Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E08 — Paddy's Pub - Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 8 — Paddy's Pub - Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

#1
Hello. Charlie Kelly here,

#2
local business owner and cat enthusiast.

#3
Is your cat making too much noise all the time?

#4
Is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy?

#5
Is your cat clawing at your furnitures?

#6
Think there's no answer?

#7
You're so stupid! There is.

#8
Kitten Mittens.

#9
Finally, there's an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats.

#10
I couldn't hear anything.

#11
Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny or an in-between?

#12
That doesn't matter, 'cause one size fits all.

#13
Kitten Mittens. You'll be smitten.

#14
So come on down to Paddy's Pub.

#15
We're the home of the original Kitten Mittens.

#16
Mee-ow!

#17
So, lately at night, I've been forced to fall asleep to the deafening sound...

#18
of, like, a hundred alley cats tapping on my windows, trying to get in.

#19
You know what I mean? Thus, Kitten Mittens.

#20
Right? I'm making a quieter cat.

#21
And then I made the sales tape when I heard about the merchandising convention.

#22
- Ooh, question. - Mac, go.

#23
Thank you. Uh, what merchandising convention?

#24
They're having one down at the Sheraton. All right?

#25
So I figured, what a better place to, like, find investors for my product.

#26
What do moronic Kitten Mittens have to do with our bar?

#27
Okay. One, they're not moronic. They're awesome. Mmm.

#28
And two, uh, nothing.

#29
Look, Charlie, I kinda like this. I might jump in on this with you here.

#30
I think it's a good idea. We could do T-shirts.

#31
We could do beach towels, those nudie pens.

#32
Okay. It's about time, you know, we get some merchandise in here,

#33
and I start making some money off this place. What?

#34
What are you talking about? You're not gonna make any money of this place.

#35
You don't own a piece of the bar. No, but I own...

#36
a hundred percent of the merchandising.

#37
It's in my contract. What contract?

#38
The contract you had me sign when I first started working here.

#39
What?

#40
Dee, we got you to sign that contract so we could pay you less than minimum wage.

#41
Okay? We're never gonna merchandise anything in the bar.

#42
But now we are.

#43
To be honest, I don't even remember signing any kind of contract.

#44
Oh, you don't remember? Did it slip your mind?

#45
That's okay, 'cause it's right here.

#46
I keep it in this drawer so that you two jerks don't try...

#47
Hey, hey! Wait! What are you doing?

#48
- Oh! - You son of a bitch!

#49
That doesn't nullify it, you know?

#50
Oh, why? Do you have another copy?

#51
I... don't.

#52
I don't, but you can't just go eat a contract!

#53
- He just did eat it. - All right. I'm talking to a lawyer about this.

#54
You don't have a leg to stand on.

#55
Yeah, go ahead. Yeah!

#56
This is making me think maybe I should slap a patent...

#57
on my Kitten Mittens before you guys try and steal that too, huh?

#58
I can see it in your eyes. You're all over this, aren't you?

#59
You know, I gotta say, Mac,

#60
my instinct to steal this idea is very strong.

#61
Kitten Mittens? No, idiot. Merchandising in the bar.

#62
Yeah. I'm thinking we take this merchandising convention...

#63
as an opportunity to make merchandise for Paddy's. Right.

#64
You know? Like, expand our brand. You know? Make a little "mon-ay"!

#65
Who's gonna buy merchandise to a bar that they've never been to?

#66
Uh, hello, Frank.

#67
I've never been to Fiji.

#68
All right. Well, how about, like, hard-boiled eggs from Paddy's Bar?

#69
Green eggs. Says "Paddy's" on them.

#70
You keep them on your desk when you go to work.

#71
Who's gonna want to keep a hard-boiled egg on their desk at work?

#72
Oh, all right. Then you put it on your dashboard of your car.

#73
It's just a jumping-off point. Frank, keeping hard-boiled eggs...

#74
on your desktop or the dashboard of your car is not a jumping-off point.

#75
Get the hell out of here, all right? Let us concentrate on doing the merchandising idea.

#76
Clearly you don't get it. So I don't want- I don't get it?

#77
You don't get it! I don't get it?

#78
You don't get it! Oh, yeah? We'll see who doesn't get it!

#79
Okay! Yeah!

#80
All right!

#81
All right, Charlie. Remember, this lawyer is not a big fan of ours.

#82
So we're probably gonna have to turn the charm up a little bit in the beginning.

#83
Know what I mean? I got a plan on how we can do that too.

#84
See this picture of his wife right here? Mm-hmm.

