Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E11 — Thunder Gun Express

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 11 — Thunder Gun Express

#1
- Dennis, do you have the tickets? - Yes, affirmative.

#2
I got the tickets online, and I got the last ones.

#3
- Charlie, you got booze? - Tell me what you think.

#4
I think that's enough booze to last the whole movie, right?

#5
- Yes. - We're good. We're good.

#6
- Dee, time? - Uh, we have just about a half hour.

#7
Precisely, you bitch!

#8
- I need to know precisely. - 28 minutes! I'm sorry.

#9
- Twenty-eight minutes, okay... - Ugh, the city is like a zoo.

#10
I mean, traffic jam like you wouldn't believe.

#11
Obama's got the whole thing congested.

#12
Oh, goddamn it, Mac.

#13
I told you there was gonna be traffic, dude.

#14
I forgot about Obama!

#15
We still have time.

#16
No, but, dude, traffic's gonna jam us up, man.

#17
No, no, no. We can make it, okay? I didn't think that many...

#18
Time for what? Time for what? Where are you going?

#19
We're gonna go see Thunder Gun Express, man.

#20
You know what I'm talking about.

#21
- What the shit is a thunder gun? - Are you crazy?

#22
Dude, it's like the greatest movie ever made.

#23
It's about this warrior from a post-apocalyptic underground society

#24
who has to travel back in time to save his lover

#25
- from an evil robot army. - Ooh.

#26
"No hesitation. No surrender."

#27
"No man left behind!"

#28
It's like the biggest movie in America.

#29
Whoa, that sounds the tits. I'm in.

#30
- No. - How? How?

#31
- You do not have a ticket. - Yeah.

#32
- You didn't buy me a ticket? - I'm sorry. What am I, your daddy?

#33
Yeah, I don't just buy tickets for people. I mean...

#36
Oh, no, no, no, Frank. This is just as much a love story as anything else.

#37
Plus, I hear the guy hangs dong, and I'm very interested in seeing that.

#38
- Me too. - Yeah, he hangs dong.

#39
- Uh-hmm. - What the hell am I gonna do?

#40
Well, get out of the way, 'cause we got to go.

#41
- Yeah. Clock's ticking. - Yeah. Go! Let's go.

#42
Thunder Gun!

#43
This blows, dude! Drive faster.

#44
Drive faster? Where would you like for me to go?

#45
I'm surrounded by cars, Charlie.

#46
It's all these goddamn immigrants come in to see Obama.

#47
And none of them have any insurance. That's why they drive so slow.

#48
Why are you even here? The movie is sold out.

#49
I'm gonna scalp a ticket.

#50
Oh, shit!

#51
I didn't bring my wallet.

#53
I ain't giving you shit.

#54
All right, I'll sneak in. I sneak in all the time.

#55
I hope we get there in time to sit together. I don't like to split up.

#56
Don't worry about it. If we get split up,

#57
we'll just yell over everybody to each other

#58
until they get annoyed with us and switch.

#59
We can call in a bomb threat. That would delay the picture.

#60
That would be very "Thunder Gun."

#61
We're gonna have to do something drastic

#62
if Dennis doesn't figure out a way to drive faster.

#63
Yeah, come on, man.

#64
Where would you like for me to drive?

#65
He misses all of his angles.

#66
Well, you could slide in front of that Prius.

#67
- Go in front of that Prius. - Oh, okay. So, then I'll be stuck

#68
in front of the Prius instead of right next to the Prius.

#69
It's a bigger problem than that, guys. He's slow at everything.

#70
You should see how long it takes him to bang chicks.

#71
Mac, that's because you always try and barge in

#72
so you can see the chicks naked.

#73
Then I have to start the process all over again.

#74
But you waste so much time talking to them

#75
when you should be plowing them.

#76
No, you don't get it. You don't get what I'm...

#77
Look, I'm forging a connection with these women

#78
that will yield for them the most awakening

#79
and unforgettable sexual experience of their lives.

#81
We're gonna miss the movie!

#82
- Yeah, come on. - Hey, Thunder-Gun it up on the curb.

#83
Thunder-Gun it all the way down.

#86
Just calm down. We'll get there.

#87
Well, I'll tell you one thing. I could walk faster than we're moving.

#88
- Right? - Please.

#89
What are you guys doing?

