn't art. It was garbage.

#118
Wait, wait, wait a second. Wait a second.

#119
I mean, how... How is that art

#120
and this is trash? I mean, who's to say, really?

#121
Well, I'm to say. It's my gallery.

#122
Okay. Then please explain to me

#123
how that is art

#124
and this is garbage.

#125
Well, it's all about context.

#126
The story behind each piece is part of what endows it

#127
with meaning. For example, this artist

#128
worked for 30 years

#129
before finally finding his voice.

#130
He left his home when he was a boy

#132
and painted the poor children he saw in the streets.

#133
The ambiguity he uses to paint children

#134
and animals.

#135
His work provokes.

#136
It raises questions.

#137
Are we children?

#138
Are we animals?

#139
Are children animals?

#141
you want... Context. Okay.

#142
Well, the artist that did this, his life is, like, total shit.

#143
I mean, like, way worse than this Nazi painter.

#144
Oh. Hey, Charlie?

#145
Yeah, uh... What... What are you doing, man?

#147
this is Charlie. He's the, uh... He's the artist.

#148
C... Could you tell the lady how your... Don't do that.

#149
Okay, can you just explain to her how your life is garbage

#150
- so that she... It's not sw... - Oh, my life's pretty sweet, bro.

#151
Hang out at a bar all day with my bros.

#152
You know? Go on lots of adventures. I'm really kind of

#153
a sweet businessman when I think about it.

#154
He's an illiterate janitor whose mother tried to abort him in...

#155
- Frank, Frank, tell her, please. - Huh?

#156
What is it?

#158
It's... It's what we discussed.

#159
- It's what we've been discussing. - Oh.

#160
Tell her that Charlie's life is a piece of shit. Please.

#161
- Thank you. - I've got one of those hella sweet lives.

#162
Stop saying "hella"! He doesn't...

#163
He doesn't normally say "hella."

#164
I don't know where he picked this up.

#165
- I'm sorry. I'm just not interested. - Okay,

#166
- well, wait, we just need to take one... - I'm not interested, either.

#167
I go for more of the Pam Anderson type,

#168
- you know what I mean? - Oh, my God. Okay, look...

#169
- I'm not interested. - Damn it. Why did I even bring you two?

#170
"A man enters.

#171
The room wouldn't be the only thing he'd enter that day.

#172
His name was Dennis."

#173
I'm... I'm sorry... What is happening?

#174
- "Silence." - Okay.

#175
"He said. 'A woman's mouth

#176
is not for the exiting of words

#177
but for the entrance of a man's... Dick.'

#178
And then he did put it in there.

#179
In her mouth, I mean."

#180
Okay.

#181
And then they... They have sex all over the library.

#182
Okay, I, uh,

#183
I... I'm sorry, I don't know what's happening here.

#184
You must think I'm somebody else.

#185
Look, look. Sure, I could leave here right now,

#187
But he's gross, you know?

#188
He's basically, like, the Cinemax of humans.

#189
Okay, I think I'm catching up here. So you want to make a film

#190
based on the pornographic book you're reading from.

#191
Look... This is my Fifty Shades of Grey, lady.

#192
All right? Was the guy who wrote that gross?

#193
It was written by a woman.

#195
That it was written by a woman.

#196
Everybody knows that.

#197
Yeah, but that's why you needed to let me get to the...

#198
This was also written by a woman. Yeah.

#199
Writ... Written and to be directed by...

#200
My sister.

#201
What do you think?

#203
Dee, you're not doing anything that matters, right?

#204
You know, I think I'm finally figuring out

#205
this editing software, and I have to say I put together

#206
a pretty prime-time acting reel here.

#208
Pretty early for a whiskey.

#209
A little hair of the dog that bit you?

#210
Using a multi-tiered distribu...

#211
Multi-level marketi...

#212
The Invigaron system.

#213
Brains.

#214
It i...

#215
It's missing something, isn't it?

#216
Nah, it's great.

#217
Uh, Dee, you know what I think

#218
the real problem, though,

#219
- with the acting business is? - Uh-huh?

