Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E07 — The Gang Wrestles for the Troops

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 7 — The Gang Wrestles for the Troops

#1
Hulk Hogan hammering away!

#2
Get him, Hulk! Come on, Hulk!

#3
Ohh! Hulk's the man.

#4
I have a question though. What's going on with Hulk Hogan's hair?

#5
It's blond, and yet it's silken like that of a Chinese man.

#6
Ah. Yes. That is Hulk Hogan's signature look...

#7
blond Chinese hair and the skin of a hot dog.

#8
It's awesome. The whole thing's fake, but it's really awesome.

#9
Fake? What the hell are you talking about? It's not fake.

#10
Those guys got bashed and bloodied.

#11
I've seen guys get pounded in the ring. It's still fake though.

#12
Charlie, Charlie. I was there once.

#13
I saw a guy pick up a trash can, smash it into a guy's head.

#14
- Blood went everywhere. - Okay, what is going on here?

#15
Oh, yeah. Right here he's going into a state of Hulkamania.

#16
When he's like this, nothing can hurt him. Okay?

#17
It's like a seizure of strength. Yeah. Yeah.

#18
What do we got here? "Hey, sexy, I can't get you out of my mind."

#19
Who's that addressed to? Who's Soldier of Fortune?

#20
He's just this guy I've been chatting online with, whatever.

#21
Oh, so that would make you Desert Rose? Yes, it would.

#22
Wow. What a couple of losers.

#23
Oh! Oh, really? Well, this loser that you're referring to...

#24
happens to be an American soldier in Iraq.

#25
Back it up. Don't joke about that. I'm not joking.

#26
- Are you serious? - I'm dead serious.

#27
And his platoon's coming home this weekend, and we're gonna hang out together,

#28
so suck on that.

#29
I feel terrible. You should.

#30
I feel terrible too, 'cause he's gonna come back from Iraq,

#31
and he's gonna find out that he's been chattin' with...

#32
No. That's no good.

#33
There's a high suicide rate for these guys.

#34
He's gonna be crushed. This is emblematic of a bigger problem, guys.

#35
I don't think people are proud to be Americans anymore.

#36
Not like we were in the '80s.

#37
In the '80s, we were so patriotic.

#38
When Hogan was doing his thing...

#39
and we were killing Iranians or whatever, we were proud.

#40
There's no fanfare. There's no parades. Oh, yeah.

#41
- Girls are tricking troops on the Internet. - Nobody's tricking anybody.

#42
We gotta do something about this,

#43
'cause people just aren't showing their appreciation for these guys.

#44
We gotta show 'em the love. We gotta do something.

#45
Let's step it up.

#46
Let's be the guys that do something for the troops. Let's put on a show or something.

#47
- All right. - Something with a little pizzazz.

#48
- Like a thank you for all your service. - Yes!

#49
Something that celebrates the troops, celebrates America, maybe celebrates us.

#50
I'm into that. I know you are, dude.

#51
And what's the best way to celebrate America, boys?

#52
Hulk Hogan is a man possessed of a love of his country.

#53
# I am a real American #

#54
- # Fight for the rights of every man # - 'Bout wrestling?

#55
Yeah!

#56
Yeah!

#57
Yeah, Maniac!

#58
- Get up, you son of a bitch! - Yeah, Maniac!

#59
Thanks, bud. There you go.

#60
So I booked this venue for Friday night.

#61
You got this place? Yeah.

#62
I told them it was for the troops. They gave us a discount.

#63
Ho-ho! That is what I'm talking about, dude.

#64
People wanna support the troops. They don't have a venue to do it.

#65
Yeah, how are we gonna do that though?

#66
None of us knows how to wrestle. Wrong!

#67
Charlie and I do. We used to do backyard wrestling all the time, dude.

#68
We were an awesome tag team. That's right. We were the Pigeon Boys.

#69
Pigeon Boys!

#70
Pigeon Boys? Doesn't sound that cool now as an adult.

#71
You're right. We gotta update it.

#72
Let's be eagles, dude. That's like patriotic and fires on all cylinders.

#73
I feel like pigeons are survivors though.

#74
I'm gonna side with Dennis on this one, bro. Yeah.

#75
What do you say we get this guy into the mix?

#76
- - He's probably got some experience.

#77
He could show us the ropes.

