Home » I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson » S01E04 — Oh Crap, A Bunch More Bad Stuff Just Happened

I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson

Season 1, Episode 4 — Oh Crap, A Bunch More Bad Stuff Just Happened

#1
[yelling aggressively]

#2
[stirring music]

#3
Oh, crap.

#4
There's only one man who can save us now.

#5
I better get to him before it's too late!

#7
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

#8
[woman] Ladies and gentlemen,

#9
the president of the Marjorie Caldwell Society of Arts and Music,

#10
John Ballgram.

#11
Good evening.

#12
Tonight, we honor the life and the music of Mr. Herbie Hancock,

#13
and if we're lucky,

#14
we might even get him to come up here and play a little music for us.

#15
But first, I do want to say, just for anyone who's concerned...

#16
I don't think the dog that bit me should get put down.

#17
I know that's protocol when a person falls

#18
and a dog bites them, the dog gets put down...

#19
but I don't think the dog should get put down,

#20
because I know that's a service dog.

#21
Otherwise, why would it be allowed in here,

#22
and why would it be wearing that little blue shirt?

#23
Okay, I just wanted to say that

#24
so it didn't cloud the rest of the evening.

#25
[audience member coughing]

#26
The year is 1957,

#27
on the mean streets of Chicago.

#28
-My dog didn't bite you. -[murmuring]

#29
What?

#30
-My dog didn't try to bite you. -It didn't what?

#31
He was trying to hump your head.

#32
[laughter]

#33
[Ballgram] It tried to bite me.

#34
-It tried to bite the back of my hair off. -It was humping you, dude.

#35
[laughter]

#36
Uh...

#37
Okay, Herbie can play.

#38
Herbie can compose.

#39
Herbie sees music in a...

#40
I'm sorry.

#41
I'm sorry, but, uh...

#42
What do you even have?

#43
-What? -What do you even have

#44
that you have a service dog that's allowed in here?

#45
-That's really none of your business. -That would be true

#46
if your dog didn't try to bite the back of my hair off.

#47
-You know what happened. -I don't.

#48
And it's too bad we can't figure it out 'cause nobody has video or anything.

#49
I took a video.

#50
[murmuring]

#51
Oh... fine.

#52
-There's no way to watch it. -Tech guy can plug it in right there.

#53
[man] Yeah!

#54
Thanks, Herbie.

#55
[applause]

#57
Okay, here I am. Here I am.

#59
-There I trip a little on the stair. -[laughter]

#60
And here comes a dog trying to bite me.

#61
[laughter]

#62
It's... It's trying to bite me!

#63
It's trying to rip my hair out. What are you laughing at?

#64
Oh, my God!

#65
Are you saying that your dog has blue balls now?

#66
You said it humped me.

#68
-[audience groans in disgust] -It's dry.

#69
And you know what?

#70
You don't tape people.

#71
What is this society, that we tape everything?

#72
What's going on? Do we not live in the moment anymore?

#73
We just tape everything from a phone?

#74
I don't like that.

#75
You know, that's what Herbie's music is against.

#76
I don't know, man, I think the dog humped you.

#77
[laughter]

#78
That's why I love Herbie Hancock.

#79
He loves to lie.

#82
We now return to the Channel 20 Christmas classic,

#83
The Night Scrooge Saved Christmas.

#84
[hopeful music playing]

#85
[music reaches a crescendo]

#86
Oh!

#87
It's Christmas!

#88
-Scrooge! -[stirring music playing]

#89
Who are you?

#90
I am the Ghost of Christmas Way Future.

#91
I've already met the Ghost of Christmas Future.

#92
I said Way Future, Scrooge!

#93
-What are you here to show me? -Christmas in the year 3050.

#94
Skeletrex and his Bone Brigade have enslaved the human race,

#95
and we need your help.

#96
What are you talking about?

#97
Bonies are slaughtering humans by the millions,

#98
taking their bones and using them to make more bone soldiers,

#99
and, more important, fleets of bone cars.

#100
-What--? -Frigging Bonies!

#101
But I've got a plan.

#102
We've got to kill Skeletrex.

#103
He's huge!

#104
He's 15 feet tall and he has bones the size of tree trunks.

#105
-What-- -Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.

#106
He carries a club made of lava.

#107
-Damn you, Skeletrex! -[gun fires]

#108
Oh, crap!

