Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E05 — The Waitress Is Getting Married

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 5 — The Waitress Is Getting Married

#1
I don't know. What do you think?

#2
It's kind of doing nothing for my hip area and making a mess of my boobs.

#3
You know what? Why don't you go grab five more?

#4
Look, we don't normally do this.

#5
But I think I'm gonna need some proof that you're actually getting married.

#6
What? Why?

#7
Because you've been coming in here and trying on wedding dresses every Saturday...

#8
for over a year now.

#9
Yeah. That's 'cause it takes a really long time to plan a wedding.

#10
Don't get up all over my balls, Lucy. Just go get the dresses.

#11
When is the wedding? Soon.

#12
Where? A church.

#13
Which one? The nearby one.

#14
The nearby one? Right down the street.

#15
Which street? Spring.

#16
What's your fiancé's name? Sam.

#17
What does he do? S-S-Salt.

#18
Salt? Sea... salt. Sea salt.

#19
He's a salt seaman.

#20
He- He dives in to the ocean for the sea salt.

#21
And then he brings it back up. And then we eat it.

#22
So- Okay, I'm getting the manager.

#23
Well, don't get the- Damn it.

#24
- Dee Reynolds? - Yeah.

#25
Brad Fisher. From high school.

#26
Brad Fisher. No way.

#27
Yeah. You look amazing.

#28
Your acne cleared up really well.

#29
I kinda grew into myself. Yes, you did. Yes, you did.

#30
Why did I ever break up with you, you beefcake? It was because of the acne.

#31
Was it because of the acne? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, when it got real bad,

#32
you dumped me and you said it was 'cause I was gonna grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.

#33
Well, I don't really remember saying exactly that.

#34
It's- It's fine. We were kids. We were kids.

#35
We were kids! Yeah.

#36
We're not kids anymore. No.

#37
Great. Wow. So you're- you're getting married. Wow.

#38
Yeah. Uh, no, I'm not. I'm not.

#39
This is because I was. But that- that didn't work out.

#40
Why are you asking? Are you single?

#41
What's your situation? Um, I'm engaged.

#42
Oh. Yeah. I mean, that's why I'm here.

#43
My fiancée's trying on a dress. I know I'm not supposed to see it before the wedding.

#44
But we're having a whole nontraditional kinda small thing.

#45
So you should meet her. Babe. Well, nah...

#46
- Yeah? - Come here for a second. I want you to meet a friend of mine.

#47
What do you think of this one, Brad? It's beautiful, yeah.

#48
Oh, my God.

#49
Okay. All right.

#50
Well, don't poke at it. Don't just poke...

#51
Just get it safely into the box. Dude, you're gonna agitate the bees.

#52
Well, I'm fine with the bees. It's the honey I don't want to agitate.

#53
Is that your endgame here? Honey?

#54
Yeah. I figure if we keep the hive in the basement, we'll always have honey.

#55
We'll always have bees is what we'll always have.

#56
Whoa! What? What?

#57
I think I just saw a wasp. I think that was a wasp.

#58
You see that? Looked like a wasp. Didn't look like a bee.

#59
Is this a wasp nest? This is a wasp nest.

#60
I'm out! I'm out! All right. Yeah, yeah.

#61
I don't want to tangle with a bunch of wasps. Hey! Do- Do wasps make honey?

#62
No. Wasps do not make honey.

#63
All right. Well, I'm gonna check it out anyway.

#64
There could be something delicious in here that wasps do make, and I want that.

#65
Mac, Dennis, can I talk to you in the office, please?

#66
Why can't we just talk right here? Yeah?

#67
Because it's private. Ah, that sounds like a whole thing. I'm not into it.

#68
- Mmm. - Shit!

#69
I just got stung! That was a hornet! This is a hornets nest!

#70
Uh, you know what, guys? Why don't we step in the back office...

#71
while Charlie deals with this whole hornet/wasp situation?