#85
What if we compliment her good looks? That gets us off on a good foot, right?

#86
Are you kidding me?

#87
That woman looks like a stone-cold bitch, and you know it.

#88
And he knows it 'cause he turns the picture away from him.

#89
Well, I'm trying to make lemonade here. Oh!

#90
Ooh, there he is. How did you get in here?

#91
Hey! Aw, we just...

#92
There's the man! The old-fashioned way- with doors and feet and walking.

#93
You know, we were just having a conversation about how lovely your wife is.

#94
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Very lovely.

#95
I was not participating in that conversation, 'cause I don't find her lovely.

#96
I think you're better than that. I think you can do better than that.

#97
And I mean that as a compliment.

#98
You are aware that there are other lawyers in Philadelphia?

#99
But the three of us have a history. Sure.

#100
We, uh- We have a past, if you will. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

#101
And Charlie and I really like the fact that you don't charge.

#102
I do charge. Okay? You don't pay.

#103
We're both men of the law. You know?

#104
We get after it. You know? We jabber-jaw. We go tit for tat.

#105
We have our little differences.

#106
But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some,

#107
and there's a mutual respect left over between us. No.

#108
Any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me is a mistake on your part.

#109
Then I'll just regress, 'cause I feel like I've made myself perfectly redundant.

#110
- Yes, you have. - I'm lost.

#111
So I'm just gonna get down to brass tacks. I got a question for you.

#112
Does a legal document hold up in a court of law if it has been ingested by the other party?

#113
- I'm not- - Now, mind you, the heretofore document...

#114
had- had dry ink on it for at least many "forknights,"

#115
uh, hereto- We signed it a long time ago.

#116
It was a long time ago signed.

#117
I'm also gonna need a patent for the Kitten Mittens.

#118
I'm sure you do. I was gonna ask you, "Hey, need Kitten Mitten patents?"

#119
That's them. I'm sorry, sir.

#120
But they locked me in a closet.

#121
Yo, dude, dude, dude. I'm ready to show you my idea.

#122
Me too. All right, let me go first, bro.

#123
Let me show you mine, then you can go first. Then I'd be going second.

#124
Yeah, great. Okay, now listen. When we're selling stuff...

#125
at Paddy's, I think we need to be selling a certain attitude, right?

#126
One that reflects our take-no-prisoners, rock-and-roll lifestyle.

#127
Okay. Yeah?

#128
Yeah. Now what says that more than this?

#129
Huh?

#130
Paddy's thong, dude! Paddy's thong!

#131
You're wearing women's underwear? Yeah, bro!

#132
You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear.

#133
What's more sexual than a high-waisted thong riding high up a woman's backside?

#134
Nothing. Dude, come on. Paddy's thong is gonna be a huge hit with chicks.

#135
Okay. All right. Uh, question. Yeah, Mac. Go.

#136
Dennis, are women gonna wanna buy their underpants in a bar?

#137
No. Women will not buy their underwear in a bar,

#138
but men will buy the underwear for their women in a bar...

#139
because it's not for women, it's for men.

#140
It's a visual stimulant, bro. I'm not wearing these because I'm comfortable.

#141
I'm wearing them because I want to turn you on. You know what I'm saying?

#142
You get it? Yeah.

#143
Yeah, bro. It's visual stimulation. Okay. Yeah.

#144
Can I go now? Yeah, sure.

#145
I've been waiting for a long time. Okay. Okay, I'm thinking to myself,

#146
what do people love more than anything else in the world?

#147
They love comedy! They do love comedy.

#148
Everybody loves comedy, right? So- And I'm funny. I can do funny.

#149
But you gotta have functionality with your comedy, okay?

#150
Right. You can't just go throwing jokes around willy-nilly.

#151
Oh. So I did one of those.

#152
You drew a men's buttocks on a towel. Yeah.

#153
You get out of the shower in the college dorm.

#154
They got the butt, right? People are laughing. Okay.

#155
Your buddies are laughing.

#156
And then you give them one of these. Boom!

#157
Oh, that is big! That's a big monster dick.

#158
That's huge. That's the biggest dick you ever seen.

#159
Yeah, that's really- That's not how you see yourself though?

#160
Now that's funny. That's funny. That is funny.

#161
Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that. But, bro, that's just the setup.

#162
What is it? For this.

#163
Ding-ding-ding!

#164
Oh, it's a baby dick.

#165
Yeah! We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.

#166
We are gonna sell a million of those, dude. We'll do black ones...

#167
and yellow ones for the Asians.