#109
One of the Bonies made it through the Christmas portal.

#110
Quick, Scrooge, bash him with your cane!

#111
[skeleton screaming]

#112
That's it, Scrooge.

#113
Now, go ahead and eat that goop, Scrooge.

#116
Don't let it lay an egg!

#117
[Scrooge] I don't know what to do!

#118
Use your Christmas cheer and bash its fricking brains out, you idiot!

#119
-[soldier laughs] -[bone larva moans]

#120
Yeah, bash that bone larva!

#121
Attaboy! That's good bone-crushing.

#122
[hopeful music playing]

#123
I think I'm beginning to get the hang of this.

#124
Scrooge, you cheap bastard, you're a genius at this.

#126
The Bone Brigade is doing a bunch more bad stuff.

#127
We're gonna have to go to the future.

#128
Crap dang it, this sucks!

#130
♪ Whoa, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

#131
So do you like it out here?

#132
You know, coming from the Midwest, I was unsure

#133
-whether I'd like California or not. -Yeah.

#134
But I got to say, I love it.

#135
You know? The weather, obviously. -[woman] Mm-hm.

#136
[man] It doesn't get any better.

#137
And you think I'd miss the seasons...

#138
[woman] Mm-hm.

#139
But you know what? Sometimes I do,

#140
but most of the time, I don't.

#141
[chuckles]

#142
-You excuse me for a second? -Mm-hm.

#143
Can I talk to you for a second?

#144
How can I help you?

#145
My date's eating all the fully loaded nachos.

#147
the ones that are fully loaded, she's hogging them,

#148
so I'm mostly getting just, like, just chips.

#149
Like mostly just chips,

#150
like nothing on 'em,

#151
but, like, a little bit of cheese and maybe one little nugget of meat.

#152
-Okay. -Can you say something to her?

#153
-Say what? -Maybe go up to the table

#155
Or like, "Hey, that's not allowed."

#157
No, just say the restaurant has a rule.

#158
It's not you, it's a rule the restaurant has

#159
that if you get an item to share, you can't...

#160
One person can't just eat all the fully loaded ones.

#161
Like, don't look around, find the one with most meat,

#162
-and always eat that one. -Can't you just ask her to share with you?

#163
Can't you just say the restaurant has a rule?

#164
I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm like,

#165
"Play your hits. Like, don't play the new stuff."

#166
Yeah, I totally agree.

#167
You go to a concert, and you want to hear the songs you love.

#168
Right, exactly, like--

#169
-Give me the good-time rock 'n' roll. -I want to sing along!

#170
[man] Totally!

#171
[both laughing]

#172
This is really fun.

#173
-This is so fun. -I'm glad we did this.

#174
Are you enjoying everything?

#175
-Yeah, everything's great. -[man] Yeah.

#176
Uh... Okay.

#177
Because we have a rule here that if you order nachos to share...

#178
uh, one person can't just eat all the fully loaded nachos.

#179
What's that? Say that again?

#180
We have a rule that basically says

#181
if two people order nachos to share...

#182
one person can't take the ones with meat and stuff.

#183
What? I've never heard anything like that before.

#184
That is... so weird.

#185
But I guess if that's a rule, thanks.

#186
-Okay. -Hang on a second.

#187
Did you ask him to come over here and say that?

#188
What?

#189
Did you ask him to say that?

#190
[tense music playing]

#191
What the hell are you talking about?

#192
You got up,

#193
you talked to him for a long time,

#194
and then the minute you sit down, he comes over

#195
and says that the restaurant has this rule.

#196
No restaurant has a rule about who gets to eat what.

#197
What?

#198
[in emotional voice] I went up there

#199
to ask if we could switch tables.

#200
There's an air conditioner above this table,

#201
and I was worried you were gonna get cold.

#202
There's no vent above us.

#203
What?

#204
Did he ask you to come over and say that about the nachos?

#205
-He did. -What?

#206
I went up there to complain about the rule.

#207
You just learned the rule!

#208
-What? -He just came over here...

#209
-Who? -Him!

#210
What is going on?

#211
We'll take the check.

#212
We're gonna be so early for that movie.

#213
I'm not going to the movie.

#214
[in high-pitched voice] What?

#215
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

#216
[upbeat music playing on radio]

#217
[mouths]

#218
[car horn honking continuously]

#219
[frenzied driver] That's me!

