Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E01 — The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 1 — The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis

#1
[Dennis] Stop it. [Charlie] All right. You're getting hung up on "can't."

#2
And I'm not saying that you can't. I'm saying that it is illegal.

#3
No, it is not illegal! Dude.

#4
Says the guy who knows nothing about the law!

#5
I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro.

#6
It's no different than having a parrot, or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.

#7
You really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it.

#8
It's just that bird law in this country- it's not governed by reason.

#9
There is no such thing as bird law. Yes, there is!

#10
I'm gonna get a hummingbird, and I'll show you. You guys, I have huge news.

#11
Hummingbirds are illegal tender. I'm gonna get one.

#12
You cannot. To spite you, I'm gonna get one.

#13
Hello? Where are we with gulls?

#14
You guys! You can keep a gull as a pet.

#15
But you do not want to live with a seabird, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...

#16
Have you ever heard a gull up close? It's gonna blast your eardrums out, dude.

#17
You guys, I'm serious! I have huge news here!

#18
The principle is that you can have any bird that- Yo!

#19
I got great news, guys. Frank's got news?

#20
Frank's got news? [Chanting] News, news, news, news!

#21
News, news, news, news, news, news, news, news!

#22
I just bought a house at a foreclosure auction.

#23
Holy shit! That's amazing.

#24
Oh, is it? Is it "amazing"?

#25
- Now hang on. You're not moving out, are you? - No, no, no, no.

#26
I bought this as an investment. I bought it on the cheap.

#27
Ah, you might've missed the boat on that, Frank. Not the best time to invest.

#28
I beg to differ with you.

#29
Now is the time to invest because all the prices are low.

#30
As soon as the market turns around, I'm gonna make a boatload.

#31
Frank's talking about flipping the house. Flip the house!

#32
Making some money! That's exciting.

#33
I'm having a baby!

#34
Do yourself a favor and flush it out.

#35
No. That's not- "Flush it out"?

#36
No. I'm not pregnant. I...

#37
I answered an ad for a couple who wants a surrogate.

#38
See, people who can't have kids are willing to pay a shitload of money to people like myself,

#39
who can carry it for them.

#40
Wait. What's going on? You're carrying someone's baby somewhere?

#41
H-Hold it. I am not spending money on another little bastard.

#42
- I did that already, twice. - Come on.

#43
No. They're keeping the baby. It's their baby. How are you guys not understanding this?

#44
Uh, Dee, before you continue this babbling,

#45
does your thing involve us in any way,

#46
or are you just kind of- at us?

#47
Well, no. It's just that's huge news, so I figured you guys might want to know.

#48
It doesn't matter. Let's just talk about the house! Let's talk about the house!

#49
Hold on one second. Actually, Dee being pregnant is pretty big news.

#50
Now, we could take the house idea and the baby idea and merge the two things.

#51
It just feels muddy though. Let's just stick with one. It's cleaner, right?

#52
- It could be an interesting- - House.

#53
But I'm just saying that if- House.

#54
I don't know exactly how we would take the two ideas and put them together.

#55
House! But I think if we came up with something...

#56
[Chanting] House! House! House!

#57
Just the house thing? House! House! House! House!

#58
House, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house!

#59
Flush, flush, flush!

#60
Deandra? Thank you so much for responding to our ad in the paper.

#61
You're welcome. We've had so many letdowns going through the agency.

#62
Yeah. We thought we'd just try to find a surrogate by ourselves.

#63
I just feel really honored to be able to provide a service for a lovely couple like yourselves.

#64
Good. Thank you. Yeah.

#65
We just had a couple questions we'd like to ask you. Shoot.

#66
Honey, why don't you- Okay. So- Sorry.

#67
But do you have any history with drugs or alcohol?

#68
Never. Neither. That's great.

#69
Um, any- any family history of mental illness?

#70
Uh, well, my brother's a dick, if that counts.

#71
I don't- I don't think so.

#72
It's just a joke though, Sean. So, the next one?

