Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E03 — The Great Recession

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 3 — The Great Recession

#1
Well, this is an interesting development.

#2
This is not good. You think maybe he's just vacationing?

#3
No. Charlie, there's blocks in front and in back of his tires. He's not going anywhere.

#4
Yeah. This guy's planted himself here.

#5
And I tell you what, once all the other R. V. Folks see what this R.V. guy is doing,

#6
they're gonna start parking their R. V.'s on our street. Shit.

#7
We're gonna be staring down the barrel of a shantytown situation.

#8
Oh, my God. Who just takes their vehicle and parks in someone's, you know, street...

#9
and says, "This is my street. I'm gonna live here now 'cause I'm poor"?

#10
I'll tell you who. New poor. What?

#11
Ever since the recession hit, waves of new people are suddenly broke.

#12
These people have no idea how to live without money.

#13
They're what's called "new poor." We're old poor.

#14
Yeah, they could stand to learn a lesson or two from us,

#15
because we would never take our homelessness and shove it down everybody's face.

#16
Have some class if you're gonna be poor!

#17
All right. Let's get this guy out of here, send him a message.

#18
Let's do it. Right. Let's slash his tires.

#19
Well, not that though, because then he can't leave. That doesn't make any sense.

#20
Well, you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing's gonna make sense, all right?

#21
Lots of things make sense. Slashing someone's tires so that they leave makes no sense.

#22
You gonna put everything I say under a microscope, bud? It's a stupid idea, Charlie.

#23
I'm sorry. You have a better plan?

#24
Dee! Sharpest item in the bar! I need it now! Let's go!

#25
Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?

#26
Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.

#27
Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?

#28
Don't try to stop me. Oh, my God.

#29
- Oh, so he's alive. - I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!

#30
His neck is so thick,

#31
I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

#32
That's what it is! Let's cut him down.

#33
Frank, it's not gonna work for you. Your neck's too thick, buddy.

#34
- Tie a chair to me. - Times are tough, huh?

#35
Shit.

#36
This is terrible.

#37
What? What are you talking about? What is terrible?

#38
If you're looking for a better steak in an arcade setting, you are shit out of luck.

#39
I'm talking about eating out all the time. It's a business expense, Frank.

#40
It's only fair that the upper management of the bar get together to talk shop...

#41
over top-notch steak and some video games.

#42
You two have no idea how serious this is. I can't bail you out anymore!

#43
Maybe we should take this time to streamline Paddy's,

#44
make it run as efficiently as the government.

#45
Mmm! Yeah. Cut out the steak dinners.

#46
We're not cutting out the steak dinners, so just hold your horses on that one.

#47
If anything, we should be talking about bonuses. Let's talk bonuses. Good idea.

#48
Bonuses? Yeah!

#49
You run the business into the ground, and you want bonuses?

#50
Frank, don't be a moron. You start cutting bonuses, you're gonna lose your top guys.

#51
You gotta separate the wheat from the chaff somehow. Yeah.

#52
These dudes are all chaff. Right? Yeah- Well, no. We're all wheat.

#53
No, we're chaff. No, we're not. We're- We're wheat.

#54
Why would you want to be wheat? Why would you ever want to be chaff?

#55
Well, who wants to be- Okay, I'll be chaff, you be wheat.

#56
You two idiots have no business sense whatsoever!

#57
We have no business sense? He's the one dangling from a noose 10 minutes ago.

#58
That's a good point.

#59
Let's start streamlining right now. Frank, you're out. You're fired.

#60
Oh! You just got squeezed out, bitch!

#61
Oh, I'm squeezed out? Uh-huh.

#62
Well, let's see how far you two idiots get...

#63
without Frank Reynolds bailing you out every five minutes!

#64
- I'm outta here! - I'm comfortable being chaff if you want to be wheat.

#65
Okay, man, whatever.

#66
You're firing us?

#67
Well, first we're gonna give you the opportunity to defend your jobs.