#90
Oh, oh, wait! Get back here, you sons of bitches!

#91
Thunder Gun leaves no man behind!

#92
We'll come back for you!

#93
Are you kidding me? Come on!

#94
- Damn. - Shit.

#95
- All the streets are blocked. - Hey, let's ask this cop.

#96
Excuse me, Officer.

#97
- Uh, we need to get through. - I can't help you.

#98
The street's closed down all the way to Spring.

#99
Yeah, but this is an emergency.

#100
It's not my problem. You gotta go around.

#101
We really gotta...

#102
All right, we gotta find a new point of entry.

#103
Attack the target from a different angle.

#105
No, no, no. We're not terrorists or anything,

#106
we're just... We're trying to get to a movie, Thunder Gun Express.

#107
Oh, Thunder Gun Express, huh?

#108
You better get going.

#109
You don't want to miss one second of that movie.

#110
- Is it that good? - It's the best goddamn movie

#111
I ever seen in my life.

#113
- Oh! - I told them that!

#114
- I told them! - I don't want to miss that!

#115
All right, maybe we take a cab. What about that?

#116
A cab? Dee, don't be a fool! We'll never get a cab out here.

#117
Plus, we'll just sit in traffic like everybody else.

#118
Yeah, we'll be stuck like Dennis.

#119
The trolley!

#120
- Trolley. - We can make it, Frank. Come on!

#121
- Yes. - No surrender, baby!

#122
Come on!

#124
- Come on, you can make it. - I'm coming.

#126
No, hop off!

#127
Hop. Don't leave me here!

#129
You bastards!

#130
"Take too long..."

#132
Look, screw you, Mac. I don't take that long.

#133
I'll show you who takes too long.

#134
Son of a bitch. Let's see.

#135
We got Amanda. We got Brenda.

#136
Ah! Allison.

#137
Let's find out if Allison thought that I... That I took too long.

#138
It's too bad the museum is closed on Wednesdays.

#139
I know.

#140
I guess we can hang out here and get to know each other instead.

#141
This is a good one.

#142
ALLISON What's with all the locks?

#143
DENNIS I want you to feel safe.

#144
So, your father took off when you were pretty young, huh?

#145
- That must have been difficult. - Yeah.

#146
Yeah, I could probably speed things up a little bit. I mean...

#147
Thanks very much. Careful now.

#148
There you go. Watch your step, ladies. Very good. Thank you.

#149
Hey, guy, can you... Can you take me up the river?

#150
- I gotta get a mile up the river. - Tour is $15.

#151
I left my wallet at home. I only got a quarter to my name.

#152
Look, I can't help you, pal.

#153
All right, folks.

#154
Everybody, take your seats. I'll be right back.

#155
We'll get this tour under way, okay? Hang in there.

#156
I swear, I'll take care of you when I get up there.

#157
Sorry, dude.

#158
Hi. I'm your new captain, Frank.

#159
I'm gonna take you up the river. Okay? Here we go.

#160
What happened to Captain Tom?

#161
Uh, Captain Tom turned out to be a goddamn junkie.

#162
Hang on.

#163
Oh!

#164
Whoo!

#165
- You're, you're going too fast. - Huh?

#166
- Too fast. - It's the fast tour.

#167
It's the quick one.

#168
Quick tour.

#169
Why aren't you telling us what anything is?

#170
Like what?

#171
What is that building over there?

#172
Uh, that's a big building.

#173
It's a brick building. Red brick building.

#174
I don't know what the hell it is. It's an old building.

#175
Can you please use microphone? Very difficult for people to hear in back.

#176
- Oh. Oh, the microphone. - Okay?

#177
Okay.

#178
- All right. - Hold on, hold on, hold on.

#179
- You hear that? - Yeah.

#180
Okay. Well, we're on the Schuylkill river,

#181
and, uh, it's home to many, uh, weird, fish-like creatures.

#182
And also the depository of, uh...

#183
all of the unsolved crimes and murders in Philadelphia.

#184
Yeah.

#185
That trolley kicked ass.

#186
We're just, like, a couple blocks from the theater, I think.

#187
Yeah! Thunder Gun himself would have been proud of that move.

#188
Of course he'd be proud. We didn't hesitate. We didn't surrender.

#189
Yeah. We did leave a couple men behind though.

