Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E06 — The World Series Defense

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 6 — The World Series Defense

#1
Next case, Mr. Dennis Reynolds.

#2
That's me. Yup, right here.

#3
How are ya?

#4
From October 28th, 2008, to November 1st, 2008,

#5
you were issued a series of parking

#6
citations totaling $1,300.

#8
Oh, uh, these people are here to corroborate my story.

#9
It's a parking violation.

#10
Oh, well, I think you'll find it goes much, much deeper than that.

#11
Yes, lady madam of the court, I do believe that this court

#12
will realize that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal that caused

#13
each and every one of us great physical and emotional trauma.

#14
And what is this ordeal?

#15
The Philadelphia Phillies winning the World Series, your honor.

#16
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".

#17

#18
The World Series Defense

#19
Transcripted on Addic7ed.com by: YesCool, honeybunny, chamallow35, Arcinboldi

#20
www.addic7ed.com

#21

#22
Okay, Mr. Reynolds, on what...

#23
grounds are you contesting... these tickets?

#24
What grounds? Where do we even begin?

#25
On many grounds. Your honor, many, many grounds.

#26
And let the record show... that we are waiving our right to... an attorney.

#27
Just explain to me why you... feel you should not have been...

#28
issued these tickets.

#29
Okay, um, yeah, well, I think...

#30
in order to do that, we should... probably start at the top of the... story.

#31
I know what the story is.

#32
It was game five of the World...

#34
And needless to say, I mean, we... were pumped!

#35

#36

#37
World Series, baby, oh, yeah!

#38
Hello! What's up, fellas?

#39
What's going on, man? Not wearing any colors?

#40
Not supporting the team, dude?

#41
Wearing colors? Why the hell would I be wearing... colors...?

#42
Oh, my God! Today's the World Series. I totally forgot!

#43
Oh, wait a second. What's this?

#44
Boom! I haven't forgot a thang!

#45
Guys, this is one of the few...

#46
times where it is acceptable to be shirtless in a public forum.

#47
So I'm blasting bare chest the whole time. What do you think?

#48
I think you're gonna be cold as shit.

#49
I'm not gonna be cold at all

#50
because I'm gonna be wasted on grain alcohol.

#51
Grain alcohol, baby. Whenever

#52
there's a potential riot, I'm getting blasted on grain alcohol.

#53
Put some of that on my bug bites.

#54
We're not gonna be wasting our fine grain alcohol on your goddamn bug bites, idiots.

#55
Yeah, we need it for pre-gaming.

#56
I am not watching this game sober.

#57
No. What, you want to remember it?

#58
- Charlie... - Back to back.

#59
All right, what's going on with you guys?

#60
We got bedbugs, dude.

#61
Oh, man, the place is infested with them. Some guy brought 'e Haiti.

#62
World Series, bitches! What is up?! Whoomp, there it is!

#63
The plan's still on, right?

#64
Oh, shit, yeah, baby girl, plan is on!

#65
Wait! Time-out! There's a plan?

#66
Oh, there's always a plan, buddy.

#67
Well, tell me about this. What's the plan?

#68
Okay, in the bottom of the ninth

#69
when the Phillies are up by, like,

#70
50 or 60 runs, Dennis and I are gonna start beating the shit out of each other.

#71
Right, which will attract the attention of security.

#72
Yeah, and that's when I run on the field and kiss a player.

#73
And I'm gonna toss out Green man

#74
and run around the field

#75
and go crazy as Green man...

#76
No, don't, don't toss out Green man because in this particular case,

#77
the Phillie phanatic really reigns supreme, okay?

#78
We're talking about the Phillies here. Leave that for other shit.

#79
Are you kidding me?

#80
- Dude, people love that guy. - They love him.

#81
I don't love him! I'm sick of him!

#82
He's got a stranglehold on the Phillie mascot scene,

#83
it's not fair.

#84
I got a pretty good thing going with green man.

#85
I don't see why there can only be one mascot.

#86
Nah, I feel like there's only room for one green idiot

#87
running around making an asshole of himself.

#88
- I can't find the tickets. - What are you talking about?

#89
I don't have the tickets in my pocket.

#90
- What, dude?! - I know exactly where I left them.

#91
I left them on the coffee table in the apartment.

#92
Well, dude, we don't have time to go back to the apartment.

#93
We're not gonna get a good spot for the tailgate.

#94
We gotta get back and get them.