#73
And- And- Okay. So what about your medical history?

#74
Is there any health problems we should know about?

#75
Kate, I'm gonna be honest with you.

#76
I have never had a health problem in my entire life.

#77
Wow.

#78
Clean as a whistle. That's amazing.

#79
- Down here, up here, wherever. - This is all great news. I mean...

#80
Isn't it? Yes, it really is.

#81
Okay, great. So let's talk turkey. And by that, I mean money.

#82
Oh. We just thought we'd pay the standard rate of $20,000.

#83
20,000. Okay. Yeah.

#84
I like the sound of that. I'm gonna throw something at you guys, so brace yourselves.

#85
What are your thoughts on doubling down, so to speak,

#86
and going for twins?

#87
[Chuckles] Right?

#88
No. No.

#89
If it's a matter of price, I'm willing to cut you a deal on the second one.

#90
And we don't have to stop at two.

#91
I've typed up a price sheet I would like the two of you to peruse.

#92
If you'll look down around number four or five,

#93
that's when you really start to see some savings.

#94
You guys want to go for an Octomom thing? Huh? I'm game.

#95
You want to have 10? You want to outdo that bitch?

#96
I'll have that conversation. I'm kidding.

#97
I don't want 10 people inside of me.

#98
But- This is great.

#99
I-I just- I think we're really just gonna do the one,

#100
I think is- is what we want.

#101
One baby.

#102
Look for shit on the walls, 'cause that's what they do.

#103
When they know they're getting thrown out of a house, they smear feces all over the walls.

#104
Really? Yes.

#105
They didn't do that here. This is a pretty nice house. A little lived in maybe.

#106
Well, you know, I found something cooking on the stove. That's pretty "unresponsible."

#107
Mac and cheese. I can't believe they left all this stuff in the house.

#108
I mean, what's the deal? Do we have to burn it?

#109
- Hey, get the hell out of our house! - Jesus. There's people here!

#110
- Squatters! - We're not squatters! This is our house!

#111
What do you mean your house? I bought this house! We own this house!

#112
You didn't buy it from us! You bought it from the bank. We didn't sell it.

#113
Oh, look, bitch! We bought it from them because they foreclosed on your bitch ass!

#114
Yeah, yeah. You got proof? Proof? What are you talking about, proof?

#115
A deed, paperwork. Go get your proof. Proof.

#116
Bring it back here. We'll look at the paperwork. Is that what you want?

#117
You want proof? I'll give you proof! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

#118
Frank, take it easy, bud. Take it- You gotta use your head now.

#119
Think about the law. All right?

#120
What happens if you accidentally hit a child with an umbrella?

#121
In the eyes of the law, that is child abuse. What happens then?

#122
In the eyes of the law, you have to give your properties to the parents of that child.

#123
I'm sorry, little kid. He doesn't know the law that well.

#124
I don't even know what the hell he's talking about. It doesn't matter.

#125
We shouldn't bash these people up. No. No!

#126
Of course we shouldn't bash these people up! Look- Okay.

#127
Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here.

#128
Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her.

#129
We could tie the kids up in their rooms so they wouldn't hear any of it.

#130
Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they would've seen our faces.

#131
Right. We could smear the walls with their blood.

#132
Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here.

#133
But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.

#134
Right. Why get weird?

#135
Let's just keep it simple. For now, we take the high road.

#136
We'll take the high road. Take the high road out of here.

#137
Oh, well, I'm so glad we're gonna get to work with you, Deandra.

#138
Oh, Kate, Sean, I tell you what. You guys are getting one hell of a uterus.

#139
Great. Okay. Well, listen. It was really nice to meet you.

#140
Wow! This house really opens up here, doesn't it?

#141
Uh- From the curb, it doesn't really look like much.

#142
But once you get inside, it's got a real ass on it.

#143
Well, thank you. It's always felt a little empty without a family.

#144
Oh, shit! Is that a pool?

#145
Uh, yeah. Of course, when the baby comes, we'll have a fence around it.