#78
Oh, um, Mr. Maniac! Mr. Maniac!

#79
- Mr. Maniac, excuse me. - Somethin' I can do for you fellas?

#80
Yeah. Absolutely. That was a great show in there, man.

#81
That was amazing! Great show!

#82
That was so awesome! You drank your own blood.

#83
- You were choking the guy- - Just trying to put on a good show.

#84
Oh, you did. No, no, no, no. Let me do you a favor.

#85
You're good kids, you know? Hang on. Hang on.

#86
What are you getting, an autograph? No, we're good, man.

#87
That's all right. We don't need an autograph.

#88
We're actually here for a different- God bless you.

#89
- You have a good time. You know, whale away. - This is a parking ticket.

#90
You bet. You have fun with it, okay?

#91
Actually, sir, um...

#92
I don't know if this is too forward to ask you this,

#93
but we're putting on a wrestling match...

#94
for the troops coming home from overseas,

#95
and we were thinking maybe we can get you to wrestle in it.

#96
How much?

#97
Ooh. We haven't discussed that. How much?

#98
- How much do you usually charge? - Thirty bucks weekdays,

#99
50 bucks weekends.

#100
Is that it? Reasonable.

#101
That we can do. Reasonable.

#102
Yeah. Now. Absolutely.

#103
Now. All right. Give him some money. Give that to him now.

#104
I suppose- All right. Oh, boy. That's okay.

#105
Whoa! Yo! Deandra! Yo! Deandra!

#106
Yes, Frank. Yes, yes. I can hear you. What are you doing here?

#107
I'm gonna use the army guy to get the word out about the wrestling match.

#108
Why are you dressed like that?

#109
Well, my chat name was Desert Rose.

#110
So I dressed like a rose. I'm gonna give him a rose.

#111
And I'm gonna play "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal.

#112
I got a whole thing I'm doing here. Can you please get out?

#113
Oh. The boys and I got him a little welcome-home gift.

#114
Jean shorts? You bought him a pair of jean shorts?

#115
Yeah. Goddamn it, Frank.

#116
You guys are gonna have plenty of time to ruin this for me at some point in the future.

#117
Can you please let me get it started first?

#118
Hey! Desert Rose!

#119
It's me, Ben.

#120
It's so nice to finally meet you in person, Desert Rose.

#121
Yeah. Oh, no!

#122
Because... I'm not Desert Rose.

#123
I, uh- I'm a friend.

#124
I'm a friend of hers. Great girl.

#125
Uh, she just wanted me to come here...

#126
so that I could tell you...

#127
that she wasn't gonna be able to show up here today.

#128
Oh, well, with the dress and the rose, I thought that you...

#129
You thought- Yeah. Yeah. Well, of course you thought that.

#130
You thought it because of this and the- It's fine.

#131
Don't blame yourself.

#132
You're not- You're not dumb. You just...

#133
Um, so- All right, well...

#134
# There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea #.

#135
I, uh, wanna invite you to a wrestling match.

#136
Oh. And, uh, the guys...

#137
we all chipped in to get you these, uh...

#138
Uh, this is a coming-home present. Uh...

#139
There you go.

#140
And thank you for your service.

#141
# Baby #

#142
# I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray #

#143
# Ooh, the more I get of you #

#144
# The stranger it feels Yeah ##.

#145
No! I don't give a rat's ass about your collection agency,

#146
and as for the $15 co-payment, eat shit and die!

#147
Ah, shit!

#148
Sorry. I'm gonna go get greased up,

#149
and then, uh, I'll come back and rock on.

#150
Fifteen dollars? He's upset about $15?

#151
Yeah. Smashing our phone.

#152
Not a lot of money. Let's move past it for now.

#153
Let's focus on our stuff. Let's focus on our...

#154
The most important part of our routine is the entrance.

#155
Yes. Yes. Absolutely.

#156
Whoa!

#157
Ahhhh! Frank, what the hell are you doing?

#158
Ahhh! It's my character. I'm the Trash Man.

#159
I come out. I throw trash all over the ring.

#160
And then I start eating garbage.

#161
And then I pick up the trash can...

#162
and I bash the guy on the head.

#163
Oh, that's gonna be a disaster. No, no.

#164
Nobody's gonna get hurt. I'm telling you...