#72
Yeah.

#73
Oh. Oh, I'm a bad boy? I'm a bad boy?

#74
Put some vegetable oil on it. That'll make you feel better. Okay. Bye, sexy.

#75
Ohh. Who was that?

#76
That's my booty call. We're into some really weird food fetish stuff.

#77
Gross. Okay, you guys, listen up. We got a serious problem.

#78
The waitress is getting married.

#79
Oh, yeah. I heard about that. Artemis told me.

#80
- Since when do you talk to Artemis? - She's my booty call.

#81
Weird. We'll get into that later.

#82
Right now, we gotta deal with this waitress situation.

#83
Dee, why do you give a shit that the waitress is getting married?

#84
She's been nothing but trouble for us. That's a good point.

#85
She doesn't seem to get our sense of humor.

#86
We do stuff that I think's funny. She doesn't. Hilarious!

#87
Guys! I cannot believe you're not thinking about Charlie right now.

#88
This is gonna crush him. What? You don't give a shit about Charlie.

#89
All you care about is the fact the waitress is getting married before you. Right?

#90
That or she's afraid that Charlie might blow his brains out.

#91
And then she'd have to do all the Charlie work. Uh, that's what it is. Yeah.

#92
Okay, fine. A: I do not want to do Charlie's work once he kills himself.

#93
How could the waitress get married before me? I'm way hotter than she is.

#94
And C: Get this. The guy she's marrying used to be my boyfriend.

#95
You know what I just realized? I don't care about anything she's saying.

#96
Not a bit. What I do care about is the fact that...

#97
Charlie might go postal if he finds out about this and kill all of us.

#98
Right. Shit. We're probably the ones at real risk here, huh?

#99
Yeah. Okay. Well, maybe we should find something to distract him...

#100
until the whole wedding thing blows over. Mm-hmm.

#101
- Get him his own booty call. - Ohh!

#102
Or at least another chick to stalk. Hey!

#103
Great. In the meantime, I'll try and sabotage the wedding...

#104
by luring Brad away from her. Ahh.

#105
Dee, save yourself the embarrassment. Yeah, yeah.

#106
Let's- Watch out for the hornets.

#107
Yeah. Don't push me.

#108
Hey-oh!

#109
Hey, what's- Ahh!

#110
What are you doing there, buddy?

#111
I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey.

#112
They keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face. I think I just swallowed one.

#113
As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornets nest.

#114
I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.

#115
There's some very basic science out there supporting that. No.

#116
No. Trust me, pal.

#117
It's a fact. It's not even science. Why are you bothering...

#118
getting into it with him? I don't know. I just feel like...

#119
Charlie, we're gonna get you back on the dating scene, bro.

#120
What do you think about that? Yeah. That's actually why we're here.

#121
We're gonna put your profile on Match.com.

#122
I don't see why. I got the waitress, guys.

#123
Yeah. Yeah, right.

#124
Sure, right. Uh, yeah, totally.

#125
We thought maybe you could meet somebody new. Yeah.

#126
Someone you like even more than the waitress.

#127
I don't see how that's possible.

#128
But I tell you what, let me pop a quick "H" on this box.

#129
This way we all know it's filled with the hornets.

#130
Okay? Okay, yeah. Do what you gotta do.

#131
These things sting like a bitch, man.

#132
First thing we gotta do is take your picture for the profile. So...

#133
Ahh. So, do you have the makeup?

#134
- Yeah. - Oh, no makeup! Come on.

#135
Well, those hornet stings are pretty bad, buddy. So I think we're gonna have to...

#136
Yeah. But I am who I am.

#137
Right. But- Yeah, but...

#138
Let's do who you are minus the hornet stings.

#139
Let's pretend you're not who you are and just try to attract a woman.

#140
I tell you what. What if I wore a checkered hat and I smoked a pipe? That'd work.

#141
Why would you want a checkered hat and a pipe?