#168
That is probably more Asian than anything else. Dude- Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

#169
Maybe a little bit more bush. We should set up a Web site for it.

#170
Already did it. You did?

#171
Dicktowel.com.

#172
Dicktowel.com.

#173
Well, you don't think I know what's going on? Huh? Oh, Jesus Christ!

#174
I don't get it? Huh? Open your mouth, bitch. What?

#175
Prepare to be blasted, bitch! Brenda!

#176
This is my new merchandising idea.

#177
It's a gun that shoots liquor into your mouth!

#178
You threw tequila in my eye!

#179
Well, I haven't figured out how to get the tequila to come out of the barrel of the gun.

#180
But I'm working on it. What the hell does she have to do with anything?

#181
Check her out. I mean, she's gorgeous.

#182
You bring a woman with cans like that into the convention, you sell the idea in a second.

#183
So this is your plan? You're gonna go into the convention...

#184
waving a gun in people's faces, throwing tequila in everybody's eyes...

#185
with a big-titted woman? Duh, yeah!

#186
Frank, get the hell out of here! Your ideas are ridiculous!

#187
Okay. Okay. Suck on this, bitches.

#188
Huh? Huh? Paddy's Pub stress ball.

#189
You give this to people. They put it on their desk.

#190
And then during the day, you squeeze it when you have any tension.

#191
Right. Oh, goddamn it, Frank! That's just an egg!

#192
It's a jumping-off point. Get out!

#193
All right. Get the hell out of here! Just get the hell out of here!

#194
Don't even listen to them. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ.

#195
Okay, we're stealing that gun shot idea, right? Gun shot idea's awesome.

#196
You see any sign of that lawyer or his secretary?

#197
No, and I don't know why you think we're gonna catch him having an affair.

#198
I mean, the guy's wife is really hot. No, she's not.

#199
And also, why does he turn her picture away from him...

#200
so he doesn't have to look at her face?

#201
Why are we in this shady motel where we saw him go in?

#202
I'm telling you, he's- he's banging that secretary.

#203
I don't know. It just doesn't add up.

#204
She's an attractive lady, you know? She's not attractive.

#205
Oh, my God! What?

#206
The woman in the room right next to him...

#207
she just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!

#208
Charlie, could you focus on the lawyer's room, please?

#209
We're not here to blackmail a lady for eating too many cookies.

#210
Did you say an entire sleeve though? An entire sleeve.

#211
That's a lot of cookies. She a big lady?

#212
Of course. She's a humongous lady. Yeah. Of course.

#213
Oh, shit. I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!

#214
Get down! Shh! Why is he coming towards us?

#215
Get down and hold still!

#216
All right. Um, so what are you people doing in my car now?

#217
Okay, let me explain that. Uh- Yeah.

#218
We were staking you out last night- kinda spying on you. Mm-hmm.

#219
It got a little cold. It dropped down, right? It was freezing, wasn't it?

#220
Did you feel that? So we jimmied your lock and spent the night in here.

#221
Okay. Uh, so why were you spying on me all night?

#222
Because you're having an affair, and we're gonna blackmail you for your services.

#223
Okay. I hate to disappoint you, but I am not having an affair.

#224
Oh, yeah? Then why do you turn your wife's picture away from your desk...

#225
so you don't have to look at her face?

#226
Why are you staying in this seedy motel?

#227
And why does it look like you've been crying all night?

#228
I'll tell you what I think. I think you feel guilty.

#229
All right, listen. If you must know,

#230
my wife is leaving me.

#231
And I have to sleep in this fleabag motel.

#232
And I am still very much in love with my wife, which makes this divorce very difficult.

#233
Thus you have the turning away of the photo...

#234
and you have, you know, the crying episodes, and the what-have-you.

#235
Mmm. Sad.

#236
Okay, that's our bad. We, uh...

#237
It all comes together- That makes a lot of sense though.

#238
In a different way than I thought.

#239
God, divorce is tough. The picture sort of coming together for you all?

#240
You must be all ripped up about that.

#241
So, um- Do you want to have a conversation...

#242
about helping us out with our Kitten Mitten patent and...

#243
I thought this contract- You know what? If, um...

#244
Why don't you get out of my car? We should go now.

#245
Why don't you just get out of my car?

#246
You've had a hard couple of days.

#247
Okay, consumer, are you ready to get blasted in the mouth by Paddy's Shotgun?

#248
Yeah. One, two, three!

#249
Ah!

#250
Goddamn it, dude! You just cannot blast water out of a gun.

#251
The technology is just not there.

#252
They did sort of figure it out with water guns, so I don't know why...