#165
Like you said, it's all fake.

#166
But it has nothing to do with the troops, Frank.

#167
A 60-year-old man eating trash? Who wants to see that?

#168
But that's what people want.

#169
Hey, I got something for you. I got a character for you.

#170
You can be the ref.

#171
I'm not gonna be the ref. I'm a villain. Don't you see?

#172
Look, I got garbage, and I-

#173
- Oh, Frank! - That's nasty, dude.

#174
Are you choking?

#175
- Oh, my God. - Throw it up in the bathroom!

#176
- Get out of here! - Go take a break. Go take a break.

#177
The troops are gonna be very happy to see that.

#178
All right, let's get- Look at this mess.

#179
Let's get back to it. Charlie...

#180
So we're talking about the entrances, okay?

#181
We got a good idea. We got a good idea.

#182
They're gonna announce our name. Birds of War.

#183
I love that new name. I love it. Yeah.

#184
And maybe we'll do an eagle screech. That'll be great.

#185
And then we'll come out of the tunnel.

#186
We'll start a stomp, clap. Stomp, clap.

#187
Stomp, stomp, clap. Stomp, clap.

#188
And we're gonna write this great song. It's gonna be about had badass we are.

#189
But tell him about the- Oh, yeah. About how we soar through the air,

#190
how we live in a nest, how we like to protect our eggs from predators.

#191
And our young. We regurgitate, dude.

#192
Can I stop you guys for one second? Mm-hmm.

#193
What you just described,

#194
that seems like we're singing about the lifestyle of an eagle.

#195
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

#196
I was under the impression that we were presenting ourselves as birdmen,

#197
which, to me, is infinitely cooler...

#198
than just sort of being a bird. No, no, no, no, no.

#199
It's good. We can meet in the middle though.

#200
We'll meet you somewhere in the middle. That's all I ask.

#201
I want people to be able to see that we're not just birds.

#202
Yeah.

#203
Hey-hey.

#204
Hi. Thank you for stepping in as Desert Rose.

#205
Ah, no problem. I've dated a lot of disabled men in my past.

#206
So- I enjoy the power. Why aren't you wearing red?

#207
I was very specific about that. I don't do red.

#208
Well, you look like a grape. Fine. Then I'll be Desert Grape.

#209
He wasn't talking to Desert Grape. He was talking to Desert Rose.

#210
That's very specific, and- You know what? All right.

#211
This is what we'll do. I'll just put this... here.

#212
Oh. You're sweaty. Oh. Okay. It's humid outside.

#213
So, uh, which one is he? Right behind you, in the yellow.

#214
Oh, Mama like. Cute, right?

#215
Did he send you any dick pics? 'Cause it could be a mess down there.

#216
For the love of God, please don't ask him about his dick.

#217
Okay. Have it your way. I'll figure it out soon enough.

#218
And away we go.

#219
She looks ridiculous.

#220
Desert Rose? Yeah.

#221
- Hi. - What? What the hell?

#222
It feels so good to finally hold you.

#223
Uh- Uh, you're- you're biting my lip.

#224
Hi. Oh! What a coincidence.

#225
Hey, oh- Oh. You're that girl from the bus stop. Yes, I am.

#226
You guys are friends, right?

#227
Mm-hmm. Not really.

#228
Well, tell your friend thanks for the shorts.

#229
They fit great. Yeah.

#230
Will do. So, what's...

#231
What's the deal with you standing?

#232
I thought there was a wheelchair and you were in it.

#233
Oh, no. No. I twisted my knee getting of a plane in Germany.

#234
I was just trying to stay off of it.

#235
It's good now. Oh!

#236
Yes, it is. Can I talk to you for a second?

#237
I'll be back. What? What? What? I changed my mind.

#238
So move out of the way so I can swoop in.

#239
Uh-uh. No changeys. What? Artemis, I'm warning you.

#240
If you don't get out of the way, I'm gonna bring out the big guns.

#241
Oh, hit me with your best shot, you stupid bitch.

#242
Ah.

#243
I was looking around. I was thinking.

#244
I- I brought some- Ohh!

#245
Oh. Oh.

#246
You just hit- I'm sorry about that.

#247
Just props that I was bringing.

#248
That's not a prop though. That's sharp razor wire.

#249
Mr., uh, Maniac, we were thinking...

