Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E04 — The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 4 — The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention

#1
Hey, come on, man. Be careful, man. You're spilling on the floor.

#2
I don't understand why you don't just use a cup.

#3
I'm trying to be inconspicuous. Inconspicu...

#4
Your entire mouth is stained red, Frank. It is?

#5
Yeah. Aren't we gonna be at the barbecue soon?

#6
Yeah. I'm pregaming, man. What's going on with you? You're going off the deep end lately.

#7
I feel like he's been wading around in the deep end for a while.

#8
No, bro, it's different. He's staying out all hours of the night.

#9
I never see him. If he is around, he's usually not even wearing clothes.

#10
I'm wearing clothes now, bitch.

#11
You're wearing a shirt that's on inside out and it's covered in grease.

#12
Yeah, you're really greasy. It's not grease. It's sap.

#13
- Sap? How did you get covered in sap? - I got really wasted.

#14
- I must've climbed a tree. - You're really stepping up the insanity, huh?

#15
I'm trying to push myself. I want to see how far I could go.

#16
I feel like you've been standing on the edge of a cliff for a while now.

#17
I say hop off. Let's see where you land.

#18
I really wish you wouldn't encourage him, man. I really wish you wouldn't.

#19
If somebody wants to push his boundaries, you gotta let him. Frank, jump.

#20
I never felt more alive in my life.

#21
Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure. There's the street, right there.

#22
What the hell?

#23
I thought we were going to a barbecue, Frank.

#24
It's more of a party in the park. We're at a cemetery.

#25
The party is in the cemetery.

#26
- Who has a party in a cemetery? - Your Uncle Max.

#27
He just croaked.

#28
Flush that turd down the drain!

#29
Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?

#30
Yes. We're completely underdressed. It's embarrassing.

#31
What are we doing here, Frank? What's your angle? I wanna bang your Aunt Donna.

#32
Why would you wanna bang our mom's sister...

#33
at the funeral of her husband?

#34
Hmm. Well, I don't know how many years on this earth I got left.

#35
I'm gonna get real weird with it.

#36
Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm gonna roast this bone.

#37
Okay. Jesus Christ.

#38
Come on. Get in there. What are you doing?

#39
That is enough. I've had enough. He's definitely reached his limit.

#40
I've reached my limit, that's for sure.

#41
Dude, this is what I was talking about in the car.

#42
The guy is going off the deep end, all right?

#43
Now it's starting to affect our lives. Yeah.

#44
And I think maybe we should have an intervention or something.

#45
An intervention might be a good idea.

#46
If he starts banging Aunt Donna, we're gonna have the garbage pail cousin in the mix.

#47
No! No!

#48
Whoa. Who is the garbage pail cousin?

#49
Gail the Snail is the garbage pail cousin.

#50
Oh, Charlie, she is the worst.

#51
We'd have these family parties and she'd just glob onto me and Dennis.

#52
We couldn't get rid of her. The only way was to torture her.

#53
And that's what we did. Yeah. We'd throw her in the dryer.

#54
We'd throw salt on her. Yeah, we'd throw salt on her 'cause she was the snail.

#55
Mm-hmm. Get it? Get it? You throw salt on a snail, and...

#56
It shrivels her up. It's supposed to shrivel up.

#57
Well, that sounds a little messed up though, huh?

#58
You don't think we're proud of that, do you? No.

#59
But you don't understand. That's the only way you can handle her.

#60
She made us do those things. And quite frankly, I resent her for it.

#61
What kind of a person salts another human being? It's terrible.

#62
There's no joy in salting someone. Everyone loses. Yeah.

#63
It sounds like a- What's up, suckers?

#64
Hey, Gail. Hey, Gail.

#65
You look different. I'm more confident. I've grown into my body.

#66
You're sure showing a lot of skin, huh?

#67
Jealous? I'm a woman now. I'm not a virgin anymore.

#68
Cool. Thank you. Okay.

#69
Hey, guys, you wanna come to my car and take a puff?

#70
I got some medical marijuana.

#71
- We're at your dad's funeral, Gail. - What evs. I'm over it.

#72
Plus, if we all showed up super high at the reception,

#73
everyone would be like, "What?"

#74
Uh- Uh- Okay. Come on.

#75
Whatever, Gail. Yes, we'll do that.

#76
Wait in the car and we'll join you. We'll come get you.

#77
- You guys gonna come? - We'll come in a second.