#95
Wait, wait, wait! Dennis, Charlie, why don't you go

#96
to the parking lot, get us a good spot? We'll go get the tickets.

#97
- All right, let's move, man. - I forgot the tickets.

#98
I don't know. All I'm doing is, like, just

#99
making the sandwiches. By the way...

#100
Shut up!

#101
Okay, I think it's important to figure out

#102
which player I want to kiss when I thrust myself out on that field.

#103
I'm going Shane Victorino right now.

#104
Strong choice, but centerfield,

#105
way too far. You'll get you jacked up before you get anywhere close.

#106
Oh! Oh! Balls! Oh, no, they're fumigating

#107
the building for bedbugs!

#108
How did you not know that

#109
were bug-bombing your apartment, bro?

#110
I can't read every flyer that gets slipped under the door!

#111
Jesus Christ...

#112
- Well, now what are we gonna do? - I don't know. We gotta go...

#113
Go get the tickets! Hurry up, hurry up!

#114
I'm not going in there! That's full of toxic smoke.

#115
We'll go buy gas masks.

#116
We don't have time for gas masks! Frank, come on.

#117
It's not that poisonous. Just go really fast.

#118
- Go really fast. - All right.

#119
Jesus Christ.

#120
- Oh, God! My eyes are burning! - Now what?

#121
All right, fine, I'll have to scale the building,

#122
cut a hole in the tent, smash through the window. That'll cut down on occupancy time.

#123
You are not capable of doing that.

#124
I absolutely have the upper-body strength to accomplish that.

#125
- Are you kidding me?! - Goddamn it, Dee! Goddamn it! Will you shut up?!

#126
Calling the boys to tell them we're gonna be late.

#127
They're doing that right now?

#128
All right, keep me posted.

#129
Bro, they are bug-bombing your building right now. They got the whole thing tented.

#130
Those guys can't get in there to get the tickets.

#131
No, there's no way they're gonna. I mean, that's poisonous gas, dude.

#132
- You can't breath that. - Screw 'em, right?

#133
What are you suggesting, maybe we sneak into the game?

#134
I want to get into that game. I don't even want to tailgate anymore, bro.

#135
You're right, we gotta sneak in. All right, we're gonna sneak.

#136
How are we gonna sneak in, though, bro?

#137
The security's gonna be crazy.

#138
There's a couple ways you can do it.

#139
There's a couple ways you can do it.

#140
One, we can take the secret tunnel

#141
that goes from the Holliday Inn into the stadium...

#142
- What the hell are you talking about? - This is common knowledge, bro, there is.

#143
They built a secret tunnel so that the visiting players can

#144
get safely back to the hotel

#145
without the Phillies fans hammering 'em.

#146
We're passionate fans, you know what I mean?

#147
Passionate fans; we gotta hammer someone.

#148
So they got a tunnel for that, really?

#149
Wow. Don't you think there's gonna be security there, too?

#150
There might.

#151
All right, you know what? I got it. We're gonna do a Charlie one-two, all right?

#152
You're gonna do this, okay?

#153
One, you jump in front of a car coming to the stadium.

#154
Two, you say, "I'm gonna sue you if you don't give me tickets."

#155
No! No, that is a terrible plan.

#156
How is that terrible?

#157
Because it involves me getting hit by a car.

#158
You'll be fine, bro. You're drinking riot punch, man.

#159
You bounce right off that thing.

#160
All right, well, it's called the "Charlie one-two,"

#161
you do it.

#162
Well, no, I've done too many, man. I mean, the next one could be my last, bro.

#163
I don't want to get hit by a moving car.

#164
You'll be fine!

#165
This is the World Series, man.

#167
I could die.

#168
You do it.

#169
All right, goddamn it, I'm gonna do it. Let's do it!

#170
One last time. One last time.

#171
Too shitty man. Crappy car.

#172
Yeah, no, you don't want to jump out in front of a shitty car.

#173
We need rich-people tickets, right?

#174
Oh, ooh, this guy. Right here.

#175
- This is good. - Oh, this is going to be a...

#176
Oh, he's going to have such good seats. Go, go, go, go, go.

#177
What are you doing, man?

#178
Bro, that guy was going to have great seats.

#179
Yeah, I felt like I didn't have a good angle.

#180
What do you mean?

#181
You just jump right out in front of it.

#182
This guy will have good seats.

#183
Don't get cold feet on me.

#184
Jump out in front of this guy.

