Home » I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson » S01E03 — It's the Cigars You Smoke That Are Gonna Give You Cancer

I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson

Season 1, Episode 3 — It's the Cigars You Smoke That Are Gonna Give You Cancer

#1
[laughter]

#2
Thanks so much.

#3
Well, now I'm looking for a volunteer from the audience.

#4
Okay. Let's welcome him on stage. Come on up.

#5
[laughs]

#6
-What's your name? -Charlie.

#8
Charlie, we're gonna do just a quick sobriety test.

#9
-Can you do that? -Yeah.

#10
-How many balls do I have in my hand? -One.

#11
These aren't supposed to be hard yet, Charlie.

#12
[crowd laughs] I'll slow it down for you. Okay.

#14
-Can you do that? -I think so.

#15
He thinks so.

#16
Confidence is not your strong suit, neither is your suit-suit.

#17
All right, Charlie,

#18
I just want you to focus on which hand the ball is in.

#19
-Okay. -And I'll give you a hint.

#20
It's not this one.

#21
-Right here? -Goddamn it, Charlie.

#23
Which hand is it in?

#24
-Right here? -No, Charlie, it's in your pocket.

#25
Give him a round of applause. It's Charlie.

#26
Give it up for him.

#27
[laughter]

#28
All right, ladies and gentlemen,

#29
the next trick is something that kept me out of college for...

#30
That was really fun.

#31
God, I'm so full.

#32
If I didn't have to drive,

#33
I would have probably took them up on that offer of the bourbon flight.

#34
That's so cool.

#35
[sighs wearily]

#36
We should do dancing next.

#37
So the babysitter did art with the kids. That's cool.

#38
[chuckles]

#39
Such a fun night.

#40
Good night, sweetie. Love you.

#41
[woman] Why the fuck didn't you stick up for yourself?

#42
-What? -Why the fuck

#43
didn't you stick up for yourself,

#44
you fucking coward?

#45
What are you talking about?

#46
The magician, Charlie.

#47
He embarrassed you.

#48
What?

#49
He brought you on stage,

#50
and he insulted your intelligence.

#51
He made fun of how you look, and you did nothing.

#52
[laughs]

#53
No, he was just joking around. He was a funny magician.

#54
That fat piece of shit made you look like a fool, Charlie.

#55
He basically pulled your little dick out in front of everyone

#56
and jerked you off until nothing came out,

#57
because you are a boy.

#58
No, that is not what happened.

#59
Look...

#60
we will stay married

#61
and raise the kids until they're out of the house,

#62
but I will not respect you,

#63
and I'll make sure the kids don't either.

#64
Oh, my God, it was just a magic act, Brenda.

#65
You make ten times what he makes. Why didn't you say that to him?

#66
-I don't know if that would've helped. -Right, maybe it wouldn't have helped.

#67
I'm glad you had fun

#68
while everyone else had to watch an adult man

#69
jerk your little-boy dick off.

#70
Jesus Christ.

#71
-[applause] -[magician] Now... Thank you.

#72
I'd like to pick from the audience any volunteer.

#73
-Someone-- -Yeah!

#74
I'll do it.

#75
Is that... That's a familiar face.

#76
We don't usually do that, but welcome him to the stage.

#77
-[applause] -Hello. How are you? Terrific.

#78
I don't have a boy dick.

#79
Okay. Okay, that's fine. Uh...

#80
I make ten times as much as you.

#81
Well, you wouldn't know it from the suit.

#82
[laughter]

#83
[yells] You ruined my fucking life!

#84
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson]

#86
for agreeing to be part of this focus group.

#88
in helping us create a brand-new model.

#89
There are no wrong answers.

#90
So let's go around the room,

#91
and you just go ahead and call out features

#92
you'd love to see implemented in your ideal car.

#93
Whenever you're ready.

#94
-Bluetooth capabilities. -Great.

#95
-Voice-activated lights. -Perfect.

#96
-Satellite radio. -Mm-hm.

#97
-Extra cup holders. -And a phone holder.

#98
A good steering wheel that doesn't fly off while you're driving.

#99
[man] Rear-view camera.

#100
-Comfy seats. -A good steering wheel

#101
that doesn't fly off your hand while you're driving.

#102
Uh, automatic side-view mirrors.

