Home » I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson » S01E01 — Has This Ever Happened To You

I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson

Season 1, Episode 1 — Has This Ever Happened To You

#1
Obviously, I'd love to work for you,

#2
and I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me.

#3
I... I feel good about it. I hope I didn't do too much talking.

#4
No, you were great.

#5
You were great. [giggles]

#6
-I hope to hear from you soon. -We'll be in touch.

#7
Really nice meeting you.

#8
Nice to meet you as well.

#9
Okay.

#10
[door clicks]

#11
Oh!

#12
Looks like you push.

#13
Oh, it does both.

#14
-What? -It does both.

#15
I was here yesterday, and it actually goes both ways.

#16
Oh, okay.

#17
Okay, see you.

#18
[menacing music playing]

#19
[creaking]

#20
[creaking]

#21
[grinding]

#22
[creaking continuing]

#23
[loud creaking]

#24
[climactic music building]

#25
[man] See?

#26
Hope to hear from you soon.

#27
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

#28
Have you been the victim of unfair treatment by a business or a corporation?

#29
Has this ever happened to you?

#30
You bought a house, it was not disclosed to you

#31
that there was a termite infestation in the walls and in the moldings,

#32
so you have to take it upon yourself

#33
to call your own termite extermination company,

#34
but when the guys show up,

#35
they immediately ask if they can use your bathroom,

#36
then for over two hours, they take turns going in and out of there,

#37
taking huge mud pies and over-flushing?

#38
Then they go in there together,

#39
and you hear a bunch of scrounging around,

#40
and then you hear a bunch of yelling,

#41
and one of them is standing in the bathroom doorway shouting at you

#42
that his friend's foot's stuck in the toilet,

#43
and he says, "Help him! You got to help him!"

#44
And when you go in there to help him,

#45
he just pulls it out easily and laughs 'cause his foot wasn't stuck.

#46
It wasn't stuck at all, he was just faking it.

#47
And then they get really serious and say, "It's Turbo time!"

#48
And they both start running around the house as fast as they can

#49
and jumping over the couches.

#50
But when you try and jump in, they yell at you and they say,

#51
"You're not part of the Turbo Team! Don't run!

#52
You don't run with us! We're the ones who run!

#53
Until you're part of this Turbo Team,

#54
walk... slowly!"

#55
So you go and lay down to be by yourself and read your art books,

#56
but then the next day, you went into the bathroom,

#57
and it looked like the hole in your toilet had shrunk.

#58
"How could that be? There's no way they could have shrunk the toilet."

#59
But then you saw in the trash

#60
a receipt from Home Depot

#61
for a toilet the exact same size as yours,

#62
but with a joke hole that's just for farts!

#63
They replaced your real toilet with a fart toilet,

#64
and now you can't take a dump in your house

#65
'cause your toilet can't suck 'em down,

#66
and you feel sick to your stomach!

#67
Has that ever happened to you?!

#68
Call me right now, please.

#69
["Blending Soul" by Soul Blenders playing]

#70
[applause]

#71
[crooning] ♪ Who will be the Baby of the Year? ♪

#72
♪ Look at their rolls ♪

#73
♪ Look at their folds ♪

#74
♪ Look at their rummy, bummy tummies ♪

#75
♪ Heads are round Bellies are squishy ♪

#76
[in hard rock style] ♪ Look at their toes ♪

#77
♪ Like so many curled canned shrimp ♪

#78
[crooning] ♪ Are they ticklish? ♪

#79
♪ Are they jigglish? ♪

#80
♪ Can they be tricked? Can they be chucked? ♪

#81
♪ Which ones will move? ♪

#82
♪ Which ones will talk? ♪

#83
♪ But more important Which ones can dance? ♪

#84
♪ Oh, who will be Baby of the Year? ♪

#85
[cheering and applause]

#86
[host] Thank you.

#87
Welcome back.

#88
It's been a grueling three months,

#89
but we've narrowed it down

#90
-to three chubby little babies. -[applause]

#91
From Salisbury, North Carolina, Michael Patrick Porkins.

#92
[cheering and applause]

#93
From Luverne, North Dakota,

#94
little Taffy Lee Fubbins.