#142
You know, for the Sherlock Holmes look.

#143
Why would you want to look like Sherlock Holmes?

#144
- Who are you trying to attract exactly? - Intelligent women.

#145
Okay. I'm just gonna take the photo right now without the makeup...

#146
- and see if he likes it. Ready? - Yeah.

#147
- Ooh, that felt good. Was that sexy? - That's very...

#148
That felt sexy. We'll Photoshop it.

#149
Yeah, I can see where this is going.

#150
Let's just not do that. We'll just Photoshop it.

#151
Let's- Let's- You want to take another one?

#152
No. No. We'll find another picture that we can use and that'll be fine.

#153
Yeah. Let's talk about your likes and dislikes.

#154
- How about your favorite food. What would that be? - Oh, milk steak.

#155
Hmm? Hmm? What?

#156
- Milk steak. - I'm not putting milk steak.

#157
Just put steak. Just put regular steak. And then- I'm gonna put steak.

#158
Put milk steak. She'll know what it is.

#159
She won't know. Nobody knows what that is. She'll know what it is.

#160
No- Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby?

#161
Uh, magnets.

#162
Magnets? Okay, what, like making magnets, collecting magnets?

#163
Playing with magnets? Just magnets.

#164
I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. I don't really snowboard.

#165
- All right, what are some of your likes? - Uh, ghouls.

#166
Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?

#167
You know, funny little green ghouls, go- What?

#168
- What, like in movies and cartoons? What are you- - Little green ghouls, buddy.

#169
Don't write ghouls! I'm not. I'm putting travel.

#170
- Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes? - People's knees.

#171
Come on! Come on! You gotta be kidding. You know what?

#172
We'll make it up. We'll make the whole thing up. Let's get out of here!

#173
We'll doctor the picture. We're not even gonna use you.

#174
Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.

#175
Where are you?

#176
Come on.

#177
Bingo, bitch.

#178
- Hey! - - Hey.

#179
You guys, how are you?

#180
All right, calm down! I'll be two seconds!

#181
Anyway, hi! How are you? What are you doing?

#182
Okay, so listen up. I was thinking since, Brad, you were saying...

#183
how your wedding was gonna be all poor or boring or dull or whatever it was you were...

#184
You said our wedding was gonna be dull? I said it was gonna be small.

#185
Small! Yup, that's exactly what it was.

#186
I was thinking I could help you guys out by throwing you a bachelorette party!

#187
Brad, you can totally come since you guys decided to do that nontraditional mumbo jumbo.

#188
I think we're good. You know what, though.

#189
I kinda would like to meet some of your friends.

#190
Hold on here. Hold on. What am I hearing?

#191
You haven't met some of her great friends?

#192
It's just because this happened really quickly.

#193
Is it a yes or a no? 'Cause you're kinda holding up traffic here. It's- It's rude.

#194
Come on, lady! Well...

#195
Look, I think it sounds great. It sounds like fun. Okay, perfect!

#196
Wonderful! We've got a deal. See you guys tomorrow night, my place, at 8:00.

#197
Bye, Brad. Good to see you.

#198
Okay! Calm down, dick wads! It wasn't that bad!

#199
Deandra, you got any bacon bits?

#200
We like to put 'em in Artemis's hair and they rain down on me when we bang.

#201
I feel like a Cobb salad. It's amazing.

#202
Okay. I have no idea why anyone would want to feel like a Cobb salad.

#203
But whatever, that's good. Bring that up when Brad's here.

#204
All right, Mrs. Mac, make sure that you talk...

#205
about how the waitress looks exactly like you when you were young, right?

#206
You remember that? There's a whole carton of cigarettes in it for you.

#207
Uh, Mrs. Kelly, remember,

#208
this man that I'm bringing over, he wants to steal the love of your son's life away.

#209
Nobody hurts my Charlie!

#210
Yup, that's good. That's good. Keep that up. And keep the drinking coming.