#250
maybe we could go a little bit more traditional with it.

#251
Just figure-four leg-locks, pile drivers, body slams. Off the top rope, suplex...

#252
No, no, no. People, that old-school bullshit, that don't play no more.

#253
Really? Yeah. It's gotta be gruesome, you know?

#254
Those people, they like blood, you know?

#255
I guess. Well, guys like you...

#256
You know what? I love you guys.

#257
You know, you remind me of my kids.

#258
You got kids, Maniac?

#259
Nah. Not anymore.

#260
What does that mean?

#261
All right. We got a problem.

#262
What is he talking about with his kids?

#263
- Did he kill his kids? Is that what happened? - He just drifted away.

#264
And look at this. I feel like he's living out of his car.

#265
- He's got blankets. What is that, a pile of laundry? - Look at this, dude.

#266
That's just a bucket of chestnuts.

#267
Who has- What? Is he foraging for his food?

#268
I don't know. Why the hell would you have a bucket of chestnuts?

#269
We are dealing with a legitimate maniac now. That is clear to me.

#270
His mania is not confined to the ring. Ahh!

#271
He kept calling you the "N" word earlier. Yeah.

#272
I wasn't gonna bring that up. I didn't wanna freak him out. Me?

#273
Yes. He was calling me the "N" word?

#274
Yes. Every time you turned your back.

#275
He was like, "You stupid 'N. ' Go get me grease, 'N."'

#276
"N" this, "N" that. Why?

#277
I don't know. He has a problem with black people.

#278
Or does he have a problem with me? Both.

#279
I don't know. I don't know. Oh, my God.

#280
Let's get rid of him. That's it. How do you get rid of a guy like that?

#281
I don't wanna be anywhere in the ring with that guy.

#282
What if we're just hype men? We don't even go in the ring.

#283
Yes. We let him do the wrestling. We do not wrestle.

#284
No. We gotta find someone for him to wrestle though.

#285
Right. Right.

#286
Someone with, you know, nothing to lose, right? Yeah.

#287
Cricket! What's up, Cricket?

#288
- Cricket! - No!

#289
Cricket, cricket, cricket, crickety.

#290
What do you want from me? We want you to wrestle...

#291
at a wrestling match that we're gonna throw.

#292
No. How about that?

#293
I'm not gonna participate in your little games and schemes. Cricket.

#294
It's for the troops. Yeah.

#295
I don't give a shit about the troops.

#296
Come on, man. Oh! We're gonna pay you, bro.

#297
We're gonna pay you. There's pay involved.

#298
You give a shit about that, Cricket?

#299
You payin'? Yeah, man.

#300
Oh, I see. So, am I gonna get my ass kicked?

#301
Ah! It's wrestling. It's all fake.

#302
It's relatively fake. What happens in the ring is really up to you.

#303
I don't feel we're reading as eagles.

#304
No, bro. We look like assholes.

#305
They didn't turn out the way that I had envisioned. I'm getting more of a chicken vibe.

#306
Whoo! Whoa!

#307
What in God's name is this about? All right.

#308
Don't start. We're birdmen. We're Birds of War.

#309
Birdmen. What do you want?

#310
Yeah. Okay. I wanna sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" before the match.

#311
Yeah. Good. Sing. We don't care. Do whatever you want.

#312
Just get away. We're obviously in the middle of something.

#313
Okay? Yeah.

#314
Get out of here.

#315
Wait a second, Charlie. Do that again. That?

#316
That looked pretty cool. Maybe we can go with the chicken thing.

#317
The Chicken Boys. We're not changing the song.

#318
We got a big problem with the Maniac. Big problem with the Maniac.

#319
What did he do? Did he kill somebody?

#320
Unpaid parking tickets. Unpaid parking tickets?

#321
- Maniac! - Oh, my boys. My boys.

#322
Ohh! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#323
You know what? Da' Maniac loves you.

#324
Even with your fea- Wait, wait! Even with your feathers!

#325
Aw! I love you!

#326
I love you too, man. I love you t...

#327
Poor guy. I don't really love him. I don't love him at all.

#328
I'm terrified of him. Look, you guys need a wrestler now.

#329
We should take the Trash Man out of retirement. No, dude!

#330
That is not going to happen. But we do need a wrestler.