#95
[applause]

#96
And the bad boy of the competition, Bart Harley Jarvis.

#97
-[hard rock music playing] -[audience booing]

#98
Fuck you, Harley Jarvis!

#99
-[booing] -Fuck you, Harley Jarvis!

#100
Get her out! Goddamn it!

#101
[clears throat]

#102
Judges, do you need any more information to help with your decision?

#103
I have firmly made up my mind.

#104
I would like more information.

#105
-I'm a wreck right now. -I understand.

#106
This is a hard decision.

#107
Let's hear once again from the babies' pediatrician.

#108
[applause]

#109
[clears throat]

#110
Baby Porkins is 99th percentile

#111
in weight and 10th percentile in height.

#112
[host chuckles]

#113
We got a certified chode on our hands.

#114
Little tuna can.

#115
Baby Fubbins is also 90th percentile in weight.

#116
Ooh! Another chode.

#117
Mr. Jarvis is one of the most aggressive babies I've ever met.

#118
-[audience booing] -He has a massive underbite

#119
and completely flat back of the head.

#120
I hope you fucking die, Harley Jarvis!

#121
Get... him... out of here!

#122
I'm honestly done. I don't want to read anymore.

#123
Yeah. Don't let it ruin your day, okay? You're still a great doctor.

#124
All right, judges, do you need more time?

#125
It's Porkins by a mile.

#126
-[applause] -The button nose, the apple cheeks...

#127
He's the best baby.

#128
If Taffy Lee Fubbins isn't the Best Baby of the Year,

#129
I'll kill myself on live TV.

#130
Stop saying that.

#131
All right, that... That's it.

#132
I have to get this off my chest.

#133
"Earlier today, when I was waiting to use the private bathroom,

#134
I witnessed Michael Patrick Porkins' father

#135
performing oral on the mystery judge of the competition."

#136
[audience clamoring]

#137
"I've been conflicted about whether to say anything,

#138
because I feel like Michael Patrick Porkins

#139
could win it even without the oral.

#140
His father didn't need to do the oral."

#141
And that is why this is so tough...

#142
for me to tell about the oral.

#143
Oh, man, that's a bummer.

#144
Might fuck this whole thing up.

#145
While the judges make their decision,

#146
let's watch our In Memoriam segment.

#147
Oh, no.

#148
Calm down, they're old ones. They don't stay babies forever, idiot.

#149
-[gentle acoustic music playing] -Fucking stupid asshole.

#150
Little Denny Doo Dinkins,

#151
92, respiratory failure.

#152
Shirley Cratsworth Shane,

#153
78, car crash.

#154
In Memoriams don't usually include how they died.

#155
Shut up.

#156
Little Jeffy Jeremy,

#157
96, throat slashed.

#158
God.

#159
-[glass shatters] -[woman screaming]

#160
Someone get her! She's trying to get Jarvis!

#161
All right, you know what? This is dumb. Dump it. Trash it. This one's garbage.

#162
Tiny Dinky Daffy,

#163
92, pancaked by drunk dump truck driver.

#164
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

#165
-[camera clicks] -Let me see it.

#166
-Oh, yeah, that's good. That's great. -Thank you.

#167
-Thank you. Is it cute? -Yeah, so cute.

#168
-Send it to me. -Me too.

#169
Yeah, okay. Sending now.

#170
Okay.

#171
Look what I just posted.

#172
"Brunch with these two dumdums."

#173
[woman 2] Oh, my gosh, so good.

#174
Is this good? I said, "Sunday funday with these idiots."

#175
-Yeah, that's good. That's great. So cute. -So cute.

#176
Okay, okay, so cute. Look what I just posted.

#177
"Eating crap with these sacks of shit.

#178
If they died tomorrow, no one would shed a tear."

#179
So cute?

#180
Wait, what the hell?

#181
Well, you called me a dumdum, and she called me an idiot, so...

#182
Yeah, when you post a pic of yourself where you look really cute,

#183
then you have to say something self-deprecating

#184
so it doesn't look like you're just bragging.

#185
Oh! Okay... got it.

#186
-Sorry. -Yeah.