#68
- Really? - Yeah.

#69
All right. I appreciate the opportunity, fellas.

#70
- I'm on it! Whoo! - Good. Show us what you do around here, Charlie.

#71
- Hoo-woo-woo-woo! - Oh, come on! This is bullshit!

#72
I shouldn't have to defend my job to you!

#73
Dee, we don't know what it is that you do around here. You don't seem to do anything.

#74
Me? Come on! I do a shitload!

#75
Why don't you make us a drink?

#76
Fine. I'll crack you open a beer.

#77
No, no, no. Not a beer.

#78
Something you have to mix.

#79
But this bottle is cold-activated.

#80
I mean, look at it. Doesn't that look delicious?

#81
It does look delicious, but mix me a drink.

#82
But the mountains, they've turned blue. Mojito me, please.

#83
A refreshing mojito would do. Nobody orders a mojito in this bar.

#84
So you can't make a mojito? Of course I can make a mojito!

#85
Then make one. Fine! One mojito coming up, gentlemen.

#86
I quit.

#87
Goddamn it! Shit!

#88
I was really looking forward to firing her. Me too.

#89
Okay, boys, let's talk rat traps, okay?

#90
Huh? I need money.

#91
Huh? The guys were being total knobs, so I quit.

#92
Also, you're really behind on my rent and they're threatening to evict me, so... money.

#93
What part of "I am broke" don't you guys understand?

#94
I tried to hang myself. No more bailouts!

#95
Well, what am I supposed to do? Not my problemo.

#96
What's with the briefcase?

#97
I'm gonna start a new business.

#98
I created an empire before, and I can do it again.

#99
Huh. You are really good at making money. Okay, I'm in.

#100
What are you talking about? What value are you to me?

#101
I'm desperate, so I'll do anything.

#102
Okay, that's good. Are you willing to destroy your credit?

#103
It's never really been a problem before. That's good. Hold that.

#104
We're gonna take out a big loan in your name and get an office. Great.

#105
Okay, let's go.

#106
All right, that's the rainwater barrels.

#107
Now let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash? How do I dispose of the trash?

#108
I don't know. We disposed of the trash in the Dumpster last night.

#109
What are you doing with it? I am taking it to the furnace.

#110
- We have a furnace? - Absolutely. Where do you think the heat comes from?

#111
You burn the trash in the furnace? This bar runs on trash.

#112
This bar is totally green that way.

#113
How is burning trash green?

#114
Uh, because I'm recycling the trash into heat for the bar.

#115
And lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like.

#116
The bar smells like trash.

#117
That's the exact opposite of green, Charlie.

#118
Oh, I'm sorry.

#119
Well, I could put the trash into a landfill where it's gonna stay for millions of years,

#120
or I could burn it up and get a nice, smoky smell in here...

#121
and let that smoke go into the sky where it turns into stars.

#122
That doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about stars to dispute it.

#123
It's right. No, it's not right. All right, are we almost done?

#124
No, we're not done. I got one more piece of business. What is it?

#125
Lastly, before I open the bar in the morning,

#126
I always make sure to turn on the Coors sign,

#127
let people know we got iced delicious Coors in the bar, you know,

#128
and then, uh, that's the last thing I do.

#129
Ol' Charlie's done a lot of work around here.

#130
Charlie, that sign does not say "Coors." Eh?

#131
Goddamn it. Come outside! Come outside! Come outside!

#132
Goddamn it. Come outside.

#133
Closed! It says "closed," Charlie!

#134
Okay. Yeah, right. I can see that now.

#135
But, you know, you can't really read it from the inside.

#136
You can't read it from the outside!

#137
You know what? Forget it. I can read it!

#138
Are we done with this? Have we gone through everything?

#139
Well, that was the last thing that I do, sure. Okay, great. You're fired!

#140
No, come on. You're not firing me.

#141
Yeah. Yeah. No way!

#142
Oh, I'm sorry! Oh, really?