#78
- Like five minutes? - Five minutes. - Anything. Yes.

#79
Anything. Whatever you say.

#80
See, this is what happens when you don't have salt.

#81
My God. There's not enough salt in the world for her.

#82
The garbage pail cousin.

#83
Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna. Hello, Frank.

#84
You surprised to see me? No.

#85
Ooh. You left several voice mails...

#86
congratulating me on my husband's death. Well, I was pretty baked.

#87
What do you want? I have a proposition for you.

#88
I think you and me ought to bang.

#89
What? Okay. Hear me out.

#90
Max never liked me. I hated him.

#91
Barbara didn't like you. You despised her.

#92
Now, what better way to get back at them in the grave,

#93
really stick it to 'em, if you and me plowed?

#94
I mean, really- Hmm?

#95
You get back to me.

#96
Hey. I'm Mac.

#97
Barbara's ex-lover.

#98
She may have mentioned...

#99
You were gonna say something? No.

#100
You said- No? No. I was just breathing.

#101
I'll start by commending you guys...

#102
for taking the initiative to help Frank.

#103
Ah, we're caring people. That's our nature.

#104
Um, what's Frank struggling with the most right now?

#105
Ooh. Ah, he is trying to bang our aunt. That's the big one.

#106
Uh, these things deal more with drug and alcohol abuse. Mm-hmm.

#107
Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here...

#108
Oh, yeah. With the aunt thing.

#109
So he does have a drinking problem.

#110
Oh, big time. Big time. Oh, lady.

#111
But if I'm being honest, my problem's less with the fact...

#112
that he's drinking and more that he's doing it without me.

#113
And then I start thinking, "What's wrong with me? Am I not fun to drink with?"

#114
Oh, no. Don't do that to yourself. You're plenty of fun to drink with.

#115
Trust me, Charlie. You get really, really drunk. Oh, yeah.

#116
And then you get reckless, and it's a lot of fun.

#117
So how do we go about doing this?

#118
Do we ambush him and then sort of like berate him...

#119
into becoming the guy we wanna be around?

#120
You certainly don't berate him.

#121
He needs to know you're coming from a place of love and concern.

#122
Mm-mmm. Too soft.

#123
I think we should come at him with an iron fist and crush him into submission.

#124
Right, right. If we're taking that approach,

#125
you might wanna be armed at this intervention. Mm-hmm.

#126
Why- Why would I need to be armed?

#127
Well, Frank's usually carrying a little gun with him.

#128
- And he doesn't really hesitate to use it. - And you know what?

#129
Have the gun out and ready to rock when he comes in.

#130
- We'll all have guns. - It's just safer. She could put it in her pants.

#131
If we maybe ambush Frank with a net...

#132
or some kind of rope device,

#133
the gun will maybe drop out of his waist belt. You wanna bring him in in a net?

#134
- That could get awkward. - Just bring the gun.

#135
Bring a gun. I don't wanna get shot, so just bring a gun, will you?

#136
You know, I do offer group therapy.

#137
Yeah. What are you doing?

#138
What is this you're doing? What is that? What is that?

#139
With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention,

#140
and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.

#141
Yeah. You put wine in the soda can?

#142
You didn't know, did you? That's good.

#143
Soda. You stole Frank's idea.

#144
Actually, it's a pretty good one. It's a good idea.

#145
The guy's got great ideas. He's a smart man. That's not what we're here about.

#146
- But I do feel like she just tried an intervention on us. - Did you intervene on us?

#147
You know what I'm feeling? I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here.

#148
And we're the ones that are running things now. I've lost my trust in you.

#149
- We can do this on our own. - We can do the intervention without her.

#150
You guys think? Why not?

#151
All right. Might as well give it a shot. Let's just do that.

#152
Thank you. Thanks for your help. You did your best.

#153
After you. No hard feelings.

#154
I'm gonna grab some of this literature.

#155
She didn't do that great of a job.

#156
No, but don't beat her while she's down.

#157
Frank, here's another idea.

#158
Oh! Oh! Where'd you come from?

#159
I've been walking next to you the entire time.

#160
I'm sorry. I'm a little, uh, lit.

#161
And, uh, I've been going over this thing.

#162
I'm trying to figure out how- How to bang Donna. I know.

#163
You've been talking about it for the last five miles.

#164
Dude, it doesn't matter. I got a better idea.

#165
I think you should bang Gail the Snail.

#166
My niece? Yeah.