#331
I know. Guys, I'm thinking maybe we should do it.

#332
Yeah. Right? We got the costumes. We got the passion.

#333
We are just battling Cricket. It's just Cricket.

#334
Pigeon Boys, let's do this!

#335
No, we're not the Pigeon Boys. Birds of War.

#336
Chicken Boys! No.

#337
Are we sticking with the eagles? Yes. We're Birds of War.

#338
Let's go with birdmen. We don't even look like eagles.

#339
People don't know what kind of bird we would be.

#340
And now the moment you've all been waiting for.

#341
Introducing America's...

#342
most hated terrorist...

#343
the Talibum!

#344
Whoo! A la la la la la la!

#345
Boo to you.

#346
America sucks!

#347
Terrorists rule! A la la la la!

#348
Ladies and gentlemen,

#349
get ready to take flight...

#350
with the Birds of War!

#351
Whoo! What's up, America?

#352
Hey, troops! Hey, guys!

#353
Drop a beat for us. You ready?

#354
Stomp, clap! Stomp, stomp, clap!

#355
Stomp, clap! Stomp, stomp, clap! Come on, America!

#356
Come on, y'all!

#357
# Ah-ah-ah-ah The eagle's born out of thunder #

#358
# Ah-ah-ah-ah He flies through the night #

#359
# Ah-ah-ah-ah Don't you mess with his eggs now #

#360
# Ah-ah-ah-ah Or you'll see us fight #

#361
# Ah-ah-ah-ah Yes, we have feathers #

#362
# Ah-ah-ah-ah But the muscles of men #

#363
# Ah-ah-ah-ah 'Cause we're Birds of War now #

#364
# Ah-ah-ah-ah But we're also men #

#365
# Birds of War ##

#366
They're not responding to the pageantry at all.

#367
The whole second verse is completely ridiculous.

#368
The second verse is necessary to clarify what we are.

#369
We're miked. We're miked. We're not...

#370
Our microphones are on. Are they hearing this?

#371
- Do the routine. - Go.

#372
Duck-and-roll routine! Duck-and-roll routine!

#373
Whoo!

#374
No, no. Cut it. Cut it. Not that one. I'm not doing that one.

#375
Put the tape over it. The other song. Okay.

#376
- ## - This one goes out to a very special soldier...

#377
a Soldier of Fortune.

#378
I'm your real Desert Rose.

#379
That strange woman you've been hanging out with, she's an impostor.

#380
# Baby- # Ahh!

#381
- Ohh! - Yeah, bitch!

#382
- Ohh! - She is a slut.

#383
I think you broke my nose.

#384
- Yeah, Talibum! A la la la la la la! -

#385
- So, what do we do? - I think it's starting.

#386
Yeah, all right. Go ahead.

#387
Jump in the ring and fight Cricket.

#388
Wooo!

#389
I'm gonna get a little bit rough with you.

#390
Ahh! Oh, what is that, sand?

#391
Oh, Jesus Christ!

#392
Ohh! Ahh!

#393
- Come on, ref. Is that even legal? - I didn't see nothin'.

#394
Cricket's gone crazy, man.

#395
We can't let the Talibum win. All right, I got him.

#396
Cricket, you son of a bitch. You think you're so tough, huh? Ahh!

#397
Stop throwing sand! Stop!

#398
Come on, bitch. You want some?

#399
If I come in there, you're just gonna throw sand in my eyes,

#400
so I'm gonna run away.

#401
Ohh! A la la! America sucks!

#402
Terrorists rule! Yeah!

#403
Oh!

#404
- He got me. - The Trash Man.

#405
He got me with the can. Stop. Stop.

#406
Ah, shit. Did I get you, Cricket?

#407
Ohh!

#408
Must've had an edge.

#409
Oh.

#410
Something in my eye. Ah! No.

#411
Oh, God.

#412
# I am a real American #

#413
# Fight for the rights of every man #

#414
# I am a real American #

#415
I knew this shit wasn't fake.

#416
# Fight for your life #

#417
# I am a real American #

#418
# Fight for the rights of every man # # American #

#419
# I am a real American # # Oh, yeah #

#420
# Fight for what's right Fight for your life #

#421
# If you hurt my friends #

#422
# Then you hurt my pride ##

#423
ENGLISH - US - PSDH

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