#143
So you're gonna throw all the trash in the furnace yourselves.

#144
And you're gonna filter the rainwater barrel all by yourselves.

#145
And I suppose you're gonna fiddle with the electricity every day all by yourselves...

#146
and siphon it from all around the neighborhood.

#147
No. We're gonna call a trash man, an electrician, and a plumber...

#148
and not turn the closed sign on when the bar is open!

#149
No, God! What is this?

#150
Are you kidding me? This is what I was talking about.

#151
We are gonna have a shantytown here in no time.

#152
Shit! Goddamn it!

#153
Honey, I'm home!

#154
Feast your eyes on the new headquarters of Reynolds and Reynolds.

#155
Frank and I are starting a business.

#156
We sublet our apartments. We're living in here.

#157
- Wait a second. You subletted our apartment? - Yeah.

#158
Well, what the hell, dude? I don't know if I can live in a trailer, man.

#159
You don't have to, Charlie. It's kinda tight in there already.

#160
Well, hang on a second, bro. We're good in tight spaces. I'll make it work.

#161
I'm sorry, Charlie. What do you mean, you're sorry?

#162
There's no room at the inn. You kidding me, dude? You kidding me?

#163
Unbelievable! So now I'm reduced to sleeping in the bar! Oh, hell no!

#164
No, no, no. You're not gonna be sleeping in the bar.

#165
Where am I gonna live? On the streets? It's a recession.

#166
Times are tough. Yeah. You'll bounce back, buddy.

#167
Aw, come on, man. Can I at least live with you guys?

#168
We're not in the business of giving out handouts, Charlie. We're not the government.

#169
Frankly, I'm a little embarrassed that you would ask. Yeah, it's a little gauche.

#170
You guys are boning me, man.

#171
I tell you what, why don't you and I hit D&B's and talk bonuses?

#172
Yeah. All right. Dennis, why don't you go ahead and lock that door.

#173
You don't have to lock the door.

#174
Go ahead and lock him out. Keep out the riffraff.

#175
You don't have to lock the door. You don't have to add insult to injury. I'm gonna be fine.

#176
That's locked? Yeah.

#177
- I got plenty of places to go. - No, you don't!

#178
Okay, Frank, tell me about this business scheme you're cooking up.

#179
Give me your shoe. My shoe?

#180
Hand over your shoe. All right.

#181
Observe.

#182
Wait. No, no, no- Oh- Aw, come on, man!

#183
That's a $200 shoe!

#184
Look at that. What are you doing?

#185
Feast your eyes on your new business.

#186
Knives.

#187
You want me to sell knives door-to-door? No. You're selling vacuums.

#188
I'm sorry. I took out a high-interest loan...

#189
to invest in a door-to-door knife and vacuum-selling business?

#190
Not just any vacuum. This is wet vac.

#191
Commercial power for the home.

#192
This'll get a red wine stain out of anything. Look.

#193
Oh, goddamn it!

#194
Check it out, Deandra.

#195
All right, this baby is powerful!

#196
Now, cover your ears because it has no muffler!

#197
Oh!

#198
Ah! Oh, that's good merlot.

#199
Yeah. That's good merlot. You're gonna want to keep those coming.

#200
It might be cheaper if youse went with a bottle of wine...

#201
instead of chugging the individual glasses.

#202
Mmm. Yeah, maybe leave the judgment back in the kitchen 'cause...

#203
There's a little bit of a look of judgment on your face. Just go grab them and...

#204
Okay, no problem. All right. Okay. Thank you.

#205
Great! Oh, she's terrific.

#206
I like her. Yeah, she's a cutie. All right, listen, Mac.

#207
I did bring you here for a specific reason, okay? Hmm?

#208
I got an idea for a stimulus plan for the bar that's gonna blow your freakin' mind.

#209
Stimulus plan? A stimulus plan. You want to hear it?

#210
Lay it on me, bro. Take a look around you right now.