#211
- 'Cause it makes you get all weird. All right, this is- -

#212
Oh, okay. They're here. Is everyone ready? You guys got it? Okay.

#213
There they are!

#214
Sorry we're late. Somebody took a little convincing.

#215
Yup. I really didn't want to come, but Brad insisted.

#216
Oh, you big, old, fat stick in the mud! Come on in, you guys.

#217
They're here, everybody!

#218
- What's up? - Here you go. Would you like some punch?

#219
Is there alcohol in this? No, no, no, no.

#220
No, absolutely not. I remember what an embarrassing problem you have with alcohol.

#221
Brad, did you know about her unfortunate problems with drugs and alcohol?

#222
Isn’t that sad? It's just alcohol.

#223
Is it? And he's aware.

#224
Oh. Really?

#225
I thought there was, like, cocaine and heroin.

#226
And remember when you were shooting up with the homeless people...

#227
and banging for money on the street? No. no.

#228
Wow. You're making all of that up.

#229
Really? Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what?

#230
You're absolutely right. I'm confusing you with another pathetic drunk that I know.

#231
So you can still have fun, can't you, Brad? I can. I...

#232
Let's get a beer. Okay.

#233
Whoo-hoo. You look really nice tonight.

#234
You like that? You like that?

#235
The color of this shirt. I don't know what it's doing to your eyes, but I like it.

#236
- All right, listen. You gotta be on your toes tonight, okay? - ##

#237
This chick's a lawyer. She's gonna be pretty sharp.

#238
Stick to the game plan, okay? She's a lawyer. I like that.

#239
He's sweating through his shirt, dude. I know.

#240
Listen, you remember your backstory?

#241
No? Oh, for God's sakes! What is that?

#242
I don't remember the backstory. All right, listen, man. You're a philanthropist.

#243
That's what you are, okay? You used to own a small business.

#244
But you gave all that up to help others. All right, who do I help?

#245
Who am I helping? Oh, God.

#246
It doesn't matter. I don't know, old people, uh, children, autistics, dyslexic folks.

#247
It really doesn't matter, Charlie. I'm a full on re...

#248
Ph-Philio- Philian- Philanthropist.

#249
Dude, I can't get it. How do you say it? What is it?

#250
Philanthropist! Meet us in the bathroom.

#251
Oh, my God, dude! What is that? What was that?

#252
Is that cheese? Have you eaten cheese?

#253
How much cheese have you eaten today?

#254
How much cheese is too much cheese?

#255
Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!

#256
I had a lot of cheese. I had a block of cheese.

#257
Okay, okay- You ate a block of cheese today?

#258
I was very nervous. I started eating cheese, man.

#259
All right. All right, all right. Does that calm you down?

#260
Just don't breathe in her direction, okay? Whatever you do.

#261
How do I look? Relax.

#262
Stick to the game plan. Do I look handsome?

#263
You look great.

#264
Okay. So I thought we would play a game.

#265
Sort of a newlywed-type of game. And see how well you two know each other, okay?

#266
Okay, question number one.

#267
Who broke Brad's heart in high school and feels really bad about it?

#268
Me. I broke Brad's heart in high school and I feel really bad about it. Okay?

#269
Wait. You went to high school with us?

#270
Yeah. I sat right next to you in trig.

#271
Huh! Wow. You are very forgettable.

#272
Anyway, I will have you all know that I also broke Brad's heart in high school. So...

#273
You dated Dee? Mmm.

#274
Briefly. Yeah.

#275
- We dated hard, yep. - Both you girls dumped him because of his pizza face.

#276
Ooh! Okay. Question number two.

#277
How many people in the room have had sex with the bride-to-be?

#278
Uh, just me I hope.

#279
- Ooh. - Whoops. Uh-uh. Over here, guy.

#280
Ew! Okay, you know what?

#281
That was a- That was a really dark time in my life, and it was a terrible mistake.

#282
No, it's true. To be fair, it's true. She's in love with my brother.