#146
Right, right, right. How deep?

#147
The pool? Yeah, the pool!

#148
- Uh, eight feet. - Oh, man.

#149
You guys jackknife off this diving board all the time or what?

#150
Oh, I used to be so good at those. You mind if I get in?

#151
Um- Yeah, we- we have a lot of stuff to do today.

#152
So- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

#153
No, errands are very important, but really, the most important thing right now...

#154
is for me to stay relaxed, if you don't want my tubes to get all tensed up.

#155
So, you want to go grab a swimsuit for me to borrow,

#156
or should I just jump in in my birthday gear?

#157
No. Don't do that. We'll- Honey, do we have a suit that she can borrow?

#158
Sure. I'll go get you that suit.

#159
[Sean] Okay. Good girl.

#160
All right, Charlie. We are gonna be gentlemen. Yup.

#161
We have the law on our side. We just show them the deed. Mm-hmm.

#162
And then they vacate the premises. Mm-hmm.

#163
And that's it. No reason to be animals about it. And they changed the locks.

#164
Yes, they did. You were right, Frank! They changed the locks, bud.

#165
I'm telling you, these people, they're uncivilized deadbeats.

#166
Let's smash the door down. All right, ready? Here we go.

#167
[Together] And a-one, and a-two, and a-three...

#168
[Shouting]

#169
- [Groans] - [Charlie] Oh, that- that was a bummer.

#170
Man. I gotta admit, that's, uh...

#171
That felt very unsatisfying to me.

#172
- [Frank] Yeah, I didn't like that. - Should you guys, um...

#173
No. Try smashing it from the inside?

#174
- Let's just give it another shot. And- - [Charlie] Oh!

#175
- [Charlie] Give it another one. - Kick it.

#176
- Nice, dude! - My door!

#177
My door, deadbeat! My door!

#178
And what's this shyster lawyer doing here?

#179
Well, it is just so nice to see you again, Mr. Reynolds.

#180
I see that you're still just... horrible.

#181
Yes, you're horrible too. And I hate your tie. Hey. All right.

#182
You know what? This family behind me- Yeah.

#183
Has 90 days to vacate. Deadbeats.

#184
Until then, you can't touch them. That's bull bird, man.

#185
What do you got there? Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bull bird.

#186
I'll tell you that right now. He's making a few good points.

#187
Look, buddy. Crap.

#188
I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings.

#189
I'm well educated, well versed.

#190
I know that situations like this, real-estate wise, they're very complex.

#191
Actually, they're pretty simple.

#192
The forms are all standard boilerplate.

#193
Okay. We're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hot plates soon enough.

#194
All right? Well, let's talk about the contract here...

#195
I'm sorry. I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?

#196
Uh, well, I could ask you that very same question. I went to Harvard.

#197
Ah. Mm-hmm. How 'bout you?

#198
Where? Yeah? Hmm? I'm pleading the Fifth, sir.

#199
I'd advise that you do that.

#200
I'll take that advice into cooperation. All right?

#201
Let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor.

#202
You know, I don't think I'm gonna do anything close to that,

#203
and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law.

#204
It seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.

#205
Okay. Well- Filibuster.

#206
Uh- Do you- Do you know what that word means?

#207
Yup! Yeah, what's that mean?

#208
[Sighs]

#209
- [Screams] - [Door Shattering]

#210
I-I'm gonna- We're gonna- [Groans]

#211
[Frank] No, no, no. Now I'm all churned up about this.

#212
I can't wait 90 days to get rid of those people.

#213
I mean, I gotta sell that house.

#214
Frank, don't be rash. It's just 90 days.

#215
No. In 90 days, there's gonna be shit all over those walls.

#216
[Scoffs] Those people are gonna trash that house.

#217
We won't be able to get a dime for it.

#218
I am calling a Realtor right now.

#219
Oh, wait, Frank. Hold on a second. [Phone Beeps]

#220
Maybe we could sell the house ourselves, you know? Save the five percent.