#167
Gail the Snail? Dude, what's more depraved than that, huh?

#168
Plus, you're not blood related, so it's not that weird.

#169
That is a good idea.

#170
I like the way you're thinking.

#171
Ew! What's in it for you?

#172
Huh?

#173
Oh! Jesus! What's in it for you?

#174
Don't worry about what's in it for me, dude.

#175
Good God! You are disgusting.

#176
A disgusting animal.

#177
Mm. Charlie.

#178
Let's write him a letter. Let's write Frank a letter.

#179
That's the first step in any intervention, right?

#180
Huh. Yeah. Great. All right.

#181
So I'm assuming you'll have to dictate yours to me,

#182
and then I'll just write it down for you, yeah? Yes, that'll be fine.

#183
Okay, great. Let's- Let's do that.

#184
Okay, uh, I guess my letter would be about...

#185
how Frank and I aren't really making memories together anymore,

#186
and how when we don't make memories together, that's a hurtful thing for me.

#187
Okay. Uh, you know, let's just dive right in.

#188
I'm not even gonna try and suss out where you're going with that one.

#189
Right. Um, number one...

#190
when was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?

#191
Oh. Oh, okay. What is that?

#192
Well, it's not about you. Why don't you just write it down, and then...

#193
Yeah, but you said it. You said "Night Crawlers,"

#194
and now I feel like I can't move past it.

#195
I gotta know what that is. It's- It's no big deal.

#196
You know? I...

#197
If I were you, I'd just write it down because it's not really a big deal.

#198
What is it? It's what it sounds like.

#199
What it sounds like is that you two crawl around like worms in the night.

#200
That's what it sounds like.

#201
This is not about you, so I'd like for you...

#202
Damn! Shut up! Guess what!

#203
What? We got you! What do you guys think?

#204
I thought when Frank comes in, we'll just bang and make a bunch of noise.

#205
Oh, yeah. Ha! We've got you! All right.

#206
But the pain is a little agitating. That's overboard, I think.

#207
- It's too much? - I think that's too far.

#208
The yelling and pointing and accusing and saying that he's trapped and surrounded...

#209
is probably gonna be- That's gonna be great.

#210
By the way, you guys, can I just say, as a side note,

#211
I am loving this canned wine thing.

#212
I think it's brilliant. Right?

#213
I'm active. I'm gesturing with my hands, and I don't feel restricted.

#214
If I was holding a wine glass, I'd be spilling wine all over the goddamn place.

#215
It would get everywhere. We're not intervening on Frank for a lack of good ideas.

#216
Well, that's for sure. Oh, no. Well, guys, maybe we're not doing the right thing.

#217
You're talking a lot about wine. You got it all over your lips and teeth.

#218
Maybe we need the help of a professional. We should probably get that lady back.

#219
What are you talking about? We're coming up with all kinds of good ideas.

#220
We're flowing here. I feel like we got some good stuff.

#221
I just feel like- Maybe we should consult with the pamphlets, right?

#222
The pamphlets I grabbed from the office. Oh, okay.

#223
Well, I've been meaning to bring that up.

#224
I took a lot at those pamphlets that you grabbed,

#225
and not a single one of them has anything to do with intervention.

#226
It's not even close. I'm starting to think we need to intervene on you...

#227
for your goddamn illiteracy. Yeah, Charlie, you are getting real dumb.

#228
Come on. All right. See, this is what I'm talking about. Illiteracy.

#229
What does that word even mean? Come on.

#230
I'm gonna get the lady, 'cause this is gettin' crazy.

#231
We need help. I'm gettin' the lady.

#232
- Whoa. - How you doin', Frank?

#233
What the hell are you doing here?

#234
Frank, my plan is finally coming together.

#235
With you out of the picture, I can swoop in on Donna.

#236
Is that why you pushed me off onto the Snail?

#237
Yeah, that's right, bitch. But that's what you wanted anyway, right?

#238
You wanted to be as depraved as possible.

#239
Yeah. But I think the Snail is too depraved even for me.

#240
This broad is berserk.

#241
Wake and bake. You guys bang?

#242
Oh, no. We did a bunch of those Monster Energy drinks and dry humped. It was awful.

#243
I think she gave me poison ivy.

#244
Hey, hey there, sleepyhead.

#245
I made you breakfast. I hope you like it crispy 'cause it is burned.

#246
What is going on in here? How did you get in my house?

#247
Did you kick in my door?