#185
Your honor, so my friend here

#186
pushed me in front of a moving car. No big deal.

#187
Ladies and gentlemen of the court, these were dire times

#188
and dire actions were need to get those tickets.

#189
But we didn't get the tickets, Charlie,

#190
because the guy saw you push me in front of his car.

#191
- Yeah, that's true. - We didn't get the tickets.

#192
So, you guys tried to scam your way into the game by throwing each other

#193
in front of cars with the hopes of extorting tickets from the drivers.

#194
Your honor, let the record show that the three of us

#195
do not condone the actions of the two of them.

#196
The record will show everything. You can stop saying that.

#197
Are you sure? 'Cause she's not typing very quickly.

#198
Shorthand. She's getting the gist.

#199
I don't appreciate being paraphrased.

#200
Now, I choose my words very deliberately.

#201
Get back to your case.

#202
Ok, so, anyway, the three of us are back at their apartment,

#203
trying to get the tickets.

#204
And Mac is scaling the building.

#205
- I can't get a good grip. - Is the grip the problem?

#206
Guys. I found this garden hose, right?

#207
I'm gonna use it to pump fresh air into the building.

#208
And breathe into it like a scuba diver.

#209
- That seems just like it could work. - Let's give it a shot!

#210
Go, go, go.

#211
Ok, how is it?

#212
- What? - I get...

#213
- Yeah? - You're in?

#214
All right. Let's drink in.

#215
All right, Dee.

#216
Skip back to this place and let's have a conversation,

#217
cause I got some... some thoughts.

#218
Yeah I've been thinking about it. Ryan Howard, right?

#219
If it's me I'd go Chase Utley, 100% of the time.

#220
He's a power hitting second baseman, Dee.

#221
Do you know how rare that is in the National League?

#222
Yeah and he's hot,which is like number one on my list...

#223
- Of course he is. - But I really like Ryan Howard.

#224
You kiss Chase Utley and that's it.

#225
Why are you pushing Chase Utley on me,

#226
it's kind of gettin' weird.

#227
Ok, look, I have a plan, all right?

#228
And it involves you getting this letter to him.

#229
When you get out to kiss him.

#230
Now I've given this to Major League Baseball, his lawyer,

#231
his manager, his mom, and he has not gotten back to me.

#232
Which means he hasn't got it yet. So just...

#233
- What's in this letter? - That's none of your business, right?

#234
Just get it to Chase.

#235
Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley?

#236
In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him,

#237
but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of it, ok?

#238
There's nothing sexual, or...

#239
- Ok, that sound good. Let's read it. - Yeah, read it!

#240
Dear Chase... Oh shit, there are stickers!

#241
My God, this is good.

#242
- I wanna make it pop! - You sure do.

#243
"Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase

#244
because you and me are so much alike".

#245
Really?

#246
I would love to meet you someday.

#247
It would be great to have a catch.

#248
I know I can't throw as fast as you

#249
but I think you'd be impressed with my speed.

#250
I love your hair, you run fast.

#251
Did you have a good relationship with your father?

#252
Me neither.

#253
These are all things we can talk about, and more.

#254
I know you've been not gettin' my letters

#255
because I know you'd write back if you did.

#256
And I hope you write back this time

#257
and we get to be good friends.

#258
I am sure our relationship

#259
will be a real Home Run".

#260
If you read it out of context...

#261
There's no right context.

#262
- Strip that from the record please. - No, put it on the record.

#263
That one stays on the record.

#264
- Can we get back to your case? - Let's move on.

#265
- Shall we move on? - Yes let's move on.

#266
Sorry about that, your honor.

#267
My God! Wow!

#268
Ok, who were you looking to accomplish with this?

#269
I'm hoping that he reads the letter

#270
and realizes that he's always one of the younger brother...

#271
Younger broth... oh oh oh oh oh!

#272
The guy is like five years younger than you, you know that, right?

#273
Is he really?

#274
Yeah... oh, shit!

#275
The hose is gone!

#276
- Oh God! - Oh shit!

#277
He's in there, breathing the poison.

#278
We gotta get those tickets, I gotta get to Chase!

#279
- God damn it. - Ok, all right.

#280
The poison is so thick!

#281
This hall is really bad.

#282
There he is.

#283
Let's go get him.

#284
- Frank. - Frank.

#285
Where are the tickets?

#286
Leave me here to die!