#220
Me! That's me! Me!

#221
-[continuous horn honking] -[tires screech]

#222
Me?

#223
Go around.

#224
[continuous horn honking]

#225
Just go around. I...

#226
-[driver panting] -[continuous horn honking]

#227
The third phase, we hit up Instagram and--

#228
[distant car horn honking]

#229
Uh...

#230
-Um, the third phase, we-- -[distant car horn honking]

#231
[continuous horn honking]

#232
Sorry.

#233
-[continuous horn honking] -[menacing music playing]

#234
[snarling]

#235
-[dog barking] -[continuous horn honking]

#236
[frenzied driver] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

#237
-My stomach hurts! -[continuous horn honking]

#238
Help me, please!

#239
[birds chirping]

#240
[exhales]

#241
[man] As painful and sad as today is...

#242
let us not forget that it's also a celebration of life.

#243
The life in this world...

#244
and the life in our next world, in the ever after.

#245
[car horn honking]

#246
The deceased taught us all a lot about life.

#247
-[priest's speech drowned out by honking] -Hey! Hey!

#248
[priest's speech drowned out by honking]

#249
[continuous car horn honking]

#250
Oh, shit! Shit!

#251
Shit! Shit!

#252
Shit! Shit! No! No!

#253
What the hell are you doing, man? Stop honking.

#254
But I'm horny!

#255
-What are you talking about? -I'm talking about

#256
your "honk if you're horny" bumper sticker!

#257
Can you help me out or not?

#258
-How would I help you out? -I don't know! Do you have a solution,

#259
like some magazines, or a calendar, or something?

#260
-Why would I have that? -What?!

#261
I thought that you worked for a service or a company

#262
that helped out guys that are so horny

#263
that their stomachs hurt!

#264
'Cause that's what I am!

#265
There's no service that does that!

#266
[yelling in agony]

#267
Stop moving around!

#268
Why do you have that sticker on your car? What did you think was gonna happen?

#269
I don't know why I got the fucking sticker, man!

#270
I grew up in a small town.

#271
-Things were hard. -[pensive music playing]

#272
We needed to make little jokes.

#273
I learned to make my car a little funny.

#274
I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message,

#275
like I was some sort of representative or something.

#276
-So you don't have pornos and calendars? -No.

#277
Then you need to take that sticker off your car.

#278
Don't you dare! Don't you fucking touch it!

#279
Stay away from my car! It's a classic!

#280
-Do not touch me! -Don't touch my ride!

#281
-Ohhh! -Shit!

#282
-[driver] What do we got here? -Shut the fuck up!

#283
-You had pornos this whole time? -Shut the fuck up. Just pick one and go.

#284
I got to go over there and sing a song.

#285
Come on, hurry up!

#286
I've seen a lot of these!

#287
-Just take-- -Thank you so much.

#288
Seriously, this is honestly like--

#289
-I'm sorry. -I just... I am sorry.

#290
[inspirational music playing]

#291
And now to sing a song, the son of the deceased.

#292
♪ Friday night ♪

#293
♪ I'm thinking that we just might ♪

#294
♪ Fly away to someplace they don't know ♪

#295
♪ Who we are ♪

#296
♪ Now I'm riding shotgun in your car ♪

#297
♪ We drive through the city Like explorers going 65 ♪

#298
♪ Blowing hair flying across your face ♪

#299
♪ We left on Friday, now it's Saturday ♪

#300
♪ Pressed jeans buttoned up Jeans ironed slipping up ♪

#301
♪ Rad shoes walking slow Headphones blaring 3-stacks ♪

#302
♪ Sunglasses flaring out Dick watch hanging low ♪

#303
♪ Studded belt, pole cut Three-stacks on the radio ♪

#304
♪ Friday night ♪

#305
♪ I'm thinking that we just might ♪

#306
♪ Run away to someplace we ♪

#307
♪ We can be who we are ♪

#308
♪ We can be who we are ♪

#309
I love you, Mom.

#310
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

#311
♪ There's a flame, a flame ♪

#312
♪ A big flame in my heart ♪

#313
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

#314
♪ And believe me when I say It's burning hot ♪

#315
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

#316
♪ It's burning for you ♪

#317
♪ Even though we are through ♪

#318
♪ This big flame boy Is gonna break my heart in two ♪ playing]

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