#190
That's true.

#191
But we didn't hesitate to leave those men behind.

#192
Yeah. Plus, I hung dong on the trolley. You guys missed that.

#193
Nah, I didn't miss it. I saw it. I chose to ignore it.

#196
If Thunder Gun's dong looks like that, we should all get our money back.

#197
Yeah, I'm walking out of the movie.

#198
It was more of a ding than a dong, really.

#199
I got a lot of "good ones" and thumbs up and...

#200
- Aw. - Goddamn it!

#202
What would Thunder Gun do right now?

#203
Oh, shit. Okay, listen. Hear me out.

#204
Let's fire down that sewer. Frank and I do it all the time.

#205
I know my way around. We'll be over there in a jiff.

#206
Uh, I don't know.

#207
Sewer, huh? All right, let's do it.

#209
No, no, no. Our clothes will get soaking wet.

#210
It's gonna ruin the whole movie.

#213
That is what it is.

#214
No, it isn't. It has nothing to do with it.

#215
Look, sewers are disgusting, that's why.

#216
Your big fat body is what's disgusting.

#217
And you're embarrassed about it.

#218
We are not going in the sewer, and that is final.

#219
- Oh. Oh, yeah? - Aw.

#220
- Aw. - No, guys. Guys.

#223
Here I come. Here I come.

#224
Oh, wait.

#225
Oh. You know what?

#227
Looks like you're stuck, huh?

#228
Well, uh, yeah. So, my, my muscles stop me from gaining access, but...

#229
Sorry, Mac.

#230
Why... Why don't you guys come out, and then...

#231
I'll tell you what. We'll come back for you.

#232
Yeah.

#233
That's what I told Dennis and Frank, and I was lying!

#235
You sons of bitches!

#236
Oh, you sons of bitches!

#237
You sons of...

#238
Out of the way, you fat dickhead.

#239
All right, think. Think. Think.

#240
Think.

#241
No surrender. No surrender!

#242
Shitty bike.

#243
You seem cold.

#244
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable under the covers.

#245
Now, we're talkin'. Okay, Allison. All right.

#246
Hey, hey, guys.

#247
DENNIS What are you...

#248
- Mac, can we help you? - Goddamn Mac.

#249
MAC Oh, I thought I heard you call my name.

#250
DENNIS I did not call your name.

#251
Oh, okay.

#252
Well, I'll be right outside if you need anything.

#253
DENNIS We're not gonna need anything, okay?

#254
In fact, go ahead and leave the keys in here.

#255
Now I have to re-demonstrate my value, so that's gonna increase the time. Uh...

#256
ALLISON I think I need to be getting home.

#257
My mom is gonna start to worry.

#258
DENNIS Wait. Your mom? How old are you?

#259
- 16. - 16?

#260
- No, just... - Whoa, shit. That's not good.

#261
Why do I still have this tape?

#262
That's ridiculous.

#263
Oh!

#264
Goddamn it.

#265
Shit!

#266
Well, now, this is an interesting development.

#267
I gotta say, Charlie, this sewer is pretty gross,

#268
but it's not nearly as gross as I thought it was gonna be.

#269
No, it's not bad now, but, like, any minute,

#270
like, a wall of water could just come gushing through here.

#271
- So, we should keep moving. - Wait. Wall of water?

#272
Yeah. Well, you know, it's not just water.

#273
It's, like, dog shit and street sludge.

#274
You know, they divert it to different channels throughout the day.

#275
- Oh, my God. - You know, it's sewage. It's sewage.

#276
- Yeah. - Oh, you know what, Dee? Dee?

#277
Can we get naked really quick?

#278
- No. - Oh, right. Do you mind if I do?

#279
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

#280
Well, see the thing is, like, if a wall of water comes through,

#281
it's actually pretty sweet to be naked,

#282
'cause then you can hold your clothes up.

#283
You know, and then that piss and shit just kind of flows over you.

#284
- Mmm-hmm. - It's more refreshing than you think.

#285
And then you have dry clothes afterwards.

#286
It's a lot better than having the, the sewage on your clothes.

#287
I understand and I'm a little relieved,

#288
but it's still not good enough for me,

#289
so I'm going to keep my clothes on.

#290
Oh, look at Queen Dee, who's too good

#291
to get naked with her buddy all of a sudden.