#103
A great steering wheel

#104
that doesn't whiff out of the window while I driving.

#105
That is a good idea.

#106
Yeah, I wrote it down.

#107
Oh, nice.

#108
Okay, what do we think it should look like?

#109
-Sleek. -Good.

#110
High-tech.

#111
-Aerodynamic. -Too small.

#112
-I'm sorry? -Too small.

#113
So when you get in there, you're like,

#114
"If the steering wheel fly off, I'm toast."

#115
Look, I-- Okay, I don't know why we'd make it too small.

#116
I think it's a good idea, and I stand by.

#117
-Okay. -And you can have, like, a sporty look.

#118
-Great. -Teacher's pet.

#120
Stinky!

#121
What?

#124
I'm sorry.

#125
I cannot think any good car idea

#126
because this guy keep farting.

#128
What are some ways we can make it family-friendly?

#129
No space for mother-in-law.

#130
That's not helpful.

#131
Shut up, Paul.

#132
You probably love your mother-in-law.

#133
I actually do.

#134
Oh, my God, he admit it!

#135
[group laughs]

#136
-Paul? -What?

#137
-Paul? -What?

#138
[whispers] You have... no... good... car... ideas.

#139
-Shut up. -I doing the best at this.

#140
All right, maybe we should lay off Paul.

#141
That's what his wife said.

#142
[group laughs]

#144
[group celebrates]

#145
You flinched, Paul!

#146
Now you have to marry your mother-in-law!

#147
Yeah, because he landed it and you flinched,

#148
you have to marry your mother-in-law!

#149
I did not flinch.

#150
-You have to! You have to, Paul. -Marry your mother-in-law.

#151
-I didn't flinch. -Come on, Paul.

#152
If you don't, that mean you yourself

#153
admit it yourself that you suck.

#154
That's true. You flinched with the bottle, Paul.

#155
Who is the most popular now, Paul?

#156
[group leader] Paul, you have to marry your mother-in-law

#157
if you flinched at the bottle!

#158
[whooshing]

#159
-[group celebrates] -Paul! You flinch!

#160
[funk music playing]

#161
[woman] Chronic back pain affects everything:

#162
Your family, your job, even your leisure time.

#163
At Laser Spine Specialists,

#164
with our minimally invasive spine surgery,

#165
you can be back on your feet and back in the saddle.

#166
I never thought I'd ride again.

#169
I can finally get back to tending my garden.

#170
I can finally fight my wife's new husband, Danny Crouse.

#171
Call Laser Spine Specialists for your no-cost MRI review

#172
and change your life today.

#173
I'm back to helping out around the house again.

#174
I can finally lift my son over my head again.

#175
I can lift my son over my head again,

#176
and there ain't shit he could do about it.

#177
Come here, you little fuck!

#178
Dad! What the hell?

#179
Come on. I'm gonna get you over my head like a big boy.

#180
He's been rude to me his whole life!

#182
to learn how a less than two-inch incision

#183
can give you a new lease on life.

#184
I can spin my wife again.

#185
I can play with my dog again. [dog barking]

#187
-[siren wails] -[car horn blares]

#188
You told me I could sing!

#189
I listened to the record we made and it sucks!

#190
Hey, I disagree, Ron.

#191
I gave you $10,000 to make me a star!

#192
We just need a couple more dollars to get this thing really popping off!

#193
I'm through, Robbie.

#194
I played "Mountain River Rock"

#195
for my whole family and they laughed at me.

#196
Your family hates you! Only I love you!

#197
And that song is rockin', baby.

#198
We got to fly Jeff Chris down from Indiana

#199
-to mix it professionally. -You listen to me.

#200
No more scamming adults into thinking they're stars.

#202
-[thud] -What the hell, Robbie?!

#203
Where's my airplay?

#204
I had the radio tuned to that station you told me all weekend

#205
and my song never came on.

#206
Don't listen to him, he tricked me too.

#208
Hey, listen, I just got this new beat

#209
and it is totally in your Q zone, all right?

#210
Don't start this with me, Robbie.

#211
-I can't sing. -It's a guaranteed goddamn hit, all right?

#212
It's not exactly in my Q zone, is it?

#213
I mean, yeah. It's also in Johnny's Q zone.

#214
Johnny, do "Palm Tree" for us.