#211
Now, at a time where businesses are simply failing left and right, who's thriving?

#212
Dave & Buster's. Dave & Buster's is thriving. Why do you think that is?

#213
I don't know. Video games? Video games are definitely a big part of it.

#214
I want you to do me a favor. Break down for me what I'm holding in my hand right now.

#215
Ah, that is a Dave & Buster's Power Card.

#216
Yes. Now, does your Dave & Buster's card work at any other similar establishments?

#217
Like, say, a T.G.I. Fridays?

#218
Mine does not, and believe me, I've tried at several locations. No, it doesn't.

#219
Yeah, 'cause I've actually been with you on many of those occasions where you've tried.

#220
Right. I don't think I've tried it enough. I think you have.

#221
Because clearly, at this point, you should've realized that it doesn't work anywhere else.

#222
There's one in Franklin Mills I haven't tried. I feel like that could maybe work.

#223
It's not gonna work there either. Let's move past that. I'm trying to make a point here.

#224
When you come to Dave & Buster's you spend your real money,

#225
but you leave with Dave & Buster's money.

#226
That gives you incentive to come back to Dave & Buster's...

#227
'cause it's the only place where your money works.

#228
I think that's brilliant. Maybe we should take a page out of D&B's book.

#229
And try the card at the Friday's out in the northeast...

#230
No, you son of a bitch. We're way past that at this point.

#231
I don't understand why you can't grasp that point.

#232
It doesn't work anywhere else. It's only gonna work here.

#233
All right. I'm- I'm getting all worked up. Okay? This is- Let's...

#234
I'm proposing that we print our own currency, okay?

#235
Make our own money? Yes!

#236
We call it Paddy's Dollars. Now we distribute that out to people for free initially.

#237
Then they become customers, and then they bring in new customers.

#238
And then once they're in, they have to use real dollars to buy Paddy's Dollars.

#239
That's exactly right, and that stimulates our own internal economy.

#240
Yeah, yeah, dude! That's a great plan! Then afterwards, we'll go out to Fox Chase...

#241
and use the Power Card at that Friday's out there.

#242
Yeah, yeah, yeah! No, we won't. You can though.

#243
Look, Mom, um, I've kinda come on some hard times...

#244
with the economy and everything.

#245
I got no place to go and everything, so...

#246
I was figuring maybe I should move back into my old room for a little while...

#247
till I get back up on my feet.

#248
Mmm, well, I don't think that's gonna work out, Charlie.

#249
Why not? I had to sublet your room to Uncle Jack.

#250
Is that why he's here?

#251
Hey, Charlie. Times are tough.

#252
And the economy is so bad...

#253
I needed to get more money in in order to make the house payments.

#254
What are you talking about? You don't make house payments.

#255
You own this house. You've owned it for years. Mom, that's crazy.

#256
- You collect Social Security. - I need money.

#257
You can share the room with me, Charlie.

#258
That's a great idea!

#259
- That is not a great idea. - Well, why not?

#260
It'll be fun.

#261
You know, you and me palling around, getting nuts,

#262
doing crazy, fun things.

#263
I'm not doing any kind of things that you want me to do with you, Uncle Jack.

#264
No, it's- it's stuff that relatives do.

#265
- We'll share the room, Charlie. - I don't want to share the room with you, dude, because I...

#266
I will spend the whole night wide awake like when I was a kid and you tried to share my room.

#267
You ever seen wrestling on television?

#268
I am well aware of what wrestling is.

#269
It's just not what uncles do to their nephews.

#270
I'm out of here.

#271
Hey, I'll call you later. I know you will.

#272
Just grab any knife?

#273
Just the sharpest one in the kitchen.

#274
All right, now when I cut through the shoe and make the sale,

#275
you suggest casually that we have a drink to celebrate. Right.

#276
And? Then I drop a little wine on the carpet,

#277
grab the wet vac, and then call it a deal, whatever. Zing-o.

#278
This is the best knife I own.