#187
-[clears throat] All right, this is good. -Okay.

#188
"Slapping down some pig shit

#189
with these fat fucks, and I'm the fattest of them all.

#190
If I died tomorrow, no one would shed a tear.

#191
Load my fricking lard carcass into the mud.

#192
No coffin, please, just wet, wet mud...

#193
bae."

#194
Jesus, Brenda...

#195
-You called me a dumdum. -Right, it's like a term of endearment.

#196
Okay. All right. I got you.

#197
-Okay. -Okay.

#198
"Gulping down some pig dicks with these bags of meat.

#199
Sunday funday with these pig dicks.

#200
Hope nobody gulps us."

#201
So are we the pig dicks or the bags of meat?

#202
Let me try another.

#203
"Slurping down fish piss with these wet chodes.

#204
Total tuna cans. Put a bullet in their fucking brains

#205
and leave their wet bodies on the side of the road.

#206
Boo caught me sleeping."

#207
You're not sleeping.

#208
-Okay, let me try another one. -Okay.

#209
"Sitting here with two bona fide pieces of hog shit."

#210
-No. -[woman 2] Basically the same thing.

#211
"They're mad 'cause I won Best Hog at the hog shit snarfing contest,

#212
but I'm not mad, 'cause we're all loads of beef,

#213
sitting on the side of a highway

#214
getting our butts sucked by flies."

#215
-I tagged you both in that. -Why?

#216
Why are you guys bullying me?

#217
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

#218
♪ Whoa, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

#219
All right, I'm gonna...

#220
-Maybe I'll go for this. -That could be a good one.

#221
-Is this you? -Yeah.

#222
Oh, my... This is perfect.

#223
Babe, we were just talking about

#224
how we needed a new salt and pepper shaker set. Remember this?

#225
-Thank you. This is incredible. -[woman] I'm so glad you like it.

#226
There's a gift receipt in case you want to get something that's...

#227
Won't need it, 'cause this is perfect.

#228
-Thank you. -Happy birthday.

#229
[man] Thank you.

#230
That one's mine. I forgot to put my name on it.

#231
Cool, all right.

#232
-Cool. -[gift giver] Yeah, it's a wreath.

#233
The guy at the store said he has the same one.

#234
He said it works great.

#235
-Thank you so much, Lev. -Yeah, there's a gift receipt in there

#236
if you want to exchange it for something that's more you.

#237
Okay, cool. Thanks.

#238
But you like it?

#239
I like it, Lev.

#240
Great.

#241
Then give me back the receipt.

#242
What?

#243
Prove it.

#244
You said you like it.

#245
Give me back the gift receipt.

#246
You don't need it anymore.

#247
-Lev, he likes the gift. -Then he doesn't need the gift receipt.

#248
I'm just gonna put all this stuff together

#249
in the same pile over here, if that's cool?

#250
Okay.

#251
Ooh! I think I know who this is from.

#252
If you love it as much as you say you do,

#253
and as much as you have been saying...

#254
then it shouldn't be a problem if I take the receipt back.

#255
Okay.

#256
Yeah.

#257
Here you go.

#258
Jesus.

#259
-Glad you like it. Happy birthday. -Thanks.

#260
Um, let... Let me open... Who...?

#261
-Oh, that one's ours. -All right.

#262
[laughs]

#263
Are you serious? Firefighter pugs?

#264
Honey, we got to put this up on our fridge.

#265
This is incredible!

#266
-We just thought it was cute. -And you'd be fine if I ate it?

#267
-Huh? -The gift receipt.

#268
You'd be fine if I ate it?

#269
Why would you eat it?

#270
You said you liked the gift.

#271
So you wouldn't have any qualms

#272
if I ate the gift receipt and it didn't exist anymore.

#273
Right, Rick? Right, Melissa?

#274
Uh... I don't have any qualms.

#275
You can eat it if you like.

#276
Awesome.

#277
Down the hatch, bon appétit.

#278
[Melissa] Should we open another gift?

#279
Ye... Yes.

#280
[chuckles] Yes.

#281
Uh, okay, how about this one?

#282
I think I know what's in this one.

#283
Oh, whoa!