#253
Yeah, but a water gun doesn't have the same feel to it, you know?

#254
It doesn't. You want to feel the weight of a real gun in your mouth.

#255
You want to taste the metal. You want to feel the steel, man, you know?

#256
Okay, bro, new plan. Yeah.

#257
Let's just make a video, show that at the convention.

#258
Not like Charlie's video though. Ours needs to be cool.

#259
No, no, no, dude. Way cooler than Charlie's.

#260
With, like, quick cuts and awesome music...

#261
and eagles flying through the air and picking up trout out of rivers and shit.

#262
Ripping it apart and eating it, you know? It's so cool.

#263
That'll excite people. Yeah.

#264
They'll want to invest.

#265
Then we'll let the brainiacs in China figure out the technology.

#266
Yeah. But the point is- is it's got to really grab people's attention.

#267
You know what I mean? All right. I did a little tweaking and...

#268
- What is that? - Paddy's Shotgun, bro!

#269
You get blasted in the mouth!

#270
- You stole my idea! - No, no, no, Frank. We tweaked your idea.

#271
We took what was a good idea and we made it a great idea.

#272
We're also gonna get a bustier chick. No offense, ma'am.

#273
You're very busty. Your breasts are very large.

#274
But, uh, we want to go weird with it. We want to get really freakish.

#275
I would like to get your number, actually, though at some point.

#276
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look. You can't just take somebody's idea,

#277
change the name of it and then sell it.

#278
That's the American way, bro. Yeah!

#279
Yeah. Take a look at Hard Rock Cafe. Got tweaked by Planet Hollywood.

#280
Coke got tweaked by Pepsi. Transformers got tweaked by GoBots.

#281
Our job is to step aside and let the consumer decide.

#282
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna get a patent for this and sue your balls off.

#283
We're gonna get a patent too, Frank, so screw you.

#284
Kiss it.

#285
- Knock, knock. - Hey, friend!

#286
Hey, we got you a little something to take your mind off your current wife situation.

#287
Sandy, have a seat right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#288
- This is Sandy. - Yep, and everything's been taken care of financially.

#289
She's been briefed on the divorce.

#290
She knows all about everything that's going on. She knows all about it.

#291
And, you know, because you've been talking about the whole money thing a little bit...

#292
You said that we hadn't paid you, and we felt bad about that,

#293
so we're kinda hoping that this is sort of a compensation of sorts.

#294
Sandy does that. Sandy.

#295
- She's the payment. - Lawyer, check out this freakish whore we found.

#296
Hey. Whoa. What the hell are you guys doing here?

#297
I came to see the lawyer to sue you for breach of contract. What's with the busty chick?

#298
We're gonna throw a patent on her and a couple of other things.

#299
Now, I see that you have a- a lovely busty woman as well.

#300
Yeah! We brought one.

#301
Well, she's a lady of the night. She's a prostitute.

#302
Don't get too excited. And she's his lady, because he's going through a messy divorce.

#303
We paid her. So we're gonna have them have...

#304
some sexual relations as sort of a payment.

#305
Ah. Wow. Divorce, huh? That's never fun.

#306
Oh, yeah. No, it's terrible. He's all broken up about it.

#307
She left him- probably 'cause he cheated on her, I'm guessing,

#308
'cause look what a cold bitch she is. She was mean to him.

#309
It's a mess. He's been crying.

#310
I tell you what, buddy. I can help you out.

#311
I'm gonna toss a frame bang your way.

#312
Now here's how that works. I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping,

#313
and I ease into her real nice.

#314
That way, you're both cheating on each other, and she can't clean you out.

#315
That's a win-win.

#316
Goddamn shoes. You can't run in 'em.

#317
- Ah, son of a bitch. - Come on in. What- What's with the broads?

#318
You're stealing that idea too?

#319
No! No, we're not stealing...

#320
Yes, you are. We're tweaking your idea.

#321
You're stealing that idea.

#322
Guys- You're stealing my idea!

#323
Can you take your ladies outside?

#324
Stop! Stop! Everyone stop!

#325
I will take care of all of your legal needs...

#326
if each of you agrees to never seek my legal advice again.

#327
What? Great.

#328
For free? No problem.

#329
And, you, promise not to break into my home...

#330
and rape my wife while she's sleeping.

#331
Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife.

#332
I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps.

#333
And I was gonna do it for you, you son of a b- All right, fine. I won't do it.

#334
Great. Now we're all here. Let's get into this.

#335
- Deandra. - Yeah.