#220
Every actor these days is a multi-hyphenate.

#221
They're doing everything... They're writing,

#222
they're directing, you know.

#223
- Mm. - So here's a thought I just had.

#224
How would you like to, um,

#225
direct my erotic memoirs?

#226
I've always wanted to direct.

#227
And you want me to do it?

#228
- Yeah, yeah. - Smart.

#229
Smart. You bring a female perspective in.

#230
- Mm-hmm. - It's a very interesting layer.

#231
- Yeah, it's... It's a good layer. - That's really smart of you.

#232
Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that for you.

#233
Okay, so, um... Great.

#234
- So you'll do that, and, um... - Yeah, yeah.

#235
Now we just need a star that we can attach on... On short notice.

#236
Don't worry, I got... I got an idea. I got a lot of ideas.

#237
All right, what about this one? You know,

#238
I had a dream about, um, you know, boiled eggs.

#239
So, I, uh...

#240
Okay. What do the... What do the eggs represent?

#241
Eggs, you know? Like, uh... From a chicken.

#242
Just eggs? No. Charlie, you're not getting it.

#244
That comes from someplace deep.

#245
But is also childlike and stupid, to prove my point.

#246
Hey, bro, uh, maybe stop telling me what to do all the time,

#247
you know? 'Cause if you tell me what to do, then, like,

#248
you know, that's, like, I got, like, a lame,

#249
kind of square dude telling me

#252
And so I'm gonna draw eggs that represent eggs, bro.

#253
And it's gonna... It's gonna be hella cool, man.

#254
You're gonna like these eggs.

#255
Can I ask you a question? Do you... Do you

#256
want to sell this art or not?

#257
Bro, is this about making money for you

#258
or is it about proving your point?

#259
Like, I don't even know what it is, man.

#260
It's becoming about both for me. I don't know

#261
what it's becoming for you.

#262
Come on, man.

#263
I'm ripping this up.

#264
I'm ripping this up. That's it.

#265
Bro, stop ripping up my art, man!

#266
- Get in there! - Okay.

#267
You stink! Ugh.

#268
I found him turning tricks in the scrap metal yard.

#269
Good news, Charlie. We're gonna use Cricket now.

#270
Oh. Use me how? Use what part of me?

#271
Relax. You are gonna be the face of Charlie's art.

#272
What? Why, man?

#273
Because he's got, like, the worst life imaginable,

#274
and that's clearly what those people want.

#275
That's true, I do have the worst life.

#276
You know what, Cricks, why don't you come over here,

#277
- why don't you tell Charlie what to draw. - Okay.

#278
Tell me wh... I don't want to draw his drawings.

#279
No, Charlie, this is gonna work, all right?

#280
Just jump on board, jump on board. Okay, go ahead.

#281
All right, bro... Bro.

#282
Oh, all right, fine.

#283
Talk to me, brother.

#285
What is he doing?

#286
He's doing, like, a Grieco thing.

#287
Okay. Uh, all right.

#288
Well, what do you want to hear about?

#289
You want to hear about a... Dog orgy

#290
or when a cat bit off my toe?

#291
Dog orgy, brother.

#292
Dog orgy. Okay.

#293
This is going great.

#294
Okay, now, Frank, I need you

#296
to Paddy's for an art opening that we're gonna have here.

#297
- Oh. - You know? Flash a little cash.

#299
Oh, I got this. I... I used to hang with an art crowd in the '70s.

#300
I know these people.

#301
O... Okay. All right. But... But... Play it subtle, all right?

#302
Subtle. Yeah.

#303
Frank. Play it subtle.

#304
Subtle.

#305
- Hello! - Hello?

#306
Ango Gablogian, the art collector.

#307
Charmed, I'm sure.

#309
- Okay. - But first...

#310
- Allow me to destroy your gallery. - Oh.

#311
Bullshit.

#312
Bullshit.

#315
I absolutely love.

#316
Um, that's just the air conditioner.

#317
I want it.