#279
Oh. Oh. All right. Mmm.

#280
Well, if that's the best you have...

#281
All right, now pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken...

#282
and you're gonna cook it tonight and make a tasty dinner...

#283
that's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.

#284
Actually, I'm vegan. Okay.

#285
Then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat.

#286
Maybe it is a shoe. Nice one.

#287
Watch the way your knife cuts.

#288
Mmm. Oh, it's just flopping around. Oh, shoot. I-It, you know, doesn't...

#289
Shit's not even making a dent in the leather.

#290
This knife is a piece of crap. Mm-hmm.

#291
Oh. Now take a look at our knife.

#292
Beautiful pressed steel... Oh.

#293
With a nice, razor-sharp edge.

#294
Watch the way this knife blasts through this shoe with one motion.

#295
Uh-huh. Owww!

#296
Ohh! Ohh! Is this part of the whole thing?

#297
Oh, I cut myself! Ohh! It's a deep cut!

#298
Ohh! Ohh! I see your bones!

#299
- It's a deep cut! - I'll get you a towel! I'll get you a towel!

#300
- Oh, Frank! - It's okay. It's all right. I got Band-Aids in my bag.

#301
I just- I need your bathroom, that's all.

#302
Okay. All right. I'll just get my bag. Okay.

#303
Ohh! Okay. But...

#304
Eew. Is he gonna be okay, 'cause...

#305
Yeah. Yeah, no, no. He's gonna be fine, Beth. Don't worry.

#306
I tell you what- Why don't you and I have a glass of wine.

#307
Just bring it down a little bit, huh? I don't drink in the morning.

#308
Yeah, me neither. Oh, uh...

#309
Oh, shoot! Oh!

#310
Oh, I'm missing it! Hey!

#311
Oh, no! You're doing that on purpose!

#312
I'm trying to prove a point here, Beth, okay? Hmm? I- I don't...

#313
I'm gonna...

#314
Okay, I- Yeah. Oh, boy.

#315
Goddamn it!

#316
- These Paddy's Dollars look great, bro. - Yeah!

#317
I'm really glad we went with the color. They pop! Oh, yeah.

#318
Little bit more expensive than I would've thought. But that's worth it though.

#319
That's an old-poor move.

#320
You take your money and put it into something worth it, you're not tacky.

#321
See, by transferring all of our cash into these Paddy's Dollars...

#322
and then printing more of these babies than we ever had in cash, we've upped our value.

#323
Shit!

#324
Oh, goddamn it. Look.

#325
Full-blown shantytown. We're screwed.

#326
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, dude.

#327
There could be some real opportunity in this.

#328
Yeah? Yeah, man. Think about this, dude.

#329
In recession times, what thrives more than anything else?

#330
Prostitutes. No- Well, yeah, that. But that and bars.

#331
Oh, and bars! Well, yeah! Right, because people gotta drown their sorrows.

#332
Get drunk! We own a bar!

#333
Yeah! So why don't we take these Paddy's Dollars...

#334
and just distribute them amongst the shanties?

#335
That way- Right. They buy the booze from us with the dollars.

#336
Right. They run out of booze, then they gotta buy more Paddy's Dollars from us.

#337
Thus creating the self-sustaining economy we've been looking for.

#338
It stimulates our economy.

#339
That's what Dave & Buster's does. Give me one up here.

#340
Boom. Boom!

#341
Who wants some free money, shanties?

#342
When people stop buying vacuum cleaners and knives door-to-door,

#343
it can mean only one thing, Deandra.

#344
That you blew all of my money on a very stupid idea? No!

#345
Good-bye, recession, hello, depression.

#346
You're very lucky that you're with somebody as resilient as Frank Reynolds.

#347
You've tried to off yourself two times in the last 24 hours, Frank!

#348
Listen, this business partner of mine called. He's got a great plan.

#349
This is the man who's gonna make us rich.

#350
This is the man? Yes.