#336
You want to sue these guys over some sort of breach of contract thing?

#337
Yes. This one ate a contract that said I got all the rights to the Paddy's Pub merchandise.

#338
- That never happened. - It happened!

#339
Okay, why don't you throw out the suit...

#340
if they agree to sign a contract that grants you...

#341
50% of the merchandising rights for Paddy's Pub?

#342
Fifty percent? I'll take it.

#343
Deal. Yes!

#344
What the hell you doing, dude? I'll just eat the contract later.

#345
We would also like to make a patent on Paddy's Shotgun...

#346
and this very large-breasted woman who's gonna be shooting the gun into your face.

#347
- Objection! - This is not a court of law.

#348
Sustained! Frank, move to strike.

#349
They stole my idea! Open your mouth!

#350
Christ's sakes, dude!

#351
- Oh! - Jesus Christ!

#352
Whoa, man! Whoa!

#353
Oh, my God!

#354
How did you get that much propulsion on the gun?

#355
I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in.

#356
New deal! We are taking that propulsion and putting it in our shotgun!

#357
No, no, no. That deal sucks.

#358
Okay. Why don't you just use both guns?

#359
That's an even better idea.

#360
Two guns! Okay.

#361
Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

#362
Okay. I like that idea. Yeah!

#363
Yeah! All right.

#364
And, you, you want a right to the cat gloves?

#365
Mittens, dude. Pay attention.

#366
So sorry, sir. They duct-taped me to the bathroom sink.

#367
How in the hell did she get out of that? I don't know.

#368
Next up, we have submission 35...

#369
a potential investment opportunity in merchandising...

#370
for a, uh- a Paddy's Pub.

#371
Yeah!

#372
You're really sweaty, man. Well, my eyes are really burning here, Charlie.

#373
Start again. Start-

#374
Yeah, that's good.

#375
Action, Frank.

#376
Go, Frank, now. Go.

#377
Frank, just do the- Say the line now. Let me have a drink.

#378
How about a shot?

#379
What the...

#380
# This is how we do it #

#381
Paddy's Pub,

#382
home of the original shotgun and gun shot!

#383
Are you shooting me? Shoot the girls. Shoot the girls.

#384
Do shots as they were intended...

#385
by blasting them directly into your mouth!

#386
Awesome! I'm wasted!

#387
But that's not all!

#388
Dick towel! Dot-com.

#389
Nudie pen!

#390
# All the gangbangers forgot about the drive-by #

#391
- Egg. - So come on, dude!

#392
Invest in our merchandise and...

#393
Get blasted!

#394
Okay. Uh, why don't we just take a break?

#395
Huh. That did not look cool.

#396
No. Well, we had to edit while we shot.

#397
You know, and we just didn't have time. God, that was terrible.

#398
Does your cat walk around too much? Does your cat make too much noise?

#399
Guess who just found some investors for Kitten Mittens!

#400
I told you! People love stupid shit!

#401
Why do you keep calling it stupid though? It's really pretty stupid.

#402
Why do you keep calling it stupid? But people are stupid too, so...

#403
Hello!

#404
Hey, there he is! What's up, man? Hey, nice tie.

#405
- What are you doing here? - Congratulations on the sale.

#406
Thank you very much. Oh, you were there?

#407
Yeah. How much money am I gonna make?

#408
Do what now?

#409
Oh. The contract that you all blindly signed...

#410
grants me 100% of the profits...

#411
from any merchandising opportunities from your little bar.

#412
And Kitten Mittens- I own that.

#413
Dude! I had to get paid by you people somehow.

#414
Well, that's what the hooker was for!

#415
Dude! All right. Touché.

#416
You out-lawyered me there. Mm-hmm.

#417
Okay. Tell you what though.

#418
Let's split Kitten Mittens 50-50,

#419
and then you'll never see me again. Wow. Fifty-fifty?

#420
Mmm, let me think about that.

#421
How about if I never see you again because the contract...

#422
that you all signed also included a restraining order?

#423
Which you're all currently violating.

#424
Uh, excuse me, sir. Can I see these supposed documents that you have?

#425
Why, yes. Um, in fact,

#426
I happen to have that right here.

#427
Ah! Yeah!

#428
I knew it!

#429
It's still new enough to be edible. That's an edible contract!

#430
Right in your face! Really? Yeah.

#431
You know, fortunately, I made hundreds of copies of that.

#432
Goddamn.

#433
So, uh, why don't you all have just a nice day.

#434
Mmm.

#435
You can probably stop eating that now.

#436
ENGLISH - US - PSDH

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