#319
I mean, look at us.

#321
we're just walking around on the planet, breathing,

#322
- conditioning the air. - Right.

#323
I condition it hot,

#324
that conditions it cold.

#325
I mean, it's symbiotic, no?

#326
- No, it is. - I mean, we're just the air conditioners

#327
walking around on this planet,

#328
screwing each other's brains out.

#329
So true. I never thought of it like that.

#330
Oh... Hello, you.

#331
This room won't be the only thing

#332
that I'll be entering today.

#333
- Hey, teach. - Cut!

#334
A woman's mouth is not for exiting of words,

#335
but for the entrance of a man's penis.

#336
Cut!

#337
Grieco, Grieco, Grieco, come on, man.

#338
Shoot her tits. I need some... I need a couple... Just...

#339
Get mostly tits on this one. Lots of emotion.

#340
And I want to feel a little bit of, uh,

#341
of sadness coming from your tits. And, action.

#342
- A woman's mouth... - Cut!

#343
"Not for the exiting of words, it's for the entrance..."

#344
- Dee, can you just let him... - Is there really...

#345
Is there really a frigging difference between "exiting"

#346
- and "entering"? - Hey! Excuse me, every... You know what?

#347
Is there a difference between "exiting" and "entering"?

#348
I know there is, but is there... But words exit.

#349
Okay, okay, you know what? I... I need a seaweed break.

#350
Grieco, you've had 15 packages of seaweed today.

#351
Guys, Richard needs a seaweed five.

#352
Another... Oh, goddamn it!

#354
Just like it was in high school?

#355
You know, about that.

#356
What exactly happened in high school?

#357
'Cause it sounds like you had sex with a teacher.

#358
Uh, well, no, she wasn't a teacher.

#359
She was a hot young librarian.

#360
- Are you talking about Ms. Klinsky? - Yeah.

#362
She looked like Rick Moranis.

#363
Moranis was always in pretty good shape, yeah.

#364
Plus, when she took her hair out of the bun,

#365
she went from Moranis to Alanis.

#366
Gross. You were 14.

#367
So, technically, you were raped.

#368
- It wasn't rape. Can't rape a guy. - Huh?

#369
You can't rape... I was... I was willing.

#370
You know, you can't rape... I mean, it's cool.

#371
Like, I bedded an older woman. That's cool.

#372
- Right, Grieco? - You know what?

#373
- Let me use your pain in the scene. - What are you talking about?

#374
You can't use somebody else's pain, Grieco.

#375
Do you know how acting works?

#376
Look...

#377
Touch my finger...

#378
- And transfer your pain into me. - Mm-hmm, it's a good idea.

#379
- Touch... Touch my finger. - I'm not touching your finger, man.

#380
- I'm not touching your finger! - Dennis.

#382
Why don't you just shoot me doing the goddamn scene?

#383
I'll seduce the librarian.

#384
You know what? That seaweed's making me a little sick.

#385
Uh, can I get a chalk break

#386
- or something like that? - Uh-oh.

#387
I call this one "Dog Three-Way."

#389
Actually, four with me, so, four-way.

#390
I was in a dog orgy.

#391
God, he's making a mockery of my art, bro.

#392
- Oh. - Well,

#393
the shoot was a total disaster.

#394
Dee's incompetent and a bitch, which we all knew.

#395
But, I mean, Richard Grieco.

#396
The man is obsessed with seaweed. It's...

#397
Pump your brakes. You met Grieco?

#399
but, uh, it didn't go very well.

#400
What... What are you doing? Are you doing a Grieco thing?

#401
Yeah, I'm doing a Grieco thing, 'cause... 'Cause Grieco's the man.

#402
- You know, is he the man? - No, not really.

#403
- Ah, he's not the man? - No, he's, he's... Yeah, no.

#404
Hello, boys.

#405
Is that how you played it? That is way over the top.

#406
What are you talking about? This is it. This is the way they are.

#407
- Frank, did you buy an air conditioner? - Yes, and I bought a painting for $35K.