#283
They have a sex tape together. This guy came along- No.

#284
I used to look like her. Give me my cigarettes.

#285
Okay, I- I didn't tell you to go. I didn't give you the high sign.

#286
Everybody's stealing my Charlie, girl!

#287
- Oh! What the hell! - Okay, Brad. I think it's time for us to go.

#288
We're gonna leave. All right.

#289
Wait, no. No, no, no, no, Brad. No, don't leave yet. I'm sorry.

#290
Hold on. No, no, don't leave. Oh, you bitch!

#291
Oh! Goddamn it! I should be the one getting married!

#292
This is depressing. Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom? Sure do.

#293
No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!

#294
Okay. We'll go get sweaty in a Wendy's bathroom.

#295
Great! Go have sex at Wendy's! Go for a ride.

#296
Wonderful! Get out of here!

#297
- This party sucks! - You suck!

#298
- I need a ride. - Oh, really? Well, I ain't giving you shit, you old bitch!

#299
- - Oh, my God, no! You can't borrow salad dressing!

#300
Or condiments! Or anything else you two want to jam up into each other's...

#301
I, uh- I forgot something.

#302
Oh. What?

#303
I forgot to tell you...

#304
I still love you.

#305
Hi. Hi.

#306
Are you Charlie Kelly? Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah.

#307
Sorry I'm late. Um- You're Jackie.

#308
Yes, I am. Are you all right?

#309
Oh, yeah, this? I was running.

#310
Okay, because y-you're bleeding. Oh, shit.

#311
Is it bleeding again? I'm sorry.

#312
These are hornet stings, you know?

#313
I run into, like- like a lot of, like, hornets in my line of work.

#314
And I get stung up, like, bad all over my face and stuff.

#315
And then, you know, it starts bleeding. Oh.

#316
It sounds interesting. Yeah.

#317
What is it that you do again?

#318
I'm work- I'm like a janitor at, um...

#319
I'm a full-on rapist, you know?

#320
Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing.

#321
I'm sorry. Did you say you're a full-on rapist?

#322
No! Did I say that? No! No, no, no, no!

#323
I help- I help people. You know what I mean? I'm...

#324
I'm a philan- a philan- a philan...

#325
A philanthropist? Yeah! That's exactly what it is.

#326
It gets blocked up in my mouth. I don't say it no good, so...

#327
I'm a janitor at a bar.

#328
Oh, God, dude! I'm sucking ass!

#329
Yeah, dude. You said you were a rapist!

#330
I went crazy in the brain for a second!

#331
Yeah. And my eyes were all like, uh- And I couldn't think straight.

#332
That shirt is ruined. I know, dude. Give me your shirt.

#333
What? Give you- That's a totally different shirt.

#334
Yeah. Can I- How the hell are you gonna explain that to her?

#335
I'll say I met a nice guy in the bathroom and we traded shirts!

#336
Are you listening to yourself? Jesus Christ!

#337
I'm freaking out, dude. Okay, new plan. New plan. New plan.

#338
Charlie, make a move. Just tell her you want to bang her.

#339
Ooh. No, that's- Is that how you get chicks? Well, he's got a 50-50 shot.

#340
- That's a good point! - It is a yes-or-no scenario.

#341
It is a no scenario! Why?

#342
Don't approach her that way. That's not gonna work. Am I getting the shirt?

#343
You're not gonna get the shirt. This is what you're gonna do.

#344
Go back out there. Start asking her questions about herself.

#345
Talk to her about being a lawyer, okay? I can do that.

#346
Right? Right? That's gonna work.

#347
If anything goes wrong, I'll come out there, I'll say I'm the manager of Gugino's.

#348
Do you understand? Okay.

#349
All right? I got it. I know. I understand it.

#350
You good? We'll be good.

#351
All right, great.

#352
Just go. Just get out there. Just go. Yeah.

#353
Hey, I'm sorry about that. It took a little while.