#292
Okay, I don't... Why are you making it about that?

#293
I just... I didn't wanna... you know what?

#294
This is a preposterous conversation we're having.

#295
This is a functional conversation.

#296
- This is a preposterous conversation. - This is not a sexual thing!

#297
- You know what, let's just go. - Let's just go.

#298
There's no walls of water. Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#299
Shit. My shoe's stuck.

#300
Well, pull it out.

#301
If I could pull it out, would it be stuck?

#302
- Take your shoe off. - I'm not gonna take my shoe off

#303
and walk around barefoot in this disgusting sewer.

#304
Oh, the queen again, everyone. The queen speaks!

#305
Shut up. Shut up. Charlie, we don't have time for this.

#306
I have an idea though.

#307
Why don't you take your shoes off and give them to me?

#308
- No, you'll stretch mine out. - No, come on, Charlie.

#309
You were fine taking all your clothes off

#310
- and walking around in this gross place. - Dee, you'll stretch them out.

#311
All right, Charlie, stop screwing around, okay?

#312
- We're gonna Miss the movie. - No, we're...

#313
You're right.

#314
Where are you going? What are you doing?

#315
- I'll come back for you. - No. No.

#316
- I'll come back for you. - Don't you do that.

#317
Don't you... Charlie, get back here right now!

#318
Goddamn it! Oh, goddamn it!

#319
Aw, man! Come on. Come on.

#320
Come on!

#321
What was that?

#322
What was that? Charlie?

#323
Is that the wall of water?

#324
No, Charlie. Charlie, I hear the wall of water!

#325
Come back for me!

#326
Oh, no, no, no.

#327
Come on. Come on!

#328
Oh.

#329
So, they'll send a tow truck and everything?

#330
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about that. Tow truck is on its way.

#331
- See you were born 1985. - Si.

#332
Yeah. So, everything checks out there. Beautiful.

#333
Oh, it's so cool that you own a chain of auto-body repair shops.

#334
I wish I knew how to fix cars.

#335
Oh, yeah, auto-body repair has always been a bit of a passion of mine.

#336
I also invented Facebook with the Winklevoss twins.

#337
- Really? - Yeah, yeah. Zuckerberg didn't do shit.

#338
Yeah, he really screwed us on that one.

#339
But I got some hush money, so it's all good.

#340
It's all good.

#341
But, uh, I don't want to waste any more time here, so...

#342
No man left behind!

#343
Goddamn it, Mac.

#344
What the hell are you doing here?

#345
I came back for you like I said I would, like Thunder Gun does.

#346
- Who's the brown girl? - Uh, Elena.

#347
We got into a bit of a fender bender.

#348
She was on her way to see Thunder Gun too.

#349
What are the odds of that, huh?

#350
I've seen it twice already. Oh, it's amazing.

#351
What's with the helmet, bro?

#352
- Pretty cool, huh? - Ah, esta bonito.

#353
Dude, the helmet is sweet as shit. It's very Thunder Gun.

#354
Yeah. I'm going to wear it during the movie.

#355
- Looks like traffic is clearing up, huh? - Yeah, it does.

#356
All right. Punch it.

#357
Uh, Charlie and I we go down the sewer

#358
and first thing we do is, to preserve our clothes, we take...

#359
take our clothes off.

#360
We get totally naked because you don't want to get wet.

#361
We ball our clothes up.

#362
We stick them up someplace high.

#363
There's this waitress who Charlie's in love with,

#364
and, uh, I banged her.

#365
Charlie got really upset when I banged the waitress.

#366
Uh, but it was a lot of fun. She was a nice piece of ass.

#367
We don't know who you're talking about.

#368
Charlie. He's my buddy. We sleep together. We hang out together.

#369
Once I pooped in the bed. I blamed it on him.

#370
One time the guys got hooked on crack.

#371
It was really crazy.

#372
Well, they found a baby in a dumpster.

#373
They wanted to make some money with the baby,

#374
but nobody would buy the baby because it was white.

#375
So, they had to turn it brown.

#376
We were fighting over the sword,

#377
and just about when we were about to hit each other with the sword,

#378
social services came in.

#379
Thought we were killing the baby.

#380
I don't understand this tour.

#381
Charlie wrote this musical.