#408
Why?

#409
Because I liked it, and that's what it cost.

#411
I am trying to prove that this is all bullshit,

#412
and you guys are all buying into it.

#413
- Oh. Oh, ho, ho, ho. - Oh, hi.

#414
- Hi. - Here's the darling.

#415
- Oh. - That sold me...

#417
- Mm. - A revelation.

#418
- Oh. Hi, Ango. - Oh, oh.

#419
- Mm. - Oh. Oh, great.

#420
Oh, thank you. Thank you, Ango.

#421
- Yes. - Thank you very much.

#422
- And thank you for coming. - Oh. Oh, my pleasure.

#423
Yes, we have... We have many paintings by

#424
- our featured artist, Rickety Cricket. - Ah...

#425
Okay, well, Ango clearly has a great eye.

#426
I do have a great eye.

#427
So I'm excited to see what you have.

#428
Yes, yes. Well, here we have a Cricket.

#429
Oh.

#430
Yes, yes, and, uh, here we have another Cricket.

#431
- Uh-huh. - And, uh...

#432
Oh, here we have the artist himself.

#433
- This is Rickety Cricket. - Hey-o.

#434
Wow.

#436
He ain't lying.

#437
So now you got some perspective

#438
- and some context. - Uh-huh.

#439
And like a story or whatever it is that you people need,

#440
- so... - Uh-huh.

#441
We don't have to talk numbers right now,

#442
- but I feel like it should be... - Hey, guys.

#443
I figured this art opening would be the perfect place

#444
to premiere my directorial debut.

#445
No, Dee, absolutely not.

#446
- That's a hard "no." - Yeah.

#447
Oh, come on. There were...

#449
Hey, hoser, remember when I raped you in the library?

#450
Hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser...

#451
Okay, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. That was, uh...

#452
That's not part of the, uh, whole thing.

#453
It's very disturbing. It's very avant-garde.

#455
Good question. Ango, what do you think?

#456
Millions.

#457
I'd trade my limbs for it.

#458
Well, the market is dictated by what people will pay, so...

#459
Well, right, but how much are you willing to pay for it?

#461
Oh, no, no.

#462
I'm really not interested in buying anything.

#463
But you own an art gallery.

#464
Oh, no. Oh.

#465
I rent an art gallery,

#466
or more accurately, my parents rent one for me.

#467
What?

#468
So that painting I bought from you was worthless?

#469
Of course not.

#470
It meant something to you.

#471
It's worth exactly what you paid.

#472
- I want to sell it back. - Okay.

#473
In that exchange, it would only be worth

#474
what I would pay for it, which is, again, um, nothing.

#475
I... I don't get it.

#476
When is stuff art?

#477
Uh, hey, guys, guys, um, if I may,

#478
I think I can sum this all up.

#479
You see, art

#480
is an ambiguous thing, yeah?

#481
Yeah, just because you make some art, it doesn't mean

#482
that you're an artist.

#483
But, also, it does mean you're an artist.

#484
But does it mean that that art

#485
is good art?

#486
Is art good just because the right people say it's good?

#487
Yes. Yes.

#488
That's... That's how it works.

#490
a lot of modern art is... Is trash.

#491
I mean, it's shitty. It's not...

#492
You know, it's not good. It's terrible.

#493
You know? And yet, it's a fine line

#494
between Van Gogh and Van Damme,

#495
you know, between Depp and Grieco,

#496
between Banksy and Charlie,

#497
that makes it very difficult to determine what's good art.

#498
You know, what's high art?

#499
What has worth? What has meaning?

#500
Yeah?

#501
But if one thing

#502
has become abundantly clear to me today...

#503
And it should be to all of you, as well...

#504
Is that I wasn't raped.

#505
We had a good time, she and I.

#506
Yeah. It was a... It was a two-way road.

#508
And the woman in no way looked like Rick Moranis.

#509
You know?

#510
She totally did. I remember her. Remember her?

#511
Yeah.

#512
- Um... - Real dog. I wouldn't even sleep with her.

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