#221
What do Realtors do anyway? They pop on a blazer.

#222
They walk people through a house. We can do that.

#223
Mac, the real estate business is something that takes a lot of style and a lot of finesse,

#224
and that's something that the two of us both have in spades.

#225
Absolutely. I'm thinking we do like a classic good Realtor-bad Realtor dynamic.

#226
Oh, shit. I'm the good, you're the bad?

#227
You're the sweet to my sour. The honey to your vinegar?

#228
That's good, dude!

#229
- Honey and Vinegar Realty. - I like that.

#230
I like the Honey and Vinegar. I like what I'm hearing, boys.

#231
Okay! I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!

#232
What guy? That lawyer guy. Okay?

#233
He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.

#234
You want him to bang you? Uh...

#235
No, Mac. Be serious, okay?

#236
He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. All right?

#237
Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened. Take a look at this picture.

#238
- What do you see? - I see two trannies shooting at each other.

#239
No, dude. They're dueling, okay?

#240
These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.

#241
Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?

#242
'Cause it's an old book, okay?

#243
I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know!

#244
I'm trying to get satisfied from this dude, and you're trying to...

#245
I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

#246
- What are you doing, Deandra? - Collecting the money you bitches owe me.

#247
I'm going on maternity leave.

#248
What are you jabbering about now?

#249
I got a sweet setup going on as a surrogate for a couple of rich yuppies.

#250
They have a huge house, kick-ass pool.

#251
I'm living the high life. So suck on that, white stains.

#252
Oh, dude!

#253
I knew we should've done the baby thing. Now there's a pool involved?

#254
When was the last time you swam in a pool? I want to swim in the pool!

#255
- It's been like forever since I swam in a pool. - No, no! Now, let's focus here.

#256
We gotta sell this house.

#257
And then we can go swim in Deandra's pool.

#258
Hey, Vic. You got that other snack tray?

#259
I certainly do, Hugh. Certainly do. Okay, great.

#260
People are gonna be here any second. I want them to be well fed.

#261
The house looks nice. The house looks nice. It does look nice.

#262
Hey, hey, hey!

#263
You jerks aren't supposed to be here when my mom and dad are at work!

#264
Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's why they lost the house.

#265
They're probably at the dog track getting wasted. Dude, eat my boogers.

#266
You eat my boogers! Whoa, whoa! Hey, Vic, Vic. Whoa.

#267
Smell that vinegar boiling up inside you.

#268
But I need you to save some of it for the customer.

#269
Do that for me, okay, baby boy?

#270
What the hell's going on out here?

#271
- Frank, can you get these kids out of here? - Yeah. Come on.

#272
We're gonna go paint your room a color that's not stupid.

#273
Then we're gonna throw your toys in the trash!

#274
Listen, I need you on my team. You on my team?

#275
Yeah. I'm- I'm on your team. All right, great. Yeah?

#276
Yeah. I just- He gets me- That's good.

#277
[Knocking] Oh! Here we go.

#278
- Hi! How are ya? - How you doing? We're here to look at the house.

#279
Of course. Yeah, come on in. Hi. I'm Hugh Honey. How you doing?

#280
Good. This is my associate, Vic Vinegar. Hi. Tad.

#281
And we are here to show you this house.

#282
Okay. Oh! Good.

#283
Okay. [Chuckles] Come on in. Great.

#284
Hi. Okay.

#285
Good. All right. This is the living room. Okay! Wonderful.

#286
Now, what do you folks think? It's a beautiful house, right?

#287
Well, you know, I'm thinking this might be a bit large for what we need.

#288
- Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. Is this house too big for you? - Now, Vic.

#289
Just a second, Hugh. Why don't you ask your wife what she needs, pal?

#290
Oh, I'm sorry. Is she used to something smaller, and you don't think she can handle it?

#291
Okay, I think we're gonna get going. It's okay, you guys. I'm here.

#292
I want this to be a good experience for you. Okay? I'll tell you what, buddy.