#287
Come on, where are the goddamn tickets?

#288
I can't find them.

#289
- I left them on the coffee table. - Take them.

#290
The bastards took them.

#291
Oh, God!

#292
- Hey, how are you feeling, buddy?

#293
I'm in a great deal of pain, Charlie.

#294
I was just blasted by a car.

#295
Yeah I know, you got cream, but check it out.

#296
I got you soft pretzel!

#297
Screw your goddamn soft pretzel, you son of a bitch!

#298
I might be bleeding internally.

#299
Dude, that's the Phillie Phanatic up there man!

#300
Maybe I'll go toss and chop with him a little Green Man,

#301
and he gets us in the game dude! The Phanatic!

#302
Phillie Phanatic, Phillie Phanatic!

#303
Huge fan man, seriously, big time...

#304
Are you serious?

#305
All right, seriously, man to man, mascotte to mascotte.

#306
I was wondering maybe if you could help me gettin' in the game.

#307
Maybe hop me up with Green Man routine,

#308
we do it in the stadium together.

#309
I'm trying to talk to you. I'm trying to have a conversation...

#310
You're belly bumping me, all right?

#311
All right. I'll give you...

#312
All right, don't big-league me now, here, man.

#313
Look, I'm trying to have a conversation with the man behind the mask,

#314
I feel like you're big-leaguing me, dude. Are you taking me seriously?

#315
That guy is beating on the Phanatic.

#316
- Look, is it a hate crime? - No, it's not a hate crime.

#317
Wanna hammer us in there anyway?

#318
Definitely.

#319
Yo, Dennis?

#320
Yo, buddy, what are you doing dude?

#321
- God damn it! - What happened to you?

#322
Charlie pushed me in front of a goddamn car,

#323
- that's what happened. - You look terrible.

#324
Why are your eyes all filled with blood?

#325
On account of the poison.

#326
Yeah, dude, where were you going? We got to get to the stadium.

#327
Look, it's starting to get packed.

#328
Just forget about it, okay? It's impossible to get in that stadium, trust me.

#329
Take my word for it.

#330
We got to get in so Dee can kiss Chase Utley...

#331
Well, how the hell are you planning on getting in there, Mac?

#332
Uh... you put me on the spot. First thing that comes to my head... scaling the facade.

#333
All right, I know I soured on that earlier, but I believe that that is my mind

#334
- telling me that I have it in me. - Okay, I hate to tell you this, bro,

#335
but you do not have the core strength to scale the facade of citizens bank.

#336
- You just don't. - What?! I work out all the time!

#337
Yeah, but you only work out your glamour muscles, and you know it.

#338
- I work out my core. - No, you do not work out your core.

#339
You're totally arm-heavy. You're all bis and tris and everything else is just fat

#340
- and... and ribs. - Bro,

#341
I can do way more push-ups than you, and that's, like, 16

#342
- different muscle groups, I think. - That is beyond retarded, what you're saying right now.

#343
I can do way more push-ups than you, even though I was just hit by a car.

#344
1... 2... 3...

#345
4... 5... 6...

#346
7... 8... 9...

#347
All right, enough. Stop it.

#348
All right.

#349
But you get my point, your honor.

#350
And you could see that Mac was slowing down at the end there, and let the record

#351
show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles.

#352
No! That's... that's bullshit. I did, like, three more than you!

#353
- Yeah, but... - Put that on the record, put that on the record!

#354
Uh, strike that from the record. I don't think you did three more.

#355
You saw it. She saw it.

#356
I need... ...this story to come to an end, soon.

#357
Okay, fair enough, your honor. I will bring the story to a close very soon.

#358
Okay, so, let me pick up where we left off.

#359
Uh, we were, we were at the parking lot,

#360
and I had just punched him in the face for cheating, like he just tried to do right here in the courtroom.

#361
Stop handing me papers.

#362
- Why did you hammer my nose, bro? - I hammered your nose because you disqualified me

#363
- for no good reason. - 'Cause you had bad form, dude!

#364
- What are you talking about? - You were slowing down,

#365
- and you just tried to... - That's bullshit.

#366
- Charlie, who hammered you? - Just some overly passionate Phillies fans.

#367
You getting hammered by philly fans is reminding me of something.

#368
There is a secret tunnel between the stadium and the Holliday inn.

#369
- I know, dude! I was telling this guy about the tunnel. - No, that's not true.

#370
They built it 'cause phillies fans hammer people all the time!