#354
There was a guy in the bathroom. He wouldn't give me his shirt. And I was fighting him.

#355
I'm, like, "Give me your shirt, bro. " And he didn't want to give it to me.

#356
- And it was like a whole thing. - Uh, uh, uhh!

#357
Hi. Uh, I'm the manager. And Mr. Kelly is one of our preferred customers.

#358
It's so wonderful to see you here again this evening. Right. My good man.

#359
Now I'm gonna want the milk steak boiled over hard...

#360
and a side of your finest jellybeans, raw.

#361
Mr. Kelly, you have the most wonderful sense of humor.

#362
Hey, I own this joint. And I know this guy. And he is loaded.

#363
Mr. Kelly, we have your milk boiling just the way you like it back there for your steak.

#364
You're gonna like this. How's about I clear out the coat room...

#365
and you guys hit it in there while the steak is getting ready?

#366
- What? - What in the hell are you doing?

#367
I got this. He's gonna be aggressive.

#368
I've got this. Charlie, make a move. Maul.

#369
No, don't- Oh, my God!

#370
- What are you doing? - I'm leaving!

#371
You're grabbing her breasts? What are you doing?

#372
I don't know. What does "make a move" mean?

#373
It doesn't mean stab at her breasts with your fingers. Oh, man!

#374
Come on, bro. You're ordering milk steak and jellybeans? What the hell?

#375
Come on, you guys blew it, dude! We blew it?

#376
I told you to stick with the game plan! It was going great! I had it!

#377
You don't know shit about chicks, man!

#378
- We don't know shit about chicks? - Yeah!

#379
Well, guess what, bro. The waitress is getting married. So suck on that!

#380
I see.

#381
Well, I suppose I'll be taking that milk steak to go then.

#382
Yeah. And so the Wendy's manager is all, "You gotta clean that up!"

#383
And I said, "They're your hamburgers. You clean 'em up."

#384
And then Artemis got all bummed out...

#385
because of something I did with the onions to myself.

#386
And now she won't talk to me. Frank, I don't give a shit about any of this.

#387
Hey, man, where's the baseball bat?

#388
Baseball bat in the corner. Oh.

#389
We're trying to arm ourselves 'cause Charlie's gonna be here any minute,

#390
and he might take us out, so...

#391
Oh, don't worry about Charlie. Charlie's over this.

#392
In fact, I saw him this morning. He said he was bringing the guy a congratulatory gift.

#393
Really? Yeah.

#394
Oh, great.

#395
Hey, what's- what's, uh- what's this?

#396
This is for your engagement, man. You're a lucky, lucky dude.

#397
And, uh, congratulations to you. Oh, right.

#398
No, no, no. That's not happening anymore. We're not, uh- We're not engaged.

#399
You're not getting married? Nah.

#400
Oh! You're Charlie Kelly, right?

#401
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you from high school.

#402
Hang on a second, dude. You're not getting married?

#403
Well-

#404
Remember how everybody used to make fun of us in high school?

#405
I remember how they made fun of you.

#406
Anyway, I have been getting my revenge.

#407
I've been getting engaged to all these chicks who broke up with me in high school...

#408
'cause of my acne, and then I dump 'em right before the wedding.

#409
Damn.

#410
Yeah. I just got through doing it to that coffee shop waitress.

#411
Now I'm gonna do it to this chick Dee Reynolds. Remember her?

#412
She was the worst. Yeah.

#413
Uh, so that coffee shop waitress, she must've been hurt kinda bad by that though, right?

#414
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was- She was devastated.

#415
Oh. So...

#416
Well, tell you what, man. Why don't you go ahead and have this present anyway?

#417
Really? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like you deserve it.

#418
Well, thanks, dude. Yeah.

#419
That's- That's rad. All right. Okay.

#420
Well, keep it real, man. Okay. Okay.

#421
All right.

#422
ENGLISH - US - PSDH

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