#293
How 'bout I take your wife upstairs and show her what it's like...

#294
to be deep inside a really big house?

#295
What? What?

#296
What?

#297
Uh, you'll have to excuse my associate.

#298
It's just his passion for quality real estate that makes him so intense.

#299
Now, what can we do to put you in this house?

#300
I think we're just gonna go now. Yeah.

#301
Are you gonna buy the house? [Woman] We're gonna go.

#302
Are you going to buy this house? We don't want any trouble.

#303
Are you going to buy this house? I don't know! I don't know!

#304
Are you going to buy this house? Yes! Yes!

#305
"Yes" what? Yes, I will buy this house!

#306
That's it. There we go. That's all I wanted to hear. Congratulations, folks.

#307
You just bought a brand-new house.

#308
Can we go? Yeah!

#309
Go, honey. Go. Congratulations.

#310
I'm going! Just go!

#311
All right. We'll be in touch. Oh! That was amazing, bro!

#312
You think that's gonna work? Bro, it already did work. You heard the skirt.

#313
She said, "Yes, I will buy this house." That is a binding verbal contract.

#314
Now, I heard it. You heard it. And that pussy husband of hers heard it too.

#315
If they back out now, I will find them, I will strangle them, I will beat them into oblivion!

#316
Wow! Wow! I'm full of the vinegar.

#317
- Oh. Yeah! - Hey. How'd it go?

#318
Sold it! Sold the house.

#319
Sold it? Fantastic!

#320
Let's get another house, flip it over, make some cash.

#321
It's not really the cash that I care about anymore.

#322
It's the thrill of the sale that I'm responding to.

#323
- You're driven by the thrill of the sale. - You know what I'm thinking?

#324
Maybe it's time to merge the two ideas after all.

#325
- Baby in the house? - Baby in the house.

#326
[Chuckling] Honey and Vinegar?

#327
Okay. Jesus Christ. All right. I'll get on it.

#328
Mmm.

#329
Well, well, well, well, well!

#330
If it isn't the big-time, hotshot lawyer man.

#331
Oh, my God. I do not have time for you.

#332
Yeah, so we both have busy schedules, so I'll make this quick.

#333
I shan't mince words with you for long.

#334
I am challenging you, sir, to a duel.

#335
- I accept. - Uh...

#336
[Pen Tapping On Desk] [Chuckles] Are you serious?

#337
Yeah. I accept your challenge.

#338
Do you want time to think it over? No!

#339
No. No, not at all. Um, what time were you thinking of dueling?

#340
[Exhales] Any time is good, really. I don't have...

#341
You don't have time 'cause you would have to go out and get a proper gun.

#342
Oh. No, no, no.

#343
I have a gun. I actually keep one right here in the drawer.

#344
You got one right there? I don't need to see it.

#345
I like to keep it loaded because you never know who's gonna walk into a law office these days.

#346
[Laughing] Safety first.

#347
- Right. - So let's rethink some things.

#348
[Clears Throat]

#349
Let's say that you've learned your lesson now,

#350
and I've learned a little lesson.

#351
Hmm. And we'll call it even,

#352
and I will respectfully decline the duel.

#353
- Well, you can't decline. - Eh?

#354
As you know, once the duel's been accepted, you know, there's no backing out.

#355
I mean, that's the law. Yup.

#356
Anyway, great! This is settled.

#357
And I was looking for something to do tomorrow afternoon anyway.

#358
So I'm gonna pencil you in for high noon tomorrow. Don't do it.

#359
- Don't do it. - And, uh, don't worry...

#360
'cause, um, wherever you are, I'll find you.

#361
- Yeah. - I'm gonna put one right between your teeth.

#362
And it's just gonna pop out the back of your neck. [Clicks Tongue]

#363
Hey, Deandra? Can we talk to you for a sec?

#364
Hey, you guys. Watch me bust out this sweet jackknife.

#365
- Oh! Whoa! - [Gasps, Coughing]

#366
- [Laughing] You guys! - Are you okay?