#371
That's a known tunnel.

#372
- Everybody knows about the tunnel. - All right, well, let's give the tunnel a shot, then.

#373
- We got nothing to lose. - It's starting, it's starting!

#374
Hear that shit?!

#375
I hear it. It seems like it's gonna rain.

#376
Don't ever disqualify me again for a bullshit reason. I'll hammer you again.

#377
Was your form off?

#378
- Try to look inconspicuous. - Inconspicuous?

#379
We all look like we've been in a terrible fight, Frank.

#380
Everybody in here looks like they've been in a terrible fight.

#381
These two ladies are in the middle of a terrible fight right now.

#382
Philly fans are brutal.

#383
There's the elevator! Go.

#384
All right, which way is it, dude? Which way?

#385
Uh, let's try this way.

#386
The game is about to start, and this damn thing is not giving me a signal.

#387
Damn it, I don't know if I'm on board with this plan, man.

#388
I don't know, I might just go up to the hotel bar and watch it up there

#389
and then join the riot afterwards.

#390
If we can't go to the game, we should at least be able to watch it somewhere.

#391
We're getting in the game, all right?!

#392
Just hurry up.

#393
All right, hang on a second. This looks good down here. Bingo.

#394
Look at this little room. This has got to be something, right?

#395
All right, here we go.

#397
- All right, check behind the shelves and shit. - Why?

#398
Cause in ScoobyDoo, secret tunnels are always behind shelves.

#399
There's gonna be one.

#400
Could we not base our decisions on what does and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby doo?

#401
God damn, let's go out to the bar before the game ends!

#402
- Yeah, let's go. - Come on.

#403
- Shit, it's locked. - What?

#404
- It's locked! - No!

#405
- Hey! - Hey!

#406
Guys!

#407
Check this out!

#408
No!

#409
- Holy shit! - All right!

#410
- Is it really? - This is the way.

#411
It's dark in here but it sounds like it's a tunnel.

#412
- It's dark as hell in here! - I can't see anything!

#413
- It stings! - Hang on, hang on...

#414
I found a light...

#415
Stop it! Come on, now!

#416
Are you tellin' me you all found a dungeon at the bottom of the Holiday Inn?

#417
- No, no. - No.

#418
I just added that last part to the end there to despise the story up

#419
'cause, for being honest, it can't seem like you were losing it for a bit.

#420
- Yeah you weren't paying attention. - But now you are.

#421
B... but the point is, we did get stuck in that linen closet for six days.

#422
Yes, we did. And as you know, there was a rain delay on the game, so...

#423
Yeah, we missed the game, we missed the riot, we missed the parade, we missed everything.

#424
Yeah, and the only way we got out is some maid came after six days to get fresh towels.

#425
Yeah, how does a hotel not run out of towels for six days?

#426
Let the record show that we question that hotel's sanitation procedures.

#427
- Absolutely, abs... - It's a filthy place.

#428
And while we were stuck in that tiny little room for six days,

#429
surviving only on sink water and peppermint candies and what little bit of riot punch we had left at that point,

#430
my car accumulated the massive amount of parking tickets that brings us before you today.

#431
So, I submit to you, your honor, that not only should I be excused of those parking tickets, but I think I'm...

#432
- we're really owed compensation for the entire ordeal. - Oh yeah?

#433
- Cause we went through some shit. - Is that it?

#434
- Think that about covers the bases, yeah. - Good.

#435
Because I do not find that your story excuses your behavior.

#436
In fact, it actually seems like you committed a litany of additional crimes in the process.

#437
I order you to pay the original fine.

#438
- Next case. - Well, I didn't want to do this, but...

#439
I'm calling kangaroo court on this court.

#440
A kangaroo court. It's a kangaroo court.

#441
And you know what?

#442
I'm gonna toss in my countersuit,

#443
"Charlie Kelly versus the Major League Baseball and the Phillie Frenetic."

#444
- No, come on. - Don't do it, Charlie.

#445
He's got a stranglehold on the mascot scene!

#446
All right, first of all, I had to call him the frenetic.

#447
His name's the Phanatic, but, you know, I'm gonna get sued by Major League Baseball

#448
if I call him the Phanatic. And let's talk about steroids!

#449
Can we talk about steroids?! Can we talk about steroid abuse?!

#450
It's bullshit! It's ruining the game!

« Prev Page 1 of 1 Next » Back to Search