#284
Hey! I just heard an interview of this guy!

#285
This is so interesting. Thank you.

#286
[Lev] I hate to do this,

#287
but I'm afraid our gracious host didn't wipe properly.

#288
What are you talking about?

#289
When you went to the bathroom earlier to do the mud pie...

#290
you must have used

#291
too small of a slice of toilet paper when you wiped,

#292
and you got mud pie on your hands,

#293
and then you touched the receipt,

#294
and then I ate the receipt,

#295
-and now I'm sick off of your mud pie. -What the hell are you talking about?

#296
You're probably sick 'cause you ate paper, you fricking psycho.

#297
No, I eat paper all the time!

#298
What I don't like to make a habit of doing

#299
is eating mud pie!

#300
Why do you even eat paper?! That doesn't even make sense!

#301
Okay, you guys, calm down! This is insane!

#302
There's a simple solution to this.

#303
Jacob hasn't touched my gift receipt because he likes my gift.

#304
So we just have someone else eat my gift receipt

#305
-and see if they get sick. -But it can't be Jacob,

#306
'cause he's gonna pretend he's not sick even if it's caked in pure shit.

#307
[Melissa] I'll do it.

#308
I'll eat the receipt to solve the problem.

#309
And Jacob doesn't touch it!

#310
[woman] That's right. And if Melissa gets sick,

#311
then that means that paper makes you sick.

#312
But if Melissa doesn't get sick,

#313
then that means Lev ate the mud pie.

#314
There is no mud pies, okay?

#315
And I genuinely like the gifts.

#316
Swear to fucking God?

#317
Yes.

#318
Then let my wife eat the fucking receipt.

#319
[murmuring]

#320
Oka... Okay.

#321
I am now sanitizing my hands. I have not gone to the bathroom yet today.

#322
I took a shower last night after I took a piss and shit.

#323
Now... someone hand me the receipt.

#324
Jacob, don't you get anywhere near that!

#325
[Melissa inhales deeply]

#326
-[Rick] How you doing, honey? -[Melissa] I feel...

#327
fine.

#328
-[partygoers gasp] -Paper doesn't make you sick on its own.

#329
-He used too small a piece. -Lev's probably not even sick!

#330
-He's probably faking it! -You son of a bitch!

#331
[groans in pain]

#332
[Rick] Jacob was lying about the mud pie.

#333
And if he was lying about something as simple

#334
as grabbing too small a slice,

#335
that probably means he doesn't like the gift either.

#336
-Exactly! -But you liked my gift, right, Jacob?

#337
-Yes! -What about Rick and Melissa's?

#338
You piece of shit!

#339
-Rick! -Fuck!

#340
Somebody call 911.

#341
-Oh, my God. -Tell 'em to send an ambulance.

#342
Tell 'em it's...

#343
the ugly house on Kenmore.

#344
The one where you can see the KFC sign through their front window.

#345
♪ Happy birthday... ♪

#346
-[yelling] No! -♪ ...to you--♪

#347
-Don't let Jacob touch that! -[partygoers gasp]

#348
Everybody, let's get out of here.

#349
This place is covered head-to-toe in shit.

#350
[footsteps]

#351
[sighs]

#352
[Lev] All you had to do...

#353
was like the gift...

#354
and not have a big old mud pie on the bottom of your butt.

#355
It's not a big deal.

#356
You had a big mud pie, you had too small of a slice,

#357
then I ate the mud pie,

#358
now my stomach's absolutely fucked.

#359
[sighs]

#360
Shouldn't have had such a sloppy mud pie.

#361
Get off me, man.

#362
Fine!

#363
Nobody likes your house anyway.

#364
[melancholic instrumental music playing]

#365
You should know...

#366
your wife kissed me on the cheek when I got here.

#367
Now look at you...

#368
all alone.

#369
Everybody's going to party at my house.

#370
Happy birthday, Jacob.

#371
I just...

#372
I was just trying not to use a ton of paper towel.

#373
I just hope Lev's all right.

#374
Okay, you guys, I've got Lev in my car, so just follow us.

#375
Lev, what's your address?

#376
[screams]

#377
[instrumental music continuing] my car, so just follow us.

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