#215
♪ Palm tree girls The palm tree guys... ♪

#216
Don't give it to Johnny. Hold on!

#217
Let me think about it for a minute!

#218
[drumbeat]

#219
♪ Moon river rock ♪

#220
♪ Moon river roll ♪

#221
[woman] Call Laser Spine Specialists today

#222
and get back to the things you've always wanted to do.

#223
You're too tight!

#224
Need to loosen up!

#225
It's gonna be a hit,

#226
but you have to relax!

#227
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby Ba-ba-bay ♪

#229
And that was my dad, you know?

#230
No matter how busy he was,

#231
he always had time for his kids.

#232
Gonna miss you, Dad.

#233
Beautiful words, Kyle. Your father would have been so proud.

#235
So to honor Paul,

#236
why don't we listen to and enjoy a beautiful song?

#237
Oh, our organist, Peg, is under the weather,

#238
so we have a replacement organist for the day.

#239
And I'm now seeing that he brought his own much larger organ.

#240
My condolences.

#241
Let us bow our heads.

#242
Two, three, four!

#243
[confusing carnival song playing]

#244
[slide whistle]

#245
[horns honking]

#246
[confusing music continuing]

#247
[honk]

#248
[music stopping]

#249
My condolences.

#250
Thank you, New Joe.

#251
The thanks is all mine, Parson.

#253
And I'll play her on.

#256
It's called "He Layeth on High,"

#257
and it's about a big baby duck

#258
who gets his head caught in a stewed tomato,

#259
so hold on to your hats.

#260
Two, three, four!

#261
-[rapid jaunty melody playing] -[honk]

#262
[plate breaks, jaunty melody continues]

#263
-[jaunty melody continues] -[honk]

#264
[slide whistles]

#265
-[plate breaks] -[cymbal]

#267
New Joe!

#268
Keep going?

#269
No.

#270
-[old-fashioned vehicle horn] -melody continues]

#271
-[honk] -[plate breaks]

#272
-[high-pitched slide whistle] -[melody continues]

#273
[melody stopping]

#274
♪ Yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah ♪

#275
Your new boyfriend seems very mature.

#276
Yeah, Howie's great.

#277
He works at the tobacco shop my mom buys cigars at.

#278
All right, let's play.

#279
Your record collection's very meat and potatoes, Liz.

#280
Oh, thank you.

#281
No, it just means you don't have anything rare in there.

#282
Okay, everyone got a celebrity name in?

#283
All right, Team One, you're up.

#284
-[man] Remind me the rules again? -You can say anything you want,

#285
just don't say the name you pull out of the hat.

#286
-Okay. -Okay.

#287
-Ready? -All right, let's do this.

#288
And... go.

#289
-He was in Ocean's Eleven. -Matt Damon.

#290
No.

#291
He has a tequila, silver fox...

#292
-George Clooney. -Yes.

#293
Okay, she was a pretty woman.

#294
-Julia Roberts. -Yes. Okay, um...

#295
All right, I guess this is a musician.

#296
-John Mayer. -No, older...

#297
-Time. -Goddamn.

#298
It's jazz legend Marcus "The Worm" Hicks.

#299
[giggles] Okay, who put that in?

#300
That one might be one of mine.

#301
Okay, Team Two, we're up.

#302
Howie, you go first.

#303
[sighs] All right.

#304
[groans]

#305
-This is a cool hat. -Okay, ready?

#306
-And... go. -All right, this guy

#307
ran with Thaddeus Finks.

#308
He was one of the Eight Balls in Mookie Kramer and the Eight Balls.

#309
This doesn't sound like anything.

#310
He played the alto sax with the kink in it.

#311
-I don't know. -Not sure.

#312
Really? Okay, pass.

#313
Okay, this one's easy. He's got the freak lips,

#314
he can hit the high C all night long.

#315
He was king of the tuk-tuk sound.

#316
Is this another jazz guy?

#317
Laura, you know this.

#318
-I need another hint. -I told you this guy's life story

#319
that night we had dinner.

#320
I took you to Chartreuse.

#321
It was the same dinner that you said you don't like any PDA.

#322
I tried to give you those little kisses, and you said no PDA. Remember?