#351
This man lives in a cardboard box! Times is tough.

#352
Goddamn it. Yo!

#353
Hey!

#354
Thanks for getting down here so quick.

#355
It's Charlie? Hey, Charlie!

#356
Charlie is your new business partner?

#357
Yeah. Well, what do you want? We're good in tight spots.

#358
That's right. All right. You ready to do this? You got it.

#359
Okay, let's go! Let's go! You're the man with the plan.

#360
Deandra, this is gonna work.

#361
There we go. Look at that.

#362
- Feast your eyes. - Here we go!

#363
What the hell is that?

#364
These are crabs! Fresh, local Delaware runoff crabs.

#365
Those don't look anything like crabs.

#366
Huh? Yeah, well- They look like sea scorpions.

#367
Isn’t there some kind of, like, sewage runoff around here?

#368
Yeah, there's a pretty bad sewage runoff, but, you know, crabs is sewage-proof!

#369
And depression proof. People gotta eat.

#370
We're gonna sell these on the street.

#371
- We're crab people now. - Crab people.

#372
We're crab people now? Yes!

#373
You want us to become crab people?

#374
That's your new business plan? Yeah...

#375
Yeah. I'm getting a call.

#376
We'll live and die by the crab, Dee!

#377
We'll eat off the fat of the sea.

#378
Help me toss some of these babies back, 'cause legally we're not allowed to eat those.

#379
Oh, thank you very much! Thank you. Great news!

#380
Let's go! Forget the crabs! Okay.

#381
- Nice doing business with you. - All right, shanty!

#382
Enjoy it! All right. Enjoy yourselves.

#383
Boom! Okay.

#384
Hey! We did it.

#385
I think we made every single one of our Paddy's Dollars back.

#386
You're damn right. Thus creating the self-sustaining economy we've been looking for.

#387
That's right. How much fresh cash did we make?

#388
Fresh cash? Yes.

#389
Uh, well, zero. Zero, if you're talking about U.S. currency.

#390
People didn't really seem interested in spending any of that.

#391
That's okay.

#392
So when they run out of the booze,

#393
they'll come back in and they'll have to buy more Paddy's Dollars.

#394
Right. That is assuming, of course, that they will come back here and drink.

#395
They will because we'll redistribute these to the shanties,

#396
thus ensuring them coming back in, keeping the money moving.

#397
Well, no, if we just redistribute these, then people will continue to drink for free.

#398
Okay. How does this work, Mac?

#399
The money keeps moving in a circle.

#400
But- But we don't have any money. All we have is this.

#401
How does this work, dude? I don't know. I thought you knew.

#402
I thought you- What? I thought you were on top of this!

#403
You're the one that came up with the plan! Did I come up with this plan?

#404
Last night, dude, with the D&B Power Card and the- Oh, I blacked out that night.

#405
Shit, dude! I've been following your lead! Oh, Jesus.

#406
Oh, shit. Okay, so we have no money and no inventory.

#407
There's still something we can do. That's still a business somehow.

#408
How does D&B's do it? They've got a complicated system. I cannot begin to understand it.

#409
How does a self-sustaining economy work?

#410
I don't understand how the U.S. economy works, much less some sort of a self-sustaining one.

#411
I don't understand how finances work.

#412
Shots for everybody!

#413
The government is reimbursing me all the money I lost!

#414
I love this country! Baby, I'm back!

#415
Wait, you got a bailout? Yeah, you know it, pal!

#416
Can you bail us out, Frank? Because we're kind of screwed here.

#417
I'll tell you what. Let's discuss it over steaks and Skee-Ball.

#418
Oh!

#419
Hey, bailouts all around! U.S.A.!

#420
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! I love this country!

#421
Crab meat! Crab meat! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

#422
- Crab meat! - Crab meat!

#423
Uh, you guys don't think that you're going to Dave & Buster's, do you?

#424
Uh- What?

#425
ENGLISH - US -PSDH

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