#367
- Oh, I biffed that one, huh? - You "biffed" it?

#368
Whoo! Thank God there wasn't a baby in there, huh?

#369
Could you get me a refill on that, guy? What is this?

#370
Piña colada. Been crushing them. They're great in the heat.

#371
Ah. I don't think you should be drinking and swimming.

#372
- No. - Dingdong! Hello.

#373
[Dee] Goddamn it. Hello!

#374
- Hi. - No, no, no, no, no.

#375
We're looking for Deandra Reynolds. Oh, there she is.

#376
Wait, wait. Don't do that. We're the wealthy homosexual couple she promised her womb to.

#377
Indeed, we are. I'm Hugh Honey, and this is my partner, Vic Vinegar.

#378
We're partners in real estate, and we're partners in life.

#379
[Dee Laughing] Oh, hi!

#380
Oh, hey! Oh, you guys!

#381
How are you doing, sweetie? Oh, excuse us for just one second.

#382
Oh, boy. It's good to see you.

#383
What the hell are you guys doing here? Do not ruin this for me!

#384
Dee, relax. Okay? We're gonna start a bidding war, drive up the price of your womb.

#385
Why would I want you to drive up the price of my womb?

#386
If we make this couple desperate enough for money, they'll sell their house to us.

#387
We're buying every house in the neighborhood. Yeah, check it out.

#388
We get the house, you get a higher price for that kid you're crapping out. Everybody wins.

#389
We're merging the ideas. I didn't want to merge the ideas in the first place.

#390
Well, we're merging 'em, so get used to it.

#391
Uh, we're giving Deandra $100,000 to carry a child for us.

#392
Now, I'll be providing the sperm, of course.

#393
And I'll be providing the money because I'm the breadwinner in the relationship.

#394
And I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom.

#395
Oh! I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.

#396
Only because I'm giving out so much power from the top.

#397
You need to generate power to accept it.

#398
- Deandra, what the hell are they talking about? - I don't know.

#399
Hey, Dee! Hey! Hey!

#400
[Sean] Who's this guy? Oh, splinter!

#401
There's a gate, bro! What the hell are you doing here?

#402
Pardon me, ma'am, sir.

#403
- Everything's fine 'cause Daddy's here now. - Who are you?

#404
I'm the father of the baby growing inside of her stomach, and I need a safe place to hide.

#405
What baby are you talking about, Charlie? I'm not pregnant yet!

#406
- [Crashing] - Abort!

#407
[Grunts] Abort! Abort!

#408
- Do not buy this house! - There's a goddamn gate!

#409
I just got done with that lawyer. He threatened to sue me.

#410
- What? Why? - Well, I had those kids painting their room.

#411
And then I told them to go down, rip some copper pipes out.

#412
Their little hands got all bloody. Big deal.

#413
And they- I had to give them the house to settle the suit.

#414
Okay, that's it. You all are crazy, and I'm asking you to leave.

#415
[Dee] Yes. So, let's go.

#416
Please leave. Oh, are you sure? Really?

#417
- This is a very inviting pool. - You heard the guy! You heard him!

#418
Oh, you two. I am so sorry about that.

#419
Boy, that was nuts, wasn't it?

#420
Yeah.

#421
You know, we're gonna have to ask you to leave as well.

#422
But what about the baby?

#423
We're just gonna find someone else. Oh, you guys!

#424
You got me there! I thought you were serious. We are serious, Deandra.

#425
[Splashing]

#426
Oh, this shit is like a bathtub. [Mac] Jackknife!

#427
Oh, yeah! Cannonball!

#428
Whoo! [Mac] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

#429
- Oh, yeah! - This is great.

#430
Come on in, Dee. Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

#431
- [Dennis] Let's do a chicken fight! - Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

#432
Chicken fight! Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

#433
[Shouting]

#434
[Screaming]

#435
Yeah! Yeah!

#436
[Voices Speaking Backwards]

#437
ENGLISH - US - PSDH

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