#382
Oh, man, it was really funny.

#383
I played a troll on the musical.

#384
- A troll? - Yeah.

#385
And it's called The Nightman Cometh.

#386
I could sing you my song, if you like.

#387
You gotta... You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole.

#388
I was saying, uh, "Soul." He was saying...

#389
He thought I was saying, "Boy's hole."

#390
One of the things I like doing most is banging whores.

#391
I, uh, I go out and bang a lot of whores.

#392
Yeah.

#393
Listen. Here's the thing.

#394
I'm going to have to jump off here.

#395
So, you guys enjoy the rest of the tour on your own, okay?

#396
How are we supposed to get back to our tour bus?

#397
That's your problem. Welcome to Philly.

#398
No hesitation. Nah, no surrender.

#399
No hesitation. No surrender.

#400
No surrender. No surrender.

#401
No...

#402
Oh, shit!

#403
I surrender.

#404
ANNOUNCER Coming soon to a theater near you...

#405
All right. Okay, there's a nice way to do that.

#406
There's a nice way to do that.

#407
ANNOUNCER From the director that brought you...

#408
Ooh! Ah! That's tart.

#409
This seat taken right here?

#410
- Charlie, you made it. - Hey!

#411
What's up, Mac?

#412
Hey, I got a seat right in the middle, bro.

#413
Aw, dude, that's an awesome helmet, man.

#414
Thanks, dude. Yo, where's Dee?

#415
Uh, she couldn't make it, bro.

#416
Wasn't Thunder Gun enough. How about Dennis?

#417
Oh, yeah, he's here.

#418
He's Thunder-Gunning some Mexican chick in the back.

#419
Nice! So, he's moving a lot faster than usual, huh?

#420
- I think he's getting a hand job. - Oh, I am.

#421
A hand job.

#422
Hey, can you guys, uh, maybe be quiet?

#423
Why don't you switch seats with us if it's bothering you so much?

#424
Just switch seats, you know what I mean? Let's just switch seats.

#425
- Yeah, okay. All right. - That's better.

#426
Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

#427
Dude.

#428
- Squeeze in. Squeeze... - Oh!

#429
- Hey, Dee, you made it. - Yeah, you bet your ass I made it.

#430
My clothes are dry.

#431
You held them over your head?

#432
- Held them over my head. - I told you that water wall was coming.

#433
Excuse me, Miss, but your stench is unbearable.

#434
- It's bad, isn't it? - Yes.

#435
That's shit in my hair, that's why.

#436
If you switch seats, I can be closer to those guys and you...

#437
- Babe, let's get outta here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#438
- You won't smell as much... - Excuse me.

#439
And then you won't hear all the talking and...

#440
Okay. Don't touch me.

#441
- Congratulations. - This is a much better seat.

#442
- All right. So, the water wall came, huh? - Yeah, oh my... It came with a vengeance.

#443
- Dennis is getting a hand job in the back. - Seriously?

#444
- Yeah. - Oh, congratulations.

#445
Well, we're all here.

#446
Except Frank. I wonder where Frank is.

#447
Okay, you got one phone call. Make it quick.

#448
Thank you, ma'am.

#449
MAN This is 911. What is your emergency?

#450
I'd like to, uh, report a bomb threat.

#451
- That does not qualify as being... - Would you shut up?

#452
The movie's about to start.

#453
Can you shut up?

#454
Switch with us if you're getting so upset.

#455
- Fine. - Yeah, why don't you go up there and...

#456
We're having a Thunder-Gun based conversation.

#457
- She has a bad attitude. - Talk about shutting up.

#458
Dennis, you're gonna like these seats.

#459
At a certain point, it's your fault, you know what I mean?

#460
- For not moving. - All right.

#461
This is Elena, everybody.

#462
- Oh! - It's starting. It's starting.

#463
This is going to be badass!

#464
What's going on?

#465
Folks, please don't panic, but we've received a bomb threat.

#466
We ask that you remain calm and exit the theater in an orderly fashion.

#467
Aw.

#468
- Bomb threat? - No.

#469
- Bomb threat? - Oh, shit.

#470
Goddamn it, Frank.

#471
He Thunder-Gunned all of us.

#472
He Thunder-Gunned the shit out of us.

#473
Frank?

#474
- Frank. - Frank.

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