#248
Kick, yes. Kick in, no.

#249
That door is solid, which is the good news.

#250
The bad news is the window is not.

#251
That's gonna be a security concern. But don't worry.

#252
I'm gonna fix it, make sure it's up to snuff.

#253
You're always safe when you're with me. Are you ready for your breakfast?

#254
I'm sorry. What is happening here?

#255
I haven't any idea, honestly. I'm giving Frank a handy under the table.

#256
That is true.

#257
Look, Snail- Back off.

#258
Because you're just mashing it now. It's not...

#259
For God sakes, Gail.

#260
Mom, I'm sexually active now. Get over it.

#261
You're 33 years old. You're supposed to be sexually active.

#262
You're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under a table.

#263
We're not blood related. Will you just please leave her alone?

#264
I'll make a deal with you. I dump the Snail if you and I go out.

#265
Frank, you can't do that. Donna's my girl.

#266
I called her first at the funeral. Fair is fair.

#267
Let me make something perfectly clear.

#268
I will never be with either of you.

#269
Why are you doing this to me? Why can't you just let me be happy?

#270
I want everybody out of my house. Jesus Christ.

#271
Out of my house! Okay!

#272
- Fine. - Not you. You live here, Gail.

#273
I hate it here. I'm leaving. I'm going with this guy. He's my boyfriend.

#274
- I'm taking some eggs. - I am not your boyfriend.

#275
Frank, what is with this chick? She's berserk.

#276
Oh, okay. I get it. So Frank sits there,

#277
and we put stools in a semicircle.

#278
You wanna make sure there's a border all around him...

#279
so there's no going anywhere. And zing him from every angle.

#280
Yep. Okay.

#281
- That makes sense. - There she is!

#282
Hey! Hey! Thank you for coming!

#283
- - We really appreciate this. We really appreciate it.

#284
Well, I'm here because clearly your friend is in desperate need of help.

#285
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

#286
Well, we realize we also just need as many people attacking this guy...

#287
as we can possibly get. Mm-hmm.

#288
Well, not attacking. This is why I'm glad you called me back.

#289
Yeah, okay, listen. Before we get into that,

#290
could you help us pop a quick intervention on Charlie for his illiteracy?

#291
The kid can't read or write. Not a bit.

#292
- - No joke. It's no joke.

#293
They've been riding me all day. I can read and write. I just don't like to read and write.

#294
Let's try and stay focused on Frank.

#295
That's a good point. He's gonna be here any second.

#296
We told him there was a giant grease fire...

#297
and he had to come down immediately.

#298
Uh-oh. She's- I'm assuming you wouldn't have lured him down with a fire.

#299
Is that what your face is doing right now?

#300
Yeah. Um, and I wouldn't have an intervention at a bar either.

#301
Well, lady, look,

#302
all mistakes we've made on our own, so it's good that you're here.

#303
We're doing our best. We're doing our best.

#304
Where's the goddamn fire?

#305
Intervention! Intervention! Ah, intervention!

#306
Intervention! I got it! I got it! You're surrounded, Frank!

#307
There's nowhere for you to go. You're trapped. You're trapped.

#308
You're trapped! You're trapped!

#309
Got you! Got you! You're trapped!

#310
- That's enough! That's enough! - We told you there was gonna be a gun.

#311
What the hell's going on? Got you, man!

#312
Sit down! You sit down so we can tell you what an asshole you've been.

#313
We're gonna get all in your face and point out your faults.

#314
A roast? I've always wanted to be roasted.

#315
Oh, wait. Let me just switch gears here...

#316
fire up this spliff.

#317
No, no, no, no. Wait. Frank, hold on.

#318
Um, everyone's here today because they care about you and they want you to get well.

#319
She ain't funny. Next.

#320
Frank, you're an asshole. Ah! That's it.

#321
- Now rain down on me. Come on. - You're a prick!

#322
And your addiction has affected us in the following ways.

#323
You are annoying!

#324
Dennis, come on! Give it to me with both barrels!

#325
Why do we never play Night Crawlers anymore, huh? I don't know, Charlie.

#326
What is Night Crawlers? It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.

#327
I never said that. Yeah, well, that's what it is.

#328
Intervention! Intervention! Is nothing private, Frank?

#329
Jesus! Look, I like that game. I don't wanna stop playing it.

#330
Well, Charlie, we can play that game.

#331
You promise? Yeah.

#332
Whoo! Ahh! Yeah.