#323
I criticized you for being addicted to your phone,

#324
and tried to make it up to you by buying you the entire dessert menu.

#325
And she didn't even take a bite.

#326
-Time. -Come on, guys!

#327
We didn't get one.

#328
Because they're supposed to be celebrities everyone knows.

#329
Oh, you mean like household names like Roy Donk,

#330
or Jack Marshall who wrote The Munsters' theme song?

#331
Roy Donk?

#332
Okay, sweetie, I think you're just hungry.

#333
-Eat some of your Arizona walnuts. -That's a good idea.

#334
Where be your nutcracker?

#335
Uh, I mean, I think we have one in our Christmas stuff in the attic.

#336
Oh, great. Well, that'll only take you a sec.

#337
Okay.

#338
-Yeah, I guess I'll go get that. -Thanks.

#339
[groans]

#340
-All right, Team One, let's go. -Okay.

#341
He's Iron Man.

#342
-Robert Downey Jr. -[woman] Yes. Okay...

#343
Oh, I think this one's Howie's.

#344
Yeah, I don't know what to do.

#345
Just do Charades.

#346
Ooh!

#347
Oh, I wish I could hear what she's playing, man. She's off the map.

#348
Time.

#349
-What was it? -Tiny "Boop Squig" Shorterly.

#350
I mean, come on, is that even a celebrity?

#351
He's no Roy Donk, but he was a regular guest on The Colgate Hour.

#352
What's The Colgate Hour?

#353
Excuse me!

#354
-Oh, my God. -What? I said, "Excuse me."

#355
All right? We all do it.

#356
Let's not make a big deal about it. It's embarrassing.

#357
-Here's your nutcracker, Howie. -Oh, thanks, but I changed my mind.

#358
Listen, I saw you had some gazpacho soup in your fridge.

#359
Can I have some gazpacho soup?

#360
[wearily] Yes, you can have some gazpacho soup.

#361
[Howie] All right, let's get back into it.

#362
[groans] Okay.

#363
It's my turn. My turn. Okay, let's see.

#364
Well, he was a frequent guest on The Colgate Comedy Hour.

#365
The radio program. Come on.

#366
-I don't know what The Colgate Hour is. -Okay, pass. Okay.

#367
I don't know if this will help you,

#368
but he was also a frequent guest on The Colgate Comedy Hour.

#369
He did panels with Paul Julian,

#370
the guy who did the voice of the Road Runner. "Beep-beep."

#371
Don't you remember how we listened to his whole album

#372
that one night I told you you'd never be a good writer

#373
-'cause you don't have a curious mind? -Time.

#374
-Damn it. -Who was it?

#375
Paul Bufano. Paul Bufano, how hard is that?

#376
Paul Bufano! Come on.

#377
Jeez! You don't remember that night

#378
we listened to the whole album Cafeteria Jangle?

#379
It's the night you gave me that Fitbit

#380
and I said I would get wrist cancer from it.

#381
You said, "It's the cigars you smoke that's gonna give you cancer.

#382
It's the T-bone steaks you eat that are gonna give you cancer."

#383
You don't remember that?

#384
[woman] Just have some gazpacho, Howie.

#385
[Howie] Oh, my gazpacho soup is here.

#386
[exclaims]

#387
-This gazpacho soup just burned my lips. -The gazpacho?

#388
Yeah, it's been sitting out. It warmed up.

#389
It warmed up so much that it burned your lip?

#390
Let me explain something to you. If you're expecting something ice cold,

#391
and you bring it up to your lips and it's room temp,

#392
it's going to feel like your mouth's on fire.

#393
It's gonna feel like your body's on fire.

#394
-No way, man -[Howie] You know what? I'm bored.

#395
This party's officially boring. I'm bored,

#396
and you people are very rude. Listen, let's get out of here.

#397
All right? My buddy Ray, his parents are out of town.

#398
He's gonna let us use his basement for "if you know what I mean."

#399
You guys really embarrassed me in front of Howie.

#400
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson]

#401
♪ There's a flame, a flame ♪

#402
♪ A big flame in my heart ♪

#403
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

#404
♪ And believe me when I say It's burning hot ♪

#405
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

#406
♪ It's burning for you ♪

#407
♪ Even though we are through ♪

#408
♪ This big flame boy is gonna Break my heart in two ♪ on]

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