#333
Stop touching me.

#334
- Just stop. - Whoa! What's this?

#335
Me and Mac are together.

#336
No! No! No!

#337
Intervention! Intervention! Intervention!

#338
What are you interventioning me for?

#339
Because you can't be banging Gail the Snail.

#340
I'm not banging Gail the Snail. She followed me home.

#341
Oh! She was doing that the whole time.

#342
Yeah, she does that. Swallow it or spit it out.

#343
No, don't! Oh, my God.

#344
See? Intervention!

#345
Hey, babe, I'll get you a drink from the bar.

#346
Great. My God. What are you doing, Mac?

#347
I was just going over to her house to try and bang Donna...

#348
because she reminds me so much of your mom,

#349
which is the best sex I ever had.

#350
- - Intervention. Intervention.

#351
Huh? You banged my dead wife?

#352
Well, she was alive at the time.

#353
- But- Did you not know that? - No.

#354
It's cool, man. It's cool. Intervention. Intervention. Okay?

#355
Look, he's got a weird fetish for older women, so don't hold it against him.

#356
I don't have an older-woman fetish.

#357
Yeah, you do. I don't wanna bang this chick.

#358
Let's cool it with the intervention stuff for a second...

#359
'cause there's a lot of 'em being thrown around right now,

#360
and I'm having a little bit of trouble keeping track.

#361
The most important intervention is the one we need to do on Gail the Snail...

#362
and getting her out of our lives.

#363
Guys, let's do shots and get crazy.

#364
No, Gail. No. We're intervening on you, Snail. Go. Get out of here.

#365
Yeah, right. How is she not getting this?

#366
She's stonewalling us. It is a classic Snail technique. Classic.

#367
Ya! Get out of here, Snail! He's got the salt!

#368
Salt the Snail! Ya, ya, ya!

#369
Go, Snail! Ya, ya, ya!

#370
Ya! Ya! Hey, guys! Guys, guys!

#371
I was gonna invite you guys all to a rave to hang out,

#372
but now I don't wanna hang out with you anymore.

#373
Oh, my God. Salt the Snail. Just salt her.

#374
Wait, wait! Do you guys wanna go?

#375
No, no! We don't wanna go! Wait!

#376
I have glow sticks.

#377
Salt the Snail!

#378
The whole thing!

#379
- Ya, ya, ya! - What is with that broad?

#380
She is the worst, right? That's what we've been saying.

#381
Oh, my God. That was a terrible experience for me by the way.

#382
Of course it was. Nobody likes salting the Snail, but she gives you no choice.

#383
- She doesn't leave you with any options. - What a horrible thing.

#384
I'm all worked up now. I feel bad.

#385
I feel like maybe I should have some more wine in a can.

#386
I'll get you one. I can use some canned wine to calm down a little bit.

#387
Oh, you guys are drinking wine out of those cans?

#388
Oh, you guys are drinking wine out of those cans?

#389
Hell, yeah, baby. Hell, yeah.

#390
Can I have one? Yes, and you will notice the advantages almost immediately.

#391
Here. Try this. I feel like drinking wine out of a can...

#392
is conducive to my violent hand gestures when I speak.

#393
You tend to be very emphatic and strong and- There's no spillage.

#394
Say I wanna give one to Frank. You didn't get any on me.

#395
I spilled a little. You wanna point accusatorily, but...

#396
But it really boosts your mobility.

#397
Excuse me. Excuse- Excuse me.

#398
People, I- I'm sorry, but how do you guys wanna proceed from here?

#399
Because I'm a little confused.

#400
Ohh!

#401
Did you wanna- Right. Okay.

#402
Um- Well, I guess we kind of got what we needed out of the intervention.

#403
Yeah. Right? So good job.

#404
Was it? Did she? We did all the work, didn't we?

#405
So we can't really pay you 'cause of that.

#406
I know we said we would, but we won't. Yeah.

#407
Um, how about a can of wine? Oh.

#408
No.

#409
Oh. All right. Well...

#410
Okay, well, on your way. Adios.

#411
On your way then. Take your jacket.

#412
Get out of here.

#413
Take that shoulder-padded jacket and get the hell out.

#414
Thanks for stopping by.

#415
Don't expect a check in the mail.

#416
Hey! Up top!

#417
Up top, everybody! Great intervention!

#418
Great intervention! Great intervention work!

#419
ENGLISH - US - PSDH

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